We’re baaack!

Wowsers. Recalling an episode of Game of Thrones is about as easy as recalling an episode of Days of Our Lives. Come to think of it, there are actually quite a few similarities. I mean, you have all these family lines to keep track of, and who hates who, and who slept with who, and who killed who, yadda yadda. Also, we can’t forget good old Satan, who starred in both Days of Our Lives

And Game of Thrones.

I know a lot happened in this episode, but mostly I recall Tyrion (the dwarf and best character EVER) slapping the crap out of Joffrey. Also King Robert saying to his son “You let this little girl unarm you?” as Joffrey whimpers. But I suppose I should talk about the other stuff too.

But seriously, Tyrion slapping Joffrey was the best part of the whole damn episode.  Here’s a clip:

So like, what else happened?  I actually had to go look up the wiki, because I’d already lost track and I HAD JUST WATCHED THE EPISODE.  First off, we have the Dork-rakey, wait, the Dothraki, (the barbarian dudes led by Khal Drogo, he of the hunky muscles, grunts, and Cover Girl eyeliner) traveling um, somewhere.  Presumably to King’s Landing (that’s like, where the king lives, duh) so Vesuvius (checks Wiki) Viserys can take over the throne.  That’s the creeper who sold his sister (I’m just gonna save some grief and call her Dany) into slavery to get the army led by Johnny Depp on steroids.  Got it?  No?  Good.

Do you smell somethin? Oh, it’s me. Grunt.

There’s also this other guy, named Jorah (I only know his name cause Wiki) who is traveling with them because . . . I don’t know.  He tells Dany that sure it will be okay, cause like, he doesn’t have to have Bruno there pounding into him every night.  No probs!

Then we go back to Ned Stark’s fam, and Ned’s wife is all whiny cause her husband left her again and like last time he did, he came back with another kid for her to raise.  She really hates poor Jon, who tries to look endearing by standing around and pouting a lot.  He plans to join the Night’s Watch, which is a bunch of dudes who guard this big wall and never get laid.  Sounds fun!

Aw, Jon is so cuuute!  Yes he issss!

Bran Stark, the little boy who likes to climb walls and just got pushed off of one, is in a coma.  I wonder if they’re gonna do a magic brain transplant, cause that would be cool.  Oh, and I missed this part because the disk from the library skipped, but Ned’s wife decides to follow Ned and tell him that she thinks the Lannisters (that’s the family with the twincest, Joffrey, and somehow the very cool Tyrion) tried to murder Bran.  Ned’s wife is an idiot.

Sociopath, sociopath, sociopath . . . and Tyrion.

Back with Khal Beefcake and the Barbarians, Dany is getting tired of the pounding so asks a sex slave (re: prostitutes for everyone!) for advice on how to pleasure her hubby.  Don’t get excited guys, no boobies were shown.  Dany uses her advice to take a ride on Beefcake this time.  Cause if you look in his eyes, you can totally make a raping barbarian fall in love with you.  No, for reals!

This is totes original, guys!

Meanwhile, Ned Stark travels to King’s Landing with his daughters, which turns out to be an awesome idea.  While on a romantic walk with older sister Sansa, Prince Joffrey cuts up a kid’s cheek, threatens to kill the younger daughter, tomboy Arya, and ends up getting bitten by Arya’s pet doggie.  Score one for the Dire Wolf.  Except Joffrey being a little prat, whines to Queen Mommy.  The king, after insulting him (woot) decides oh heck, let’s just kill any old dog and maybe my wife will shut the hell up.  So Ned gets to go kill Sansa’s dog.  Sansa is kinda ticked at her sister, cause she like ruined EVERYTHING.  Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

Sansa Stark

There is a good scene with Jon and Tyrion, where Jon asks why Tyrion reads all the time.  Yeah, like, that’s SO LAME.  Tyrion says “My brother has his sword, King Robert has his warhammer and I have my mind…and a mind needs books as a sword needs a whetstone if it is to keep its edge.”

THIS LIBRARIAN LOVES TYRION.

Dear God, I’m so awesome.

So that’s pretty much it.  Oh, wait, Bran Stark wakes up at the end, of course.  Now that’s it.  I think.  My brain hurts.  Oh, but I promised you a theme song.  It’s not as long as the last one, but it’s the best I could do.

Here we go, this time to The Facts of Life

Tootie, the missing Stark daughter.

The Game of Thrones 

You take the gross

You take the bad

You take the nude

And there ya have

The Game of Thrones

The Game of Thrones

I worked a Tootie reference into Game of Thrones.  Life is now complete.  Thoughts?  Confusion? Cookies?

One more thing – thanks to the wiki, I have a death toll for each episode.  Helpful, cause you lose track.  I’ve decided to add my own nakey toll as well.

Season 1 Episode 2

Death toll: 3 (including a little boy and a little girl’s doggie!)

Nakey toll: 1 (beefcake’s butt)