Tag Archives: Star Wars

More Christmas Ideas Disney Style!

Christmas is almost here (again) and I know you guys want to do better than last year when at the last minute you gave everyone corn dogs from 7-11.  So I’ve compiled another list of Christmas toys to make your shopping easier.  I even got them all from one store, the most wholesome, magical one on earth – the Disney Store!  Maybe these toys aren’t the best – I mean it’s hard to beat hammers, tacks, and whips that crack – but here goes.

1. Yoda Tracheotomy

Quit, Chewie, the Heimlich!

Quick, Chewie, the Heimlich!

Poor Yoda.  This is what happens when you steal lights from people and try to eat them.  You didn’t have to go that far to convince Luke you were nuts.  I’m not sure the purpose of this toy.  I mean, you can have a flashlight, or you can have a yoda doll . . . the reason for combining the two is lost on me.  Use the force, shove stuff down your throat . . . yeah I’m not getting it.  Oh and remember, this is sold by the Disney Store who has shockingly already capitalized on their recent acquisition bwahahahahaha.

2. Frozen Brain Storage

Anna wasn't using those brains anyway.

Anna wasn’t using those brains anyway.

I’ve seen these little purse things around for a while, and I’ve never understood them.  I mean, sure, they’re cute and all until you realize you are shoving your change into an empty doll skull – or possibly a completely disemboweled doll in this case, I’m not for sure.  She looks so blindly happy about it, despite having no brains or nose.  Also there’s a strange flap of skin on the left side of her face. Is that an ear?  Part of her hair?  I’m not sure, but Disney, really, remember these are kids here!

3. Decaying flesh pins

This is what you want to wear to that formal dinner party.

This is what you want to wear to that formal dinner party.

That’s right!  When you think evil, creepy Sith Lord, you obviously ask yourself – hey, how can I wear that guy on my shirt?  Well, Disney, once again, has the answer for you.  It’s the Emperor Palpatine pin!  Put it on your Star Wars tie and watch the chicks line up!  And vomit.  But wait, there’s more!

What a charming face!

What a charming face!

I’m not sure which of these guys would win the ugly award, so why not just wear them both and let others decide by number of people running away from you and / or asking for your number at a comic convention.

4. Pound of hairy flesh

What happens when Chewbacca has a wax done.

What happens when Chewbacca has a wax done.

Keeping with the fleshy organ removal theme, here is yet another Star Wars offering.  A Chewbacca journal!  If you’ll remember, Chewbacca is that walking carpet that randomly makes howly noises in the movies.  I bet he made a really loud howly noise when his hair was ripped off of him and for what?  A journal cover?  Are you happy, children?  Well, ARE YOU?

5. Frozen Radioactive Girl

When Elsa lets it go, try to wear a lead apron.

When Elsa lets it go, try to wear a lead apron.

Here’s the very popular Elsa singing doll, singing the well known “It’s all about the base”.  Or possibly it’s all about the arms, since by the looks of it, she has dipped her arms in some sort of nuclear waste and is now glowing.  I remember the part where she sings, but I fail to remember the part where her arms start glowing in the dark.  I guess Disney thought it’d be a nice touch.  Anna also glows – in the chest area, which is more concerning.  Adding to the fun, they are motion activated, so walk past one and this happens.  I think these two better head to the nearest Arendale hospital STAT.

6. Ozzie and Harriet PJs

The plaid, the plaid . . .

The plaid, the plaid . . .

You know what they say, the family that wears matching Mickey Mouse PJs together . . . is freaking weird.  I predict at least one of these kids is growing up to be an ax murderer.  Oh, sure, some people think it’s cute for everyone to match, and I mean everyone, even Dad isn’t spared.  And this is for bedtime, not a one-time only picture.  On the plus side, I guess they don’t have to wear it out of the house, but they do have to wear it every night.  Every single night.  One day those manically happy parents will regret it when they wake up to a little voice saying “NO MORE MICKEY . . .”

7. Snowman Stalkers

Move over elf, there's a new stalker in town.

Move over elf, there’s a new stalker in town.

