Tag Archives: Thing Two

Angsty Christmas songs for the young scamp

I have a guest blogger today, my daughter, the one and only Thing Two.  She has her own blog now, but it’s private so I’m showing you a bit today.  How about some angsty Xmas songs from one who knows best, a teen?

Hoo boy, Christmas. Wow, what a wonderful holiday. I can’t wait for my seasonal depression to consume me this holiday. What joy this holiday brings, I wait every year despite the knowledge that my emotions are going to plant sharp, welcoming needles for every step I take. Wait, that’s everyday… Christmas is basically every day. Christmas is literally just a pointless, commercial black hole that everyone falls into. At least Hanukkah has a meaning, December 25th isn’t even Jesus’s birthday. Dec 25 was probably the day Jesus was betrayed by freaking Judas. Anyway, I’m an angsty millennial person, and there are songs for that (that was an intro? That was like choking on sprinkles.)


7. All I want for Christmas is you- My Chemical Romance

Now, you’re looking at the title and saying to yourself “That song is not angsty, it’s a Christmas classic!” Well, that’s because of it being a cover, but how can a cover be angsty? Just listen to Gerard Way’s vocals. It only takes him about twenty seconds till he starts to scream angerly into his mic. After you hear this… it’s unhearable. You’ll start to believe the way Gerard sings the song is the original way, which in my opinion is far superior to how it is originally sung. The original keeps the same tempo and style the whole way through, while this one spices it up. It’s good to have an overused song get a more grungy feel, it gives hot topic something to play on the holidays.

6. Don’t Shoot me Santa- The killers

You better have a good reason for Santa to put down that ak-47. Now this cheerful tune is a classic for all years round, just be careful cause saint nick has a bullet in his gun.

“Oh, Santa
I’ve been killing just for fun
Well, the party is over kid
Because I, because I got a bullet in my gun
(A bullet in your what?)
Don’t shoot me Santa Clause
I’ve been a clean living boy
I promise you, did every little thing you ask me to
I can’t believe the things I’m going through”
Well, what positive vibes I’m getting from those lyrics. Well, in Germany they have Krampus…so I guess the emos have this Santa. First of all, what did this kid do that was so terrible the death penalty was fair? And why is Santa the one doing this? I infer this song takes place in Texas, cause everyone and their tapeworms have guns in Texas, and the death penalty is welcomed in any county (except Austin). In a literal and metaphorical sense, this song is angsty all the way.  In a metaphorical sense, it’s the angstiest. Now, what makes a song quote on quote”angsty” is a thick metaphor hidden beneath it, and lyrics that sound like they’d be on a scene kid’s myspace. This song is one of the most meaningful on this list. The boy in this song is feeling guilty about something is admits to, and he had no reason to do it. Santa represents everyone he loved and who was close to him. He fears that the one thing he did is going to make everyone turn on him, and he becomes a target. Or in another sense, this is someone struggling with intense anxiety, fearing everything they do is wrong and they will be terrible judged, when really its just a small mistake. D e e p

5. Santa stole my Girlfriend – The Maine
Santa really needs to calm down. He’s gone off the rails…too many kids asked for Nintendo switches. Santa doesn’t have the money for that. He tried to become a hitman and murder some kids that wanted the switches, but it just made it worse. Mrs.clause divorced him…he has to find a new one. That’s why he stole a girlfriend.
” I saw them dancing under mistletoe
Thought it was nothing but I guess I didn’t know
(I guess I didn’t know)
That there was something going on with them
Santa, you player, I thought we were friends”
The meaning of this one is pretty obvious, guy loses the girl to a way better guy, end of story. Just…why use Santa? Santa didn’t deserve to be framed.

4. Yule shoot your eye out- Fall out Boy
Me and fall out boy, we’ve got some good memories. Like the time I ate icing from a cup during an existential crisis while listening to a whole album, yep, good times. Fall out Boy is actually one of my favorite bands…so let’s see what they have to offer.
“One awkward silence
And two hopes you cry yourself to sleep
Staying up, waiting by the phone
And all I want this year is for you to dedicate your last breath to me
Before you bury yourself alive
Don’t come home for Christmas
You’re the last thing I want to see
Underneath the tree
Merry Christmas, I could care less”
I can feel the emo in me try to break free. I feel like this song is how the Republican party feels about Trump right now. This is the one song you would hear at some sort of angry poetry slam. If I was at an angry poetry slam, I’d read this and dedicate it to ajit pai (while writing this, my auto-correct wanted to correct “pai” to “pain” and I couldn’t agree more). I’m afraid Ajit Pai is going to be the one thing I despise under my tree this year.

