Tag Archives: Stop writing James.

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Nine

I really liked your Kate and Ana Excellent Adventures, you guys.  Especially this one by TAE:

“My bet is they take C’s shiny car, drive around, start making out (in the car, in public or something), A gets grossed out, remembers poor C, and returns to give him a bj…am I right? Am I right?
I feel like I must be…”

It would certainly be more interesting than the book.   TAE also adds that “we should totally write some anti-fan fiction here.”  I like this idea.  A lot.  Except my book would be oh so short.  Bonus point anyway, TAE.

But back to the sad, sad reality that Ana’s adventure is a trip to the – take a guess A) Bar B) Bar C) AA meeting.  Nope, it’s not Alcoholics Anonymous, which leaves just alcohol.  Since Ana and Christian can’t be vampires, I think this is E.L. James’ solution.  They live on booze instead of blood.  Makes sense to me.  Except that neither of them is a fun drunk.  They’re just assholes all the time (Red Flag, FacePalm).

Every day is New Year’s for Christian and Ana.

We start with Ana waking up with Christian “wrapped around her like ivy” again.  (AliceScreams, WTF)  I don’t know about you, but this would freak me the hell out, especially considering he’s a fucking psycho.  Also, I’m sick of all the “wake up in each other’s arms after they – you know – wink, wink, giggle!” (AliceScreams)  We get it.  They boned each other (I don’t normally use this term for sex, but for these two, it is so appropriate) for the millionth time.  It’s okay to skip these little bits, really it is.

Christian and Ana in the afterlife (after someone kills them.)
Christian: Want to bone? (get it? Do you?)

Christipoo wants to bone her again but alas, he must get up and show off his bod, which is, like, naked you guyz and omg can you believe it that is so sexy and daring and what if her mom finds out omg! Ana says “It’s a mighty fine view, Mr. Grey” (AliceScreams, AlicePukes) meaning it’s a great view up his ass in case you were confused.  He can’t resist her cleverness, so he bones her (SexyTimes), but we don’t have to see it, whew.

Ana is so embarrassed to see Mrs. Jones at breakfast because, like, she kissed Taylor, which cracks me the hell up because yello, Mrs. Jones has to clean the butt juice off your butt plugs, Ana-kins (Ana Fail).  You don’t have room to talk.  And I can’t believe I said butt juice.  Combined with “bone, boned, boning” I am really going to get the freaks to this blog this time.  Christian points out that she didn’t eat yesterday.  So, like, AT ALL?  WTF with the anorexia fetish, E.L.? Stop it, stop it, stop it. (AliceRage)

Yes, we get it. Ana’s anorexic.
Which is clearly sexy, amIright?

Then they talk about Charlie Tango again (AliceScreams) and how Ana nearly, gulp, lost him and stop reminding me, E.L., that happened to be my favoritest part of the book before you made him all alive again and now you’re just making me Sad Pony, so stop it.  Stop writing.  Stop, stop, stop!

Ah, happy memories.
‘sob’

Sorry about that.  Where was I?  They talk about Christian’s gun, and how Christian doesn’t even know if a gun is loaded or not (WTF?) and then Ana drops this bombshell.  “Christian always brushes his teeth before breakfast.  I don’t know why.” (FacePalm)  Neither do I, Ana.  Holy fuck, is this a plot point?  Does Christian have bionic teeth, is THAT why he brushes them before breakfast?  Or does he just like the combo of toothpaste and “thirst-quenching, refreshing orange juice”?  I just don’t know.  Don’t leave us hanging with this mystery!

So they drive to work, and we get them talking on the way, because God forbid we ever skip anything pointless like a car ride. (BoredNow) Ana nags Christian to learn how to shoot but Christian refuses and Ana-kins, think about this.  He can kill you so many other ways.  Do you really want him to learn one more way to murder you?  Cause I do.  Way to go.  Keep at him, Ana! (AnaFail)

Christian’s gun.

Finally, she’s at work, but we skip most of that because – EMAIL! (AliceScreams)

Why don’t you do this crap to Squirrel, Alice?

