Tag Archives: twilight

Twilight II: New Moon Recap

We’re back with Twilight II: New Moon.  Fun times.  I have my fellow reviewers with me.  In case you’re just joining us, my fellow reviewers are my children: Thing One (12 yrs old) and Thing Two (8 yrs old).  They are multi-tasking – painting nails while making sarcastic comments.  I love them.
Don't touch me.  I'm not touching youuuu.  Stop it!

Don’t touch me. I’m not touching youuuu. Stop it!

(Scene selection screen – we see silly dramatic pics of Eddy’s family, then the hottie werewolves, then the Volturi vampires (the big boss guys) in Rome.  I inform the girls that they are the ones Edward going to sparkle in front of to sacrifice himself.)

T1: That’s so dumb.  No wonder they want to kill him.

T1: All the other werewolves look just like Jacob

T1: It has to be PG 13 because it’s too boring for younger kids to watch.

(Title Screen)

T2: Summit, why did you turn to the dark side of movie making?

(Bella does her intro.)

T1: Dramatic line, dramatic line.  You know there’s a lot of lessons you could learn from this.

Me: Like what?

T1: Don’t date a vampire

(Bella is in the meadow in a dream – she sees an old woman)

T2: Grandma don’t eat the flowers.

(Bella IS the old woman, OMG.  Wakes up, Dad comes in.)

Dad: How’d you get so old so fast?

Me: Hahaha, you old fart 18 year old.

(Bella goes to school)

All the kids are flirting with Bella of course)

T1: Why do they like her?

(Edward comes walking over, shirt flapping)

T1: Handsome vampire boyfrieeend woooo . . .

(Edward kisses her)

T1: He still doesn’t know how to kiss.  Hey, no PDA people

Bella: That's, like, my nose.

Bella: That’s, like, my nose.

(Jacob shows up.  Wolf poop’s gonna hit the fan.  He still looks like Pert Plus, but with muscles)

(T2 runs from the room, comes back with a Ken doll stuck upright in a pencil cup full of peppermints.)

T2: See my Jacob statue?

Jacob In A Can by Thing Two

Jacob In A Can
by Thing Two

(Jacob gives her a dreamcatcher – we pause it for a minute – it’s like he’s dangling it in front of her. Perfect.  She likes bright shiny objects.  You HAVE her Jacob)

(They go into the school.  Alice gives Bella a gift.  Bella is all annoyed)

Alice: Oooh, I saw you open it, and you love it!  Squeal!

Me: I hate her.

(In class –they’re watching Romeo and Juliet – only the Mike guy is realistic, nearly falling asleep)

T1: yeah, how many times has Edward watched this?

(Flashback to Bella getting bitten)

T1: Happy memories.

(They go to Edward’s house.  He talks about the Volturi (some femmy vampire council or something).  Volturi vampire tears off a vampire’s head – POP!)

T1: Actual vampire deaths?

(Eddie and Bella get romantic again)

T2: Oh, nooooo.  You are NOT a vampire

(Birthday Scene – ooooh boy!)

(Rosalie gives her a gift – her expression says: Here’s my gift, I hate you)

T1: Why take pictures when they can’t show up in them?

Me: You’re still thinking of real vampires.
(Bella cuts her finger on the wrapping paper– blood – papercut sends Jasper into a frenzy.  He runs for Bella.  Edward protects Bella by flinging her into a glass table that cuts her up for real.)

Gee, thanks for saving me . . .

Gee, thanks for saving me . . .

T2:  Now THIS is what I’m talking about!  Action!

(They take away Jasper.  Damn.)

(Carlisle sews up Bella.)

T2: Stop talking, and get to the action.  BOO.

Me: You’re gonna be disappointed, sweetie.

(Eddie drives her home.  Once again Bella is wounded after a night out with Eddie)

Bella: Change me.  You’re not gonna want me when I look like a grandma.

Me: Yeah, she’s not shallow. Pfft

Edward: Do you not understand my feelings for you?

Me: I don’t.

Bella: It’s my birthday.  I ask one thing.  Kiss me.

T1: He doesn’t know how to kiss.

Me: Oh, the angst, the angst!

(Bella goes to school, no Edward.  Eddie goes in her room.)

T1: Romaaaaanticccc montaaaage

Edward: Let’s take a walk in the forest.  We have to leave Forks.

Yeah, uh, gotta jet.  Don't try to kill yourself too much.

Yeah, uh, gotta jet. Don’t try to kill yourself too much.

