Reality Games: How TLC Could Learn from Game of Thrones
It seems like everyone and their dog and their dog’s sister / girlfriend are watching the HBO hit Game of Thrones. It’s based on a series of books by a dude named George R. R. Martin (Not sure why he has two initials in his middle name. Typo he never bothered to fix?). Best thing to know about him is that he is one sick puppy. And I say this as someone who has read all three 50 Shades books. I know little about the Game of Thrones TV series beyond what I read in some reviews and the multiple clips I watched on Youtube. Thing is, you don’t actually have to watch it. Everyone else is, and they will tell you about it and it’s awesomeness. Which makes me want to hate it, because I hate everything popular at first, because rebel.
I also have not read the Game of Thrones series, because I tend to not like adult fantasy. There are way too many words, for one thing, which means the books are 5 billion pages long and there are DOZENS of them. No one ever tells them to stop, so they just keep coming with denser and denser prose until they resemble history textbooks, only even more boring. At least the 50 Shades books were not that long, ended after three books, and the most challenging vocabulary was “Oh, Jeez.” I do think that they’d have been much better if they had adopted Martin’s tendency to kill off practically every character. I know I was sure hoping every one of those characters would die horrible, grisly deaths. So I’ll give him that one.
Another genre that could learn from old Martin is reality television. TLC only thinks they are edgy! Here are 10 ways that TLC could improve by adopting tips from Game of Thrones.
1. More blood and gore. There needs to be more killing in these ER shows. Or at least maiming. Let’s see that blood actually squirt from those crushed peens!
2. More bare boobs and butts. Considering how many TLC shows have sex in the title, there is a startling lack of nudity. I can’t believe there has not been a single wardrobe malfunction in any of these shows. Especially from this lady. They’re just dying to pop out.
3. Their sex isn’t nearly strange enough. “Sex sent me to the ER”, “Strange Addictions”, “Secret Sex Lives”, meh, they are all so blah. Where is the twincest here? Where is the dragon sex? (For the record, I’m not sure if there is dragon sex in Game of Thrones, but I wouldn’t put it past them.) TLC is missing way too many opportunities. Car sex is just so passe.
4. They should add lots of gratuitous lesbian prostitute sex.
5. Women and girls are not used as sex objects enough on TLC. I mean, Toddlers and Tiaras just ain’t cutting it with the beauty pageants. Maybe they could steal some tween Disney stars and sell them to some barbarians.
6. They need dragons. Where are all the dragons, TLC? Where are they????
7. Both shows need more little people. Considering the only remotely redeemable characters on either show are little people (The Little Couple on TLC and the dwarf on Game of Thrones), they should consider this. People like to have small breaks between their rape scenes and beheadings so they can go get a sandwich.
8. They need more scum of humanity. I know we have seen trailer trash, weirdos, and creepers, but not a single one compares to almost every character on Game of Thrones, especially that little punk King Joffrey. I know this, and I’ve not even watched the show much. Just look at the little freak.
9. There should be more convoluted family trees. Where are all the enormous dead-beat families with their horizontal family trees? I mean, besides on Honey Boo-Boo.
10. The scripts written by teenage boys are far better on Game of Thrones. Step it up, TLC. You can do it.
So what do you guys think of Game of Thrones? Are you insane for it? Or are you freaking sick of it? Or were you somehow blissfully unaware? Let me know in the comments below.
TLC: Extreme Wedding Edition
I was going to have some more recaps for ya, but TLC had different ideas. As I’ve noted before, TLC’s schedule is apparently created by someone with both OCD and ADHD. So I again did not manage to catch new episodes of either of the two oh-so-awesome shows I’m covering. This is partly because TLC is so in love with their new show “Secret Sex Lives” which is totally different from “Sex sent me to the ER” and “Strange Addictions” and “My Crazy Obsession” and “Strange Sex”. Like, they moved the words around, duh!
So I figured, my brain is so far gone by now, why not? I turned on “Secret Sex Lives”. And who do I see first but my old pal Nathaniel from “Strange Addictions”! Hey, TLC, that’s cheating! Not only that, you’re not even branching out and trying to rip off other networks. You’re ripping YOURSELF off now. I’m on to you!
In case you don’t remember Nathaniel, he’s better known as “Car Sex Guy”. It was pretty horrifying to see this guy the first time. But TLC shows him again anyway, cause it’s a “sex life” that’s “secret” because it’s “disturbed”. And they don’t even get new footage – not that I could have stood any more footage of Nat licking his steering wheel and whispering sweet nothings to the upholstery. But still, come ON, TLC. Have you really run out of morons so quickly that you have to repeat old morons on new shows? Shame, TLC, shame.
So I figured, why don’t I branch out and look at whatever idiot thing TLC happens to be covering when I’m watching TV long after my lunch has fully digested. And since we’re like 3 months from June, why not a wedding show?
Friday has a marathon of “Say Yes to the Dress”. I discussed this show briefly while feverish and doped up during my bout with Pneumonia. The show is no better when you’re well. I was actually looking about for some more drugs, even though I’m not “technically” sick right now.
I really hate this show. All the tension rests on what horribly overpriced dress some stupid girl is going to choose for her wedding. Keep in mind that a wedding lasts a few hours at most. You’re not even going to wear the dress the entire day. And you’ll never wear it again, even when you marry moron number 2, because who wants to get married in the same dress you used with the first jerk?
