Christmas is almost here (again) and I know you guys want to do better than last year when at the last minute you gave everyone corn dogs from 7-11. So I’ve compiled another list of Christmas toys to make your shopping easier. I even got them all from one store, the most wholesome, magical one on earth – the Disney Store! Maybe these toys aren’t the best – I mean it’s hard to beat hammers, tacks, and whips that crack – but here goes.
1. Yoda Tracheotomy
Poor Yoda. This is what happens when you steal lights from people and try to eat them. You didn’t have to go that far to convince Luke you were nuts. I’m not sure the purpose of this toy. I mean, you can have a flashlight, or you can have a yoda doll . . . the reason for combining the two is lost on me. Use the force, shove stuff down your throat . . . yeah I’m not getting it. Oh and remember, this is sold by the Disney Store who has shockingly already capitalized on their recent acquisition bwahahahahaha.
2. Frozen Brain Storage
I’ve seen these little purse things around for a while, and I’ve never understood them. I mean, sure, they’re cute and all until you realize you are shoving your change into an empty doll skull – or possibly a completely disemboweled doll in this case, I’m not for sure. She looks so blindly happy about it, despite having no brains or nose. Also there’s a strange flap of skin on the left side of her face. Is that an ear? Part of her hair? I’m not sure, but Disney, really, remember these are kids here!
3. Decaying flesh pins
That’s right! When you think evil, creepy Sith Lord, you obviously ask yourself – hey, how can I wear that guy on my shirt? Well, Disney, once again, has the answer for you. It’s the Emperor Palpatine pin! Put it on your Star Wars tie and watch the chicks line up! And vomit. But wait, there’s more!
I’m not sure which of these guys would win the ugly award, so why not just wear them both and let others decide by number of people running away from you and / or asking for your number at a comic convention.
4. Pound of hairy flesh
Keeping with the fleshy organ removal theme, here is yet another Star Wars offering. A Chewbacca journal! If you’ll remember, Chewbacca is that walking carpet that randomly makes howly noises in the movies. I bet he made a really loud howly noise when his hair was ripped off of him and for what? A journal cover? Are you happy, children? Well, ARE YOU?
5. Frozen Radioactive Girl
Here’s the very popular Elsa singing doll, singing the well known “It’s all about the base”. Or possibly it’s all about the arms, since by the looks of it, she has dipped her arms in some sort of nuclear waste and is now glowing. I remember the part where she sings, but I fail to remember the part where her arms start glowing in the dark. I guess Disney thought it’d be a nice touch. Anna also glows – in the chest area, which is more concerning. Adding to the fun, they are motion activated, so walk past one and this happens. I think these two better head to the nearest Arendale hospital STAT.
6. Ozzie and Harriet PJs
You know what they say, the family that wears matching Mickey Mouse PJs together . . . is freaking weird. I predict at least one of these kids is growing up to be an ax murderer. Oh, sure, some people think it’s cute for everyone to match, and I mean everyone, even Dad isn’t spared. And this is for bedtime, not a one-time only picture. On the plus side, I guess they don’t have to wear it out of the house, but they do have to wear it every night. Every single night. One day those manically happy parents will regret it when they wake up to a little voice saying “NO MORE MICKEY . . .”
7. Snowman Stalkers
You know how the Elf on the Shelf has been terrifying kids for years with his ever watchful beady little eyes? Well, guess what? Frozen is cashing in on that psychological torture with a stalking snowman! I don’t know about you, but I think the snowman scares me even more than the elf, what with him offering “warm hugs”, then hiding and peeping at you and reporting back to – Santa? Or the snow queen herself? We’re in big trouble guys. Say your prayers or someone gets frozen tonight.
8. Castle Freaking-Kidding-Me
Okay, enough of the gross, let’s move onto the beautiful. And this actual castle, located in London, England would certainly make a nice summer home . . . wait, what? It’s . . . a 20 inch sculpture? As in no one can live in it, not even a Cinderella doll, but it costs 37,500 dollars???? That’s more than my first house. WTF. Oh, but hey, it’s got 28,255 Swarovski® crystals. Less than 3 weeks till Christmas, start saving now! Limited edition of 50 people they think might actually buy this!
