I was feeling a little down and maybe a teensy bit scared what with the country supposedly electing a giant orange cheeto racist sexist xenophobic highly dangerous manbaby to office. Then, bit by bit, I started letting myself watch political comedy. It’s where I get most of my news because at least they deliver it with less of a blow.
Well as much as possible as one can do that.
Anyway, I realized that I didn’t have to just hide in my blanket fort. That’s not because things are all better now. It’s not because everything is going to be okay. It’s because you have to survive somehow, and I’ve survived quite a few unfunny things including chronic illness, depression, and anxiety with humor. My post about my pneumonia got some of the best responses ever. I was hilarious in my suffering. Okay, not so much at the time. But when you look at life, there is madness, there is cruelty, but there is also that hope and love crap, and there is always a certain degree of the absolute ridiculous. We live in Wonderland, now more than ever.
You might be asking “But, Alice, how can you call the crappery he is dishing out humorous? He wants to register Muslims! He wants to reverse all progress on civil rights! He influences people to write “Trump” on Starbucks cups!” Some people have talked about how to handle this. Donate to a planned parenting clinic, or a support center for gay rights, or whatever other thing he’s planning on destroying in the next few years. And that’s a good thing, but for me, I want something that gives people like our president-elect more of a kick in the . . . pants.
More on that in a bit. I watched a clip of the Late Show, where Stephen Colbert, like so many of the rest of us, possibly even like Trump himself, is trying to make sense of what just happened. No one knows, but the good thing is that while some of the stuff Trump wants to do, or at least is not opposed to doing, is truly horrible, there is quite a bit that is truly stupid, and as you know, I like to laugh at stupid people.
Here’s just a few:
Twitter: The dufus is still tweeting. And his tweets are just as intellectual as ever. Like in response to the protests in the street, there was “Unfair.” When a reporter asked one of his representatives why he was still tweeting, the man replied “Because it relaxes him.” Right. Ever thought of giving him a puzzle? Maybe cookies and juice? A nice long nap? No? Okay let him tweet.
Alone time: Trump tried to sneak out for a private dinner, avoiding the reporters. This would have been easier without the line of secret service cars running along with him. You know how you wanted to be in the spotlight? Now you are! Every single second! Enjoy!
Starbucks: Trump supporters, unhappy that the CEO of Starbucks endorsed Hillary Clinton, have decided to tell Starbucks employees to write “Trump” on their cups by way of protest. Yes, you heard right. They are boycotting a coffee house by buying more overpriced coffee. Nevermind the complete logic gap, what I find most amusing is that there are still Trump supporters. I have something to say to these very confused people.
Psst: You won. You can stop now.
What they don’t seem to realize is that, like when Obama was elected, people must eventually accept the peaceful transfer of power. But they don’t have to enjoy it, and they don’t have to be nice about it either. Yes, throwing bottles and lighting things on fire are not good, but for the most part, the protests have been peaceful. And there is more than one way to protest. As Trevor Noah of The Daily Show said, while we cannot block this idiot, we can troll him.
And troll we will. After one comedy show, I saw this comment, and I think it is awesome.
“The jokes are better now than they were for the last three months. Trump’s Presidency is going to be one hilarious moment after another until will all die.”
Think of it like a water slide. There are going to be lots of twists and turns and you’re gonna hit some obstacles like say giant razor blades, but you don’t know when they are coming because you can’t see too far ahead, and you don’t want to, so you might as well enjoy the ride while you can. And as far as the fear that Trump raises in people, fear I do not laugh at, I have this to say.
Trump wants all Muslims to register? Here’s the plan. It’s so simple, that I wish I had thought of it. We all register Muslim. Every one of us. Of course we aren’t all really Muslim, but let him figure out which ones are which, and see how well that goes. Even Megyn Kelly was freaked out about the idea of basing a registry of a group of people off the freaking Japanese Internment camps. Same lady who argued that Santa and Jesus were white!. If she’s freaked out, then a lot of other people are going to be as well.
That up there – registering as Muslim to protect other Muslims, is not a hashtag. It’s an action. And there are more actions you can take. Remember how I mentioned you could donate to threatened organizations like Planned Parenthood or the Human Rights Campaign? You totally should donate – even if it’s a dollar – and then, just like the Starbucks people, you should donate in someone else’s name.