Yet the dress shop owners act as if this is an “investment in their future.” What? Unless the bride-to-be is planning on becoming Miss Haversham and wearing the dress all day long while collecting dust and raising young girls to hate all men, then, no, this really isn’t an investment in her future, at least not a future past the next month or so. It’s actually nauseating what these people will spend on a single outfit. 10,000 is usually considered their “bottom-line dress.” Choose that garbage bag, and you’re sure to get a “no way girlfriend” shake of the head from one of those snobby twits at the shop.
And if they don’t turn their noses up at the girls, then be sure someone in the family will. Why, I ask, would you bring that many family members to help you choose a dress? How stupid is that? They aren’t going to wear it. I could see bringing your mother if you happen to like her, or a friend, but your entire extended family? Even Grandma who thinks any dress with less than a turtleneck collar, long sleeves, and a skirt that covers the ankles is slut city?
Of course, I have a feeling many of these women are not paying for the dresses themselves, hence at least having the parents there to approve the choice. Here’s the thing, though – if you can’t afford your own dress, are you ready to be out on your own? Get a job, save some money, then get a dress for a couple hundred at most, and put the 10 grand (or more) that some misguided person gave you on a freaking HOUSE, mmkay? That’s a good girl.
If “Say Yes to the Dress” followed the natural progression of things, it would take the same couple through a number of other shows. First the happy couple who spent everything on a dress go to their new trailer house in “Welcome to Myrtle Manor”, then have “Strange Sex” followed immediately by “Sex Sent Me to the ER” which leads to “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” resulting in “Quints by surprise!” leading to “Extreme Couponing” and devolving into “Cake Boss” and “My 600 lb life”. But, alas, no, all we get is the stupid dress. Whoop-te-shit. This isn’t even the only wedding show on TLC. You’ve also got “Friday Bride Day”, “My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding” (I see what you did there TLC), “Four Weddings” (God help me), “I found the gown” (Did you use coupons?), “Say Yes to the Dress Atlanta” (these are like CSI shows), and “Say Yes to the Dress Bridesmaids.” That’s too many shows about brides.
By the end of an episode of “Say Yes to the Dress”, I’m almost ready to watch Nathaniel and his car. At least they aren’t spending a lavish amount of money on a wedding. Please say they aren’t.
So there you go. No light up boobs, not even a light up dress. Sad. But still, there’s a post! Yay.
Strange Addictions: E.T. Phone . . . Boobs?
Yeah, we’re back with another dose of strange addictions. Thank goodness they give us the warning at the beginning not to try this at home. I was so close to nomming on my fruit shaped eraser. It’s so realistic and smells good too!
This episode involves no eating of nonedible products, so yay! It does, however, involve a lady so goofed up they devoted the entire episode just to her. Or it might have been because TLC really liked seeing those ginormous boobs.
How big were they, Alice? Dolly Parton looks like a Double Minus A cup compared to this woman. Heck, the bride of Godzilla would probably have smaller mammary glands, and they’d be much more functional too. If you’ve ever played a video game, or read comics, you know how insane they can get with drawing the boobs. These chicks have boobs bigger than their heads. It’s crazy. This lady leaves them behind. Way behind. When I first saw this woman, my jaw dropped, and as you know, I’ve seen a lot of weird crap just working in a library.
Not only does she have a rack that can actually serve drinks (she demonstrates), she also has an enormous silicon-filled caboose. It’s – just – I think even Sir Mix-A-Lot would be saying “Daaaaahmmmn, guuuurl!” The thing is a bench. You could probably sit on her comfortably, except then she’d fall over on her boobs and not be able to get up. Really – she has to have help getting up if she lays on her back. I can imagine all sorts of reasons this lady might be heading to the ER. Suffocation is just one of them.
She has so much silicon in her boobs, that they weigh something like 20 pounds. And they do party tricks. If she puts a flashlight under her boobs, they light up from all the fluid. They could make a science fiction movie based on this lady, and I can pretty much guarantee you’d get the usual demographic (18-25 year old males) filling the seats.
Her college aged son tries to persuade her to maybe drain the boobs a bit, but she surprises him with her decision to make them twice as big! Poor kid. It had to be fun having this lady as class mom. Oops, got my boobs in the frosting! Anyway, he expresses concern for her welfare, and says he wonders which she cares about more – her big boobs or her kids? She skirts around it, but answer? Boobs.
Her youngest child, a girl around nine, is the best part of the entire program. They interview her, asking what she thinks about her mother’s boobs. She says, “I like that they pay the rent, but they’re really weird.” I love this kid. Apparently, mom does modeling for people who like women with impossible proportions – I’m guessing car magazines. But there’s the kid, saying it up front – maybe you make some money, but you’re a freak. If your nine-year-old can figure this out, you might want to think it over, lady.
But thinking does not seem her strong suit. Perhaps she has had some silicon injected into her brain along with her boobs, butt, oh and I forgot, her lips which look like someone smashed them in a meat processor and they swelled up into little sausages. But clearly, this is not enough for her. She needs more.
She visits the plastic surgeon, but even he just shakes his head, refusing to work on her because it will freaking kill her. All that silicon is not very healthy, nor is going through that many surgeries. Also he might be the only plastic surgeon to have actual qualms about working on someone who’s batshit crazy. Besides the dangers of silicon and surgery, I’m not sure how she’d walk without toppling over, even with the substantial butt in back. I don’t know how she does it now. She can’t even find clothes to fit her warped body. I mean, damn, even Barbie can find clothes. Lots of them.
