“Rock n Roller Cola Wars,
I can’t take it anymore!”
– Billy Joel
“We Didn’t Start the Fire”. It’s a song by Billy Joel that goes through a history book picking out all the awesome (Television!) and not so awesome (Vietnam!) things that had gone on in his life up until around the 1980s. I believe he ended with “Rock n roller cola wars, I can’t take it anymore.” Well, Billy, you really didn’t guess what was coming up next.
I did a “We Didn’t Start the Fire” type post a few years ago. But I still stopped up way too early. So I figured, why not take the last year or so and see what happens? Hint: Very bad things. And a few, I guess, are good. Please note: I faithfully did a Google search from July 2015 to October of 2016 and it seems most timelines tend to stop before 2015. There is a reason for this. No matter, trust in Alice and Wikipedia and such. I have split this post because it got so long. Like the past year. So, so, so long.
Oregon makes marijuana legal. Just in time.
Scott Walker, jerk Wisconsin governor with a personal vendetta against those fat cat teachers, announces his run for President. wee.
The U.S. and Iran talk nukes. Or something. Whatever.
President Obama questions the use of solitary confinement in U.S. prisons. For prisoners anyway. Politicians on the other hand . . .
A gunman opens fire. At two military institutions, a crowded theater, and more. I’m sure we will nip this thing in the bud soon.
John Kasich becomes the 16th person to seek nomination of the Republican party. Yup. SIXTEENTH.
Street corner sized sinkhole forms in Brooklyn, New York. I see foreshadowing for this year.
First debate before the 2016 Republican Primaries is held. Conservative white dudes as far as the eye can see. Also Ben and Carly. Also Donald Trump (more like circus peanut than dude), but who would take HIM seriously?
Jon Stewart, in an effort to preserve sanity (he had no idea), retires from the Daily Show
Subway starts to really regret hiring that Jared guy.
More people shot. To change things up, someone goes after people in a movie theater this month with an ax. Netflix looking much better.
McDonald’s and Tyson foods horrified that a Tennessee based farm “stomps on chickens”. No stomping before deep frying – it’s a rule.
Just keep in mind that people are shot every month.
Clerk Kim Davis refuses to sign marriage licenses for same-sex couples. It’s sort of her job to sign her name on stuff, so she gets in trouble. Republicans make her a hero.
Stephen Colbert succeeds David Letterman as Late Night host. Humor is all that will get us through.
Police in Irving, Texas agree to drop charges on that kid who carried an alarm clock to school. Guns = good. Alarm clocks = bad.
Rick Perry, hated even by Republicans in TEXAS, drops out of the race. So does Scott Walker. Awwws.
Pope Francis visits the U.S. and does a lot of important things but no one remembers anything except for Kim Davis crashing his party.
Unemployment rate drops to 5 percent, the same as when the recession hit in 2007. But Obama is still a Muslim commie.
Jim Webb drops out of the Democratic race. Who was he again?
Hillary Clinton answers 8 hours worth of questions on that Benzhai thing. Next up, Republicans plan to force her to watch 8 hours of Fox News – she’ll really give up her secrets then.
That other guy no one knew drops out of the Democratic presidential race. No one notices.
World Health Organization finds that sausage and ham and everything you love causes Cancer.
Newspapers report that like, oil companies knew fossil fuels were bad for the environment.
At the Republican debate, 7 candidates try to team up on Trump, hurling mud, insults, and threatening to tell Mom. Well that last one was just Jeb.
At the Democratic debate, Hillary and Sanders argue about health care and other blah stuff, while O’Malley waves his hand wildly, hoping to speak.
More gunmen, but one baseball team beats another one, so hooray!
More people drop like flies from the presidential race. Everyone’s waiting for Trump to shout “Just kidding!” and leave.
Terrorist attack in San Bernardino. Donald Trump has the answer – ban all Muslims, just to make sure. Yet he’s still in the race.
Two other guys drop out though.
Bill Cosby gets an arrest warrant. No more pudding for him.
“This is not the type of campaign we run” – said by Bernie Sanders in a Democratic debate. Sorry, Bern, seems this IS the kind of campaign we run. Extra crispy crazy.
Artists boycott the Oscars because there aren’t enough African Americans nominated. A lot of America boycotts it because it’s so boring.
Zika virus appears. Donald Trump calls for banning all mosquitoes from the United States.
Jeb releases entertaining political ads, such as the one where he calls Trump a jerk. No really.
The International Atomic Energy Agency says Iran has dismantled their nukes. United Nations gives them a pat on the back. Many Americans say “Wait, there were nukes?”
North Korea launches a long range rocket into space in a desperate bid for attention.