You know how the Elf on the Shelf has been terrifying kids for years with his ever watchful beady little eyes?  Well, guess what?  Frozen is cashing in on that psychological torture with a stalking snowman!  I don’t know about you, but I think the snowman scares me even more than the elf, what with him offering “warm hugs”, then hiding and peeping at you and reporting back to – Santa?  Or the snow queen herself?  We’re in big trouble guys.  Say your prayers or someone gets frozen tonight.

Imagine this guy watching your every move.

Imagine this guy watching your every move.

8. Castle Freaking-Kidding-Me

What a bargain!

What a bargain!

Okay, enough of the gross, let’s move onto the beautiful.  And this actual castle, located in London, England would certainly make a nice summer home . . . wait, what?  It’s . . . a 20 inch sculpture?  As in no one can live in it, not even a Cinderella doll, but it costs 37,500 dollars????  That’s more than my first house.  WTF.  Oh, but hey, it’s got 28,255 Swarovski® crystals.  Less than 3 weeks till Christmas, start saving now!  Limited edition of 50 people they think might actually buy this!

9. Pile O’ Severed Heads

Bring out yer heads . . .

Off with their heads!

Something dreadful has happened in a little cottage deep in the wood.  We never knew the Evil Queen had it in her, but word from the forest animals is she was passing by not long before this grisly scene was discovered.  That’s right – Snow White and all seven dwarves, heads sliced from their bodies!  Not sure what the queen did with their bodies.  Maybe she put Snow’s on display for the heck of it.  Good luck, Prince Charming.

10. Nightmare on Sesame Street

Sure it says Olaf . . .

(muffled) Hellllp Meeeee.

I know it looks like I’m picking yet another Frozen toy, but look closer.  It’s supposed to be the snowman, mouth removed and straw stuck in his brain.  Yet I think he looks an awful lot like this guy:

Bert from Sesame Street!

Bert from Sesame Street!

The resemblance is just too uncanny.  You’ll notice Bert looks very concerned about this latest development.  I bet Ernie was behind it.  Imagine, your best buddy, chopping your head at the mouth and sucking your brain out through a straw.  I think I’d want a little time apart after that one.

Okay, so there’s 10 fabulous gifts you can get for your little monsters this Christmas.  No, don’t thank me.  Thank the mouse.  That . . . freaking . . . . mouse.  Look out it’s little Timmy!

May the Farts be With You

Because we are both geeky AND mature, the girls and I decided it would be fun to add the word “fart” to many popular Star Wars quotes.  We think it went well.

Obi Wan: I have a bad feeling about this Qui Gon: I don't smell anything.

Obi Wan: I have a bad feeling about this
Qui Gon: I don’t smell anything.

Jar-Jar: Oh, no meesa didn't poot that time!

Jar-Jar: Oh, no meesa didn’t poot that time!

His gaseous levels are off the charts!

His gaseous levels are off the charts!

Anakin: Heh, I left a ripe one in the Jedi chamber!

Anakin: Heh, I left a ripe one in the Jedi chamber!

Obi Won: Anakin, you farted again. Anakin: I'm sorry, Master.

Obi Wan: Anakin, you farted again.
Anakin: I’m sorry, Master.

Anakin: I farted Padme: Hee hee, me too!

Anakin: I farted
Padme: Hee hee, me too!

Anakin, you're breaking the wind . . .

Anakin, you’re breaking the wind . . .

Obi Wan: Anakin you were the chosen . . . one . . oh, pew, even NOW?

Obi Wan: Anakin you were the chosen . . . one . . oh, p-u, even NOW?

Leia: I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board Tarkin: It wasn't me.

Leia: I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board
Tarkin: It wasn’t me.
Vadar: (hums)

Obi Wan: Use the farts, Luke

Obi Wan: Use the farts, Luke

Leia: Will someone get this farting carpet out of my way?

Leia: Will someone get this farting carpet out of my way?

You must feeeel the farts inside you.

You must feeeel the farts inside you.

Threepio: I am familiar with over 6 million forms of communication R2-D2: farrrrrt Threepio: Not that one.

C-3PO: I am familiar with over 6 million forms of communication
R2-D2: farrrrrt
C-3PO: Not that one.

Burrito is mine, or I help you not.

Burrito is mine, or I help you not.

