V-DAY is HERE
V-Day? What could that mean? Vaccinate day? Venereal Disease day? Happy New Year? Okay, it’s not Happy New Year, since you could say I missed that one. Along with January. And most of February so far. But hey, I couldn’t miss the most important of days, which is of course Valentine’s Day – though it might involve the other two v days, depending on how you celebrate it.
Or if you celebrate it! I decided to google “Valentine’s Day is . . .” and it turns out people – this will shock you – think it kind of sucks. The first thing I got was “Valentine’s Day is Coming Memes”.
I got very excited about this, especially the article that promised to warm my icy heart. With memes. You might be doubtful about this, oh ye of little faith. But I dideth click on one. There were a lot of super funny memes, like the one where the guy from that office show says yes he has a date for Valentine’s Day and – wait for it – that date is February 14th. Do you get it? It took me a second, and then I just sat there laughed hysterically. My heart is melted!
Okay I did like this one.
Valentine’s Day always makes me pee a little.
So that was from Bridget (@bridger_w) who took that little snapshot at a Rite-Aid. I now know what to get that special someone.
No more time for “Valentine’s is Coming” memes, though, cause it be right here mah peeps (check out my inclusive language). The second thing to pop up was how much people love this holiday cause it makes them feel super close to their significant other, especially when that other buys them that freaking enormous diamond ring from Jared cause even young children know that Dad is gonna score when he gets their Mom that ring from Jared! And there was nothing at all disturbing about that commercial that played roughly a million times!
Haha, I’m lying of course, because the sentence to pop up next was really “Valentine’s Day is overrated”.
If you’d like to know four, five, ten or even fourteen reasons why this holiday is overrated, all you have to do is google. I can summarize them all for you, though. Valentine’s Day is overrated because it’s a way to make people feel guilty if they don’t get suckered into paying money to retailers in order to prove love to that special person. It also makes people feel lousy if they don’t have someone to make them get suckered into paying money to retailers in order to prove love. This is totally different than Christmas, or birthdays, or anniversaries, etc. because it falls on February 14th. Look! I have a date for Valentine’s Day!
In light of all this negativity, I decided to look up the origins of Valentine’s Day. For all you naysayers out there, it turns out that this holiday is just oozing with happy and love and well this came up first.
Ah those romantic Romans! Executions! That’s just amazing. Two different guys named Valentine get executed on the same day (different years – did he remember or was it luck?) by this Claudius guy, so the Catholic Church martyrs them with St. Valentine’s Day. Clearly the next logical step was to make this day about love and chocolate too, just like Easter!
Chocolate Bunny?
So there you go, a special Valentine’s Day post. In case you are planning a hot date, don’t forget that once again the perfect movie is out just in time for this day of love and torture!
Classy as ALWAYS
Yours truly,
Alice
P.S. Tomorrow the candy is 50 percent off. True love waits.
An Alice Valentine’s Day Special
Happy Freakin’ Valentine’s Day!
I just realized yesterday that Valentine’s Day was today. That’s how special this day is to me, you guyz. So I figured since I’d done a special on Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, that I might as well do one for Valentine’s Day as well. Even though it’s a suck holiday, it’s still a holiday. I mean, there’s a Charlie Brown special for it and everything.
Remember the Charlie Brown special? I don’t. Except that there was this little red headed girl he liked that didn’t know he existed. And I’m pretty sure no one gave him any Valentines. Because that kid’s life sucked. He probably spent most of his free time plotting how to get even. I’d like to write a sequel where he sends Lucy a Valentine filled with Anthrax or something.
Yeah, well, wait till Lucy gets MY Valentine. We’ll see who messes with the football now . . .
Whoops, this post suddenly turned dark. Sorry about that. Speaking of dark, do you like dark chocolate? Why? It’s not sweet. I don’t get that.
Where was I? Oh, right, Valentine’s Day. Well, maybe I should give you some of the history behind this historic day. You see, there was this guy named Saint Valentine. He was a saint because he suffered for years stamping tiny little messages on the most horrible candy ever invented – those little candy hearts. I hate those things.
Does ANYONE actually like these candies?
After a while, it started getting to him, all the “Lover Boy”, “Call Me”, and “UR Kind” messages. He figured there had to be something better than that. So he invented the greeting card. These cards had sappy poems and messages of love that couldn’t fit on a tiny piece of chalk-like candy. They usually had pictures of roses on the cover, and cost more than a gallon of milk, which would arguably last much longer but somehow is not as romantic.
But after a while, Valentine got bored with the cards too, so he let his brother-in-law, Saint Hallmark, take over while he sought out the next best thing. Something that was more useless than cards or chalk candy, and killed a living thing for no real reason. Flowers! Yes, he plucked those suckers up out of the ground and stuck them in a vase and charged like 50 bucks a pop for the things. Saint Valentine was a genius.
Hey, remember how these flowers were living? I fixed that.
Later, he dabbled in real candy, like chocolate. People liked chocolate a lot better. Yet they still buy those little stamped candies for some unknown reason. They also buy flowers and cards. Well, the men do, because they know that the women in their lives will get seriously pissed if they don’t. It really doesn’t matter if we like chocolate or roses or cards. We just want them because, well, Cosmo tells us that if we don’t get them, our guy is not that into us. It’s in a quiz and everything.
Also, and this is only a theory, but there are some who thinks Saint Valentine was really a woman in disguise. She came up with this holiday to bring about the doom of men who had already forgotten to buy birthday, Christmas, and anniversary presents for their sweethearts. Is it true? Is any of this? Heck if I know. That reminds me – I forgot to get my husband anything for this dumb holiday. Hey, I know, the perfect thing. This site sells candies that have real sayings like “U LEFT SEATUP” and “DORKA PHOBIC”.
You have to love candy that reminds your significant other to put the lid down.
aliceatwonderland 