Tag Archives: twilight

The Republican and the Democrat: A Love Story Part Two

We’re back with Thing Two’s captivating story of two vampires people torn apart by POLITICS.  Can the two ever be together, what with the probable different number of chromosomes?  Let’s find out in part two of: The Republican and the Democrat: A Love Story.

 

CHAPTER THREE

GUNS, GUNS AND MORE GUNS
Ken went on the wonderful web and looked for a good lookin’ dating website for him to find a new gal.

“Hey this one looks swell.” He took a deep breath and started on Democrathotties.com

Name: Kennedy

Gender: male

Voting for: Bernie Sanders

Hobbies: Having long debates on the beach

More about ME: My favorite color is blue, my favorite animal is a donkey, and my uncle is

Bernie Sanders, and I live in a cardboard house since I donated all my money to orphans, plus I’m poor….cool right!!!???

*insert hawt picture*

Before he had decided which angle, or whether he wanted to have his shirt on or not for his “hawt” picture, he got 2 requests already. The first girl was named Bindi Roosevelt, who also liked Donkeys. The other girl was named Katy Reagan…and her picture had her in a red bikini, next to 3 guns. Being bewildered on how such a Republican appeared on a Democratic dating site, he rejected both. His dog started to howl loudly as he finally took his needed picture and went to bed …. dreaming about rich little Marsha.

Ken on his cardboard computer in his eco-friendly cardboard house - with wifi.

Ken on his cardboard computer in his eco-friendly cardboard house – with wifi.

 

CHAPTER FOUR

ELEPHANT CROSSING

It was decided, Ken was going on a date with Harley Quinn Willson.  Ken got into his eco-friendly gear and set off  to meet a new companion.  Ken road his special hot pink, gas reduced, Beatles signed (its not REALLY signed by the Beatles…he just happened to mistake a man with a long fringe cut walking down the street for Ringo.) flower smelling bike of magic. On the way to the meeting place, a quick yet sincere thought whipped past his mind…maybe……. just maybe……..he could get a Ringo haircut.

Ken finally got to the internet cafe where he was to meet his new more than friends friend (hopefully). He parked his Beatle bike and swayed into the cafe. He sat down at a table and made sure that no crumbs had stayed undefeated with a brush of his hand …. and he waited.

 

CHAPTER FIVE

MARSHA’S TURN

Marsha put on her black Prada sandals, and put up her coat. She checked her bed for BB’s, and texted her new boyfriend who went by the name “Chad” which most likely stood for Courageous Happy-go lucky Amazing Democrat hater. A knock came from the north of the house…it was Chad!

“Hey!!” Marsha was so excited to get to know this new man. “Hi Chad!”

“Actually my name is Alejandro, I just shortened it to Chad.” Marsha couldn’t find what sounded weird about that but who cares!!??

“Well, are we ready?” he asked.

Masha got on her billion dollar hat worn by the queen of England.  “Yep! All ready!!”

They set off on their journey to the cafe.

“Hey…this place sounds good, maybe we can eat here.” he said.

Marsha thought it was a great idea…it smelled pretty good in there. They walked in and Marsha sat down while Chad grabbed some napkins. Marsha looked around the place, it looked pretty nice except….

             Kennedy was there!!!!

*****

The suspense is killing you, I’m sure.  We’ll find out what happens next in part three of the thrilling saga of those political lovebirds.  Thing Two was kind enough to leave a message for me at the end of her writing.  Here it is.

*Dear mom, if you are reading this then your prob editing…just so you know, your doing a great job and i love you*

I have pretty amazing kids.

Alice

Advertisements

The Republican and the Democrat: A Love Story

Congrats to all of you.  Thing Two, my eleven-year-old, is a young writer.  She aspired to write as well as Stephenie Meyer, and did so back in first grade.  Still, she decided to write a love story about a Democrat and a Republican in Twilight fashion.  I found it quite promising, and have only (I swear) edited it for grammar and spelling.  Well I edited it as much as Stephenie would.  Enjoy.

 

The Republican and the Democrat: A Love Story

This is the story of the Democrat and the Republican, which is a way better story than Twilight…..like totes…. just ask SM.

Stephany Mayo:

Diz iz the bestz stoiy ever bout ROMANCEEEEEEEEEEEE

See!!! Even famous writers like it. So…. let’s get that out of the way…first we have to tell the story…DUH!!!!! (great intro right!!!???)

CHAPTER ONE,

THE ONE

Kennedy stared at her…her beauty could send one to the moon. Her eyes were as sparkling as global warming. His heart played a saxophone to the tune of her blinks.

“Hey…. you ready for our date??”

Ken snapped out of his fantasy from the feelings he had once she met him.

“Okay now since you have snapped out of it I’ll discuss the plans, first… we need to catch the taxi…but the driver has to be American!!!” Wondering why she was so specific about the driver’s race he called the taxi with her.

Much later…

“This is so romantic!” she said with a sweet stare. The date was almost done…he had passed through all the questions..but he had a feeling one was approaching.

“Hey….” here it comes he thought, the question…he armed himself with excuses. “Are you Republican or Democrat???”

“Democrat.” he said.

She dropped her drink as her mascara dribbled down her cheek. “I’MMM……A REPUBLICAN.” she said  “WEEEE CAN’T BE TOGETHER!!!!”

His heart failed…and he fainted.

"Kennedy noooooooo!"

“Kennedy noooooooo!”

CHAPTER TWO

DONKEY DAY

Ken woke up to a voice stronger than silver.  “I’m sorry…”

He tried to gain his memory. “I’m sorry too…. Marsha.”

“It’s my fault my uncle is Trump.”

Ken understood…since Uncle Bernie wanted him to only date Democrats.

“I guess this is it.” Ken realized this was most likely the last time he was to see her.

“Well bye … I guess.” Marsha walked away with mascara dripping down her shirt…Ken yelled after her …. but she only cried and ran farther.

Ken started to see the clues come together…she only wanted a American around her…in fact right once they had their first date she asked him if he was American, he thought as a bird landed on his shoulder.

“I need a new girlfriend,” he mumbled.

 

What will happen next?  Will Ken and Marsha see past their political stereotypes and have a love as shallow as Bella and Edward in Twilight?  Who knows, she hasn’t written it yet.  Stay tuned. 

