The Blob
You may have heard of The Blob. It’s an old horror flick about, well, a blob that goes around sucking people into it. There are several iterations of the same villain, such as The Creeping Terror, which was so scary that the actors would willingly help out by climbing into it. But the Blob I’m talking about is like me, cause that’s how I feel when I have little energy but am still expected to do things.
Meet Blob.
Blob is the result of years of art class. Say “Hi!” Blob.
I spent a while thinking of what color to make Blob. First I considered black, but I’m not that far gone, and Blob is not emo, just blobby. So then I considered other colors like yellow (too sunshiny), brown (too poopy), red (too bloody), pink (too frilly), and gray (too bland). I finally settled on lavender, cause it looks grayish, but with bits of purple trying to poke out.
I don’t feel that sad most of the time now. I know I can do things, heck I even make plans sometimes to do the things. But then this inertia sets in and my body says “Haha brain, yeah we like sitting.” An object at rest tends to stay at rest, especially if said object is me, and it doesn’t really have anywhere it HAS to go other than dropping and picking Things (ie children) up at school. So after said chore is done in the morning, it’s easy to drop back into bed, but not easy to get out. So I sort of have to slime my way. Here it is in four simple steps.
The key is sliming out slowly. Yes that’s a bed he’s sliming out of.
I used a similar method for getting out of bed when I was very sick with pneumonia. I’m not that sick now, though I am getting over yet another respiratory infection and the antibiotics that treat it by making me all nauseous. But really, this was happening before any other physical cause. So I’m thinking blob might be a slight lack of motivation on my part.
I can blob my way to the kitchen, sliming around, grabbing a bowl I keep clean, avoiding the pile of dirty dishes, and then sliming back to my computer where I do important business. Like surfing the internet or drawing blob pictures. But inevitably I will need to do something like say – those dishes. Or the laundry. Or get those groceries. Or maybe try to join a gym because I am very out of shape and exercise gives you energy, right, if you can get enough energy to do it! The gym is, literally, one block away from me. And it’s open 24 hours a day.
But it’s never that simple! You can’t go to gym until you have clothes to wear to the gym. So you slime over and wash clothes. And yay you have a shirt, an exercise squeeze-you-too-tight bra and yoga pants that show all the wrong curves! Great. Missing just one thing. Something you really ought to have a lot of no matter what you do.
Where is the UNDERWEAR???
It is really bad for me to lose something important like underwear, especially when it is really hard to find underwear that fits right. As of late, it has been harder than buying jeans, and nothing should be harder than that. So I tried on type after type until finally finding one with no elastic in the waistband at all (as it should be) and of course they don’t have my size, which is monster size according to Wal-Mart. Keep in mind I wore a size 8 when I was 5’7″ and 130 lbs. That is considered X-large right there. I have to wonder what really obese people wear, cause while overweight, I still consider myself relatively normal. I guess they have to follow Babar the elephant.
This is where I am heading.
I don’t want to have to go to the Big Store with Babar. I don’t trust stores that let in elephants who steal the purses of old ladies. So that means I must try to not get any bigger. Or blobbier. So after all that laundry and underwear searching (Alice does not go commando), I am way too exhausted to think about the gym. I’ve also worked up an appetite.
Speaking of appetites, another thing I could do to improve energy is to not eat so much not nutritious food. They say eating healthy (green) things makes you have more energy, or some such nonsense. So I make a pledge to find out what food constitutes healthy that I can force myself to eat. This lasts five minutes until my husband brings home Cocoa Crispies cereal. Really? What was I supposed to do? They were THERE.
NOMMMMMMMM!
So I have these two creatures I have to face: motivation and self-control. You might have met these two before if you’ve read my blog in the past. They have names.
Pony sat on my motivation.
Squirrel has amazing self-control. He only ate 500 nuts this morning before puking.
I’ve been slightly blobby for a while now, but I always had somewhere I had to be in the past. Someone to check to make sure I was not blobbing 24/7. I don’t have a parent or a boss standing over me now, so that someone is going to have to be – yikes – me? They say pick a friend and ask that friend to hold you accountable for doing stuff, but yeah, I don’t have a lot of friends, and those I do have I don’t dislike that much. Also some of them have blob issues as well.
