This week on “Strange Addictions”, we get a lady eating beauty products, and a guy using plastic surgery to look like Justin Bieber. I’m not sure which one is worse. You can’t make this crap up.
First up, we have Brittoni, a lady who is a little confused about how makeup works. Instead of putting it, say, on her face, she eats it. She prefers eye shadow, but you know, it has to taste right. Naturally. So she goes to the store and shakes a little out and licks it to see if it is her flavor. No reason to waste money on makeup that doesn’t taste good, am I right? I’m never going to look at eye shadow quite the same way again.
She decides to “come out” to her family, but here’s the kicker. Mom and sister and she have this family tradition of making donuts and sprinkling baby powder on them. When I first heard this, I thought I’d heard incorrectly. Like, oh, that was powdered sugar, right? Nopes. We’re talking that stuff you’re supposed to be putting on a baby’s bum.
So the girl tells her family that she eats makeup, and they are totally understanding, cause they are eating baby powder donuts. Just kidding. They both act horribly shocked!. Sister says “That is weird” as she takes another bite of a donut sprinkled with a Johnson & Johnson product. Just – what? They’re talking to her about how unhealthy this habit is, and how can she do this, – but – the donuts. And the baby powder. Lady, you’re holding the baby powder in your hand while talking to your daughter and I just . . . nevermind.
She goes to the doctor at their suggestion (they are totes fine with their chemical laced donuts) and the doctor, not surprisingly, tells her eating makeup is not a good idea. What gets me, though, is there’s no – hey, let’s figure out WHY you are eating makeup. Either the girl has a nutritional deficiency major time, or she’s nuts, or maybe both, but – don’t just send her off with a warning. I mean – I just – nevermind.
The girl does go on to quit her eye shadow addiction. I’m guessing the baby powder donuts continue, though, cause totes normal.
Next, we have Toby, a guy in his thirties who has been spending years and huge amounts of money to make himself look like . . . Justin Bieber. Now, I think it’s kind of stupid to try to make yourself look like any pop star or actor but, really, Justin Bieber? Couldn’t he at least have gone for someone with a little more testosterone? Heck, Michael Bolton would be a better choice, dude, and his voice is higher than mine.
But this guy is convinced that Justin is the picture of gorgeous and youthful, and he wants to be just like him. I just don’t get it. To me, Justin Bieber looks like a twelve-year-old who cuts his hair with a bowl. Yet this guy is willing to go under the knife multiple times to completely reshape his face to resemble Justin’s. Be afraid, Justin. You just think being arrested is tough. Wait till this guy finds you.
He’s had operations I’ve never even heard of – forehead lifts, eyebrow lifts, hairline moved forward, nose jobs, chin reduction and implants, and holy cow who the hell does this? TLC shows the before and afters and – frankly, our Toby looked better BEFORE he started all this stuff. Which is not all that difficult.
He goes out to find more “Justin” like clothes, and tries to get people to guess who he looks like. They don’t have a clue. Undaunted, he says “Justin Bieber!” and they just blink. Good grief. He’s spent this much money, and he still doesn’t really resemble a guy he shouldn’t be trying to look like in the first place. That is really, really sad.
He next goes to a plastic surgeon who is slightly concerned about all these surgeries he’s had, especially since TLC is there filming him. When he suggests the dude invest his money in psychiatry (boy I hope he has savings), Toby just walks off. He’ll just go to another plastic surgeon! He doesn’t need help! Nopes! Totally fine.
I wonder if the people on this show ever meet each other and then get together. Maybelline girl and Bieber boy. Wouldn’t that be a match made in Hell?
Good news, or bad, depending on how you look at it. I happened to catch “Strange Addictions” when it randomly showed up Tuesday night. This episode? People who want to be dolls. Now, you know a show is really bad when this sounds incredibly normal. I haven’t watched all of these – some are just clips or commercials – but so far they’ve covered people who eat:
And then there’s the people who have relationships with inanimate objects such as:
baby dolls they treat like real babies
Speaking of babies, there’s also the people who like to actually BE babies, complete with sleeping in a crib and, yes, wearing diapers. I don’t even . . . anyway, so when I heard living dolls, I was like, aw, that’s not so bad. I mean as long as they can distinguish fantasy from reality and . . . oh . . . nevermind.
