Trolls, guns, and magical birds: more politics with Alice!
I hope you all had a great Easter weekend. I didn’t. I had stomach ISSUES and they weren’t fun and worst of all they kept me from Facebook for an entire day. Do you realize what I could have missed with no Facebook News for a whole day? Everything! Maybe Donald said something racist or stupid. Maybe the Enquirer said Ted Cruz was having multiple affairs (luckily I saw THAT one on the newsstand). Or maybe someone gave Bernie Sanders the bird.
Luckily for me, I also have my Things – er daughters, and they are very happy to pass on political news of great importance. Thing One showed me a site called Loser.com that I had never heard of until today. If you go to the site, you are directed immediately to the Wikipedia page of Donald Trump. So did someone buy the domain loser.com just to troll Donald? Nah, loser.com has been trolling since 1995 in what the Washington Times called “quiet, pointless obscurity”, its targets having been Al Gore, Obama, and naturally Kanye West (please say he doesn’t run for office). Donald is just the latest, but like everything Donald, his has gotten the most attention. I’m shocked Donald hasn’t tried to sue yet (that we know of that is).
Another exciting bit of news (from Time Magazine who also reported on Donald being the latest loser.com victim – way to report Time!) is this video of teen “mean girls” reading the tweets of Donald Trump. It’s absolutely hilarious until you realize that everything those girls say was actually said first by a 70-year-old man who wants to be President. Then it’s still funny, but a little sad. I wonder if he will continue with the highly effective communication tool if elected President. Pfft, of course he will.
As far as Facebook News, I am with Ted Cruz who says reports of his multiple affairs are ridiculous. Getting the one woman to marry him had to be an act of voodoo witchcraft – I can’t imagine anything being powerful enough to get him women on the side. Imagine waking up to that face. Oh crap – imagine waking up to that face even on the T.V. I feel a little ill.
Cause really, who would you rather see on your televisions each day?
Kindly if slightly batty old grandpa Bernie Sanders?
Retired librarian who tries to look cool Hillary Clinton (as a librarian I can vouch for this statement – it’s a tough job).
Oompa Loompa with Tourette’s Donald Trump?
Or . . . or Droopy Doo Doo dog, Ted “Creeper” Cruz?
I don’t know about you, but out of this admittedly less than stellar list, I choose the Bern. I’m not the only one. Wildlife likes him too, as evidenced by the video in which a cute birdie landed on his podium during a speech. You might think this an incredible coincidence (and something supporters at the rally got a little too excited about – even before the bird got close to Bernie) but it’s not. Bernie commands wildlife, guys. It’s the Democratic Socialist Disney Princess effect. Remember that Hitchcock movie “The Birds”? I’d be careful, Hillary and Republicans! Bernie could unleash his hoard at any time. Anyway, the bird was cute enough to make it into a Bernie endorsement video. Cut from video: Duet of “I’m Wishing” from Snow White whistled by Bernie and the bird.
Aw. Poor little sparrow-whatever-that-bird-is had no idea he was a dove and is even more confused. Lucky for the bird, he landed near a Democrat. I can just imagine a Republican, like, I dunno, Donald, taking a shot at him. I could also see one of his supporters shouting “Sparrow season!” – if said supporter weren’t busy punching a Trump protester. Speaking of violence, many Republicans are hoping to allow “open carry” guns at the Republican National Convention this year. This is one time I am not totally against this idea. Can you just imagine? It’d be like the O.K. Corral, with bullets zinging across the room as people yell “Yippie-ti-yi-die!” while galloping around in their suits and ties. Seriously, I wouldn’t want anyone hurt, but it would test whether Republicans are as crazy about guns if said guns are shot near them in an enclosed space by other Republicans.
So much excitement to come! Try to survive. And if you can’t find a gun, be nice to birds.
These are the Fruit Salads of Our Lives
Well, we just had Super Tuesday, and it looks like Hillary won 7 states out of 13 and Bernie won 4 states out of 13 and I realize 4 and 7 don’t equal 13 so I’m not sure what happened. Also Trump won 7 states, but never had more than 50 percent of the vote. Hard when there are still 5 candidates running, one of whom (lookin’ at you Ben-o!) didn’t register once. Also, I voted, but more on that on another post! Since we still don’t have any clue what’s going on in this most screwed up of elections ev-ah, I thought I’d just do a post in headlines I’ve been gathering up while recovering from my latest bout of plague (thanks Obama!)