Like Trump. Or Pence. Or anybody else you want. They’ll get a thank you card in the mail. And won’t they be pleased! You can even do this for your alt-right friends and family at Christmas, though I recommend not actually being there when the gift arrives. Remember many of these people have guns.
So we aren’t helpless here. We are in an awful situation, but we are not helpless. And to those who are most at risk, they do not have to be alone. Because we are America. And we can stand together to protect those who need it. But don’t forget to get your jollies in at the same time.
Trump and Pence and their cronies are going to make a lot of people they hate very happy this year.
Welcome back to the year of . . . Fun, Fun, Fun. And Hell. Let’s see if we can get through this timeline of politics and a few other things. I might have missed a war or two. I’m stopping before November because I’m not sure if we will actually survive it, and why waste a post? Here we go!
North Caroline debates about the big issues – like who goes to what potty.
Ben Carson wakes up slightly and realizes he’s still in the Republican presidential race. He drops out – onto the floor probably.
We also lose Marco Rubio, so I will sadly no longer get to use the “Marco Polo” joke anymore.
“Let me put it plainly, if we Republicans choose Donald Trump as our nominee, the prospects for a safe and prosperous future are greatly diminished” – Quote by Mitt “Mittens” Romney. Mitt Romney is making sense now. Be afraid.
Sanders and Hillary go head to head in debate. People hit the deck in case of blood spurts.
Trump continues to act like an rabid chimp throwing poo. Naturally he starts winning major states.
Cruz names Carly “standing witchface” Fiorina as his VP. She takes a dive off the stage. Great times.
Six days after picking a VP, Cruz drops out of the race. A day later, Kasich (you know, that guy) drops out too.
This leaves only Trump in the race. Other countries are looking at us like “I am so not hanging out with you anymore, U.S.”
Breaking Report: Cute kittens continue to be born, filmed on youtube.
U.N. has Brexit, which is not the meal between breakfast and lunch, but a withdrawal from the European Union. It doesn’t go so well.
Paul “The Weasel” Ryan says he’ll vote for Trump.
Five days later Paul “The Weasel” Ryan calls Trump a racist. Like you just now noticed, Weasel Boy?
Hillary has enough votes to win the primary making her the first woman presidential candidate. Sanders does not see her winning as a reason to leave. Not when he can still annoy her.
Want to see pics of my teens when they were cute babies?
Japan manufactures the last videocassette recorder. Now what do we do with these VHS tapes? Thanks!
The F.B.I. gets really tired of reading through Hillary’s emails, most of which probably involved online receipts for anti-aging cream, photos of her grandchild, and complaints of “how do you work this thing again?”. Lucky for us, the Republicans will continue to talk about her treason for years to come. Please, Hillary, get Chelsea to teach you texting!
Sanders gives in and endorses Hillary. His lunatic fringe supporters go nuts cause how dare he act respectful? Isn’t that “out” this election?
Cruz is booed for not endorsing Trump, ironically the only intelligent decision he’s ever made.
Wikileaks (Doncha just love these guys? Doncha?) leaks what everyone pretty much already knew. The Democratic Chair was a lying liar who lied and manipulated stuff. I’m sure this has never before happened with the chairs of either party.
Sloths seal their place as my spirit animal.
2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. A U.S. Olympian gets drunk, vandalizes stuff, then claims he was robbed, thus keeping up good international relations.
Trump takes on a new campaign manager, which surprises everyone cause who knew he had one?
Clinton aide separates from her husband, the infamous Anthony Weiner. At least Hillary’s cheating husband was not named Weiner.
We still have the Wiener dog races. Check ’em out.
The U.S. and China, responsible for 40 percent of the world’s carbon emissions, ratify global climate agreement. And say “Our bad.”
Hillary called out for calling Trump supporters “deplorables.” They get on her when she lies AND tells the truth!
Hillary and Trump react to the New York City bombing. Trump says “Hillary did it.”
First smack down debate between Hillary and Trump. Trump acts grouchy, sniffs, and says “wrong” a lot. Hillary is giddy with excitement. She’s been preparing for this for DECADES.
Did I mention kittens?
VP candidates have debate. Supposedly Pence did well because he did not try to punch Kaine in his smiling face. Trump’s reaction? Extreme jealousy of his running mate. Right.
