Dear Blunt Life Coach,
I have some bad news. I think it’s over between us. Yes, you are ever so hot in that storm trooper armor. And I do love how you are, well, blunt with people. Sometimes they need that. Especially stupid people.
But here’s the thing. Not everyone is stupid! Also, it seems like there should be some way to be assertive, but not mean. Cause while I might be a little on the mad side, Blunt Life Coach, you’re just – well you’re just mean. You’re mean to a good friend of mine especially, twindaddy.
Twindaddy is a good guy. He loves his kids. And that’s cool, not wimpy. He cares about people, especially his friends. That’s not a weakness as you say. It’s a strength. The truth is, Blunt Life Coach, you are a bully. Forgive me while I quote Taylor Swift. It’s from her song “Mean” not “We’re never, ever getting back together” though that one applies too.
I bet you got pushed around
Somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now
Cause you don’t know, what you don’t know
What don’t you know? You don’t know that twindaddy grows stronger with the Force. He’s not going to listen to you so much anymore. Oh, you’ll still be there, in the background, snapping at him, putting him down. But he knows better now. And I think he’s strong enough to keep you at bay.
We all have one of you in our heads. That voice that says we’re not good enough, that we’re stupid, that we should just give up. Maybe that voice sounds like a parent, or an ex, or some kid on the playground back in school, or a cat whose body keeps disappearing (I will GET you, Cheshire Cat!) Whoever it sounds like, we can’t let it bring us down. We can’t let it become our voice, so that we put down everyone else. There must be, well, balance to our Force.
So that’s a lot to say, well, we are over. And never, ever gettin’ back togetherrrrr! Stick that song in your head, dear twindaddy, and I’m sure Blunt Life Coach will be heading for the hills. If not, I have another solution. You see, there is a new love in my life. I think you know him.
HK-47 is an awesome boyfriend. I can program him to be my boyfriend, you know. Best of all, he comes with some pretty cool programming of his own. He kills annoying people. I’m thinking, since he’s in a video game, that means he can kill virtual people quite easily. Like you, Blunt Life Coach. So here’s the deal. Leave twindaddy alone, or I’m sending him after you.
See ya, you meanie,
Great news, sparkleponies! The other day, I managed to corner Blunt Life Coach and score an interview! If you don’t know who Blunt Life Coach (BLC) is, you need to check out twindaddy’s blog. He’s just awesome is all, and, well, we sort of have like this romance going on with our alternate personalities. But I don’t want to give away too much. On with the interview!
Alice: So, BLC, how long have you been hangin’ out in TD’s body?
BLC: Too long. I can’t tell you for sure, because the mind blocks out tragedies for self-preservation purposes, but I started becoming very aware in the past year and asserting more of myself over that lame piece of shit.
Alice: Why do you think TD is lame? I think he’s nice.
BLC: He’s a pussy. He let’s people walk all over him. And he…loves people. Fuck that.
Alice: Ah, good point. People are highly overrated. How do you handle being the hotter half of TD?
BLC: With grace and dignity. Plus, he’s a loser so I don’t have to worry about it.
Alice: Because you are hot.
BLC: You’re being weird again. What’s wrong with you?
Alice: I’m mad, why do you ask? Moving on. What do you do while you are actively controlling TD’s body?
BLC: Insult inferior people, which is almost everybody. It’s why I took up an advice column. With great intelligence comes great responsibility. I feel it is my duty to try to educate idiots.
Alice: And you do it so well. Could you educate me?
BLC: You’re mad, I don’t think there’s any hope for you.
Alice: Sure there is. I might need discipline. Got a paddle?
BLC: I have a blaster. And it’s not set on stun. Hint, hint.
Alice: Oooh, that’s an impressive blaster there. Where do you get all your cool storm trooper gear?
BLC: It’s standard issue. Is there a more competent interrogator somewhere? These questions suck.
Alice: Oh, I thought it was Pier One. Nevermind! What date would you like to set the wedding? Does Darth Vadar officiate for weddings?
BLC: *waves hand* This isn’t the trooper you’re looking for.
Alice: Hmm, you’re right, Wonderland would be a better choice of venue. The Queen of Hearts could do the honors. Watch out for you head. Oh – the interview. Um, do you have any family BLC?
BLC: Wonder what? No, I don’t have family. I’m a personality trapped in a fool’s body. How would I have a family.
Alice: He might have a family of voices in his head. It could happen. Don’t you worry, though, we’ll have lots of babies. At least a dozen.