I attempted to play this song on the ukulele… I regretted even trying.
3. Merry Christmas kiss my a**- All time low
This song is also one I’d like to dedicate to Ajit Pai. If this title alone doesn’t spell angsty, I don’t know what angst is anymore.
“And I hope you’re happy with yourself
‘Cause I’m not laughing
Don’t ya think, it’s kind of crappy
What you did this holiday?
When I gave you my heart
You ripped it apart
Like the wrapping paper trash
So I wrote you a song
Hope that you sing along
And it goes Merry Christmas
Kiss my a**”
Don’t break up with any of the All time low members… actually, please don’t date them at all. I Don’t even have to analyze this song… it speaks for its self.

2. Merry merry merry frickin Christmas-  frickin A
It just gets better and better, doesn’t it? I actually really adore this song. I listen to it every year, and it still makes me want to sit in my grandma’s hallway attempting to avoid my family.
“Schools out, Christmas break
Home for the holiday’s meatloaf and fruitcake
Off to grandmas, it’s so boring
Screaming kids and grandpa’s snoring
My aunt Margaret’s lost her mind
She’s trippin’ on a train set, have another box of wine
It’s gonna be a merry merry merry frickin’ Christmas
I must be on Santa clauses sh**list
The tree, the gifts, the mistletoe kiss
Shoot me now I’m sick of all my relatives
Have a merry merry merry frickin’ Christmas”
There’s also another version of this song, but I prefer this one since its more angsty. I know who is on Santa clauses sh**list though…(hint: his name happens to rhyme with pit die).
Note: the only video I could find of this version was Ouran high school host club… which I doubt you’d want to watch a whole bunch of highly romanticized gay boys dance around ( i actually used to watch that anime and I don’t know why) so…enjoy a harry potter version.

1. This Christmas (I’ll burn it to the ground)- Set it off
Oh Set it off, I loved you in 5th grade…now I’m not too sure. My and my friend both used to listen to this and talk about how much we related to it, which sounds psychotic but aren’t all 5th graders psychotic? I believe 5th grade was when I watched Minecraft videos and read creepypastas… I also had really edgy characters I made (one was literally named “blood stitch” and if I told you the story of that character, I would physically not be able to talk about it cause of how pure blooded cringe it is). My point is, this song is edgy, I’m still edgy, let’s listen to some edge.
“Oh my God, it’s here, this awful time of year
How I hate the snow is falling
Wealthy neighbors bragging about the gifts they’re getting
Hey Jack! They say, let me take a guess now! You’re getting K-Mart clothes again!
And then, I had a revelation!
This is my chance to sew their lips clean shut with fear
This Christmas, I’ll burn it to the ground!
This Christmas, Santa’s skipping town!
This Christmas, everything will change, when they see the flames
This Christmas day!”
You’re probably magically wearing black now. Just accept it, this song has the power to make Michelle Obama want to burn down her vegetable stash in anger.

Last Christmas I was emo, now it’s coming back. I blame this list for that.
Merry Christmas to all and to all an angsty night


The Republican and the Democrat: A Love Story Part Two

We’re back with Thing Two’s captivating story of two vampires people torn apart by POLITICS.  Can the two ever be together, what with the probable different number of chromosomes?  Let’s find out in part two of: The Republican and the Democrat: A Love Story.



Ken went on the wonderful web and looked for a good lookin’ dating website for him to find a new gal.

“Hey this one looks swell.” He took a deep breath and started on Democrathotties.com

Name: Kennedy

Gender: male

Voting for: Bernie Sanders

Hobbies: Having long debates on the beach

More about ME: My favorite color is blue, my favorite animal is a donkey, and my uncle is

Bernie Sanders, and I live in a cardboard house since I donated all my money to orphans, plus I’m poor….cool right!!!???

*insert hawt picture*

Before he had decided which angle, or whether he wanted to have his shirt on or not for his “hawt” picture, he got 2 requests already. The first girl was named Bindi Roosevelt, who also liked Donkeys. The other girl was named Katy Reagan…and her picture had her in a red bikini, next to 3 guns. Being bewildered on how such a Republican appeared on a Democratic dating site, he rejected both. His dog started to howl loudly as he finally took his needed picture and went to bed …. dreaming about rich little Marsha.

Ken on his cardboard computer in his eco-friendly cardboard house - with wifi.

Ken on his cardboard computer in his eco-friendly cardboard house – with wifi.