Merbear’s Beatle Contest with Twilight, Beatles, and Baby Sun

I told you guys earlier about a contest where you could win a book personally touched by Merbear – or possibly licked, I’m not sure.  I should check that out cause it totally affects the value.  Anyhoo, it’s a Beatles book and you want to win it because WIN.

This book is chock full of info about the Beatles like why they chose the name "beatles" and not say "spiders" or "caterpillars".

This book is chock full of info about the Beatles like why they chose the name “beatles” and not say “spiders” or “caterpillars”.

I will give you guys a chance though you really don’t have one.  Not with this incredible entry.  Observe and be amazed.

I chose the song “Good Day Sunshine” cause that sounded easy challenging.  Here are the lyrics, and they are awesome, cause Beatles:

Good day sunshine,
Good day sunshine,
Good day sunshine.
I need to laugh, and when the sun is out
I’ve got something I can laugh about,
I feel good, in a special way.
I’m in love and it’s a sunny day.

 

It is summer, and we are all on drugs, that's how we picked out swimsuits out la la

It is summer, and we are all on drugs, that’s how we picked our swimsuits out la la

Okay, so I was thinking, sunshine, good day.  What am I gonna do with THAT?  I mean, am I a wizard or what?  Then I realized – hey I could draw a sun.  Like totally.  And it mentions LOVE and no one emphasizes LOVE like those jerkwads on Twilight, and also, if there was sun, then Eddie would sparkle,which would be even better.  And then I would put the Beatles in the sun because if they can hang out with Lucy in the sky with diamonds, why not inside a blazing sun?

Ta-Da!

Ta-Da!

I know, it’s so impressive you can hardly tear your eyes away.  Note how I not only added sparkles and a giant flower, but there’s also a tiny yellow submarine.  GET IT?  I’m a gonna sit back now and bask in the awesomeness.  Good day, maybe sunshine, even if my car smelled like wet dog this morning.

Alice

50 Shades of Valentines

Hullo, Alice here.  I have been ripped out of my seclusion because I just had to tell you about the most romantical movie ever made, so romantical they of course had to release it on Valentine’s Day!  Before I begin, I must warn you that this post is not fit for children, dogs, or respectable human beings.

Are they gone?  Great, it’s just us.  Naturally, the movie I am referring to this:

Note that Christian is the one with mussy red hair and a bat and Ana is the one with the vacant expression

Note that Christian is the one with mussy red hair and a bat and Ana is the one with the vacant expression.

That’s right, folks!  Just when you thought it had crawled under the sewer grates of the world to die, it has returned!  50 Shades of Crap – er Grey!  I was going to put in one of the posters from the movie there, but even WordPress for some reason refused to let me do it – three times in a row.  I guess even they have standards.

Of course the movie producers could have saved time by just doing this:

The totally original movie!

The totally original movie!

I’m not sure why they didn’t just get Kstew and Rputz or whatever their names are to star in this one.  Everyone knows their careers are pretty much in the toilet after those Twilight movies.  But then again, a number of actors ran from this movie, so maybe they finally wisened up too.

Anyhoo, you might be wondering if I went to see this great feat of sinamatography (spelling intended).  I refuse to spend that much money to sit in a theater and watch this, especially considering I would spend the first 15 minutes either heckling it or snoring, and would soon be thrown out.  Will I get it on video?  Oh, you know I will, if only so I can answer some of those deep down, burning, throbbing questions.  For instance:

1. The tampon scene

If you haven’t read the books, you can check out my review of said chapter, or try to forget I ever mentioned it.  Suffice it to say, I really want to know how they pull that one off, er, um, fit it into an R rated movie.  Personally, I think they should have aimed for XXX or even ZZZ.

2. Christian introducing Ana to his “manhood”.

I just have to see if they include that, and how the actors manage to keep from falling out of the bathtub laughing.

3. Christian’s lobby

There better be a buttload of sandstone there, or I will be sorely disappointed.

4. Buttplugs

Speaking of buttload, there must be buttplugs. A whole drawer full of ’em.  Maybe some will be shaped like Mickey Mouse or something.  They should go all out (and in) on this.

5. The way Christian’s pants hang.

Just how DO they hang?  From his hips showing his underoos like Marky Mark?  Maybe they hang from his nipples?  The world must know.

6. The emails

Will we be treated to that heart-stopping typing action with all its vomit-inducing cutesy-ness?  I can’t wait.

7. The sex scenes

I will not accept these scenes as authentic unless Ana says “Oh Jeez” at least once, and makes lots of pirate noises (argggh).

8. The bicycle incident

Early in the book Ana is almost hit by a van er I mean a bicycle.  I think they should get Lance Armstrong to guest star.  It’s not like he could fall that much farther.

9. Christian’s long fingers

I’m hoping they add on some appendages, kind of like Edward Scissorhands, only not as subtle.

10. Ana’s multiple personalities

Will we hear all of Ana’s thoughts rattling around in that empty head as voice-overs, or will they get actual people to play her subconscious and inner goddess?  I expect pom poms.

And that’s just the START of my questions.  Now there is a chance the movies will be better than the books.  Like Twilight, I really can’t imagine them being worse.  I can think of a few suggestions to make things a little more interesting.  For instance, instead of tying Ana to a cross, Christian could tie her to that wheel from The Price Is Right, spin her around, and attempt to mate with her (or the board) while it spins.  If they time it right, they could win the Showcase Showdown.

I guess I’ll never know for sure unless I actually watch it, but guessing is half the fun.  So I ask you readers, did any of you go to see this piece of . . . movie history?  Do you have any guesses about what it will be like?  Or are you, like most sane people, in denial that the book or anything like it ever took place?  Let me know in the comments below!

 

 

 

Seventeen Again

Yup, I’m seventeen.  Well maturity wise.  Well, actually more like thirteen, but we’ll bump it up to seventeen for the heck of it.  Just yesterday I saw a post by the awesome Becky about turning 29 and feeling old.  Beck, I don’t remember 29.  I think the last thing I remember was turning 24, right after my first daughter was born, and then BAM suddenly I’m 37.  I have no idea how that happened.

