When I posted Epic Quests and Crap Like That, I had no idea that it was going to be pressed, or that I’d get such an incredible response. Obviously the WP editor knew what she was doing – this is a topic that most people deal with at some point. Except those teeny, tiny people who have to “struggle” to reach 100 pounds when they are pregnant. I knew a woman like this. Luckily for her, she was honestly a very sweet lady, otherwise she might have ended up a teeny, tiny pancake.
Anyway, this was a good and bad thing. Good in that, hey, look at all the cool people who showed up and took the time to leave interesting and thoughtful comments. Bad in that, oh crap, now I have to actually stick with this? Well, maybe not that bad. I mean, losing weight is a good thing, unless you’re anorexic, then stop, please. The messages we send people, especially women, about weight are just so wrong, but that’s another issue entirely.
Because I do actually need to lose a little. I’m practical about it. I know I’m never going to be the size I was before having the Things. Growing people inside your body shockingly seems to be a real body changer. I mean, who knew, right? Even if you do get back in perfect shape, you’ve got all that leftover skin just hangin’ out there. People like to call them “muffin tops” cause the skin pops out over your jeans like a . . . muffins sound good. Really good. Wait. Here’s an awesome video to take your mind off of muffins. Especially chocolate ones.
Anyway, part of my quest involves me weighing myself. I try to avoid this in the same way I try to avoid checking my bank account balance. It doesn’t change the balance, but you don’t have to feel all sadfaced that way. But Superbetter says you should weigh yourself. Bite me, Superbetter.
So I got a scale with a digital readout, because it turns out I couldn’t read the other dusty scale I had without my glasses on and good grief I’m old. This digital scale is so awesome; it measures even tenths of a pound. This turns out to be not such a good thing, as I’m trying anything to shave off even bits of pound. Like weighing myself with as few clothes as possible, first thing in the morning, after bathroom activities. That’s what Superbetter tells you to do, so that you don’t get all those weird weight fluctuations.
And if you’ve ever weighed yourself throughout the day (as I stupidly did because I am somewhat OCD) you understand why. It turns out that you can gain and lose as much as five freaking pounds over the course of a day, what with drinking, eating, going potty, eating some more, storing up gas like the Hindenburg, etc. What the heck is with that? As if I’m not confused enough?
Anyway, I said my Epic Win was to lose five pounds. If I wanted to, I could technically say I do that every single day. First thing in the morning. The problem is that I lose the same five pounds every single day and then gain them back by nightfall. Which means I’m pretty much back where I started. Every single day. Does this sound familiar?
On the plus side, at least I haven’t gained any weight. I don’t think. Another thing you are supposed to do is record your weight, but I forget to record the number and then I forget exactly what it was later. If I’m losing .005 pounds, then I want Superbetter to know this, darn it, because I deserve a Pokemon Power Up.
Yet this blog requires honesty. No, it doesn’t. I mean, I could make crap up and none of you would ever know. It’s not like I’m showing you body shots. But what would be the point of lying? So I’m being up front here. I have made some changes. I bought food with more fiber in it, and sometimes I remember to eat it. I haven’t totally shaken the sugary cola thing, but I don’t drink as much of it. I mostly try to drink diet, which they say increases your sugar cravings, but I’m not sure how I would tell this as I am a sugar fiend anyway. I don’t like diet as much, therefore, there isn’t as much soda consumption. I’m trying to increase the amount of water I drink. If it’s cold, it’s not so bad.
I am walking more, or at least being more mindful about it. I take the stairs, not the elevator. I work on the second floor of a university library, which means I must trudge up stairs and across a very large floor to get to my office. The bathroom happens to be on the other side of this floor, or, if I wish, I can trudge down stairs to go to the staff only restroom. Either way, I’m getting pee exercise. I have to do this a lot (see babies change your body above) so yay, exercise. No more elevator unless I’m truly desperate. It helps that my boss got trapped in this elevator for over an hour one day. Seriously.
I haven’t made it to the gym in months. But I’m thinking about it. And it turns out that thinking is pretty important because thinking can lead to doing, at least better than not thinking about it can. For some reason this reminds me of a Yoda quote. “Do or do not. There is no try.” Shut up, you stupid little green muppet.
I’m trying, which hopefully will lead to doing. This is a slow process, a quest that takes me inch by inch. But I’m not “doing not” which means eventually, with some work, I will do. I hope you all will stay along for the journey.
So I decided I needed to lose weight. This realization came about when I (1) stepped on a scale and saw a bad, bad number (2) saw myself in a picture in which my thighs were spread out like Manifest Destiny (3) realized I would soon need to buy new pants and I hate trying on pants with the power of a thousand exploding suns.
I figured a good time to start would be the New Year, which gave me the excuse to eat lots of good food beforehand. But now that I’m here, I’m realizing something. This weight loss business? Yeah, it sucks.
I decided not to go with any of the regular diets, because I knew there was no way I was going to do anything like count points (Math is harrd), spend lots of money (Jenny Freaking Craig and the like), or eliminate key foods like meat (I am not a bunny) or bread (screw you, Atkins). So my pal Ravin found this thing on Facebook called Superbetter, and it’s great because it rewards you for stuff like breathing. No, really, it does.
I like rewards. Even meaningless point awards and “good job!” messages. This should come as no surprise considering my massive collection of blog bling. Superbetter sets up “Quests” for you, but don’t worry, you aren’t going to have to find some stupid ring like Frodo. The Quests involve little things that will let you (eventually, like maybe in 2015) reach your “epic win” defined as whatever you consider “epic”. I consider losing five pounds to be “epic” since I have yet to do so, at least on purpose. Also five didn’t sound as depressing as like fifty.
But beware, for there are “Bad Guys” that will keep you from reaching your win. No, I’m not making this up. Bad Guys include things like “liquid calories” which is one of my favorite forms of calorie. You can avoid these bad guys by using “Powerups” or simply putting “quotes” around every other word. Powerups can be anything from breathing (take five deep breaths before you kill your kids) to chugging a glass of water. I think it says chugging because that sounds better than drinking tasteless liquid.
Oh, and they say you should exercise too, the killjoys. But they start out simple. One of the suggestions is to get out of your chair and like stand every thirty minutes or so. I have that in the bag, man. I can stand like nobody’s business. It also suggests you get fresh air (Superbetter doesn’t understand stuff like allergies or, say, seasons – it’s freaking winter here!). But I have implemented some of these, because exercising is a good way to use all that extra free floating anxiety and AliceRage I keep stored up for a rainy day. If I exercise enough, I might not kill my coworkers with a stapler.
And I even stayed away from sugary colas for a week! Oh, how I miss thee, sugary syrup that can clean my car battery! But I just fell off the wagon because I’m cheap. I went in search of a diet drink in desperation because I was falling asleep at my desk. I pushed the button and out popped a regular drink, not a diet. It was like Fate, my friends. And I was way too cheap to let it go to waste. So I drank of it, even though it was a Pepsi and I don’t like Pepsi, but this Pepsi was superbetter than any other Pepsi I have ever tasted.
So obviously this is going to be a long road, complete with stupid quests, bad guys, and Pokemon powerups. But it says you do better if you share your quests with others. And the quests can be for lots of stuff, not just losing weight. I’m dragging Sad Pony and Squirrel along for the ride. Squirrel vibrates constantly and needs help with his caffeine, sugar, and meth nuts addiction. Sad Pony needs to get his pony butt off the floor and get happy already. Anyone else want to join me in my EPIC QUEST?