9. Pile O’ Severed Heads
Something dreadful has happened in a little cottage deep in the wood. We never knew the Evil Queen had it in her, but word from the forest animals is she was passing by not long before this grisly scene was discovered. That’s right – Snow White and all seven dwarves, heads sliced from their bodies! Not sure what the queen did with their bodies. Maybe she put Snow’s on display for the heck of it. Good luck, Prince Charming.
10. Nightmare on Sesame Street
I know it looks like I’m picking yet another Frozen toy, but look closer. It’s supposed to be the snowman, mouth removed and straw stuck in his brain. Yet I think he looks an awful lot like this guy:
The resemblance is just too uncanny. You’ll notice Bert looks very concerned about this latest development. I bet Ernie was behind it. Imagine, your best buddy, chopping your head at the mouth and sucking your brain out through a straw. I think I’d want a little time apart after that one.
Okay, so there’s 10 fabulous gifts you can get for your little monsters this Christmas. No, don’t thank me. Thank the mouse. That . . . freaking . . . . mouse. Look out it’s little Timmy!
Because we are both geeky AND mature, the girls and I decided it would be fun to add the word “fart” to many popular Star Wars quotes. We think it went well.
Got any stinky quotes of your own?
Great news, sparkleponies! The other day, I managed to corner Blunt Life Coach and score an interview! If you don’t know who Blunt Life Coach (BLC) is, you need to check out twindaddy’s blog. He’s just awesome is all, and, well, we sort of have like this romance going on with our alternate personalities. But I don’t want to give away too much. On with the interview!
Alice: So, BLC, how long have you been hangin’ out in TD’s body?
BLC: Too long. I can’t tell you for sure, because the mind blocks out tragedies for self-preservation purposes, but I started becoming very aware in the past year and asserting more of myself over that lame piece of shit.
Alice: Why do you think TD is lame? I think he’s nice.
BLC: He’s a pussy. He let’s people walk all over him. And he…loves people. Fuck that.
Alice: Ah, good point. People are highly overrated. How do you handle being the hotter half of TD?
BLC: With grace and dignity. Plus, he’s a loser so I don’t have to worry about it.
Alice: Because you are hot.
BLC: You’re being weird again. What’s wrong with you?
Alice: I’m mad, why do you ask? Moving on. What do you do while you are actively controlling TD’s body?
BLC: Insult inferior people, which is almost everybody. It’s why I took up an advice column. With great intelligence comes great responsibility. I feel it is my duty to try to educate idiots.
Alice: And you do it so well. Could you educate me?
BLC: You’re mad, I don’t think there’s any hope for you.
Alice: Sure there is. I might need discipline. Got a paddle?
BLC: I have a blaster. And it’s not set on stun. Hint, hint.
Alice: Oooh, that’s an impressive blaster there. Where do you get all your cool storm trooper gear?
BLC: It’s standard issue. Is there a more competent interrogator somewhere? These questions suck.
Alice: Oh, I thought it was Pier One. Nevermind! What date would you like to set the wedding? Does Darth Vadar officiate for weddings?
BLC: *waves hand* This isn’t the trooper you’re looking for.
Alice: Hmm, you’re right, Wonderland would be a better choice of venue. The Queen of Hearts could do the honors. Watch out for you head. Oh – the interview. Um, do you have any family BLC?
BLC: Wonder what? No, I don’t have family. I’m a personality trapped in a fool’s body. How would I have a family.
Alice: He might have a family of voices in his head. It could happen. Don’t you worry, though, we’ll have lots of babies. At least a dozen.
BLC: Twindaddy is finished having children, and this is one thing we agree on. Besides, I’m in HIS body and don’t forget you’d have to do….that. Wait. Why am I even discussing this? Go away. You’re a freak.
Alice: Why, thank you! I guess that’s all the questions I have for today. Except – when are you going to post another advice column? There are so many stupid people out there. They need your help.
BLC: Every time I try Twindaddy gets drunk and I lose my focus. The little fucker is getting adept at thwarting me again.
Alice: Well, keep at it, trooper. The world needs you.