So they email flirt about guns and threats of retribution and other romantic crap (BoredNow) and then Christian calls her to tell her he arrived at wherever he was going for his super-de-businessy businessman trip and Ana says she and Kate are going to screw an entire hockey team, then each other, then a pony (not Sad Pony, he has standards) then a toaster, then a football team and their cheerleading squad, and then go get a few drinks.  Just kidding, she just says she and her friend are going out for drinks, so of course Christipoo is super pissed cause omg she might be in danger if she goes out!  Plus, she’d be exercising, like, free will and shit.  Can’t have that. (RedFlag) He tells her to “do as she’s told” and then follows up with an email that says “do as you’re told” in case she didn’t get it the first time. (RedFlag)  Gosh, I lurrve this guy.

And then boom, Ana’s all done with work!  No need to hear about the coloring pages, cause it’s time for her to go see her friend while “a huge chunk of her is missing” because Christian is gone. (FacePalm)  Which chunk of you did he take with him, Ana?  Was it your pickled liver?  A kidney?  We know it can’t be a brain or a spine.  Does he keep parts of you in an ice chest close to his heart?  Just curious, there.  Kate shows up and Ana says I can’t go out for drinks and Kate says please so Ana says okay because she bends like a reed at the slightest sneeze. (AnaFail) Our heroine.  She’s so dead.  Can’t wait!

Which chunk of Ana did Christian take?

Ana and Kate ignore security and go a-drinkin’ and Kate tells Ana all this security crap that Christian is keeping from her and I forget what it is because it’s freaking stupid and I don’t care. (BoredNow)  Kate tells Ana she looks super confident cause she’s married (and who wouldn’t be, amIright?) and Ana thinks about how she’s married the man of her dreams who is probably waiting at the apartment to kill her with a butcher knife cause he’s anti-gun, ya know. (FacePalm, RedFlag)

She finds out she’s missed five calls from Mr. Dreamy and one email . . .(AliceScreams)

I hate you, Alice.

That says “Do you have any idea how mad I am at the moment?  See you tomorrow.”  (RedFlag) Bwahahaha.  Ana, if you get home and all the towels are lined up just so, get the fuck out.  I’m telling you, Julia Roberts told me all about it and you don’t want to go there.  On second thought, go ahead.  Let’s see what happens.

Ana gets home and realizes something isn’t right, and I’m thinking – towels – but it turns out that some flower vases are smashed so the Scooby Security Squad goes into Code Blue, which I kinda thought was when someone was crashing in a hospital, but whatever, and it turns out that dum dum dummmm – they’ve caught Jack Hyde! (BoredNow, FacePalm)  End chapter.

Final Score: 100 – 44 120 = – 64
An improvement - but still in the minus.Sad.

An improvement – but still in the minus.
Sad.

pop quiz

Question Nine:

After finding out an armed Jack Hyde has broken into his apartment, Christian naturally decides to:

A) Get better security for his apartment.  He hires Leila, since she’s obviously better at knowing all the entry points and security codes than his current Scooby Security Force.

B) Beat the shit out of Ana for disobeying his order not to leave the apartment to have drinks with a friend the very night an armed gunman broke into the apartment intent on kidnapping her.

C) Shoot Jack, shoot Ana, then shoot himself.

But WAIT, there’s more!  Faithhopechocolate has jumped up to Valedictorian!  Storkhunter and GiggsMcGill Jill are tied for Salutatorian!  And Miss Four Eyes is in fourth place and so very close.  Sad Pony has his hoof over my head, and says, not close enough.  We must be fair though.  Here’s our roll call.

Roll Call!

faithhopechocolate 24 + 5 = 29

Storkhunter 28

GiggsMcGill Jill 24 + 4 = 28

MissFourEyes 20 + 2 = 22

Ravinj 19 + 1 = 20

Speaker7 19 + 1 = 20

Carrie Rubin  17 + 2 = 19

Lesbiannextdoor 11

Love and Lunchmeat 9

Doggy’s Style  5 + 2 = 7

The Bumble Files 6

Jemmy 6

Angel Fractured 5

StetotheJ 5

TAE 1 + 3 + 1  = 5

Ruby Tuesday 4

Jen and Tonic 4

Womanmdsguide 2

Lovelifelaundry 2

Lulu Stark 2

SueOctober 1

Madame Weebles 1

Society Red 1

prttypnk 1