Tapes are released of Trump bragging about assaulting women. For some reason, people are actually surprised, and Republicans begin leaving his side in droves to protect themselves.
Wikileaks dumps info on Hillary Clinton’s speeches to Goldman Sachs. Apparently, she was paid, and she said stuff that she’s said before anyway.
Trump and Hillary have their second debate, town hall style. Trump takes this to mean he should impersonate various animals including weasel, bear, shark, and toddler. Neither candidate really answers a question, thus keeping to the status quo.
Third and Final (or people will start rushing the stage) debate. Donald starts out almost normal, then goes boom. He decides he doesn’t have to concede the election because who needs democracy?
Trump adds to his statement saying he won’t accept the results “Unless he wins.” Pence backs this up, saying they don’t have to if they don’t wanna.
I decide to pick my own reality too and build a blanket fort in my living room. I invite anyone else in who needs to escape the planet a while. I am playing Disney films and eating Oreos.
Just 17 days to go till D day! But, really, what could happen in a a 2 and a half weeks?
Don’t answer that.
“Rock n Roller Cola Wars,
I can’t take it anymore!”
– Billy Joel
“We Didn’t Start the Fire”. It’s a song by Billy Joel that goes through a history book picking out all the awesome (Television!) and not so awesome (Vietnam!) things that had gone on in his life up until around the 1980s. I believe he ended with “Rock n roller cola wars, I can’t take it anymore.” Well, Billy, you really didn’t guess what was coming up next.
I did a “We Didn’t Start the Fire” type post a few years ago. But I still stopped up way too early. So I figured, why not take the last year or so and see what happens? Hint: Very bad things. And a few, I guess, are good. Please note: I faithfully did a Google search from July 2015 to October of 2016 and it seems most timelines tend to stop before 2015. There is a reason for this. No matter, trust in Alice and Wikipedia and such. I have split this post because it got so long. Like the past year. So, so, so long.
Oregon makes marijuana legal. Just in time.
Scott Walker, jerk Wisconsin governor with a personal vendetta against those fat cat teachers, announces his run for President. wee.
The U.S. and Iran talk nukes. Or something. Whatever.
President Obama questions the use of solitary confinement in U.S. prisons. For prisoners anyway. Politicians on the other hand . . .
A gunman opens fire. At two military institutions, a crowded theater, and more. I’m sure we will nip this thing in the bud soon.
John Kasich becomes the 16th person to seek nomination of the Republican party. Yup. SIXTEENTH.
Street corner sized sinkhole forms in Brooklyn, New York. I see foreshadowing for this year.
First debate before the 2016 Republican Primaries is held. Conservative white dudes as far as the eye can see. Also Ben and Carly. Also Donald Trump (more like circus peanut than dude), but who would take HIM seriously?
Jon Stewart, in an effort to preserve sanity (he had no idea), retires from the Daily Show
Subway starts to really regret hiring that Jared guy.
More people shot. To change things up, someone goes after people in a movie theater this month with an ax. Netflix looking much better.
McDonald’s and Tyson foods horrified that a Tennessee based farm “stomps on chickens”. No stomping before deep frying – it’s a rule.
Just keep in mind that people are shot every month.
Clerk Kim Davis refuses to sign marriage licenses for same-sex couples. It’s sort of her job to sign her name on stuff, so she gets in trouble. Republicans make her a hero.
Stephen Colbert succeeds David Letterman as Late Night host. Humor is all that will get us through.
Police in Irving, Texas agree to drop charges on that kid who carried an alarm clock to school. Guns = good. Alarm clocks = bad.
Rick Perry, hated even by Republicans in TEXAS, drops out of the race. So does Scott Walker. Awwws.
Pope Francis visits the U.S. and does a lot of important things but no one remembers anything except for Kim Davis crashing his party.
Unemployment rate drops to 5 percent, the same as when the recession hit in 2007. But Obama is still a Muslim commie.
Jim Webb drops out of the Democratic race. Who was he again?
Hillary Clinton answers 8 hours worth of questions on that Benzhai thing. Next up, Republicans plan to force her to watch 8 hours of Fox News – she’ll really give up her secrets then.
That other guy no one knew drops out of the Democratic presidential race. No one notices.
World Health Organization finds that sausage and ham and everything you love causes Cancer.
