My friends Twindaddy and Merbear and I often have Facebook conversations in the morning because we are productive that way. These conversations tend to go off on tangents. I thought I’d give a brief rundown of our topics so you can know how insane we all are.
Topic One: Racist Bread
This all started with the innocent mention of a sandwich on white bread and devolved from there. News flash: Wonderbread is Aryan. Rye, Wheat, Italian, French, Potato – no bread was safe from our discussion.
Topic Two: Holy Roller Movies
“God is Not Dead” is in theaters, but surprisingly does not star Kirk Cameron, who used to be cute and in Tiger Beat but is now a pscyho fundamentalist who talks about bananas. Kevin Sorbo, who played Hercules, DOES star in the movie, as a professor. The professor in Gilligan’s island was kind of cute, but Gilligan was not. Twindaddy disappeared during this conversation so we wondered if we smelled which led to . . .
Topic Three: Deodorant
We discussed our brands of Deodorant, (I wear Lady Mitchum but Merbear is all Secret about hers) and I found this charming retro ad.
And we wondered why men were not so concerned about underarm b.o, and twindaddy said he was concerned, so I found this other ad.
We’ve decided that Twindaddy should use this stuff. Women will think he’s concealing 7-up under his pits and go wild.
Topic Four: Alice needs a post
And I had this bright idea! Don’t like it? Well, smell me.
In case you guys have been way out to lunch or something, yesterday was a major event. As in, a blog war. In which I was the victor over Twindaddy, as declared by El Guapo in his post today. Also by me, by counting only the comments in my favor. The question was:
ARE FLASHING, ANIMATED, SEIZURE-ENDUCING GIFS COOL OR JUST AWFUL?
I voted for “just awful”, while TD voted for “cool” because he has no idea what cool is, not being Alice. And all my buds down in the Wonderhood agreed, and so my gang went after his gang which was interesting since some of my gang members are sort of in his gang too, so it got a little mixed up. But still, I am the champion, thanks to all of you, my peeps. And to the losers I say:
Or to make this a little more clear to my buddy TD:
“They’re out to get you, better leave while you can
Don’t wanna be a boy, you wanna be a man
You wanna stay alive, better do what you can
So beat it, just beat it.”
P.S. Be sure to vote in El Guapo’s poll for best new reality TV show. He has some interesting ideas.
Dear Blunt Life Coach,
I have some bad news. I think it’s over between us. Yes, you are ever so hot in that storm trooper armor. And I do love how you are, well, blunt with people. Sometimes they need that. Especially stupid people.
But here’s the thing. Not everyone is stupid! Also, it seems like there should be some way to be assertive, but not mean. Cause while I might be a little on the mad side, Blunt Life Coach, you’re just – well you’re just mean. You’re mean to a good friend of mine especially, twindaddy.
Twindaddy is a good guy. He loves his kids. And that’s cool, not wimpy. He cares about people, especially his friends. That’s not a weakness as you say. It’s a strength. The truth is, Blunt Life Coach, you are a bully. Forgive me while I quote Taylor Swift. It’s from her song “Mean” not “We’re never, ever getting back together” though that one applies too.
I bet you got pushed around
Somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now
Cause you don’t know, what you don’t know
What don’t you know? You don’t know that twindaddy grows stronger with the Force. He’s not going to listen to you so much anymore. Oh, you’ll still be there, in the background, snapping at him, putting him down. But he knows better now. And I think he’s strong enough to keep you at bay.
We all have one of you in our heads. That voice that says we’re not good enough, that we’re stupid, that we should just give up. Maybe that voice sounds like a parent, or an ex, or some kid on the playground back in school, or a cat whose body keeps disappearing (I will GET you, Cheshire Cat!) Whoever it sounds like, we can’t let it bring us down. We can’t let it become our voice, so that we put down everyone else. There must be, well, balance to our Force.
So that’s a lot to say, well, we are over. And never, ever gettin’ back togetherrrrr! Stick that song in your head, dear twindaddy, and I’m sure Blunt Life Coach will be heading for the hills. If not, I have another solution. You see, there is a new love in my life. I think you know him.
HK-47 is an awesome boyfriend. I can program him to be my boyfriend, you know. Best of all, he comes with some pretty cool programming of his own. He kills annoying people. I’m thinking, since he’s in a video game, that means he can kill virtual people quite easily. Like you, Blunt Life Coach. So here’s the deal. Leave twindaddy alone, or I’m sending him after you.
See ya, you meanie,
Or something. I just got a new bling from twindaddy. It’s pretty sweet. I’ll display it right this second or I’ll forget because senility.
There are fireworks and crap, which is just like when WordPress did that end of the year thing with fireworks, only it doesn’t display my most used
safeword search word. You know I typed that sentence twice with the same Freudian slip. Huh.
Anyhoo, there are more rules, and as the classic rebel without a point, I’m going to rebel and screw them all up. Again. So let’s see, rules, rules, rules. He says:
Display the Logo
Well no kidding. Look, there it is up there. Don’t look in my bling closet because I haven’t added it yet. It’s kind of a mess and if I open it crap comes pouring out and it’s bad for my allergies. Okay, what else is there?
Finish this sentence “a great reader is ___.”
You know you’re asking for it, right? Let’s see, I could go with what Thing Two did at age five when her Bible class teacher asked her to fill in what her very favorite thing was. She said “My very favorite thing . . . is me!” But no, I’ll give it a little more thought. A great reader is someone who reads my crap. Even if they’re dragon tales creepers. Or spambots. Remember, spambots always take the time to leave comments, even if they are unintelligible and trying to sell you pills that really do work come see me now!
Oh, wait, there’s more. Nominate – 14 people? WTF, 14? Do I have 14 readers? According to my stats I’ve got lots. Huh. Okay, so here goes! I’m going to nominate those who, in my opinion, are least appreciated around here. Here we go:
Lista de email: You, lista, never fail to visit. Your email lists are the bomb. Take this award.
Pure Green Coffee Extract: I’m so glad you share my love of green coffee. Do you hang out at the Cantina too? Not only that, you offers weight loss pills for men for women. Awesome. Here you go.
Katherine is super awesome. She offers PHD scholarships which I didn’t even realize was a thing until now. She had an interesting comment too:
“I would prefer dragons from trolls. Dragons are much cute, cuddly and enchanting compared to trolls that drool. Plus, toddlers would enjoy watching dragons in different colors while soaring into the air. Not that I hated trolls, I just don’t like their appearance and mostly they are villains in children’s stories. I would like to hear more of it soon.”
No problem, Kat. I too love different colored toddlers who fly in the air more than I do drooling trolls.
mysocialday thinks I’m swell and tells me so with backhanded compliments. Like “I can’t believe you aren’t more popular given that you most certainly have the gift.” The gift of what, I’m not sure, but hey thanks. Take this award.
acnecyst has overcome so much in life. Like acne cysts. Those sound unpleasant. If you go see him, I’m sure he’ll have some cream for you. Thanks so much, man. Here’s an award.
Hahaha I am only kidding here, guys, I have a lot of honest to goodness real readers here, too many to write down because if I do I might leave someone out and then that person might come after my blog after first finding all the dragon tales readers and teaming up and then I would be an absolute goner so you see this is mostly just a way of protecting myself and loving everybody equally so help me Amen.
And thank you twindaddy, for being awesome, as usual.