How to Have a Perfect Interview
So you’ve turned in your impressive resume and someone has called you for an interview. Seriously? They called you? Wow . . . uh, well, anyway, there are certain things you must know before you interview for a job.
First off, anyone who told you that looks aren’t everything never had a job interview. First impressions are key to snagging that job. You don’t want to go into a job interview wearing something really stupid, like anything worn in the 80’s, or you’ll be judged before you can begin! No, you want something conservative, yet striking, something that says you are doing them a favor by applying at this measly little job. Try having money sticking out of every pocket to show how successful you are. Since you are obviously broke, you can either steal it (another career path right there!) or use monopoly money. You won’t fail to make an impression!
So you’ve got the right look. Now you’re ready for the interview. Don’t be late, that looks bad. Show up as early as possible, like the day before. Do not break eye contact with your future interviewer until he invites you into his office (or has you escorted out). Use a firm handshake (a few broken fingers shows you are serious). After your interviewer has recovered, he – or possibly he and a committee of people if you’re lucky – will start asking you questions. So that you can be prepared, here’s some sample questions and answers.
Common Questions and Answers
Tell me something about you.
I’m the tallest midget in the world.
What are your strengths and weaknesses?
My greatest strength is my ability to sniff out evil. My greatest weakness is Kryptonite. Hey, what’s that paperweight made out of?
What was your last job?
What did you like least about your last job?
All that working stuff. What a pain. Also my boss was Satan.
Why should we hire you?
I kidnapped your cat. (Show a picture for proof)
Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Right where you’re sittin’, buddy. (grin widely)
What are your goals?
I hope to one day fit an entire bag of red hots in my mouth. Also, I would like to fly. Without a plane.
What would be your ideal working environment?
A bathtub filled with Jello.
How would a friend describe you?
As a saint – why? Did one of them say something? Who was it? (crack knuckles)
What type of salary do you expect?
Eleventy billion dollars. A day. Or whatever Oprah makes.
Describe a problem you’ve had, and how you solved it.
I once had this dead body to dispose of, and I didn’t know where to put it. So I just stuck him in the meat grinder. You don’t eat at Taco Bell, do you?
What type of person would you feel most comfortable working with?
Myself. Except when the voices start arguing. That’s annoying.
Is there anyone you could not work with?
Anyone who watches Toddlers and Tiaras. Also, Hobbits. Their hairy feet freak me out.
It is important to remember that interview questions are designed to test how well you react under pressure. They are also designed for the amusement of managers. The success of certain questions is measured in the amount of sweat around an applicant’s armpits. But don’t worry. Eventually you are going to get that job, because you have what it takes. You’re determined, persistent, unavoidable. And you have the manager’s cat.
Hang in there! You’re sure to snag a thrilling job soon!
Bambi’s Diary: A 50 Shades Parody
Hi! My name is E.L. Ja . . . Bambi Vagina. I’m just your average stunningly beautiful 21-year-old college student in China studying to become a veterinarian. I’ve always loved kids, so it seemed like such a cute idea to cut them up! I live in this totally awesome apartment that is like better than anything you will ever live in so I don’t have to describe it. Think sandstone. There’s a lot of that. Bricks too.
My roommate is Kimberly Kardishipan and she is just so annoying cause like she lets me mooch off her but doesn’t appreciate it. Today I have to do some stupid interview thingy with this really hot rich guy cause she went and got sick. I told her not to eat Taco Bell. My life is so HARD.
I drove to his work in my car that is so hipster cause it’s old, right, but I love it cause I’m trendy and quirky. So this guy, his name is Richard Head, he’s really super rich and hot and works in this big building where he makes lots of money doing nothing. I think he’s like a congressman or something. Who cares? He’s hot. Remember that.
So I got to his work and there was this big sign that said Head Douchebag Incorporated Esquire and I was super impressed and you should be too. There was sandstone here too. Sandstone is big in China. He had secretaries that were blond which is kinda funny on Chinese people but whatever we’re talking about me here.
I walked into his office and “tripped” so that I showed my butt. This is a great way to meet guys. Kimberly Kardishipan gave me all these dumb questions to ask but he wanted to ask questions like where I lived and worked and my credit score and my social security number and my bra size and if I was into dungeons and being chained up and stuff. Then he offered me a job. This stuff happens to me ALL THE TIME. Sigh.
I already have a job and they told me I had to come in if I want to get paid. Ugh. I work at a hardware store. Isn’t that quirky? A girl – in a hardware store? There’s like hammers here – I don’t get it. My life is SO HARD. Well, guess what you will never guess! Richard Head came to my workplace. How did he figure that out? He is super hot AND smart. ZOMG.
