I was on Facebook, once again trying to stay away from anything remotely important or relevant to the universe, when up comes this on Facebook News.

Kermit the Frog: Muppet Announces Split With Partner Miss Piggy Tuesday

Kermit: Someone help me she breaks into my house and watches me sleeep!
(photo stolen from Huffpo)

OMG. First it was announced that Will Smith and his wife were breaking up and peeps were crying until Will said, “No we totally aren’t breaking up cause she’s my queen – that’s what you told me to say, right, honey?” – and then everything was well in the world again.  And then we hear about Muppets breaking up.  This was a huge surprise because I didn’t even know they had an actual relationship.  I sort of thought it was just light-hearted stalking and sexual harassment on the part of Miss Piggy since Kermit never did seem that interested in crossing the species boundary like she was.  Not with so many other frogs in the sea.

Yet here it is – the end of a couple / ongoing court case.  Some are speculating that this is a publicity stunt for their upcoming TV show.  I’m not sure why they’d make a TV show since most of the Muppet movies lately have bombed (Hint: do not use that guy from How I Met Your Mother in any movie.  He sucks.)  If they want success, they should just head back to Sesame Street.  Kermit could report the news like old times.  Maybe they’d find love again.  I hear Telly Monster (the one who used to be pathologically obsessed with television but that wasn’t cool since Sesame Street figured out they were a TV show, so now is pathologically obsessed with triangles) is single. So is Cookie Monster, though he might eat furniture.  Or possibly Miss Piggy herself, since he is branching out his diet.  And then there is Big Bird, but he still hasn’t been able to leave the nest, plus he has the mind of a six-year-old and imagined his friend so hard that everyone else got to see him too (Snuffaluffagus could be a candidate on the other hand).

Piggy and Kermit? No beepin’ wayyy bird!

You might be wondering why I am reporting on this news since it was announced yesterday already and everyone is is anyone already knew about it.  It certainly has nothing to do with me dragging my feet on my Disney Hunger Games story.  It really is happening – we have the gruesome pictures for you and everything (cleaned up for families cause this is Disney).  But there was the problem of bad lighting, leaves, and laziness.  Don’t you worry three or four fans of mine, you’ll soon see who gets axed – er – who bites the big one first.  You will also have the opportunity to send aid to your favorite characters, just like in the real Hunger Games.  You know like water, or forest animals, or an all powerful genie, whatever.  You just can’t miss this stuff!  Heck, maybe Miss Piggy will make an appearance.  You know what an attention hog she is.

Well that’s all I have for now.  Be sure to read the article – and the comments – on the Huffpo article I linked to because as usual, the comments section is more amusing than the article.  Especially the people who argue with people that Kermit and Piggy are Muppets and how stupid are they that they don’t realize this news is fake, huh?  Fat lot they know.  Kermit and Piggy are totally real.  I grew up with them on my television set.  Everything on television is real.

I feel like some bacon now.

Alice