Tag Archives: sparkly vampires

Twilight III: Eclipse Recap: Part One

Hey, all, I’m back with my two fellow sufferers reviewers, my daughters, Thing One and Thing Two.  Finally.  Last time we reviewed the second installment of Twilight gaggeria, New Moon, and before that the suckage that started it all, Twilight.  That was a while ago.  Like, um, over a year. It takes that long to recover from this stupidity.   But – here we go again on our own . . .

Menu selection screen –

Cardboard figures - just like in the movie!

Cardboard figures – just like in the movie!

Camera zooms around everywhere wildly.  Characters from the movie pop up.  All: Arghhhhhhhhh!

T1: They’re like cardboard pop ups!

T2: But scarier!

Me: Movie hasn’t even started yet and we’re scared!

We freeze for a screen shot of Bella.

T1: Draw a mustache on her!

T2: Mommy I dare you!

****

Owwwwwww!

Owwwwwww!

Movie opens in rain.  Yay.  Man is walking through the rain, at night, alone.

T2: They’re in Gotham City!

T1: Just like in the first Twilight movie, you know something’s gonna die in the first few seconds.

Me: If only it could be Bella.  No, it’s this schmuck.  Let’s watch, shall we?

Yup, something shoots out of nowhere at him.  T2 starts rooting for it.  Man tries to run for it.

T1: Try like left or right.

Whatever bites him.  He falls to the ground, writhes around, screams like a little girl.

T2: Oh the painnnn, the painnnn!

T1: He must have been a real wimp in high school.

Me: Sounds like Bella’s nightmare

T2: Alien’s gonna pop out of his chest!

T1: Like this movie isn’t gross enough already?

****

Edward checks Bella for ticks.

Edward checks Bella for ticks.

Zoom in on more trees.  Bella boring voiceover.

T2: Blah blahhh

T1: Shush, I’m trying to hear the stupid things she says.

Me: She’s ruining Robert Frost’s Fire and Ice poem.  Bad Bella!

T1: Some say it will end in ice, or sparkly vampires . . .

They are in a meadow again.  Ooooh.  Like a Summer’s Eve commercial.  Eddie is messing with her hair like he’s checking Bella for ticks or dandruff.

Me: Ooh I see his sparkles on his cheek!  Or blush?

T1: It’s sweat.

Me: Sparkly sweat?

T2: I’m allergic to sparkles

Bella: Turn me

Edward: If you marry me.  It’s called compromise

Me: No it’s called bribery.

Bella is sitting on him, making out.

T1: Ugh, can’t breathe Bella . . .

Edward: You’re worried about what people will think . . .

T1: At this point, why?

Mumble, mumble, mumble

T2: Eddie, stop talkin’ Latin

Me: Maybe if she’d quit speaking into her hand.  Microphones, people, something!

****

Yay, happy family.

Yay, happy family.

Bella whines at Dad who for some reason still hates Edward – like HE SHOULD.  Remember how you were screamin’ at night, Bella?  Remember the moping?  Well DO YOU?  Clearly poor dad is the best character.

Dad: You know why you’re being punished

Bella: Yeah I put you through hell

T1: over and over and . .

Bella: Edward is in my life

Dad drinks.  I’d drink too if I were him.

Dad: You have freedom if you use it to see others. Like Jacob.

T1: Yeah, better choice there.  What about the girls who said they were her friends?

****

Wait a sec, my boyfriend is a jerk . . .

Wait a sec, my boyfriend is a jerk . . .

Bella goes to her truck.  Won’t start.  Wonder why.  Edward shows up.  All scream.

Bella: Did you do this to my truck?

T2: Yeah he’s a psycho freak!

T1: Does he have no conscience?  Why did he take her battery?

T2: To put it in the microwave?

Edward: The wolves have no control.

Me: Eddikins, ya took her battery.  You don’t either.

Edward: Well I’m sorry.

T1: Worst apology ever

****

No wonder Bella's so popular!  She's so happy!

No wonder Bella’s so popular! She’s so happy!

Bella conversation at lunch table.  Humans are blabbing.  Bella stares.  Then Alice and Jasper sit down.

Me: The weirdos are here!

Alice: Let’s have a party!  It will be fun!

Bella: Yeah, like last time.

Sad Trombone: Wah wah wahhhhhhh.

Alice starts having a vision, or maybe constipation. Hard to tell.

****

Bella Derp Face

Bella Derp Face

Police station.  People are getting killed.

Edward: We’ve been tracking it for a while.

Me: Yeah, no need to tell Bella about this.  Just cause they wanna kill, you know, her.

Bella’s dad comes out.

Edward: Oh yeah, reminding you of the airline ticket I got for your birthday

T1: Really, Edward?

Eddie has gotten her a ticket to Florida to see Mom.  Wait, Florida . . . hot sun . . . vampire . . . sparkletownnnnn.  Yes, go, go, go!

There are two tickets of course.

Girls: Two tickets to paradise!

****

Creeeeeeper!

Creeeeeeper!

Bella in Florida.  More mumbling voice over.  What is she saying?

Mom: The way he looks at you.  Like he’s willing to leap and take a bullet for ya.

(Edward staring creepily at them through the window)

T2: Please tell me it’s a silver bullet

More mumbles.  Strip shirts?  Three headed lobster?  Are we in Hogwarts?

****

I belieeeeve I can flyyyyy!

I belieeeeve I can flyyyyy!

Next we have the whole creepy vampire crew, standing around in the forest.  There is a blue filter in the lens.

T2: Oh, no, more vampire baseball!

T1: It’s Picasso’s blue period!

T2: More staring.  I’m gonna stare the crap outta ya!

Now suddenly they’re running.  After . . .something.

T1: It’s the vampire Olympics!