Have any advice for blobs? Feel free to offer it in the comments below! I will slime over and read them – eventually!
~Alice
Cover Songs or post I stole from another blogger!
Okay, so I haven’t been writing lately cause of the bloody pony and squirrel. If you’re new, you may not have been introduced. First there is Sad Pony. He might look like a picture, but he’s very real. He enjoys sitting on me and acting sarcastic to hide his deep, dark pain.
Deep dark pain. Check it.
Next up is Squirrel. He is also not just a picture, but a real anxiety attack in fuzzy form.
Oh woooowwww omg you haven’t used me in forever I’m here I’m still here what are you doing will you do something now omg I think the world is gonna end better take hold of my nuts wait did that sound bad hey where are you going?
So right, as Merbear, whose post I just stole, said, music can help tame these bad boys here, at least for a little while. At the moment I am looking into new treatments for them because they’re cute and all but I want them kept at bay. I want an actual life. When you can look at your blog posts, giggle a little cause gosh you’re funny, but then realize that crap, you’ve sort of gone downhill over the years, it’s time to do something. Anything. But before I take up drunk hunting, I figured I’d try to write a few posts. Just to say I did. And why music? Cause I can’t think of anything else right now! Awesome!
So I had a record player when I was really little. It was a Winnie the Pooh record player. And I played it quite a bit. I also used the record player in the living room. Sometimes you had to put one of those little circular things inside the single disks, cause they had a bigger hole. I don’t know why they had a bigger hole, they just did. Also you had to play them on a higher speed. This was also a fun thing to do to regular records, so they would song like Chipmunks. Where was I? Right, so I played records, like Ghostbusters. I remember that one, especially on high speed. Also “Bad Boys” by Miami Sound Machine now known as Gloria Estefan. I am dating myself. I’m a great date.
This brings back memories. I was so cool as a kid.
I also had cassette tapes (all you cute little millennials – google this stuff) and the first one I remember was Hall and Oates. My brother gave it to me, because back then he gave me stuff he wanted. Come to think of it, he still kind of does this. I was around eight I think? That was also when my parents gave me my first phone in my room (pink!), so they wouldn’t have to hear me yammer any longer. My parents were progressive that way. My brother and I both got Sony Walkmans, because my parents liked us also shutting up on trips. I would often listen to my player, especially when I needed to cover up my father’s twang Country music. I was pleased to find out that Thing Two was trying to drown out Hakuna Matata the other day while Thing One and I sang at the tops of our lungs. Apparently Disney doesn’t go well with My Chemical Romance. We felt sads about this – haha, no we didn’t.
I can remember thinking I was sooo much older listening to music. I walked home one day and the speakers at the baseball field were playing Cyndi Lauper’s She-Bop and I danced and sang like the bad nine-year-old I was, having blissfully no idea what Cyndi was actually singing about (thank you Cracked for clearing up that mystery). There are other songs that bring back memories of roller skating rinks (look it up) and amusement parks (ours was called Wonderland, for reals). Now that I’m older, I listen to other music, but I still love the 80s. They are the best. I like some of today’s music – some of which I will embarrassingly admit to later, and the oldies too, though not as much as Merbear. We still have this weird ability to finish songs the other one starts, no matter what the time or genre. Sometimes we don’t both like a song and we have to take a breather and say, it’s okay, everyone has faults. But mostly we enjoy the same stuff. While there are songs that you love, there are also songs you hate with equal passion. I’ll talk about that too, maybe.
For example, here is a song I hate. I HATE IT.
Music has a magical ability to change your mood. It doesn’t work on everyone – I had tone deaf English students. I asked them how all different genres of music felt, what it made them think of, from classical to modern day, from fast to slow. They said “your music sucks.”. I was 22, they were at least 18. I really don’t think four years should have made a difference. But wow, it can. For me, though, music is powerful. I can feel my heart swell when I hear it, and my soul soar. Like movies, music can take you places. It can actually heal you, and slow down your anxiety (lots of youtube videos are good for this). I even saw a video about this old man with Alzheimer’s who was non responsive – until they put headphones on him with his favorite music from his younger years. He literally came alive.
