Better To Be Dead Than Fat
Yesterday I saw an article posted on Facebook about Adam Richman, the guy from Man Vs. Food. I’m not sure if you’ve heard of that show – it’s about a guy who travels the world and shovels food in his face to win such novelties as a T-shirt and heart disease. But, hey, he travels! So totally Travel Channel. I’m just shocked it wasn’t on TLC.
Gonna have to place my bet on the food.
Though no one on TLC, it turns out, is as big a scumbucket as this guy. It makes me angry to even recall it. The show has been off two years, though Travel continues to show it again and again. In that time, dear Adam lost a lot of weight. Yay, now he looks so much older! Oh, and he’s totally healthy because thin! He posted a selfie of himself bragging about his weight loss and using the hashtag “thinspiration.” Turns out thinspiration is a term people with eating disorders use. News to me. Anyway a blogger named Amber Sarah (who OMG is fat!) told Adam about this and he said “Oh, didn’t realize that. I’ll just drop that particular hashtag.” Hahaha, no of course he didn’t. He told her “Do I look like I give a f**k?” She tried again, and got a friend to try, and when they were ignored, she hit up her followers who started bugging him. So he just ignored them.
No, of course he didn’t. He went freaking off the wall crazy, tweeting such gems as “If anyone acts like a c**t, I’ll call them one. It’s not misogyny, it’s calling a spade a spade.”, “Eat a bag of sh*t”, and most chilling of all “Seriously, grab a razor blade and draw a bath. I doubt anyone will miss you.”
It is impossible to fully express my anger at this because it’s wrong on SO many levels. And it just gets worse if you look at the comments. I know, I should never do this, but I thought surely people would be as enraged as I was. Nope. Here are some of the responses from various articles.
Is bad, bad, bad. Unless you are paid to eat it by the ton.
“There is no excuse for HER behavior. She weighs 1,000 pounds and doesn’t want anyone else to be happy that they are thin and in good shape.”
A picture of her – on her article – with the caption “Its Tinkerfat the land whale princess.”
“People are way too sensitive. I don’t think anything he said was wrong. He’s lost a lot of weight and is proud of himself, as well he should be.”
“Who wouldn’t want that nutjob to commit suicide? He may have been ranting, but be honest . . . most of us were cheering him on because we are so damn tired of people trying to cause trouble or thin skinned or offended by small thing. I know he’s in the public eye and has to apologize . . . but I hope it is the fakest damn apology ever.”
“Since when does a “Blogger” like that monster Amber Sarah have the power to get a television show pulled? She’s a BLOGGER! They aren’t real! That pig should take note of what he did and hit the gym. So sick of Liberal PC nonsense ruining people’s lives.”
She’s overweight and has bad fashion sense! Good thing she’s a blogger, and doesn’t exist.
Commenters who disagreed with these views were often disregarded with slams like “You must be fat yourself.” Right, cause you have to also be overweight to think telling another human being they should kill themselves because they are worthless is wrong. Here’s news to these people, and to darling Adam. There are PEOPLE on the other side of that screen. People who kill themselves everyday partly because they are judged by their appearance.
The ironic thing is that many overweight people are not unhealthy. They eat well and exercise. Some people will always be thin because of metabolism, even if they eat McDonalds for every meal. That doesn’t make them more healthy. And even if the person IS an unhealthy weight, that doesn’t mean their brains work less. It doesn’t mean they are worth less.
I am disgusted that my daughters must grow up in a world where completely unrealistic body images are seen as the norm, and deviating from that means ostracism, discrimination, abuse. Where it’s better to starve oneself than to have a little meat on your bones.
Adam has the right to “free speech”. So did the blogger. And the Travel Channel had the right to “postpone his new show indefinitely”. There is such a thing as karma, Adam, and consequences for your actions. I only wish his losing his new show was the only consequence, but it’s just a symptom of a very sick world where it’s better to be dead than fat.
My New Epic Quest
“I did absolutely nothing. And it was everything I thought it could be.”
– Peter Gibbons in Office Space
It’s not that I’m lazy. It’s that I just don’t care.
A while back I wrote a little post called Epic Quests and Crap Like That. You might remember it, since it got Freshly Pressed, and also since I’m reminding you of it right now. Also there’s that handy link. But anyhoo, I’ve had a lot of time to think about this quest of mine and whether this is the right path for me.
