Weekly Horoscope is Back!
That’s right, folks! Recently my psychic abilities have returned to me after fleeing in terror during my coverage of 50 Shades. Now that they’re back, I feel I should use my powers of prophecy to predict your fortune this week. Sure the week is technically almost over, but now you can know what you should have done earlier. I’m helpful that way.
Anyway, I figured I would once again divine your fortune from the wrappers of Dove candies. They work even better than tea leaves. No guesswork. Plus I’ve yet to get the Death sign from one of these things, so you’re probably safe. It was a sacrifice, scarfing 12 candies from the candy bowl on my coworker’s desk, but there is nothing I won’t do for my loyal readers – not when their past future is at stake!
Since I’m the psychic, I have helpfully translated these complex riddles for you.
Aries (The Ram): Mar 21 – Apr 19
Dove candy wrapper say: It’s definitely a bubble bath day
Alice say: What if you don’t have any bubble bath? Or a tub? Well, you’re screwed, that’s what.
Taurus (The Bull): April 20 – May 20
Dove candy wrapper say: You already look gorgeous, gorgeous
Alice say: Dove candy is sincere. They would never suck up to you suckily.
Gemini (The Twins): May 21 – June 20
Dove candy wrapper say: Be good to yourself today
Alice say: Eat more chocolate. Then get on the scale and blame Dove.
Cancer (The Crab): June 21 – July 22
Dove candy wrapper say: Escape for a moment
Alice say: We’ll let you out of the pen for fifteen minutes, then back in ya go!
Leo (The Lion): July 23 – August 22
Dove candy wrapper say: You worked hard – promise yourself an award.
Alice say: Promise yourself an Emmy. Wait for results.
Virgo (The Virgin): August 23 – September 22
Dove candy wrapper say: You’re invited to relax today
Alice say: Take some tranquilizers.
Libra (The Scales): September 23 – October 22
Dove candy wrapper say: Unwrap, Breathe, Enjoy
Alice say: In that order. Better get some candy, stat.
Scorpio (the Scorpian): October 23 – November 21
Dove candy wrapper say: Tempt your sense of exploration
Alice say: Really explore that sense. Everywhere. Try using a brush.
Sagittarius (The Centaur): November 22 – December 21
Dove candy wrapper say: Discover yourself
Alice say: Be like Christopher Columbus, if you know what I mean, wink, wink.
Capricorn (The Goat): December 22 – January 19
Dove candy wrapper say: Your smile is your best accessory
Alice say: Who needs clothes? Not when you’re exploring and discovering yourself, you don’t!
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): January 20 – February 18
Dove candy wrapper say: Buy flowers for yourself
Alice say: You also don’t need a significant other. See fortunes above.
Pisces (The Fish): February 19 – March 20
Dove candy wrapper say: Dance with your heart
Alice say: Do not attempt without a skilled physician present.