So yeah, I think I’ll talk about music. Here’s hoping, anyway.
~Alice
Sad Pony and Squirrel Ride Again
I haven’t been posting as much lately. I’m not sure if very many people have noticed, but I have, and there is a reason for it. Put out an APB for one sad pony and one squirrel possibly high on meth tainted nuts.
What?
I can’t help it Alice has so many nuts in her attic and I just go wild man willllllllllllld!
In case you don’t know much about these two (any first time people who somehow stumbled over here can find out more on my About page) these guys represent my depression and anxiety. Guess which one is which? I’ve been having issue with both of these little hairballs, and since I’m allergic to fur, I’m pretty sure I’m allergic to both of them as well. Some say they are just pictures, but believe me, they are a little too real.
It’s okay, I’m one of those non-shedding anxiety squirrels!
These guys didn’t always represent my issues. Originally Sad Pony was just a funny meme I found somewhere that I tossed onto my page. I loved him so much I did this quite often. There is something about a pony that just looks this sad. I realize he probably isn’t really sad, he’s just tired, you know, typical pony burnout. But he sure looks pathetic in that picture. Added to the humor (my sense of humor is a little different, like me!) are the words “Sad Pony is Sad.” I find this dopey redundant sentence totally hilarious. But also fitting. Because even depressed, I can see humor everywhere. Sometimes, with enough distance, I can see how humorous some of my depressive thoughts can seem. Like Eeyore on steroids.
Noooobody worry about me. I’ll just sit here. With pins in my eyes. No, no, I’m fine, just that my life is a hollow lie and my soul a darkened pit of despair and agony. Oh, and I’m sitting on a squirrel. This makes me uncomfortable.
At some point, Sad Pony just became another character on my blog, just as he is a character in my life. I am not depression, and depression isn’t me. In this case, it’s a fat pony that just flops down on top of me and says “Take a break. Take 50.” It’s rather hard to get things done with this thing sitting on you. Forget the black dog. I have a Sad Pony, and ponies are heavy, especially when lethargic. Or so I’ve heard. I’ve never met a real pony – er beside this one who is REAL. Somewhere. I mean I have no idea who shot this picture. But I thank them.
Thanks so bloody much, Internet.
But I’m not always just sad. I also have anxiety. And the best way I’ve figured out to describe anxiety is with a squirrel. Have you ever watched these guys before? Holy crap, it’s like some wire in their brain is being repeatedly shocked so that they have to dart from here to there and back again for no particular reason that I can tell. Maybe it’s because they are toward the bottom of the food chain, and don’t want to get eaten. The only time I’ve seen them remotely calm is on the college campus where I currently work, and that’s because college students are always – purposely or not – feeding the little suckers. They’d grown so unafraid that they will actually sit on your foot. The squirrels, not the students. These squirrels can never leave campus or they will be killed almost immediately.
I’m a college squirrel. My major is Abnormal Psychology.
Squirrel also started out as a picture I threw into posts partly because of the Disney movie “Up” where a dog is given the ability to speak and, not surprisingly, he has little to say and is often distracted. He can be in the middle of a sentence, spot a squirrel, and yell randomly “SQUIRREL!” That’s my anxiety in a nutshell (pun intended bwaha). I can be totally fine and then suddenly feel extreme panic. I am fearful of what most people are not, like say going to work. Sure they might not want to go to work, but their adrenaline doesn’t shoot up because they are going there. This anxiety would be considered normal if I worked in, say, an ER. But I work in a library. Rarely is my life in danger at a library, though we have had snakes, bats, spiders, wasps, and yes, once a squirrel invade. Also when people shoot up campuses, they often go for the library. I learned this is our Active Shooter Training at work. It really helped with my anxiety.
OMG it’s a gun! Ruuuuuun oh wait it’s just someone’s laptop my mistake!
Laptops look nothing like guns, you moron.