It was decided, Ken was going on a date with Harley Quinn Willson.  Ken got into his eco-friendly gear and set off  to meet a new companion.  Ken road his special hot pink, gas reduced, Beatles signed (its not REALLY signed by the Beatles…he just happened to mistake a man with a long fringe cut walking down the street for Ringo.) flower smelling bike of magic. On the way to the meeting place, a quick yet sincere thought whipped past his mind…maybe……. just maybe……..he could get a Ringo haircut.

Ken finally got to the internet cafe where he was to meet his new more than friends friend (hopefully). He parked his Beatle bike and swayed into the cafe. He sat down at a table and made sure that no crumbs had stayed undefeated with a brush of his hand …. and he waited.




Marsha put on her black Prada sandals, and put up her coat. She checked her bed for BB’s, and texted her new boyfriend who went by the name “Chad” which most likely stood for Courageous Happy-go lucky Amazing Democrat hater. A knock came from the north of the house…it was Chad!

“Hey!!” Marsha was so excited to get to know this new man. “Hi Chad!”

“Actually my name is Alejandro, I just shortened it to Chad.” Marsha couldn’t find what sounded weird about that but who cares!!??

“Well, are we ready?” he asked.

Masha got on her billion dollar hat worn by the queen of England.  “Yep! All ready!!”

They set off on their journey to the cafe.

“Hey…this place sounds good, maybe we can eat here.” he said.

Marsha thought it was a great idea…it smelled pretty good in there. They walked in and Marsha sat down while Chad grabbed some napkins. Marsha looked around the place, it looked pretty nice except….

             Kennedy was there!!!!


The suspense is killing you, I’m sure.  We’ll find out what happens next in part three of the thrilling saga of those political lovebirds.  Thing Two was kind enough to leave a message for me at the end of her writing.  Here it is.

*Dear mom, if you are reading this then your prob editing…just so you know, your doing a great job and i love you*

I have pretty amazing kids.


Fairy Tale Crime Scene

This is what happens when I let Thing Two put my dolls back in the case.  I come back to find this.  These dolls are from the movie Tangled.  The sleeve belongs to Mother Gothel, who didn’t quite make it into the shot.  She is holding a knife over Flynn while Rapunzel recoils in horror.  Not sure whether to be proud or worried . . .

CSI Disney?

CSI Disney?


Disney Hunger Games: The Interviews Part Two with t2

Disclaimer to the disclaimer: The following words, opinions, and creative forms of grammar are that of Thing 2 and Thing 2 alone.  Alice had nothing to do with it.  She swears.  Now for Thing Two:

Before we start i would just like to note: Hans is a brony but no one knew, and i have no problem with that and neither should you,bronies are NOT gay, people can like what they like and there is no one to stop you and no one should judge anyone that way, its bloody america the only way to stop someone is the bloody law and if you are a brony or like “girl things” don’t be afraid to be yourself and stand up for people, no one can tell you no….you are your own person and they are just a heartless (kingdom hearts reference!) thank you for your time


see! if girls can like ponies than so can boys! and anna agrees!

see! if girls can like ponies than so can boys! and anna agrees!

                                                                                        ——————          ♥     T    ♣   2   ♠       —————

Welcome welcome to more interviews (with thing two!) As i continue to be young and adorable while i typedy type type on mom’s computer, Hans

continues the evil plan. Not many changes have happened, lets recap our last interviews!

Prince p and Aurora

ariel the non mermaid and stupid eric

bella belle and beast

merida and her wee little devil brothers

All the way from the Southern Isles, it's Hans - out on probation!

All the way from the Southern Isles, it’s Hans

Hans: welcome back to the hunger games interviews! Today we will interview the following:

Snow and prince dude

Kristoff and Anna

John smith and Poco

Prince charming and Cindy

Peter pan and Tinkerbell

sora and riku

(i wish i could add sora and riku from kingdom hearts but mom would not allow it)

Hans: Ok now here is our first interview of the day, everyone welcome…… Cinderella!

Hans: so welcome to the show cinder! do you look familar..... cindy: oh your like my rebel dress? i can't belive i was brave anof to show my clean...hairless...beatiful..... hans: ohhhhh okay now lest not get to wild,next!

Hans: so welcome to the show cinder!
do you look familiar…..
Cindy: oh your like my rebel dress? I can’t belive I was brave enough to show my fabulous legs!
Hans: ohhhhh okay now lest not get to wild,next!