You see, I’m what people might call a “worrier” or “neurotic” or “a total freakazoid”. I can manage to turn the simplest of tasks into a monumental undertaking. And if there’s a book on this undertaking? Look out, I’ll find it. And I’ll research the poop out of it. Yes I will. I have researched more self-help books than you can count. Books on how to lose weight, exercise, be more spiritual, be more of a freethinker, be less of a worrier (ie freakazoid), be more assertive, make more friends, declutter my living space, parent my children, self-diagnose various diseases I might have, diagnose psychological problems I definitely have, manage my finances, manage my husband, eliminate stress, and, of course, simplify my life.
My latest quest, as you know if you read that post that made me, like, famous for 24 hours or so until people realized who I really was, was to lose weight. This did not go well. I didn’t lose any weight. I sort of came up with some new probably good habits. But no weight loss. So then I wrote my Big Fat Manifesto, in which I griped about how people hate fat people and it’s really not fair when there are so many other reasons to hate people, like that they’re assholes. I conveniently left you a link to that too, because I like it when WordPress asks me permission to link to my own stuff.
Anyway, you’re probably wondering what my new quest is now. In the last post mentioned, I said I wanted to get healthier. I think I might know the way to do it. I’ve been heavily influenced by my reading, as usual. One thing I read was this book called Sloth by Wendy Wasserstein. It’s part of this series on the seven deadly sins, only Wendy actually advocates for sloth. Sure, it’s satirical, but like all satire it holds a grain of truth. Sometimes what we need to do most is absolutely nothing.
This book has the Official Alice Seal Of Approval
I’ve mentioned before that I’m sort of lazy. That’s true and not true. While my body often is not off the couch, my mind is always running. I have the thinnest brain ever, next to Ana Steele. Basically, I am both Sad Pony AND Squirrel, which I guess means I am sort of dating Miss Four Eyes. Awesome. Anyway, this book gives you permission to do nothing, and is written as if it is the next great self-help book. You know what? It think it is.
My favorite movie of all time is called Office Space. It was released in 1999, so you might not remember it, but it is still awesome. When I first watched it, I was working for a boss from Hades, so I really identified with the main character, Peter. He works for this mind numbing corporation. His boss treats him like crap, his girlfriend treats him like crap, his job is killing him slowly, and he thinks each day is the worst day of his life. Until he happens to go to a shrink who puts him under hypnosis before collapsing from a a heart attack. Peter stays in this hypnosis, completely relaxed, without a care in the world. What happens afterward is my favorite part.
Instead of working on the weekend, he sleeps most of the day, ignoring calls from his boss and girlfriend. Finally he gets up, happy and refreshed. When the girlfriend calls again, he picks up the phone, glances at it, presses the off button, and goes about his business. There is something about that scene that resonates with me. Here is a situation that just the day before would have had his stomach in knots, yet now, in his relaxed state, he says pfft, and turns the bitchy girlfriend off.
Hey, Commissioner Gordon, bite me.
And that’s not all. He goes to work. The same crap happens, only now he’s relaxed and at ease so none of it gets to him. I want that hypnosis. Of course, in real life, that’s not how hypnosis works. But I think we can still get it, if we let ourselves go, and give ourselves a break. Sometimes, it is so nice to simply just be, and those moments are so few. So that’s what I’m trying to do now. I’m embracing my inner hippie sloth – check out the link for a review on an awful kid’s show. I know, I’m on a roll here!
I’ve started doing Yoga with a DVD. I know, me, of all people. But I like the breathing part. The very best pose is one that looks suspiciously like lying flat on your back, but don’t be fooled! This is Yoga, you guyz, and I am getting all spiritual and calm and crap. There’s a lot of stretching and turning this way and that and sometimes I just stop and go “Pfft, she’s kidding, right? Legs don’t go that way.” But mostly I like it. Who knows? Maybe I might accidentally lose some weight, or possibly my asthma will improve, or at least I’ll get to take naps on a mat like in kindergarten. It’s all good.
