Aaaaaand the Things and I are back with part two of the Total Eclipse of the Stupid. Enjoy while we go try to scrub out our brains. Click here for part one.
More new vamp dude. Something’s coming. Let’s get to ittttt! Volturi (head honcho vamps in black cloaks) are standing by
Girl vamp: People will think we’re ineffective.
Me: You arrrrrrrre.
Graduation: We see Bella’s “friend” who actually has sense and looks forward to something besides Edwarrrrd OMGGGGG. What a jerk.
T1: Good thing we didn’t have to see Bella’s speech
Me: She didn’t have one. She majored in Edward.
Bella is most boring party guest ever. Jacob comes by to say “Sorry for assaulting you, here’s a gift”. Alice has another vision that the vampire army is coming (they are all sniffin’ Bella’s PJs). In four more days. Kill me now.
We have ANOTHER vampire council. Forget action, how about more talking!
They are “playing with the blind spots in Alice’s vision.” Yeah blind spots big enough to dump a truck through. Both Edward and Jacob are willing to sacrifice everyone else in their groups all for Bella. Oy.
So meeting with vamps and wolves. Sigh. Eddie sees Bella’s gift from Jacob.
T1: Just shut up about it already
Mercifully he does. So the new vamps are more powerful because their human blood lingers in their tissues. Wait, what? Vampires are stronger than humans and oh, just, nevermind. Vampires practice fight.
T2: Vampire / Wolf montage!!
Bella pets Jacob.
T1: I want a cute, cuddly boyfriend!
Jasper tells his backstory as a Confederate soldier. Yup, now wondering why Steph didn’t write the dang books about the other vampires. That would be bearable.
Oh, crap, we’re back with Bella lying around with Edward. It would really suck not to ever sleep, especially around her. They mouth breathe and stammer and stare and Bella says “Maybe Alice can’t see it cause Victoria is hiding behind someone else making the decision.” As in, one more plot hole for Alice’s visions, dude.
T1: Hey, Bella is actually, like, processing things now.
Short scene with new vamp dude (no need to name him) and Victoria. Why can’t we have more Victoria, movie?
Edward is leaving to go – sit around and think about Victoria or whatever.
Bella: You take all the risks
Edward: If it’s Victoria involved (duh), I need to get you as far away as possible.
Me: Like, except when you left her totally at her mercy in the last movie?
Bella: It’s dangerous for us to be apart
T1: That’s true, she tried to kill herself last time.
Edward: I can’t make you choose between me and your family
T1: What? Bella did it no probs.
Jacob shows up. Bella says stuff. Jacob poses.
T1: Whatever. I’m hot.
Edward and Jasper make stinky jokes about dogboy. They decide Jacob will carry Bella around cause Jacob stinks. Or something.
T1: Rock a bye Bel-la
Me: Why can’t Bella just walk close to him? Why carry her?
T1: She could just rub his armpit sweat all over herself
More yammering about how Jacob thinks Bella really loves him and she says no and they walk and yammer and helpppp.
Bella comes back . . . wait, why? She’s at her dad’s house. He is having fun with Alice, who is clearly a better daughter than Bella.
Alice yammers something about their plan, still not making sense. Camping, sleepovers, hunting, wait, what?
Bella talks with Dad. Hey Dad, how come you didn’t remarry? Hey Dad, here’s some more salt for your wound. Dad says she should wait much much later to marry. Yes. Please. Dad tries to bring up “intimacy” and Bella’s all “ewww gross.”
Bella: Dad – I’m a virgin!
Dad freaks out a little.
T1: Finally she acts like a real teenager. I think she smiled.
Bella goes to Edward’s. Arghhh, when are they going to have something happen? Anything?
Edward: Why are you outside?
Bella looks like she’s doing the potty dance.
T1: I have to go potty.
They go in a room with a bed
Bella: There’s a bed. (genius!)
More mumbling and staring and huffing and puffing and Bella goes smoochyface.
Bella: I want youuuu. I wanna have sex as a human.
T1: Fast forward, fast forward!
They make out – in fast forward. Then Eddie stops cause he wants to protect her soul. No sexy times before marriage!
Me: Yeah, protect her soul until he uh, turns her into a vampire. Right.
T1: Whaaat? Gross, Bella’s the one who wants this?
Me: This is NOT the way it normally goes. It’s usually the guy.