First up is Ken, a fitting name since the guy wants to actually be a Ken doll. I can’t imagine why any guy would want this. I can’t even imagine why Barbie would want him. He’s boring, he’s generic, he has no reproductive parts, and he’s made of plastic. But, turns out, that’s what Ken really likes about him! Yay!
Ken has had 25 plastic surgeries, and he looks like he’s still in his twenties. Nose jobs, eyebrow lifts (he has a perpetual look of surprise), pectoral implants (I didn’t realize these existed except on Batman Halloween costumes) and so on. TLC films him visiting another plastic surgeon who, after hearing he’s had 25 surgeries and wants more, looks at him kind of like this.
But it gets weirder, guys! See he not only wants these implants, he designs the suckers. He’s an artist! So he designs the silicone he wants stuck under his skin in a surgical operation. Personally, I think the guy’s had too much anesthesia. So does the surgeon. He says “You want this ideal . . . but it’s of a cartoon.” Ken just says, nanner, I’ll find someone else, and goes back to his dream house. Or something.
Next up is Emily. She wants to be a doll too, but not a Barbie, that was another show. (Like duh!) She wants to be some kind of rag doll type thing only with a wig and tall stockings and . . . the best I can come up with is Pedo dressing. Cause you look like a little girl, but you’re not, so it’s okay, only it’s still kind of gross. Or something. It’s a big thing in Japan, and apparently there is anime that uses this theme and . . . to be honest I don’t know that much about Japanese culture. Except that these guys are probably the only country that can rival us in terms of outright weird.
You know, if she just say wore this stuff at home in her spare time, whatevs. People do all sorts of unusual stuff in their spare time, like reenacting the Civil War, or Medieval Times, or taking selfies for Facebook. But this girl is tired of being in the closet, and wants everyone to accept her for who she is. Noble intentions there, Emily, but somehow going job hunting dressed like that is really not the way to go. The sad part of it is that she wants to be a doll because she doesn’t like herself as she is normally. Ken liked himself a bit too much, but her not enough.
And then we have Venus. No, that’s really her name. She is sixteen, so dressing up like a doll is not quite as bizarre, cause she’s at least a little closer to actual childhood. Shut up, this reasoning makes me feel better. Anyway, what is odd is that her mother is very supportive of this, to the point that she spends a lot of money filming the kid for Youtube, where she is a famous star. Granted, Muffy the kitten who plays with string is also a famous Youtube star, but I digress. This girl has fans. Who ask her to sign autographs, and talk about how she inspires them. By – being a doll? I’m not getting it. On the plus side, she did get to go to Japan and be a model for their dolly clothing line, so at least she’s getting paid for being weird.
So that was this week’s episode. Dolls. Bonus if you caught that they were playing the theme to the Sims in the background. Next week? People who eat make-up. I wonder if they prefer Cover Girl or Maybelline.
So what do you guys think? Is dressing up like a doll weird or no? Let me know in the comments section. Do you do weird stuff when no one is looking? Nevermind, I don’t want to know.
So I checked the TLC poll again, and not counting that crazy book idea (I did make it through part of Ladies Home Journal), “Strange Addictions” won followed by “Sex Sent Me to the ER”. TLC has the most screwed up schedule ever, which fits with the programming but makes it hard to keep up with. Instead of, say, having an episode at the same time each week, they have multiple episodes of the same show. So basically the line up can look like this:
7:00: Cake Boss
8:00: Cake Boss
9:00: Cake Boss
10:00: More Cake Boss
11:00: Even more freaking Cake Boss
11:30: How do this many cakes exist?
What this means is it’s hard to catch when the shows are on. But I did manage to catch “Sex Sent Me to the ER”, so I figured, why not cover that and “Strange Addictions”? I did not consult my brain in this matter.