Hans: so tell me anna do you hhave any love intrests? Anna:it's none of your busniess sicko

Hans: so tell me anna do you hhave any love interests?
Anna:it’s none of your busniess sicko

well it looks like Hans is playing hook line and sinker….but anna is not taking the bait.

Hans: so kristzofs kris: its kristoff Hans well merry krismas! HAHAHaa? kris: its not funny hans: whoops, heh sorry

Hans: so kristzofs
Kris: its kristoff
Hans: well merry krismas! HAHAHaa?
Kris: it’s not funny
Hans: whoops, heh sorry

kris: NO ONE CALLS ME KRIZOFF!!!! hans: THIS is a bittt too accseesive!!!

Hans: THIS is a bittt too excessive!

Up next uhh……Prince kit…charming…whatever you want to call him

Hans: so charming, tell me a bit about yourself.... pc:Ohhh uh i     like shoes? hans:okay then thats intresting next!

Hans: so charming, tell me a bit about yourself….
P.C.:Ohhh uh i like shoes?
Hans:okay then that’s interesting next!

now its the one and only neverlandian….. PETER PAN!

Hans: whoa peter, what in arendell happed to you? peter: i steped on tink and she turned me tiny and made me look like an elf that kills chickens HAns: well that sucks

Hans: whoa peter, what in arendell happed to you?
Peter: I steped on tink and she turned me tiny and made me look like an *elf that kills chickens
Hans: well that sucks

hans: peter can you please get out from under the couch? peter: not unless you give me a triangle cracker!!! hans: how about a gingerbread house? peter: deal.

Hans: peter can you please get out from under the couch?
peter: not unless you give me a triangle cracker!!!
Hans: how about a gingerbread house?
peter: deal.

up next……… Tinkerbell!

Hans: uhh hi? tink: don't ask buster or i'll fairy dust you butt to the wall

Hans: uhh hi?
tink: don’t ask buster or I’ll fairy dust you butt to the wall

up now is……*drumroll*……Pocahontas!

Hans: so poco how will you plan to win? poco: i plan to not use violance but.....

Hans: so poco how will you plan to win?
Poco: i plan to go if i have to but…..

but..i gave birth to the son of the sun god Hans:uh sorry poco, but we all know what your doing poco: dangnabit poco:UHHH i mean.....ohfolled again?

but..i gave birth to the son of the sun god
Hans:uh sorry poco, but we all know what you’re doing
poco: dangnabit
Poco:UHHH i mean…..ohfolled again?

next is the adventurer and poco’s loved husband (lets pretend the sequel NEVER happened)

hans: so john how do you plan to win the games? john:oh i plan to use my awesome strengh and dramatic posing! hans: you sound so much like your wife! you guys must be a POWER couple!

Hans: so john how do you plan to win the games?
John :oh i plan to use my awesome strength and dramatic posing!
Hans: you sound so much like your wife! you guys must be a POWER couple!

now we interview prince dude!

Hans: so dude do you have any hobbies that you would like to share dude: i like to kiss -derp- Hans: oh thats nnice... dude:their lips are soooo hans:OOOOK TIM next!

Hans: so dude do you have any hobbies that you would like to share
dude: i like to kiss -derp-
Hans: oh thats nnice…
dude:their lips are soooo
hans:OOOOK TMI next!

up next following her super weird and bloody dumb husband….SNOW WHITE!

Snow:OH HIIIIIIII MY NAME IS…. Hans: hello mrs.white, so how are you planning to win the games? snow: OHHHH im not planing to cause violence, I’m going to SING my way out! Hans:well good luck with that

well that’s all for today folks! make sure to leave a comment to vote for who you think should win! (i still think sora and riku should TOTALLY be in the games) and no butts were harmed in the making of this post, or Hans.

stay tuned for PART 3!

anna says to continue watching for part 3! she loves you as much as she loves the plushies in my room :3

Anna says to continue watching for part 3! she loves you as much as she loves the plushies in my room :3

*and here is a little something for people who found out who peter and tink REALLY are

Enter the world of thing2: minecraft obsession

Hello, its thing two here. Mom had fell down last night and wailed right next to my sisters room (and never heard a thing somehow) while i was working my way to the matrix of sleeping.Then i heard a big wail and had a sigh of greif  “gosh darn thing1, not another nightmare of being at grandmas.” i stumbled out of my bunk and fell on the second step to find mom on the floor covered in laundry. She turned out to have a broken toe and fractured wrist,so no typing for her.  So she decided I should write a post today cause of all my 100’s i got in writing. So here it goes.