They’re running after Victoria.  Oh, yeah, the only likable character.

Giant wolves come after her.

Me: Puppies!

They’re flying and hopping all over the place, ricocheting against trees like pinballs.

T2: Batman!  No Spiderman!

Me: Not anywhere as cool.

Victoria leaps over a cavern.  I believvvve I can flyyyyy!

****

I'm soooo awesommmmme!

I’m soooo awesommmmme!

Oh, now we’re back at school.  Nooooo.  Edward and Bella mumble talk for awhile.

Ed: Mumblemumblemumble

Bella: Mumblemumble mumble?

Ed: Mumble Mumblejumbo.

They get out of the car.  And ka-BAM, music gets louder and JACOB is here in all his abby glory!

T2: Everything is awesommmmme!

Jacob points out that Bella should know wtf is going on.  So should the audience.  At least you can understand Jacob.

Edward: I was trying to protect you

Bella: By lying to me?

Me: Bin-go!

Bella hops on Jacob’s bike.  Eat DIRT vampire!

****

Sorry, Stephenie made me a jerk in this one . . .

Sorry, Stephenie made me a jerk in this one . . .

Jacob’s place.  Jacob walks over a log.

T2: Hey ya like my log?  I chew on it.

The shirtless crew arrive!  None of the werewolves wear shirts.  It’s a rule.

T1: They got kicked out of school.  Couldn’t conform to dress codes.

There’s a girl werewolf now, but yuck, cause she whines about her broken heart.  And probably her period too!  Apparently they can read minds.  So she can hear their thoughts too.  And they’re teenage boys.  Guess what they’re thinking?  I’d be pissed too.

Jacob explains “imprinting”.  Basically, no free will guys.  You’re just in loves and that’s that!

Jacob: They aren’t even alive

T1: Well, you’re a dogman

Me: Kibbles and bits, kibbles and bits.

T2: About to go woof woof now.

Jacob: I’d rather you be dead than one of them!

Bella: I can’t believe you said that.

T1: Sorry, Stephenie Meyer made me a jerk in this book.

****

She didn't use Downy . . .

She didn’t use Downy . . .

Creeper guy in Bella’s room.  Figure it’s Edward, but no, another vampire – dude bitten in the beginning.  Grabs her pajamas and sniffs.  And keeps it!

T1: Ewwww.

T2: Did you see the look on his face?

Guy wanders around house.

T1: Dad needs a better security system

Me: He’s not a very good cop . . .

Dude leans over Dad sleeping on couch

T1: Eww don’t kiss him!

****

Next day Eddie comes in w/ black pupils.

Bella: I know I smell like dog.

Us: Snorrrt

Edward figures out someone has been in Bella’s room.  Genius!

****

Forget action, let's sit around some more!

Forget action, let’s sit around some more!

Vampire group meeting!  Woot!  Lots of mumbling.  Who could be after Bella?  Gee?

Bella: Victoria?

Alice: Noo I’d have seen it.  (Why didn’t she see all the other stuff?)

Rosalie acts like a jerk to Bella.  I still like Rosalie best.  Bella says dogboy can protect her while they run around aimlessly.

Wolves decide to take over so vamps can hunt.

T1: So now the wolves wanna protect Bella too? Way to get their priorities straight.

****

Yo, check out my abs.

Yo, check out my abs.

They drive up and there’s Jake doing his model pose.

Edward: Doesn’t he own a shirt?

T1: They save money that way.

Edward sticks his tongue in Bella’s mouth. Subtle!

Jacob hugs her tightly.

Me: Just pee on her already.

 ****

Way to ruin the Native Americans, Stephenie!

Way to ruin the Native Americans, Stephenie!

Jacob takes her to a tribal meeting.

Bella: Aren’t their stories secret?

Me: Not after Stephenie got hold of them.

Jacob wrestles with another guy.

T1: Finally boys doing boy stuff!

Elder dude: One day our warriors came across a creature

They show the femmiest pirate vampire dude EVER.  We laugh.  Indians show up wearing potato sacks. Totally freak out.  Indian Hulk Smash! We laugh again.

He's a vampire pirate. And fabulouuuuuussss!

He’s a vampire pirate. And fabulouuuuuussss!

The Native American “third wife” kills herself to distract the vampire.  Oh, oh, movie, don’t give Bella ideas.

Bella  sits there with same doped up expression

T1: Can she ever breathe through her nose?

 ****

Back with pajama stealing vamp dude.  Talks to girl.  Smashing heads. Blah.

 ****

Back to the stupid vampire council.  They think newborn vampires are after them.  Newborns are like, totes uncontrollable.  And need diapers.  Not really.  But it’d be about as interesting.

 ****

Bella back w/Dad who says he’d never stop searching if she were missing.  Oooh guilt trip.

 ****

Bella and Eddie.

Bella doesn’t know what to tell family.

Me: Mom and Dad: I am a blood sucking freak. Merry Christmas!

Bella and Eddie smooch smooch

 ****

Stupid Love Triangles Presents . . .

Stupid Love Triangles Presents . . .

Jacob and Bella

Jacob: You love me you just don’t know it yet!

Me:  Creeeeeper

T2: Batman or Dogface?  How to choose?

Jacob forces her into kiss.  Bella punches him and breaks hand.

Eddie gets madface and he and Jacob slap fight each other.

 ****

Let's just make the movie about Rosalie, huh?

Let’s just make the movie about Rosalie, huh?

Back to vampire council.  Enddddd.  Ennnndddd.  How can we only be 45 minutes in???

Rosalie has her flashback. Why is it the background vampires are all more interesting than Edward or Bella?

 Stay tuned tomorrow for more of, unfortunately, Bella and Edward.  If you dare.