As you can see, these two fellows often interact. Depression makes me see anxiety as even more ridiculous, causing me to feel sad, then spiraling me into anxiety because oh no I’m sad again and how long will this last and then back to depression because come on, you have nothing to be afraid of, Alice. Well, except maybe the possibility of a Trump presidency. Then again, if we do get him, we probably won’t last long as a country because we will be bombed off the earth. Either by other countries or ourselves.
Trump? Trump Trump Trump Trump OMG it’s a weapon of mass destruction!
That’s his hair, you twit. Still . . . point made.
Comforting thoughts, there. Not really, but what is comforting is that I have this blog. And over the years, I’ve had others identify with these two, and even encourage the figments of my imagination. It’s great when other people willingly share in your delusions. And no matter how much that squirrel runs, no matter how much he distracts me, no matter how much he encourages me to scroll through the Internet all day long or do impulsive things, I have a support system. Same with Sad Pony. There is usually someone – like friends Lindy, Jody, my best blog friend Merbear and naturally my Things (among others) – to eventually help distract me from the distraction of that squirrel. There is usually someone who, while maybe unable to lift that pony, will lie down with me until he leaves.
Goldfish even made Sad Pony and Squirrel stickers in her Redbubble Shop! You can also get them on a photo (I have them hanging up), or a pillow, or a baby onesie. Provided she still has it up? I don’t know. But it’s awesome!
So I’m having a lot of ups and downs. Meds really help with this, especially this last one that injected several of Squirrel’s best friends directly into my bloodstream, leaving me wanting to literally climb the walls and run out of my own skin. You are ready for anything to help you at that point, even a fat pony to sit on those squirrels. But I stopped that med, and I continue to hope for the future. For even the most sarcastic people have hope. I thank this blog, and my blog readers, for helping keep up that hope. I thank them for letting me be Alice.
When life throws you flamingos, play polo.
P.S. As a little aside, I have started another blog about my dolls, titled appropriately Wonderland of Plastic. I only have an introduction and one review up so far (Wonderrrr Womaaaaaaaaaan!), but promise more to come. I discuss the dolls and history and since it’s me, Alice, of course I have snark. I’m not sure I can totally write without it. This is also where I’ll be moving my doll stories with the Things. We have more torture planned for our Disney princess housewives. Because there is life after the fairy tale.
Always.
~Alice
21 Days of Gratitude: 3 in 1 Blow
Get it? Thanksgiving = gratitude? Also Squanto was hot.
So I’ve fallen behind in my gratitude stuff, blah blah, bite me. I’m determined to get through every one of these (aren’t you happy?) Let’s see, what was Day 3?
Day 3: Write about something you feel grateful for in your life today.
I just know what some people would write here. God. I’m grateful to God cause like I exist and He hasn’t started another flood in spite of the Tea Party, etc etc. You know what I think? Total cop out there. Don’t get me wrong – I have nothing against God at all. I just have something against people who feel they constantly, and I mean CONSTANTLY, have to tell everyone how much they love Him. It’s sort of like the guy who is always going on and on about how wonderful and perfect and speshul his wife is. If he’s been married to her over 24 hours, I’m looking for the girl in the closet.
Note: You show love for people (and the god you worship) in how you LIVE not just in what you SAY. That being said, I’m so so grateful for my readers! You guys are awesome! Even the spambots!
(cough) Cop out.
Okay, fine, that’s a no-brainer too. Obviously I’m grateful for my readers. Just like I’m grateful for my Things – especially when they are hilarious and clever and, at times, out of my hair. So I need to use my noggin to come up with something different. And I did. Not only that, it takes out two days of gratitude with one stone!
Day 4: Write a short message of thanks for some of the “negative” things in your life.
I didn’t put the quotes around negative. What do they mean by “negative”? Are we talking “dog doo on the shoe” vs “terrorist attack” or what? Nevermind. I found something that answers what I’m grateful for even though it’s a definite negative (no quotes needed).
I am grateful for E.L. James.
WhyAlicewhywhywhywhy someonegetadoctorsheslostitforgoooood!