Ever since my friend had showed me the awesomeness that could happen in a survial game i am now in a objective i like to call “minecraftian slave” i watch minecraft videos every single day. if you don’t know what minecraft is then let me simply explain it to you



minecraft is a real life based game where you have to survive in the wild to live, you can build, craft and mine (duh its called MINEcraft). there are also mobs to avoid such as spiders,zombies,creepers,enderman,skeletons, and also cute animals that roam around and you kill for food and villagers that you can trade.

minecraft is an amazing game advalibile on xbox, pc and tablet that lets just say MOST AWESOME ADICTING GAME EVER X3!!!!!!!!! adventaly i don’t have the game, so i just watch lots of videos here are some minecraft youtubers i watch


2. stampylonghead



5.The diamond minecart

6. Minecraftuniverse

7. team crafted

Do you get it now? just in case RANDOM POPULARMMOS VIDEO ABOUT BLOWING THINGS UP!!!! (link drop!)

Thing Two’s Contest Entry

I told my nine-year-old daughter, Thing Two, about Evil Squirrel’s contest.  She insisted on submitting her own entry.  Here it is unedited.  Make of it – what you will.

One day, A Uni-kitty named Possum (in uni-kitty it means Dumb but) Was playing a squirrel on lego Batman 2 on his Wii until he felt something gross on his head for, it was a old dirty possum. This was unussal, Even for a uni-kitty. Possum freaked out and ran across da room until he ran into his Origami Yoda collection.

Note: Unikitty has telephathic powers

Note: Unikitty has telephathic powers

“WHO DA HECK R U DUDEZ?” Possum questioned. “Boy are you a super dumb but, for I am Gandolf the pink” Said the possum. “ GANDOLFZ WUT A WEIRD NAME!!!!” “ Like dude I am like the magi of

Gotham city yo!” Gandolf stated. Possem stared at the TV like Bella,

he felt pretty dumb. He knew EVERYTHING about Batman ,but he couldn’t say that he has heard of it before. “ Ugh, like I am a wizard so I

can do magic and do that thou shall not pass stuff.” The wizard replied.


Note: Pretty sure this still beats dj’s entry.

The Other Baby Story Part Two

If you haven’t already, see Part One here.

I fell apart.  In all my worries, never once had I worried that my baby wouldn’t be healthy.  I had to call my husband to take me home.  He handled this news like he did everything else.  Okay, we’ll deal with it.  I did not handle it quite so well, by which I mean I FREAKED THE HECK OUT.

Thank you, I think I will.

Thank you, I think I will.

My counselor who was thinking “Great she’s doing better.” heard this news and actually uttered a curse word.  He was in for it.  I will always remember his kindness, because he saw me many, many times while I was expecting, often writing off my visits since I was poor.  He kept me sane and out of the hospital.  Sadly, he died just a couple of years later of a brain tumor.  But I will never, ever forget him.

As it turned out, Thing Two’s brain was just fine – better than fine as we’d later learn.  The specialist’s assistant looked at my belly, and then the specialist looked at my belly – and tried to walk right out of the room.  I yelled at him to stop and asked how my baby was – after all I’d waited two weeks, fearing the worst but at last accepting that I would love this baby no matter what.  He said in his thick accent, “Look like healthy baby girl.”

I coulda told ya that, Mom.

I coulda told ya that, Mom.

And she was, thankfully, very, very healthy.  In fact, she was a soccer champion, kicking me constantly.  My husband noted that she did this far more than Thing One because I complained far more than I did with Thing One.  He also thought he should get to name Thing Two since I named Thing One.  I told him, great, that’s fair, how’s about you also carry and birth this one?  He shut up, but still refused to agree on a name with me.

As I got closer to the birth, weird things continued to happen.  I started getting dizzy and short of breath when out in public.  The doctors tested me for iron deficiency but I was just fine.  Totally normal during pregnancy, they said.  I also would sometimes get shooting pains when Thing Two shifted to certain areas, prompting me to simply stand where I was, trapped in some random aisle of Wal-Mart until I was rescued.  This was also totally normal in pregnancy.  I was fairly certain they would have told me growing a second head was also totally normal in pregnancy.

Thing One was very excited about the baby prospect, though she didn’t really understand it.  I bought her a doll house and a family complete with a baby.  She put the baby in the closet under the stairs, Harry Potter style.  I would put it into the crib and she’d come back later, frown, and diligently move the baby back under the stairs.  I was slightly concerned for Thing Two.

Mommy in the bed, baby under the stairs.  Check.