We fast forward past the rest of the angsty muttering, then have to go back cause we missed the proposal. Eddie is talking about asking her dad’s permission (say whaat?) and getting down on one knee.
T1: He looks like he’s about to puke.
He gives Bella his mom’s ring he somehow still had. He asks if she’ll do him the “extraordinary honor” of marrying him – while looking like he might vomit any second.
Bella: Yeah, okay.
Fangirls everywhere squeal with delight!
Back to nameless guy and Victoria.
NG: Hey, we’ve been tearing the place up and the Cullens haven’t done squat.
Me: Exactly the problem I’m having. NOTHING IS HAPPENING.
Smoochy times with NG and Victoria. Sadly, they had to add this to the movie (and all other Victoria and newborn vampire scenes) because even that much action was not happening in the book.
Bella walks around pricking her finger on bushes in the woods. I wish she’d pass out like Sleeping Beauty.
Edward: Your blood doesn’t bother me anymore cause I totes thought you were dead.
Say whaat? He’s still a freaking vampire . . . oh wait.
T1: Can I just have a tiny lick? Pleaseee
Me: Finger lickin’ good
Bella: We should wait to tell Jacob we’re engaged
T1: Yeah cause he’ll eat you otherwise.
Jacob comes up.
T1: Bella still wants to cheat on Edward with Jacob
Me: Who wouldn’t?
Jacob runs off carrying Bella again. Still not sure why. He clearly shows his underpants. Eddie watches and. . . sparkles!
Vampire army walking through the water. Come onnnnn, there’s so many of youuu. Kill them, kill them!
Jacob brings Bella to campsite with Edward. Pouts because no one talked about his abs.
Sudden monster snow storm comes out of nowhere! Plot convenience playhouse presents! Bella is freezing cold. Her buck teeth are chattering. Edward is all what do I do? Well, your ice cubeness isn’t gonna help her.
Jacob comes in and Edward says like no way and Jacob says “I’m hotter than you.”
T1: Snuggle times!
Jacob is totally a portable heater. Eddie is not happy. Jacob and Edward have another peeing contest over Bella.
Jacob: When you thought she was dead, how did you cope?
Me: Tried to kill myself, yups. Kids, remember, if your true love leaves, kill yourself.
T1: Mommy, tilt your head and look at the screen. It’s way cooler.
Me: They look black and glowy. Hey, yeah it does look cooler.
T1: We are way bored, Mommy.
Jacob overhears Eddie talkin’ marriage. Uh oh, wolf ears.
Bella runs after Jacob. Actually shouts. Something besides a mumble?
Bella: No, Jake, stay!
T1 and T2: Stay, stay boy
Me: Now roll over. Good boy!
Jacob’s all ready to kill himself until Bella says the right thing – yeah, um, not manipulative at all, are we?
Bella: Kiss me
They make out.
T2: You taste like kibbles and bits!
Jacob: I gotta go
T1: Gotta go peeee. My leg is liftingggg!
She turns around. Eddie is standing there. Oooooh snap!
T2: Burrrrn, Burrrn!
Eddie: You love him
Bella: I love you more
Cullens and more realistic vampires run at each other – yayyy something happening! Pause it and ohhhh, ewww.
T1: It’s vampire football now!
Meanwhile, takes two seconds for Vicki to figure out where Bella is after all this running around aimlessly. She and no name go up against Eddikins. She sends no name first. I’m thinking, yay, fight, but instead we get Edward talking to no name:
Eddie: She doesn’t love you.
Vicki: Yes I doooo.
Eddie: No, she totes doesn’t, I like read minds.
Vicki: Nooo don’t believe him. I lurrrve you for realz.
Finally Jacob comes and gets a new chew toy. Yay!
Edward taunts Vicki and she goes freaky and they fight for two seconds. We root for Vicki. Edward chops down tree with head and Vicki falls with it.
Bella gets the brilliant idea to cut her arm for distraction. I knew she shouldn’t have heard the story about the third wife! Yay, Bella can be a distraction! She’s a HERO! Although, come to think of it, couldn’t the third wife have just cut her arm instead of killing herself? Nevermind.
Edward breaks Victoria. We all cry. Editing is so bad they have Victoria with her eyes open in one frame, then another frame her eyes are closed. Porcelain corpses close their eyes?
T2: Eddie’s gonna mount her head on his wall
Edward tears a strip of Bella’s shirt off for a bandage. Cut to Jake. He’s like man, you’re supposed to take your whole shirt off, dude!