Me: Blah blah blah

T2: Mommy, hey, look at T1’s nails!  (way more interesting than the movie)

T2: Stare, stare, stare.

Edward: This is the last time you’ll ever see me.

T1: Yeah, right, there are 3 more movies

T2 hits pause: Okay, we’re done with part one!

T1: Hey, this is gonna take us four parts, aw.

T2: I want to do fun stuff.  That’s NOT watching Edward and Bella.  They’re about to kiss anyway.

(We convince her to at least finish the forest scene. Edward leaves Bella in forest.  Dramatic music, Bella runs around and gets lost.  It’s dark.)

T2: Come on, Jacob!

(Bella falls, stays on the ground, curls in fetal position, dramatic camera swirl.)

T2: Stop sucking your thumb.

End Part One

Stay tuned tomorrow for our next snarky installment of Twilight II: New Moon.  Provided the Things come out of their rooms again.

Twilight Movie Recap Part Three:

When last we left our moronic duo, Bella was ready to introduce her Dad to her bloodsucking boyfriend.  He had cocked his gun.  Good move, Charlie.
Here, at last, is the conclusion to our Twilight movie recap, starring Thing One and Thing Two, one more time.
T2's somewhat abstract vision of the Ballet Studio scene

T2’s somewhat abstract vision of the Ballet Studio scene.
Note that they are all wearing tutus, even Edward.

Edward: Bella’s gonna play baseball with my family.

Dad: Bella’s gonna play baseball?

Me: Yup.  With vampires.

Dad: Bring the pepper spray.

All of us: Woot!

(It’s the vampire baseball scene, folks.  They show up in their stupid uniforms.)

T1: Oh you’ve got to be kidding me.

(Edward and Edmund smash into each other.)

All of us: Huggies!

(Mean vampires show up.)

T1:  Look!  Cool vampires!

(They slink over to our baseball morons.)

T1: I’m too sexyyy for my fangs.

Me: Hey, vampires come in Jamaican.

(Here comes the wind!  Bella’s hair blows again.  Vampires hiss like alley cats!  It’s like West Side story!  Look out, they’re gonna dance fight!)

Yeah, we bad, we bad . .

Yeah, we bad, we bad . .

T1: Yes.  This is like so epic.  Where are their fangs?  Are they going to gnaw each other to death?

(They talk to each other.  Blah, blah.  Scary eye war.  Then the mean vampires just . . . walk away?)

Me: Why’d they leave?

T1: They had a perfect chance!

(Edward and Bella driving wildly.)

Bella:  I  have to see my dad.

Me: And get him killed!  Excellent decision!

(Go to Dad’s house.)

(Bella is a real witch to her Dad.  Where are the mean vampires?)

T1: Come on, vampires, do it!

T1: Good one Bella – get dad killed AND hurt his feelings.

T1: Why didn’t the vampire attack her father?  How does Bella have enough blood for anybody?  She’s too pale.

(Meanwhile, back at vamp headquarters.)

Carlisle: Rosalie, we must help Bella.  She is part of this family now.

T1: Yeah she’s so special.

Me: Rosalie’s the only one who doesn’t want to risk her life for one mortal.  She’s the only smart one, but she’s the jerk.

Seriously?  I hate this family.

Seriously? I hate this family.

T1: There is an ENTIRE TOWN of people.  He goes after Bella?

(Alice has a fast forwarded vision.  Girls imitate wacky running motions.)

(They go to a hotel.  This is so exciting.)

T1:  What’s on TV?  Vampire weekly!

(James calls Bella and tries to lure her out with a recording of her mom.  Tells her not to take her vampire friends.)

Me: How stupid are ya feelin’ Bella?  It’s not like this evil vampire will lie.

(Ballet Studio where James waits.  Oh, oh, turns out it’s not her mom, it’s a home video recording of her mom talking to little Bella, who was a brat even then.)

Me: She can’t tell her mom’s real voice from a home movie?  So James went to her house, looked thru her whole home video collection, found this, found a VCR, put it in, took it to the abandoned studio, set it up, called Bella- that’s a lot of work for a meal.

(James knocks Bella across room.)

T2: Finally!

(James decides to film Bella’s butt whooping.)

This is so going on Youtube Poops.

This is so going on Youtube Poops.

T1: What, is he gonna post it on youtube?

(The Edward is here.  He and James fight and fly into mirrors.)

T1: 7 years of bad luck.  14 years of bad luck . . .

T2 runs out of the room.  Runs back in.  She’s not scared, just bored.

(Carlisle stops Edward.)