Yoda: Burritos lead to gas, gas leads to farts, farts lead to sufferinnnnng

Yoda: Burritos lead to gas, gas leads to farts, farts lead to sufferinnnnng

Leia: I farted Han: I know.

Leia: I farted
Han: I know.

Vader: I have altered your meal plan . . . poooooooot . . . pray I don't alter it any further. Lando: My gas is getting worse all the time!

Vader: I have altered your meal plan . . . poooooooot . . . pray I don’t alter it any further.
Lando: My gas is getting worse all the time!

Vader: Search your insides, you know it to be true . . . blarrrrttttt Luke: Nooooooo!

Vader: Search your insides, you know it to be true . . . blarrrrttttt
Luke: Nooooooo!

Emperor: Oh, I'm afraid my digestive system is fully operational . . . blarrrrrt

Emperor: Oh, I’m afraid my digestive system is fully operational . . . blarrrrrt

Felt a disturbance in the Force, I did.  Wait - that was me.

Felt a disturbance in the Force, I did. Wait – that was me.

Got any stinky quotes of your own?

A Very Merry Interview with a Stormtrooper

Great news, sparkleponies!  The other day, I managed to corner Blunt Life Coach and score an interview!  If you don’t know who Blunt Life Coach (BLC) is, you need to check out twindaddy’s blog.  He’s just awesome is all, and, well, we sort of have like this romance going on with our alternate personalities.  But I don’t want to give away too much.  On with the interview!

image photoshopped esp for you by twindaddy

image photoshopped esp for you by twindaddy

Alice: So, BLC, how long have you been hangin’ out in TD’s body?

BLC: Too long. I can’t tell you for sure, because the mind blocks out tragedies for self-preservation purposes, but I started becoming very aware in the past year and asserting more of myself over that lame piece of shit.

Alice: Why do you think TD is lame? I think he’s nice.

BLC: He’s a pussy. He let’s people walk all over him. And he…loves people. Fuck that.

Alice: Ah, good point. People are highly overrated. How do you handle being the hotter half of TD?

BLC: With grace and dignity. Plus, he’s a loser so I don’t have to worry about it.

Alice: Because you are hot.

BLC: You’re being weird again. What’s wrong with you?

Alice: I’m mad, why do you ask? Moving on. What do you do while you are actively controlling TD’s body?

BLC: Insult inferior people, which is almost everybody. It’s why I took up an advice column. With great intelligence comes great responsibility. I feel it is my duty to try to educate idiots.

Alice: And you do it so well. Could you educate me?

BLC: You’re mad, I don’t think there’s any hope for you.

Alice: Sure there is. I might need discipline. Got a paddle?

BLC: I have a blaster. And it’s not set on stun.  Hint, hint.

Alice: Oooh, that’s an impressive blaster there. Where do you get all your cool storm trooper gear?

BLC: It’s standard issue. Is there a more competent interrogator somewhere? These questions suck.

Alice: Oh, I thought it was Pier One. Nevermind! What date would you like to set the wedding? Does Darth Vadar officiate for weddings?

BLC: *waves hand* This isn’t the trooper you’re looking for.

Alice: Hmm, you’re right, Wonderland would be a better choice of venue. The Queen of Hearts could do the honors. Watch out for you head. Oh – the interview. Um, do you have any family BLC?

BLC: Wonder what? No, I don’t have family. I’m a personality trapped in a fool’s body. How would I have a family.

Alice: He might have a family of voices in his head. It could happen. Don’t you worry, though, we’ll have lots of babies. At least a dozen.

BLC: Twindaddy is finished having children, and this is one thing we agree on. Besides, I’m in HIS body and don’t forget you’d have to do….that.  Wait. Why am I even discussing this? Go away. You’re a freak.

Alice: Why, thank you! I guess that’s all the questions I have for today. Except – when are you going to post another advice column? There are so many stupid people out there. They need your help.

BLC: Every time I try Twindaddy gets drunk and I lose my focus. The little fucker is getting adept at thwarting me again.

Alice: Well, keep at it, trooper. The world needs you.

BLC: Whoa. You’re being…not freaky. I’m not sure how to respond to that.

At this point, BLC made a break for it.  I will catch him later.  Mwah!  Anyway, let’s hope he comes back to stuphblog soon.  You have questions?  He’ll have answers.  If he ever stops running.