So I’m working on just going with the flow. Maybe I’ll eat an apple. Or maybe I’ll have a milkshake. Maybe I’ll go for a walk. Maybe I’ll nap. There are endless possibilities on this new path. Reflecting this change in my quest, you might see changes on this blog. I might post a blog post next week. I might post three. I might post none. I might post two in one day. There might be more one word posts (that got me the most hits in weeks). I might not use so many pictures. I might only use pictures. I might have guest bloggers come do my dirty work. You just never know. Isn’t that exciting? Where are you going? Ah, well.
Namaste.
Sad Pony Exercise
Hi. It’s me. Sad Pony. Alice was too lazy to write a post today so she told me to do it. Of course. I’m her willing pony slave. Hooray. Today’s post is supposed to be about how to exercise when you’re a sad pony.
Exercise. Right. I’ll get right on that after my nap. Oh. Wait. It’s Squirrel.
Hi, hi, hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hiiiiiiii! What’s up??? Hey, hey, hey! Whatcha doing, Sad Pony, huh, are you writing a post? Really? Cool! Can I help, can I, can I?
Gee. I hate to give this up.
Oh I promise I’ll be good and not talk if you want and not bounce on your head or leave poopies all over the bed okay okay okay? Huh?
Fine. You’re supposed to talk about exercise. How do Squirrels exercise? Ohhhh, we do it all the tiiiiime! It’s so great, really, it’s great, see first we run, like this – see I’m running across the telephone wires. Watch meeeeeeee! Wheeeeee! This burns off like 800 calories a second.
Fascinating. Oh my. I must make a phone call. Yes, see, hear I go, vrooooom, vroom, and I’m on this side of the pole now lookie I’m on the other side of the pole, now I’m back again, now back to the first side, now . . . oooooooouchhhhhh electricityyyyyyy, I’m feelin’ the burn!
Oops. Oh, Sad Pony, do it again! That was incredible! I think I saw God!
It’s not even fun to torture you. Now let’s jump up and down! Come on, Sad Pony! Jump up and down!
Let me think. No. Awwww, look, watch me, I’m up, now I’m down, now I’m up, down again, up, down, up down! Oooh I’m feelin’ it now! You don’t know what you’re missing OMG I’m skidding across the floor into the wall owwwwwww!
You tripped on my hoof. Oh dear. It’s okay! I’m up again! Sad Pony, are you just gonna sit there and stare at that picture of Miss Four Eyes all day? Are you? Huh? Oh, hey hey hey, let’s run over to Miss Four Eye’s blog, huh? Let’s do it! Let’s go!
Okay. I am right behind you. Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Here I gooooooooooooooooo!
I thought he’d never leave. Time for that nap. You burn calories while you sleep. That’s sad pony exercise. Now go away.
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My Big Fat Manifesto
I’ve been on this weight-loss journey a while, and I figured I should let you know my results. You know, as in how much weight I have lost. Here goes:
Ta-Da!!!
Unless you count the random five pound loss, or the fact that, I swear to you, I can step on scales, then wait a second, step on them again, and get different answers. I’m not just talking about one scale either. I think scales are powered by tiny evil fairies. And what the hell with the pants sizes? I wear a size 14. When I try on pants in this size, a few fit, some are loose, and most are tight. The same size. Sometimes even the same size in the same brand. The clothing industry: also powered by evil.
Have I exercised more? I think so. I go up and down on that. When my asthma acts up, I don’t do as much. Asthma makes it even easier to do my favorite activity since becoming a parent: sleep. Sometimes I don’t do as much because I’m just tired and lazy. But other times I manage to at least get myself on the exercise bike I bought. I’m determined not to let that thing become a coat rack. I love the calorie counter on the machine. It tells me I burn 100 calories with about ten minutes of relatively light pedaling. Some people in the reviews said they thought this calorie counter was slightly off. Pooey to you people, mine is just right.
Woot! I lost ten calories just touching the pedals!
What about nutrition? I do try to eat more fiber. On the other hand, I’ve also eaten out more than I should. I read an article, though, that says this is not my fault. McDonalds has subliminal advertising that tells you to eat their fries and kill your parents. You just play their commercials backwards and you can hear Ronald saying this, plain as day. The fast food industry: clowns = evil.
