Tag Archives: Ted Cruz in a metal band?

Reality Campaign Sent Me to the ER

Wellllll . . . this election has just . . . shuffled along like a long, drawn out bunch of fillings without Novocaine.  You can’t just fill them at once, it has to be one, two, maybe five at a time.  And there’s 50 teeth, guys, 50 rotten teeth, and somehow, I think it’s gonna hurt when it’s all over no matter what they put in those cavities.

Stephen Colbert has compared the election to a reality show, and I think that’s even better than my dental plan.  It’s also why I believe that if anyone is going to sponsor these candidates, it should be these guys.

From the people who brought you Toddlers and Tiaras, it's the 2016 Presidential campaign!

From the people who brought you Toddlers and Tiaras, it’s the Amazing 2016 Presidential Race!

I have covered several TLC shows in the past, including one where a guy was in love with his car (Trump supporter?), and none of them have compared to this campaign.  We had another five states vote in the third Super Tuesday (how many Super Tuesdays can you have?  Should some be called Super-Duper Tuesday, or even EXTREME Tuesday?) and Trump and Hillary made a pretty clean sweep.  But if you think the other candidates are going to give up, clearly you have never watched an episode of The Bachelor.  These guys (and gal) are going to get that rose, er, nomination, if they have to send people to the ER to do it.

We have had a few drop-outs, so the Republican candidate field has gone from 19 and Counting to three.  Carson made the bold decision to quit when he slept through the last few debates and woke up to find out he’d been voted off the island by pretty much everyone.  Rubio quit too, but he and his boots have great opportunities ahead, like an appearance on What Not To Wear very soon.  So now the Republicans have Trump, Cruz, and Kasich.  Kasich won one state, the only state he’s won so far, but he’s happy, so we’ll just leave him with his car, er um dreams. Just like I’m gonna live in my bubble, cause Trump and Cruz make me want to eat a whole box of baby powder donuts and wash it down with some hot sauce.

Who can't identify with this?

Who can’t identify with this?

You might think I am ignoring the Democrats because I’m a biased somewhat-moderate lib’ral who votes Democrat because they come closest to getting some of the stuff I want (like food).  This is true, but it’s also because the Democrats are just plain dull beside the Republicans.  Sure Hillary has her emails and trail of Secret Obsessions and Crazy Addictions, and Bernie waves his hands in the air like he just doesn’t care causing his hair to electrify, but it just doesn’t compare to the total boobs the GOP has right now.  I should also point out that I don’t hate Republicans – just their politics (Some of my friends are Republican so I’m totally not prejudiced.).  Unless they are politicians, then it’s a pretty safe bet I hate them.

So now it’s down to Cruz and Trump, two candidates that even the Republican party itself hates with a passion.  I did do a little digging into their pasts (not just for Repubs anymore!) and I found some great dirt on Cruz.  If you’ve been reading, you know I already reported that Ted Cruz is suspected of being the Zodiac killer.  But did you know he was also in a Christian metal band?  It’s totally TRUE.  Just look at the proof.

COINCIDENCE? I think not.

COINCIDENCE? I think not.

So now we know that Ted Cruz was not only in a metal band while serial killing his fellow Canadians, he is also a politician who is probably related to a cartoon character named Droopy Dog.  The evil is staggering, honestly.  And then there’s Trump, who is a failed businessman reality star tanning bed victim circus clown politician who rolls around in his money vault like his uncle, Scrooge McDuck.

Donald's first act as President will be putting his face on the currency.

Donald’s first act as President will be putting his face on the currency.

Would I lie about any of this?  Absolutely not.  But I should point out that Ted Cruz can see into your soul with his beady little eyes and make your brain explode.  Also Donald Trump is really a leprechaun.  So be careful with your votes.

What truly amazes me is that even after winning those four states by a YUGE margin, Donald was still ticked off enough to whine about how he has had way more negative ads targeted at him than anyone in campaign history.  Talk about a victory speech!  It looked rather like this.

I can't believe I won quack quack quack quack quack!

I can’t believe I won quack quack quack quack quack!

No one on Big Brother or Bachelor Pad could compare with the antics of the Republican contenders, and I have to say that I mourn the passing of the ones who have fallen, whoever they were.  The Real Politicians of the GOP will live on, as long as the Republican party itself!

At least they will all be welcomed with welcome, opening arms by TLC.  So many shows for them to choose from!  Politician and Pregnant (I want this one for Ben Carson), I Didn’t Know I Was a Politician (shoe-in for half of the former Republican candidates), My Five Wives (Donald Trump), Dumb People Dumber World (any of them), Toddlers and Tiaras (Donald Trump), Here Comes Droopy Boo Boo (Ted Cruz), What Not to Wear – or say – or do (Marco Polo Rubio), Politics: Buried Alive (all of us).

Be prepared, American viewers.  This is all you’re gonna see for a long, long time.  Have a nice day, and wonderful fruit salad life.

Alice