But she’s no Barbie, even if she does have enough plastic to be one. At the end of the show, TLC reports that she has found a surgeon willing to do the operation in the next few months. Wait for a news story about a woman’s boobs spontaneously combusting into flames. I be it will be our girl!
What about you guys? Have you ever considered plastic surgery? What would you want to change?
ER Sexy Times Quiz!
So I was really disappointed this Saturday when there was no “ER Sexy Times” episode. Instead it was yet another show with sex in the title – “Secret Sex Stories”. So secret it’s totally on cable! Wow, I was really interested since it was going to have a woman with the biggest natural boobs like ev-ah, but they didn’t glow in the dark or anything special, so bo-ring. Also, this show didn’t promise to send one of the idiots involved to the hospital. I mean, duh, the best part is watching them get injured. I figured instead I would just take the quiz that TLC had on their website, because you know how much I love taking pointless quizzes.
The quiz was called “Bedroom Habits Exposed: How Does Your Sex Life Compare?” Oh, goody! You all wanted to know what was goin’ down in the Wonderhood right? I didn’t think so. There were some fascinating questions, and even better were the answers people gave.
Each question played a clip from ER Sexy Times underneath. Sometimes the clip had something to do with the question, but most of the time it was just a random bit from the show. I was sad not to see the tree sex people, since I definitely most identified with them.
The first question was: “Where’s the best place to have a quickie?”
Now some of you weirdos might be thinking “bed” or even “couch” but sorry, neither of these are listed cause who does that? The choices were:
- A. In a dark closet
- B. It’s going down in the bathroom
- C. Hit the stop button and get it done in the elevator
- D. Pull off the highway and get in the back of the car.
It was really hard to decide. I mean, who hasn’t been getting dressed for work in a dark closet, tripped, and landed on their husband’s peen? Maybe people not married to men. And the bathroom? As long as you have the shower head, who needs anyone else, right? Sex in an elevator – lovin’ it up as you’re goin’ down? Heck yeah! This way you can not only inconvenience all the people waiting for the elevator, you can get bodily fluids all over a public place, and probably get filmed by the security camera. The video will then appear on youtube, and make you wildly famous. Humping in the back seat of the car is great too, especially when a cop pulls over to arrest you for public indecency.
I left out a few of the questions because the answers were so sexist. I mean, for some reason TLC assumes only women and gay guys are taking this quiz. I guess the straight men are all busy taking quizzes on what kind of power tool they’d go out with or something. So I just left the most P.C. questions, just to show I care.
Next question: What are you most afraid of hurting during sex?
- Oh, geez, definitely my vagina
- Penis, that’s the baby maker
- All the sex could cause a heart attack
- I’m afraid of head injury
I don’t know about you men, but I’m pretty concerned about hurting my coochie. But we ladies are also concerned about your body parts because, hello, babiezz! If your penis is all smooshed, how you gonna knock us up, huh? Otherwise, like, who cares? A heart attack is totally possible, because sometimes we eat at KFC before getting’ our groove on. Moving on, head injuries? Oh, yeah, big worry there. My husband is always whacking my head into walls, car doors, trees, telephone poles, and wherever else we happen to be when the mood strikes. I always bring Tylenol for protection, just in case.
Question Three: What gets you in the mood?
- Reading a romance novel; hello Mr. Grey
- A great date, followed by drinks in the apartment
- An adult film, it’s to the point.
- Champagne and strawberries
What gets me in the mood? Well, besides “ER Sexy Times” and “balloon animals”, I’m obviously gonna have to go with A. Reading 50 Shades of Grey. That is such a major turn on I can hardly keep from puking in my sexy bathroom.
Question Four: How do you describe your lovemaking?
- Sensual and Tender
- Like Rihanna’s song “S&M”
- Yee haw, ride ‘em, cowboy!
Sensual and tender? Hahaha! How risky is that? No, better to go with whips and chains and your occasional buttplug. But if your budget is low, you can always DIY S&M with rakes and leaf blowers. I’m not sure if my lovemaking is unemotional. I think it’s very emotional, especially if the Olympics is playing on the TV at the same time. And as for the last one? Oh, yes, of course, nothing like sex on a mechanical bull to keep your juices going and your marriage hot, hot, hot!
Question Five: What’s your favorite part about sex?
- The connection with another human being
- It’s a great workout
- The foreplay
- Ummm, hello . . . orgasm!
Pfft, I love how one of the answers is “connection with another human being.” Good grief, thanks to “Strange Addictions” I now know that human beings are actually optional. In case you’re not sure about your partner, here is a handy cheat sheet you can use when selecting dates. The following are NOT human:
Donald Trump’s hair piece
Alright then, with that out of the way, is sex a great workout? It depends on how long you can keep going at it. You know how some people say they have sex for hours and hours? If it takes that long to have sex, someone’s doing something wrong. Foreplay can only go on for so long, unless you happen to be in a porno. So foreplay’s out too. That leaves us with “orgasm” as the best part of sex. Like, duh, of course it is. Unless you’re like this lady here, then it gets kind of old.