Anyway, I also happened to see a post by Sarah, formerly Combat Girl, who took a quiz from Seventeen magazine to find out what sort of feminist she was.  Well, I was all up in that, cause I love taking quizzes, especially somewhat pointless ones.  So I took it, and, shock, I’m a liberal feminist.  I know, your jaws are on the freaking floor, amiright?

Who is this girl on the cover?  And who named her?

Who is this girl on the cover? And who named her?

But, you guys, there were more quizzes, and they were about very important topics.  Like, not just what dress do I want to wear to prom, but what perfume should go along with it?  Crap, I had no idea there were so many decisions.  Yes, I realize I am not seventeen and so this is not supposed to concern me, but honestly, I wasn’t a very good teenager.  While I did pick out a prom dress, I didn’t take a quiz to find out – I sort of tried it on. And I didn’t once think about wearing perfume, because it makes me cough.

But there are other topics, don’t worry.  There are Twilight quizzes, vampire quizzes, “does he like me” quizzes, boyfriend quizzes, love tests, quizzes about love, and quizzes for girls.  Like, um, what guy is reading seventeen magazine?  Come to think of it, what girl is?  Apparently me.  So I took some of the quizzes, because otherwise I’d have to do something, like, productive.

What earth shattering revelations will I discover?

What earth shattering revelations will I discover?

I wasn’t for sure what the difference was between vampire quizzes and Twilight quizzes since, Zomg, Edward is the only vampire and he is so sparkly!  And I was right.  When I selected “vampire quizzes”, they were all about Twilight. Go figure.  So I took one.

Quiz: Are You Team Edward or Team Jacob? (Take this quiz to find out which supernatural Twilight  man is right for you!)

How about neither?  Okay, here are the questions.  Some of the multiple choice answers were condensed by yours truly.

1. Can you keep a secret?

a. I try, but I open my yap too much

b. yes, for 100 years, do you get it?

My answer: Depends.  Are we talking about keeping a vampire secret?  Because I’m pretty sure I’d out Edward and put his disco ball butt right out in the sunshine.

2. Do you believe in love at first sight?

a. Maybe, when you find the right person it will be forever!

b. Absolutely!  Some things are meant to be!

Now I didn’t change the wording in those answers that much.  The choices really are between maybe and absolutely, even though the maybe even seems to also be a yes.  So – yes or yes, girls?

The quiz goes on to ask what my personality flaw is.  I’m thinking the fact that I actually read these books, but I have a choice between not taking myself seriously, and not being myself.  Again, aren’t both of those pretty close to the same thing?  I’m starting to get suspicious.

Next it’s do you take risks, how do you act when you’re angry (if I act like a jerk, I’m perfect for either of them), and when making decisions am I guided by emotion or logic?  Strike out for logic, there wasn’t any in the book.  I’m not sure which guy is supposed to be the logical one here.  Anyway, I randomly put in answers and got Team Jacob.  Woot.

Jacob In A Can  by Thing Two

Jacob In A Can
by Thing Two
(note the strategically placed peppermint)

I figured I’d move on to real life boyfriends, or as real as they get in high school (think Gucci purse to match your pumps), so I chose “Boyfriend  Quizzes”.  Wow, so many to choose from.  Am I too close to him, too far away, should I dump him, should we make out, should I just go read a book and forget about guys for a while – okay I made that last one up.  I then checked out “Love Quizzes”, which had boyfriend quizzes.  Then I looked up “Quizzes for Girls”, and – surprise – more stuff about boyfriends.  So – teens have no other issues?  Good to know!

Of course, some of this stuff made me feel even more ancient.  Like, I know a lot of the shorthand, like OMG, and FYI and especially WTF.  But explain to me this sentence.

Who’s your 1D BGF?

It’s a quiz, peeps, and I don’t even understand what the quiz is asking.  I certainly don’ t know the answer.  This really IS just like high school.  But what the heck.  I clicked on it, and it turns out 1D is shorthand for  One Direction, the boy group no one gives a crap about, not even a lot teen girls.  Seventeen says:

You already know your 1D love match, but you have to admit, the guys also seem like they’d be fun friends. Which member would you mesh most with? Take the quiz to find out whether Zayn, Liam, Louis, Niall, or Harry would be your best guy friend.
Yeah, um, these guys.  How to choose???

Yeah, um, these guys. How to choose???

Oh, so I get it.  BGF is “best guy friend”.  I thought it was “big groovy ferret.”  I think I’d prefer that.  But gosh, how will I know whether Zayn, Liam, Louis, Niall, or Harry will be the pal for me?  I think I can mark off Zayn right away because, seriously, that is not the way you spell Zane.  And Niall – I have no idea if that’s spelled right, because I have never heard of it before.  So I was down to three before I started the quiz, but then they asked if you liked the “classic” Thriller, and they just lost me right there.  I don’t think I’m going to date a boy band.

So I turned to personality quizzes.  I can find out if about all sorts of personalities I didn’t know existed.  Like fitness personality (lazy), study personality, party personality, shoe personality, and Halloween candy personality.  And, of course, bra personality.  (I’m not making any of these up.)  I wanted to find out my bra personality – Double D?  Strapless? Those cone things Madonna wears on her boobs?  Well, I clicked on it, and got an error.  Now I will never know.  Sigh.

So, honey, do you think this fits my personality?

So, honey, do you think this fits my personality?

I have to say, after researching this fascinating magazine, I feel older, but I really don’t care.  You could not pay me to go back to seventeen.  Now the body and health of one, sure, but not actually going back there.  I’m actually fairly happy where I am right now.

But maybe I should take a quiz to make sure.

My First Troll or Dragon Tales Still Sucks

When I first started reviewing 50 Shades of Awful and Twidud, I figured I’d get some angry fan spittle all over my blog.  Even when I had only a handful of viewers, it wouldn’t have surprised me.  There are some fans so dedicated they will seek out anybody, no matter how small, in order to protect their sacred cow (moooo).  And yet – I never heard a peep.  In fact, one person who was a fan of Shades still thought I was funny and reblogged my post.  Go figure.

Then it happened.  A troll.  A real, live troll!  On my blog!  It was a wondrous day, you guyz.  I had to read the comment a few times to make sure it was real.  It was so much better than the spammers (this blog to read is educational to be coming back soon.)  You’ll never guess what post irritated the reader.  Not 50 Shades, not Twilight, not my occasional political ramblings, not the times I screwed up revered American holidays like Christmas and Easter and Thanksgiving.  Nope.