Eddie throws lighter on Victoria
T2: Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Vic!
Alice has vision of Volturi floatin’ around, pretendin’ to be awesome. Vampire attacks Jacob. Jacob’s body goes snap, crackle, pop. Wolves take him away. Volturi show up.
T1: Just kill Bella already
Volturi chick sees the little girl vampire that just turned herself in. She beats her up with Jedi, er, vampire mind tricks. Then has her friend kill her. Oh, yay, child killing. Thank you, Stephenie Meyer.
Immediately cut scene to wolves hanging out by truck.
T1: Now to the tailgate partyyyy!
Doc vampire is fixing him (eeearghhhhhhh!). Bella goes to Jacob
T1: I wish .. . I could show you my abs.
Me: They are all brokey.
Jacob is sweating all over.
Jacob: Bella . . .
T1; I need a towel . . .
T1: I just figured it out – it’s Old Yeller! Jake’s a dog and sacrificed for her!
Me: Now let’s shoot him.
Jacob and Bella blah blah feelings blah blah.
T1: What is all this? He’s not dying.
Me: His heart is . . . breaaaaaking
T1: Oh barf.
Annnnd we’re back in the meadow w/ Edward and Bella. No! No, they’re starting it all over again noooooo!
Bella: We’ll have the wedding in August – that’s a month before my birthday so I won’t be any older than you.
Cause THAT’S how you choose when to make a lifetime commitment. Based on not being older than eighteen.
Edward: Who knows who Alice will invite to the wedding if she plans it?
T1: It’s alright. Bella has no friends.
Edward: You’re trying to make everyone happy.
T1: No, she’s not.
Me: Not even close.
Bella: I’ve had to face death, and loss, and pain.
Bella: I’ve always been out of step.
Soooo that means you’re meant to be a vampire, all awkward teens. Remember that.
More mushy mumbles. End. Ennnnnnnnnnnd!
Bella: We have to tell Charlie (That’s her dad. She can’t say dad cause she’s a jerk) Good thing you’re bullet proof.
Me: Darn it all.
Eddie puts ring on Bella’s finger. It ends. Yes! HOooooooray!
Hey, all, I’m back with my two fellow
sufferers reviewers, my daughters, Thing One and Thing Two. Finally. Last time we reviewed the second installment of Twilight gaggeria, New Moon, and before that the suckage that started it all, Twilight. That was a while ago. Like, um, over a year. It takes that long to recover from this stupidity. But – here we go again on our own . . .
Menu selection screen –
Camera zooms around everywhere wildly. Characters from the movie pop up. All: Arghhhhhhhhh!
T1: They’re like cardboard pop ups!
T2: But scarier!
Me: Movie hasn’t even started yet and we’re scared!
We freeze for a screen shot of Bella.
T1: Draw a mustache on her!
T2: Mommy I dare you!
Movie opens in rain. Yay. Man is walking through the rain, at night, alone.
T2: They’re in Gotham City!
T1: Just like in the first Twilight movie, you know something’s gonna die in the first few seconds.
Me: If only it could be Bella. No, it’s this schmuck. Let’s watch, shall we?
Yup, something shoots out of nowhere at him. T2 starts rooting for it. Man tries to run for it.
T1: Try like left or right.
Whatever bites him. He falls to the ground, writhes around, screams like a little girl.
T2: Oh the painnnn, the painnnn!
T1: He must have been a real wimp in high school.
Me: Sounds like Bella’s nightmare
T2: Alien’s gonna pop out of his chest!
T1: Like this movie isn’t gross enough already?
Zoom in on more trees. Bella boring voiceover.
T2: Blah blahhh
T1: Shush, I’m trying to hear the stupid things she says.
Me: She’s ruining Robert Frost’s Fire and Ice poem. Bad Bella!
T1: Some say it will end in ice, or sparkly vampires . . .
They are in a meadow again. Ooooh. Like a Summer’s Eve commercial. Eddie is messing with her hair like he’s checking Bella for ticks or dandruff.
Me: Ooh I see his sparkles on his cheek! Or blush?
T1: It’s sweat.
Me: Sparkly sweat?
T2: I’m allergic to sparkles
Bella: Turn me
Edward: If you marry me. It’s called compromise
Me: No it’s called bribery.
Bella is sitting on him, making out.
T1: Ugh, can’t breathe Bella . . .
Edward: You’re worried about what people will think . . .