Me: Eddykins looks wacky!  But I was likin’ the punchin and stuff!

(James bit Bella.  She’s flopping around on the ground like a fish.  Carlisle tells Edward to suck the venom out of the bite.)

Me:  Why doesn’t Carlisle do it?  You know, the trained medical doctor?

(Background – they are tearing apart James and putting him in the fire)

Me: Throw another vamp leg on the fire!

(Eddy sucks on Bella’s arm like a doggie with a bone.  LOL.)

Nom, nom, nom . . .

Nom, nom, nom . . .

T1: How romantic.

(Carlisle has to force Edward to stop since he has no control.  Um, yeah, that would be why Carlisle should have done it.)

(Bella wakes up in hospital.)

Mom: You fell down two flights of stairs and through a window.

Me: Yeah, that’s impressive to do by yourself.

Bella: I want to stay in Forks!

Me: Suddenly she wants to be in Forks!  So she broke her dad’s heart for noth-ing.

Edward: You’re in here because of me.

Me: Yup, that’s true.

T1: Moral of story: Don’t date a vampire.

(Bella stutters when Edward tries to break up with her).

T2: Blup, blurp, pluck, urppp. . .

(They are being romantic.  Bella pleads for him to not leeeave her.)

T2: I’m scarrrred.

(Bella gets out of hospital with a giant cast on her leg.  Somehow she can walk without any crutches already.  Eddie and Bella leave for prom.  Dad gives a little speech to her.)

T1:  Oh, and don’t date vampires.

(Jacob shows up.  He looks like a Pert Plus commercial.)

T1: Like my new conditioner?

T2: I went to the wolf salon.

(Edward and Jacob mean stare at each other).

T1: Awk-ward

(Edward and Bella leave prom quickly.)

Oh, yeah, this totally happened at a tiny, small town school.

Oh, yeah, this totally happened at a tiny, small town school.

T1: They can’t stand people.

(They dance in the pavilion.   What?  This gorgeous prom in small town Forks?  Mine was in a smelly gym.  They have an ice sculpture.  An ice sculpture?)

(Bella begs him to make her a vampire.)

Me: Come on, doooo it, dooo it.

T2: He’s sparkling arghh!

T1 is hitting herself in the forehead over and over.

Me: End, end, end!

(Girl vampire crashes prom.  And yet does NOTHING.)

The End: Creeper stare!

We made it through.  Only . . . four more movies to go.  Crap.

Twilight Movie Recap: Part Two

Okay, we’re back for more punishment.  Hooray.  Somehow I roped the kids into joining me again. I hope I’m not damaging them for life.
When last we left our dynamic duo they were eating their exciting meal after Edward rescued stupid Bella from guys who want to kill her.  Of course, he wants to kill her, yet he’s very protective of her.  Whatever.  Here we go.

Thing One’s Twilight Interpretation. Too good not to use twice.

(Bella and Edward drive away from the restaurant.)

Bella: Your hand is so cold.

T1: Well, yeah, he’s a blood sucking demon.

(They stop at police station. Carlisle says fisher guy killed by vampires.  Charlie is sadfaced.  He’s too good an actor for this show.)

(He gives Bella mace.)

T2: Dad, this is a flashlight.

(Dramatic stare flashbacks!)

T1: That stare.  I’m gonna have nightmares.

(Bella does research in her book.  And on Google.  Ooh, excitement.  He’s strong and cold and strong and cold.  OH I GET IT!)

(At school)

T1: Bella’s still approaching him.  Shouldn’t she be running?  Oh, love the dramatic music.

(She walks away and Edward follows her.  Forest scene.)

Edward: What am I? Bella: A freak?

Edward: What am I?
Bella: A freak?

T2: Stalkiiiing Bellaaaa.

Bella: Your skin is so pale.

T1: So is yours.

(Camera spins.  We’re getting sick.)

Edward: Say it.

Me: You’re a really bad actor!

T2: You’re an orangutang!

Edward: You need to see what I look like in the sunlight.

(Oh, boy.  They fly off piggyback style.  The girls dance around like ponies.)

T2: It’s like Yoda ridin’ on Luke!

Edward sparkles: This is the skin of a killer.

The skin of a killer . . . a sparkly killer!

The skin of a killer . . . a sparkly killer!

(We laugh.  Edward leaps around like a goof.)

T2: Spark-a-lyyyy!

Edward: I’ve killed people before.

Bella: It doesn’t matter.

T1: What?  Just because he’s hot?

Edward: you’re like my own personal brand of heroin.

