Alice’s Plan for World Domination (and some contest winners!)
Hi, it’s me, Alice!
That’s right. I’m totally Alice. And um, this is like my blog and all of you are followers of ME, yes ME Spar . . . um, Alice!
Anyway, I am super excited about all of you who agreed to become my minions er I mean that entered Alice’s uh my contest to win the Sparkly Poneh of Wonder! But you will get so much more just by entering! You see we will not stop at sparkly ponehs. No, there are more sparkly doo-dads to be found, my friends. You know those blog awards your peeps have but you don’t? Well, they are all, ALL going to be ours – all the riches for us – yes, yes, even all the Freshly Pressed badges will all belong to me my precioussssssssssss! I mean us! How will we do it? By taking over WordPress, of course!
You say it can’t be done? Yes it can! We just have to storm WordPress’s headquarters. Well, you do, I’m going to sit on my lightbulb butt er my fair fanny. I’m thinking we can send that dj guy in first. He’ll distract all the editors with his suck uppiness while the rest of you guys can take over the site! There may be casualties, but it’s for a greater cause. Me.
Okay, once we’ve got the Death Star secure, we just have to work on the rest of the blogosphere. WordPress is totally the leading blog site, so all we have to do is get everyone to come here by informing them that Blogger, Tumblr, Linked-In (does anyone actually use that) and everything else sucks monkey brains. They will appreciate us so much for freeing them from crappy blogging platforms that they will obey our every command!
Then from there it’s easy peasy to take over the entire earth. ALL the Xboxes on the planet will be ours to play with, you guyz. Are you confused? Don’t worry, I have this handy chart here . . . somewhere . . .
Wait a second . . .
That’s not my evil domination chart! That’s a xeroxed copy of Squirrel’s butt! Hey!
Gotcha.
That’s it, you little rat, give me back my plans!
You mean the plans he just ate? Wait a day or so and you’ll get them back.
What? What??? My secret plans! Are you ready for a fight, Pony?
Fight me and I’ll sit on you.
Oh. Oh, uh, no, don’t do that. You wouldn’t do that to Alice your old pal, would you?
You aren’t Alice! Your clever disguise does not fool me you are Sparky and you won’t win cause we will defeat you with the power of goodness and Xerox machines and Oreo cookies so watch out! Sad Pony, take off the wig and dress!
It is Sparky. What a surprise.
You meddling animals! You haven’t seen the last of me!!!
Hello, real Alice here now. Wow, that was close. Thank goodness my little furry friends were there for me. It shows they really care.
We hate you marginally less than Sparky.
Close enough. For those of you taken in by Sparky’s plot, as I was, do not feel bad. It happens to all of us. Still, I’d like to congratulate our winner, of the coveted Sparkleponeh and a raccoon sticker from Goldfish’s shop, EvilSquirrel! He was chosen using a complex system created by the Things consisting of checking off Sparky attributes (he had the most, maybe?). He also received bonus points for stealing a picture from my blog to make his own award and for his awesome Bond-ish squirrel drawing. Of course all our contestants did an outstanding job and it was still really hard to choose. Thanks so much for entering, my awesome peeps!
THIS. He gets . . . THIS! And a sticker!
But it seems like there should be something more . . . a second prize, which in keeping with Wonderland tradition will be greater than the first prize. And here it is . . . stickers of my two blog defenders, Sad Pony and Squirrel! These fab pictures of my dynamic duo were created by Goldfish, whose store I will once again promote – she has Halloween stuff there now, guys! Cute freaking ghosties!
Sad Pony and Squirrel!
The second place winner is djmatticus, narrowly edging out the others based on bonus points for sheer unadulterated enthusiasm. Congrats! If the winners will email me their addresses, I will send out their prizes ASAP! Thanks again all of you for playing along and for being awesome and very unsparkiesh followers.
The Real Alice (accept no substitutes)
Wait, this is the prize? What kind of a contest IS this?
The Sparkly Home Stretch
I am totally gansta.
Yo, Homies, Sparkleponies, whazzup in de hood yo fo shizzle? Sparky here. I have no idea what I’m saying, but yo, I am so cool. Alice asked me to write this post here reminding you, AGAIN, that she has that contest in which you, if you dare, get to try to be as awesomesauce as I am. Good luck with that one!