BLC: Whoa. You’re being…not freaky. I’m not sure how to respond to that.
At this point, BLC made a break for it. I will catch him later. Mwah! Anyway, let’s hope he comes back to stuphblog soon. You have questions? He’ll have answers. If he ever stops running.
Hello, all. Today I’ve got a guest blogger from a galaxy far, far away. You can find him these days on Stuphblog. His name is Twindaddy, and he is the best storm trooper blogger I have ever met. This guy has blogged under some extreme conditions, but today he’s gone somewhere no trooper has gone before – Wonderland. He has written an awesome short story that will be featured in two parts. Part Two will appear here on Saturday.
When you’re done here, be sure to check out his awesome blog – there’s a lot of cool stuph™ to be found! Without further ado, I give you a Storm Trooper in Wonderland . . .
“Dantooine. They’re on Dantooine.”
Dantooine. I’d never heard of this planet before. Yet here I am on this desolate world. There is allegedly a rebel base located on this world according to ISB. And that’s why we’re here. To find this base.
Let’s be honest, there’s no rebel base here. If there were they would have fled the planet as soon as we arrived in system. The rebels always run and hide. Always. They wouldn’t hunker down and wait for us to find them. They’re scared of us, as well they should be. What an epic waste of time this is.
The world seems pleasant enough, though. Dantooine is a terrestrial world filled with grassy plains, winding rivers, and beautiful lakes. This even seems like a pleasant enough world to take a vacation on. You know, if we stormtroopers were actually allowed to have vacations. Sometimes I think they see us as machines. Like droids. We’re human, though. As human as we can be after all that training.
It’s just after sunrise here. The local sun, Dina, has just crested over the eastern horizon, illuminating the dark-colored clouds in the sky and casting long shadows behind every object.
I have no idea what part of the planet I’m on. My commander just deployed me here via shuttle and ordered me to search for the secret base. I’m sure it’s out here in plain view for me to find. That was sarcasm if you couldn’t tell. Why are my commanders always so incompetent?
I began walking towards the tree ahead of me with the unusually large trunk when I heard a voice. An odd voice. It was a high-pitched voice, yet raspy at the same time. I froze and concentrated on the voice and tried to make out what it was saying. The voice progressively grew louder until I could clearly understand the spoken words.
“I’m late! I’m late!” the squeaky voice exclaimed as a weird creature came scurrying from behind me. I was startled, but managed not to jump out of my armor, because I’m just that good.
I studied the creature that had just ran right by me: an extremely small creature, with short white fur, and two long ears protruding from its tiny head. It was carrying some sort of chronometer in its hand and was attired in the oddest ensemble. It had some sort of red jacket overtop a dark yellow shirt. It was wearing grey pants with a white fluffy ball sticking out of its rear-end. Weird. And no shoes whatsoever. To say the least, I was mildly intrigued.
Curious, I followed the creature. As I was completely sure there were no rebels on this seemingly uninhabited planet, this might turn out to be the most interesting thing I see while I’m here. I figured I may as well see where it leads me. I had to maintain a brisk jog to keep pace with this creature, but that was no problem for me. As a warrior for the Empire, I’m in excellent physical shape. The creature passed by the fat tree and turned toward the rocky outcropping to the left. What it was heading for I did not know, yet I felt compelled to follow it.
After jogging behind it for a few hundred more meters along this rocking outcropping, it became clear that we were heading for a cave embedded into the outcropping up ahead. The creature never slowed or quickened its pace, but kept saying it was late over and over again. It also seemed oblivious to the fact that I was following it.
When it reached the cave it entered without hesitation. My curiosity now piqued, I followed carelessly through the cave’s entrance.
Big mistake. Big mistake indeed.
Just a few steps inside this dark cavern the floor disappeared. Maybe it was never there to begin with, but it certainly looked like the rocky ground was still there when I attempted my next step. Before I knew it or was ready for it, I was free-falling.
How stupid of me. I can’t believe I was so heedless as to just run right into an unknown situation. I know better. I was trained to avoid just this situation. Caution, caution, caution! I can’t believe I did this. I’m going to die because I’m stupid.