Me: That’s so hotttt!

(Bella gets close, like kissing close. Forced romantic crap.)

T2: Mommy, now I’m scared.

Edward: “The lion fell in love with the lamb.”

Me: Barrf.

T1: Man, you’re pathetic, Edward.

(They lie in the meadow.)

Bella, do you ever feel . . . not so fresh?

Bella, do you ever feel . . . not so fresh?

(Camera spins around them.  They want to make you sick, I guess.)

T2: Sparkle, sparkle, sparkle!

T1: Why didn’t they see him sparkle, like earlier, in the class?

T2: He wasn’t in the sunlight.

T1: But there was sunlight!  Oh, whatever.  Vampires sparkle?

Bella: I’m in love with Edward.

Girls and me: What?

(Edward and Bella walk in to school together – everyone stares.  We be so cooool.)

T1: So – what you’re only in love with him since you found out he was a blood-sucking vampire?

(Edward makes creepy talk.)

T1: Uh, like, stop talkin’ bout my blood that way.

Me: Edward talks like he’s about to barfffff.  All the time.

T1: Does vampire vomit look like blood?

Me: I bet it sparkles.

T2: Like Edward!

T1: Shouldn’t she be worried her father wouldn’t approve of a blood sucker that would kill her?

(Jacob shows up.  Edward beats cheeks. Dad brings Jacob’s dad up the stairs in wheelchair.  Bumpbumpbumpbumpbump.  Dude, get a ramp.)

T1: So like a typical date for them is lying around staring?

(Edward takes Bella to meet the family.)

T1: They’re so quiet I have to turn the volume up to 40.  Ugh.

(Eddie’s family cooks a meal.  They talk about how stuff might end badly.)

Hey, no putting my girlfriend on the menu!

Hey, no putting my girlfriend on the menu!

Bella: Badly as in I would become the meal.

Me: Awwwkward.

(Jasper looks like he left his hanger in his shirt.  Edward shows all the grad hats.)

Me: You have eternal life and you choose to spend it in public school?

Edward: I don’t sleep ever.

Me: Nah, I just watch you.  Edward you are so cold – could I freeze ice cream on you?

(They dance.)

T1: Just drink her blood already will you?

Bella: I’m not scared of you.

(He flies out the window with her.)

T1: You could tell they were on a cable. Piggyback rides!  Terrible effects.

(They climb like Spiderman!  Hang in a tree.)

T2: See he IS an orangutang.

(Edward plays dramatic piano.)

T1: This is just a rip off.

Me: Of what?

T1: I don’t know.  Like a piano in a music video.

Wait . . . they actually wrote notes for this thing . . . of course they did.

Wait . . . they actually wrote notes for this thing . . . of course they did.

(At school)

Mike: I don’t get it.  He looks at you like you’re something to eat.

(Girls and I laugh)

(Dad talks to Bella.  Kid  shaking butt in background.  What?)

Dad: You should be around people.

Me: Yeah, Bella doesn’t like people.

(Bella talking to mom in her bedroom.)

Mom: Is he a jock?

(Edward appears.)

T1: No, MOM, he’s a stalker!

(Edward tries to kiss her.)

Edward: I’m going to try something.

T1: You don’t know how kissing works?

T1: Ew is he kissing her nose?  This is the slowest kiss ever.

T2: Oh, no, they’re doing it again.

(Kids freak out and try to hide in the couch.)

(Edward lays there and watches Bella sleep.)

Me: Hey, Eddie, mark on her face.

T2: Draw a peanut on her forehead.

(Bella prepares to introduce Dad to Edward.  Dad cocks gun.)

Me: I like the Dad.

End Part Two.  Stay tuned for more non-action and expert commentary from children and one immature adult!

Twilight Movie Recap: Part One

I was bored, which is always a dangerous sign.  I noticed that Speaker had reviewed the latest (and it had better be the last) Twilight movie.  Without actually watching it.  So I thought, hey, I’ll watch them ALL and see if they’re any different than her predictions.  Yes, 50 Shades has destroyed my mind.
My children decided to help me, and I do believe their commentary is better than mine.  I recorded it all – and I swear this stuff came out of their mouths.  All they knew of this series was the little bits I’d told them about it.  I identify them by the monikers Thing One or T1 (12 years old) and Thing Two or T2 (8 years old)   Yeah, they’re young, but they had mature parental guidance.  Snort.  (They are not seeing that last movie.  I’m not sure if I can.) Anyway, here we go.

I love you so much I could eat you! Nom, nom, nom.