We’re in the home stretch now, down to the wire, end of the line, insert metaphor here. In case you lost your Lol Cats calendar, today is Wednesday, September 25th, and that means you have less than five days (wait, let me count) yeah four days to get your entries in! On Monday, September 30th, Alice will announce the winner, who will receive this incredible sparkly prize – THE SPARKLEPONY!!!
Ooooh. Aaaaah. WTF?
Once more, I will give you our contestants and LINK DROP so you can see their posts. Each of these guys is a real contender and totally deserving of that poneh – but the winner? There can be only ONE, dun dun dunnnnn.
djmatticus (our first brave contestant)
You’re not going to let these guys win it, are you? I mean, Alice even added some raccoon sticker in with the fabulous sparkly amazing pony award. But that’s not all. She’ll even throw in packing paper, you peeps. This is THE contest that can’t be missed, this is the SHIZ!
See you all on Monday, September 30, when we announce the WINNERS of my awesome contest! I have such great plans for you, bwahahahaha, I mean, see you then!
– The Sparkster
The Sparky Plot!
Sad Pony, Sad Pony, Sad Pony, Sad Ponehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
What.
It’s that Sparky guy, Sad Pony! He’s eeeeeeeevil and he’s trying to take over Alice’s blog I heard him plotting Zomg what do we dooooo?
He was plotting out loud.
Yesss, all the evil villains plot out loud Sad Pony!
Only the stupid ones. Okay, Sparky counts.
I also found some of his plans on a dry erase board in Thing Two’s bedroom! Look Sad Pony, look, will you look it’s terribleeee!!!!!
Sparky’s Evil Plot Chart
He made a chart. He’s an idiot.
But Sad Pony, Sad Pony if he succeeds then he might want to date Miss Four Eyessss!!!!!
. . . . .
This means war.
Alice is having that contest and getting other bloggers to act like him Sad Pony and then he will take over the blogosphere of Sparkys! Alice is playing right into his hands what do we doooo????
I will have to think on his destruction.
But Sad Poneh Alice is giving the bloggers sparklepony! How we gonna compete with a Sparkly poneh like that oh how, how, how?
We could offer my manure as a prize and it’d be better than that monstrosity.
We’re gonna give them poops? Oh, boy, I have lots of those to give this will be awesome!
No, idiot, not poop. I will think of something. Sparky is going down.
Oooooh!
Hey, I see you guys. You will never defeat me. I is de shiz.
I sense a bit of unrest on my blog . . . to be continued.
– Alice
Introducing . . . .Sparklepony Wars!
Greetings, Sparkleponies. After announcing that I would give everyone more time on my illustrious contest, I got several entries in over the weekend. Thanks so much for your participation! Today I’ll give you links to some awesome posts in celebration of Sparky, but first a word from Sparky himself.
Word.
Yo, homies, Sparks has entered the building. You can all relax. Autographs later. None on the buns, hun.
Alice handed me the stack of entries and wow I was so not impressed, but then, who can be as awesome as I am, right? Still there is that . . . thing she’s offering and I’m going to have to choose a winner. I think I’d rather give more tips first, this time about the comments section. Yeah, no, Alice is not getting her post back.
Be sure and make everything, I don’t care what it is, into a political argument. For instance: Blogger says “My grandma died.” You would then say “It’s all Obama’s fault.” See, simple.
Post anonymously. That way you can say really Jerky stuff and no one will know who to blame. Bonus points if the blogger blames the wrong person.
Get into a fight with another commenter about some random word you disagree with in the post. Keep at it. Never give up. Never surrender. Example: Corn is NOT a vegetable and I will not rest until you accept that!
Okay, that’s all the wisdom I could poop out for now. Let’s get to our contestants. Yawn.
First up djmatticus. This guy thinks he is a jester in some mythical kingdom, yet his wife is a queen and his son is a prince. His wife must have really strange tastes to go for the jester. I wonder if the king knows. Anyhoo, I have to admire this guy’s suction power. We’re talking Hoover here. Also he made up a pointless award with an applesauce jar and tons of stupid rules. Alice actually participated in it. She has no life. Anyway, I like this dj, even if he lied and is not, in fact, a real D.J. I need some tunes, fo shizzle.
