Gad. This book. Chapter 15 of Anatwatcrotch Steele’s memoirs is just, so, so double crap with a buttplug. First off, I was fairly sure I was already through Chapter 15, but no. No it was still THERE. All supposedly 18 pages of it, though I don’t really believe it was 18 pages, because I just kept turning pages and the crap just kept going, like that perverted Energizer Bunny. And I thought, I need someone who can clean up the bunch of shit that was this chapter. And then it hit me (not Christian, the idea.)
Alice: Hello, Mrs. Jones.
Mrs. Jones: Hello, Alice. You have a little Jello on your face dear. Now spit.
Alice: I don’t really . . .
Mrs. Jones: Spit into this hanky!
Alice: Okay! Gee, thanks for cleaning my face.
Mrs. Jones: You’re welcome. That’s what I do around here. I clean. So much. So, so much.
Alice: Yeah. So what’s it like working for Christian?
Mrs. Jones: Oh, the pay is nice, and he gives me this place to live. Isn’t it nice? ISN’T IT?
Alice: Yes. Um. So do you like Christian?
Mrs. Jones: Oh, he’s like the little psychotic son I never had. But cleaning up after him? All those buttplugs, Alice. There are SO MANY. And the stuff that gets on them is –
Alice: Thank you! That’s really all I need to know about that. What do you think of Ana? And Christian’s relationship with her?
Mrs. Jones: Well. She looks like all the others, of course. But she’s much more of a , what is the nice way to say this, hmm?
Alice: Bitch? Harpy? Dumbass?
Mrs. Jones: Yes. I mean, before they kept the sex in the playroom. Such a mess, I mean you wouldn’t believe what I would find –
Alice: I would. Anyway?
Mrs. Jones: It was gross, but at least the room was fairly soundproof so I didn’t have to hear all the screaming and thrusting and whatnot.
Alice: They do have sex a lot.
Mrs. Jones: A lot? They do it all the time. Almost every waking second. Except when they stop to drink, or Christian orders me to make a sandwich for Ana. Then it’s back to the fucking. They even did it on the piano. Do you know how long it took me to –
Alice: Once again, I can imagine. So anything interesting happen lately? Did anything happen? At all?
Mrs. Jones: Let’s see. Well, Ana howled and moaned and cried – and she wasn’t even having sex at that point. Christian carried her to bed, because the stupid girl can’t eat or walk for herself. I’m not sure if there really is a brain inside that head at all.
Alice: If so, it ran out of batteries years ago.
Mrs. Jones: Then Christian screamed, but it was nightmare screaming, not the other kind. Just one of the many things you learn to ignore around here. One of the many, many things you learn to ignore . . .
Alice: So then what happened?
Mrs. Jones: Then came the sex. Did you know you can hear a foil packet rip from across the house?
Alice: That’s illuminating.
Mrs. Jones: Then they talked and talked and Ana asked to see Dr. Flynn.
Alice: I hope he shows her what’s in that drawer.
Mrs. Jones: Taylor drove her to work. And then Christian got on the computer.
Alice: Oh, no.
Mrs. Jones: And started emailing Ana. This went back and forth. He was quite upset that she wasn’t using her Blackberry. The raunchy, idiotic emails can be traced on her work computer.
Alice: Did it occur to him to just stop sending her raunchy, idiotic emails?
Mrs. Jones: No. Christian was even more upset because Ana was having a hard day. Her boss, Mr. Hyde, kept yelling at her.
Alice: Because she was emailing instead of doing her coloring sheets?
Mrs. Jones: Also she was late getting to work and late with his lunch. They emailed some more. Ana continued to not use the Blackberry.
Alice: She has no sense of self-preservation and yet she keeps breathing somehow.
Mrs. Jones: Then she called during Christian’s work meeting and they kept telling the other one to hang up, no you hang up . . .
Alice: Just . . . I don’t . . . moving on.
Mrs. Jones: Mia apparently called Ana at one point – come to think of it, so did Jose, and Ethan as well. Christian tracks her calls.
Alice: Of course. No wonder Jack wants to kill the little twit.
Mrs. Jones: Mia let slip about Christian’s birthday. And then Ana and Christian sent emails back and forth about him being so old.
Alice: I hate their emails. So much.
Mrs. Jones: Well, she stopped emailing to go get a cookie since she can’t remember to eat. Taylor and Christian were all ready to pick her up from work, but she didn’t come out. Turns out Jack was trying to rape her in the break room.
Alice: Naturally. Wow. Guess that’s all we have time for today.
Mrs. Jones: There’s so much more I could tell you, though.