The Washington post also has some great images (non-moving gifs!) and tweets, but Gawker had the best headline. Watch Chris Christie’s pained expressions as he stands trapped behind Donald Trump. Time to rethink life choices, Christie.
Zodiac Killer: 38 Percent of Florida Voters Think It Is Possible Ted Cruz Is Serial Killer, Poll Says
Sure the killings started in 1968, and Cruz wasn’t born until 1970, but, well, look at the guy. Do you blame them?
Get that you think they’re rapists? That you want to deport them and / or employ them? What do they “get” exactly?
Ben Carson’s Fruit Salad Makes the Internet Go Bananas
Ben says “the fruit salad of their life is what I will look at” when choosing a Supreme Court justice. I think that’s how we’re choosing president instead. Still it got a lot of amusing tweets including:
– My tell-all is going to be called the The Fruit Salad of Their Lives
-The Fruit Salad of Their Life is my favorite soap
and of course
– Make America Grape Again
You can’t make this crap up. Sorry, Ben, you’re really not important enough for a punch.
Lindsey Graham: Sen. Lindsey Graham Jokes About Gone Bat**** Crazy GOP: “Speaking at the Washington Press Club Foundation Dinner, Graham had the harshest words for Sen. Ted Cruz. “If you kill Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody could convict you,” he quipped.”
I’m thinking a lot of people don’t like Ted Cruz. Like EVERY ONE of his fellow senators who won’t endorse him, for instance.
Emancipation Proclamation: 20 Percent of Trump Supporters Do Not Support Executive Order, Poll Says
And another 17 percent “aren’t sure”. Just . . . I mean . . . what . . .why . . . next question.
Kevin Spacey: Actor Says ‘We Get What We Deserve’ About US Presidential Election
Speak for yourself, Kev! Pretty sure most of us do not deserve this.
Trump University: Donald Trump Could Be Called to Testify in Fraud Case, Court Filings Show
Trump? Fraud? No way!
Hillary Clinton: Candidate Says at Town Hall She’s ‘Not Sure’ Why Bernie Sanders Is Leading Youth Vote
Hint to Hillary: Find out.
Ben Carson: Republican Presidential Candidate Says President Obama Was ‘Raised White’
WTF does that even MEAN, Ben? Does Obama not have a good fruit salad?
Donald Trump: GOP Presidential Candidate Says He Wanted to ‘Punch’ Protester Who Disrupted Rally
Sometimes people think words instead of speak them, Donald. Still, if you can’t find the protester, you could always punch Ben. He wants to be attacked. Or Cruz. He’s just so darn punchable.
Note: I tried to find the headlines I’d picked off FB. When I couldn’t, I substituted links. Enjoy your fruit salad!
He Started It: Kindergarten Politics and the Republican National Debate
Breaking News: Just thought you should know, Hillary barked like a dog on the campaign trail. Back to the post.
You might be wondering – why, Alice, why would you watch that? You know your brain’s still not well after 50 Shades corrosion. Well, I didn’t watch the whole thing – just some highlights. And you know where I got those highlights from, right?
Thanks Facebook News! Or thank you to our political parties, who continue to have some of the most hilarious / bizarre headlines I’ve ever seen. Including these gems from Trump (And no I am not making any of these up):
Donald Trump on Ben Carson Feud: He Started It
Donald swears he is a bestest Christian, not Ben! But only because Ben started it.
Donald Trump Says I Could Shoot Somebody and I Wouldn’t Lose Any Voters
Except the voters he shot dead? Any survivors would keep the bullets in a little shadow box.
And a few minutes after congratulating Ted Cruz on his win in Iowa –
Donald Trump Accuses Ted Cruz of Stealing the Iowa Caucus
Really, I could just use the headlines featuring Trump and have an entire post. Especially considering he dominates the race to the point that I don’t hear enough about how awful the rest of the candidates are, and I’m pretty sure they’re all awful. But it’s degrees of awful we are talking about here, people. My favorite headline so far is this:
Donald Trump: Presidential Candidate Alludes to Independent Run During Event in South Carolina
Donald’s had it with the Republican party who is totally not being fair to him! I decided to (once again) break my rule against reading the comments to see what Trump supporters thought about this. No worries. They are sure that Trump can still win even if he divides the Republican party because he has a large percentage of the Hispanic vote. Well that makes sense.