Mommy in the bed, baby under the stairs. Check.

Labor was definitely different this time around.  For one thing, I experienced actual labor pains.  I did not like them.  I went to the hospital, was told I wasn’t having good enough contractions, and sent home.  Thing One went to her grandparents, but before she did she peeped over my hospital bed and said “I love you, Mommy” for the first time.  I think I worried her just a bit.

Good thing she didn’t see me later.  When I went back to the hospital after a few hours, I was in pain, and it was bad.  The nurse put an outside baby monitor on me and said I was a big fakey whiner, essentially, because the monitor showed my contractions weren’t strong at all!  I told her that the outside monitor didn’t work on my first child, so they used an internal one.  Since my water had this time refused to break on its own, they couldn’t do that.  So the nurse just rolled her eyes when I screamed bloody murder.

My husband finally related that you know, generally my wife doesn’t scream so loudly you can hear her down the halls of the hospital unless she’s actually, you know, in real pain.  The nurse huffed and let me have some demerol, which was THE BEST THING EVER at least for a little while.  My husband left to get a sandwich.  About that time, the doctor finally showed up to check me and SURPRISE SURPRISE I had progressed from a 2 to an 8 with those teensy tinsey contractions!  Go figure!

Give me drugs or one of you DIES.

Give me drugs or one of you DIES.

They hurriedly gave me my epidural and got my husband back upstairs.  He didn’t get to eat his sandwich.  Sadface for him.  Since they waited so long to give the epidural, I found that it didn’t have time to actually work all the way.  They still charged me all the way later, though.  At any rate, I did manage to push anyway.  At one point my husband said, look, the head!  This was the point at which I decided I never wanted to see that part of me again, thanks.  Minutes later, Thing Two arrived in the world weighing 8 pounds, a pound and a half bigger than her sister.  And she was almost two weeks early.  I am thankful I never went full term.  I’d have had Hercules.

She had a bright red face and a shock of Pat Benatar-like black hair.  After staying with me through that screeching labor, my husband declared “She can name the baby anything she wants.”  I should have taken him up on that and named her something far out like Pocahontas, but fortunately for her, I chose a more suitable name.  (Hint: their names are not actually Thing One and Thing Two, though it would not surprise me if there are real children out there with those names, considering there is a baby named North West.)

Think this hair on a baby.

Think this hair on a baby.

When we brought her home, we were told that I was not to carry the baby in with me so that Thing One would not feel like she was being replaced.  So when I walked in and tried to hug my eldest, she placed her hands on her hips and demanded “Where is my baby sister?”  Ah, well, so much for that.  She thought Thing Two was the best thing ever invented, at least for a couple of years.

And you’ll be happy to know, she was never put under the stairs.

The Other Baby Story Part One

A long time back, I wrote about the baby story of Thing One.  Thing Two has been most irritated that I have not written about her yet.  There is a reason for this.  A lot of that story is filled with OH THE HORROR but I will try to recall it for her sake.

Look how happy and stylish she looks.  I did not look like this ever.

Look how happy and stylish she looks. I did not look like this ever.

Once we had Thing One a few years, we figured we pretty much had this parenting thing down.  I wanted another one, because I had STUPID which makes one think BABIEZZ all the time.  My husband was thinking more about diapers and money and our tiny house, but I was much more practical.  I thought BABIEZZ.  When we didn’t agree, I wrote a diary entry whining about how incredibly unfair life was.  I also told several other people at a marriage retreat about my sob story.  At this point, I was already pregnant, which people greatly enjoyed pointing out to me later.  Ha ha.

I took the pregnancy test and bang I got just what I wanted so obviously I started to PANIC like crazy.   What were we going to do?  We couldn’t afford a baby!  We had no idea what we were doing with Thing One!  When in danger, when in doubt, run in terror, scream and shout.  There was an entry in the baby book that asked what you first thought when you found out you were expecting the bundle of joy.  Terror did not seem like a nice thing to put in a baby book.

Expressions like "OMG" and not generally expected in memory books.

Expressions like “OMG” are not generally expected in memory books.

My husband, in typical fashion, just took it in stride like he always does.  Oh, a baby.  Okay.  Well, I have anxiety and depression, and combine that with pregnancy hormones and boy do you have a whale of a lot of fun.  Speaking of whales, I didn’t show in my pregnancy with Thing One until well into my 5th month.  With Thing Two, I was showing as soon as the stick turned pink.  I tried on my old maternity clothes and they were already too small.  Not a good sign.