T1: At this point, why?
Mumble, mumble, mumble
T2: Eddie, stop talkin’ Latin
Me: Maybe if she’d quit speaking into her hand. Microphones, people, something!
Bella whines at Dad who for some reason still hates Edward – like HE SHOULD. Remember how you were screamin’ at night, Bella? Remember the moping? Well DO YOU? Clearly poor dad is the best character.
Dad: You know why you’re being punished
Bella: Yeah I put you through hell
T1: over and over and . .
Bella: Edward is in my life
Dad drinks. I’d drink too if I were him.
Dad: You have freedom if you use it to see others. Like Jacob.
T1: Yeah, better choice there. What about the girls who said they were her friends?
Bella goes to her truck. Won’t start. Wonder why. Edward shows up. All scream.
Bella: Did you do this to my truck?
T2: Yeah he’s a psycho freak!
T1: Does he have no conscience? Why did he take her battery?
T2: To put it in the microwave?
Edward: The wolves have no control.
Me: Eddikins, ya took her battery. You don’t either.
Edward: Well I’m sorry.
T1: Worst apology ever
Bella conversation at lunch table. Humans are blabbing. Bella stares. Then Alice and Jasper sit down.
Me: The weirdos are here!
Alice: Let’s have a party! It will be fun!
Bella: Yeah, like last time.
Sad Trombone: Wah wah wahhhhhhh.
Alice starts having a vision, or maybe constipation. Hard to tell.
Police station. People are getting killed.
Edward: We’ve been tracking it for a while.
Me: Yeah, no need to tell Bella about this. Just cause they wanna kill, you know, her.
Bella’s dad comes out.
Edward: Oh yeah, reminding you of the airline ticket I got for your birthday
T1: Really, Edward?
Eddie has gotten her a ticket to Florida to see Mom. Wait, Florida . . . hot sun . . . vampire . . . sparkletownnnnn. Yes, go, go, go!
There are two tickets of course.
Girls: Two tickets to paradise!
Bella in Florida. More mumbling voice over. What is she saying?
Mom: The way he looks at you. Like he’s willing to leap and take a bullet for ya.
(Edward staring creepily at them through the window)
T2: Please tell me it’s a silver bullet
More mumbles. Strip shirts? Three headed lobster? Are we in Hogwarts?
Next we have the whole creepy vampire crew, standing around in the forest. There is a blue filter in the lens.
T2: Oh, no, more vampire baseball!
T1: It’s Picasso’s blue period!
T2: More staring. I’m gonna stare the crap outta ya!
Now suddenly they’re running. After . . .something.
T1: It’s the vampire Olympics!
They’re running after Victoria. Oh, yeah, the only likable character.
Giant wolves come after her.
They’re flying and hopping all over the place, ricocheting against trees like pinballs.
T2: Batman! No Spiderman!
Me: Not anywhere as cool.
Victoria leaps over a cavern. I believvvve I can flyyyyy!
Oh, now we’re back at school. Nooooo. Edward and Bella mumble talk for awhile.
Bella: Mumblemumble mumble?
Ed: Mumble Mumblejumbo.
They get out of the car. And ka-BAM, music gets louder and JACOB is here in all his abby glory!
T2: Everything is awesommmmme!
Jacob points out that Bella should know wtf is going on. So should the audience. At least you can understand Jacob.
Edward: I was trying to protect you
Bella: By lying to me?
Bella hops on Jacob’s bike. Eat DIRT vampire!
Jacob’s place. Jacob walks over a log.
T2: Hey ya like my log? I chew on it.
The shirtless crew arrive! None of the werewolves wear shirts. It’s a rule.
T1: They got kicked out of school. Couldn’t conform to dress codes.
There’s a girl werewolf now, but yuck, cause she whines about her broken heart. And probably her period too! Apparently they can read minds. So she can hear their thoughts too. And they’re teenage boys. Guess what they’re thinking? I’d be pissed too.
Jacob explains “imprinting”. Basically, no free will guys. You’re just in loves and that’s that!
Jacob: They aren’t even alive
T1: Well, you’re a dogman
Me: Kibbles and bits, kibbles and bits.
T2: About to go woof woof now.
Jacob: I’d rather you be dead than one of them!
Bella: I can’t believe you said that.
T1: Sorry, Stephenie Meyer made me a jerk in this book.
Creeper guy in Bella’s room. Figure it’s Edward, but no, another vampire – dude bitten in the beginning. Grabs her pajamas and sniffs. And keeps it!