Welcome, troll!

Welcome, troll!

It was Dragon Tales.  It’s been a while since I’ve done a review of awful children’s T.V.  I must get back to this, now that I’ve finished awful adult books.  But the troll was angry!  He or she told me “Dragon Tales is a good show!  It’s for kids, not for 40-year-old fartheads like you!”  Said troll had no blog, just an email address that went something like “dragontalesmaniacalfreakedoutfan.”  Let me tell you, I was deeply saddened by this insult.  For your information, troll, I am NOT forty, okay?

And that’s not all!  There was another comment on another post, this one about how Clifford was either doin’ steroids or exposed to nuclear waste.  It said, and I quote “Again, mean!”  Mean?  Me?  I thought my blog was sweetness and light!  Now I’m all disillusioned.

Sort of like when I saw this show the first time.  Those are NOT dragons.

Sort of like when I saw this show the first time. Those are NOT dragons.

I thought this was the end of it, but I think this person has a whole fan club that is still tracking my blog.  I keep getting hits because of it.  Check out the most recent search words people used to find my blog.  Just today: dragon tales (10), dragon tails (2), dragon tale (1), dragontales (1), and yesterday: dragon tales (11), dragon’s tale (3), dragon tale (1).  And this has been going on for a while now.  It might be my new top search word this year.  It would help if this fan club could figure out how to spell Dragon Tales.

Far out, huh?  This just goes to show you how bizarre the Internet can be.  I suppose I should be thankful to these guys for giving my blog traffic.  Therefore, I’ve decided to review it again.  Here’s the original post for any of you who missed it.  And a clip of the show, too.  Guard your stomachs.

 

Upon reviewing the show again, dear troll, I have to say . . . it still sucks.  Yeah.  Pretty much.  I mean, yes, it is for children and not adults.  But adults are usually forced to watch this crap too.  Unless they prefer to neglect their children like Max and Ruby’s parents.  (Max and Ruby review coming up, Max and Ruby fans!)  Besides, just because it’s for kids doesn’t mean it can’t have a little quality to it.  For instance, I can watch Sesame Street without gagging as long as I turn it off before the Elmo comes on.  But Dragon Tales makes the mistake of not only being annoying and stupid, but pretentious about it.

So sorry to spill your milk there (everyone makes mistakes, oh yes, they do) but I don’t like it.  Sure the dragons teach the kids Spanish (Why are the dragons Spanish?  Do they also have Russian dragons?  Scottish ones?) but we already had Dora for that (Saltaaaaaaaaaa!)  We didn’t need any more.  I mean, Dora was shrieky and irritating, but at least she didn’t whine nearly as much as these so-called dragons.  So, yeah, review stands.  On the suck-o-meter, we have a ten.  But please – do come back.  I’ll leave the rug cleaner out for you.

Love and kisses,

Alice

The Final Chapter and . . . WTF????

Last chapter! Last chapter!  Wow, that’s a long freaking chapter.  I’ll just skim by and . . . okay Chapter 25 ends and then there’s . . . . still 36 pages.  What the hell?  Okay, yes, I could have read ahead but there’s only so much you can stomach at a time.  Now that I think of it, Speaker 7 said something about this . . . bloop, blop, bleep, I think it was.  There is an Epilogue.  Okay.  Then when you get to the end of that there is . . . still 24 pages.  I have entered a wormhole from which there is no escape, peeps.  The last 24 pages are from Christian’s point of view.

This is the swirling vortex James has sucked us into.

This is the swirling vortex James has sucked us into.

Wait just a fucking second.  Okay, so it wasn’t bad enough that she copied Stephenie Meyer’s idiot Twilight series, she has actually had the gall to copy her stupid idea to retell the entire story again from Edward’s point of view.  In case you didn’t know, Meyer tried this trick and duh-er let someone leak the first few chapters onto the Internet, threw a pouty fit about it, and decided she was not finishing it so there.  Thank God for whoever leaked that book.  But anyway, James – James copied that too, yet they are seriously saying this is an original work and I just . . . I just . . . bloop, blop, bleep.

Okay.  I said I’d finish this and damn it, James is not going to beat me.  Wrong choice of words.  Christian tells his child abuse bedtime story to Ana, and still, still says it was all great because Mrs. Robinson gave him focus.  I don’t . . . how . . . how does she manage to be so offensive on so many levels about so many things at one time?

Moving on.  There’s a lot of blah, blah about how he saw Mrs. Robinson and she made a pass and he had a fucking epiphany and I don’t care.  Christian is scared he’ll be a shitty father.  I’m certain he’ll be a shitty father.  The next morning Ana dresses all smutty so that maybe Edward, uh, Christian will have sex with her.  And they get all touchy feely right in front of poor Mrs. Jones.  Run, Mrs. Jones, run!

If Christian starts sparkling, all bets are off. I'm trashing this book.

If Christian starts sparkling, all bets are off. I’m trashing this book.

Christian says Ros is back from Taiwan and wait a second, I’m certain he said she was fired a few chapters ago.  Nevermind, not going back to look.  They go see the new house.  Blah blah.  They go have a picnic.  Blah.  Christian gets a call on the Elmo phone and finds out, oh noos, it was Mrs. Robinson’s ex that posted bail for Jack Hyde!  Who gives a shit?  Not me!  He totally ruins the guy’s life (his face is in a hard line as he does this, btw), then it’s back to snuggie time with Ana.  Soon they’re banging each other again in the meadow and her panties “disintegrate” (where do you get this underwear?) and pages go by, by, by.  They talk about “demon seed” and in the same breath about how Ana really, really misses how Christian used to whack her around in the playroom.

Next, we’re back at the house, and Ana gets the urge to email Christian.

Last time, kitty, we swear.  RIP.

Last time, kitty, we swear. RIP.

She does the whole submissive pose, and oh hooray, we are right back to the beginning again.  My head hits the desk.  End Chapter.  Begin Epilogue.  Crap in a hat.