No, I’m serious. I am thankful, in the negative, for her because if she hadn’t written such crappy books, I would not have been compelled to make 1,000 posts mercilessly mocking them (and her) and so would not have been noticed by someone else mocking her (Speaker 7 – rest her soul) and would not have gotten my hilarious, inspiring readers. Which I really am grateful for, along with God (please don’t strike me down).
Okay, so 3 and 4 are done and now we’re on day 5. Hurrah.
Day 5: Take five minutes to write about how grateful you are for all of the wonderful things that you currently have in your life. Don’t long for what you can’t possess-instead, take stock of all the blessings you already enjoy.
I’m watching you, Alice.
Five minutes? Am I supposed to time myself, cause I type pretty fast. Also, has anyone else noticed that this is getting a bit repetitive? How many times do I need to be grateful for the same things? And another thing – notice that grateful is not spelled like “great” but like “grate” which is something that like covers vents and stuff? I always have to hit spell check on that one to make sure I’m right. Maybe not after this exercise.
I also considered that this would be a good way to show off to other people, especially if you post these suckers on Facebook or something. For example:
I’m grateful for my 1,000 inch flat screen TV, my XBOX 7500, my 5 million buckaroos in the bank, my handsome and virile husband, my perfect straight A, gorgeous, athletic children, the LORD, my house in Malibu, Ronald Reagan, brown paper packages tied up in string, kittens, and the less fortunate people (ie the rest of you) because you make me feel superior. Amen.
I could do that, but I won’t. I, Alice, am thankful for all the wonderful things in my life (how long have I been writing now?) like fuzzy socks, electric blankets, and those family and friends I live with and chat with (like my Wonder Twin!) and all that stuff. And also my FABULOUS READERS who will most definitely leave me lots of comments now.
Alice.
The Trouble with Alice
I’ve been trying to put what’s going on with me into words, and I don’t have anything but CRAYYYYYY CRAYYYYY, which makes for a somewhat lackluster post. But I’ll try anyway. I’ve struggled with my anxiety / depression for a while now. And the anxiety finally reached a breaking point on Thursday when the counselor suggested I go to le Chateau de Mentals.
It probably shows how twisted I am that it occurred to me that might make an interesting blogpost, going into the mental hospital. Possibly I have been blogging too long. Anyway, it also terrified me, and I’m not totally sure how it would help anyway. Sharing a room with another crazy person, going to group therapy with a group of crazy people, and paying through the nose for it. Actually, there is not enough money in my nose or elsewhere for such a thing. And I have insurance, good insurance, that will pay 30 percent of a stay after a rather large deductible. In other words, I will still owe thousands of dollars. If I were on medicaid, it’d all be paid for, but since I have insurance, this hospital offers no financial help.
I have nothing against anyone on medicaid, but I believe everyone should have the chance to be treated. If they want to, which as I said earlier, I’m not even sure if I do. If I knew for sure they would help, I might try it, because I am getting pretty desperate. My body is one giant exposed nerve, like the White Rabbit on LSD having a really bad trip. A sudden noise makes me jump out of my skin, and leaves me shaking. I can’t handle conflict of any kind. It’s just bad.
I am taking FMLA (unpaid but at least I keep my job) to try and get things together. But right now I’m in limbo, cause I have no idea what they plan to do with me since I am not going into the hospital. I don’t know how much time I’ll have off, what medicines they’ll try, nothing. I just know that I’m taking the paperwork to the doctor on Monday, so at least I don’t have to go to work then.
One of the worst things about the state I’m in is that I have upset other people without intending to do so. I fear I’ve lost relationships, or at least damaged them, and I have no one to blame but myself. I’ve had to take a break from Facebook for a while, and I should probably take a break from
other WordPress blogs. I have honestly considered just unfollowing everybody and starting over slowly. I mean nothing personal, but the number of blogs is overwhelming. Everything right now is overwhelming. When I’m better, I will pick back up on them. I would like nothing better than to be able to help others, but right now I’m not in the shape for it. And I know I’m not the only one.