In all seriousness, there is one thing I do not like about this journey. And that would be the feelings of shame. Shame that you are not as skinny as you should be. Shame that you ate a milkshake. And cookies. And . . . good Lord stop eating already! Shame that you didn’t exercise enough. Shame that your clothes don’t fit. Shame that you, single-handedly, have caused the medical industry to implode because they have to treat your sorry overweight behind. Because, you know, skinny people are never ill.
According to the BMI, which is totes accurate, I am overweight. My GP told me I could stand to lose 30 pounds. My OBGYN told me she thought that was too much. 15 pounds would do, but she wasn’t seriously worried. Even the medical establishment can’t agree on this crap. One day I was lying around feeling blue. Thing One asked me why I was Sad Pony. I told her it was because I hadn’t lost weight. She said, “Aw, Mommy, you’re perfect.” I knew I liked that kid for a reason.
Thing One and Thing Two: Best Trainers Ever
My blood pressure is low. I have perfect cholesterol readings. But according to some, I’m going to drop dead of a heart attack any second because eek – overweight! But while I do not have a perfectly slender figure, I’m not obese. These people are the ones who are looked at with absolute disdain. They are judged by both sides of the political divide as inadequate. Lazy, weak-willed, hideous creatures who should be shuttled off to live under rocks. If they could fit under them.
Does this mean I’m advocating for “fat pride” and think people should just eat twinkies all day long? No. But I don’t understand the shame put on overweight people by our society. Heck, even what is considered overweight has changed drastically over the years. Now the ideal weight for a woman requires that said woman have no behind, no breasts, no curves. A stick figure. Just what every man wants, right?
That’s why I like Sir Mix-a-Lot. Sure, you could say the guy degrades women, but hey, he likes big butts and he cannot lie. I like a man who likes big butts. I happen to have one of those, Sir Mix-a-Lot, and I salute you for your stance. My husband seems happy enough with my behind as well. I am the one that is unhappy.
I put a lot of pressure on myself to lose weight. Determination has helped me get through three degrees, two pregnancies, and several depressive episodes. But here I am slumping. I add work, kids, house, chronic allergies, depression, and reality shows, and man, I feel like I’m carrying a huge weight all the time, and I’m not talking about the weight centered in said behind. I’m talking about the weight on my shoulders. And I’m incredibly fortunate. I have a great support system and I have a job with benefits. I don’t want to think about women who don’t have that, yet hate themselves because of what a number on a scale, or a BMI reading tells them.
After judging Jillian, Devil Trainer from Hell, I decided to be fair and watch an entire episode of Biggest Loser. Is it inspiring that these people lost tons of weight? Sure it is. But is it worth it to do it that way, that drastically? I don’t think so. The hell these people are put through at Camp Snoopy Fat-Butt is not reality (Thank God.) I watched the people stepping on the scale after one week on this ranch. One week. And the expressions of sadness when they only lost eight or nine pounds. WTF? Any reputable medical doctor would say one to two pounds a week is optimal. But these people are dropping over 20 pounds a week. Healthy? I don’t think so.
Jillian: I hate you.
Yet America cheers them on. Way to go, Fatty! As long as you lose weight, who cares how you do it? Who cares what it does to your metabolism, your heart, your mind? Skinny is king. Even anorexics are looked on with less vitriol than those with a few extra pounds, yet who is the healthiest? Remember the Amazon I talked about at the gym? That lady had probably forty pounds on me easy. Yet she could move like nobody’s business, and left me panting in the dust.
Yoda has a saying, one I love so well. “Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you?” Here’s this freaky little green guy about two feet tall, yet he can lift star ships out of a swamp. Likely no one would ever look at that little runt and think he could do something like that. But the media, and popular culture are like whiney, short-sighted Luke. It’s too big! Luke was tall, handsome, and in great shape. But compared to Yoda, especially, he was a total nit wit. I’m surprised Yoda didn’t dunk him head first in the swamp.
Bad I am, yes.
That’s what I’d like to do with popular culture that says those I know who are categorized as obese are not worthy of respect. Who says that they don’t deserve medical care because don’t fit into a certain size. Who makes women my age feel like failures because after making and cooking the bacon and taking care of the kids, we don’t look like the models on T.V. Who makes girls as young as my twelve year old daughter not want to step on the scale.
