Tag Archives: Virtual Families

Virtual Killers Anonymous Help Desk

I promised earlier to tell you about some of the fun new comments I got on very old posts.  People continue to comment on my post from 2013 about killing virtual people.  This might be because it comes up anytime someone looks for the search terms “How do I kill my virtual people?”.  It pops up on the first page, last I checked.  Thanks, Google, though really, has no one else thought of writing about this?  Just me, huh?  Ah, well, I am certainly not the first one to think of doing it, judging by the response I have had.  I’ll give you a link to it on the off chance you weren’t here in 2013.

There were actually comments on a couple of other posts too, but as I was looking over “Hi, my name is Alice and I kill tiny virtual people“, I realized there were several comments I hadn’t answered both against and – sometimes scarily – in support of my treatment of pretend people.  So I gathered them all up here in my heart and then smacked them onto this here post.

First are the ones who are very upset with me over the post.  I may have reported these guys before, but I figure it I can’t remember it, neither can you.

I hope this person liked my response.

I hope this person liked my response.

What I love most about this irate comment, besides the fact that it came two years later, is how upset this person is that I gave incorrect information on my blog.  I’m really not an educational blog, unless you ask my spambots, who highly recommend me to other spambots.  And I’m sorry, Lisa who happens to have no blog like most of these comments, if they didn’t want me to use the red punishment glove, they really shouldn’t have given it to me, should they?  Case closed.

I like being mean.

I like being mean.

Come on, Alaska, there’s no need to get touchy just because you aren’t actually a real state.  I play the game because it lets me slap people over and over, which is usually frowned upon outside of the game.  And there are just some people who need it.  Also, you should consider forgiveness, because my little pretend man forgave me as soon as I bought him some bread.  And I’d locked him in the nuclear room for a week.

I'd better get to confession. The priest will find this one interesting.

I’d better get to confession. The priest will find this one interesting.

Then there are the ones who support me . . . maybe just a little too much.

Um. Sure?

Um. Sure?

Happy to be helpful and all.  Just one of my many acts of public service there.

alice2

???

I’m not sure how this person was burning the virtual woman. I didn’t realize this was an option in this game.  The Sims, sure, but this one?   Also this is not the place to find out if something is normal, Dee.  Sorry.

Okay?

Okay?

You don’t have to answer comments if your readers do it for you.  But this one goes on for a while even after this screen shot.  I sort of . . . left it alone.

Finally, my favorite.

What?

What?

First off, I love how this literally turned into a Crazy Computer Gamers Anonymous group.  Second, what is the person responding meaning?  If they go peacefully?  Can you arrest the virtual people now, cause I didn’t realize you could.  That adds a new layer of fun.  Or maybe K.A.R meant that the people kept dying – peacefully? – on their own before she / he could kill them?  I just don’t know, but it continues to perplex me.

That’s all I have for now.  Come back later and I’ll show you how I insulted Jesus and screwed up the plot of Sophia the First.  Also Trump voodoo dolls.

Alice

How many ways to skin a Sim?

As promised, here is my post on The Sims.  This has been one of my favorite games for a while.  It’s been through 3 different transformations, all of them grossing millions.  It’s like people like playing God or something.  Go figure.

Sims 2 is my favorite.  I am not always cruel to my Sims.  Sometimes I let them have cute families.  If you want to talk about pixels having a mind of their own, these guys really do – or seem to anyway.  As long as you leave their free will on (Yeah, you can take that away too.  Or, uh, so I hear.) they will do all sorts of funny things all on their own.  They will hug, kiss, babies will try to eat their toys, and children will run and greet adults when they get home from work.  And everyone goes to work in a carpool.  Even the thieves.

But since I’m tying this post into the last one, where I talk about killing those cute Virtual Families, this post will address torturing Sims.  Since it might be hard to torture someone who looks so lifelike, I decided to create something most people wouldn’t mind kicking around.  That’s right, a clown.  I call him Boppo Sadface.

Meet Boppo

Meet Boppo

When you create a Sim, you can not only decide what they look like and how to dress them (in this case, horribly) you can also decide their personality.  You can either randomly select one of the astrological signs, or you can add the points yourself.  And you can choose an aspiration for your Sim.  Like whether he wants money, or family, or romance.  You’ll notice I gave Boppo no nice points, yet made him want lots of friends.  He’s also a very sloppy Sim, as evidenced by his lack of points in that area, and the fact that he is digging something out of his ear right now.  He did that all on his own.

Next up, Boppo needs company.  I figured no humans would volunteer to be with him, but why not a dog?  And what dog is undeniably annoying?  A poodle of course.  Boppo has a dog named Wee Wee (cause that’s what pet dogs do best).  You can give the pets personalities too.  Wee Wee is aggressive, sloppy, and dumb as a post.

