Nope, I’m on day . . . 6. That just leaves – carry the two – there’s several days left. So I skipped a bit again and I’m gonna have to throw a few on here, which is better than bothering you with several short pointless posts, right? Sure.
Day 6: Take a few minutes to call someone you haven’t talked to in a while. Tell them how much you appreciate them.
Wait, what? Call someone? They mean, like, text, right? Cause calling is such a pain. Also, who is there to call? No one ever picks up cause, well, since no one calls anymore it must be one of them there telemarketer types. Or bill collectors. Avoid, avoid.
But I signed the fake pledge so – I guess I could call my husband. Haven’t talked to that guy in a while. Wonder what he’s up to – besides the insides of a car. Must find out.
Voicemail. That figures. I told his voicemail about my appreciation for him, and also my appreciation for voicemail. I should get a “k” text any minute now.
Day 7: Take a picture of one thing, person, place or specific moment that makes you feel grateful. Share it with your social network.
My daughter lost my camera bag with the battery charger for a while, so no chance to take a picture. Yes I have an actual camera that isn’t my phone. Anyway, I just read this post today complete with picture. I am grateful that I do not live in this specific moment. The 1950s, otherwise known as the age of Lysol.
The ad is kind of small, so best to view it on That Retro Blog, a blog created by my pal Merbear, which occasionally also stars my own sarcastic commentary. For more info on this fabulous lysol douche – yes I said douche and lysol in the same sentence – see here.
Day 8: Send thank you notes to five people who deserve a little recognition.
Thank you notes? Phone calls? Was this gratitude journal written in the 1950s? Do they expect me to be a wizard? Cause my hand cramps. And I have no idea where any official thank you notes are located. And I’m lazy. Gratefulness is HARRRD.
Fine, okay, I will list some people, but no one be upset if I don’t mention you cause it’s not that I don’t like you (probably), it’s that I have the memory of a gerbil.
1. Merbear: My Wonder Twin who listens to me whine for free, even with her own issues.
2. Noxema Mom: We’ve been friends for almost a decade, but it feels like we were switched at birth at times. She has no blog, but she knows who she is.
3. Ravinj: We’ve known each other since we were eleven and twelve. There are no secrets. She knows about every stupid thing I’ve ever done. Best to keep these people close.
4. Mental Mama: Also listens to me whine and has been where I’ve been (crazyville).
5. Every one else who is special and I can’t remember cause gerbil brain: Thanks. You guys are the greatest. Kiss kiss, Alice.
I just remembered I didn’t add in my Things. Or that husband person. Whoops. They get it.
Okay, so done with the gratitude for now. I would like to thank the Academy that I missed the Oscars last night, though I hear there were some decent dresses worn.
Requests for Alice!!!
P.S. I’m wondering if there was anything you’d like to see me write about. For instance, I was just watching TLC the other day, and there was Sexy Times in the ER where a guy used hot sauce where he really shouldn’t and all sorts of shenanigans took place ending up at the hospital! And TLC just keeps crankin’ out the weirdo shows like “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” in spite of the hot sauce incident and “Strange Addictions”. Latest one was a guy addicted to eating ONLY French Fries (way too edible there), and another dude who liked dressing up as a rubbery, cross-dressing doll. Also, there are several children’s shows I haven’t tackled to the ground yet, like Maisy Mouse, and Cailou, and who knows what other demon filled creations are out there to entertain our kids. There is also a certain population that never comments but really, really likes my posts about torturing virtual people. So anyhoo, let me know in the comments below if there’s something you’d like to see. Grats to all.
Alice (cause I’m so bold)
I’ve been doing a series in which I
rip apart showcase different fairy tales. The Things and I were thinking about Rapunzel the other day, specifically the many different versions, and how all are totally whack. Of course, I can’t really blame the witch. She’s just trying to protect her teenage stolen daughter. Who doesn’t want to just lock their kids up in a tower till they’re 21 or so? I figure if you put in an Xbox, an mp3 player, a cell phone, a computer tablet, and a large supply of Nachos, they’d be good up there alone for years.
And then it hit me. I wonder what our fairy tale characters would do if they had access to cell phones? Let’s look and see.
Rapunzel: OMG I have been like grounded for six years!
Snow White: What’d you do?
Rapunzel: Grew boobs. My mom is SO MEAN. I never get to go anywhere!
Cinderella: At least she doesn’t make you do chores all the time like my stepmom.
Belle: My dad got me imprisoned by a real beast. Ugh, boys.
Miller’s Daughter: My dad got me stuck spinning straw into gold or like I was dead!
Snow White: Aw, it wasn’t so bad. That short dude helped you out.
Miller’s Daughter: Oh, yeah, like I totally have to guess his name now. Anyone know?
Cinderella: Wait, WTF is YOUR name?
Miller’s Daughter: Um . . .