Is this just an excuse not to lose weight? No. It’s just a frustration. I’m still trying to get healthier, because that is better for me. If pounds come off with it, that would be great. But I’m not beating my head against the wall any longer. It hurts too much, and I have enough on my plate of life to put too much stock in what’s on my dinner plate at the moment. I’m a mom, and I’m tired, and I just want to feel good about myself for who and what I am. And until I feel that way, it doesn’t matter what my size is.
Scariest Exercise Videos: Jillian Michaels
Remember how earlier I mentioned that there were scary words in the titles of some exercise videos? There’s a reason for this. It’s because there are scary PEOPLE in these videos. And I’m going to show you one of them right now. First up, Jillian Michaels of Biggest Loser. She’s a real peach. Check out her pep talks here right after she gets through beating the crap out of a punching bag!
Inspiring quote from Jill: “I don’t care if you both die on this floor. You better die looking good.” Awww. You just want to cuddle her up like a teddy bear full of rusty metal spikes and nitroglycerin! Who wouldn’t want to work out with this . . . .lady?
Here’s a sample of one of her workouts. It’s called “Last Chance Workout”. You know, like last chance before she murders you. Sounds like fun. Check out how enthusiastic her victims students are! Watch her threaten to jump through your television set like something from Poltergeist!
But wait, there’s more! I searched through several clips. I have to tell you – I’m not sure I could watch an entire Jillian workout video. Note I said “watch one”. I’m not even talking about attempting to DO one of these workouts. I read the Amazon reviews. I read stuff like “knee replacement surgery”. This does not surprise me.
Just the titles of her videos can strike fear into the hearts of man. Here’s just a few of them:
30 Day Shred
Ripped in 30
Shred it – with weights
Extreme Shed and Shred
Why does she want to shred things? Why??? I’d prefer the “non-shredding” variety, thanks. Even Yoga isn’t safe from Jillian. She has one called “Yoga Meltdown”. As in Chernobyl. I thought Yoga was relaxing, not nuclear.
One final video clip. This one’s from her “Kickbox Fastfix” and it makes me tired just watching it and wincing. Wincing burns .05 calories each time – I know because there’s a workout just for your face. One of my readers told me. Anyway, here goes kickboxing:
First off, you have to love how they jump without jump ropes. Why? Jump ropes are pretty cheap exercise equipment. Without them you look kinda stupid. Especially if you have the manic expression of that blond chick. Then we go into the jab, up, kick, jab, up, kick, fall down, cry (I added those last two, because I’m pretty sure that’s what I’d be doing at that point). She says to “visualize your target”. Who would that be? Did someone piss her off at Target?
I think maybe her class pissed her off, because by the end of the clip she has them flinging themselves up and down in some kind of psychotic full body situps, that then progress into donkey kicks. I think she’s just trying to see what she can get them to do. Whatever you do, do NOT look into her eyes.
Are there any other exercise gurus that scare the crap out of you? Won’t you tell me in the comments below?
Exercise Videos: The Good, the Bad, and the OMG Part One
First off, confession time. I have not been good Alice this past week in regards to nutrition. There were milkshakes, bruthahs and sistahs, and fast food, and sometimes veggies were nowhere to be seen! There are many excuses, some of them pretty good, but mostly I just have to start over again and move forward. I have, at least, still been exercising. So we’ll talk about that.
Okay, if you remember last time I talked about the gym and how there were other people and it kind of sucked. But there are alternatives! You can, with today’s fabulous technology, exercise at home all by yourself with the exception of any annoying family members that might pass by and laugh at you. There are ways to avoid this. For instance, working the abdominals tends to release unwanted gas. Good way to clear a room.
I’m working my abs. Go away.
One way to exercise at home is to use exercise videos. There are eleventy billion of these things on the market, though, so how do you know which one is the right one to use? That’s fairly easy. You use the one that least makes you want to vomit. This means going through trial and error at times. Also, you can read the reviews on Amazon until your eyes start to cross because 80 people think that “Get Great Abs with Jesus” is as great as the Second Coming, while 80 others just don’t believe in it at all. So what to do?
I have the solution. Or a solution. I have tested some of these videos out, and right now I’ll tell you my favorite one. It’s rather old, as I originally got it back in the 1990s, which is when, sob, some of my readers may have been born. This should not be humanly possible. Anyway, this “oldie but goodie” is a video by former bodybuilding champion – back in the dark ages I can only assume – and certified fitness trainer Tony Little.