Newspapers report that like, oil companies knew fossil fuels were bad for the environment.
At the Republican debate, 7 candidates try to team up on Trump, hurling mud, insults, and threatening to tell Mom. Well that last one was just Jeb.
At the Democratic debate, Hillary and Sanders argue about health care and other blah stuff, while O’Malley waves his hand wildly, hoping to speak.
More gunmen, but one baseball team beats another one, so hooray!
More people drop like flies from the presidential race. Everyone’s waiting for Trump to shout “Just kidding!” and leave.
Terrorist attack in San Bernardino. Donald Trump has the answer – ban all Muslims, just to make sure. Yet he’s still in the race.
Two other guys drop out though.
Bill Cosby gets an arrest warrant. No more pudding for him.
“This is not the type of campaign we run” – said by Bernie Sanders in a Democratic debate. Sorry, Bern, seems this IS the kind of campaign we run. Extra crispy crazy.
Artists boycott the Oscars because there aren’t enough African Americans nominated. A lot of America boycotts it because it’s so boring.
Zika virus appears. Donald Trump calls for banning all mosquitoes from the United States.
Jeb releases entertaining political ads, such as the one where he calls Trump a jerk. No really.
The International Atomic Energy Agency says Iran has dismantled their nukes. United Nations gives them a pat on the back. Many Americans say “Wait, there were nukes?”
North Korea launches a long range rocket into space in a desperate bid for attention.
Poor Democratic nominee Martin O’Malley (can I talk? can I talk NOW?) drops out. Sanders and Hillary too busy hissing and scratching to notice.
Former Prez Jimmy Carter picks Trump over Cruz. Cruz, dude, that’s just not good.
Quitting the Republican race: Jeb! (sadly the only partially sane candidate), Carly Fiorina (standing witchface), and Rand Paul (really a Libertarian unicorn).
Supreme Court Justice Scalia dies, and people mourn for roughly five seconds before pondering who gets his seat.
Stay tuned for Part Two – if you darrre.
I’m out for a while, guys, away from Facebook news and stuff gets like, crazy crazy. Droopy Dog Cruz just drops out, ka-poof, like he was tired of people (like fellow senators) saying he was the devil or something. And apparently Kasich dropped out too, though no one really noticed, just like they didn’t really notice he was running. And for like two days I didn’t even know this. My mother told me, and we don’t even talk all that often (Happy Mother’s Day Mom and Ted!).
Even weirder, there’s not even that much about it on Facebook, the place I get all my liberally biased news. That’s right, Facebook suppresses conservative news too! (I tried to find the Gizmodo article, but only got this article by the same guys about painting a room by blowing up paint.) I think it must be true, though, cause Facebook news says Tylenol can make you emphasize less with people, which must be why I don’t care about a lot of really stupid people. Frequent headaches and all. Anyway, so we are left with . . .
No one quite knows what to do with this. Oh, sure, comedians can laugh about it, but there’s this little edge to their laughter like ha ha Trump might be our president it’s hilarious and hahahahaha . . . ha . . . cough . . . choke.
So we’re left with Hillary and Bernie still duking it out because even though Bernie doesn’t stand much of a chance now, unlike Cruz, he’s just not going to leave Hillary alone until he absolutely has to because where would the fun in that be, huh? Meanwhile, Facebook does bother to announce that, hello, Trump just won – uh what was that latest state – he won one, guys, and I am totally surprised what with him being the only one running. Why are they bothering to announce this? Is it actually possible for someone to be the only candidate and still lose? I mean saying he’s not a Democrat running in Texas?
These days? Anything is possible. ANYTHING.
One might think this is good for Democrats. The problem is, if Hillary wins, there are many Bernie supporters who claim “Bernie or Bust” which is quite true because if they don’t vote for Hillary, they will, in fact, be voting for Trump, meaning “bust” big time. Ka-boom. I will write this out slowwwwly for people who are still uncertain about our two party system. If you don’t vote for the candidate picked, even if you don’t like this candidate, you are, in effect, voting for the other party. So then you just have to decide. Hillary or Trump?
I think I lost some people there. Come back, Canada is closing the gates!