I eat awesomesauce for breakfast every morning.
Next is dranoman, oh wait, draliman. Eh, whatever. This guy knows how to properly suck up. Compliment the kids. Moms, like Alice, are total suckers for that junk. He even made her Things their own badge. Well played man, well played. Here’s the badge in case you have yard apes of your own.
How about the awful kids award? Where’s that one?
Okay, next is . . . wait, that’s a dog. We’ve got a dog entering the contest now? Yes? Oh, whatever. Okay, so next up is easyweimeraner. What can I say about this blogger? Cute doggy. Goood doggy. No, that’s my butt, not a chew toy! Uh, anyway, he had to have his human write the post because paws, you know, and wow his owner is clueless. Thought my name was Spanky. Do I look like one of the Little Rascals? Jeez. But doggy did show lots of pictures of himself (are you a he, doggy? I’m not sure and I’m not checking.) which is very sparkyish. Good job! Have a biscuit!
Good one, doggie. I like it.
And now we have . . . okay wait a minute. First a dog and now a squirrel? What the hey with the animal friends, Alice? I thought that was Snow White’s gig. Sigh. Next contestant is evilsquirrel. Well, for a squirrel, he’s pretty dang cool. Not only did he make a picture of me being loved on by really hot squirrel girls (you know, for squirrels) but he also stole one of Alice’s pictures to make an award. I want this guy on my paintball team. Check out his award, which he bestowed upon some Merbear (don’t ask me what that is, I don’t even want to deal with . . .)
Using Alice’s lame-o drawing for a lame-o award. Brilliance right there. Brilliance.
Our next contestant! Merbear! Half bear, half mermaid, she’s all goofy. Alice calls her Wonder Twin because she thinks they are superheroes. They want to be two of the lamest superheroes in comic book history, but whatever. She made most of the post about her own award, which I thought totally rocked. She cried on a dumpster dive record and got people to compete for it. With haikus. And they did. Bloggers will do anything. Remember that.
Imagine this with mold – wow.
Okay, now the last contestant (for now ) is twindaddy. I’m guessing that means he’s a daddy of twins. I’m a GENIUS. This guy has this other personality he talks to, which is totally weird. Like, who does that? And this other personality wrote a post totally dissing the Sparkster here. That takes gall. I admire that. He thinks he’s coming after me, but I’m not worried. My butt has sparks, sparks, sparks, sparks, sparks to light the world. Dude even put a crown on his head. That crown would fit me beautifully. It clashes with his armor.
Silly stormtrooper, crowns are for meee!
Well that’s all the contestants for now. But THERE IS STILL TIME. Alice wants me to stress this. You can still enter the contest by making a post sounding as much like me, King of the Blogosphere, as possible. She’s a little unstable, so you guys might want to play along. I mean, who knows what she’ll do. Remember, this is what’s at stake.
Yeah. Um. This!
Good luck,
Sparks
Sparkly Announcement!
Hey, Good News, Sparkleponies! I have decided to extend the deadline of the Sparklepony contest for a few reasons. 1) Peeps be busy. 2) I want to give everybody a chance. 3) I’ve only gotten in one entry so far. 4) Some of you have no idea wtf I am talking about but now you DO! It’s about this, folks.
You could win THIS sparklepony ooooh look at the shiny glitter! You wants it, yes?
You know you wants it. It is your preciousssssss. All you have to do, if you’ll remember, is write an obnoxious post acting like you are Sparky the won-der blog-ger! If you need ideas, just watch me. I’m obnoxious quite a lot. You knew that? Shut up.
Anyhoo, for all you speshul peeps out there, I am extending the deadline for the contest till September 30th. That’s right, more time to procrastinate – I mean, to get to work! You cannot let that jester djmatticus win so easily! Not when a poneh is on the line!
(this message brought to you by Alice, who might have snorted too much glue whilst glittering this plastic pony. Please humor her.)
Awesomesauce
Dj over at the Matticus Kingdom submitted the first entry into my “Be like Sparky” contest. In case you missed it, the award is a My Little Pony that has had glitter smeared all over it. It is FABULOUS. Anyway, I have to say his jesterness was pretty clever in getting me to write a post after I got him to write a post in my post.