T2: Did you see the look on his face?
Guy wanders around house.
T1: Dad needs a better security system
Me: He’s not a very good cop . . .
Dude leans over Dad sleeping on couch
T1: Eww don’t kiss him!
Next day Eddie comes in w/ black pupils.
Bella: I know I smell like dog.
Edward figures out someone has been in Bella’s room. Genius!
Vampire group meeting! Woot! Lots of mumbling. Who could be after Bella? Gee?
Alice: Noo I’d have seen it. (Why didn’t she see all the other stuff?)
Rosalie acts like a jerk to Bella. I still like Rosalie best. Bella says dogboy can protect her while they run around aimlessly.
Wolves decide to take over so vamps can hunt.
T1: So now the wolves wanna protect Bella too? Way to get their priorities straight.
They drive up and there’s Jake doing his model pose.
Edward: Doesn’t he own a shirt?
T1: They save money that way.
Edward sticks his tongue in Bella’s mouth. Subtle!
Jacob hugs her tightly.
Me: Just pee on her already.
Jacob takes her to a tribal meeting.
Bella: Aren’t their stories secret?
Me: Not after Stephenie got hold of them.
Jacob wrestles with another guy.
T1: Finally boys doing boy stuff!
Elder dude: One day our warriors came across a creature
They show the femmiest pirate vampire dude EVER. We laugh. Indians show up wearing potato sacks. Totally freak out. Indian Hulk Smash! We laugh again.
The Native American “third wife” kills herself to distract the vampire. Oh, oh, movie, don’t give Bella ideas.
Bella sits there with same doped up expression
T1: Can she ever breathe through her nose?
Back with pajama stealing vamp dude. Talks to girl. Smashing heads. Blah.
Back to the stupid vampire council. They think newborn vampires are after them. Newborns are like, totes uncontrollable. And need diapers. Not really. But it’d be about as interesting.
Bella back w/Dad who says he’d never stop searching if she were missing. Oooh guilt trip.
Bella and Eddie.
Bella doesn’t know what to tell family.
Me: Mom and Dad: I am a blood sucking freak. Merry Christmas!
Bella and Eddie smooch smooch
Jacob and Bella
Jacob: You love me you just don’t know it yet!
T2: Batman or Dogface? How to choose?
Jacob forces her into kiss. Bella punches him and breaks hand.
Eddie gets madface and he and Jacob slap fight each other.
Back to vampire council. Enddddd. Ennnndddd. How can we only be 45 minutes in???
Rosalie has her flashback. Why is it the background vampires are all more interesting than Edward or Bella?
Stay tuned tomorrow for more of, unfortunately, Bella and Edward. If you dare.
Haha, but not you guys! I mean, unless you choose not to read this post or leave comments; then I hate you. It’s nothing personal. I hate pretty much everyone a large portion of the time. That is why this is one of my favorite songs. It’s sort of like the anti-Barney song. Here’s a clip on youtube. Someone went to the trouble of slapping some lyrics on the screen while it plays. I hate that person. Probably.
But that’s not all. Since I didn’t bother to think up a real post, (this is always a promising beginning to a post isn’t it?) here are people I hate.
That guy in the drive-through at McDonald’s that cut in line. Fuck you, stupid car. Wait your turn. Didn’t you go to freaking kindergarten? That IS where you’re supposed to fucking learn everything. I hope someone beats the crap out of you on the playground today.
Patrons. I mean, wtf, they want me to serve them? Get away from my books.
People who call with the wrong number but then ask if my number is really 555-5555 and I’m like yes, come to think of it, that person is here after all. Let me go get him and have him hang up on you.
Adults who freak out over cuss words. Fuck off, Mary Poppins. These are awesome words. Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuckballs.
Stephenie Meyer. E.L. James. Whoever copies E.L. James. Whoever copies that person.
Kirsten Stewart – just fucking say your lines, will you? I know it’s a stupid movie, but you’re getting paid millions. Stuttering was only charming on JIMMY Stewart.
People who think they are parenting experts. I hope your kid writes a tell-all book about how much you suck. This would make me very happy.
The Religious Right. Shut up. And stop denying people rights. If Miss Four Eyes wants to marry a depressed pony and a manic squirrel then she can! Is this not a free country?
Patrons again. If we don’t have a magazine in, we don’t have it. We aren’t hiding it. We librarians cannot magically pull periodicals out of our asses. If we could, we would make better money.
