BREAKING NEWS: EVERYTHING IS AWFUL!
According to reporters and randos on the internet, everything is awful. Penguins? Homeless. Kittens? Exploding. Mr. Rogers? Dead. Stay tuned to Catastrophe News for more
MAYBE DON’T WATCH / READ NEWS?
Some stupid blogger named Alice suggested that maybe people should stop watching and reading stories of warring politics and reports of death, disease, and mass destruction because it causes lots of anxiety. Pfft, say we journalists / news anchors.
Alice considers this a challenge and is not watching news or politics for the month of March. Can she do it? We doubt it! Check back soon to see if her mental health is even worse! Everyone in the newsroom is betting yes!
ARE DEAD DOGS VOTING IN ELECTIONS?
According to our source known as “Whiskers” dogs were caught committing voter fraud in the 2020 election. We must ask ourselves: Can we trust Champ Biden?
According to Newsmax, Champ is a very bad “junk yard dog” (see above picture of a dog kind of like Champ) but reporters from MSNBC say he is a good boi and loves everyone. Champ thinks kibble is great. (This was an actual story on both stations for reals).
MEDIA UNSURE HOW TO PROCEED
With our former president gone, a lot of news is now missing. So get ready for a quick summary. Covid Covid Covid. Vaccines. Racists still racist. Covid. Tiger Woods only man to ever have a car accident. Except the ones in these fiery explosions we found from past footage.
Some movie star tweeted something stupid and got fired. Covid. An avalance / earthquake / volcano / hurricane caused the deaths of millions (note to editor: please choose one before printing.)