Originally, I had intended the last post to be one post with many summaries.  But since I know a ridiculous amount about this topic, it simply could not be fit into a single blog post.  So now we continue, with the next show on my list:

Clifford the Big Red Dog

Clifford is based on a children’s book of the same name.  The plot is very complex.  There’s a girl named Emily Elizabeth (E.E cause who wants to repeat that name?) and her big red dog.  They have adventures (though none of the ones you would expect with that situation).  That’s pretty much it.  Now this series has always prompted a lot of questions from me.  The first would have to be – how did Clifford get so big?  The show attempts to answer this in the opening song that clearly should have been a Grammy nominee: “Her love made Clifford grow so big, that the Howards had to leave their home.”

Funny adventures alright! Please don’t eat me!

I think the show is lying to our kids, cause I had a dog growing up, and I loved her, yet she did not grow into a forty-five foot dachshund.  So, gonna have to call B.S. on this one.  I’m thinking his growth spurt could only come from one of two possibilities: (1) They live near a leaking nuclear plant or (2) they are putting major steriods in that dog’s food.  Since E.E. has only one head, gonna go with the steroids.

Speaking of the dog’s food, that’s another question.  How do you feed something that big?  The show has a semi truck come and deliver his food.  Okay, fine, but how long are we supposed to think that food will last?  The dog is bigger than her house (or can fit into her house, w/ his head sticking out – his proportions really depend on the artist / animator in question) so he’s going to need a lot to keep going.  Even if they could get that much food every day (and they must, cause E.E. and her family have not been turned into kibble yet), how could they afford it?  I think the answer is simple.  The family signed on as reality T.V. stars, probably with a show on TLC.

Clifford. Must. Feed.

Okay, my last question (and really, this barely scratches the surface) is what happens to the dog poop?  Oh, come on, I cannot be the only person who has wondered about this.  Everything that eats has to eliminate the stuff sometime.  Can you imagine the magnitude of manure the Howards are dealing with?  It would have to be worse than every house ever on Hoarders.  What do they do with it?  Do they rent a forklift as a pooper scooper?  This is never explained, possibly because no one on T.V. ever has to go to the restroom, but I really think it should.  It’s the major reason I have given my children for not having even a regular sized dog.  Come to think of it, Clifford all by himself is a reason not to get a dog. While I don’t think it’s very likely that loving a dog too much could make it mutate to such enormous size, I really don’t think we should take that chance.  The environment will surely thank us.

Look what your dog did to my lawn!

I haven’t actually said much about the show itself.  Besides E.E. (a little girl who NEVER changes her clothes) there are her friends, who happen to be mulitcultural friends.  Because everyone I’ve ever known has a Jamaican friend, an Asian friend, a wheelchair bound friend, and a jerk friend.  Okay, maybe just the jerk friend. Her name is Jetta, and she is pure evil in child form, because E.E. can never show negative emotions.  Why E.E. and the others hang out with this kid is a mystery, but I guess it’s because without her, they’d all be sitting around complimenting each other politely all day.  She certainly helps teach the Very Important Lesson of the day which is: don’t act like a jerk like that Jetta kid.

Clifford also has pals, and when the humans aren’t around, they hang out and also learn Very Important Lessons.  His pals are a weenie bulldog and a self-absorbed (surprise) poodle.  They are not mutant sized dogs, so it’s got to be hard to be friends with things you can accidentally step on and smash into the ground.  I admit I used to wish he would step on them, because they are seriously annoying and likely the reason why dogs do not talk in real life (as far as I know).

Hey, what happened to Bob? Oh, nooo!

This show spawned a sequel called “Clifford the small red puppy” about . . . Clifford as a small red puppy.  I watched it a few times, but I never saw E.E. slip the steroids into the food, so I think there is major editing going on there.  Also, they have effectively removed the only thing that made Clifford interesting, which is his size.  If you can’t ride the darn dog to school, then what’s the point?

Final Analysis:

Giant Dog: yes

General Weirdness: yes

Steroid Use: yes

Didacticism: YES