Alice: That’s okay. Really. I already know so much no amount of Lysol will ever, ever clean it out. Ever.*
*Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever.
I reviewed Blue’s Clues a while back, and I’ve just realized that it is similar in nature to 50 Shades. You see, James drops clues in her book, but not just any clues. These are giant, economy size clues that you couldn’t possibly miss unless you’re as dumb as Blue’s owner. For instance there is the “clue” that Christian has some issues with food that is repeated over and over and over again. Imagine a giant blue pawprint on Ana’s forehead. I do, and it makes me feel better.
Anyway, I also compared 50 Shades to Dora the Explorer because of its repetitiveness, although now that I think of it there are so many other ways it is similar what with that explorer theme and OMG I have been reading these books too long. My point is that these books are as repetitive and obvious as a children’s program, so I figured that with the sequel, 50 Shades Dumber, er, Darker, I would try to spice up the recaps for you guys by having the characters themselves tell you what’s going on in a series of interviews. Covering Chapter 1 is Taylor, Christian Grey’s loyal assistant. Here is the transcript of the interview, written by my subconscious. Inner goddess was the photographer.
Alice: Taylor, thanks for joining us today. So, what’s it like working for Christian Grey?
Taylor: Christian Grey is a good man and an excellent boss. He pays me well and gives great benefits. For instance, not many employers will throw in Accidental Death and Dismemberment benefits for free.
Alice: Oh, I almost forgot. I managed to get you in that Witness Protection Program after all.
Taylor: Really? Thank God! I thought I was going to have to start poisoning that freak’s Trojans.
Alice: So you don’t really think he’s a great boss?
Taylor: Are you kidding? The guy is a total whackjob! He has me buy lacy underwear for his victims. Now everyone in Victoria’s Secret thinks I’m a total perv. Who does this? Who makes their employees buy women’s underwear, huh? Who? I mean I realize that there’s that part of the job description that says “and other duties as assigned” but really? He makes me order his S&M supplies. People are starting to wonder why we need so many riding crops when we don’t have horses here. And – and he can’t do anything for himself! I have to bring the idiot his bunny slippers and read him bedtime stories about crack whores!
Alice: That’s . . . interesting. What do you think of his relationship with Anastasia Steele?
Taylor: I liked it better when he had sub of the month. I hate Ana. She’s a jerk to everybody. Even the voices. She’s always talking to those voices in her head. She does this out loud but she doesn’t realize it. Christian thinks her schizophrenia is “cute”. Anyway, she thinks no one can hear her but guess what? I can. And her thoughts are stupid. You know what else I can hear? Their constant boinking in the backseat. What are they, weasels in heat?
Alice: You must have been happy about their breakup then.
Taylor: Ecstatic. But it didn’t last, of course.
Alice: It didn’t?
Taylor: Hell, no. I walked in Christian’s office a few days later and there’s Christian typing out emails to her. That’s really all he does at work. When he’s on the phone talking business, he’s not actually talking to anyone. The phone’s not even on. People just go with it. So he says I have to drive them to his helicopter, which he flies freaking everywhere because he’s such a snobby jerk. He wanted to fly Ana to her friend’s gallery opening so he can be a real douchebag to everyone there, as always.
Alice: But if they were broken up, why was she going with him to her friend’s gallery opening?
Taylor: Because the twit can’t take a bus, apparently. He offered her a ride and it didn’t occur to her to find other transportation. Did I mention she’s an idiot? Okay, so here’s what happened. He told me to drive them, because I have nothing else to do but be his slave, of course. So she gets in the car, and he bitches at her about eating because the girl’s a freaking anorexic but like it’s his business what she eats? So he’s an asshole to her, but in like five seconds the stupid girl’s in his lap. I really don’t know why he didn’t just get a Cocker Spaniel like I suggested.
Alice: It would be hard to tell the difference. So do you know what happened at the gallery?
Taylor: Yeah, I heard about it, because guess what? I’m also his bloody therapist when Flynn’s not around. He was really pissed off because her friend took all these pictures of Ana in different poses. He bought them all, and I have to tell you, they are not that exciting. Girl’s biting her lip and staring off blankly in every one of them. But that lip stuff really revs his engine. After the gallery, he said he got to second base with her in the alley. And then he took her to a restaurant because she was about to die of starvation right in front of him, apparently. He called me to pick them up, again. I was all ready to sit back and watch an episode of Bachelor Pad, too. Story of my life.
Alice: Well, thank you, Taylor, for your time. Hey, look there’s Christian waiting for you. You don’t think he’s been listening in on us, do you?