(Producer Summit Entertainment screen comes up.)

T1: How dare you support these movies, Summit?

(Scene selection screen – Edward bounces around Bella.  Both kids scream.)

T2: Twilight – farting dawwwwn!

(Deer in forest gets chased by something.)

T1: Nooooo, Jacob, don’t eat the deer!  Runnnn!

(Bella whines her intro) (She and Charlie drive across bridge)

T2: Break, bridge, break!

(Bella walks in her room.  There is a picture of a wolf on the wall.)

T2: Oooh, it’s a wolf.   (Even they get forced foreshadowing)

(Jacob introduced.)

T1: He’s wearin’ a wig, you can tell.  “I’m not a werewolf, I’m not a werewolf!”

Nope, totally not a werewolf.

Nope, totally not a werewolf.

(Dad gives her pickup.)

T1: Perfect for Bella to drive into a tree!

(Bella drives to school.   Other students stare at her.)

T1: Like, who is that really pale girl?  Bella: “I’m so dramatic.  I haven’t smiled in 15 years.”

(First admirer sees Bella and acts like a twit.  Bella just stumbles around dazed.)

(Cut to Bella playing volleyball.)

Girls chant: Hit her in the head, hit her in the head – yayyy!

(Lunch time – Bella is introduced to other students at the lunch table.)

T1: Oh, are you kidding me?  Everyone already loves her.

(Vampires enter.)

Bella: Who are they?

T1: The cheerleaders.

Forks High Cheerleaders

Forks High Cheerleaders

(Jasper looks like he’s gonna puke.  Oh, goodie, it’s the Edward.)

T1: Why do they think he’s gorgeous?  He’s so pale.  Blech.  Enough stinkin’ dramatic music.

(Bella enters science class and walks by the fan.  Hair blows dramatically.  We all laugh.)

(Lab partner Edward covers mouth.  Looks like he’s about to hurl.)

T1: Hey, I’m not a vampire, I won’t bite you.

(That stare, oh LOL.  I’d forgotten how ridiculous it was.)

T1: He has that ability to make people depressed by looking at them.

I'm so happy and in love.

I’m so happy and in love.

(Bella talking to Mom on phone.)

Mom: Oh, Bella I miss you too.

T1: No she doesn’t.

(Holy crap, Bella’s remembering Edward and then BAM, the Edward creeper stare out of nowhere!  We all scream again.  And laugh.)

(Bella is soooo sad at school the next few days.  No Edward!  “Sure everyone else in the school loves me, but waaaah.”)

(Vampires attack workmen.)

T1: Love the smell of workman blood in the mornin’.

T2: Call Buffy!

(Bella goes to school.  Two boys flirt with her.  First boy: “Hey, I’m still a loser here.”)

(Edward’s back in lab.  Stutter, stutter, stutter conversation. )

Like, you have girl cooties, Bella . . .

Like, you have girl cooties, Bella . . .

Edward: “I was out of town, personal reasons.”

T1: Yeah, I was killing people.

T1: You can tell Edward has the IQ of a peanut.

T1: Shouldn’t they be, like, doing their work?

T1: Half of this movie is staring.

(They walk down the hall together.  For God’s sake, Bella can’t get a sentence out.  She notices his eye color has changed.  She’s known him two days.  I don’t know my husband’s eye color.  We’ve been married 13 years.)

(Truck scene – Tyler’s van nearly hits Bella.  Edward stops van with his face.  Everyone sees, but no one notices Edward or the Edward shaped dent in the car.)

I think I'd take my chances with the car over creeper there . . .

I think I’d take my chances with the car over creeper there . . .

At doctor’s. Carlisle walks in.

T1: Nooo, he wants blood donations ahhhh!

(Vampires talk about Bella.  Bella peeks around corner.  “Hiii.”)

(Edward: No, you silly girl, I wasn’t across the parking lot”  Okay, fine, but how did you push the van away with your face?)

(Bella sleeping.  Wakes up, Edward standing there.  T1 screams.)

T1: Is there a stalker in the house?

(Bella has dramatic flashbacks.)

T1: You’ve only known him for like a day.  What?

(Mike begs her for a prom date.  Bella stammers – she’s too busy staring at dorkface.  They go on a field trip.)

Teacher: Have a steaming cup of compost tea.

Girls: Ewwwww

Edward: We can’t be friends.

T1: It’s all stare, stare, stare, uh, uh, uh.

(Lunch: Edward catches the apple – oooh, it’s like the book cover.)

