Last year I did my own overview, complete with link drops to my own posts. Because no matter the year, I am still narcissistic. I vow to be more so in the new year. Blogging is also an interesting insight into what was going on in my life during 2013. Clearly not much, because I posted a lot, like enough times to fill more of those opera houses.
Note: I am so lazy, I didn’t even Link Drop.
Anyway, here we go:
I started off the year in the middle of covering Fifty Shades Freed, the final (for the love of God) book in the 50 Shades series. Only I called it Fifty Shades Flunked, because the one part of teaching I kind of liked was giving people Fs, and I got to do that a lot with E.L. James. I also had an online classroom of students, many of whom did not realize they were enrolled. So they mostly didn’t notice when I quit teaching partly through the book.
Next came the Freshly Pressed nod, which happened right after my washing machine exploded. I can’t express how happy I am that the one post that was pressed was one that featured the word “crap” in the title, and was about, of all things, my quest to get healthier. I joined a gym, and if you’ve ever seen Sport Goofy, you get the idea of how successful this was.
50 Shades coverage continues. To counteract the nausea, I try exercise and like all things, I do this in moderation. I review almost every exercise video out there, even the whacked out 80s ones and the frightening Jillian Godzilla Michaels.
Still overwhelmed, I took a blog break and went on Carnival Cruise lines for a three-hour-tour. Not really, but it made a good post. A stormtrooper visited Wonderland and shot up the place. The Things and I made up a TV show with a mutated creature named “Mutey and Friends”.
50 Shades coverage IS STILL GOING. I decide exercise is too much work and try yoga. Writing posts is also work, so I write my first one word post and get more comments on this than most of my actual posts. I goof up both the origin of both Easter and St Patrick’s Day. I decide to quit Facebook no really I mean it this time.
I first notice my Dragon Tales blog stalkers. I am called a “farthead” by one. I get obsessed with yoga and frightened by a panting girl on a video. I finally FINALLY finished 50 Shades and could only utter “Mmmbop.”
50 Shades is gone and I have nothing to write about, but this doesn’t stop me. I remind people of my birthday coming up and await all the celebratory blog posts. The Fruitcake Award is created and passed around several blogs cause no one wants that thing. More yoga posts. My collection of yoga bling adds up.
I meet my Wonder Twin, merbear, and we discover a love of making fun of stupid retro ads. Also the sound of our own voices. We riff on ads about magical brushes and laxatives. The Things turn nine and thirteen. We have a lockdown at work because the stupidest crooks of all time pretend to rob a Subway. A squirrel and a depressed pony get Facebook accounts. I find out yoga is of the devil.
I get sick a lot (surprise!). Crazed “Christians” swarm my college campus. I declare that I am my own cool table. I start reviewing songs, starting with the “Chipper Cheatin’ Songs”. I tell people what not to name their baby, figuring I’ll tick some people off – instead it’s one of my most viewed posts. Merbear and I find out new uses for Lysol. The anti-awards arrive. I continue my parody of 50 Shades with our heroine Bambi.
Merbear and I start the Wonder Twins retro blog. Merbear does a lot of the work because yet another of my alternate identities, Mary Alice, apparently falls down a bottle. I talk about murdering virtual people – it is another of my most popular posts, you sickos. Boppo the death clown is born and continues to die horrible deaths in the Sims. Sparky the Wonder Blogger arrives to terrorize us all and my followers become sparkleponys. List of X tells us way too much about Miley Cyrus and twerking.
The Things and I glob glitter on a My Little Pony and actually get people to compete for it in a Sparklepony contest! People had to be as obnoxious in their posts as possible – no surprise this is not a problem for my followers. Evil Squirrel “wins” the
monstrosity pony and she travels to his home and falls in love with his Rainbow Donkey (knitted by a blogger) and has babies: (knitted by another blogger). Yes, we are all adults.
I suffer the Sadz and a small nervous breakdown, but continue to write anyway. Halloween is dissected, another birth story is told, and I describe the game of Life – turns out all of these are of the devil.
I start reviewing fairy tales – I mean to get back to this in the New Year with the Little Mermaid, that fishy brat. Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and that freak Peter Pan have already gotten the Alice treatment. My Thanksgiving post is a Black
Friday Thursday post, because that’s what the real holiday is, right? Yay!
I spend the entire month griping about Christmas. I discuss the scariness of Santa, write a love letter to George Michael, and discover from Fox News that Santa and Jesus are white. Holiday Paul is offered as a Santa substitute. I get obsessed with a virtual farm. What happened to that exercise and yoga stuff? Hang on, I gotta milk my pretend cows!