Stormtrooper in Wonderland – Part 2

Today guest blogger  twindaddy of the Unshitty™ Stuphblog continues the story of an unfortunate storm trooper lost in Wonderland.  In case you missed it, click here for Part One.
. . . And now the stunning conclusion to a Stormtrooper in Wonderland!

I stepped through the doorway and into another world. Or at least, it seemed like another world. I was in the back of what appeared to be a rather large courtroom. At the head of this room was a very large woman wearing a crown and a red and black ensemble. Before her at a small podium was a small, blonde-haired girl wearing a blue dress with a white apron. Surrounding the entire courtroom were large rectangular cards. Some sort of playing card I’ve never encountered before. They all had arms and legs protruding from their corners, and each card held a spade-shaped mêlée weapon in its right hand. I found it a very odd thing to make a statue of, let alone surround an entire courtroom with. Very odd, indeed.

I turned my attention back to the queen. Well, I assumed she was a queen since she was wearing a crown. For all I know judges might wear crowns on this planet. I should be expecting the unexpected since I seem to be able to free fall some ungodly distance without breaking anything, or worse, dying.

The queen (I’ll keep referring to her as such until proven otherwise) was rubbing her hands together as a humorless grin spread across her repugnant face. She slowly leaned forward, towards the little blonde girl, and mockingly asked, “Now what were you saying, dear?”

As she spoke the most mysterious thing happened. An animal materialized out of thin air atop the queen’s head. In fact, it was sitting in the queen’s crown. How the queen did not feel the additional weight of this creature was beyond me, but she remained oblivious nonetheless. The creature was some sort of feline animal, it’s fur alternating stripes of purple and pink with a violet mane. Its eyes consisted of yellow scleras and black pupils, indicating, to me anyhow, the creature was quite mad. This was almost too much to handle. No creature that small has a cloaking device!

As the the queen spoke a mischievous grin permeated the creature’s face. When the queen was finished with her question, the creature spoke. “Why she simply said that you’re a fat, pompous, bad-tempered, old tyrant!”

The creature threw its head back in maniacal laughter as it vanished from sight. Unfathomable.

Every inch of the queen’s skin flushed red with anger. She madly waved her fists through the air and exclaimed, “Off with her head!”

The playing cards, which I had assumed were statues, sprang into motion. They converged on the poor little girl from all directions. The little girl wasted no time vacating the podium and running towards the back of the courtroom. Towards me.

Great.

I readied my blaster as the little girl closed in on me.

“Help! Help!” she cried to no one in particular.

I wasn’t sure who to help in this case. Obviously the queen, if that’s indeed what she was, was in some position of authority here. The little girl, however, seemed so innocent and was obviously too young to be beheaded. At least, in my estimation she was, but I’ve seen more heinous deeds committed throughout the galaxy at the whim of the Emperor.

The little girl finally noticed I was standing there and headed straight for me. She continued crying for help as she ran by and hid behind me. She stuck her head out from behind me and asked me to help her.

“Please, sir, you must help me!” she pleaded.

I turned and regarded her. The little girl couldn’t have been more than 7 or 8 standard years old. How anyone could order a child so young to death bewildered me.

“What have you done?” I asked her. “What is your crime?”

“All I did was tell the queen how ridiculous this whole proceeding was. Please, sir, you must help me!”

“What is your name?” I inquired.

“My name is Alice, sir,” she answered, frightened. “Will you please help me?”

“How old are you, Alice?”

“Seven and a half, sir. Please save me.”

The fear in this child overwhelmed me and I knew I could not deny her. She was so innocent. So young. So naive. No creature so young should be put to death under any circumstances. “Okay,” I conceded. “I’ll help you.”

I turned to face the horde of cards that had been chasing her only to find a completely different scene than I had expected. I was surrounded by cards menacingly holding their spade-shaped weapons at the ready. In front of them all, however, stood the queen, her skin now a deep shade of crimson. I could almost see smoke escaping her ears as she fumed. I brought my blaster carbine to my chest and gripped it tight with both hands, ready for action.

“Who are you?” she demanded.