Children. Always asking for food and water and attention. Get a job you little brats.
People who think filtering computers is a good idea. I can’t get into perfectly reasonable sites, but I can get into my own blog. This means your filter isn’t working, douchebag.
The publish button. Just – push – it. Push it. Do it. Go on.
People like me, who are given awesome ideas for posts, (Satanic Yoga!) but just come up with this crap.
So there you go. My favorite lines from that song? Right here:
I bet you think I’m kidding
But I promise you it’s true
I hate most everybody
But most of all, I hate, oh I hate yo-uuu.
Do YOU hate anyone, boys and girls? Please say so in the comments below!
Last chapter! Last chapter! Wow, that’s a long freaking chapter. I’ll just skim by and . . . okay Chapter 25 ends and then there’s . . . . still 36 pages. What the hell? Okay, yes, I could have read ahead but there’s only so much you can stomach at a time. Now that I think of it, Speaker 7 said something about this . . . bloop, blop, bleep, I think it was. There is an Epilogue. Okay. Then when you get to the end of that there is . . . still 24 pages. I have entered a wormhole from which there is no escape, peeps. The last 24 pages are from Christian’s point of view.
Wait just a fucking second. Okay, so it wasn’t bad enough that she copied Stephenie Meyer’s idiot Twilight series, she has actually had the gall to copy her stupid idea to retell the entire story again from Edward’s point of view. In case you didn’t know, Meyer tried this trick and duh-er let someone leak the first few chapters onto the Internet, threw a pouty fit about it, and decided she was not finishing it so there. Thank God for whoever leaked that book. But anyway, James – James copied that too, yet they are seriously saying this is an original work and I just . . . I just . . . bloop, blop, bleep.
Okay. I said I’d finish this and damn it, James is not going to beat me. Wrong choice of words. Christian tells his child abuse bedtime story to Ana, and still, still says it was all great because Mrs. Robinson gave him focus. I don’t . . . how . . . how does she manage to be so offensive on so many levels about so many things at one time?
Moving on. There’s a lot of blah, blah about how he saw Mrs. Robinson and she made a pass and he had a fucking epiphany and I don’t care. Christian is scared he’ll be a shitty father. I’m certain he’ll be a shitty father. The next morning Ana dresses all smutty so that maybe Edward, uh, Christian will have sex with her. And they get all touchy feely right in front of poor Mrs. Jones. Run, Mrs. Jones, run!
Christian says Ros is back from Taiwan and wait a second, I’m certain he said she was fired a few chapters ago. Nevermind, not going back to look. They go see the new house. Blah blah. They go have a picnic. Blah. Christian gets a call on the Elmo phone and finds out, oh noos, it was Mrs. Robinson’s ex that posted bail for Jack Hyde! Who gives a shit? Not me! He totally ruins the guy’s life (his face is in a hard line as he does this, btw), then it’s back to snuggie time with Ana. Soon they’re banging each other again in the meadow and her panties “disintegrate” (where do you get this underwear?) and pages go by, by, by. They talk about “demon seed” and in the same breath about how Ana really, really misses how Christian used to whack her around in the playroom.
Next, we’re back at the house, and Ana gets the urge to email Christian.
She does the whole submissive pose, and oh hooray, we are right back to the beginning again. My head hits the desk. End Chapter. Begin Epilogue. Crap in a hat.
OMG, James actually skips a few years. Ana is preggers again and . . . Christian is . . . just . . . this is at the top of the New York Times list. Bestseller. Sigh. Christian is whapping his heavily pregnant wife with a flogger and she’s going wild. You know – I get that some people like the pain thing. I don’t understand it, but whatever. But, um, she’s pregnant. I’m thinking flogging is probably not a good idea for fetuses. Just me, of course, what the hell do I know?
It gets worse. I’m starting to doubt the idea that there could be a loving force of good in this universe. After they’re done with the “kinky fuckery” Christian asks how his fetus daughter is and Ana says, dear God, she says “She likes sex already.”
Flashback over, we are back to Ana lying in the grass and Demon Child, who she names Teddy because she hates him, is being all cute and crap. Blah blah. And then . . . oh geez, why, why???? Okay. Teddy gets popsickle on his fingers so Ana puts his fingers in her mouth and sucks on them. Just wait. Then Christian puts his son’s fingers in his mouth and sucks on them too and just what the fuck is wrong with James? Seriously. There is something seriously wrong here. Please say she doesn’t have children.
