The Game of Life (Part Two)
Years ago I wrote a post on the board game Life and how it’s both stupidly unrealistic and uncomfortably realistic at the same time. There’s another version of this game for even lazier people that doesn’t involve the annoying game board and teeny little people pegs that get lost in the carpet. It’s the Life Adventures card game and the Things and I love it.

I’m just sad there is no psychotic family on the cover of this game. We had to supply that ourselves.
If you thought the first game was random, this game just spits on that and says “Watch this.” You get four decks of cards, a “Family” deck, a “Wealth” deck, a “Career” deck, and an “Adventure” deck. Just like real life, that’s all there is – a job, money, family, and oh the adventure of making it to the next paycheck! Actually, just like the old game, the Adventure deck has you swimming with dolphins and crap. Big deal. I want important careers and expensive things! And children because they come with points!

Who needs adventure when you can own cool stuff like children?
Oh, right, I should explain the system a bit better. There’s no deciding whether to get a degree or not, or stopping to buy a house or get married. There’s really no deciding period, it’s just whatever the deck throws at you. So if you happen to draw one of the wedding cards, boom, you just got married. As it was in the old game, it doesn’t matter if you wanted a wedding or not, you got one. Suck it up. You can avoid the wedding if you simply avoid the Family deck altogether though, but you’re really missing great opportunities for advancement and hilarity.
There is no money in this game, but don’t worry, it’s still pure capitalism. Each card you receive has a number of points on it, depending on its value. So like getting one child gives you 20 points, but triplets nets you 60 points! You can get an igloo (and be happy about it!) for 40 points, but we all want the castle because it’s worth 90 points, and also because it’s a castle and so much better than that igloo that’s melting cause it’s in Texas.

There’s also that issue of freakishly large polar bears.
In the old game you were stuck with one job unless you had a midlife crisis. You still get those here, but you don’t have to in order to have as many jobs as you like. You can be a rocket scientist, a rock star, and an exotic zoo veterinarian all at the same time. You’d better have multiple careers, though, cause while you can have as many jobs as you want, you only get three paydays per job, and each of those is 20 points. You can get 20 points just for popping out a baby! Thank goodness this is just a game, and no one works multiple jobs or has babies for money. Talk about silly!
But you’re probably wondering, don’t you need a degree for some of those jobs, Alice? Right you are! Some cards are not playable until you have another card first. So if you want to be a rocket scientist, you have to draw a degree card first. Just one, though, so whew about those pesky doctorates. Just one degree qualifies you for every job with a degree, but some jobs don’t require one at all like rock star and President. I’m just joking, there’s no President card. There is a politician one, though, and it comes with mega points, but you like need a degree? Far out.

President Trump is a winner at LIFE
You also need a boat (a bathtub will do) to sail solo around the world, or a plane (private jet please) to do the loop de loop, but you can go to the moon without a spaceship no probs. Also no home improvements without a house, though you can go through the whole game with no home if you want. Just wait, though, cause I haven’t gotten to Life’s version of Chance cards yet, and that’s where things get interesting.
You get to sue people, naturally, for any card with 30 points from their life story. This could be bad if, say, all they have is a house worth at least 30 points. Or a family shark. Or a kid. If you don’t like your job, you can just swap it with someone else’s. I know I certainly wanted to swap my job with Kim Kardashian’s. You donate to charity in this game, which is great, only you are making someone else donate to charity by force. Sort of like what happened to Bill Gates when he tried to keep all his goodies to himself and social media got madfaced. You can just directly take someone’s house, though you do have to give them one in return – the igloo for the castle trade, for instance. And did I mention children?

I could hack a job sitting around being rich and shallow.
Yeah, like everything else, those little brats are commodities. There is more than one card where you can “adopt” a child or “find a long-lost relative” and just take someone’s child away. I used to think that was called “kidnapping” but apparently I was mistaken! You can also just have a midlife crisis and swap all the cards in your hand with another player. Doesn’t matter what cards are in their hand. I bet they were saving that lawsuit and castle and set of twins weren’t they? Too bad. It’s so funny when a family member screams “Don’t take my babies!”
Since this game gets a little cutthroat (it encourages us, what do you want?), the Things and I decided to make it even more fun by playing as fictional characters. Last time we went Star Wars and I played as Jar Jar Binks complete with “Meesa this” etc. that never, ever got old. Try imagining Jar Jar getting married, or worse, reproducing. I figured that was a bit over his head, so I just had him thinking hand shaking made the babies, while his Sith wife had kids with various Dark Side guys. This led into questions of “just how hard did she shake his hand” etc., as Han Solo (Thing Two) and C-3P0 (Thing One) plotted to murder me. You’ll be happy to know that we are a progressive family, so C-3PO got to marry R2-D2 at last and together they, er, built BB-8. At least it wasn’t as ridiculous as the time I played the Emperor and married and had kids – I mean who would marry that guy, am I right?