“I am Drun Kenman, trooper for the Empire. You will not bring harm to this child,” I boldly proclaimed. At least, I hope that’s what I did. I was honestly a little intimidated. I mean, I am an Imperial stormtrooper and, a highly trained one at that, but I was seriously outnumbered here.

The queen calmed down noticeably. Her breathing slowed down and a regal grin overthrew her angry frown. “Is that so?” she asked as if she were amused by my statement.

“That is so, queen,” I placed highly sarcastic emphasis on the word ‘queen’ to ensure she knew that her perceived authority over me was just that. Perceived. I had a feeling my response would not be well-received, and I was prepared for that eventuality.

The queen threw her head back violently and began angrily screaming. “Off with his…”

That was quite enough. It was the response I expected and I wasn’t prepared to tolerate the disrespect she was showing an Imperial trooper. Local monarchs are not above Imperial law, and according to the Emperor, should be shown no mercy when they disrespect the Empire. So I quickly snapped my blaster carbine up and pulled the trigger before the queen could finish her cry for my head.

The blaster bolt struck her in the jaw, snapping her head back and knocking her off of her feet. She landed loudly on her back. The ground even tremored a bit when she landed. Ha! That shut her up!

The collective gasp which escaped the mouths of all of the cards when I blasted her was deafening. It was obvious that nobody had ever defied this queen and they weren’t sure how to respond. Either that, or they were totally intimidated with how fearsome I am. It must be the armor, I decided.

A puny elderly man emerged from beyond the sea of cards. He was attired much like the queen, and wore a crown identical to hers. His jaw fell slack when he saw my handiwork. As his gaze slowly turned from his deceased wife to me, anger consumed him just as slowly. Soon, he was furious. I’m not quite sure why. He should be relieved that he didn’t have to be married to that cur any longer.

He stared at me. He stared some more. Then, he kept staring at me. The total lack of anything else happening was beginning to make me feel uncomfortable. As he stared continuously at me, his face began turning different shades of red, each darker than the last.

I was just about to turn and leave with Alice when the king (at least, I’m assuming that’s who he was) finally spoke. “What are you waiting for?” he said to seemingly no one in particular. “The queen said off with his head so off with his…”

I’d had enough of this place. First the queen, now the king. Why does everybody want to take my head off? I wasn’t going to let the king finish ordering my death, either, so I blasted him as well. As the king was mid-sentence, I again snapped my carbine into position and squeezed the trigger. Pure crimson energy spewed from the muzzle of my carbine and then percussed the king in the abdomen. He crumpled silently to the ground, his cry for my head effectively ended.

I decided a tactical retreat was in order seeing as how I was still insurmountably outnumbered. Sure, I’d lopped off the head (for you slower folks, that’s the king and queen), but the body was still functioning and lethal. And surely the head would grow back (that means somebody else will assume control of them; try to keep up). I spun 180 degrees, prepared to grab Alice and exit through the door which had delivered me into this catastrophic situation, but it was gone. The door was gone. Where the hell did it go? There was nothing there but an empty wall now.

I turned back to face my attackers. They had finally mobilized and were marching towards me. They came at me in three single-file lines. Not a brilliant tactical maneuver if I say so myself. I brought my trusty blaster carbine up in both hands and began squeezing the trigger rapidly.

Three shots later, I had hit the lead card in each line. Each card fell backward when it was hit. The cards were so close together that when the lead card in each row fell backward it tumbled into the card behind it, therefore knocking it over. The cycle repeated itself over and over. In essence, I just played dominoes with my blaster. If the situation weren’t so dire I might have laughed at these strange happenings.

Now that I was out of immediate danger, I began frantically searching the courtroom for some other way out. A glance to the left yielded no results. There was only a solid wall there. A glance in front of me was useless, as that’s where literally dozen of cards were sprawled out on the floor, some of them already beginning to get back to their feet. I glanced to the right and saw a passage in the wall. It was my only hope.

I grabbed Alice by the hand and began sprinting for the passage. I entered a hallway with green walls which abruptly turned 90 degrees to the left only a few meters in. I made the turn and continued to run with Alice’s hand enclosed in mine. We came to another turn in the hallway. This one was a 90 degree turn to the right. I took the turn and finally began to sense something was amiss. There were no doors in these hallways. No other openings. No windows. Nothing but turns.