Now that we’ve got those two taken care of, it’s time to find Boppo a home!  I tried to make it appropriate.

Do not attempt to adjust your screen - that's what it really looks like.

Do not attempt to adjust your screen – that’s what it really looks like.

Yes, his house looks like a psychedelic nightmare, complete with lawn gnomes, flamingos, ceramic (at least I think they are) rabbit heads, kitten heads, bears, and chickens filling his front lawn.  I circled a few things to bring them to your attention.  First off, see that thing to the left circled in pink?  That’s a supposed “marshmallow roaster”, yet is much closer to a circular flame thrower.  You might guess where I’m going with this one.

The green circle to the far right is the stupid, violent poodle Wee Wee.  In the middle is a yellow circle around the hamster cage.  One of my readers informed me that her Sim died from the bite of one of these squeaky critters.  So I had to buy one for Boppo.  His name is Help Meeee.  Ironically, both the hamster and the clown are on my little wheel of death.  Bwahahahahahaha . . . moving on.

Death one:  Clown on fire!

For this one, you can use any old stove or fireplace, but for ultimate efficiency, I prefer the marshmallow roaster.   Just move it into his room, remove the door, and watch the show.  Make sure there’s no fire alarm to call the fire fighters or something crazy like that.  Observe:

Never smoke in bed, guys.

Never smoke in bed, guys.

In case you were wondering, yeah that’s a rack of bowling balls on fire in the corner of his room.  It’s only a matter of time now.  Don’t worry, I had Wee Wee leave the room.  I’m not cruel or nothin’.

When your butt lights up, you're in trouble.

When your butt lights up, you’re in trouble.

It’s horrible, and yet fascinating to watch them.  First they totally panic and race around in circles.  No thought to say, grabbing a fire extinguisher or calling fire fighters.  When in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.  At least until your butt catches on fire.  You’re in trouble then.  Best defense?  No stop, drop, and roll here.  Just bounce up and down while attempting to blow out the flames from your clothes.

Strangely this method does not work well for them.  Soon enough, the Grim Reaper arrives, and this is one of the funniest parts.  You can tell he’s freaking annoyed by his job, just like the rest of us.  He shakes his head, pulls out some paperwork, makes a call to the underworld on his cell phone . . . no seriously.

Eh, what can you do?  Another one comin' up, boss.

Eh, what can you do? Another one comin’ up, boss.

So this post ended up longer than I intended, and I’ve got lots of ways to kill Sims left to go!  There’s death by electrocution (Sim + electrical appliance + fork), death by drowning, death by starvation, death by hamster bite and death by flies (I have never achieved either so these are now my goals in life), and so much more.  Don’t worry for him – I have him saved, so I can bring him back to life again and again.  And then kill him again.  If I want.

Shall I mess with Boppo some more?  Do you have any Sim stories of your own to tell?  Do you want to recommend a mental health hotline for me?  Let me know in the comments below!

Hi. My name is Alice and I kill tiny virtual people.

There are a lot of computer and video games on the market today.  People say they lead to violence.  You know, games like Call of Duty, or Grand Theft Auto, or Virtual Families.  Yeah, you heard right.  Virtual Families.  Here’s a screen shot of this so-called family game.

Sure it LOOKS innocent

Sure it LOOKS innocent

But is it?  I’ll let you decide.  See, this game is basically a computer dollhouse.  If you’ve ever played the game The Sims, it is similar in nature, only with a twist.  In both games, you have a virtual dollhouse and tiny families you can manipulate to your every whim.  But Virtual Families works a bit differently.

First off, you have to “adopt” a little person, which is kind of weird.  I mean this is like a grown tiny person.  I think it’s more like, hello Goddess, here is your first subject, er, human creation.   Here is a shot of the “adoption” screen.

Far out.  This guy's for me.

Far out. This guy’s for me.

Notice your little person – in this case a teeny punk rocker – is given a profession.  They are almost always bizarre made up professions, like ketchup bottler or soap inventor, or lawyer.  I am not sure how one is a mail-order butcher.  Do you chop up meat and then send it UPS?  Weird.  Note that my little man likes peanut butter and crickets.  Interesting diet there.  I am your goddess, tiny man, and I shall call you Squirrel!

Now when you begin the game, you are given a house, which is pretty sweet, but there’s a reason this thing is free.  No normal human would ever live in it.  It’s less like “fixer upper” and more like “Chernobyl.”  Not only that, the thing is littered with what they call wrappers, or giant wads of stuff as big as their heads.  What the heck do these guys eat anyway?