BLC: Twindaddy is finished having children, and this is one thing we agree on. Besides, I’m in HIS body and don’t forget you’d have to do….that. Wait. Why am I even discussing this? Go away. You’re a freak.
Alice: Why, thank you! I guess that’s all the questions I have for today. Except – when are you going to post another advice column? There are so many stupid people out there. They need your help.
BLC: Every time I try Twindaddy gets drunk and I lose my focus. The little fucker is getting adept at thwarting me again.
Alice: Well, keep at it, trooper. The world needs you.
BLC: Whoa. You’re being…not freaky. I’m not sure how to respond to that.
At this point, BLC made a break for it. I will catch him later. Mwah! Anyway, let’s hope he comes back to stuphblog soon. You have questions? He’ll have answers. If he ever stops running.
Hello, all. Today I’ve got a guest blogger from a galaxy far, far away. You can find him these days on Stuphblog. His name is Twindaddy, and he is the best storm trooper blogger I have ever met. This guy has blogged under some extreme conditions, but today he’s gone somewhere no trooper has gone before – Wonderland. He has written an awesome short story that will be featured in two parts. Part Two will appear here on Saturday.
When you’re done here, be sure to check out his awesome blog – there’s a lot of cool stuph™ to be found! Without further ado, I give you a Storm Trooper in Wonderland . . .
“Dantooine. They’re on Dantooine.”
Dantooine. I’d never heard of this planet before. Yet here I am on this desolate world. There is allegedly a rebel base located on this world according to ISB. And that’s why we’re here. To find this base.
Let’s be honest, there’s no rebel base here. If there were they would have fled the planet as soon as we arrived in system. The rebels always run and hide. Always. They wouldn’t hunker down and wait for us to find them. They’re scared of us, as well they should be. What an epic waste of time this is.
The world seems pleasant enough, though. Dantooine is a terrestrial world filled with grassy plains, winding rivers, and beautiful lakes. This even seems like a pleasant enough world to take a vacation on. You know, if we stormtroopers were actually allowed to have vacations. Sometimes I think they see us as machines. Like droids. We’re human, though. As human as we can be after all that training.
It’s just after sunrise here. The local sun, Dina, has just crested over the eastern horizon, illuminating the dark-colored clouds in the sky and casting long shadows behind every object.
I have no idea what part of the planet I’m on. My commander just deployed me here via shuttle and ordered me to search for the secret base. I’m sure it’s out here in plain view for me to find. That was sarcasm if you couldn’t tell. Why are my commanders always so incompetent?
I began walking towards the tree ahead of me with the unusually large trunk when I heard a voice. An odd voice. It was a high-pitched voice, yet raspy at the same time. I froze and concentrated on the voice and tried to make out what it was saying. The voice progressively grew louder until I could clearly understand the spoken words.
“I’m late! I’m late!” the squeaky voice exclaimed as a weird creature came scurrying from behind me. I was startled, but managed not to jump out of my armor, because I’m just that good.
I studied the creature that had just ran right by me: an extremely small creature, with short white fur, and two long ears protruding from its tiny head. It was carrying some sort of chronometer in its hand and was attired in the oddest ensemble. It had some sort of red jacket overtop a dark yellow shirt. It was wearing grey pants with a white fluffy ball sticking out of its rear-end. Weird. And no shoes whatsoever. To say the least, I was mildly intrigued.
Curious, I followed the creature. As I was completely sure there were no rebels on this seemingly uninhabited planet, this might turn out to be the most interesting thing I see while I’m here. I figured I may as well see where it leads me. I had to maintain a brisk jog to keep pace with this creature, but that was no problem for me. As a warrior for the Empire, I’m in excellent physical shape. The creature passed by the fat tree and turned toward the rocky outcropping to the left. What it was heading for I did not know, yet I felt compelled to follow it.
After jogging behind it for a few hundred more meters along this rocking outcropping, it became clear that we were heading for a cave embedded into the outcropping up ahead. The creature never slowed or quickened its pace, but kept saying it was late over and over again. It also seemed oblivious to the fact that I was following it.
When it reached the cave it entered without hesitation. My curiosity now piqued, I followed carelessly through the cave’s entrance.
Big mistake. Big mistake indeed.
Just a few steps inside this dark cavern the floor disappeared. Maybe it was never there to begin with, but it certainly looked like the rocky ground was still there when I attempted my next step. Before I knew it or was ready for it, I was free-falling.
