So I checked the TLC poll again, and not counting that crazy book idea (I did make it through part of Ladies Home Journal), “Strange Addictions” won followed by “Sex Sent Me to the ER”. TLC has the most screwed up schedule ever, which fits with the programming but makes it hard to keep up with. Instead of, say, having an episode at the same time each week, they have multiple episodes of the same show. So basically the line up can look like this:
7:00: Cake Boss
8:00: Cake Boss
9:00: Cake Boss
10:00: More Cake Boss
11:00: Even more freaking Cake Boss
11:30: How do this many cakes exist?
What this means is it’s hard to catch when the shows are on. But I did manage to catch “Sex Sent Me to the ER”, so I figured, why not cover that and “Strange Addictions”? I did not consult my brain in this matter.
“Sex Sent Me to the ER” (on first writing I wrote “Sex in the ER”, which is a totally different show. It’s called “Grey’s Anatomy”) airs late Saturday night. I ended up missing bits here and there – it might have been my synapses snapping. But it’s pretty easy to get the gist of things. Sex. Injury. E.R. Maybe they should make teenagers watch this show to prevent pregnancies.
The first idiot is a musician with sideburns from the 60s. I hate him already. He brags about how wild his sex life with his girlfriend is, and to show this, TLC has the bottom of a bed bouncing up and down and making pictures fall from the ceiling. Ah, so this is like 50 Shades sex. I get it. If only Ana and Christian had ended up in the E.R. But I digress.
So they are making the whoopie and he has a huge orgasm and as a bonus, a stroke! The fun thing is, he’s too stupid to realize this. He can hardly move his left side, but figures, hey, pinched nerve. Yeah, um, that’s one hell of a nerve you have there, man. He puts off going to the hospital until he’s unable to play his guitar (the horror). Finally he and girlfriend arrive at the ER and the receptionist asks how he injured himself.
Cue sad trombone: wah wah waaaaaaaaah.
He says “Having sex. It happened during an orgasm. It was a doozy!” The woman looks at him the same way I would, like she’d like to injure his other side. He gets examined, and the doctor says he had a stroke even though he’s only 40. The fact that he has smoked since he was NINE combined with bouncy sex resulted in a blood clot getting dislodged. Remember that, kids. Sex = stroke.
Next up, “the 400 pound virgin” (they actually title the different segments this way – haha witty TLC!) finally gets a girl. A rather tiny girl, so I’m imagining all sorts of possibilities here. Does she get trapped in the rolls of skin? Is she literally smashed into the bedsheets? Does she suffocate? Turns out, none of the above. He merely pushes her head through the wall.
At first he’s afraid he’s killed her. They show the real couple laughing about it. Haha, remember that time you nearly accidentally murdered me? Oh, fun times. But she’s alive, just a little out of it, since she asks him why he stopped. Um. There’s sheet rock in your hair, lady.
They go to the ER. She has a concussion, but prospects are good since she doesn’t seem like a mental giant anyway. The guy went on to lose a lot of weight since that encounter. Maybe he was motivated by the girl saying no more nookie until you stop using me as a jackhammer.
Finally, we have the guy with the fractured penis. Neat fact: There are no bones in a penis, but you can still fracture it! And it apparently hurts like hell! Go figure. He’s there with his girlfriend while the doctor examines him and then dun dun dun – who comes in the room but his wife?
Cute sad trombone: wah wah waaaaaah
But it’s okay, because they all know each other and everything. Apparently the whole thing happened because the guy and the girlfriend were getting it on in the laundry room when the wife decided to join in. Then things went awry. An ironing board landed smack on his peen and made a major ouchie, resulting in the trip to the ER.
Surgeon General’s Warning: Three-ways in laundry rooms may result in fractured penises.
Anyway, while the girlfriend and the wife know each other, they don’t always like each other, judging by how quickly they get in a drop down, drag out fight right there in the ER. A wig is yanked off. This is like an episode of Jerry Springer, only with less class. They break up the fight, and the husband tells them to make up. They do – by making out. This is uncomfortable enough for everyone, even the husband who gets excited which is a bad thing with a broken manhood. But it gets worse: Wife bites girlfriend’s tongue, resulting in another injury. Oops.
The doctor is working with a medical student who at this point is probably reconsidering her career. The wife suggests they just put the penis in a splint and be done with it, but apparently it’s a wee bit more complicated than that. It involves surgery, which still would have to be better than walking around with a stick attached to your, well, anyway.
The show finally ends, or I guess it did, since I missed the last few minutes because snore. But there is your recap, and I do hope, like the medical student, you have learned some valuable lessons. Don’t have sex. Like, ever.
Great news, sparkleponies! The other day, I managed to corner Blunt Life Coach and score an interview! If you don’t know who Blunt Life Coach (BLC) is, you need to check out twindaddy’s blog. He’s just awesome is all, and, well, we sort of have like this romance going on with our alternate personalities. But I don’t want to give away too much. On with the interview!
Alice: So, BLC, how long have you been hangin’ out in TD’s body?
BLC: Too long. I can’t tell you for sure, because the mind blocks out tragedies for self-preservation purposes, but I started becoming very aware in the past year and asserting more of myself over that lame piece of shit.
Alice: Why do you think TD is lame? I think he’s nice.
BLC: He’s a pussy. He let’s people walk all over him. And he…loves people. Fuck that.
Alice: Ah, good point. People are highly overrated. How do you handle being the hotter half of TD?
BLC: With grace and dignity. Plus, he’s a loser so I don’t have to worry about it.
Alice: Because you are hot.
BLC: You’re being weird again. What’s wrong with you?
Alice: I’m mad, why do you ask? Moving on. What do you do while you are actively controlling TD’s body?
BLC: Insult inferior people, which is almost everybody. It’s why I took up an advice column. With great intelligence comes great responsibility. I feel it is my duty to try to educate idiots.
Alice: And you do it so well. Could you educate me?
BLC: You’re mad, I don’t think there’s any hope for you.
Alice: Sure there is. I might need discipline. Got a paddle?
BLC: I have a blaster. And it’s not set on stun. Hint, hint.
Alice: Oooh, that’s an impressive blaster there. Where do you get all your cool storm trooper gear?
BLC: It’s standard issue. Is there a more competent interrogator somewhere? These questions suck.
Alice: Oh, I thought it was Pier One. Nevermind! What date would you like to set the wedding? Does Darth Vadar officiate for weddings?
BLC: *waves hand* This isn’t the trooper you’re looking for.
Alice: Hmm, you’re right, Wonderland would be a better choice of venue. The Queen of Hearts could do the honors. Watch out for you head. Oh – the interview. Um, do you have any family BLC?
BLC: Wonder what? No, I don’t have family. I’m a personality trapped in a fool’s body. How would I have a family.
Alice: He might have a family of voices in his head. It could happen. Don’t you worry, though, we’ll have lots of babies. At least a dozen.
BLC: Twindaddy is finished having children, and this is one thing we agree on. Besides, I’m in HIS body and don’t forget you’d have to do….that. Wait. Why am I even discussing this? Go away. You’re a freak.
Alice: Why, thank you! I guess that’s all the questions I have for today. Except – when are you going to post another advice column? There are so many stupid people out there. They need your help.
BLC: Every time I try Twindaddy gets drunk and I lose my focus. The little fucker is getting adept at thwarting me again.
Alice: Well, keep at it, trooper. The world needs you.
BLC: Whoa. You’re being…not freaky. I’m not sure how to respond to that.
At this point, BLC made a break for it. I will catch him later. Mwah! Anyway, let’s hope he comes back to stuphblog soon. You have questions? He’ll have answers. If he ever stops running.