Nevermind the barrels of nuclear waste over there, look at those giant wrappers on the floor!  What a mess.

He looks a little irritated with me.  See how his head turns 360 degrees.

Yes, one of the rooms in his house is holding nuclear waste.  But nevermind that, look at those nasty wrappers on the floor!  Better pick those up, man.  You want to impress the new wife when you get that email proposal.

That is how marriage is normally done, right?  An example of a virtual people marriage proposal.

Brave girl.  Good thing one of her likes is drinking.  She'll need it.

Brave girl. Good thing one of her likes is drinking. She’ll need it.

Wow, you cannot turn down that kind of proposal.  The girl makes a good salary as a glue mixer and likes to drink (I swear I did not alter anything here).  You don’t find chicks like that everyday.  Best not tell her about the nuclear waste in the house before the deal is signed.

Once you’re married, it’s time for a family.  See, this game moves along in real time, only speeded up, so while you’re away they’ll keep aging and doing – whatever it is they do when you’re not there to guide them.  But in order to keep the game going, you have to have multiple generations, which means the girl’s gonna have to pop out a baby.

Now this is a family game.  How is she gonna do this?  The way it’s always done, of course.  Jump up and down on the couch whilst throwing rose petals.  Duh.

Note that it actually says "making a baby" and that our lady is "not feeling fresh".

Note that it actually says “trying to make a baby” and that our lady is “not feeling fresh”.

Once the kid is born, the lady won’t work at her job (lazy) but you can get her to do almost anything else.  See as soon as they do their couch dance, she skips past that annoying pregnancy.  Immediately she’s got this swaddled baby she carries around for two years.  Apparently they are really into attachment parenting.  Kid doesn’t slow her down much, though.  She can still cook and stuff.  She just carries the things over the baby.

Hey, baby, hold these hot red things for sec here, okay?

Hey, baby, hold these hot red things for sec here, okay?

By now you’re probably wondering why I titled my post the way I did.  Because this game, while cute and peaceful, can get kind of boring.  And naturally, when one is bored, they think about killing things.  At least I do.  Stop looking at me like that.  I did a Google search for “how do I kill my virtual people” and got like a dozen hits.  So there.  I think it’d be better to put them out of their misery.  Check out another room in “this old house”.

Should you have the baby around the massive bee hive?

Should you have the baby around the massive bee hive?

Anyway, as their goddess, I get to do whatever I want with these people.  They depend on me for everything.  Like groceries.  I buy them and put them on the table.   You know, if I feel like it.  Manna from cyber-heaven!

If you don’t feed them, they starve to death.  But that takes way too long.  I mean, it’s so cruel.  But there are other ways of making their tiny lives miserable.  I think of it rather like that part of the Bible where God and Satan are making bets on just how much misfortune Job needs to face before he cracks.  See, these experiments date back to the Bible, you guys.

Not only that, this game seems to encourage this sort of thing.  You are given two gloves in order to “train” your people.  There’s the green one that pats them on the head and makes rainbows. Bo-ring.  Then there’s the RED GLOVE.

Imagine a giant red hand coming out of the sky and smacking you silly.

Imagine a giant red hand coming out of the sky and smacking you silly.

Yeah, creepy huh?  Once you smack ’em, you see this red cloud and they run for their lives.  But it’s kind of hard to run from the GODDESS, bwahahahahaha.

Run, Squirrel, run!

You will never escape me, tiny man.

After you smack them enough times, they start to get depressed.  I guess I would too if some giant hand kept hitting me.  Not only that, you can pick the people up and drop them anywhere.  Like say, into the room with the nuclear waste.  They don’t like this very much.

Here I am dropping him into this happy place.  He'll be radioactive in no time.

Here I am dropping him into this happy place. He’ll be radioactive in no time.

Sadly, this doesn’t even affect him, save grossing him out a bit.  So how to get rid of this little guy?  Well, sometimes they get sick, I mean without your help, and there are medicines offered for you to cure them.  On the other hand, you could just inject them with the medicine and see what happens.

The giant needle one works pretty well.  Or so I hear.

The giant needle one works pretty well. Or so I hear.

Shoot him up with enough of that stuff, and he’ll be pretty weak.  Then it’s just a waiting game.  Now why would I want to torture some tiny person like this?  I mean, shouldn’t I do something productive, like say shooting at squirrels?  Nah.  Too much trouble.

This isn’t the only tiny person game I play.  As I mentioned before, I play the Sims.  I will tell more about that in another entry.  You wouldn’t believe the number of ways you can kill, er, um, have fun with those guys!  So, um, that’s my story.  Maybe there is a support group for me.

Hi.  My name is Alice and I kill tiny virtual people.

Hiii, Alice!