THIS award, zomg, the sparkles! Sparkle, sparkle!
He gave me a new award. It’s an applesauce jar, only, get this, it says “awesomesauce”. I know, it’ so brilliant I cannot believe Sparky didn’t think of it and give it to himself. After reading his many LINK DROPS, I saw that there were questions involved in this award. Foiled again! But I have decided to make exceptions if the award is hand made and / or has something to do with this contest. Clearly my standards are HIGH.
I would eat this whole jar but I’m already full of it.
I will have Sparky answer since this is his contest.
Here we go:
Questions to be answered:
How do you define your awesomesauceness?
Sparky says “awesome with a touch of Vitamin C.”
Are there some who call you “Tim?”
I have been called many things. Tim isn’t one.
What is your favorite movie and why (please answer in the form of 12 page essay)?
That G.E. lightbulb gal. I don’t want to write that many words, so here is a picture which should cover it.
A real party girl. She is so Hawt!
Why doesn’t Le Clown visit the matticus kingdom very often?
The real question is why Sparky doesn’t have his own kingdom yet. Fix that.
Does Baby C ever wonder why there is no Baby D (like Baby A and Baby B have each other)?
I’d think he’d be more annoyed that his name is just a letter. Better to be called a Thing, though that is horrid as well. What odd parents.
How have your movements been recently?
I have a lightbulb for a butt, right? So – sparky.
How many projects can Queen Creative juggle at any given time?
You are speaking of Alice, I assume, as Alice created me out of the many voices rattling around in her head. I can juggle anything, but I prefer to hire out my juggling.
Okay and next I’m supposed to annoy pass on this award to others. Bwahaha. I am too lazy to pick 49 people, but I’ll choose a few. I would pick twindaddy and several others who were already picked, but I’m not sure how much awesomesauce they can eat before exploding.
Merbear (because she is awesomesauce squared and my wonder twin forevah)
Goldfish (because she made me a SAD PONY in her art shop – more on that later)
Tammy (because she likes torching Sims too)
evilsquirrel13 (Because he has great cartoons and he’s a squirrel. And evil.)
faithhopechocolate (because she is a nun that read my 50 Shades of Grey recaps and that is SO AWESOMESAUCE I can’t stand it)
draliman (because he is willing to saw off a leg for a cause.)
Laura (because that cat posts some funny comments, for a cat)
Rutabaga (because she is a librarian which = awesomesauce)
braithe an’lithe (because she likes yoga bling)
List of X (because I just know he can make a top ten list out of anything.)
dj (cause he is awesomesauce to be the first contestant)
UndercoverL (because she came up with a great mad libs contest)
easyweimaraner (because what a cute doggy)
And so many more but my finger got tired with all the linking so just know I mean you too and all. My choices might have partly been people who happened to comment on that post. Oh, and everyone also gets a Sparkly pony badge. Wear it with pride! Or something.
In case you missed it the last few times.
I’m not adding new questions because I already have people sharpening their number 2 keyboards and thinking up posts. I just know it.
There is STILL TIME to get your entries in, folks! Try to contain your excitement!
Sparkleponies, away!
Hi ho, all, it’s Alice again. As if it’d be anyone else, right? Oh, wait, I guess it could be Sad Pony, Squirrel, Mary Alice, or my latest bud-dy, Sparky the Won-der Blog-ger! I have been told he resembles another Sparky who led children in Bible verses in a religious club known as Awana. There was even a theme song. “We are sparks, sparks, sparks, sparks to light the world!” Sparky has quite a back story he isn’t telling me. Awana leaders, please do not come after me!
Yo, homie. I is de shiz! (sparky is acting on his own here, I swear)
Anyway, another blogger, Laura (Linking to fellow bloggers to say thanks is not Sparky-ish), suggested that Sparky should have a name for his followers. I think that’s a fabulous idea that has probably never been done before! Her suggested name is fabulous too. She said followers should be called “Sparkleponies.” Who hasn’t wanted to be a Sparkle Pony? I, personally, had eleventy-billion of those sparkly My Little Ponies when I was a kid. Of course I wanted to be one. Only Barbie herself had more bling.