Just like the book cover!

Just like the book cover!

Edward: if you were smart, you’d not hang around me (so I’m going to keep hanging around you.)

Bella: Maybe I’m not smart.  (I’ll go for that one.)

Bella: Why don’t we hang out?

T1: Worst decision ever.

(La Push beach.  Bella milks Jacob for info.)

T1: I’m a werewolf.  Wait, no!

Jacob: We’re like descended from wolves.  (Explains treaty with Cold Ones.)

T1: Okay this is lame.

Jacob: It’s just a story.

T1: Yeah, like it’s not like they’re vampires.

(Vampires show up and attack  fisherman guy.)

T1: Duck and cover!

(Bella Google searches.)

Hot googling action.

Hot Googling Action

At some point, T2 got bored and started coloring.  Don’t blame her.

(Bella asks to go with girls to Port Angelus not for friendship but to find out about Edward.  Twit.  She’s all alone, walking down dark alley.  Stalkers.  Hey, everybody loves Bella!   Edward drives the Bat Volvo up – okay the rapists are smart enough to be scared, but not Bella.  Edward escapes with Bella.)

T1: Talk about bad driving.

(Bella eats w/ Edward.)

Bella: Did you follow me?

T1: Duh, I’m a stalker.

End Part One.  Stay tuned.  I’m not sure if I’ll lose my fellow reviewers or not.  They’re saner than I am.

50SoG Recap #6: Emails to James

I have decided to preface the latest recap with an urgent appeal to Stephenie Meyer, writer of Twilight.

Dear Stephenie,

I want to apologize for saying your books are the most sucktastic books in the history of ever and for calling you a hack writer that can’t even spell her first name correctly.  That was mean.  I am truly sorry.  For karma hath reared her ugly head, and hath brought from her fiery bosom Fifty Shades of Grey.   In comparison, you are a fabulous writer, and your books are so awesome.  I only have one request, and if you will just honor it I will never say bad stuff about Twilight again; in fact I will recommend it be nominated for a Pulitzer Prize.  I want you to face off with E.L. James who has clearly stolen some of your material and somehow managed to both make it worse and make money off of it.  You don’t have to sue her, although that would be cool.  Just go to the media and start a shit storm about her and I will be ever so happy.  Truly, that might make not just my day, but my entire life.  I will never ask for anything ever, ever again so help me Edward.

Thanks,

Your Greatest Fan.

Okay.  With that out of the way, we go back to our regularly scheduled snark already in progress.  Chapter 11 brings us The Contract.  All of it.  Even three appendixes.  I think she copied this off the internet somewhere.  She even includes the bits that we read in the last chapter.  It’s a big long mess of psychotic slavery legalese.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen the terms warranty and buttplug in the same document before, but there’s a first time for everything.  The only part of the contract we don’t see is the part where he tells her what she can and can’t eat, because Ana just can’t go there, you know.

Ana gets her Macbook (product placement presents!) from Christian.  She reveals that she does not have an e-mail address.  Just – I don’t – she’s a college student – how . . . nevermind.  Well, Ana gets an email address; and readers, James just abuses the hell out of it.  This chapter, and chapter 12, are filled with emails back and forth between Ana and Christian.  It’s such an awesome plot device, that I think I’ll write some emails to E.L. James.

From: Christian Grey

To: EL James

Subject: WTF

Ms James, thank you for creating me in all my godliness, but did you have to make me such a fuckwad?

-Christian Grey, Master of the Universe

 

From: EL James

To: Christian Grey

Subject: You are Dreamy

Christian, I love you can I please have your babies?

E.L. “kiss kiss” James

 

From: Anastasia Steel

To: EL James

Subject: Help!

 If I am your self-insert, then why did you make me so stupid?  Are you going to kill me?   Because so far my story is reading like a Lifetime movie.

Ana Bobana Steel

 

From: EL James

To: Ana

Subject: Listen to your inner goddess

I gave you three voices for advice, what more do you want?

EL “The Great” James

 

From: Alice

To: EL James

I hate you.  Stop writing immediately.

Aliceatwonderland

 

As I said, there are a lot of idiotic fifth grade level emails back and forth as Ana and Christian negotiate the sex slave contract and Ana chuckles at “playful Christian”.  Then, in a rare burst of intelligence that probably burns out a few synapses, she writes an email that she has seen enough and “it was nice knowing you.”  And then she agonizes because he does not send an email back oh noos is he angry?  Turns out, yes, cause HE SHOWS UP AT HER APARTMENT AND THIS IS NOT AT ALL INAPPROPRIATE. 