In keeping with the animal theme, I was also sick as a dog, again, something I had conveniently forgotten about it.  Only this time, I got to take care of a three-year-old at the same time.  A three-year-old who had not yet potty-trained because hey, someone would change her diaper right?  This is a theme that continues with Thing One. Why do it when someone else will eventually get around to doing it for you?  Smart kid.  For instance, she had a great way of letting us know she’ d like some juice, please.



We had a slight communication problem going on because, as it turned out, Thing One had a verbal delay.  Her Sunday School teacher informed me about this, saying that by now she should be speaking in complete sentences.  My husband and I just thought we were really lucky to have a quiet kid.  Parenting Fail.  So I took her to a school and had her tested and found out she was way behind in a lot of areas, at least according to them.  “Hums herself to sleep as an infant” was not on their list.  I thought their list sucked, but more on that in another post.

The plus side of this was that they were willing to take her in a preschool program without her being potty-trained.  Hallelujah!  Just one problem.  I was so sick at this point that I couldn’t venture far without my good pal, bucket.  Many times I was in debt to my mother, who drove 15 miles to take Thing One to school when I was too green to climb out of bed.

Bucket, my erstwhile friend . . .

Bucket, my erstwhile friend . . .

I was also a big, whiny lump.  While pregnant with Thing One I managed to teach two graduate classes while also taking two graduate classes.  She was born less than a month after I finished my studies.  With Thing Two I was lucky to be able to walk from one side of the house to the other without either bawling or puking or some combination of both.  Thing One was either blissfully unaware most of the time or she was ignoring me, it was kind of hard to tell at that point.

Once I got past the worst of the morning sickness, I thought, hey, maybe I can make it.  We got a sonogram done, and I was anxious to find out what the gender was.  The technician told me confidently that she had never not been able to tell the gender of a baby.  She tried to get a lock on Thing Two, not knowing that my obgyn had tried that earlier and couldn’t even get a heartbeat because as soon as her stethescope touched me, Thing Two kicked her off and moved, then did it again, and again.  Thing Two had attitude from conception, I’m fairly certain.

Hi Mommy I'm going to use your uterus as my personal trampoline!

Hi Mommy I’m going to use your uterus as my personal trampoline!

She kept her knees together stubbornly.  The tech was determined though, and got her to turn over in my stomach. She did, keeping her legs together the entire time.  Finally the tech gave up, concluding that it must be a girl because the boys liked to show off their, um, parts early on while the girls were more demure.  Yes, demure, that sooo describes my Thing Two.

What I didn’t know at that time, was that they were also taking measurements and they found one they didn’t like.  So I went back the next month, and later was told something absolutely terrifying.  There was a possibility Thing Two might have down syndrome or possibly fluid on her brain.  The doctor was new, and just told me this casually in her office.  How would I find out?  Oh, I could see a specialist.  IN TWO WEEKS.

To be continued . . . but not in two weeks, promise.

The Noxzema Incident

I know several bloggers with small children.  Mostly I think oh thank GAWD that’s not me.  But if there’s one thing I occasionally envy, it  is their ability to chronicle all the goofy stuff their children do so they don’t forget.  I know my kids have done hundreds of things I don’t remember that were absolutely hilarious at the time.  But there are some incidents that stick out in my mind.

One we just call the Noxzema Incident.  A friend, I’ll call her L, and I were hanging out at her house one day.  Our usual activity was to sit in front of the TV with Thing Two, who was about two years old at the time, while her youngest (4) and my Thing one (6) ran off to play.  As long as we didn’t hear blood-curdling screams, we figured they were okay.  Since we had young children, and she had few stations, we OD’d daily on PBS.  She’s the one who came up with the idea for “Reefer Tree” which made much more sense than the nauseating “Big, Big World”.  Haven’t heard of that show?  Oh oh, LINK DROP!

Anyway, we were, as usual, sitting on the couch amongst piles of laundry (we looked at it sternly every once in a while, but rarely moved it), and Thing Two was on the floor putting marbles in her mouth, when I noticed an unusual smell. (Click to enlarge pictures I actually didn’t steal off Google Images!)

noxema 1Then we noticed, hey, the kids have been awfully quiet.  This is often a much worse sign than hearing actual screams.  So we got up and walked to the hallway.  The smell grew stronger.  Yup, definitely that delightful chemical smell of Noxzema.  WTF.  We kept walking toward her daughter’s room.  The smell got even stronger.  Then we heard her daughter, E, shout a warning to Thing One.

Uh oh.

Uh oh.