I heard a cacophony of voices behind me. Without breaking stride, but slowing down enough so that I wouldn’t fall over, I risked a glance behind me. The cards were after us. And worse, there were catching up. I could only run as fast as poor little Alice could as she was so little that her legs couldn’t keep up with mine.

We came to another turn. This was a u-shaped turn. As we were taking the turn, Alice spoke through her heavy breaths. “It’s a maze! We’re in a maze.”

She was right. I had realized it a few seconds ago, but hadn’t admitted it to myself yet. Still, we had no choice but to keep running, so we did. We took several more turns. Left turns. Right turns. U-turns. Each turn brought the cards closer to catching us. Then we came to a dead-end. No more turns. Nowhere to run.

I let go of Alice’s hand and turned to face the coming horde of cards. Alice started beating on the walls and began desperately screaming for help. The cards were still some distance away and it would be a minute or so before they caught up, but they were coming. I could hear them. And then, I could see them.

Suddenly I heard a haunting voice. The same haunting voice I had heard when I initially fell in the cave. “Looking for a way out?” it asked.

I turned and the door was there. The knob was intact and there was no indication that I had ever shot it with my blaster.

“Yes!” Alice answered before I could. “Yes! Let us out!”

“And why should I do that when I was treated so rudely before?” it asked with an arched eye directed at me.

“What does he mean?” Alice asked, looking in my direction.

I looked at her and shook my head. “I’ll tell you later.”

I then turned my attention to the door. “If you don’t I’ll blast you again.” I hoped that sounded as threatening as I thought it did, but I was becoming rather desperate and it’s hard to intimidate anyone (or anything in this case) once desperation sets in.

The door laughed. I’ve endured some pretty humiliating things in my life before, but having a door laugh at me, especially right after having threatened it, was now at the top of that list.

“Trooper of the Empire, huh? You’re already out there.” it said.

Not only was I humiliated, but I was now confused as well. “What do you mean, ‘I’m already out there?’”

“Have a look,” it said. Then, it’s mouth (the keyhole if you’ll remember) opened wide. I cautiously peered through the mouth and saw myself sitting, propped up against that fat tree on Dantooine, sleeping. My helmet and blaster carbine lay beside me on the grassy plain as my chest plate gently rose and fell with each breath.

“Oh, for the love of… You mean I’m dreaming?” I asked as I backed away from the door.

“You’re dreaming? What does that mean for me?” Alice asked.

“It means you’re not real and if I want to get out of here I need to wake myself up. And the only way I know of to do that in a dream is to die.”

“Die?” the little girl asked, disbelieving.

“Yes, die. This is a dream, so I’m going to shoot myself, but before I do…”

I shot the door. Again. Pompous door. Don’t ever humiliate a stormtrooper. Even in his dreams. Man that felt good.

Then, knowing that I was dreaming, I turned and started unloading my blaster carbine on the approaching cards. I made a game of it. I was having a blast. Pun intended.

“Ha ha! Take that! Another one bites the dust! Oh, that’s gotta hurt!” I was having all sorts of fun.

Eventually the cards made it to me. They still ridiculously outnumbered me and the amount of shots I could fire. At that point, when I was overcome and about to be captured, I turned my blaster carbine on myself and pulled the trigger.

—————————————————————————————————————-

Darkness. Everything was dark. As I came to my senses, I realized that my eyes were closed. No wonder it’s dark. Light was beating down on my eyelids and some of it permeated through. I opened my eyes and brought my hands up to shield the blinding light from my sensitive eyes.

It took a handful of seconds, but my eyes eventually adjusted. I was right where I had seen myself in my dream just a few minutes ago: sitting on the ground propped up against the tree. I looked down to my left and saw my helmet and blaster just where they had been in my dream too.

Then, voices sprang from my comlink. “SB1977. Come in, SB1977.” It was my captain.

I lazily plucked my comlink from my utility belt. “SB1977 here,” I answered

“Any sign of the rebel base?” he queried.

“Uh,no, sir. I’ve searched my entire sector and there are no rebels here…”

Stormtrooper in Wonderland – Part 1

Hello, all.  Today I’ve got a guest blogger from a galaxy far, far away.  You can find him these days on Stuphblog.  His name is Twindaddy, and he is the best storm trooper blogger I have ever met.  This guy has blogged under some extreme conditions, but today he’s gone somewhere no trooper has gone before – Wonderland.  He has written an awesome short story that will be featured in two parts.  Part Two will appear here on Saturday.

