Freshly Picked!
Some posts take me a while to write. Well, actually it takes me longer for me to find idiot pictures to stick in the middle of my word walls than it does to write the post, but whatever. And then there are posts I throw up in minutes. These are the posts that get lots of response. Naturally. So when I wrote about boogers, (Link Drop!) it should come as no surprise that people liked it. So I figured – that’s what this blog needs. More boogers.
I also felt that my booger post, being so intellectually stimulating, should be submitted to Freshly Pressed. So I submitted it myself by tweeting it on Twitter.
The computer cut off the @freshlypressed part. But I totes did it.
Someone had to do it. Just like when I was playing Goldfish’s madlibs contest and I voted for myself. But I did like some other entries too so I went to another computer and voted for someone else. As it turns out, voter fraud pays off because I won third place! Woot! Check out my badge.
Who says cheaters never win . . . third place?
Anyway, sadly I did not receive a response from Freshly Pressed. This made me sadfaced. Clearly booger posts are underrepresented by Freshly Pressed editors. They need to get on the ball with that. But until they do, I have come up with a solution. Yet another badge of my own. This would have been perfect if I had remembered St. Patrick’s Day was Monday and posted it then, because the badge is all green and lucky. Here it is.
Take that, Freshly Pressed!
I know, the craftsmanship on this baby is awesome. I would have used one of my personal boogers, but it wouldn’t scan very well, so I just made a drawing of its likeness. Cool, huh? Anyway, I’m storing this baby away with my Creeper and Douchecanoe Awards, just in case I find a thoroughly stupid and repulsive, I mean fascinating and intellectual post to give it to some day. Just wait! It might be you!
How do you get picked? Easy, just pick something to write about that’s fun and bouncy, and just a little bit salty. Don’t be shy, just let it all hang out. Or just write about boogers. Or something else disgusting. And then – woot – you can have this baby bestowed upon you. I know. Who could ask for anything more? Except possibly a Kleenex?
Do you guys have any posts worthy of a Freshly Picked nod? If so, send them to me, Alice, at aliceisatwonderland@hotmail.com. Or just link to it in the comments. Or forget all about it. You’ll be glad you did.
Blogging with Sparky!
Today I’d like to introduce you guys to Sparky. Say “Hello,” Sparky.
Yo, Homies, what be happenin’ down in de hood? Word!
Thank you. Now Sparky is a blogger who is way more famous than you are. He’s so famous, in fact, that no one has ever heard of him. But now he’s come out of hiding and has lots of tips for people just starting out. Take it away, Sparky.
Link Drop!
If you wanna get read, you gotta let people see what you’ve written. So be sure to put at least three links back to your own stuff in every post you write. Here’s one Alice wrote, for example. Also, you can link to other bloggers, but only really famous bloggers like the Bloggess. “Yo, Bloggess, Wazzup?” is something I often say while we are hanging out.
Leave Comments!
You gotta leave a bunch of comments on the posts of other bloggers if you want comments on yours. Don’t bother reading their posts, you don’t have that kind of time. Just say it was great, and then just happen to slip in a link back to one of your posts. This works especially well on blogs like, oh I don’t know, the Bloggess. Don’t worry if the link has nothing to do with the post. You didn’t read it anyway, right? How could they expect you to know? Here’s an example:
Cool post! Oh hey I wrote http://www.sparkywonderblogger.wordpress.com/coffeeenemas. Whoops, where’d that link come from?
Worship certain bloggers.
Everyone’s gotta have a hero, right? Be sure and let your bloggy hero know how much he or she is appreciated. Leave multiple novel length comments on every one of their posts praising them as the god or goddess they are. Write hundreds of posts dedicated to said blogger. Try to friend the blogger on Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus, Tumblr, etc. Find out where he lives. Send her long descriptive emails, or at least an e-card, several times a day. You won’t fail to make a great impression on them. You’ll be besties in no time!
Send out lots of those chainmail awards.
Who doesn’t like bling? Especially bling that comes with a lot of freaking work involved! Be sure and send a LOT of these awards out. It doesn’t matter if someone actually gave you the award to begin with. Just rip one off of someone else’s blog. It’s called copy / paste. Then send it to dozens of your blog pals, along with a list of demands. They must answer all the questions, and ask new questions, do the hokey pokey, and then link to a dozen other bloggers like the best pyramid scheme ever. If you’re super creative, you can make up your own award. Like this one Alice made up.
I’ve been awarded this one several times! Go figure, huh?
Inflate your blog.
So you have 2 followers, and one is you, and the other is your dog. No problems. Just get on Facebook and Twitter and randomly friend as many people as possible. It counts in the stats! Then display your follower number for all to see. You might also want a few dozen awards displayed in your side bar. An impressive one is that blue “Freshly Pressed” symbol. Haven’t been pressed yet? No problems. Remember the old copy / paste. Bam, you are an instant success. People will be begging to follow you now.
Declare yourself Ruler of the Blogosphere.
Now that you know what to do, you have to act like you are the best blogger ever. Be as conceited as possible. Form admiration societies for yourself. Remember, your poops are like freshly pressed cinnamon rolls.
Okay, well, that’s all Sparky has for today. What do you think of his tips? Have you tried them? Any questions for Sparky, the wonder blogger?
Presents of Spam from E.L. James
So I was obsessing thinking about E.L. James again, and wondering what else she was up to these days. Then I read Miss Four Eyes’ blog post about spam and decided to check my own folder. As it turns out, James is spamming my blog. Though she used sneaky pseudonyms, I’m pretty sure it’s her. Who else has such a way with words? Observe.
Lookie! The computer barfed up some email!
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It’s true, I do write about stuff. I’m sure I’ll post more stuff like these really soon. Thanks.
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I always love to hear about people seeking forward to reading. But I’m not sure I should operate, as I don’t have one of those degree thingys.
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I’m thinking this is in another language. Like possibly Klingon. I did recognize a couple words in there. Like direct. I wonder what she’s trying to sell me.
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Who knew James was a poet?
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I’m beginning to think James doesn’t really read my blog.
Well, that’s all for now. It was so nice of James to leave me all those comments, when I haven’t left her one! I did see that I could bother follow her on Twitter. I’m sure she has much interesting light in which we can observe the reality. I am seeking forward to hearing from her soon.
aliceatwonderland 