I do have some posts, funny posts, that I plan to get to because I do still need this blog. I treasure all your comments and I’m never happier than when I make someone laugh. As I mentioned before, I have some Game of Thrones reviews – I have become addicted to that stupid show like Crack, but I guess it beats reality TV. Also, the girls and I recently composed a post about dead dogs in children’s literature and how much those books suck. It’s a real romp.
I appreciate all my readers. To my surprise, my stats have not fallen completely into the toilet in my absence. Thanks for that. I hope the rest of you are doing well, or at least better than Sad Pony and Squirrel.
Alice
Thing Two’s Contest Entry
I told my nine-year-old daughter, Thing Two, about Evil Squirrel’s contest. She insisted on submitting her own entry. Here it is unedited. Make of it – what you will.
One day, A Uni-kitty named Possum (in uni-kitty it means Dumb but) Was playing a squirrel on lego Batman 2 on his Wii until he felt something gross on his head for, it was a old dirty possum. This was unussal, Even for a uni-kitty. Possum freaked out and ran across da room until he ran into his Origami Yoda collection.
Note: Unikitty has telephathic powers
“WHO DA HECK R U DUDEZ?” Possum questioned. “Boy are you a super dumb but, for I am Gandolf the pink” Said the possum. “ GANDOLFZ WUT A WEIRD NAME!!!!” “ Like dude I am like the magi of
Gotham city yo!” Gandolf stated. Possem stared at the TV like Bella,
he felt pretty dumb. He knew EVERYTHING about Batman ,but he couldn’t say that he has heard of it before. “ Ugh, like I am a wizard so I
can do magic and do that thou shall not pass stuff.” The wizard replied.
“OH YEA MAN DIS IS SO STOOKY YO!” “I LIKE WISH DAT I WASZ BATMANZ!!” So, Possum got his wish.
Note: Pretty sure this still beats dj’s entry.
Oops, I did it again
I missed another blogging milestone. My 400th post was like five posts ago. Now that’s either really impressive, or kind of sad in that I haven’t seen the sun in so long I’m almost as white as Edward, but not as sparkly. I’m going with impressive. Woot. And to further celebrate this achievement, I have made a doodle for everyone. No, not that kind of doodle, this one.
Look at meeee!
If you’ll notice, I made it in patriotic colors, so that you would all know I am an Amer-i-can. I am so hot, I write the word color without the “u”. Speaking of weird letters, that’s a four up there, not a “y”, though I realize it looks a little more like I’m saying Yoo than 400. Let’s see what my pals have to say about my milestone.
Yeah, post it, what difference does it make? Sighhhhhhhhhhhh.
Thanks, Sad Pony, I can always count on your support!
Alice made 400 posts and I just ate 400 snickers bars to celebrate and now I think I’m gonna ‘splode all over the place!
Please do so outside, in the trees, Squirrel. Ignore that couple up there.
Has anyone seen our mother???
Haha, aren’t my Things cute. Now get away from the computer, Momma’s busy.
Christian: In honor of your milestone, I am going to give Ana 400 smackings!
Ana: Yay!
Both of you, go away. And quit haunting my nightmares too.
Get down and do 400 push-ups now, Alice! NOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOW!
Holy Crap, who let her in? I think that’s enough celebrating for now. I also have an update on the TLC poll. So far “My Secret Addiction” is edging out “Sex put me in the ER” by just one vote! Okay, so the most votes went to “Read a book” but pfft, like THAT’S gonna happen. Anyway, I realized I should have also added an Other category, because several people brought up other incredibly insipid shows including “Sister Wives”, “Secret Princes”, “Gypsy Sister Weddings”, “Morons from Hades”, etc. Oh, the decisions! Anyway, if there’s one you want more than another, be sure and vote, even if you’re voting twice. I don’t think the poll notices. Or you can always put in your write-in vote.
I haven’t forgotten about my Behind the Fairy Tale series. Stay tuned for “The Little Mermaid”, a story about everyone’s favorite bubblehead.
Anyway, have you guys reached any insignificant milestones lately? Tell me in the comments below!
