So I was really disappointed this Saturday when there was no “ER Sexy Times” episode. Instead it was yet another show with sex in the title – “Secret Sex Stories”. So secret it’s totally on cable! Wow, I was really interested since it was going to have a woman with the biggest natural boobs like ev-ah, but they didn’t glow in the dark or anything special, so bo-ring. Also, this show didn’t promise to send one of the idiots involved to the hospital. I mean, duh, the best part is watching them get injured. I figured instead I would just take the quiz that TLC had on their website, because you know how much I love taking pointless quizzes.
The quiz was called “Bedroom Habits Exposed: How Does Your Sex Life Compare?” Oh, goody! You all wanted to know what was goin’ down in the Wonderhood right? I didn’t think so. There were some fascinating questions, and even better were the answers people gave.
Each question played a clip from ER Sexy Times underneath. Sometimes the clip had something to do with the question, but most of the time it was just a random bit from the show. I was sad not to see the tree sex people, since I definitely most identified with them.
The first question was: “Where’s the best place to have a quickie?”
Now some of you weirdos might be thinking “bed” or even “couch” but sorry, neither of these are listed cause who does that? The choices were:
- A. In a dark closet
- B. It’s going down in the bathroom
- C. Hit the stop button and get it done in the elevator
- D. Pull off the highway and get in the back of the car.
It was really hard to decide. I mean, who hasn’t been getting dressed for work in a dark closet, tripped, and landed on their husband’s peen? Maybe people not married to men. And the bathroom? As long as you have the shower head, who needs anyone else, right? Sex in an elevator – lovin’ it up as you’re goin’ down? Heck yeah! This way you can not only inconvenience all the people waiting for the elevator, you can get bodily fluids all over a public place, and probably get filmed by the security camera. The video will then appear on youtube, and make you wildly famous. Humping in the back seat of the car is great too, especially when a cop pulls over to arrest you for public indecency.
I left out a few of the questions because the answers were so sexist. I mean, for some reason TLC assumes only women and gay guys are taking this quiz. I guess the straight men are all busy taking quizzes on what kind of power tool they’d go out with or something. So I just left the most P.C. questions, just to show I care.
Next question: What are you most afraid of hurting during sex?
- Oh, geez, definitely my vagina
- Penis, that’s the baby maker
- All the sex could cause a heart attack
- I’m afraid of head injury
I don’t know about you men, but I’m pretty concerned about hurting my coochie. But we ladies are also concerned about your body parts because, hello, babiezz! If your penis is all smooshed, how you gonna knock us up, huh? Otherwise, like, who cares? A heart attack is totally possible, because sometimes we eat at KFC before getting’ our groove on. Moving on, head injuries? Oh, yeah, big worry there. My husband is always whacking my head into walls, car doors, trees, telephone poles, and wherever else we happen to be when the mood strikes. I always bring Tylenol for protection, just in case.
Question Three: What gets you in the mood?
- Reading a romance novel; hello Mr. Grey
- A great date, followed by drinks in the apartment
- An adult film, it’s to the point.
- Champagne and strawberries
What gets me in the mood? Well, besides “ER Sexy Times” and “balloon animals”, I’m obviously gonna have to go with A. Reading 50 Shades of Grey. That is such a major turn on I can hardly keep from puking in my sexy bathroom.
Question Four: How do you describe your lovemaking?
- Sensual and Tender
- Like Rihanna’s song “S&M”
- Yee haw, ride ‘em, cowboy!
Sensual and tender? Hahaha! How risky is that? No, better to go with whips and chains and your occasional buttplug. But if your budget is low, you can always DIY S&M with rakes and leaf blowers. I’m not sure if my lovemaking is unemotional. I think it’s very emotional, especially if the Olympics is playing on the TV at the same time. And as for the last one? Oh, yes, of course, nothing like sex on a mechanical bull to keep your juices going and your marriage hot, hot, hot!
Question Five: What’s your favorite part about sex?
- The connection with another human being
- It’s a great workout
- The foreplay
- Ummm, hello . . . orgasm!
Pfft, I love how one of the answers is “connection with another human being.” Good grief, thanks to “Strange Addictions” I now know that human beings are actually optional. In case you’re not sure about your partner, here is a handy cheat sheet you can use when selecting dates. The following are NOT human:
Donald Trump’s hair piece
Alright then, with that out of the way, is sex a great workout? It depends on how long you can keep going at it. You know how some people say they have sex for hours and hours? If it takes that long to have sex, someone’s doing something wrong. Foreplay can only go on for so long, unless you happen to be in a porno. So foreplay’s out too. That leaves us with “orgasm” as the best part of sex. Like, duh, of course it is. Unless you’re like this lady here, then it gets kind of old.
Okay then the answers. The largest majority of people (32%) thought quickies in the bathroom were the best. And here I thought you like, went pee in there and stuff. I never realized how much romance could be found! Lesson learned. 47% were afraid of hurting the old va-jay-jay (I have to wonder how many of these people were men or balloon animals), and 24% were afraid of hurting the babiezz maker. Only 15% were afraid of head injuries, so SOME people have really boring sex lives, clearly.
46% said a great date and booze got them in the mood. Only 15% thought 50 Shades of Grey got them in the mood. You might note that this is the same percentage of people who were afraid of head injuries during sex. Coincidence? I think not. 33% described their lovemaking as “Ride ‘em, cowboy!” That’s nice to know. Finally, favorite part of sex? It was pretty evenly divided between “connection with another human” and “orgasm.” No word on whether the “orgasm” ones read my cheat sheet or not.