So that’s my year. Did you guys have a good 2013? Are you glad it’s over? Got any News Years resolutions you plan to immediately break? Let me know. And thanks for reading.
Greetings, Sparkleponies. After announcing that I would give everyone more time on my illustrious contest, I got several entries in over the weekend. Thanks so much for your participation! Today I’ll give you links to some awesome posts in celebration of Sparky, but first a word from Sparky himself.
Yo, homies, Sparks has entered the building. You can all relax. Autographs later. None on the buns, hun.
Alice handed me the stack of entries and wow I was so not impressed, but then, who can be as awesome as I am, right? Still there is that . . . thing she’s offering and I’m going to have to choose a winner. I think I’d rather give more tips first, this time about the comments section. Yeah, no, Alice is not getting her post back.
Be sure and make everything, I don’t care what it is, into a political argument. For instance: Blogger says “My grandma died.” You would then say “It’s all Obama’s fault.” See, simple.
Post anonymously. That way you can say really Jerky stuff and no one will know who to blame. Bonus points if the blogger blames the wrong person.
Get into a fight with another commenter about some random word you disagree with in the post. Keep at it. Never give up. Never surrender. Example: Corn is NOT a vegetable and I will not rest until you accept that!
Okay, that’s all the wisdom I could poop out for now. Let’s get to our contestants. Yawn.
First up djmatticus. This guy thinks he is a jester in some mythical kingdom, yet his wife is a queen and his son is a prince. His wife must have really strange tastes to go for the jester. I wonder if the king knows. Anyhoo, I have to admire this guy’s suction power. We’re talking Hoover here. Also he made up a pointless award with an applesauce jar and tons of stupid rules. Alice actually participated in it. She has no life. Anyway, I like this dj, even if he lied and is not, in fact, a real D.J. I need some tunes, fo shizzle.
Next is dranoman, oh wait, draliman. Eh, whatever. This guy knows how to properly suck up. Compliment the kids. Moms, like Alice, are total suckers for that junk. He even made her Things their own badge. Well played man, well played. Here’s the badge in case you have yard apes of your own.
Okay, next is . . . wait, that’s a dog. We’ve got a dog entering the contest now? Yes? Oh, whatever. Okay, so next up is easyweimeraner. What can I say about this blogger? Cute doggy. Goood doggy. No, that’s my butt, not a chew toy! Uh, anyway, he had to have his human write the post because paws, you know, and wow his owner is clueless. Thought my name was Spanky. Do I look like one of the Little Rascals? Jeez. But doggy did show lots of pictures of himself (are you a he, doggy? I’m not sure and I’m not checking.) which is very sparkyish. Good job! Have a biscuit!
And now we have . . . okay wait a minute. First a dog and now a squirrel? What the hey with the animal friends, Alice? I thought that was Snow White’s gig. Sigh. Next contestant is evilsquirrel. Well, for a squirrel, he’s pretty dang cool. Not only did he make a picture of me being loved on by really hot squirrel girls (you know, for squirrels) but he also stole one of Alice’s pictures to make an award. I want this guy on my paintball team. Check out his award, which he bestowed upon some Merbear (don’t ask me what that is, I don’t even want to deal with . . .)
Our next contestant! Merbear! Half bear, half mermaid, she’s all goofy. Alice calls her Wonder Twin because she thinks they are superheroes. They want to be two of the lamest superheroes in comic book history, but whatever. She made most of the post about her own award, which I thought totally rocked. She cried on a dumpster dive record and got people to compete for it. With haikus. And they did. Bloggers will do anything. Remember that.
Okay, now the last contestant (for now ) is twindaddy. I’m guessing that means he’s a daddy of twins. I’m a GENIUS. This guy has this other personality he talks to, which is totally weird. Like, who does that? And this other personality wrote a post totally dissing the Sparkster here. That takes gall. I admire that. He thinks he’s coming after me, but I’m not worried. My butt has sparks, sparks, sparks, sparks, sparks to light the world. Dude even put a crown on his head. That crown would fit me beautifully. It clashes with his armor.
Well that’s all the contestants for now. But THERE IS STILL TIME. Alice wants me to stress this. You can still enter the contest by making a post sounding as much like me, King of the Blogosphere, as possible. She’s a little unstable, so you guys might want to play along. I mean, who knows what she’ll do. Remember, this is what’s at stake.