Poor Democratic nominee Martin O’Malley (can I talk? can I talk NOW?) drops out. Sanders and Hillary too busy hissing and scratching to notice.
Former Prez Jimmy Carter picks Trump over Cruz. Cruz, dude, that’s just not good.
Quitting the Republican race: Jeb! (sadly the only partially sane candidate), Carly Fiorina (standing witchface), and Rand Paul (really a Libertarian unicorn).
Supreme Court Justice Scalia dies, and people mourn for roughly five seconds before pondering who gets his seat.
Stay tuned for Part Two – if you darrre.
Ever heard Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire”? I love how he was able to take a history book and just fling a bunch of historical events together and make them rhyme and sound cool. He started with his birth year and ended up in the 80s I believe. So I thought I might do the same thing, only starting with my birth year and not rhyming or sounding very cool. I found my facts on this website www.thepeoplehistory.com.
I’m sure it’s at least as accurate as Wikipedia. Away we go!
Stuff that happened –
I was born. And there was rejoicing. Especially from my mother who was glad to no longer be pregnant. My brother was so happy he kept the toys he got for me and knocked over my bassinet.
Apple Computer Company started. My family would get the totally hip Apple IIc when I was in grade school. I played a game on it called King’s Quest that took 8 floppy disks. You had to turn the disk every time your little guy walked from one screen to another. I loved that stupid game.
A panel warned that CFCs from aerosol cans can damage the Ozone layer. Americans said “Pfft.”
The U.S. celebrates the 200th anniversary of independence from Britain. Interestingly, Britain celebrates the same thing.
Stuff happens in other countries, like earthquakes that kill a few hundred thousand people. The U.S. was busy introducing the two-dollar bill and punk rock.
I turned four. My brother suggested a Psych evaluation on account of my new invisible friend.
Ronald Reagan was elected. He would go down in history as the GOP’s personal Jesus.
Pac-Man arcade game is released, creating the dreaded “Pac-Man Fever” which killed the brain cells of thousands of kids worldwide.
Someone shot J.R.
John Lennon (actual person) was shot and killed. Jessica Simpson was born, though, bringing balance back to the Force.
Stuff happens in other countries like wars, hurricanes, and terrorist attacks. The U.S. invents the Post-It note.
I turn eight. We get to vote in our Weekly Reader. I randomly circle the guy my friend circles. Many people continue to vote like this into adulthood.
My parents decide the best gift ever for my brother and me are Sony Walkmans (with tape decks) because we shut the hell up on long car trips.
Ronald Reagan is re-elected. 70 US banks fail. Trickle-down economics at work?
Actual music is played on MTV.
Wham! is a popular band. Their “Wake me up before you go-go” really spoke to me.
Stuff happened in other countries like famine, explosions, and the USSR boycotting us right back on the Olympics so there! Or possibly the Russians just didn’t want to go to Los Angeles.
I turn 12. Hormones commence their dirty work.
U.S. Shuttle program resumes 2.5 years after Challenger disaster. Maybe they’ve forgotten about that incident, thinks NASA.
The new drug Crack appears in U.S. cities. No one say we can’t invent stuff.
George Bush Sr is elected, but fortunately Prozac is developed the same year.
1/3 of Yellowstone National Park is destroyed by fire. Yogi Bear and Boo Boo forced to relocate.
The first major computer virus infects computers connected to that promising new Internet.
Stuff happened in other countries like more wars, terrorist attacks, and various natural disasters that kill millions. The U.S. shoots down an Iranian passenger jet. Whoops.
I turn 18. I leave that hive of scum and villainy, er, graduate high school and start college. I go to the local college and live with my parents, which seems like a good idea at the time.
Tonya Harding whacks Nancy Kerrigan in the kneecap and suddenly people care about ice skating.
O.J. Simpson flees police in his bronco in the slowest and stupidest car chase ever.
Republicans dig for dirt on President Bill Clinton (who after two years they have not accepted as president) and come up with the Whitewater scandal.
Stuff happens in other countries like war, outbreaks of the Ebola virus, and the building of the Channel tunnel between France and England which allows them to more easily insult each other. The U.S. genetically engineers a tomato!
I turn 22. I switch majors at the last second, start dating my future husband, graduate college, move, start grad school because they offer me a job as a TA, get married and move again. I take stuff slow.
Bill Clinton (who after 6 years Repubs still haven’t accepted as President) denies he had “sexual relations” with that intern. Republicans are so excited they nearly wet themselves. Politicians discuss whether BJs are sex or not as the World looks on at us in awe.
The U.S. has the first budget surplus in 30 years so naturally the president is impeached for not keeping it in his pants and telling big old fibs about it.