Okay then the answers. The largest majority of people (32%) thought quickies in the bathroom were the best. And here I thought you like, went pee in there and stuff. I never realized how much romance could be found! Lesson learned. 47% were afraid of hurting the old va-jay-jay (I have to wonder how many of these people were men or balloon animals), and 24% were afraid of hurting the babiezz maker. Only 15% were afraid of head injuries, so SOME people have really boring sex lives, clearly.
46% said a great date and booze got them in the mood. Only 15% thought 50 Shades of Grey got them in the mood. You might note that this is the same percentage of people who were afraid of head injuries during sex. Coincidence? I think not. 33% described their lovemaking as “Ride ‘em, cowboy!” That’s nice to know. Finally, favorite part of sex? It was pretty evenly divided between “connection with another human” and “orgasm.” No word on whether the “orgasm” ones read my cheat sheet or not.
So there you have it. I have to say, this quiz was at least as informative as Cosmo, and had the added bonus of video clips which you usually don’t have in Cosmo. Otherwise Cosmo would be much more popular with both sexes. If you’d like to take the quiz, go to this link here.
So question of the day – what gets you guys in the mood?
ER Sexy Times: Inspiration!
Saturday night I was trolling TLC and came across an episode of Untold Stories of the ER: Sex Edition. Ah, okay, so this is what prompted them to make an entire series out of just the sex related injuries they got in the ER. What an inspiration these guys were. There are some real “doozies” here.
First, we have a guy with his peen stuck in a camping stove. I think it’s a Coleman. The stove. Anyway, this guy walks into the ER with it still attached in front of him, covered just by a blanket. That gets you some attention, even in a crowded ER. They take the guy back and see that, yup, there’s a camping stove on there and slinky is stuck tight. Luckily for the guy, he’s still kind of stoned (are you surprised?) and isn’t feeling the entire, uh, weight of the situation.
The nurse is male. I’ve seen him on other episodes of the show, and he seems like a cool guy. He’s not afraid to admit that since a very sensitive part of the male anatomy has been half shredded and stuck in a metal object, he’s having a bit of a hard time dealing with it.
The doc asks him how his peen came to be stuck inside the stove. The man explains that he and his girlfriend were stoned and in the midst of their funsies, she suggested that he stick his peen inside a hole in the stove. So of course the moron does it. Hard to say whether he still would have done it even if he wasn’t stoned. Once inside, it gets stuck, and the more the guy tries to yank it out, the more it swells. Basically peen is like Pooh Bear when he eats too much honey and gets stuck in that hole. Oh, bother.
The doctor suggests that they call someone in to cut the stove off of the guy’s peen. The nurse looks at him like “WTF?” but summons a maintenance man as he’s told. The poor old maintenance guy arrives, takes one look at the stove and says “No way.” Then he passes out flat on the floor and they have two emergencies. Yay!
Next, they call the Fire Department. A young, virile fireman walks in, looks at the stove, and runs back out. He sticks his head between his legs and tries not to vomit. This is a guy who fights fires for a living here. Not looking good.
Finally, they decide to call a freaking urologist, who says they should take some giant needles and drain the peen so that they can then slide it out of the stove. This seems the most promising idea so far, though the guy, even stoned, realizes that giant needles to the peen is really gonna sting like the dickens.
They can’t give him much pain relief since he’s already on so many chemicals, so the guy screams bloody murder while the poor nurse tries not to freak the heck out like the other two guys. But once the blood is drained, they get the stove off of him, finally. The nurse bandages him and leaves for a moment. When he returns, the dude is gone, but he helpfully left them the stove. He jokes that they could have a cook-out, you know, if they were insane, then dumps the stove in a container labeled medical waste. I bet they don’t get that kind of waste very often.
In case you were thinking that was the most uncomfy situation of the night – wrong! There is also a young guy who had a stroke. He’s with his girlfriend. The doctor wonders why this would happen to someone so young. Then in comes the wife. Whoops. They are sent outside since they are making the guy’s blood pressure rise again. But that’s not the end of it because later she comes back and there is a third woman in there with him. The dude with the stroke can’t talk, but just shrugs. I think the doctor now wants to kill him. It’d have to be a totally justifiable homicide there.
The women all find each other out in the ER and are sent outside where one tries to run over another with her car. The doctor remarks that it’s like an episode of “Jerry Springer”. Pretty much. I’m not sure why three women would fight over this one guy when there are plenty of douchebags to go around.
So they treat him for the stroke, and the doctor comes back later to check on him in the hospital. He’s amazingly doing better, and she suggests that maybe he might want to not date so many women, seeing as how this nearly killed the guy. Our Romeo whines that he loves them all, so can’t stop. Then he tries to hit on the doctor, who is shockingly not impressed by him.
Okay, I saved the best one for last. No, really! Guy number 3 comes in with a vibrator shoved way up his bum. I don’t know if he said how this came to be, since I missed a few minutes of the show in there. No doubt he accidentally sat on it. Anyway, not only is there a vibrator up his butt, it’s still running! Talk about your literal insult to injury. Vrroooom! The guy remarks that they are long-lasting batteries.
Cue sad trombone. Wah, wah, wahhhhhh.
So they do a scan of the guy and sure enough, there it is. He’s managed to, like, get it up near the hip area. I’m not even sure what organs are around up there. Impressive. The doctor says that, no, salad tongs are not going to get this thing out, and they’re going to have to call a gastroenterologist to get the thing out surgically.