Marriage equality at last
But in the end, Life’s just a game, isn’t it? You have your ups and downs, days when you are furious at your messy igloo, and days when people adopt your children from you. Que sera, sera!
~ Alice
More Christmas Ideas Disney Style!
Christmas is almost here (again) and I know you guys want to do better than last year when at the last minute you gave everyone corn dogs from 7-11. So I’ve compiled another list of Christmas toys to make your shopping easier. I even got them all from one store, the most wholesome, magical one on earth – the Disney Store! Maybe these toys aren’t the best – I mean it’s hard to beat hammers, tacks, and whips that crack – but here goes.
1. Yoda Tracheotomy
Poor Yoda. This is what happens when you steal lights from people and try to eat them. You didn’t have to go that far to convince Luke you were nuts. I’m not sure the purpose of this toy. I mean, you can have a flashlight, or you can have a yoda doll . . . the reason for combining the two is lost on me. Use the force, shove stuff down your throat . . . yeah I’m not getting it. Oh and remember, this is sold by the Disney Store who has shockingly already capitalized on their recent acquisition bwahahahahaha.
2. Frozen Brain Storage
I’ve seen these little purse things around for a while, and I’ve never understood them. I mean, sure, they’re cute and all until you realize you are shoving your change into an empty doll skull – or possibly a completely disemboweled doll in this case, I’m not for sure. She looks so blindly happy about it, despite having no brains or nose. Also there’s a strange flap of skin on the left side of her face. Is that an ear? Part of her hair? I’m not sure, but Disney, really, remember these are kids here!
3. Decaying flesh pins
That’s right! When you think evil, creepy Sith Lord, you obviously ask yourself – hey, how can I wear that guy on my shirt? Well, Disney, once again, has the answer for you. It’s the Emperor Palpatine pin! Put it on your Star Wars tie and watch the chicks line up! And vomit. But wait, there’s more!
I’m not sure which of these guys would win the ugly award, so why not just wear them both and let others decide by number of people running away from you and / or asking for your number at a comic convention.
4. Pound of hairy flesh
Keeping with the fleshy organ removal theme, here is yet another Star Wars offering. A Chewbacca journal! If you’ll remember, Chewbacca is that walking carpet that randomly makes howly noises in the movies. I bet he made a really loud howly noise when his hair was ripped off of him and for what? A journal cover? Are you happy, children? Well, ARE YOU?
5. Frozen Radioactive Girl
Here’s the very popular Elsa singing doll, singing the well known “It’s all about the base”. Or possibly it’s all about the arms, since by the looks of it, she has dipped her arms in some sort of nuclear waste and is now glowing. I remember the part where she sings, but I fail to remember the part where her arms start glowing in the dark. I guess Disney thought it’d be a nice touch. Anna also glows – in the chest area, which is more concerning. Adding to the fun, they are motion activated, so walk past one and this happens. I think these two better head to the nearest Arendale hospital STAT.
6. Ozzie and Harriet PJs
You know what they say, the family that wears matching Mickey Mouse PJs together . . . is freaking weird. I predict at least one of these kids is growing up to be an ax murderer. Oh, sure, some people think it’s cute for everyone to match, and I mean everyone, even Dad isn’t spared. And this is for bedtime, not a one-time only picture. On the plus side, I guess they don’t have to wear it out of the house, but they do have to wear it every night. Every single night. One day those manically happy parents will regret it when they wake up to a little voice saying “NO MORE MICKEY . . .”
7. Snowman Stalkers
You know how the Elf on the Shelf has been terrifying kids for years with his ever watchful beady little eyes? Well, guess what? Frozen is cashing in on that psychological torture with a stalking snowman! I don’t know about you, but I think the snowman scares me even more than the elf, what with him offering “warm hugs”, then hiding and peeping at you and reporting back to – Santa? Or the snow queen herself? We’re in big trouble guys. Say your prayers or someone gets frozen tonight.
8. Castle Freaking-Kidding-Me
Okay, enough of the gross, let’s move onto the beautiful. And this actual castle, located in London, England would certainly make a nice summer home . . . wait, what? It’s . . . a 20 inch sculpture? As in no one can live in it, not even a Cinderella doll, but it costs 37,500 dollars???? That’s more than my first house. WTF. Oh, but hey, it’s got 28,255 Swarovski® crystals. Less than 3 weeks till Christmas, start saving now! Limited edition of 50 people they think might actually buy this!
9. Pile O’ Severed Heads
Something dreadful has happened in a little cottage deep in the wood. We never knew the Evil Queen had it in her, but word from the forest animals is she was passing by not long before this grisly scene was discovered. That’s right – Snow White and all seven dwarves, heads sliced from their bodies! Not sure what the queen did with their bodies. Maybe she put Snow’s on display for the heck of it. Good luck, Prince Charming.
10. Nightmare on Sesame Street
I know it looks like I’m picking yet another Frozen toy, but look closer. It’s supposed to be the snowman, mouth removed and straw stuck in his brain. Yet I think he looks an awful lot like this guy:
The resemblance is just too uncanny. You’ll notice Bert looks very concerned about this latest development. I bet Ernie was behind it. Imagine, your best buddy, chopping your head at the mouth and sucking your brain out through a straw. I think I’d want a little time apart after that one.
Okay, so there’s 10 fabulous gifts you can get for your little monsters this Christmas. No, don’t thank me. Thank the mouse. That . . . freaking . . . . mouse. Look out it’s little Timmy!
May the Farts be With You
Because we are both geeky AND mature, the girls and I decided it would be fun to add the word “fart” to many popular Star Wars quotes. We think it went well.

