Hullo, all. I thought I’d update you on what is coming up (besides possibly my lunch) in the week ahead. Tomorrow we have our eleventh lesson in 50 Shades Flunked. It’s a doozie. Don’t miss it. I know some of you have skipped class lately, and risk being dropped from Smut University. Sad Pony cries for you. Especially if you still don’t realize you’re enrolled.
Also, I’m proud to announce that the Things and I have finally finished Twilight II: New Moon. It took us a while. I think we rented it three separate times. The Things became interested in chores and early bedtimes. But we persevered, readers, and I do believe this is the best one yet, thanks to the nutty brilliance of The Things. It will be another three-parter, starting on Thursday.
But what else will you do with this blog, you might wonder. Or, what WON’T you do with this blog at this point? That’s up to you! If you have suggestions of something you’d like me to write about, just let me know. I’m happy to review crappy books and movies, because I have something wrong with me. Actually I can write about almost anything, whether I know what I’m talking about or not, because I don’t have to bother with pesky research. Anyhoo, just drop me a line down the rabbit hole in the comments or an email. See ya soon.
When last we left our moronic duo, Bella was ready to introduce her Dad to her bloodsucking boyfriend. He had cocked his gun. Good move, Charlie.
Here, at last, is the conclusion to our Twilight movie recap, starring Thing One and Thing Two, one more time.
Edward: Bella’s gonna play baseball with my family.
Dad: Bella’s gonna play baseball?
Me: Yup. With vampires.
Dad: Bring the pepper spray.
All of us: Woot!
(It’s the vampire baseball scene, folks. They show up in their stupid uniforms.)
T1: Oh you’ve got to be kidding me.
(Edward and Edmund smash into each other.)
All of us: Huggies!
(Mean vampires show up.)
T1: Look! Cool vampires!
(They slink over to our baseball morons.)
T1: I’m too sexyyy for my fangs.
Me: Hey, vampires come in Jamaican.
(Here comes the wind! Bella’s hair blows again. Vampires hiss like alley cats! It’s like West Side story! Look out, they’re gonna dance fight!)
T1: Yes. This is like so epic. Where are their fangs? Are they going to gnaw each other to death?
(They talk to each other. Blah, blah. Scary eye war. Then the mean vampires just . . . walk away?)
Me: Why’d they leave?
T1: They had a perfect chance!
(Edward and Bella driving wildly.)
Bella: I have to see my dad.
Me: And get him killed! Excellent decision!
(Go to Dad’s house.)
(Bella is a real witch to her Dad. Where are the mean vampires?)
T1: Come on, vampires, do it!
T1: Good one Bella – get dad killed AND hurt his feelings.
T1: Why didn’t the vampire attack her father? How does Bella have enough blood for anybody? She’s too pale.
(Meanwhile, back at vamp headquarters.)
Carlisle: Rosalie, we must help Bella. She is part of this family now.
T1: Yeah she’s so special.
Me: Rosalie’s the only one who doesn’t want to risk her life for one mortal. She’s the only smart one, but she’s the jerk.
T1: There is an ENTIRE TOWN of people. He goes after Bella?
(Alice has a fast forwarded vision. Girls imitate wacky running motions.)
(They go to a hotel. This is so exciting.)
T1: What’s on TV? Vampire weekly!
(James calls Bella and tries to lure her out with a recording of her mom. Tells her not to take her vampire friends.)
Me: How stupid are ya feelin’ Bella? It’s not like this evil vampire will lie.
(Ballet Studio where James waits. Oh, oh, turns out it’s not her mom, it’s a home video recording of her mom talking to little Bella, who was a brat even then.)
Me: She can’t tell her mom’s real voice from a home movie? So James went to her house, looked thru her whole home video collection, found this, found a VCR, put it in, took it to the abandoned studio, set it up, called Bella- that’s a lot of work for a meal.
(James knocks Bella across room.)
(James decides to film Bella’s butt whooping.)
T1: What, is he gonna post it on youtube?
(The Edward is here. He and James fight and fly into mirrors.)
T1: 7 years of bad luck. 14 years of bad luck . . .
T2 runs out of the room. Runs back in. She’s not scared, just bored.
(Carlisle stops Edward.)
Me: Eddykins looks wacky! But I was likin’ the punchin and stuff!
(James bit Bella. She’s flopping around on the ground like a fish. Carlisle tells Edward to suck the venom out of the bite.)
Me: Why doesn’t Carlisle do it? You know, the trained medical doctor?
(Background – they are tearing apart James and putting him in the fire)
Me: Throw another vamp leg on the fire!
(Eddy sucks on Bella’s arm like a doggie with a bone. LOL.)
T1: How romantic.
(Carlisle has to force Edward to stop since he has no control. Um, yeah, that would be why Carlisle should have done it.)
(Bella wakes up in hospital.)
Mom: You fell down two flights of stairs and through a window.
Me: Yeah, that’s impressive to do by yourself.
Bella: I want to stay in Forks!
Me: Suddenly she wants to be in Forks! So she broke her dad’s heart for noth-ing.
Edward: You’re in here because of me.
Me: Yup, that’s true.
T1: Moral of story: Don’t date a vampire.
(Bella stutters when Edward tries to break up with her).
T2: Blup, blurp, pluck, urppp. . .
(They are being romantic. Bella pleads for him to not leeeave her.)
T2: I’m scarrrred.
(Bella gets out of hospital with a giant cast on her leg. Somehow she can walk without any crutches already. Eddie and Bella leave for prom. Dad gives a little speech to her.)
T1: Oh, and don’t date vampires.
(Jacob shows up. He looks like a Pert Plus commercial.)
T1: Like my new conditioner?
T2: I went to the wolf salon.
(Edward and Jacob mean stare at each other).
(Edward and Bella leave prom quickly.)
T1: They can’t stand people.
(They dance in the pavilion. What? This gorgeous prom in small town Forks? Mine was in a smelly gym. They have an ice sculpture. An ice sculpture?)
(Bella begs him to make her a vampire.)
Me: Come on, doooo it, dooo it.
T2: He’s sparkling arghh!
T1 is hitting herself in the forehead over and over.
Me: End, end, end!
(Girl vampire crashes prom. And yet does NOTHING.)
The End: Creeper stare!