While looking for this picture, I discovered a page filled with x-rays of items ER docs have found lodged up the bums of patients. It includes, among other things: keys (that’s where they were!), live ammunition, a ringing cell phone, a peanut butter jar (da fuq?), and a Buzz Lightyear figure. You doctors have all the fun!
The guy is understandably freaked out about this, but seems even more concerned when the insurance guy comes in to take down his information. He insists that there not be a record of this. That’s something to think about, dude, next time you decide to shove something up your backside. Ah, well. The guy offers to pay for the procedure in cash. He shows the doctor stacks of thousand dollar bills. I bet that’s what Donald Trump did when he had this problem.
Like I said, I missed a bit of this one, so I’m not sure if they addressed just how the guy came to not only have a vibrator in his bo-bo but also be in possession of massive amounts of cash. I can imagine some interesting possibilities there. Did he rob a bank with a vibrator, only to have a concerned citizen put it where the sun don’t shine? No telling, but I like that scenario myself.
While the doctor has, sadly, seen this sort of thing dozens of times before, he hasn’t had a patient offer to pay entirely in cash up front. They have to ask about the cost, and when it comes to over 10,000 dollars, the guy just counts it out right in front of them. Yeah, that’s not suspicious at all. The hospital takes it though, cause you know, at least they’re sure they’re going to get paid for correcting this idiocy.
So the guy gets the surgery done without his insurance knowing about it, but the hospital still has to have a pathology report. They discover that the object removed from the patient was a small pink vibrator, and they all laugh. Now, seriously peeps, doctors are professionals and they’re going to help you out of whatever jam you get yourself or your insides into, but if you think they’re not going to joke about this among themselves, you’ve got to be kidding me. You will be the talk of the staff for at least a day or two, when the next guy arrives with a live hamster up there.
So there we go, camping stove on the peen guy, Don Juan stroke victim, and vibrator up the bum dude. Just another night at work. I’m glad I work in a library, where the most I’ve encountered was a guy who liked to get off to animal porn on the internet. Whew.
Any of you guys heard any wild ER stories? About your, um, friends of course. Don’t worry, secret is safe with me – and all my readers. And the spambots. And possibly a few cats. But don’t be afraid to share!
Strange Addictions: Bieberfied?
This week on “Strange Addictions”, we get a lady eating beauty products, and a guy using plastic surgery to look like Justin Bieber. I’m not sure which one is worse. You can’t make this crap up.
First up, we have Brittoni, a lady who is a little confused about how makeup works. Instead of putting it, say, on her face, she eats it. She prefers eye shadow, but you know, it has to taste right. Naturally. So she goes to the store and shakes a little out and licks it to see if it is her flavor. No reason to waste money on makeup that doesn’t taste good, am I right? I’m never going to look at eye shadow quite the same way again.
She decides to “come out” to her family, but here’s the kicker. Mom and sister and she have this family tradition of making donuts and sprinkling baby powder on them. When I first heard this, I thought I’d heard incorrectly. Like, oh, that was powdered sugar, right? Nopes. We’re talking that stuff you’re supposed to be putting on a baby’s bum.
So the girl tells her family that she eats makeup, and they are totally understanding, cause they are eating baby powder donuts. Just kidding. They both act horribly shocked!. Sister says “That is weird” as she takes another bite of a donut sprinkled with a Johnson & Johnson product. Just – what? They’re talking to her about how unhealthy this habit is, and how can she do this, – but – the donuts. And the baby powder. Lady, you’re holding the baby powder in your hand while talking to your daughter and I just . . . nevermind.
She goes to the doctor at their suggestion (they are totes fine with their chemical laced donuts) and the doctor, not surprisingly, tells her eating makeup is not a good idea. What gets me, though, is there’s no – hey, let’s figure out WHY you are eating makeup. Either the girl has a nutritional deficiency major time, or she’s nuts, or maybe both, but – don’t just send her off with a warning. I mean – I just – nevermind.
The girl does go on to quit her eye shadow addiction. I’m guessing the baby powder donuts continue, though, cause totes normal.
Next, we have Toby, a guy in his thirties who has been spending years and huge amounts of money to make himself look like . . . Justin Bieber. Now, I think it’s kind of stupid to try to make yourself look like any pop star or actor but, really, Justin Bieber? Couldn’t he at least have gone for someone with a little more testosterone? Heck, Michael Bolton would be a better choice, dude, and his voice is higher than mine.
But this guy is convinced that Justin is the picture of gorgeous and youthful, and he wants to be just like him. I just don’t get it. To me, Justin Bieber looks like a twelve-year-old who cuts his hair with a bowl. Yet this guy is willing to go under the knife multiple times to completely reshape his face to resemble Justin’s. Be afraid, Justin. You just think being arrested is tough. Wait till this guy finds you.
He’s had operations I’ve never even heard of – forehead lifts, eyebrow lifts, hairline moved forward, nose jobs, chin reduction and implants, and holy cow who the hell does this? TLC shows the before and afters and – frankly, our Toby looked better BEFORE he started all this stuff. Which is not all that difficult.
He goes out to find more “Justin” like clothes, and tries to get people to guess who he looks like. They don’t have a clue. Undaunted, he says “Justin Bieber!” and they just blink. Good grief. He’s spent this much money, and he still doesn’t really resemble a guy he shouldn’t be trying to look like in the first place. That is really, really sad.