We reached the door and opened it.  There, attempting to hide in the toy box, were Thing One and E.  E was in her underwear, covered from head to toe in Noxzema.  There was also Noxzema on the floor, the furniture, and her older sister’s favorite dress.  Only Thing One had no Noxzema on her but only because she didn’t like to get messy at that age (This changed with therapy.  Why did we give her therapy again?)  I guess because of her cleanliness, she thought she could get away with it.

No honor among thieves.

No honor among thieves.

I informed her that she was in just as much trouble as her friend, even if she was only the getaway driver.  It’s not as if she attempted at any point to stop her little buddy.  The only problem was that while we were telling them they were in SUCH TROUBLE we were having to not laugh.  But our voices were wavering “You are in trouble, clean up this mess . . . no really, trouble, so . . . we’ll be back . . . to tell you . . . your punishment.”

Then we went back to the living room and laughed our heads off.

Thing Two is Nine

Behold Lord Vader - and my bad job in Paint!

Behold Lord Vader – and my bad job in Paint!

Today my baby is nine-years-old.  She has grown taller, but her personality was set before she was born.  No one can peg that kid down – she even ran away from the doctor’s stethoscope while still in the uterus.  She was born screaming her little head off, and hasn’t stopped making noise since then.  There’s never a doubt that kid is around, because she is constantly on the move, another project in the works.  She is beautiful, smart, clever, creative, funny as hell, and a sneaky little thing.  But if you know Thing Two and you don’t love her, you don’t have a heart.

Thing Two is a jubilant extrovert in a family of introverts.  We all wonder where she came from.  She’ll try to befriend absolutely anybody and very little embarrasses her.  Once when she was around two or three we were waiting in the doctor’s office.  A lady sat next to us and Thing Two talked to her about the wildest things as if they’d known each other for years.  The lady looked at me with a confused expression.  “She’s shy,” I said.  Another time when she was around four the nurse asked her if she’d had her shots.  She said “Yes, see?” and dropped her pants – right there in the waiting area.  So I had her with her pants down and Thing One (8 years old) flailing around like she was about to have a seizure because OMG little sister was showing her panties!  At least we provided entertainment.

Thing Two is dramatic, no matter the situation.  She is quick to anger and tears, but just as quick to laughter and smiles.  Don’t get on her bad side, though, or you will become, in her words “her mortal enemy.”  In reality, though, few people are enemies of Thing Two.  Most are friends, whether they are adults, children, stuffed animals or invisible creations.  Everything and everyone is worthy of celebration – with a party.  A big party with decorations and cue cards in case you forget your lines.  Once she even planned a surprise birthday party – for herself.

. . . to me!

. . . to me!

Speaking of parties, Saturday we had her birthday party. I’m not a fan of birthday parties.  Those involve things like other children, noise, mess, other children, lots of chaos, and other children. But her father (the tallest child at the party) planned it and he did an impressive job.  The theme was Star Wars since Thing Two is a tad obsessed with it, to say the least.  Four of her guests were boys.  My husband was thrilled – a party without Hello Kitty or My Little Pony or pink!

Each child received a light saber – a pool noodle cut in half.  They also got to create blasters with PVC pipe and black duct tape.  For another activity, they put her new stuffed Yoda in a backpack and ran a timed obstacle course like Luke while training with Yoda on his back.  He cut holes in empty washer fluid jugs and Thing Two stuck on them pictures she made of Padme and a bounty hunter and the Death Star, among others.  Did I mention she’s an awesome artist?  Anyway, for this game they NEEDED a Nerf rifle that shot little disks into the jugs.  And all over the church gym we had rented ( If at all possible, do not have parties at your own house.)

There were Darth Vader masks for each kid.  These did not come assembled, which really should have been explained on the outside of the bag thanks so much.  Thankfully, a few dads were around to do the mechanics of mask making.  For refreshments we made cupcakes and decorated them with Vader and  storm trooper rings and  light saber picks.  I ordered these decorations off Amazon.  Behold our amazing work.

Clearly I am not Martha Stewart.

Clearly I am not Martha Stewart.

The kids had a blast (literally).  Including the Things, there were eight children running around, “shooting” each other with their pipe blasters, whacking balloons (oh that delightful POP) and smacking the daylights out of each other with pool noodles.  My husband was in the middle of most of this, targeting small children with the Nerf gun.  I was in the corner practicing yoga breathing techniques.

After the party, my husband and I collapsed.  All done!  Until next Monday, when Thing One becomes a teenager.  Oy.