Donald Trump Defends Calling Mexicans Rapists
Next they’ll be saying he’s got the Muslim vote. I do realize that people have a tendency to vote against their own interests, like the “chicken voting for Colonel Sanders” as my father always says. That’s Colonel Sanders again, not Bernie. He’s a senator. Pretty sure.
But nevermind that. I say, “Run, Donald, Run!” That way Hillary and Bernie can sit back, take their blood pressure meds and relax. No need to fight each other, guys! Calm down! Bill, please go home – you look tired. And Jeb – really – grown ups don’t usually have their Moms campaign for them. It’s not like she’s class Mom of the Republican party.
Though they certainly need one. In this clip, watch as candidates for the greatest office in the land take turns calling each other lying liars that lie!
So many good moments in this video. First Trump states that Cruz is a liar, a bigger one than Jeb Bush, who pops his head up, eyes wide like a spooked deer, hearing his name, but uncertain what to do about it. He brings up how Rubio tried to take away voters by telling everyone at the caucus that Ben had quit the race, cause like he wasn’t there. (Rubio getting a spot on the next Mean Girls movie? Possibilities!) And later, though it’s hard to hear over the mindless bickering of Trump and Cruz, the moderator actually threatens that he will “turn this car around, gentlemen.” Cruz then informs Trump that grown ups do not interrupt one another. And Trump mutters something like “Yeah like you’re a grown up.” with a sneer.
Guys, even 5-year-olds know better than to talk like that, mostly because their parents and teachers will put them in time out. Personally, I think that’s what the moderator should do – put candidates in time-out according to age. We wouldn’t have to hear from Trump for 69 minutes.
At least there is one thing the Republicans can agree on. Even though the extremely conservative Justice Scalia has died nine months before the election, they believe Obama should wait and let the next president appoint a new justice. Sorry, Obama is still actually the president. And it doesn’t occur to them they might be letting either Hillary or Bernie do it. Or possibly one of our write-in candidates.
Political Entertainment Express
Wow, for someone who purposely tries to avoid news as much as possible, I sure get a lot of it. Especially political news, which is always intelligent and thoughtful and I can’t even finish this. It’s not that the reporting itself is bad – unless you are talking about Fox, of course. It’s that the stuff they report is so incredibly stupid. I think I can safely call this the most idiotic election in the history of America, and keep in mind I am including the 2008 election featuring Sarah “Cocker Spaniel” Palin and the 2000 election featuring all the pregnant chads.
For one thing, up until now we’ve had candidates in the Republican party that at least seemed to have brain power. I may not have agreed with McCain, but he wasn’t a whackjob – at least not until they stuck him with Palin as a running mate and his strategy reverted to “Screw it.” But now? The most reasonable one (when he actually talks about issues) seems to me seems to be – and it pains me to say this – Jeb Bush. President Jeb. Yet he’s sinking in the polls faster than his money can save him. And Trump is winning with the power of hate mixed with total holy batcrap insanity.
As far as the Democrats go – you’ve only got two choices, in spite of what poor O’Malley would like you to think. (Can someone just promise him a cabinet seat already so he can go home?) Bernie or Hillary. Democrats seem under the impression that people will vote for Hillary because she has lots of money behind her, and she’s married to Bill who, in spite of his inability to keep his pants zipped, didn’t do so bad as president. The only problem with this is that almost everyone else hates her, or her husband, or both of them, or possibly the entire family including Socks the cat. (Is Socks still alive? I’m guessing no. And, yeah, I’m more interested in the cat now.)
So that just leaves Bernie Sanders (not related to the colonel) because unlike most other Democrats, he doesn’t try to get along with Republicans. He just says what he wants, which you might as well when the opposing party communicates like a two-year-old “No, no, no!”. Will corporations like Bernie? “No,” he says, “and Wal Street will like me even less!” When they ask him about terrorism, or immigration, or terrorist immigration, he often goes back to the these stupid, totally unrelated issues like Americans having a place to eat, sleep, and work. This is what most people would call campaign suicide. Except that you have to remember who the guy is running against.