He next goes to a plastic surgeon who is slightly concerned about all these surgeries he’s had, especially since TLC is there filming him. When he suggests the dude invest his money in psychiatry (boy I hope he has savings), Toby just walks off. He’ll just go to another plastic surgeon! He doesn’t need help! Nopes! Totally fine.
I wonder if the people on this show ever meet each other and then get together. Maybelline girl and Bieber boy. Wouldn’t that be a match made in Hell?
ER Sexy Times!
I think TLC knows I decided to cover “Sex Sent Me to the ER” (from here on out known as “ER Sexy Times”) and “Strange Addictions” through that psychic lady of theirs. Because on Wednesday, they decided to show the shows back to back. And I watched them, back to back, because I’m covering them for this here blog and because I did not want to get up. I’ll start with ER Sexy Times and get you Strange Addictions next time. It’s a doozy.
Here we go. First moron couple is doing the horizontal mambo when the guy starts itching on his face, and then his “down there”. He gets a nasty rash that he decides needs to be seen in the ER, though the girlfriend’s like, hey, no biggie. Cause, like, it wasn’t on her va-jay-jay, right? So the doctor is super helpful, saying oh it could be VD, or maybe not, I don’t know. I don’t even know why I’m here wearing this coat, actually. So the guy accuses the girlfriend of cheating on him, and they don’t speak for a week, and then it turns out it’s not VD just a reaction to something, and he forgets about it.
Until she brings it up later. Just, really, why would you do this? She admits that she used lotion all over her body and by all over, I mean, really all over and under and everything. I’m not sure I know of any lotion that’s okay for your nether regions. At any rate, it certainly wasn’t okay for his. He is understandably upset by her just now telling him this, but it’s okay, because she’s still offering sex.
Next a professional fighter and his girlfriend are off in Malaysia where he has a match. Girlfriend decides to literally jump him, but she gets off just a tad, and comes down realllly hard, and BAM, time out guys. Slinky is bent and bleeding all over the place. The couple are calm and collected, though. Just kidding. They act like the Sims characters when you set them on fire. They run to the bathroom, where he grabs a towel and then faints from the blood loss and fractures his jaw on the floor. And then he wakes up and says “Get me to the hospital.” Just kidding. He tells her to get ice. For his broken, blood-spurting penis. Finally, one of them gets the idea to call for an ambulance. Oh, do you think?
They take him in where the doctor explains that you can break your peen because something about lots of blood built up and spongy tissue and all I remember was OUCHIE and he says it only happens to like 1,000 out of millions of guys but somehow TLC has found two of them in the first two episodes I’ve seen. Impressive, TLC. Malaysia is obviously not big on HIPPA and so everyone in the hospital, down to the janitor, learns of his broken pee pee and come to investigate. Poor dude. But when he gets out, it’s all okay, and he and girlfriend go at it again. I dunno. I think I’d be a bit wary of that chick, myself. But, you know, she offered sex.
Finally, our last moron couple decides it’d be fun to role play as vampire and victim. But first they take some ecstasy, because I’m guessing you have to be really stoned in order to play something this idiotic. She is blindfolded and chained to the bed in her lingerie. He is flapping around the room with fake fangs and a cape, making the actual Edward from Twilight look dignified in all his sparkly glory. Nothing could possibly go wrong here. Unless, you know, he trips over a coffee table and fractures his skull.
So he’s on the ground unconscious, and she’s yelling for her Edward, but too stoned to really know wtf is going on. Fortunately, or unfortunately considering these two might go on to breed, a neighbor hears her and phones 911 and he is taken to the hospital. She shows up later, ranting about her immortal lover while the doctors try to figure out what the hell happened. The doctor quips, “I always think I can never be surprised and then I am.” I’m sure you are, doc. And how lucky that TLC is here to reenact it for you! You see, the lovers are either awful actors or playing themselves (same thing), but the doctors are usually real. I’m guessing they figured they’d make a lot more money doing this show than, you know, saving lives, which says something about our society.
So does the vampire couple. Surgeons elsewhere operate on the guy and fix his skull, and while this is going on, the doctors try to get the girlfriend’s chains unlocked because naturally there is only one key and these are real, freaking chains. The doctor mentions that maybe they should have had a backup plan. Like, say, not being stoned, and not being tied up, and not dressing stupidly, and not tripping over coffee tables and managing to fracture your skull. That kind of thing. Good luck, doc.
So what do you guys think? Any of you guys broken a peen? Can you think of any other words I can use in place of the names of actual body parts?
Strange Addictions: Night of the Living Dolls
Good news, or bad, depending on how you look at it. I happened to catch “Strange Addictions” when it randomly showed up Tuesday night. This episode? People who want to be dolls. Now, you know a show is really bad when this sounds incredibly normal. I haven’t watched all of these – some are just clips or commercials – but so far they’ve covered people who eat:
And then there’s the people who have relationships with inanimate objects such as:
baby dolls they treat like real babies
Speaking of babies, there’s also the people who like to actually BE babies, complete with sleeping in a crib and, yes, wearing diapers. I don’t even . . . anyway, so when I heard living dolls, I was like, aw, that’s not so bad. I mean as long as they can distinguish fantasy from reality and . . . oh . . . nevermind.
First up is Ken, a fitting name since the guy wants to actually be a Ken doll. I can’t imagine why any guy would want this. I can’t even imagine why Barbie would want him. He’s boring, he’s generic, he has no reproductive parts, and he’s made of plastic. But, turns out, that’s what Ken really likes about him! Yay!