OMG, James actually skips a few years.  Ana is preggers again and . . . Christian is . . . just . . . this is at the top of the New York Times list.  Bestseller.  Sigh.  Christian is whapping his heavily pregnant wife with a flogger and she’s going wild.  You know – I get that some people like the pain thing. I don’t understand it, but whatever.  But, um, she’s pregnant.  I’m thinking flogging is probably not a good idea for fetuses.  Just me, of course, what the hell do I know?

Whaaaaat?

WTF???

It gets worse.  I’m starting to doubt the idea that there could be a loving force of good in this universe.  After they’re done with the “kinky fuckery” Christian asks how his fetus daughter is and Ana says, dear God, she says “She likes sex already.”

Alice right about now.

Alice right about now.

Flashback over, we are back to Ana lying in the grass and Demon Child, who she names Teddy because she hates him, is being all cute and crap.  Blah blah.  And then . . . oh geez, why, why????  Okay.  Teddy gets popsickle on his fingers so Ana puts his fingers in her mouth and sucks on them.  Just wait.  Then Christian puts his son’s fingers in his mouth and sucks on them too and just what the fuck is wrong with James?  Seriously.  There is something seriously wrong here.  Please say she doesn’t have children.

I will never be able to eat one of these again.

I will never be able to eat one of these again.

One more flashback to Ana giving birth with an emergency C-section blah blah and finally Christian sets up a train set for Demon Child and THE END.  Except NOT.  There are still pages with words on them.  First up, it’s Christian’s first Christmas with the Greys, told from the point of view of a four-year-old.  It’s as fascinating as it sounds.  Then we get two chapters of the first book from Christian’s point of view.  Just what I always wanted, to see into the mind of a total creeper.  I try to play along, keep reading, and then I get to the part where he has his people pull up a full background check on Ana and I just . . . I’m DONE.  DONE, do you hear me?  DONE!  I skip to the end, and there’s a little note from James.

“That’s all.  For now.”  Good grief.  She even ends it with a threat.  But at least it ENDS.  I’m going to have a drink.  Or ten.  Thank you for staying with me through this, however many of you actually made it.  You guys are the best, and all get As.  Meanwhile, I’m fucking retiring.

WOOOOOOOOOOOT!

WOOOOOOOOOOOT!

50 Shades Flunked Lesson 17

Ana is such a bitch.  I just thought I’d point that out going into this chapter.  Last time we ended the recap with Ana-kins finding out her dad was in an accident.  Oh, nooos!  This might be a conflict if any of us gave a damn about Ana’s dad. Including Ana.  Oh, she puts up a good show of tears, curling into a ball, sucking her thumb, and wetting her Pampers, but don’t be fooled.  She doesn’t give a crap.

Anguish!  Ana feels anguish!

Anguish! Ana feels anguish!

But before we get into the fun, the results of our Mad Libs . . . can be found in the post I put up yesterday.  I included every one.  They are awesome.  Check ’em out when you finish the recap, and check out their authors too!

Back to the Recap.  Ana finds out that her father, her “Sweet Ray” (Alice Pukes), is in the hospital.  Jose’s dad calls her, cause he and Ana’s dad are best buds.  You know, like how Bella’s Dad and Jacob’s dad were pals – not that that has anything at all to do with this totally original story. (FacePalm) Ana dumps all her work on her coworkers – for once she has a real excuse for doing so – and orders her security guy Sawyer to get her to the hospital at once!  I’m on the edge of my seat.  Yawn. (BoredNow)

Gosh, where have I seen this kind of stuff before . . .

Gosh, where have I seen this kind of stuff before . . .

She tries to call Christian and she can’t reach him for two seconds so she can’t control her anguish and curls up in the seat and sobs. (AnaFail)  But then Christipoo calls back and we get this fascinating conversation complete with “Shit!” and “Christ” and “Oh shit” and “Charlie Tango” and “Oh, baby.”   Christian has businessy things (like selling his plant and firing a lot of Americans and yadda yadda) so he can’t come right away.  Ana is sadfaced.  She’s afraid Christian might go down in the Charlie Tango on his way!  Screw Dad, her rich dickhead husband is going to fly his helicopter!  OMG! (AnaFail)

When Ana arrives, she finds out that her Dad is in the OR and says “Fuck!”  Because she’s surprised?  Jose’s dad had said they airlifted him there from another hospital.  They don’t normally do that for hangnails. (AnaFail)  Anyway, Jose and his whiny Dad are there.  Jose’s dad is in a wheelchair and sniffling because it was all his fault that that car hit them and blah blah shut up no one cares. (BoredNow)  Ana is cold with anguish, so Jose gives her his jacket and Sawyer, her security guard remember, offers to get her tea. (WTF)  What?  He brings her tea just as she likes it, and Ana is so appreciative.  She thinks “It’s not Twinnings, but some cheap nasty brand, and it tastes disgusting.”  And that’s not all.  Later she tastes the tea and thinks  “My tea is cold . . . ugh!” The horror of her life.  The horror. (Double AnaFail)

What is it with this cheap tea crap, are you MAD?

What is it with this cheap tea crap, are you MAD?

Jose holds her hand, but eh oh, in comes Christipoo!  He gives Jose a nasty look. Way to keep your priorities in check there, Christian. (RedFlag)  But now everything is so much better cause Christian has arrived!  Christian is pissy that she’s wearing Jose’s jacket, but he says nothing.  Yeah, but he shifts around in his chair and makes a stupid face, so he might as well have said something.  Dickhead. (RedFlag)

The doctor steps out and Ana notes that under other circumstances she’d find him attractive. (AnaFail) Just . . . priorities – does anyone have them?  The doctor calls her “Miss Steele” and Christian says “Mrs. Grey” you know, in case cute doctor gets any ideas. (RedFlag, AliceScreams)  Even Ana wants to kick him.  The doctor yammers something that James probably stole from an episode of Grey’s anatomy but basically Ray’s in a coma.  Jose and his dad decide to go, and Ana hugs him, all the while watching Christian. Because they have a healthy relationship and stuff.  (RedFlag) Then something really terrible happens.  I mean terrible.

Christian quotes something from “The Philadelphia Story”.  I love that movie.  And of all things, he quotes “Yar” which doesn’t even make any sense in this particular conversation.  Leave classic movies and music alone, E.L.  Stop it.  Stop it now.  Last warning. (AliceRage)

Oh, James, you silly bitch!

