Tag Archives: trussed up

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Two

Before I even begin, may I just say this chapter was a buttload of . . .

This cat knows what it’s talking about.

I mean, I just, what, I can’t, why, I don’t even, fuck, fuck, fuck.  I think that about does it.

First off, I suppose you probably figured out that (B) The yacht blew up, was not the right answer, but kudos to any who answered that out of spite.  Also, those who selected (C) Ana shows a spine for five seconds, are also wrong.  Frowny Face.

So, yes, that means that (A) Christian trusses Ana up like a stuck pig, is correct.  Happy Face for you, which might be the last happy face you ever make.  That bodes so well for the rest of this recap, doesn’t it?  SIGH.  Let’s get to it.

Chapter Two opens with Christian flipping out because Ana has been showing off her boobies to, like, security, and the rest of the beach, and OMG possibly the paparazzi!  ( Red Flag) Wait a minute.  I mean, I get that she’s showing off on the beach, although she points out that so is every other woman, but you know Ana’s a speshul freaking snowflake, so I’m sure her boobs are rounder and pointier and sparklier than everyone else’s.  But even then, I don’t get why the paparazzi would give a shit.  I mean, he’s a businessman, not an actor, a famous athlete, or a freaking prince.  No one should care that much about this guy.  So he’s rich.  A lot of people are rich.  Big fucking deal.  The paparazzi have their hands full what with all the talentless reality TV stars they have to trail.  There’s no time for stupid talentless businessmen.  He also adds that her speshul boobies might be on the cover of Star!  This is just ridiculous. (FacePalm, WTF).

Papparazi are also chasing this chick.

So Christian is pissy with Ana and an asshole to the innocent waiter (Red Flag) and Ana’s wondering why Christian didn’t see the funny side (Ana Fail) of her little stunt.  GEE, ANA, I don’t know.  Maybe it’s because you married a freaking psychopath you moron!  Sheesh.  He drags Ana off, and we meet Taylor’s two new sidekicks since Ryan and Reynolds had to go make an awful Green Lantern movie together.  And get this – the names of the two new sidekicks are Phillipe and Gaston, and they’re, like, twins.  Gaston?  Really?  E.L., you just got through watching Disney’s Beauty and the Beast, didn’t you?  Gosh, that’s so freaking clever (FacePalm). 

Holy Crap, Belle, this book is filled with porn!

Christian and Ana get on the Jet Ski and Ana thinks yippee this is so much fun zooming around like a twelve-year-old even though Christian’s planning to kill her when he gets to the boat.  Wheee! (FacePalm)  They get to the boat and have drinks (I could have taken points for alcohol abuse too, but really, she’s doing badly enough already).  So Christian brags about how he got his boat from this British knight whose grandpa opened a grocery store and whose daughter is like married to a crown prince of Europe and if you believe that I’m like freaking Queen Elizabeth II (FacePalm).  They discuss how badly Christian is going to punish Ana.  You know, romantic honeymoon talkies. (Red Flag, Sexy Times)

Thinking about this makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, like this little guy.

Christian reminds Ana that she’s stinking rich, so she should get used to throwing money away on useless shit, and I’m reminded of why we should totally offer tax breaks to our unfortunate top one percent in this country. (AliceRage)  And Ana drifts off into ANOTHER flashback, and yes, looks like I’m going to have to come up with points off for the flashbacks.  At least there hasn’t been an email yet.  Thank all that is holy for small favors.  This one’s all about them arguing over whether Christian should make Ana sign a prenup agreement and Christian gets all madface and why the fuck should we care about this? (BoredNow)  I do love it when Ana points out to Christian that “you know I might do something exceptionally stupid”.  I have to give her that one.

Yup. That’s Ana.

Ana comes back to reality (She should probably get this drifting off business looked at.  Maybe she’s having mini seizures from some brain injury.  That would explain a lot.) and Christian orders Ana not to pee.(WTF)  Not . . . pee?  Oh, sweet Jesus, I DO NOT want to read any more of this.  I thought this was a hard limit, James!  If Ana pees on Christian, that’s it, I’m . . . actually that would be incredibly amusing, except that he’d probably enjoy it and just, crap, can this book get worse?  Don’t answer that.

Just hold it, Ana, ‘kay?

Ana reflects that she is one lucky girl as Christian gets out the metal handcuffs and the blindfold, that he, you know, just happened to bring with them on their honeymoon. (Red Flag).  He tells her the cuffs can be painful, but he really, really wants to use them on her, so that makes it all okay! (Red Flag)  He trusses her up, I shit you not, like a stuck pig.  Left hand attached to left ankle, right hand attached to right ankle. (RED FLAG) Wow.  Just, that’s so damn romantic.  Anyway, she has to think up a safe word, so she goes with “popsickle” (Facepalm) and off we go! (Sexy Times)

First ice cream, now popsickles. Quit ruining food for me, E.L.!

Christian takes off her bikini and threatens to staple it to her the next day (Red Flag).  I would take him at his word, Ana.  He tells Ana she was disobedient (did she shit on the rug?) and says “I’m going to fuck you until you scream.” (Red flag, red flag, fucking red flag!)  Sorry . . . I lost myself for a minute there.  Must have been that orgasm I just had.  This scene is just so erotic and not at all scary as shit. (AliceRage)

So he slams into her with his massive peen over and over and this sounds pretty damn painful to me, especially considering the way she’s positioned (Red Flag), but Ana is totally into it, of course (Ana Fail).  I hate her.  Christian asks why she defies him (Red Flag) and then commands her to orgasm again, which she does.  I hate him too.  Ana has a death defying orgasm that is probably heard all the way back in America, and it’s finally freaking over.  Ana thinks that this punishment fuck was way cool and that she should totally disobey more often (Ana Fail, FacePalm).  Yeah, it’s so cool, Ana.  Maybe next time while he’s punishing you, he’ll freaking kill you, and then we won’t have to hear your idiot thoughts ever, ever again. (AliceRage) That’s a nice thought.

I thought I’d give you a visual, so you can get the full impact of being trussed up. Sexy, huh?

Ana falls asleep, then wakes up in the morning to go pee (cause he wouldn’t let her before, remember, and like, we need to know whenever she needs to urinate).  But when she looks in the bathroom mirror, she’s like, what did he do to me?  End chapter.

Final Score: 100-58 =42 or . . .

Is there a grade lower than this? Like, say, a G?

Question Three: What’s going to happen in Chapter Three?

A. Ana discovers that she is covered in hickies and bruises and temporarily grows a spine before being sexed into submission by that silly old Christian.

B. Christian has a flashback about crackwhore mom braiding his hair.

C. Taylor, Phillipe, and Gaston handcuff Christian and Ana together, and toss them overboard.  Christian tries desperately to stick his peen in her one last time as they sink to the bottom.

Good luck!  I can’t wait for Chapter Three, because I just know you can’t get any worse than Chapter Two.