Ken has had 25 plastic surgeries, and he looks like he’s still in his twenties. Nose jobs, eyebrow lifts (he has a perpetual look of surprise), pectoral implants (I didn’t realize these existed except on Batman Halloween costumes) and so on. TLC films him visiting another plastic surgeon who, after hearing he’s had 25 surgeries and wants more, looks at him kind of like this.
But it gets weirder, guys! See he not only wants these implants, he designs the suckers. He’s an artist! So he designs the silicone he wants stuck under his skin in a surgical operation. Personally, I think the guy’s had too much anesthesia. So does the surgeon. He says “You want this ideal . . . but it’s of a cartoon.” Ken just says, nanner, I’ll find someone else, and goes back to his dream house. Or something.
Next up is Emily. She wants to be a doll too, but not a Barbie, that was another show. (Like duh!) She wants to be some kind of rag doll type thing only with a wig and tall stockings and . . . the best I can come up with is Pedo dressing. Cause you look like a little girl, but you’re not, so it’s okay, only it’s still kind of gross. Or something. It’s a big thing in Japan, and apparently there is anime that uses this theme and . . . to be honest I don’t know that much about Japanese culture. Except that these guys are probably the only country that can rival us in terms of outright weird.
You know, if she just say wore this stuff at home in her spare time, whatevs. People do all sorts of unusual stuff in their spare time, like reenacting the Civil War, or Medieval Times, or taking selfies for Facebook. But this girl is tired of being in the closet, and wants everyone to accept her for who she is. Noble intentions there, Emily, but somehow going job hunting dressed like that is really not the way to go. The sad part of it is that she wants to be a doll because she doesn’t like herself as she is normally. Ken liked himself a bit too much, but her not enough.
And then we have Venus. No, that’s really her name. She is sixteen, so dressing up like a doll is not quite as bizarre, cause she’s at least a little closer to actual childhood. Shut up, this reasoning makes me feel better. Anyway, what is odd is that her mother is very supportive of this, to the point that she spends a lot of money filming the kid for Youtube, where she is a famous star. Granted, Muffy the kitten who plays with string is also a famous Youtube star, but I digress. This girl has fans. Who ask her to sign autographs, and talk about how she inspires them. By – being a doll? I’m not getting it. On the plus side, she did get to go to Japan and be a model for their dolly clothing line, so at least she’s getting paid for being weird.
So that was this week’s episode. Dolls. Bonus if you caught that they were playing the theme to the Sims in the background. Next week? People who eat make-up. I wonder if they prefer Cover Girl or Maybelline.
So what do you guys think? Is dressing up like a doll weird or no? Let me know in the comments section. Do you do weird stuff when no one is looking? Nevermind, I don’t want to know.
So I checked the TLC poll again, and not counting that crazy book idea (I did make it through part of Ladies Home Journal), “Strange Addictions” won followed by “Sex Sent Me to the ER”. TLC has the most screwed up schedule ever, which fits with the programming but makes it hard to keep up with. Instead of, say, having an episode at the same time each week, they have multiple episodes of the same show. So basically the line up can look like this:
7:00: Cake Boss
8:00: Cake Boss
9:00: Cake Boss
10:00: More Cake Boss
11:00: Even more freaking Cake Boss
11:30: How do this many cakes exist?
What this means is it’s hard to catch when the shows are on. But I did manage to catch “Sex Sent Me to the ER”, so I figured, why not cover that and “Strange Addictions”? I did not consult my brain in this matter.
“Sex Sent Me to the ER” (on first writing I wrote “Sex in the ER”, which is a totally different show. It’s called “Grey’s Anatomy”) airs late Saturday night. I ended up missing bits here and there – it might have been my synapses snapping. But it’s pretty easy to get the gist of things. Sex. Injury. E.R. Maybe they should make teenagers watch this show to prevent pregnancies.
The first idiot is a musician with sideburns from the 60s. I hate him already. He brags about how wild his sex life with his girlfriend is, and to show this, TLC has the bottom of a bed bouncing up and down and making pictures fall from the ceiling. Ah, so this is like 50 Shades sex. I get it. If only Ana and Christian had ended up in the E.R. But I digress.
So they are making the whoopie and he has a huge orgasm and as a bonus, a stroke! The fun thing is, he’s too stupid to realize this. He can hardly move his left side, but figures, hey, pinched nerve. Yeah, um, that’s one hell of a nerve you have there, man. He puts off going to the hospital until he’s unable to play his guitar (the horror). Finally he and girlfriend arrive at the ER and the receptionist asks how he injured himself.
Cue sad trombone: wah wah waaaaaaaaah.
He says “Having sex. It happened during an orgasm. It was a doozy!” The woman looks at him the same way I would, like she’d like to injure his other side. He gets examined, and the doctor says he had a stroke even though he’s only 40. The fact that he has smoked since he was NINE combined with bouncy sex resulted in a blood clot getting dislodged. Remember that, kids. Sex = stroke.
Next up, “the 400 pound virgin” (they actually title the different segments this way – haha witty TLC!) finally gets a girl. A rather tiny girl, so I’m imagining all sorts of possibilities here. Does she get trapped in the rolls of skin? Is she literally smashed into the bedsheets? Does she suffocate? Turns out, none of the above. He merely pushes her head through the wall.