Oh, James, you silly bitch!

Christian tries to get Ana to eat, but like, she ate a week ago, so she says no and he pouts.  (AliceScreams) Then he tells her that they should be able to keep “redundancies” at his company to a minimum.  That’s CEO talk for “firings”.  I love this guy. (RedFlag)  They go check on Ray in the ICU.  Ana describes the room, including the ventilator, and in light of this book’s main focus, I can’t help but snicker at the “sucking, expelling, sucking, expelling” sounds.  Come on, you would too.  You know it.

A nurse arrives and you’ll never guess, she’s cute.  Her name is “Kellie” because we must know everyone’s name, and she sees Christian and damn near has a coronary.  Good thing she’s in a hospital!  I never get tired of these scenes, you guyz.   Thank God she has one every few pages. (AliceScreams)  Ana says she doesn’t mind her gaping, yet concludes that blond is probably not the nurse’s natural color.  Ana, you’re a bitch. (AnaFail)

If only it were THIS nurse.

If only it were THIS nurse.

Not much to do but watch coma guy. I’m about half surprised they don’t just shove Ray over and do it in his hospital bed, but instead they go back to the Heathman, which is the hotel where Christian first had sexy times with Ana.  After she got shitfaced drunk and he brought her back to his place. Oh, were those totally shameful events just months ago? (RedFlag) It seems like yesterday. (FacePalm)

Christian asks Ana what she needs (it’s the paragraph I had you mad lib) and she asks for a bath.  He’s worried because normally she’s so brave and strong! (WTF)  Um, no, no she’s not.  Wet ramon noodles would stand up to more than she can.  He tells her he sent Taylor to get her more underwear, cause you know that’s totally Taylor’s main security job – fetch panties for Ana. (FacePalm)  They get into the bath together, blech, and Ana asks if Christian got in the bath with Leila that time he bathed her.  If you’re just coming in, you missed so much, people.  So even Christian thinks this is a bizarre thing to bring up when your Dad is on a freaking ventilator, but he says no.  Ana goes on to ask more stuff about Leila.  Just . . . really, Ana.  Pri-or-i-ties. (AnaFail)

So that's where they went.

So that’s where they went.

They get dressed, and we get every detail of what they’re wearing.  I don’t care. It’s like she’s dressing up paperdolls here, ugh. (BoredNow)  Christian says she looks “young” (probably because she’s 21 you moron) and notes that her birthday is tomorrow!  Whoop-te-shit.  They get to the hospital, Christian notes that Jose still wants to screw Ana, and then they go to the ICU where he has a surprise for her. (RedFlag) Wait, what?  Oh, no, I do NOT want to read this I just . . . oh, it’s just his mother.  He got his mother, Dr. Hotshot, to take over Ray’s case.  I had awful images for a moment there, guys.  I mean, just think of all that medical equipment and . . . nevermind, nevermind!

She says Ray is improving, so Ana and Christian jet back to the hotel.  He tucks Ana into bed and she’s surprised that they aren’t going to make love. (FacePalm, AnaFail) Instead he asks her to think about eating tomorrow before her liver shuts down and he commands her to go to sleep again and she does.  Of course.  End chapter.

Final Score: 100 – 50 60 = -10

I have more maturity than that Ana dope.

I have more maturity than that Ana dope.

I have questions, you have answers.

I have questions, you have answers.

Question 17:

In the next chapter . . .

A. Ana’s dad dies, and Ana and Christian have sex on the casket during the funeral.

B. While Ray lies in a coma, Ana has a surprise birthday party and afterward screws her hubby.

C. For her birthday, Ana receives a tacky bracelet, a car, and a new vagina!

Twilight II: New Moon Recap Part Three

Welcome to the last, last, LAST part of Twilight: New Moon.  This one took some very strong stomachs, you guys.  We kept putting it off, but still the DVD lurked, staring at us like creeper Eddie.  The Things were in fine form, even making up songs about how much they hate Bella.  It was touching.  Anyway, we finally finished it, then danced the happy dance of happiness.  Enjoy.
Yeah, Bella, I gave up shirts for Lent.

Yeah, Bella, I gave up shirts for Lent.

Jacob throws rock at Bella’s window.  Bella looks down.

T1: For goodness sakes, put on a shirt!

Bella touches his naked abs.

T2: You’re so . . . abby.

Jacob: I have a secret I can’t tell.

T1: Like, you’re a werewolf.

Me: She’s not bright enough to figure it out.

(Bella has a dream with a wolf.  Hmmmm.)

(Bella demands to see Jacob and pushes past wheelchair guy.  Good one!  Other shirtless guys show up.)

T1: It’s the shirtless crew!

(Bella smacks one.  It turns into freaking huge lame wolf.  Bella’s like, uh, I think this might be a clue?)

(Wolves fight.)

T1: I think this might be the most action we get from this movie.

(Bella goes to see pals of Jacob.  Emily, fiancé of some random werewolf, has a scar on her face.)

T1: Let me guess, her boyfriend did it.  Okay, introductions.  This is Fluffy, this is Fuzzy . . .

We are here only for educational value.

We are here only for educational value.

(Bella goes for a walk with Jacob.)

T1: This pizza is way better than this movie.

Bella: Can’t you stop being a werewolf?

Jacob: It’s not a lifestyle choice.  I was born this way.

Me: I see what you did there, movie!

T2: Darth Vader is way cooler than these guys.  He could chop off their heads.

(Bella tries to look sad, but just looks bored.)

T1: This music isn’t making it any better.

T2: Sounds like Wii music.

(Redheaded vampire Victoria shows up.  About TIME.  Bella decides to go out into the forest.  Good one, Bella.)

All of us: Go, Victoria!

Victoria: I hate this movie.

Victoria: I hate this movie.

(Victoria runs around everywhere in slow motion.)

Me: She’s not a very good vampire.

(Bella stands on the cliff.  Edward hallucination shows up and says don’t.)

Girls: Jump, jump, jump!!!

(Bella jumps off the cliff.  I guess that saying is true.)

(Bella surfaces.)

Girls: Boooo!

(She falls back under.  She starts drowning.)

Girls: Yayyyy!

(Edward hallucination shows up.)

All of us: Eeeeeek!