“Sex Sent Me to the ER” (on first writing I wrote “Sex in the ER”, which is a totally different show. It’s called “Grey’s Anatomy”) airs late Saturday night. I ended up missing bits here and there – it might have been my synapses snapping. But it’s pretty easy to get the gist of things. Sex. Injury. E.R. Maybe they should make teenagers watch this show to prevent pregnancies.
The first idiot is a musician with sideburns from the 60s. I hate him already. He brags about how wild his sex life with his girlfriend is, and to show this, TLC has the bottom of a bed bouncing up and down and making pictures fall from the ceiling. Ah, so this is like 50 Shades sex. I get it. If only Ana and Christian had ended up in the E.R. But I digress.
So they are making the whoopie and he has a huge orgasm and as a bonus, a stroke! The fun thing is, he’s too stupid to realize this. He can hardly move his left side, but figures, hey, pinched nerve. Yeah, um, that’s one hell of a nerve you have there, man. He puts off going to the hospital until he’s unable to play his guitar (the horror). Finally he and girlfriend arrive at the ER and the receptionist asks how he injured himself.
Cue sad trombone: wah wah waaaaaaaaah.
He says “Having sex. It happened during an orgasm. It was a doozy!” The woman looks at him the same way I would, like she’d like to injure his other side. He gets examined, and the doctor says he had a stroke even though he’s only 40. The fact that he has smoked since he was NINE combined with bouncy sex resulted in a blood clot getting dislodged. Remember that, kids. Sex = stroke.
Next up, “the 400 pound virgin” (they actually title the different segments this way – haha witty TLC!) finally gets a girl. A rather tiny girl, so I’m imagining all sorts of possibilities here. Does she get trapped in the rolls of skin? Is she literally smashed into the bedsheets? Does she suffocate? Turns out, none of the above. He merely pushes her head through the wall.
At first he’s afraid he’s killed her. They show the real couple laughing about it. Haha, remember that time you nearly accidentally murdered me? Oh, fun times. But she’s alive, just a little out of it, since she asks him why he stopped. Um. There’s sheet rock in your hair, lady.
They go to the ER. She has a concussion, but prospects are good since she doesn’t seem like a mental giant anyway. The guy went on to lose a lot of weight since that encounter. Maybe he was motivated by the girl saying no more nookie until you stop using me as a jackhammer.
Finally, we have the guy with the fractured penis. Neat fact: There are no bones in a penis, but you can still fracture it! And it apparently hurts like hell! Go figure. He’s there with his girlfriend while the doctor examines him and then dun dun dun – who comes in the room but his wife?
Cute sad trombone: wah wah waaaaaah
But it’s okay, because they all know each other and everything. Apparently the whole thing happened because the guy and the girlfriend were getting it on in the laundry room when the wife decided to join in. Then things went awry. An ironing board landed smack on his peen and made a major ouchie, resulting in the trip to the ER.
Surgeon General’s Warning: Three-ways in laundry rooms may result in fractured penises.
Anyway, while the girlfriend and the wife know each other, they don’t always like each other, judging by how quickly they get in a drop down, drag out fight right there in the ER. A wig is yanked off. This is like an episode of Jerry Springer, only with less class. They break up the fight, and the husband tells them to make up. They do – by making out. This is uncomfortable enough for everyone, even the husband who gets excited which is a bad thing with a broken manhood. But it gets worse: Wife bites girlfriend’s tongue, resulting in another injury. Oops.
The doctor is working with a medical student who at this point is probably reconsidering her career. The wife suggests they just put the penis in a splint and be done with it, but apparently it’s a wee bit more complicated than that. It involves surgery, which still would have to be better than walking around with a stick attached to your, well, anyway.
The show finally ends, or I guess it did, since I missed the last few minutes because snore. But there is your recap, and I do hope, like the medical student, you have learned some valuable lessons. Don’t have sex. Like, ever.