Vader: I have altered your meal plan . . . poooooooot . . . pray I don’t alter it any further.
Lando: My gas is getting worse all the time!
Got any stinky quotes of your own?
A Very Merry Interview with a Stormtrooper
Great news, sparkleponies! The other day, I managed to corner Blunt Life Coach and score an interview! If you don’t know who Blunt Life Coach (BLC) is, you need to check out twindaddy’s blog. He’s just awesome is all, and, well, we sort of have like this romance going on with our alternate personalities. But I don’t want to give away too much. On with the interview!
Alice: So, BLC, how long have you been hangin’ out in TD’s body?
BLC: Too long. I can’t tell you for sure, because the mind blocks out tragedies for self-preservation purposes, but I started becoming very aware in the past year and asserting more of myself over that lame piece of shit.
Alice: Why do you think TD is lame? I think he’s nice.
BLC: He’s a pussy. He let’s people walk all over him. And he…loves people. Fuck that.
Alice: Ah, good point. People are highly overrated. How do you handle being the hotter half of TD?
BLC: With grace and dignity. Plus, he’s a loser so I don’t have to worry about it.
Alice: Because you are hot.
BLC: You’re being weird again. What’s wrong with you?
Alice: I’m mad, why do you ask? Moving on. What do you do while you are actively controlling TD’s body?
BLC: Insult inferior people, which is almost everybody. It’s why I took up an advice column. With great intelligence comes great responsibility. I feel it is my duty to try to educate idiots.
Alice: And you do it so well. Could you educate me?
BLC: You’re mad, I don’t think there’s any hope for you.
Alice: Sure there is. I might need discipline. Got a paddle?
BLC: I have a blaster. And it’s not set on stun. Hint, hint.
Alice: Oooh, that’s an impressive blaster there. Where do you get all your cool storm trooper gear?
BLC: It’s standard issue. Is there a more competent interrogator somewhere? These questions suck.
Alice: Oh, I thought it was Pier One. Nevermind! What date would you like to set the wedding? Does Darth Vadar officiate for weddings?
BLC: *waves hand* This isn’t the trooper you’re looking for.
Alice: Hmm, you’re right, Wonderland would be a better choice of venue. The Queen of Hearts could do the honors. Watch out for you head. Oh – the interview. Um, do you have any family BLC?
BLC: Wonder what? No, I don’t have family. I’m a personality trapped in a fool’s body. How would I have a family.
Alice: He might have a family of voices in his head. It could happen. Don’t you worry, though, we’ll have lots of babies. At least a dozen.
BLC: Twindaddy is finished having children, and this is one thing we agree on. Besides, I’m in HIS body and don’t forget you’d have to do….that. Wait. Why am I even discussing this? Go away. You’re a freak.
Alice: Why, thank you! I guess that’s all the questions I have for today. Except – when are you going to post another advice column? There are so many stupid people out there. They need your help.
BLC: Every time I try Twindaddy gets drunk and I lose my focus. The little fucker is getting adept at thwarting me again.
Alice: Well, keep at it, trooper. The world needs you.
BLC: Whoa. You’re being…not freaky. I’m not sure how to respond to that.
At this point, BLC made a break for it. I will catch him later. Mwah! Anyway, let’s hope he comes back to stuphblog soon. You have questions? He’ll have answers. If he ever stops running.