(Jacob rescues Bella.)

Me: Thanks a lot, Jacob.

Bella's not dead. She's just bored.  Like us.

Bella’s not dead. She’s just bored. Like us.

Jacob: What were you thinking?

T1: Bella- Duh, I’m stupid.

T2: You’re the stupidest someone I know.

(Bella snuggles with Jacob.  I’m gonna snuggle with you even though I think you’re just a friend cause I’m a jerk!)

Bella: You’re so warm.

T2: Hot blooded, check it and seeee!

T1: He reminds me of our cousin.  Except he’s not werewolfy, and lame.

(Girls launch into song to the theme of “Wendy”.)

T2: Coming down the street, with that pathetic face, every-one knows it’s Bel-la!

T1: And all she cares about is werewollllves and vampires!

T2: And she’s pa-the-tic, everyone knows it’s Bel-la!

(Jacob starts to kiss Bella.  T2 puts her hand on the screen to block it.)

T1: You’re cheating on Edward.  Then again, who wouldn’t?

(Bella sees the Cullen’s car.  Oooh, they’re back!)

T1: It’s a trap!

T2: She’s too pathetic to know it.

(Alice is there.  Oh, hey, it’s Alice.)

Alice: You’re alive?  Why would you try to kill yourself?

Bella: Oh, no I was cliff diving.  (Yeah, like I was just funnin’)

T1: LIE.

T2: Lie, lie, lie.  Pathetic.

T2: Why don’t we turn this off and watch Star Wars?

T1: We must watch this, T2, for our fans.

T2: Only for the fans.

Alice: I had a vision – hey what is that wet dog smell?

Bella: It’s Jacob.  He’s kind of a werewolf.

Alice: Werewolves are not good company to keep.

Me: Yeah, right, you can talk.

(Jacob shows up and is all romantic.)

T1: Awww, BARF.

Alice: Let the dog out.

Me: Niiiiice.

(T2 starts squeaking a baby doll.)

T1: Stop that.  We’re trying to review a crappy movie.

T2: I’m baby cooookie!

T1: Stop ittt!  Wait, what’s going on?

Me: Nothing.

(Phone rings, interrupts Jacob and Bella’s kiss.  Jacob answers.)

“He’s not here right now, he’s planning a funeral.”

(Somewhere else, Edward hangs up.)

T1: Oh, that’s real niiiice.

Alice: He thinks you’ve done it!  He’s going to the Volturi.  He wants to kill himself too.

Bella, I had a vision of a really lame plot twist!

Bella, I had a vision of a really lame plot twist!

T1: Oh, good grief.

(T2 sets up a picnic in front of the T.V.)

T1: Here they go trying to save Edward from killing himself because he thinks she did.  Stupid.  Hey, it’s the circle of life, man.

(Edward shows up in front of Volturi – girly guy vampires.)

Volturi guy: “You have too many gifts to destroy you.”

T1: What gifts?

(Alice and Bella are driving wildly)

Alice: Oh, now he’s going to show himself.

T1: And sparkle.

Me: Alice keeps having these visions.  Why didn’t she earlier?

T1: The werewolves were blocking Alice’s view.

Me: Con-ven-ient.

(Gobs of people in Italy.  So they, like, drove to Italy?  There are tons of red cloaks around.  Bella runs to stop the sparkle.)

T1: Is this red day?

T2: It’s fifty shades of red!

(Edward starts to take off his shirt in front of the red cloaks.  His puny chest is coated in white powder stuff.)

T1: That’s disgusting.  He looks sick.

T2: Pathetically sick

T1: Prepare for the sparkles!

Sparkle time in 3, 2, 1 . . .

Sparkle time in 3, 2, 1 . . .

(Bella stops him just in time.  Darn.  Bella and Edward have romantic scene.)

T2: Another Bella panting scene.

(The Volturi guys show up.)

T1: They’re gonna kill him anyway?  Cool.

T1: Of course the leader of the vampires is a little girl.

(Edward is wearing a red robe – it looks like a girl’s robe.)

T2: Better not be a Jedi robe.

(They get in an elevator with the creepy Volturi.  We are seeing every second of this.)

T1: Awkward elevator scene.

(They reach a huge hall.)

T1: Is this the execution hall?

T2: Yes, yes, yes!

(It really does look like Edward’s wearing a dress.  This is not helping with the white paint look.)

(Volturi guy can’t read Bella’s mind.)

Hi, there.  I am Siegfried and this is Roy . . .

Hi, there. I am Siegfried and this is Roy . . .

Me: Your powers are fine, she just doesn’t have thoughts.

(Girl vampire makes Edward get all constipated and fall over.  But Bella is a speshul snowflake and is immune to all their powers.)

T2: She’s a Sith!

Volturi: She knows too much.

Both girls: Kill her, kill her, kill her!

(Big slow-mo vampire fight.)

T2: If you look closely in the background, it says stupid.

Bella: Kill me, not him!

T1: Either one will do.

T2: Kill them both.  I’m tired.

Me: End movie, endddd.

(Alice promises to turn Bella.  She has a vision of Edward and Bella frolicking.  You know, like vampires.)

This is just what I think of when I hear "vampire".

This is just what I think of when I hear “vampire”.

T1: Like, won’t her Dad notice her not aging?

(They get back home.)

Edward: I wanted to give you a chance at a normal, healthy life.

T1: And then you ruined it.

Edward: I hope you can forgive me because I can’t live without you.

Me: Yeah, not manipulative and creepy at all.

All of us: Ennnnnddddd!

(Now they are at the Cullen’s house.)

T1: All the Cullens are back.  Yayy.

(Bella has them vote to change her to a vampire.  Lots more blah blah blah.  She drives off with Edward.  Jacob blocks them in the road.)

T1: Don’t get werewolf on the tires.

(Bella all wants to be a vampire, and Jacob and Edward fight over Bella.)

Me: Bella- I want my Edward and Jacob too.

Bella: But it’s always been him, Jacob.

Me: Even though he left me and I like nearly killed myself.

T1: I’m too tired to recap anymore.  We will NEVER finish this.

Edward: I have one condition for turning you into a vampire. Marry me, Bella.

(And the movie ends right there!!!!  Cheers of joy from all around!)