I have to remember who he’s running against, because sometimes I forget with so many candidates that keep clinging to the podium for dear life. Here are a few tidbits from Facebook that reminded me:
Donald Trump: Republican Presidential Candidate Leads GOP Primary With 13-Point Lead, Poll Says
This is the guy who gets his pointers (like gold stars for all the Muslims!) from Hilter and Ann Coulter (otherwise known as Mrs. Satan). Who gets unnerved when a woman goes potty. Who wants to deport anyone who doesn’t have a dead gerbil for hair or somewhat white skin. Who resembles an Oompa Loompa. Who – if elected – will probably put a giant T on the White House right before half the world bombs us in self-defense.
In case you were wondering if I was exaggerating how awful he and his foreign policy ideas are, here’s another one that just popped up today:
Donald Trump: British Lawmakers Debate Banning Republican Presidential Candidate From UK
-yeah that would be our biggest ally not even wanting him in their country. He wants to ban all Muslims. They just want to ban HIM. No, they haven’t actually barred him (yet?), but the fact that they talked about it says something about us. I think they still remember when we sent Romney over there last election and they aren’t taking chances.
Ted Cruz: GOP Candidate Defends His Presidential Eligibility to Donald Trump During Debate
Unlike Obama, who was born in the US despite many reports made up by Fox to the contrary, Cruz was born in Canada. (Thanks, Canadians!) His mom is American, though, so he was sort of naturalized, depending on how you look at it. The Washington Post actually agrees with Trump, saying that Ted can’t legally run, while some Americans just think he shouldn’t run because he has idiotic ideas and looks like Droopy Dog (this would be me). Other Americans think it is a nonissue because Canada is part of the United States. Ah, Teddy, you might ask Obama for advice on this one. Last I heard he had plastered his birth certificate on every door and window of the White House. Good luck.
Carly Fiorina: Candidate Discusses Hillary Clinton’s Marriage and Email Server Probe in Early Debate
Cause there is nothing like a good political “cat-fight” is there? No, Alice, this is just a political candidate who happens to be a woman saying that “Unlike some women in this campaign, I actually love spending time with my husband.” Ooooh, snap, Hillary! Is this going to be like the “Mommy War Cake Debate” we had with Hillary Clinton and one of the Bush wives (was it Laura? Barbara? I forget). I think Mrs. Bush had a special recipe from great-great- grandma prepared by servants, while Hillary chose the French manufacturer Nestle Tollhouse. In the end, they both just gorged on cake and watched Lifetime together. I might have gotten my facts mixed up, but it sounds good to me. And seriously, Carly, wait a few years. You won’t want to spend time with your husband either.
Rick Santorum: Republican Candidate Tells Viewers to Google His Name During Early GOP Debate
No, really, he did! He asked people to compare his record to Hillary Clinton’s, because everyone knows Google is where you find all your accurate answers! You know, except junior high English teachers who recommend so-called “scholarly” sources. But here’s the fun thing – since Ricky compared gay people to something not so nice, when you Google his name, you come up with something – not so nice. The definition for the word “Santorum” is now something not to be uttered in polite company, as CNN reports. That’s right – the definition is “Trump Dump”. It’s not pretty. Santorum has been trying to change this since 2003, but the Internet has hated him for that long. Nice play there, Ricky!
Republican candidates discuss Marco Rubio’s boots, recommend pant suit to complete look.
Okay so I made up that headline. I didn’t make up the fact that yes, most of the Republican candidates have been bullying Marco* about his girly boots. Anderson Cooper reports on it here on a segment called “The Ridiculist” – clearly Anderson does not understand real news. This was on the 8th, so a little while ago, but directly relates (I don’t know how many times I can say “seriously it does”) to the next real headline.
Jeb Bush: GOP Presidential Candidate’s Campaign Releases Ad Calling Donald Trump a ‘Jerk’
Yup. He did. In fact, it starts out the video!
First you see someone Googling – here we go again – Donald Trump is a jerk. Haha! Then he calls him a jerk. Then you have Trump acting like he’s having a seizure. Then there’s Jeb hugging disabled people because Trump was apparently insulting the disabled. Look, he insults EVERYBODY, including himself. Stay tuned for the next ad when he calls Rubio a “Poopyhead”. Oh wait, he already released an ad earlier with Rubio dancing in cowboy boots to Nancy Sinatra’s “These Boots are Made for Walking”. No – I’m serious. Again.
As Thing One says, it’s clear this campaign is purely for entertainment until the real election pops up. I agree.