Tobacco companies get a big handslap cause it turns out sucking smoke into your lungs is bad for you after all.
Google is founded and people start doing all their research on the totally reliable Internet!
The FDA approves Viagra. President Clinton is elated.
Stuff happens in those other countries. Russia goes bankrupt, and the Japanese bail out a bunch of banks. This will never happen to the U.S. again because our money comes from Jesus.
I turn 24. Thing One is born. My husband and I wait for her real parents to rescue her from our incompetence.
We have the dumbest election in history. The presidential race is not decided for over a month because Florida has pregnant chads and can’t figure out their own ballots. Bush Jr. is eventually declared the winner and I’m sure it had nothing at all to do with his brother being the governor of Florida.
Nasa says the hole in the Ozone layer over Antarctica has increased like 16 sq miles in just 12 months. Americans go “Pfft.”
The dot.com bubble bursts and lots of white collar geeks in Silicon Valley are no longer able to afford trillion dollar houses. Sadface.
Reality shows “Survivor” and “Big Brother” have their first seasons. It is the beginning of the end of real T.V.
Stuff happened in other countries. Mad Cow disease spreads throughout the European Union, and cellphone disease spreads worldwide. The US finally gives the Panama Canal back to, uh, Panama.
I turn 25. I had a one-year-old. Nothing else happened to me personally.
Two planes flew into the World Trade Center on September 11th, a day that would live in infamy partly because the news continues to talk about it constantly which I’m certain is great for the healing of the people who lost loved ones during the attack.
The U.S. (or rather President Bush Jr.) declares war on Iraq. Phones are tapped. No one dares not support the war in fear of being labeled a terrorist sympathizer. I am as frightened of my own government as I am of the terrorists.
The Dept of Homeland Security is organized, and Bush institutes the Patriot Act. Librarians become heroes. No, seriously. Librarians (both conservative and liberal) are asked to turn over their patron’s records (cause if you check out a terrorism book you must be one). Instead they dump the records, at their own risk, and continue to do so. HA. I love my profession.
Stuff happened in other countries. Like we declared war on one of them.
I turn 28. Stuff start to get normal again and settle down, so we have Thing Two.
Bush Jr. is re-elected. The rest of the world looks at us like we’re total morons, which apparently we are.
Lance Armstrong wins an unprecedented 6th consecutive Tour de France. Nothin’ can stop him now!
Martha Stewart is convicted of a felony and five months in prison. She launches a new show about prison decorating.
First same sex marriage performed in Massachusetts. A plague of locusts happens in West Africa. COINCIDENCE?
Environmental protection laws dropped to allow more logging in US forests. Cause trees are highly overrated.
Stuff happens in other countries like this hurricane in Haiti but the big news is Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction! A BOOB was spotted!
I turn 32. I start my MLS degree online cause Librarian is listed as one of the fastest growing occupations. The recession, naturally, will hit in the middle of this, causing librarians to hold on to their jobs instead of retiring. Naturally.
Barack Obama is elected president to the great surprise of the Republicans, his own party, and probably himself. He is the first African-American president in history and inherits the reigns of a bankrupt country that is hated by almost every major world power. Congrats, Barack!
Though McCain (the Repub candidate) lost the election, he introduced us all to Sarah Palin, the woman he chose as VP because, um, she was a woman. A brainless one. Who talks and talks and talks. And is still AROUND. I will never forgive John McCain for this. Neither will a lot of his party.
Republicans aren’t sore losers, they just suspect Obama shouldn’t be president cause he like is a Muslim terrorist non-citizen unpatriotic anti-Christ. All valid concerns.
Increasing oil prices cause inflation. Unemployment increases. Wheee!
Katy Perry kisses a girl and reportedly likes it.
Writers start expecting to get paid for their work on T.V. and go on strike. TV stations are like, pfft, who needs writers? More reality TV comin’ up!
Stuff happened in other countries but SERIOUSLY we were broke and had no entertainment. SUCKAGE!
Add it up. I arrive on WordPress. Ta-da! I gain “fame” by covering 50 Shades of Crap.
Barack Obama is re-elected to the surprise of the Republicans, his own party, and probably himself. I experience relief on a scale I haven’t in ages, but am very respectful toward the losing side. Not really. This doesn’t happen often. I gloat like hell.
Wackos fear the world will end and stock up on the 3 foods most bought from Wal-Mart during emergencies (for realz): beer, peanut butter, and pop tarts.
The world doesn’t end. Surprise!
I’m about ready to give up on my blog. I toss a post up randomly. It is Freshly Pressed. WOOT.
Alice remains Alice.