I’ve been thinking about how to reform our election system. At first I considered just having a boxing match, but you know how much trouble that would be, right? First it really wouldn’t be fair with older or female candidates, who might not have the same strength as younger, hotter opponents. Unless we’re talking Bernie Sanders or Hillary Clinton, both of whom I’m pretty sure would be very scary out in the ring. I wouldn’t go up against them.
You know we’d be talking major doping here (more than just being a dope, taking drugs) and selecting surrogate champions. He who has the most dollars can hire the best boxers! And we’d have boxer lobbyists, and endorsements from Nike, and so on. So boxing is out, even if it would be massively more entertaining than primaries, secondaries, caucuses, etc. It would work quite well for protestors. Just let the Bernie lunatic fringe and the Trump supporters go at it in one big ring, see what happens.
But what about a test? I mean we expect our kids to take a ridiculous amount of tests, so why not our candidates? These could be oral questions, but they would be yes / no and multiple choice, so no dancing around the topic like in debate. We are not giving them essay or short answer tests – we know how well that works. I have a lot of experience taking tests, so I have some good ideas for questions.
1.Do you use Twitter? Yes or No.
No equals 10 points. Yes is automatic dismissal
2. Did you watch Sesame Street and / or Mr. Rogers as a child?
Yes equals 1o points. No equals no cookies for YOU.
3. Which of these did NOT happen in the Bible?
A. Stoning people
B. Healing people
C. God giving Moses the Bill of Rights
D. A great, big, beautiful flood
Answer C 10 points. That was tricky! We all know it was Jesus who gave us the Constitution.
4. What do you think of really tall walls?
A. We’re just another brick in it.
B. Walls gooood!
C. Why are we discussing walls again?
Answer A and C 10 points. 5 more if you know who wrote The Wall!
5. What is your favorite amendment to the Constitution and why?
A. 2nd amendment cause it means we can all tote at least 10 machine guns, shoot people, and still get votes.
B. 1st amendment because it guarantees my freedom to curse and demean people who don’t follow the freedom of MY religion which is the ONLY religion.
C. There are more than 2 amendments?
D. All of the above!
E. None of these are right, you moron.
A, B, C, D – no points. E 10 points. Signed check to me means any answer is right. 10 points
6. What is the most important issue affecting the American people?
A. The GAYZZZ
B. Mexican Muslim rapist terrorists – they’re everywhere waiting to kill you!
C. Donald Trump. Oh, God, Donald Trump.
Answer C. 10 points. No, Bernie, I didn’t list food, shelter, and medical care for all. Gawd.
7. Does Canada look really good this time of year? Yes or No.
Yes – 10 points. No – you clearly haven’t been paying attention. O points and no beer.
8. Is it okay to lie, cheat, and steal? Yes or No.
Yes if you don’t get caught. 10 points. No if you are too dumb to hide your evidence. -10 points
9. I don’t like the candidate for my party. What should I do?
A. Vote for the candidate for the opposite party. Sure, why not?
B. Vote for a third party. Like the Unicorn party.
C. Vote for the candidate you’re given and LIKE IT.
D. Throw a big temper tantrum.
Answer – Vote for anyone who isn’t Trump, then run to Canada. 10 points.
10. How soon should you start campaigning for President?
A. As soon as the new president is elected.
B. No more than 6 months ahead of time.
Answer – C, C, C always go for C. 10 points
Okay, so maybe this isn’t the best test ever, but it’s a start. Anyone have ideas for other questions we should ask? Let me know in the comments below!
Breaking News: Just thought you should know, Hillary barked like a dog on the campaign trail. Back to the post.
You might be wondering – why, Alice, why would you watch that? You know your brain’s still not well after 50 Shades corrosion. Well, I didn’t watch the whole thing – just some highlights. And you know where I got those highlights from, right?
Thanks Facebook News! Or thank you to our political parties, who continue to have some of the most hilarious / bizarre headlines I’ve ever seen. Including these gems from Trump (And no I am not making any of these up):
Donald Trump on Ben Carson Feud: He Started It
Donald swears he is a bestest Christian, not Ben! But only because Ben started it.
Donald Trump Says I Could Shoot Somebody and I Wouldn’t Lose Any Voters
Except the voters he shot dead? Any survivors would keep the bullets in a little shadow box.
And a few minutes after congratulating Ted Cruz on his win in Iowa –
Donald Trump Accuses Ted Cruz of Stealing the Iowa Caucus
Really, I could just use the headlines featuring Trump and have an entire post. Especially considering he dominates the race to the point that I don’t hear enough about how awful the rest of the candidates are, and I’m pretty sure they’re all awful. But it’s degrees of awful we are talking about here, people. My favorite headline so far is this:
Donald Trump: Presidential Candidate Alludes to Independent Run During Event in South Carolina
Donald’s had it with the Republican party who is totally not being fair to him! I decided to (once again) break my rule against reading the comments to see what Trump supporters thought about this. No worries. They are sure that Trump can still win even if he divides the Republican party because he has a large percentage of the Hispanic vote. Well that makes sense.
Donald Trump Defends Calling Mexicans Rapists
Next they’ll be saying he’s got the Muslim vote. I do realize that people have a tendency to vote against their own interests, like the “chicken voting for Colonel Sanders” as my father always says. That’s Colonel Sanders again, not Bernie. He’s a senator. Pretty sure.
But nevermind that. I say, “Run, Donald, Run!” That way Hillary and Bernie can sit back, take their blood pressure meds and relax. No need to fight each other, guys! Calm down! Bill, please go home – you look tired. And Jeb – really – grown ups don’t usually have their Moms campaign for them. It’s not like she’s class Mom of the Republican party.
Though they certainly need one. In this clip, watch as candidates for the greatest office in the land take turns calling each other lying liars that lie!
So many good moments in this video. First Trump states that Cruz is a liar, a bigger one than Jeb Bush, who pops his head up, eyes wide like a spooked deer, hearing his name, but uncertain what to do about it. He brings up how Rubio tried to take away voters by telling everyone at the caucus that Ben had quit the race, cause like he wasn’t there. (Rubio getting a spot on the next Mean Girls movie? Possibilities!) And later, though it’s hard to hear over the mindless bickering of Trump and Cruz, the moderator actually threatens that he will “turn this car around, gentlemen.” Cruz then informs Trump that grown ups do not interrupt one another. And Trump mutters something like “Yeah like you’re a grown up.” with a sneer.
Guys, even 5-year-olds know better than to talk like that, mostly because their parents and teachers will put them in time out. Personally, I think that’s what the moderator should do – put candidates in time-out according to age. We wouldn’t have to hear from Trump for 69 minutes.
At least there is one thing the Republicans can agree on. Even though the extremely conservative Justice Scalia has died nine months before the election, they believe Obama should wait and let the next president appoint a new justice. Sorry, Obama is still actually the president. And it doesn’t occur to them they might be letting either Hillary or Bernie do it. Or possibly one of our write-in candidates.