Tag Archives: stock in God

Yes, Virginia, there is Devil Yoga

I have to thank List of X for this post.  He sent me a link to an article about a politician who thinks Yoga could “open individuals to Satan”.  That’s good, because you know how much Satan hates picking locks.  Haha, yeah I’m not kidding. In fact here’s the link.  It gets better.  This guy, E.W. Jackson, is actually the Virginia GOP candidate for lieutenant governor.

photo courtesy of politico.com and Satan

photo courtesy of politico.com and Satan

Let me take this moment, Virginians, to thank you for temporarily taking the place of Texas as stupidest state in the union.

I have to hand it to this guy.  He does insane really well.  So much so that quotes from his book (yes of course he wrote a book) Ten Commandments to an Extraordinary Life were pasted up on the conservative website The National Review.  When The National Review makes fun of you, that’s a bad sign, man.

Still, I thank him, because without him, I would still be ignorant of the Truth about Yoga.  Jackson says you should beware of “emptying yourself” with yoga.  I don’t think I’ve ever emptied myself with yoga. That sounds rather unsanitary.  Still, he warns against this because Satan “is happy to invade the empty vacuum of your soul and possess it.”  I think you’re a little confused there, buddy.  It’s not your soul that’s the empty vacuum, it’s your brain.

Beware: the Noo Noo will suck your soul.

Beware: the Noo Noo will suck your soul.

He adds “this is why people serve Satan without ever knowing it or deciding to.”  Really?  Does this mean I could be serving Satan right now?  With my Downward Dog?  Hey, Satan, check out my butt!

Jackson also thinks that “most people are dead spirits.”  That would be the voting public, right?  He might have a point there, especially if they vote for him.  I was intrigued by Mr. Jackson, so followed the link back to The National Review where Betsy Woodruff took delight in posting up these tidbits from this amazing book.  Thanks, Betsy, cause there’s even more fun to be had here.

He warns us that the end times are near, and I believe he might be right because he both managed to write a book and run for political office.  But a few more things have to happen first.  In his words “Part of what must happen during this period of great harvest for the kingdom of God is a massive wealth transfer. It is not going to happen by theft or governmental policy. It is going to happen supernaturally. Those invested in God’s market are going to reap a windfall. Make up your mind now to buy in.”

Benjamins from Heaven!

Benjamins from Heaven!

Wow.  I am excited, yet confused.  I mean, I certainly want to rake in the dough as it sayeth in the Bible, but I didn’t realize we could buy stock in God.  When is this wealth transfer taking place?  Silly me, I thought it already had, as 1 percent of our nation holds the majority of the wealth already.  Maybe he means that this wealth is going to be transferred to us poor people?  This makes sense, really, if you consider the Rapture.  Since so many wealthy people also believe themselves God’s elite, then maybe when they are yanked up into Heaven, all this money will just be layin’ around for us.  Don’t forget they’ll be leaving their Ralph Lauren duds as well.  We are going to be rich and stylin’, folks.

Satan, get thee behind me, cause I’m waitin’ for my windfall.  While you’re back there, can you tell me if my butt looks big in these yoga pants?

Alice

P.S. And another thing, Satan.  Please explain to me Mr. E.W. Jackson, because I’m fairly sure you have something to do with this moron.