One more flashback to Ana giving birth with an emergency C-section blah blah and finally Christian sets up a train set for Demon Child and THE END. Except NOT. There are still pages with words on them. First up, it’s Christian’s first Christmas with the Greys, told from the point of view of a four-year-old. It’s as fascinating as it sounds. Then we get two chapters of the first book from Christian’s point of view. Just what I always wanted, to see into the mind of a total creeper. I try to play along, keep reading, and then I get to the part where he has his people pull up a full background check on Ana and I just . . . I’m DONE. DONE, do you hear me? DONE! I skip to the end, and there’s a little note from James.
“That’s all. For now.” Good grief. She even ends it with a threat. But at least it ENDS. I’m going to have a drink. Or ten. Thank you for staying with me through this, however many of you actually made it. You guys are the best, and all get As. Meanwhile, I’m fucking retiring.
I have decided to preface the latest recap with an urgent appeal to Stephenie Meyer, writer of Twilight.
I want to apologize for saying your books are the most sucktastic books in the history of ever and for calling you a hack writer that can’t even spell her first name correctly. That was mean. I am truly sorry. For karma hath reared her ugly head, and hath brought from her fiery bosom Fifty Shades of Grey. In comparison, you are a fabulous writer, and your books are so awesome. I only have one request, and if you will just honor it I will never say bad stuff about Twilight again; in fact I will recommend it be nominated for a Pulitzer Prize. I want you to face off with E.L. James who has clearly stolen some of your material and somehow managed to both make it worse and make money off of it. You don’t have to sue her, although that would be cool. Just go to the media and start a shit storm about her and I will be ever so happy. Truly, that might make not just my day, but my entire life. I will never ask for anything ever, ever again so help me Edward.
Your Greatest Fan.
Okay. With that out of the way, we go back to our regularly scheduled snark already in progress. Chapter 11 brings us The Contract. All of it. Even three appendixes. I think she copied this off the internet somewhere. She even includes the bits that we read in the last chapter. It’s a big long mess of psychotic slavery legalese. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the terms warranty and buttplug in the same document before, but there’s a first time for everything. The only part of the contract we don’t see is the part where he tells her what she can and can’t eat, because Ana just can’t go there, you know.
Ana gets her Macbook (product placement presents!) from Christian. She reveals that she does not have an e-mail address. Just – I don’t – she’s a college student – how . . . nevermind. Well, Ana gets an email address; and readers, James just abuses the hell out of it. This chapter, and chapter 12, are filled with emails back and forth between Ana and Christian. It’s such an awesome plot device, that I think I’ll write some emails to E.L. James.
From: Christian Grey
To: EL James
Ms James, thank you for creating me in all my godliness, but did you have to make me such a fuckwad?
-Christian Grey, Master of the Universe
From: EL James
To: Christian Grey
Subject: You are Dreamy
Christian, I love you can I please have your babies?
E.L. “kiss kiss” James
From: Anastasia Steel
To: EL James
If I am your self-insert, then why did you make me so stupid? Are you going to kill me? Because so far my story is reading like a Lifetime movie.
Ana Bobana Steel
From: EL James
Subject: Listen to your inner goddess
I gave you three voices for advice, what more do you want?
EL “The Great” James
To: EL James
I hate you. Stop writing immediately.
As I said, there are a lot of idiotic fifth grade level emails back and forth as Ana and Christian negotiate the sex slave contract and Ana chuckles at “playful Christian”. Then, in a rare burst of intelligence that probably burns out a few synapses, she writes an email that she has seen enough and “it was nice knowing you.” And then she agonizes because he does not send an email back oh noos is he angry? Turns out, yes, cause HE SHOWS UP AT HER APARTMENT AND THIS IS NOT AT ALL INAPPROPRIATE.
Christian sexes her up and then she’s all puddy like and he leaves satisfied that he has screwed her into submission once again. Kate comes to check on her after he leaves, and Ana is in tears, because some part of her, deep down in that tiny unused part of her brain, knows that Christian is a freaked out maniac. But she ignores that part, and goes back to sending Christian email questions about the contract. He writes back in all “shouty” caps and intimidates her from a distance. She falls into a “troubled” sleep.
“He emailed me. I’m like a small, giddy child. And all the contract angst fades.” (Ch11 p155)
How is this girl not on a milk carton already?