Christian sexes her up and then she’s all puddy like and he leaves satisfied that he has screwed her into submission once again.  Kate comes to check on her after he leaves, and Ana is in tears, because some part of her, deep down in that tiny unused part of her brain, knows that Christian is a freaked out maniac.  But she ignores that part, and goes back to sending Christian email questions about the contract.  He writes back in all “shouty” caps and intimidates her from a distance.  She falls into a “troubled” sleep.

“He emailed me.  I’m like a small, giddy child.  And all the contract angst fades.” (Ch11 p155)

How is this girl not on a milk carton already?

Books You Wouldn’t Read At School – at least, God, I hope not

I picked on some of the “Classics” of literature last time.  (I wonder how a book gets to be a classic.  Does it have to rate a certain level on the depression scale to be considered?  There are very few happy classic books.)  Anyway, now I move on to some of the more popular – for some reason – books that people are reading or have read.  Many of them have even been made into movies.  Then again, so have many comic books, so take that as you will.

 The Twilight Series:

representation of Twilight by my daughter who is too smart to read these books

Oh, Twilight, how can I rate thee?  Surely not as well as many others already have.  Just look at the blog roll to see some of the excellent blogs trashing this book like it rightly deserves.  I do have one complaint – these people, as far as know, were not around when the series first came out, so I suffered alone.  No one should suffer these books alone!  There should be some sort of AA group for the victims of bad books.  Anyway, be sure to check out these people – they are awesome.

http://dazzlemethis.wordpress.com/

http://speaker7.wordpress.com

http://markreads.net/reviews/category/past-books/twilight/

http://www.anamardoll.com/2011/02/twilight-twilight-deconstruction-index.html

And these are just the ones I’ve discovered so far in my ongoing quest to keep from doing productive work!  I’m getting off track again.  In case you are one of the six people who haven’t heard of or read this book, here is my summary of all four books in play form for dramatic effect.

TWILIGHT

Bella: Edward you are so hot

Edward: Yes but I am a vampire.  Stay away and get in my Volvo.

Bella: Edward you are so hot.  I want to be a vampire too.

Edward: No way.  Your blood smells yummy.

Bella: Let us lay in this meadow and stare at each other.

Edward: Watch me sparkle and dazzle!

Bella: Your family is totally cool. I want to be a vampire too.

Edward: No you don’t.  We are all beautiful and sparkly and live forever and rainbows shoot out our butts.  Why would anyone want that?

Bella: My life is awful.  My Dad cares and everyone in school wants to be my friend.  Please make me a vampire.

Edward: Let’s play baseball.  Oh, no, there is another vampire that wants to kill you.

Bella: What, a plot?  I will throw myself into danger for no real reason.

Edward: I will rescue you and blame your injuries on falling down the stairs.  Wanna go to prom?

Bella: No but I will because you are hot.  Make me into a vampire.

Edward: No – we have three more books to go.

Reader: Cries

NEW MOON

Bella: Yay it’s my birthday but paper cut and my boyfriend left me and my life is over.

Jacob: I am another super hot guy who is crazy about you for no known reason.

Bella: Cool.  Help me attempt suicide cause it makes me have hallucinations of my boyfriend Edward who is better than you.

Jacob: Okay. Jump off a cliff.

Bella: Wow I almost died but Jacob rescued me.

Jacob: I am a hot werewolf and I love you.

Bella: Oh no Edward heard I was dead and is going to kill himself by sparkling

Jacob: Lol, what?

Bella: I must go to Italy and stop him.  Whew he is alive but these other vampires want me to become a vampire.  Edward, turn me into a vampire.

Edward: No.  It would take away your soul. Never.  Unless you marry me.

Bella: Ew, that’s like a real commitment, yuck. Unlike eternal life.

Jacob: Hey, I’m still here guys.

Edward: Stay away from my girlfriend.

Bella: Oh, nooos, two hot guys are fighting over me!

Reader: This can’t get worse.

ECLIPSE

Edward: I want to protect you so no more seeing your friend Jacob

Bella: Hey where is my car battery?

Edward: I took it cause I love you.  There is a vampire chick out to kill you.

Bella: Make me into a vampire.

Edward: Not till you marry meeee.

Bella: Vampire chick is killing lots of people.  Lots of werewolves are mad and want to attack vampires.  I am full of angst.

Edward: Let’s be friends with werewolves after all and kill vampire chick.  Done.

Jacob: I still love you so I’m gonna force you to kiss my furry self.