10 Reasons why I am not participating in Nanowriblawhatever
(FYI: Nanowhatever is the post-a-day blog month that is for people too lazy to do nanowrimo which is write a novel in a month month, but I am too lazy to do either.)
1. I not the brain have to form posts many that.
2. No one wants 30 pics of Squirrel.
Yo.
3. I do not have a maniacal puppet assistant like Speaker 7 (who is doing the nanowhatever thing).
4. Sad Pony and his big pony butt.
Reports about me have been greatly exaggerated. I thought Alice was a pillow.
5. Effort?
6. I have Things that ask for food and stuff.
7. I might miss an episode of Extreme Cheapskates and not know that I can share dental floss with my husband to save big bucks.
8. What number am I on?
9. Miley Cyrus.
10. My spambots could not keep up with me.
I think that about covers it. Anyone out there trying for the post a day in November?
Alice’s Plan for World Domination (and some contest winners!)
Hi, it’s me, Alice!
That’s right. I’m totally Alice. And um, this is like my blog and all of you are followers of ME, yes ME Spar . . . um, Alice!
Anyway, I am super excited about all of you who agreed to become my minions er I mean that entered Alice’s uh my contest to win the Sparkly Poneh of Wonder! But you will get so much more just by entering! You see we will not stop at sparkly ponehs. No, there are more sparkly doo-dads to be found, my friends. You know those blog awards your peeps have but you don’t? Well, they are all, ALL going to be ours – all the riches for us – yes, yes, even all the Freshly Pressed badges will all belong to me my precioussssssssssss! I mean us! How will we do it? By taking over WordPress, of course!
You say it can’t be done? Yes it can! We just have to storm WordPress’s headquarters. Well, you do, I’m going to sit on my lightbulb butt er my fair fanny. I’m thinking we can send that dj guy in first. He’ll distract all the editors with his suck uppiness while the rest of you guys can take over the site! There may be casualties, but it’s for a greater cause. Me.
Okay, once we’ve got the Death Star secure, we just have to work on the rest of the blogosphere. WordPress is totally the leading blog site, so all we have to do is get everyone to come here by informing them that Blogger, Tumblr, Linked-In (does anyone actually use that) and everything else sucks monkey brains. They will appreciate us so much for freeing them from crappy blogging platforms that they will obey our every command!
Then from there it’s easy peasy to take over the entire earth. ALL the Xboxes on the planet will be ours to play with, you guyz. Are you confused? Don’t worry, I have this handy chart here . . . somewhere . . .
Wait a second . . .
That’s not my evil domination chart! That’s a xeroxed copy of Squirrel’s butt! Hey!
Gotcha.
That’s it, you little rat, give me back my plans!
You mean the plans he just ate? Wait a day or so and you’ll get them back.
What? What??? My secret plans! Are you ready for a fight, Pony?
Fight me and I’ll sit on you.
Oh. Oh, uh, no, don’t do that. You wouldn’t do that to Alice your old pal, would you?
You aren’t Alice! Your clever disguise does not fool me you are Sparky and you won’t win cause we will defeat you with the power of goodness and Xerox machines and Oreo cookies so watch out! Sad Pony, take off the wig and dress!
It is Sparky. What a surprise.
You meddling animals! You haven’t seen the last of me!!!
Hello, real Alice here now. Wow, that was close. Thank goodness my little furry friends were there for me. It shows they really care.
We hate you marginally less than Sparky.
Close enough. For those of you taken in by Sparky’s plot, as I was, do not feel bad. It happens to all of us. Still, I’d like to congratulate our winner, of the coveted Sparkleponeh and a raccoon sticker from Goldfish’s shop, EvilSquirrel! He was chosen using a complex system created by the Things consisting of checking off Sparky attributes (he had the most, maybe?). He also received bonus points for stealing a picture from my blog to make his own award and for his awesome Bond-ish squirrel drawing. Of course all our contestants did an outstanding job and it was still really hard to choose. Thanks so much for entering, my awesome peeps!
THIS. He gets . . . THIS! And a sticker!