But like any club, there has to be badges so peeps know who has had the most Kool-Aid . . .I mean, who is a true and loyal follower of Sparky. So I made one for Sparky, all by myself, once again putting my education and multiple art classes to work. Check it out.
Now if you want to join the Sparkleponies, all you gotta do is take the pledge. Oh and a few other things. You can find them in the fine print of your enrollment forms, but I wouldn’t worry about them. It’s just minor details, really.
A trifle, really . . .
Okay, then, now you are ready to say the pledge! “Yes I am a Sparklepony! Got a problem with it?” Say it loud and proud. Then go put your badge on your blog, like on the side, or better right in the border of your blog. You’ll be glad you did. There are many benefits to joining Cult Club Sparklepony. Here’s a handy list.
- You get to worship Sparky at the blog of your choice, this one, Aliceatwonderland.
- You get to have wonderful artwork on your blog
- You get to explain to people how you have never grown up and no you do not intend to now.
- You’ll get paid . . . in joyness and inner peace.
- It’s just cool, you guyz.
Okay, then, my only question left to you is – are you a sparklepony?
* Edit – It was actually Laura who came up with sparkleponies. My bad. Alice no can read.
Blogging with Sparky!
Today I’d like to introduce you guys to Sparky. Say “Hello,” Sparky.
Yo, Homies, what be happenin’ down in de hood? Word!
Thank you. Now Sparky is a blogger who is way more famous than you are. He’s so famous, in fact, that no one has ever heard of him. But now he’s come out of hiding and has lots of tips for people just starting out. Take it away, Sparky.
Link Drop!
If you wanna get read, you gotta let people see what you’ve written. So be sure to put at least three links back to your own stuff in every post you write. Here’s one Alice wrote, for example. Also, you can link to other bloggers, but only really famous bloggers like the Bloggess. “Yo, Bloggess, Wazzup?” is something I often say while we are hanging out.
Leave Comments!
You gotta leave a bunch of comments on the posts of other bloggers if you want comments on yours. Don’t bother reading their posts, you don’t have that kind of time. Just say it was great, and then just happen to slip in a link back to one of your posts. This works especially well on blogs like, oh I don’t know, the Bloggess. Don’t worry if the link has nothing to do with the post. You didn’t read it anyway, right? How could they expect you to know? Here’s an example:
Cool post! Oh hey I wrote http://www.sparkywonderblogger.wordpress.com/coffeeenemas. Whoops, where’d that link come from?
Worship certain bloggers.
Everyone’s gotta have a hero, right? Be sure and let your bloggy hero know how much he or she is appreciated. Leave multiple novel length comments on every one of their posts praising them as the god or goddess they are. Write hundreds of posts dedicated to said blogger. Try to friend the blogger on Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus, Tumblr, etc. Find out where he lives. Send her long descriptive emails, or at least an e-card, several times a day. You won’t fail to make a great impression on them. You’ll be besties in no time!
Send out lots of those chainmail awards.
Who doesn’t like bling? Especially bling that comes with a lot of freaking work involved! Be sure and send a LOT of these awards out. It doesn’t matter if someone actually gave you the award to begin with. Just rip one off of someone else’s blog. It’s called copy / paste. Then send it to dozens of your blog pals, along with a list of demands. They must answer all the questions, and ask new questions, do the hokey pokey, and then link to a dozen other bloggers like the best pyramid scheme ever. If you’re super creative, you can make up your own award. Like this one Alice made up.
I’ve been awarded this one several times! Go figure, huh?
Inflate your blog.
So you have 2 followers, and one is you, and the other is your dog. No problems. Just get on Facebook and Twitter and randomly friend as many people as possible. It counts in the stats! Then display your follower number for all to see. You might also want a few dozen awards displayed in your side bar. An impressive one is that blue “Freshly Pressed” symbol. Haven’t been pressed yet? No problems. Remember the old copy / paste. Bam, you are an instant success. People will be begging to follow you now.
Declare yourself Ruler of the Blogosphere.
Now that you know what to do, you have to act like you are the best blogger ever. Be as conceited as possible. Form admiration societies for yourself. Remember, your poops are like freshly pressed cinnamon rolls.
aliceatwonderland 