He asked for lime and a shovel and duct tape and rat poison and the other guys I worked with were super jealous cause everyone wants to have sex with me. It’s such a pain. They should know I’m super busy sleeping with my professors, I mean, gawd. So he spoke all creepy to me which really makes my motor run – get it? I said motor, and I’m in a hardware store! He bought that totally normal stuff and left in his helicopter.
Mr Richard Head asked me out for coffee at this pub in China! It was a really trendy place and they spoke American which is so much easier than when they do that chitter chatter stuff. He said I should call him “Dick” cause everyone else does so I said he could call me Bambi cause that’s my name and people call me that. Then he saved me from a Kamakazi jet plane by staring at it really hard and making it explode. It was way cool. Those Kamakazis. They’re everywhere. Cause it’s China.
I figured he would kiss me then but he didn’t. So I got sadfaced and drunkfaced with Kimberly Kardashipan at this other pub in Chinatown. My friend I string along pawed at me and Dick popped up. Dick Head, you guys. He was SO MAD that I went out with friends and got drunkies! Oh, oh.
I woke up this morning in Dick Head’s bed in his way big fancy super special dream house and he gave me Advil which only hot rich people take. And orange juice he squeezed with his own thighs. He is AMAZING but what does he see in sexy, gorgeous me?
I learned so much. Like that Dick is really Batman. I believe him cause he totally has his own Bat Cave with whips and chains, just like the real Batman. He took my pants off but it’s okay cause it was for science, he said. Then he started talking about me signing a contract to be his total sex slave and I got all woozy cause wow business talk is so bo-ring. But I guess it’s hard to find a date when you’re solving crime at night.
He got the contract off the internet so it was legit enough for me. It asked me to promise my soul and sign in blood which was kinda weird but at least I didn’t have to find a pen and I wasn’t really using my soul anyhoo. Once that was all over with he said we could have the sex and I told him I was a virgin cause I am. I mean except for all the sex I had.
It was so hot! He totally pulverized my “down there” with his Batman super powers! I zonked for a while and woke up and he was playing his xylophone and you guys – his cape hung “that way”. It was way hot.
Had lots of fun with Batman, shhh, I mean Dick Head. We scuba dived in his bathtub which is big as a swimming pool and has real sharks. I also gave him a BBJ (Bat Blow Job) and he was impressed since it was my first time and it was except for all those other times. He is so hot and sexy and hot and he’s a little bossy but I guess that comes from fighting crime. Also I learned that his mom was a crack ho and his dad was an emperor and they were both gunned down by this Joker guy in an alley one night. So sad. But then he had to go to work at his super important job.
He gave me stuff cause he’s so rich with all the money he got from his parents biting it and all. Like one gift was this strange thing he called a laptop, which I thought was a kind of dance but nope, it’s a computer! And it has this thing called email. Far out.
There was this graduation thing which was weird cause I’d totally forgotten I was going to school. But get this – it says on my diploma I can only cut up cats, not kids. Who knew?
Dick tells me I have to do everything he says cause he’s the Batman and the Batman knows best. Also if I leave he’ll have to kill me cause I know so much. Makes sense. Also, he needs practice for when he fights the bad guys, so sometimes I help him out with that by playing the bad guy. I stand there while he tests his super weapons like the bat flogger and the bat plug on me. It’s hot.
Guess what else? I think I might be a super hero too because I have all these other personalities. I think I’m gonna go with “Subconscious Goddess Twit” for a super hero name. What do you think?
I just realized Dick Head is not who he says he is. He’s not the Batman – he’s a super villain named The Riddler and wears this weird spandex outfit with punctuation marks all over it. But it’s okay, because he’s out of Arkham now and he’s just misunderstood and I’m sure with my love he will be totally reformed.
Tonight he’s having a party and inviting his friends over. This should be fun. I wonder if I should make some Chinese coffee or just order some Chinese food. Cause they make that here, you know.
That was NOT a fun party. Super villains are not very nice. They hung me from a rope over the pool with sharks while they ate their bean dip and laughed evilly. Then they smacked me with a bat like a piñata. Uncool. I decided I didn’t care if Dick is rich, I am so OVER him and his money and his hotness. I mean, that spandex, wow. No, no, I am better than this.
So I left him, I did, and then I cried and cried cause even though he’s a super villain, he’s really, really hot. Sigh.
First off, anyone who told you that looks aren’t everything never had a job interview. First impressions are key to snagging that job. You don’t want to go into a job interview wearing something really stupid, like anything worn in the 80’s, or you’ll be judged before you can begin! No, you want something conservative, yet striking, something that
says you are doing them a favor by applying at this measly little job. Try having money sticking out of every pocket to show how successful you are. Since you are obviously broke, you can either steal it (another career path right there!) or use monopoly money. You won’t fail to make an impression!
What are your strengths and weaknesses?