Tag Archives: the future

Weekly Horoscope is Back!

That’s right, folks!  Recently my psychic abilities have returned to me after fleeing in terror during my coverage of 50 Shades.  Now that they’re back, I feel I should use my powers of prophecy to predict your fortune this week.  Sure the week is technically almost over, but now you can know what you should have done earlier.  I’m helpful that way.

Anyway, I figured I would once again divine your fortune from the wrappers of Dove candies.  They work even better than tea leaves.  No guesswork.  Plus I’ve yet to get the Death sign from one of these things, so you’re probably safe.   It was a sacrifice, scarfing 12 candies from the candy bowl on my coworker’s desk, but there is nothing I won’t do for my loyal readers – not when their past future is at stake!

Predicting the future one chocolate at a time.

Predicting the future one chocolate at a time.

Since I’m the psychic, I have helpfully translated these complex riddles for you.

Aries (The Ram): Mar 21 – Apr 19

Dove candy wrapper say: It’s definitely a bubble bath day

Alice say: What if you don’t have any bubble bath? Or a tub?  Well, you’re screwed, that’s what. 

Taurus (The Bull): April 20 – May 20

Dove candy wrapper say: You already look gorgeous, gorgeous

Alice say: Dove candy is sincere.  They would never suck up to you suckily.

Gemini (The Twins): May 21 – June 20

Dove candy wrapper say: Be good to yourself today

Alice say: Eat more chocolate.  Then get on the scale and blame Dove.

You suck, Dove.

You suck, Dove.

Cancer (The Crab): June 21 – July 22

Dove candy wrapper say: Escape for a moment

Alice say: We’ll let you out of the pen for fifteen minutes, then back in ya go!

Leo (The Lion): July 23 – August 22

Dove candy wrapper say: You worked hard – promise yourself an award.

Alice say: Promise yourself an Emmy.  Wait for results.

Virgo (The Virgin): August 23 – September 22

Dove candy wrapper say: You’re invited to relax today

Alice say: Take some tranquilizers.

If that doesn't work, try the library.

If that doesn’t work, try the library.

Libra (The Scales): September 23 – October 22

Dove candy wrapper say: Unwrap, Breathe, Enjoy

Alice say: In that order.  Better get some candy, stat.

Scorpio (the Scorpian): October 23 – November 21

Dove candy wrapper say: Tempt your sense of exploration

Alice say: Really explore that sense.  Everywhere.  Try using a brush.

Sagittarius (The Centaur): November 22 – December 21

Dove candy wrapper say: Discover yourself

Alice say: Be like Christopher Columbus, if you know what I mean, wink, wink.

Capricorn (The Goat): December 22 – January 19

Dove candy wrapper say: Your smile is your best accessory

Alice say: Who needs clothes?  Not when you’re exploring and discovering yourself, you don’t!

Aquarius (The Water Bearer): January 20 – February 18

Dove candy wrapper say: Buy flowers for yourself

Alice say:  You also don’t need a significant other.  See fortunes above.

Pisces (The Fish): February 19 – March 20

Dove candy wrapper say: Dance with your heart

Alice say:  Do not attempt without a skilled physician present.

Stay tuned next week to find out what you should have done last week!