At first he’s afraid he’s killed her. They show the real couple laughing about it. Haha, remember that time you nearly accidentally murdered me? Oh, fun times. But she’s alive, just a little out of it, since she asks him why he stopped. Um. There’s sheet rock in your hair, lady.
They go to the ER. She has a concussion, but prospects are good since she doesn’t seem like a mental giant anyway. The guy went on to lose a lot of weight since that encounter. Maybe he was motivated by the girl saying no more nookie until you stop using me as a jackhammer.
Finally, we have the guy with the fractured penis. Neat fact: There are no bones in a penis, but you can still fracture it! And it apparently hurts like hell! Go figure. He’s there with his girlfriend while the doctor examines him and then dun dun dun – who comes in the room but his wife?
Cute sad trombone: wah wah waaaaaah
But it’s okay, because they all know each other and everything. Apparently the whole thing happened because the guy and the girlfriend were getting it on in the laundry room when the wife decided to join in. Then things went awry. An ironing board landed smack on his peen and made a major ouchie, resulting in the trip to the ER.
Surgeon General’s Warning: Three-ways in laundry rooms may result in fractured penises.
Anyway, while the girlfriend and the wife know each other, they don’t always like each other, judging by how quickly they get in a drop down, drag out fight right there in the ER. A wig is yanked off. This is like an episode of Jerry Springer, only with less class. They break up the fight, and the husband tells them to make up. They do – by making out. This is uncomfortable enough for everyone, even the husband who gets excited which is a bad thing with a broken manhood. But it gets worse: Wife bites girlfriend’s tongue, resulting in another injury. Oops.
The doctor is working with a medical student who at this point is probably reconsidering her career. The wife suggests they just put the penis in a splint and be done with it, but apparently it’s a wee bit more complicated than that. It involves surgery, which still would have to be better than walking around with a stick attached to your, well, anyway.
The show finally ends, or I guess it did, since I missed the last few minutes because snore. But there is your recap, and I do hope, like the medical student, you have learned some valuable lessons. Don’t have sex. Like, ever.
Alice Watches TLC
Reality T.V. Just the name conquers up images of high-quality programming, doesn’t it? Haha. Of course it doesn’t. Reality TV is sort of like the Sarah Palins and Anthony Weiners of the political world. I mean, most of TV is pretty stupid and corrupt, but there are some shows much worse than others. And if you want to see the very worst of the very worst, look no further than TLC.
Since I consider myself highly sophisticated, you can often find the last channel I watched was TLC. That stands for “The Learning Channel” but really all you learn about is just how low humanity can go. If there is ever a 50 Shades reality show (yes, I know, I shouldn’t be giving this woman ideas), it will be on this station. I haven’t found it yet, but I’ve gotten pretty close.
Most people have heard of MTV’s “16 and Pregnant” and “Teen Mom” but TLC has “My Teen is Pregnant and So Am I”. Take that, MTV. Why have just one irresponsible person when you can have two! Or how about an entire family? Try “Here Comes Honey-Boo-Boo.” We saw her first on “Toddlers and Tiaras”, also a TLC show that featured psychotic mothers dressing their children up like tiny prostitutes so that their children could earn trophies and their love. One of the stars was Honey-Boo-Boo, a child from a redneck family with caked on makeup, hair extensions, and a diet consisting of go-go juice, a combination of Red Bull and Mountain Dew. Sure we knew about her, but what about her charming family? Well, say no more! There’s a whole show about them! Isn’t that great?
But, hey, don’t worry, they’ve got wholesome too. How about “19 Kids and Counting”, the show about the fundamentalist Christian family, the Duggers! They now have 19 children, and all of them shot right out of the mom’s uterus, as she proudly states in the opening credits! Because birth control kills babies! Or something! How does she do it, you wonder? Well, it helps to have older children who are forced to raise the younger ones while you and your husband are off busily workin’ on number 20, just like the Bible said to do.
How does all this stuff happen? I mean, we know how babies come into the world, thanks to “A Baby Story” which is kind enough to film women straining and screaming and pushing out babies to our heart’s delight. But how do the babies get made? Don’t worry, they also show that. They have a new show called “Sex Sent Me to the ER”. No, seriously, it’s a show. The first episode featured a couple who decided it’d be a good idea to have sex in a tree.
They kind of spoil the ending, what with the title having the word “E.R.” in it. The guy falls out of the tree and apparently breaks his manhood. What’s really great about this is not only was this couple stupid enough to do this once, they were then willing to reenact it for television. So it’s pretty clear that not all of us fully evolved from monkeys. There is a reason we no longer do this act in trees, you morons. Check out the video here at this site.
I was going to finish the post on that note, cause stupid tree sex seems like a good way to go out and all, but then I saw this post on Facebook about a woman eating a diaper. It has to have pee in it. No, I’m not kidding. This was from a show called “My Secret Addiction.” Guess what channel has this highly scientific show? Three letters, guys, and they ain’t CNN. Under the Facebook post, someone wrote “This is why aliens won’t contact us.” Oh, so true.
So why do I watch this channel? Why did I read 50 Shades? I apparently have some sort of masochistic tendencies. And a slew of other issues. I’m not sure all of what’s wrong, but maybe I’ll find out if I watch enough TLC. As long as I’m doing this anyway, is there a show you’d like me to recap? I’ll try out this voter thingy, and see what ya think.