This weirdo. Don’t worry, you don’t have to get on the thing.
Now you might be thinking – a body builder? Yuck! But he’s got a back story – about his back. See he hurt it in a near fatal auto accident, and was in chronic pain. So he left bodybuilding (this was probably not the worst thing ever, considering) and got depressed and ate a lot of twinkies and gained a lot of weight.
But rather than drown in a Hostess coma, he decided to turn his life around and design a non-impact exercise format (I’m liking the idea of not impacting things) that he could do even with an injured back. He has several videos, but my favorites are his Fat Free series which contains two videos – one for upper body, and the other for lower body. No part of the body is safe.
As seen on TV! Models included only as props!
I have the VHS versions, but you can get them on DVD still. But you lose something in the DVDs, namely getting to watch him move around at super fast speed. Anyway, there are several things I like about his videos. (1) He’s a man, not a teeny-tiny bouncy cheerleader that you just know is going to talk smack about you with her other teeny-tiny bouncy cheerleader friends as soon as you’re done. (2) He teaches you all the exercises at once before he starts on the routine, so you can learn them, but not have to go through the training every time you do them later. (3) He’s a goof and yammers through his videos about believing in yourself, but actually seems sincere about it. (4) There are three exercise levels, so you can start slow and work your way up.
The best part, truly, is when he’s demonstrating the exercises. He has a model friend (I bet she’s a bouncy cheerleader) come in to help him. First he does the exercise himself, and then he has her demonstrate it. Sometimes she goofs it up, so he fixes it for her by manipulating her arms and legs like she’s a puppet. I love this so much that sometimes I rewind and watch it all over again. You know, to, um, get the technique down. He advises you not to use weights immediately (I think this is an excellent idea as I could easily kill myself with one) and to make small movements, not fling yourself around where you can break your neck. I love it when he tells the model to stop doing that, she’s going to pull something.
Watch me bend her legs over her head!
In other words, I trust the guy, because I know he’s been through some crap before. He’s more concerned with you doing it safely, than he is in you keeping up with fast dance moves and observing how hot he is. And trust is fairly important, especially when you’re dealing with someone on a T.V. screen. He doesn’t hide much, and he’s fairly self-deprecating. If it’s hard for him, he admits it. At one point during one of his videos he nearly trips on his carpet and keeps filming, laughing goofily at himself the whole time. It’s hard not to like this goofball, even if he does make you do lunges that screw up your quads so that you’re walking like an old lady for two days.
The only problem I have is that they’re fairly long – roughly 35 minutes each if you’re just doing beginner level. So fitting them in can be a bit of a challenge. But I usually feel better after I’ve done them, and I know they work because back in the nineties – sigh – I used them for a while and I was actually in shape. So I’d recommend this one.
There are other videos, as well as video games that can help you get in shape. Wii pioneered the dance games. They can be pretty fun even if you look like an idiot. I’ll continue to review different videos and games and give you the good, the bad, and the ugly. I’m willing to do almost anything, and especially willing to skewer any exercise guru who really sucks. So if you have anything you want me to try, let me know in the comments below.
Adventures at the Gym
I think I mentioned something about adventures at the gym last time. I’m not actually that adventurous there. I rode on the exercise bike a few minutes once, but couldn’t figure out how to adjust anything so had no idea how far I’d pretend biked. I might have been going backwards. I’m not sure if your calories are subtracted that way or added back on.
They offer exercise classes at this gym. I tried a Zumba class once. I thought it sounded like fun. Yay, a little light dancing. I am an idiot. Our teacher arrived. She wasn’t any skinny mini, so I thought, cool, she’s not going to kill us. I failed to realize that you can be a little chunky and still have the energy of a cocker spaniel. She led us in a lot of dance moves involving hip shaking or Zumba-ing. It was not so bad at first. The music was nice and upbeat. I was breaking a decent sweat. 15 minutes passed. So far so good. She’s going to stop any second now. 25 minutes. Okay, so she’s going to go a half hour. I can do this.
Zumba is FUN.