But it seems like there should be something more . . . a second prize, which in keeping with Wonderland tradition will be greater than the first prize. And here it is . . . stickers of my two blog defenders, Sad Pony and Squirrel! These fab pictures of my dynamic duo were created by Goldfish, whose store I will once again promote – she has Halloween stuff there now, guys! Cute freaking ghosties!
Sad Pony and Squirrel!
The second place winner is djmatticus, narrowly edging out the others based on bonus points for sheer unadulterated enthusiasm. Congrats! If the winners will email me their addresses, I will send out their prizes ASAP! Thanks again all of you for playing along and for being awesome and very unsparkiesh followers.
The Real Alice (accept no substitutes)
Wait, this is the prize? What kind of a contest IS this?
Spam!
I have learned a lot posing as a squirrel on Facebook. Yes, I’m still there. Or rather, Squirrel is still there. Possessed by a sugar rush, one day Squirrel went around “friending” all sorts of weird stuff. Like the company that makes Spam. So we get posts from them. Lots of posts. It’s far out. One thing I can say – these people are really passionate about their work. They even made a museum for Spam.
No I’m not kidding. Even worse, they have a mascot. I can prove it. (Click to Enlarge Pictures)
the horror . . . the horror
I just have to ask – why? Why do we need a Spam museum? What could they possibly have there? Please say they do not have historical pieces of Spam on display. That could get pretty nasty. Maybe there’s towers of spam containers. It’d be like shopping at Costco, except the only product would be . . . Spam. Sounds exciting, doesn’t it? Or even . . . mouthwatering?
I totally have to go to Minnesota now, you guyz.
But wait, there’s more. On World Photography Day (yeah that’s a thing too) Spam asked people to share pictures of their Spam.
Aw, look, a Spam!
Sooo like people take pictures of their Spam? Do they pose the Spam certain ways? Do they keep photo albums filled with only Spam photos? If you have dumped out the photos of your children and replaced them with photos of Spam, you might have a problem. Seek help immediately.
Would you like to show everybody you are a freaked out maniac Spam enthusiast? Do you have no fashion sense? Well, Spam has just the thing for you! Check it out. Spam Hats.
I can see so many uses for this.
To keep things hip and interesting, Spam offers contests to win – you guessed it -more Spam and Spam products! In this one, you just had to email your favorite Spam memory to the folks at Spam Central or wherever for a chance to win this lovely gift basket o’ Spam. You’ll notice Squirrel offered up his own memory. Sadly, it was not a winning one. Ah, well.
I have to wonder – what is the grater for? Do we grate spam now? On the grill?
So I get these sorts of Spam posts all the time on Facebook. But that’s not all. I get Spam other places as well, like say this blog. Okay, it’s not the sort of Spam you eat, or at least I wouldn’t advise it. You really don’t know where this spam has been. I’ve noticed lately that the usually excellent spam filter on WordPress has not been working as well. Stuff is slipping through the old grater. Either that or our spammers have gotten more clever. Check out some of the comments that made it through to my blog.
Written by the cleverly disguised blogger “Site”: I am really glad to read this weblog posts which includes tons of valuable facts, thanks for providing such data.”
Quite the compliment, Site, but I’m a wee bit suspicious considering you got these valuable facts from one of my 50 Shades of Grey reviews.
Next up is “Raspberry Ketones Ultra” (how do they come up with these totally realistic blogger names? I dunno!):
“My relatives every time say that I am wasting my time here at web, but I know I am getting familiarity every day by reading thes pleasant content.”
Yeah, sorry, but I’m afraid your relatives might be right.
And finally . . . “accountant bendigo” has this to say: “Hi there, I want to subscribe for this webpage to take hottest updates,
therefore where can i do it please assist.”
This comment was in response to a post I wrote with Merbear entitled “Alice and Merbear’s State of the Hoo-Ha Address.” I think accountant bendigo is a pervert. I might have to invite him over sometime.
Okay, well, that’s more than enough spam for one day. Let’s see what’s for dinner . . . oh, man.
Spam DONUTS? Why? Just – whyyyyy?
aliceatwonderland 