Weekly Horoscope is Back!
That’s right, folks! Recently my psychic abilities have returned to me after fleeing in terror during my coverage of 50 Shades. Now that they’re back, I feel I should use my powers of prophecy to predict your fortune this week. Sure the week is technically almost over, but now you can know what you should have done earlier. I’m helpful that way.
Anyway, I figured I would once again divine your fortune from the wrappers of Dove candies. They work even better than tea leaves. No guesswork. Plus I’ve yet to get the Death sign from one of these things, so you’re probably safe. It was a sacrifice, scarfing 12 candies from the candy bowl on my coworker’s desk, but there is nothing I won’t do for my loyal readers – not when their past future is at stake!
Predicting the future one chocolate at a time.
Since I’m the psychic, I have helpfully translated these complex riddles for you.
Aries (The Ram): Mar 21 – Apr 19
Dove candy wrapper say: It’s definitely a bubble bath day
Alice say: What if you don’t have any bubble bath? Or a tub? Well, you’re screwed, that’s what.
Taurus (The Bull): April 20 – May 20
Dove candy wrapper say: You already look gorgeous, gorgeous
Alice say: Dove candy is sincere. They would never suck up to you suckily.
Gemini (The Twins): May 21 – June 20
Dove candy wrapper say: Be good to yourself today
Alice say: Eat more chocolate. Then get on the scale and blame Dove.
You suck, Dove.
Cancer (The Crab): June 21 – July 22
Dove candy wrapper say: Escape for a moment
Alice say: We’ll let you out of the pen for fifteen minutes, then back in ya go!
Leo (The Lion): July 23 – August 22
Dove candy wrapper say: You worked hard – promise yourself an award.
Alice say: Promise yourself an Emmy. Wait for results.
Virgo (The Virgin): August 23 – September 22
Dove candy wrapper say: You’re invited to relax today
Alice say: Take some tranquilizers.
If that doesn’t work, try the library.
Libra (The Scales): September 23 – October 22
Dove candy wrapper say: Unwrap, Breathe, Enjoy
Alice say: In that order. Better get some candy, stat.
Scorpio (the Scorpian): October 23 – November 21
Dove candy wrapper say: Tempt your sense of exploration
Alice say: Really explore that sense. Everywhere. Try using a brush.
Sagittarius (The Centaur): November 22 – December 21
Dove candy wrapper say: Discover yourself
Alice say: Be like Christopher Columbus, if you know what I mean, wink, wink.
Capricorn (The Goat): December 22 – January 19
Dove candy wrapper say: Your smile is your best accessory
Alice say: Who needs clothes? Not when you’re exploring and discovering yourself, you don’t!
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): January 20 – February 18
Dove candy wrapper say: Buy flowers for yourself
Alice say: You also don’t need a significant other. See fortunes above.
Pisces (The Fish): February 19 – March 20
Dove candy wrapper say: Dance with your heart
Alice say: Do not attempt without a skilled physician present.
Stay tuned next week to find out what you should have done last week!
Alice Goes On Vacation
Never fear, reader, I will not be gone for long. I’m thinking a weekend. And I’m not going anywhere. I just had this crazy idea that maybe I should, you know, maybe not sit in front of the computer 24 hours a day every day. Probably two days away is my limit. If I can handle that. Of course I can handle that. It’s not as if I have some sort of a problem or anything.
I am not. I can quit anytime. SHUT UP.
Anyhoo, I will be back fresh Monday morning with – TA-DA – the answer to your prayers or nightmares, whichever, the new recaps of 5o Shades Episode III: Return of the Jerkoffs. It’s going to be full of exciting shit, people, because I’m sending James back to school and grading her chapters like papers (I have English teacher experience here) and this is just a guess, but I’m thinking she’s not going to do so well. But that’s not all! There will also be a contest and quizzes too! I bet you just had tiny orgasms didn’t you? Just me? Eh.
You are SO going down, E.L.
I also hope to get back to the weekly horoscope readings next Friday, because I know you have all been bereft without the benefit of my psychic abilities. How else are you going to figure out you totally screwed up last week without my help? You’re welcome.
Miss me?
But wait, there’s MORE. I’ll also have other idiot posts, like one with all the interesting and not at all disturbing search words people used to find my blog. And, and, it’s just going to be so great you’re going to wet yourselves in anticipation.
So I bid you adieu (see, I am totally Le French) until Monday. Provided they have not put me in a straightjacket.
Love and kisses and crap,
Alice
Your Weekly Horoscope (Sept 17-21)
Welcome back! It’s time for this past week’s horoscope, today. Because the future can’t be rushed once it’s in the past.
These guys are pretty freaking looking aren’t they?