Snow White: My stepmom tried to murder me. Twice.
Cinderella: Okay, you win.
Ariel: My mom’s dead.
Cinderella: Jeez, Ariel, you’re like, such a downer.
Ariel: I talk to fish.
Snow White: Wait, Rapunzel why did you friend her?
Rapunzel: I think we’re forgetting the important thing here. Me.
Sleeping Beauty: Yawn. Did I miss something?
Snow White: Uh, duh, Aurora. Stay awake.
Sleeping Beauty: Just a few more minutes . . .
Rapunzel: It is like, SO boring in this tower. I wish someone would come over.
Belle: Couldn’t you like just cut your hair and climb down it?
Rapunzel: You think you’re so smart. Your boyfriend has major body hair issues.
Belle: At least I have one.
Cinderella: Ooh, snap.
Rapunzel: It took me like 500 hours to shampoo and style my hair. I am NOT cutting it.
Cinderella: Ooh Gus just texted me – the ball’s about to start.
Snow White: Mice text you?
Rapunzel: Doesn’t anybody care?
Ariel: I want to be part of your worllllld.
Rapunzel: Hey I don’t remember friending you. Go bother some fish.
Charming: Hey, baby. I can come over if you want.
Rapunzel: Oh, yes!
Snow White: Hey, you’re MY boyfriend
Cinderella: Uh, no, he’s MY boyfriend
Sleeping Beauty: What? Like, no, he’s my boyfriend . . .
Cinderella: You girls are DREAMING. He’s mine.
Charming: Oh oh.
Pardon me while I take a break from our regularly scheduled interviews to report some of my findings. In order to properly get you in the mood, I invite you to watch this short from the 1960s advertising cars, kitchen appliances, and insanity, made easier by the snarky observations of Josh Way.
Has your brain sufficiently melted yet? Good. That will make the rest of this go down much easier. Because, you see, I have had a slight problem lately with rage. Here are a few of the reasons why.
1. What Ana’s wearing
Suffice it to say, I don’t give a shit what she’s wearing. Ever. I mean, yes, it might help to have a little description of your character’s dress, say when they first meet each other, or if they’re meeting each other after a long breakup (like three days) or if it, I dunno, has something to do with the freaking plot.
But no, we get to learn what Ana wears every single time she gets dressed. And considering how often she gets undressed, this adds up to a hell of a lot of description. I don’t care that she’s wearing a gray pencil skirt, or pantyhose, or 20 inch heels. It really is like James is playing dress up with her mini me. “Oooh, hot me would look good in this.” You really can’t convince me this woman is over twelve. You just can’t.
And for God’s sake, if I hear about her roommate’s plum dress one more time, I’m going to scream. Stop it, James. STOP IT NOW.
2. The emails.
OMFG, the emails. I have never read a book where an entire email was featured ever. And yet she uses this stupid plot device constantly. Over and over and over and over. It makes me not want to email again ever. Certainly not with cutesy sayings in the subject lines. I think this is designed to make the characters sound charming, but it doesn’t, it makes them sound like morons. And if we’re going to have them do this, make them at least sound like modern morons. Have them text each other. That’s what modern morons do constantly.
Example: Christian says: ana u r sxy omg
Ana says: thnx u r sxy 2. wnt 2 hav sxx? w/ btplgs?
Christian and Ana texting would be annoying, but at least it would be shorter. They spend so much time emailing each other, it’s a wonder they have time for all the sex.
3. The sex
I actually fell asleep today while reading a sex scene. I’m not kidding. They have gotten so boring and repetitive that if you were to take a drink every time they mention certain things, you would be drunk before the first page was through. And these scenes go on for pages. And pages. And pages.
For instance: Take a drink anytime one of the following things happens.
Christian orders Ana to come.
A foil packet is ripped.
Ana says “Oh, my.”
There is mention of Christian’s massive erection.
Ana reports that Christian tastes “mighty fine” (VOMIT)
Christian is spent or finds his release
Ana shouts “Arghh.”
Christian touches her sex (James has still not figured out vagina)
Ana says “Jeez.”
Note: No character should say “Jeez” during sex. Unless said character is the Beaver. And then I really don’t want to know about it.
There is just so much more. So, so, so much more. But that’s all I have right now. There’s no sense beating my breast about what’s happened in the past, right? That’s what Dr. Flynn would say, because Dr. Flynn is a genius. I am looking forward to the future. Which will be the same as the past. Awful. You know, some people improve as they write, but she somehow manages to get even worse. This shouldn’t be humanly possible.
But it is. Oh, it is. And there’s going to be a movie of this. And not on Lifetime (which would be perfect) but the big screen. I can’t even imagine. I don’t want to imagine. But you know I’ll watch it.
I am a very sad person. But my sacrifice, and that of the great Speaker, has not been forgotten. Observe my most fabulous award in the history of ever, created by Madame Weebles.