When you’re done here, be sure to check out his awesome blog – there’s a lot of cool stuph™ to be found!  Without further ado, I give you a Storm Trooper in Wonderland . . .

“Dantooine. They’re on Dantooine.”

―Leia Organa

Dantooine.  I’d never heard of this planet before.  Yet here I am on this desolate world.  There is allegedly a rebel base located on this world according to ISB.  And that’s why we’re here.  To find this base.

Let’s be honest, there’s no rebel base here.  If there were they would have fled the planet as soon as we arrived in system.  The rebels always run and hide.  Always.  They wouldn’t hunker down and wait for us to find them.  They’re scared of us, as well they should be.  What an epic waste of time this is.

The world seems pleasant enough, though.  Dantooine is a terrestrial world filled with grassy plains, winding rivers, and beautiful lakes.  This even seems like a pleasant enough world to take a vacation on.  You know, if we stormtroopers were actually allowed to have vacations.  Sometimes I think they see us as machines.  Like droids.  We’re human, though.  As human as we can be after all that training.

This is my view from my HUD. Pretty, huh?

It’s just after sunrise here.  The local sun, Dina, has just crested over the eastern horizon, illuminating the dark-colored clouds in the sky and casting long shadows behind every object.

I have no idea what part of the planet I’m on.  My commander just deployed me here via shuttle and ordered me to search for the secret base.  I’m sure it’s out here in plain view for me to find.  That was sarcasm if you couldn’t tell.  Why are my commanders always so incompetent?

I began walking towards the tree ahead of me with the unusually large trunk when I heard a voice.  An odd voice.  It was a high-pitched voice, yet raspy at the same time.  I froze and concentrated on the voice and tried to make out what it was saying.  The voice progressively grew louder until I could clearly understand the spoken words.

“I’m late!  I’m late!” the squeaky voice exclaimed as a weird creature came scurrying from behind me.  I was startled, but managed not to jump out of my armor, because I’m just that good.

I studied the creature that had just ran right by me:  an extremely small creature, with short white fur, and two long ears protruding from its tiny head.  It was carrying some sort of chronometer in its hand and was attired in the oddest ensemble.  It had some sort of red jacket overtop a dark yellow shirt.  It was wearing grey pants with a white fluffy ball sticking out of its rear-end.  Weird.  And no shoes whatsoever.  To say the least, I was mildly intrigued.

I was able to pull this holograph from my HUD.

Curious, I followed the creature.  As I was completely sure there were no rebels on this seemingly uninhabited planet, this might turn out to be the most interesting thing I see while I’m here.  I figured I may as well see where it leads me.  I had to maintain a brisk jog to keep pace with this creature, but that was no problem for me.  As a warrior for the Empire, I’m in excellent physical shape.  The creature passed by the fat tree and turned toward the rocky outcropping to the left.  What it was heading for I did not know, yet I felt compelled to follow it.

After jogging behind it for a few hundred more meters along this rocking outcropping, it became clear that we were heading for a cave embedded into the outcropping up ahead.  The creature never slowed or quickened its pace, but kept saying it was late over and over again.  It also seemed oblivious to the fact that I was following it.

When it reached the cave it entered without hesitation.  My curiosity now piqued, I followed carelessly through the cave’s entrance.

Big mistake.  Big mistake indeed.

Just a few steps inside this dark cavern the floor disappeared.  Maybe it was never there to begin with, but it certainly looked like the rocky ground was still there when I attempted my next step.  Before I knew it or was ready for it, I was free-falling.

How stupid of me.  I can’t believe I was so heedless as to just run right into an unknown situation.  I know better.  I was trained to avoid just this situation.  Caution, caution, caution!  I can’t believe I did this.  I’m going to die because I’m stupid.

While all of this was going through my head, I failed to notice that I hadn’t found the bottom of this pit yet.  When that stark realization snapped me back to reality, I looked down and saw the last thing I expected to see at the bottom of this cave I was plunging through.

A lit, finished floor.