This week, I have decided to divine fortunes based on the prophecies fortold within the wrappers of Dove candies. This could not have been accomplished without the unwitting help of my coworker’s candy dish. I managed to steal 12 candies from that desk. How? Here’s how.
This little guy comes in very handy.
Since some of these fortunes are needlessly complicated, I have added my expert commentary to each one.
Aries (The Ram): Mar 21 – Apr 19
Dove candy wrapper say: Now, time for chocolate relaxation.
Alice say: How exactly do you relax chocolate? Melt it? Give it a drink with one of those little umbrellas?
Taurus (The Bull): April 20 – May 20
Dove candy wrapper say: Treat yourself today
Alice say: Eat something better than a Dove candy. Like 12 Dove candies. For a good cause.
I just ate a Dove chocolate and am suddenly relaxed omg it is a miracle did they start putting sedatives in these?
Gemini (The Twins): May 21 – June 20
Dove candy wrapper say: Do all things with love
Alice say: All things? Like hail a taxi? How do you do that with love?
Cancer (The Crab): June 21 – July 22
Dove candy wrapper say: Be the first to hit the dance floor
Alice say: Faceplant in front of everybody. You’ll make an impression. (Do you get it? Do you?)
Leo (The Lion): July 23 – August 22
Dove candy wrapper say: Open your eyes to all the love around you.
Alice say: My eyes are open, Dove candy. All I see is laundry.
Virgo (The Virgin): August 23 – September 22
Dove candy wrapper say: Be the first to hit the dance floor
Alice say: Dove candy fortune writers are super original. I think E.L. James writes them.
Libra (The Scales): September 23 – October 22
Dove candy wrapper say: You should charge for your great advice
Alice say: Don’t worry about degrees. Just throw “Dr.” in front of your name and you’re golden.
Advice with a side of snark comin’ up.
Scorpio (the Scorpian): October 23 – November 21
Dove candy wrapper say: The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.
Alice say: The more Alice asks for bling, the more bling her readers give her.
Sagittarius (The Centaur): November 22 – December 21
Dove candy wrapper say: Ignite your sense of adventure
Alice say: Don’t ignite your adventure around flammable objects.
Capricorn (The Goat): December 22 – January 19
Dove candy wrapper say: You know what? You look good in red.
Alice say: Dove candy wrapper says you can eat more candy. You’ll still look good. Trust them.
Because Santa is hot, yo.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): January 20 – February 18
Dove candy wrapper say: Chocolate therapy is “Oh, so good.”
Alice say: Heck with psychiatry. Just eat chocolate. And then become a Scientologist.
Pisces (The Fish): February 19 – March 20
Dove candy wrapper say: Stir your sense of pleasure
Alice say: Alice is not going to touch that one.
Stay tuned next week to find out what you should have done last week!
Your Weekly Horoscope (Sept 10-14)
Welcome back! It’s time for this past week’s horoscope, today. Because the future can’t be rushed once it’s in the past.
Note: Certain bloggers may find their horoscopes especially helpful this week.
Aries (The Ram): Mar 21 – Apr 19
Finances will take a downward turn when your new business, Monkey Bums R Us, is shut down by PETA. Tough break.
Taurus (The Bull): April 20 – May 20
The moon in the fourth quarter indicates that your favorite football team will
You find a lot of bozos on those dating sites.
be run over by bulls.
Gemini (The Twins): May 21 – June 20
Expect romance when a Canadian clown and some other guy answer your dating ad as the same person.
Cancer (The Crab): June 21 – July 22
An 80s flashback will cement the theme song to “The Facts of Life” into your
Tootie!
head, forcing you to don legwarmers and take to your waterbed while clutching your Cabbage Patch Doll.
Leo (The Lion): July 23 – August 22
A visit from the stork will bring you more mouths to feed. I hope you know what four baby storks like to eat.
Virgo (The Virgin): August 23 – September 22
You will have a rich, full life in spite of your strange addiction to balloon animals.
Libra (The Scales): September 23 – October 22
The scales will not be in your favor when you gain 500 pounds overnight. Stop eating at Ruby Tuesday’s.
Scorpio (the Scorpian): October 23 – November 21
Your home town will be taken over by a hoard of 50 Shades of Grey zombie readers. Run while you can!
Sad, sad pony
Sagittarius (The Centaur): November 22 – December 21
Was that pony in your burger? Nah, I’m sure it was lunchmeat, love.
Capricorn (The Goat): December 22 – January 19
Jupiter aligns with Mars and the floor aligns with your face. Weebles wobble, but you fall down.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): January 20 – February 18
That was 8 glasses of water a day, not 80. I hope you’re wearing Depends.
Pisces (The Fish): February 19 – March 20
Evil mutant dogfish will continue to dog on you, Pisces. I hope you can tread water.
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