How stupid of me. I can’t believe I was so heedless as to just run right into an unknown situation. I know better. I was trained to avoid just this situation. Caution, caution, caution! I can’t believe I did this. I’m going to die because I’m stupid.
While all of this was going through my head, I failed to notice that I hadn’t found the bottom of this pit yet. When that stark realization snapped me back to reality, I looked down and saw the last thing I expected to see at the bottom of this cave I was plunging through.
A lit, finished floor.
Unbelievably, the closer I got to the floor below, the slower my descent became. I eventually landed gently on my feet, like a feather landing gracefully on the ground. All I could think was, “Whoa, that was weird.”
I slowly took stock of my situation. I still had my armor and I still had my blaster. I checked my utility belt and found what I hoped was still there. My comlink. I yanked it from my belt and began to speak into it.
“SB1977 to command. Do you read me over?” No response. I tried a couple more times to reach my commander, but to no avail. I brought the comlink up to try a fourth time when I heard a disturbingly sinister laugh echoing from somewhere beyond the edge of the light.
“That won’t work in here,” a haunting voice said.
I quickly brought my blaster up in both hands, ready to fire on any threat to my safety. “Who goes there?” I loudly asked.
Suddenly the edge of the light extended off to my right, illuminating a green door stuck between open, red curtains. The door had a golden knob on its right side with eyes above the knob and a keyhole doubling as a mouth below it. The knob seemed to be the nose of the most bizarre creature I had ever seen before.
I walked toward the door. Instead of the door growing larger as I approached, it actually became smaller. The knob’s eyes seemed to be following me as I moved toward it.
“Did you say something to me?” I asked it. Then, the absurd realization of what I had just done hit me like the shockwave from a thermal detonator blast. I just spoke to a kriffing door. Great, Drun. Just great. What will you do for your next trick?
The knob seemed to regard me, then its mouth began moving. “I said, ‘That won’t work in here.'”
I was so shocked and taken aback that I nearly soiled myself. A doorknob had just spoken to me. What is going on here?
“If you want to get through, you’ll have to use that key,” it continued, gesturing to its right (my left) with its creepy eyes.
I followed its gaze to my left and saw a table sitting there. On the table sat three items: a white cake, a blue bottle, and a golden key.
I looked back to the door. “How do I get through?”
It smirked. The door actually smirked. This is insane. “That’s for you to figure out,” it told me.
I raised my blaster and carefully aimed it at the door knob. “Look, whatever you are, I am a trooper for the Empire and you will tell me what I need to know or I’ll blast you!”
“Oh, that’s not how this…”
I had enough. That was all the knob could spit out before I angrily pulled the trigger and forever silenced it. As an added bonus, the door flew open. The doorway, however was too small for me to fit through. I walked over to the table and inspected the items it held. The key was now useless, so I ignored it. The bottle had a label on it that said “drink me.” Next to it was a cake that had “eat me” written into the frosting. After a short, juvenile chuckle at having just read the words “eat me” emblazoned on a cake, I decided to take a bite of the cake. I removed my helmet and took a small bite of the white cake.
A most puzzling thing then happened. Everything suddenly began to shrink. Then, I realized that it was me who was getting larger and not everything else getting smaller. Sithspit! What is going on?
My head hit the ceiling. Wait, there’s a ceiling in here? How did I get in here if there’s a ceiling? Smacking my head against the ceiling didn’t hurt, but it wasn’t exactly a gentle bump, either. Luckily, I stopped growing once my head hit the ceiling or else things would have become even more unpleasant.
The cake was an utter failure, so I decided to try the bottle. I figured that if the cake made me bigger, then hopefully the bottle would make my smaller. I lifted the now miniscule bottle up to my waiting mouth, which was no easy task considering the bottle was about the size of one of my fingernails now, and dumped its contents into my biggest orifice. My mouth.
Very quickly, everything became huge as I shrunk to the size of the door in what seemed like a heartbeat. It wasn’t gradual like eating the cake had been. I looked all around. Everything was huge now, except for the door, which was now just the right size. I took a step toward the door only to have my foot bang into some inanimate object I hadn’t noticed was there. I looked down and saw my helmet lying there in front of me. Somehow, it had shrunk, too. Not daring to question my good fortune in that regard, I picked it up and placed it back over my precious skull. Well, it’s precious to me, anyhow.
With no other reason to stay, I continued through the door, completely unprepared for what lay on the other side.