Unbelievably, the closer I got to the floor below, the slower my descent became.  I eventually landed gently on my feet, like a feather landing gracefully on the ground.  All I could think was, “Whoa, that was weird.”

I slowly took stock of my situation.  I still had my armor and I still had my blaster.  I checked my utility belt and found what I hoped was still there.  My comlink.  I yanked it from my belt and began to speak into it.

“SB1977 to command.  Do you read me over?”  No response.  I tried a couple more times to reach my commander, but to no avail.  I brought the comlink up to try a fourth time when I heard a disturbingly sinister laugh echoing from somewhere beyond the edge of the light.

“That won’t work in here,” a haunting voice said.

Another image from my HUD. I figured if I didn’t capture these images no one would believe me.

I quickly brought my blaster up in both hands, ready to fire on any threat to my safety.  “Who goes there?” I loudly asked.

Suddenly the edge of the light extended off to my right, illuminating a green door stuck between open, red curtains.  The door had a golden knob on its right side with eyes above the knob and a keyhole doubling as a mouth below it.  The knob seemed to be the nose of the most bizarre creature I had ever seen before.

I walked toward the door.  Instead of the door growing larger as I approached, it actually became smaller.  The knob’s eyes seemed to be following me as I moved toward it.

“Did you say something to me?” I asked it.  Then, the absurd realization of what I had just done hit me like the shockwave from a thermal detonator blast.  I just spoke to a kriffing door.  Great, Drun.  Just great.  What will you do for your next trick?

The knob seemed to regard me, then its mouth began moving.  “I said, ‘That won’t work in here.'”

I was so shocked and taken aback that I nearly soiled myself.  A doorknob had just spoken to me.  What is going on here?

“If you want to get through, you’ll have to use that key,” it continued, gesturing to its right (my left) with its creepy eyes.

I followed its gaze to my left and saw a table sitting there.  On the table sat three items:  a white cake, a blue bottle, and a golden key.

I looked back to the door.  “How do I get through?”

It smirked.  The door actually smirked.  This is insane.  “That’s for you to figure out,” it told me.

I raised my blaster and carefully aimed it at the door knob.  “Look, whatever you are, I am a trooper for the Empire and you will tell me what I need to know or I’ll blast you!”

“Oh, that’s not how this…”

I had enough.  That was all the knob could spit out before I angrily pulled the trigger and forever silenced it.  As an added bonus, the door flew open.  The doorway, however was too small for me to fit through.  I walked over to the table and inspected the items it held.  The key was now useless, so I ignored it.  The bottle had a label on it that said “drink me.”  Next to it was a cake that had “eat me” written into the frosting.  After a short, juvenile chuckle at having just read the words “eat me” emblazoned on a cake, I decided to take a bite of the cake.  I removed my helmet and took a small bite of the white cake.

A most puzzling thing then happened.  Everything suddenly began to shrink.  Then, I realized that it was me who was getting larger and not everything else getting smaller.  Sithspit! What is going on?

My head hit the ceiling.  Wait, there’s a ceiling in here?  How did I get in here if there’s a ceiling? Smacking my head against the ceiling didn’t hurt, but it wasn’t exactly a gentle bump, either.  Luckily, I stopped growing once my head hit the ceiling or else things would have become even more unpleasant.

The cake was an utter failure, so I decided to try the bottle.  I figured that if the cake made me bigger, then hopefully the bottle would make my smaller.  I lifted the now miniscule bottle up to my waiting mouth, which was no easy task considering the bottle was about the size of one of my fingernails now, and dumped its contents into my biggest orifice.  My mouth.

Very quickly, everything became huge as I shrunk to the size of the door in what seemed like a heartbeat.  It wasn’t gradual like eating the cake had been. I looked all around.  Everything was huge now, except for the door, which was now just the right size.  I took a step toward the door only to have my foot bang into some inanimate object I hadn’t noticed was there.  I looked down and saw my helmet lying there in front of me.  Somehow, it had shrunk, too.  Not daring to question my good fortune in that regard, I picked it up and placed it back over my precious skull.  Well, it’s precious to me, anyhow.

With no other reason to stay, I continued through the door, completely unprepared for what lay on the other side.

. . . Stay tuned Saturday for the exciting conclusion!