Bella: Oh, another sign of abuse.  I love you and Edward!  How will I choose?

Edward: It says in the book you choose me.  Let’s get married.

Bella: Okay, I will send an invite to Jacob.  Won’t that be nice?

Reader: It got worse.  Wait – there’s still one more book?  Why????

BREAKING DAWN 

Bella: Yay, a wedding!  I am pretty and married to Edward.  Soon I will give up my soul.

Edward: Let’s honeymoon on my island.  Oops I almost broke you.  My bad.

Bella: That’s okay.  Oh, look, I’m preggers with a demon baby!

Edward: Let’s kill it.

Bella: No ways I luv my baby!  Oh, no, baby broke me.  I will puke blood.

Edward: Gross.  I guess I have to make you a vampire now.

Bella: Yay, I am a vampire and sparkly and perfect and wonderful and demon baby is oh so cute.  I will call her Reneesme.

Jacob: That’s an awful name.  I will totally marry her one day.

Bella: Ew, quit making googly eyes at my baby!

Edward: Other vampires are going to kill our demon baby.  We might have actual action.

Bella: No we won’t.  Cause I will make a shield and protect everybody because I am a special snowflake.  Mean vampires go away.  Yay, together forever and happy!

Reader: Throws book across room.

YOU SUCK: HELPFUL ADVICE FOR WRITERS

Note: This blog done with my own copyrighted illustrations!  Noooo one copy now!

            Last week I took a writing class, hoping to learn the secrets of the publishing world.  What do editors, publishers, and agents think about writers?  I can save you some time and sum it up fairly quickly.  They think you suck.
Close enough.
                Oh, don’t get me wrong, they like good writers.  The problem is that good writers are few and far between.   There might be one John Grisham in the midst of thousands of writers so bad that they should be beaten with their own laptops.   These people’s books are always quickly tossed aside by professional editors so that we are only left with exceptionally well-written books, like Twilight.
                I guess it’s hard to blame editors.  Anyone who has been a teacher, or even proof-read a paper for an exceptionally dense friend can attest to how much fun it is to edit.  I can imagine after going through the eight hundredth clichéd story (example: The age old story of a vampire and his dog) just about anyone could get jaded.
                Never fear, there are books to help you prevent bad writing!  And they have many useful tips for staying out of the “slush” pile, or at least not having your manuscript set on fire by vengeful, overworked editing assistants.
 
Tip One:  You really, really should carefully limit the extensive number of descriptive adverbs and adjectives.  Really.  Relentlessly using copious amounts of annoying adverbs and adjectives makes those silly old editors very, very angry. 
Tip Two:  Avoid printing your manuscript on “Hello Kitty” stationary.  Be professional.  Use only high grade electric blue cardstock.  You’re sure to be noticed!
Don’t use this stationary
 no matter how cute it is.
Tip Three: Sphell cheque yer werk butt donnt wirree a bout punktuasion an gooder grammer tat r onli fur sissies bee origanal k thanx bai.
Tip Four: Mention that you and Stephen King are best buddies.
Tip Five: Make up an interesting pen name.  No one wants to read a book by Sigmund Spelunker.  Try something catchy like Steel Gear, or Victoria Bloomingdale, or J.K. Rowling.
Tip Six:  Do your research.  Be sure and send your manuscript to the right publisher.  For instance, a romance should not go to a Science Fiction publisher, unless it’s about a romance between Predator and Captain Kirk. 
Example of Children’s Book Cover
Tip Seven: You can’t use “Predator” and “Captain Kirk” – that’s a copyright no-no.  Change up the names a little.  Pre’dator and Lt. Kirk ought to do it.
Tip Eight:   If they are looking for a children’s book, no need for a rewrite.  Just pen the tale of Lt. Kirk and his pal Pre’dator in crayon.  This will make you look “whimsical”. 
Tip Nine: Your story must quickly grab the reader’s attention.  Try something like this in your proposal: “Lt. Kirk decided that if he didn’t get published this time, he was to going to introduce his double-bladed axe to the editor and his family who live at 4098 Palm Street in San Diego, California.”
Tip Ten:  Once the editor has issued a restraining order against you, soften him up with bribery.  Send your manuscript with a batch of special home-grown brownies.  I’m pretty sure this is how that “50 Shades” book got published.
 
Well, that’s all the tips I have for today.  Before you start, remember that most people are never, ever published no matter how awesome they are, and you aren’t even close to awesome so what chance do you have?  Good luck!
 
Copywrited by ME