While all of this was going through my head, I failed to notice that I hadn’t found the bottom of this pit yet. When that stark realization snapped me back to reality, I looked down and saw the last thing I expected to see at the bottom of this cave I was plunging through.
A lit, finished floor.
Unbelievably, the closer I got to the floor below, the slower my descent became. I eventually landed gently on my feet, like a feather landing gracefully on the ground. All I could think was, “Whoa, that was weird.”
I slowly took stock of my situation. I still had my armor and I still had my blaster. I checked my utility belt and found what I hoped was still there. My comlink. I yanked it from my belt and began to speak into it.
“SB1977 to command. Do you read me over?” No response. I tried a couple more times to reach my commander, but to no avail. I brought the comlink up to try a fourth time when I heard a disturbingly sinister laugh echoing from somewhere beyond the edge of the light.
“That won’t work in here,” a haunting voice said.
I quickly brought my blaster up in both hands, ready to fire on any threat to my safety. “Who goes there?” I loudly asked.
Suddenly the edge of the light extended off to my right, illuminating a green door stuck between open, red curtains. The door had a golden knob on its right side with eyes above the knob and a keyhole doubling as a mouth below it. The knob seemed to be the nose of the most bizarre creature I had ever seen before.
I walked toward the door. Instead of the door growing larger as I approached, it actually became smaller. The knob’s eyes seemed to be following me as I moved toward it.
“Did you say something to me?” I asked it. Then, the absurd realization of what I had just done hit me like the shockwave from a thermal detonator blast. I just spoke to a kriffing door. Great, Drun. Just great. What will you do for your next trick?
The knob seemed to regard me, then its mouth began moving. “I said, ‘That won’t work in here.'”
I was so shocked and taken aback that I nearly soiled myself. A doorknob had just spoken to me. What is going on here?
“If you want to get through, you’ll have to use that key,” it continued, gesturing to its right (my left) with its creepy eyes.
I followed its gaze to my left and saw a table sitting there. On the table sat three items: a white cake, a blue bottle, and a golden key.
I looked back to the door. “How do I get through?”
It smirked. The door actually smirked. This is insane. “That’s for you to figure out,” it told me.
I raised my blaster and carefully aimed it at the door knob. “Look, whatever you are, I am a trooper for the Empire and you will tell me what I need to know or I’ll blast you!”
“Oh, that’s not how this…”
I had enough. That was all the knob could spit out before I angrily pulled the trigger and forever silenced it. As an added bonus, the door flew open. The doorway, however was too small for me to fit through. I walked over to the table and inspected the items it held. The key was now useless, so I ignored it. The bottle had a label on it that said “drink me.” Next to it was a cake that had “eat me” written into the frosting. After a short, juvenile chuckle at having just read the words “eat me” emblazoned on a cake, I decided to take a bite of the cake. I removed my helmet and took a small bite of the white cake.
A most puzzling thing then happened. Everything suddenly began to shrink. Then, I realized that it was me who was getting larger and not everything else getting smaller. Sithspit! What is going on?
My head hit the ceiling. Wait, there’s a ceiling in here? How did I get in here if there’s a ceiling? Smacking my head against the ceiling didn’t hurt, but it wasn’t exactly a gentle bump, either. Luckily, I stopped growing once my head hit the ceiling or else things would have become even more unpleasant.
The cake was an utter failure, so I decided to try the bottle. I figured that if the cake made me bigger, then hopefully the bottle would make my smaller. I lifted the now miniscule bottle up to my waiting mouth, which was no easy task considering the bottle was about the size of one of my fingernails now, and dumped its contents into my biggest orifice. My mouth.
Very quickly, everything became huge as I shrunk to the size of the door in what seemed like a heartbeat. It wasn’t gradual like eating the cake had been. I looked all around. Everything was huge now, except for the door, which was now just the right size. I took a step toward the door only to have my foot bang into some inanimate object I hadn’t noticed was there. I looked down and saw my helmet lying there in front of me. Somehow, it had shrunk, too. Not daring to question my good fortune in that regard, I picked it up and placed it back over my precious skull. Well, it’s precious to me, anyhow.
With no other reason to stay, I continued through the door, completely unprepared for what lay on the other side.