T1: Sings along w/ the music from the credits: This movie suuuuucks, it has Edward – and a werewolfffff, stuuuuupidddd

T2: And pathetiiiiic!

End Part Three.  New Moon was the last movie, right?  Right????

Twilight II: New Moon Recap Part Two

We’re back with part two of this stupid movie.  My fellow reviewers, Thing One and Thing Two, have returned with promises of blog fame.  Last time we ended with Bella being dumped by Eddiekins in the middle of the forest.  Cue sad trombone.  Wah, wahhhhhh.
Nap time!

Nap time!

Me: Where were we?

T2: Jacob’s abs.

Me: Yeah, that narrows it down.

(We fast forward back to forest scene.  Naked abs carry Bella out of woods – some other shirtless guy, not Jacob.)

(We see months pass by w/ Bella sitting there, room spinning around.  October . . . November . . . December)

T1: Let’s see what Bella has accomplished.  Okay then.  Shouldn’t she be dead by now?

(Bella is screaming bloody murder in bed.)

All of us: What the???

T1: Big panic attack because Edward is gone?

T2: Stupid and pathetic.

(Poor Dad.  He tries to talk to Bella.)

T1: Obviously stuttering runs in the family.

(Bella goes to movies with “friend” and ignores her completely.)

T1: Going on in Bella’s mind now.  Nothing.

(They are walking down street, Bella remembers Edward saving her.  Suddenly Edward’s disembodied head appears warning her to run.)

Yeah, this face would totally reassure me.

Yeah, this face would totally reassure me.

All of us: Arghhhh!!!! What is THAT?

Me: Bella’s like there are creepy guys on motorcycles there.  I think I’ll approach them.

(Edward head appears: He says turn around.  Bella walks closer.  Edward speaks again.  Bella gets on motorcycle.)

T1: Stupid!  If I were her dad I’d ground her for twenty years.

(Suddenly she’s back with her friend. Wait, what, which parts did she hallucinate?)

Friend: You’re insane.  Or suicidal.

Us: Yes, yes, yes.

Friend: Or it’s a lame TV show.

T1: YES, that’s it.

Bella: If a rush of danger is what it takes to see him again, that’s what I’ll do.

Us: Yeahhhhh.

(Bella takes junk motorcycles to Jacob to fix.  Jacob picks up bike.)

Bella: Jacob you’re like buff.

T1: She just noticed this?

(Jacob’s friends come over.  One says “Oh, your girlfriend?”

(Awkkkward!  Haha.  We pause so I can write.  Thing Two starts pointing out a zit on Jacob’s forehead.)

T2: Look at his eyebrows.  Like Squirrel’s tail.

(Bella says she feels better with Jake.  Like, who wants to feel better?)

(Bella screaming in bed again.  Dad comes in and rambles.  Thing Two is playing with the flashlight.  We break for a fight over the flashlight.  We are seriously bored.)

T1: Come on, we need to finish this.

T2: Nooo.

T1: Ugh, gonna have to lay down through this.  Let’s go.

(Movie is still paused.  Thing Two points out weird things on Jacob, but calls him Edward.  I correct her.)

Me: That’s Jacob.

T1: Same difference.

(Bella sees cliff diving.  Rush.  Oh, ohhh.)

Me: Jump Bella, jump!

T2: This is Jacob (shows me picture of an Ewok)

(Jacob talks about buff guys bullying him.  Bored.)

(Jacob points out what each part of the bike is.  Bella drifts off.  Yeah, she’s never gonna remember this.)

(Edward’s head appears again.  ARghhhhhhhhh.  Bella takes off on motorcycle.  Has multiple hallucinations.  She flies off bike.)

Bella it's not safe for you to operate machinery yet.

Bella it’s not safe for you to operate machinery yet.

T1: That was not a good idea.

(She has a cut on forehead.  Hereee we go.  Jacob removes entire shirt to dab on cut. Yeahhh, subtle Jake.)

(At cafeteria.  Pathetic guy asks out Bella.  She says yes.  Bella wants to see Face Punch.)

Me: I would rather see Face Punch than this.

(Other friends don’t show so it’s Bella and Jacob and other guy.  Dumb lines and banging noises come from movie)

Me: I would still rather see this.

(Pathetic guy runs off to bathroom.  Jacob holds Bella’s hand.  He tries to pick up Bella, but of course she’s still hard up on stupid creeper Edward.)

Bella: So like I’m selfish and want you around even though I don’t want you.

T1: Ohhh, this is stupid.

(Thing Two sticks head in couch.)

T2: Nooo.  Edward, Jacob.

T1: I think Edward left her cause she depressed even him.

(Suddenly Jacob is all pissed and wants to hit pathetic guy.)

Jacob: I feel weird.

Me: Hulk, smash.

T1: Guess what?  Full Moon.  Whatever.

(Jacob won’t respond to Bella for a while.  We finally see Jacob again.)

T1: Ohh, he got a haircut.

Jacob: Bella, go away.

So you're going for the pasty white guy? Seriously?

So you’re going for the pasty white guy? Seriously?

T1: You’re ruining my life.

(Jacob yammers about vampires.)

Bella: It’s killing me that I hurt you.

T1: Ugh, really.

Bella: You can’t break up with me.

T1: You weren’t dating.

Bella: Without Jacob, I can’t stand it.

Me: Totally codependent.

(Bella sees meadow.  The pretty flowers have disappeared.)

Me: What?  The lack of sparkles killed it?
(T1 shows me a picture titled the emotions of Bella.  They are all the same.)

Black vampire shows up.

Me: Dee black Jamaaaaican vampireee.

(Edward head appears. He says:  “Lie”  “Lie better.”

(Jamaican vampire yammers about how girl vampire wants to kill Bella because Edward killed her mate.  Blah blah.  I only really know this because I was dumb enough to read the books.)

Jamaican vampire:  How much could you mean to him if he left you unprotected?  I am doing you a kindness.

See?  He's a nice guy.

See? He’s a nice guy.

T1: By ending your stupid life.

(Enormous wolf shows up.  Oh, jeez that’s lame.  One stops by her and gives her the eye.

Bella runs back home.)

Bella: They aren’t bears, they’re like huge wolves.

Dad: You’re like officially crazy, Bella.

End Part Two.  One more to go.  Help us all!