This whole thing makes as much sense as that old song about cake getting wet. You know “Someone left my cake out by the ocean” . . . wait, no that’s the new song with one of those Jonas brothers about . . . it’s totally just about eating cake by the ocean young Disney Channel viewers. It’s edgy though, cause he says like bad words, and talks about cake. Cake that is bound to get wet. And you know what happens then. I don’t think that I can take it. Cause it took so long to bake it. And we are never having that recipe again.
Oh nooooooooooo! Ohhhhhhh nooooooo!
Did you see those metaphors just come flyin’ at you there? I did. They didn’t make any sense, just like this election, so it’s like we just took a perfectly good cake, left it out in the rain, on the beach, near a Jonas brother and a bunch of girls in bikinis, and now Trump may be President of the United States. Actions have consequences, people. Jonas brothers, ruined cake, Oompa Loompa politicians, people moving in mass to Canada where they probably don’t even have cake or oceans, I don’t know, and someone just “Wake Me Up When It’s All Over”. When I’m wiser and I’m sober.
Till then, let’s just eat cake and dance to stupid songs.
So yesterday we had the Iowa Caucus, which is a big deal because for the first time in almost four years, people care about Iowa again. I’m still not sure why. I’ve looked up the definition of “caucus”, which sounds a lot like a word for poop, and found this:
(noun): a meeting of the members of a legislative body who are members of a particular political party, to select candidates or decide policy.
The only difference between this and a primary, in which we go vote for our favorite (or least hated) candidate in our party of choice (or last resort), is that there’s a lot of people partying at the caucus, at least until they find out the results. Then stuff like this happens:
That’s right! Trumpy came in second by a wide margain. Yay!? Uh, so who came in first? Teddy Cruz. I forgot who he was for a moment, until I saw his face. Oh yeah.
Marco (Polo) Rubio of these boots are made for walkin’ fame, came in a close third to Trumpy. So, according to the Guardian, we could have two “Cuban Americans” fighting over the Republican nomination. I giggled a little at that. Because they are totes Cuban. Must be why they are so insistent on keeping out immigrants. Goodness knows we never get Cuban ones, just ask Florida.
Jeb finished in a dismal sixth place after a libertarian of all things, and brain donor Ben Carson. Not a good sign. Still, I hope he hangs on because I really like his ad campaign. It’s hilariously awful. Huckabee officially bowed out of the campaign, which I thought he’d done months ago, leaving only like 30 Republicans in the race. I think.
As far as the Democrats go, it’s officially still too close to call, which means Hillary is like, oh wow thank goodness I won as evidenced by CNN supporting my campaign! Her numbers were higher than Sanders – by .03 percentage points. Meanwhile Sanders had his own victory speech because he nearly beat her, in spite of purposely ticking off Wall Street and corporations (or because of?), and in spite of both the media and the Democratic party thinking his ramshackle campaign could never win. Sometimes, guys, it helps if you actually cast a vote. I know, it sounds stupid, but sometimes it does. At the very least, you can cancel out someone’s vote. So just do it.
Now these wins don’t necessarily mean that Clinton and Cruz are going to be our candidates. There are actually states besides Iowa. But it does give you an idea. Sanders is still in the race, and Trump Dump’s incredible charm did not let him win this one. He even managed to spit out that he was “honored to be in second place” and that he “congratulated Cruz”. If I were Cruz, I’d hire a few bodyguards.
So one state down, only 49 to go! Isn’t this exciting? I’m just so excited I think I could barf. Maybe the definition of caucus should be the one first proposed by Lewis Carroll in that book I kind of like:
“What is a Caucus-race?” said Alice; not that she much wanted to know, but the Dodo had paused as if it thought that somebody ought to speak, and no one else seemed inclined to say anything.
“Why,” said the Dodo, “the best way to explain it is to do it.” (And, as you might like to try the thing yourself, some winter day, I will tell you how the Dodo managed it.)
First it marked out a race-course, in a sort of circle (“the exact shape doesn’t matter,” it said), and then all the party were placed along the course, here and there.
There was no “One, two, three, and away!” but they began running when they liked, and left off when they liked, so that it was not easy to know when the race was over. However, when they had been running half an hour or so, and were quite dry again, the Dodo suddenly called out “The race is over!” and they all crowded round it, panting, and asking, “But who has won?”
-“Alice in Wonderland” by Lewis Carroll
Your guess is as good as mine.