So there you have it. I have to say, this quiz was at least as informative as Cosmo, and had the added bonus of video clips which you usually don’t have in Cosmo. Otherwise Cosmo would be much more popular with both sexes. If you’d like to take the quiz, go to this link here.
So question of the day – what gets you guys in the mood?
Yup, I’m seventeen. Well maturity wise. Well, actually more like thirteen, but we’ll bump it up to seventeen for the heck of it. Just yesterday I saw a post by the awesome Becky about turning 29 and feeling old. Beck, I don’t remember 29. I think the last thing I remember was turning 24, right after my first daughter was born, and then BAM suddenly I’m 37. I have no idea how that happened.
Anyway, I also happened to see a post by Sarah, formerly Combat Girl, who took a quiz from Seventeen magazine to find out what sort of feminist she was. Well, I was all up in that, cause I love taking quizzes, especially somewhat pointless ones. So I took it, and, shock, I’m a liberal feminist. I know, your jaws are on the freaking floor, amiright?
But, you guys, there were more quizzes, and they were about very important topics. Like, not just what dress do I want to wear to prom, but what perfume should go along with it? Crap, I had no idea there were so many decisions. Yes, I realize I am not seventeen and so this is not supposed to concern me, but honestly, I wasn’t a very good teenager. While I did pick out a prom dress, I didn’t take a quiz to find out – I sort of tried it on. And I didn’t once think about wearing perfume, because it makes me cough.
But there are other topics, don’t worry. There are Twilight quizzes, vampire quizzes, “does he like me” quizzes, boyfriend quizzes, love tests, quizzes about love, and quizzes for girls. Like, um, what guy is reading seventeen magazine? Come to think of it, what girl is? Apparently me. So I took some of the quizzes, because otherwise I’d have to do something, like, productive.
I wasn’t for sure what the difference was between vampire quizzes and Twilight quizzes since, Zomg, Edward is the only vampire and he is so sparkly! And I was right. When I selected “vampire quizzes”, they were all about Twilight. Go figure. So I took one.
Quiz: Are You Team Edward or Team Jacob? (Take this quiz to find out which supernatural Twilight man is right for you!)
How about neither? Okay, here are the questions. Some of the multiple choice answers were condensed by yours truly.
1. Can you keep a secret?
a. I try, but I open my yap too much
b. yes, for 100 years, do you get it?
My answer: Depends. Are we talking about keeping a vampire secret? Because I’m pretty sure I’d out Edward and put his disco ball butt right out in the sunshine.
2. Do you believe in love at first sight?
a. Maybe, when you find the right person it will be forever!
b. Absolutely! Some things are meant to be!
Now I didn’t change the wording in those answers that much. The choices really are between maybe and absolutely, even though the maybe even seems to also be a yes. So – yes or yes, girls?
The quiz goes on to ask what my personality flaw is. I’m thinking the fact that I actually read these books, but I have a choice between not taking myself seriously, and not being myself. Again, aren’t both of those pretty close to the same thing? I’m starting to get suspicious.
Next it’s do you take risks, how do you act when you’re angry (if I act like a jerk, I’m perfect for either of them), and when making decisions am I guided by emotion or logic? Strike out for logic, there wasn’t any in the book. I’m not sure which guy is supposed to be the logical one here. Anyway, I randomly put in answers and got Team Jacob. Woot.
I figured I’d move on to real life boyfriends, or as real as they get in high school (think Gucci purse to match your pumps), so I chose “Boyfriend Quizzes”. Wow, so many to choose from. Am I too close to him, too far away, should I dump him, should we make out, should I just go read a book and forget about guys for a while – okay I made that last one up. I then checked out “Love Quizzes”, which had boyfriend quizzes. Then I looked up “Quizzes for Girls”, and – surprise – more stuff about boyfriends. So – teens have no other issues? Good to know!
Of course, some of this stuff made me feel even more ancient. Like, I know a lot of the shorthand, like OMG, and FYI and especially WTF. But explain to me this sentence.
Who’s your 1D BGF?
It’s a quiz, peeps, and I don’t even understand what the quiz is asking. I certainly don’ t know the answer. This really IS just like high school. But what the heck. I clicked on it, and it turns out 1D is shorthand for One Direction, the boy group no one gives a crap about, not even a lot teen girls. Seventeen says:
You already know your 1D love match, but you have to admit, the guys also seem like they’d be fun friends. Which member would you mesh most with? Take the quiz to find out whether Zayn, Liam, Louis, Niall, or Harry would be your best guy friend.
Oh, so I get it. BGF is “best guy friend”. I thought it was “big groovy ferret.” I think I’d prefer that. But gosh, how will I know whether Zayn, Liam, Louis, Niall, or Harry will be the pal for me? I think I can mark off Zayn right away because, seriously, that is not the way you spell Zane. And Niall – I have no idea if that’s spelled right, because I have never heard of it before. So I was down to three before I started the quiz, but then they asked if you liked the “classic” Thriller, and they just lost me right there. I don’t think I’m going to date a boy band.
So I turned to personality quizzes. I can find out if about all sorts of personalities I didn’t know existed. Like fitness personality (lazy), study personality, party personality, shoe personality, and Halloween candy personality. And, of course, bra personality. (I’m not making any of these up.) I wanted to find out my bra personality – Double D? Strapless? Those cone things Madonna wears on her boobs? Well, I clicked on it, and got an error. Now I will never know. Sigh.
I have to say, after researching this fascinating magazine, I feel older, but I really don’t care. You could not pay me to go back to seventeen. Now the body and health of one, sure, but not actually going back there. I’m actually fairly happy where I am right now.
But maybe I should take a quiz to make sure.