Tag Archives: this book will never end it will go on and on my friend some idiot started writing it not knowing what it was and she’ll just keep on writing it forever just because

50 Shades Flunked Lesson Eighteen

Chapter eighteen.  We made it.  Only four more to go . . . wtf?  There are 25 chapters in this one?  What?  Why?  When did this happen?  Did she just add these?  This book is a self-contained freaking Wonderland.  Just – honestly, what is left to say?  I can’t imagine.  What could possibly happen to Ana and Christian next?  Do you think they will A) have sex B) have sex or C) have sex or D) have some more fucking sex!!!
Oooh, this is the part where they have sex in the wood chipper!

Oooh, this is the part where they have sex in the wood chipper!

You know, I just realized something.  They should hand out these books at those Sex Addict Anonymous meetings.  I swear to you, reading these stupid sex scenes could almost make you promise to be celibate the rest of your life.  How some women get turned on by them I don’t . . . it doesn’t compute.

Whatever.  Last time, I asked the burning STD question “In the next chapter . . .(A). Ana’s dad dies, and Ana and Christian have sex on the casket during the funeral. (B). While Ray lies in a coma, Ana has a surprise birthday party and afterward screws her hubby. (C). For her birthday, Ana receives a tacky bracelet, a car, and a new vagina!”  For all of you who guessed C . . . close, but no banana.  Even that visual . . . I . . . anyway, it was wrong.  So was (A).  Ana’s dad doesn’t die, but I don’t rule out them having sex in or on a coffin at some point in the future.

Even dead they'd probably email each other.

Even dead they’d probably email each other.

Ruby suggested a new point deduction for James when she mentions TV, books, or music we like.  “The Philadelphia Story is my favorite movie ever, of all time, and I had forgotten about that somehow, and we now have RubyRage.  Extra 50 point deduction right there.”   On it, Ruby!

Ana wakes up at the Heathman and we get this fascinating exchange.  “Good morning, Ana,” he whispers.  “Hi,” I mutter.  “Hi,” he replies.  Okay, so there were a few other words in there, like that Christian looked hot, but ugh, really, are there editors?  Anywhere? (Bored Now, Facepalm)   Christian gives Ana a bracelet for her birthday – it’s from Cartier, not that Ana name drops! (AnaFail)  And on the bracelet are charms for some of the places they’ve done it.  Wow.  There’s a helicopter – guess what it stands for you will never guess it’s Charlie Tango! (AliceScreams) Also there’s his stupid yacht thing, a bed (subtle), and an ice cream cone.  Christian says it stands for vanilla sex, but all I can think of is that time they used vanilla ice cream IN their sex and arghhh, thank you for triggering that memory, James, thanks so much. (AliceScreams)

Aw, these are a few of my least favorite things.

Guess what, you guyz? A reader let me know about this bracelet that you can totally buy with handcuffs, a tie, and a computer – to remind you of the binding, gagging, and emailing!

Oh, yeah, and there’s a picture locket (Ana says for a picture of Christipooo!), a “C” (for crap I think), and a key. “To my heart and soul,” Christian whispers (AlicePukes)  and Ana gets all teary and jumps in his lap.  God, that’s so original.  Then Ana goes to brush her teeth and remembers how she sexily shared Christian’s toothbrush once (noooo, I had forgotten that!!!!) (Flashback abuse) and notes that she looks pale (we know!!!) and says she’s married at 22!  She’s old! (AliceScreams, One giant Ana Fail).  I hate Ana.

They get in the elevator (and James is filming every second of this) and they remember this is the elevator where he first stuck his tongue in her mouth and ground his down there into her down there, and they start making out. (FacePalm, Flashback Abuse)  This is exactly the sort of thing I’d do if my father were on a ventilator.  Nothing turns me on like a dear relative in a coma! (WTF)

Christian gives Ana another tiny gift – no, not a vagina, though surely she could use a new one by now.  It’s a . . . brand new car!!!! (canned applause).  (BoredNow) They get to the hospital, and Christi-poo is talking on the Elmo phone again (we only hear one side of the conversation) but he is pissed.  He learns that the drunk who hit Ray was trailer trash from southeast Portland! (RedFlag) A hello out there to all you trailer trash from southeast Portland from E.L. James! (FacePalm)

I bet they name a town in James' honor.  Trailer Trash Jamestown!

I bet they name a town in James’ honor. Trailer Trash Jamestown!

Christian gets more phone calls, one about having to fire two of his people, and Ana yawns. (AnaFail)  Ana, you stupid bitch.  After the brain scan reveals Ray still has a brain (unlike Ana), Ana gets a new dress blah blah and we hear more flashbacks (remember when you puked in the azaleas, Ana?  How about when I first had you sign that sex slave contract?  Mem-o-riessss!) (FacePalm, Flashback Abuse)  They get to a private room at the Heathman and Surprise!  Christian has thrown Ana a surprise birthday party!  So that’s why Ana stressed for a day over not being able to reach her Mom!  Totally appropriate! (WTF, Red Flag, I hate this book).

Christian says that Ray would want them to have fun while a machine pumps oxygen for him, so they do, though Ana must “hold back the tears”.  Yeah.  Sure.  Jose’s dad says he thought Ana would have been a great daughter-in-law, you know, had she gone for his son, the guy who nearly raped her once while drunk. (RedFlag, WTF, still totally appropriate).  Ana and Christian leave the party and have sex off screen.  Way to keep Ray off your mind, there, Ana, you’re a champ! (AnaFail)

Ana and her mom talk about how fabulous Christi-poo is and her mom reminds her to tell Christian this (like she doesn’t?) because men need to hear it too. (AlicePukes)  Then Ana starts watching a Mariner’s game (apologies to all Mariners fans out there) and her dad magically wakes up!  Whatever.  End chapter.

Final Score: 100 –48 -80 = -28
The pumpkin speaks.  This chapter blows chunks.

The pumpkin speaks. This chapter blows chunks.

At this point, it's not really popping, is it?

At this point, it’s not really popping, is it?

Question 18
Fill in the blank!
In the next chapter, Ana is stalked by her ______ who forces her to ____ and then informs her she is ______.