35 minutes. Wait a second, she has still not stopped. What the hell does she think she’s doing? Did I accidentally enter Amazon boot camp? What are those little dots whooshing through the air? Am I seeing flying elves? I really think we should stop. 45 minutes. You know how they say when you die you see your life pass before your eyes? I saw mine and it wasn’t very exciting. 50 minutes and all that water that used to be inside my body had materialized outside my body in drops of delightful sweat. Finally we hit 60 minutes and she stopped and I somehow kept from collapsing right on the ground. Had I done so, I probably would have been there the entire weekend. No more Zumba-ing for me, at least not with Wonder Woman there.
I went back to the treadmill, which really is the safest thing. Some people get bored on the treadmill because you walk and walk and never get anywhere. Story of my life, people. The great thing about the treadmill is that you don’t have to be outdoors with nature. Nature hates me and makes me sick what with the trees and the grass and the pollen and the air and crap. And let’s not forget all those natural dangers like dogs, cars, and sudden drops in the pavement. None of that with the treadmill. Just easy going walk, walk, walking while I listen to “Gangham Style” and other high brow musical selections.
Well it was easy going, anyway. Until last week when more people showed up at the gym than I was used to and just messed everything up. People. Oh, well, I could go to the treadmill on the far side of the room. I did and everything was walky paradise until, crap, some lady gets on the treadmill right beside mine. Really? Did she not understand the concept of space bubble? No matter, I can ignore her with my “U Can’t Touch This”. Take me away, Hammer! This works for a while until this lady, apparently related to the Zumba Amazon, decides up the speed as fast as it can go and, good Lord, run on the treadmill.
Pro: Gym has equipment
Con: Gym has people
Thump, thump, thump, THUMP! My treadmill starts to shake in response to hers. Oh, goody, now it can be like I’m walking on a sailing ship. Just what I always wanted. I look at her out of the corner of my eye and do my best Jedi impression. “You want to leave the gym and look into another form of exercise.” I think at her. I think this really hard. It has no effect. I am tempted to tell her that, hey, my ovaries are just as big as hers are. I’m just taking it slow here. Oh, and lady, did you know that you are destroying the cartilage in your knees right now? Working on that knee replacement, eh? Lady?
She finally slows down and starts walking again. Good. Then she has enough of a break and starts running from an unseen force of evil, I guess. It’s like one of those horror films. Lady, you are never going to get away from the monster like this unless he too is running on a treadmill. I will say this is the first woman I’ve seen be so fanatical about her training. I see men doing it all the time, and I, once again, am often tempted to tell them I am very sorry about their personal equipment and how it isn’t up to snuff. Thankfully, these thoughts remain in my head and thus I remain breathing.
Honestly, I don’t really care if you run on a treadmill or lift weights and drop them from 20 feet over and over again so that you can make that big loud bang like toddlers with their Lincoln logs. I just want you to please do it far away from me, thanks. But that’s the problem with gyms. Other people. Which is why I decided it would be good to get my own in home equipment. This should be interesting. More next week. For now, learn from Goofy, an expert at the gym.
Livestrong, Die Hard
On my ongoing weight-loss journey, I am learning so much. In case you didn’t realize it, there are a lot of diet / exercise trends out there. Some of them we can look back on and laugh now. Some of them we will look back on and laugh later. You know, if they don’t kill us first.
Some friends of mine use the Livestrong website. Livestrong was started by Lance Armstrong (get it?), the cyclist who won the Tour de France several times and pissed off a bunch of French people. So a total win for the U.S. there, except that recently they finally caught him drugging and he sort of lost all his titles and stuff. Whatever your opinion on the guy, I have to give him credit because there are NO drugs that could make me cycle more than a few blocks without falling over, much less that many miles.
You’re not actually gonna make me ride with her, are you?
Anyway, there’s a calorie counter on this site called MyPlate and you can enter your height and weight and how much you want to lose per week and it calculates how many calories you get. Then you can enter in every morsel you eat and it goes POP and shows the calories. It also takes these calories away from the total number of calories you get for the day. I think you can already see where the problem here is. At first, I had all these calories left over and was like, wow, and I even had a milkshake. This is GREAT. Then I realized that I had put in that I wanted to gain 1.5 pounds a week instead of losing 1.5 pounds. Whoops.
Calorie Counter From Hell
So the next day I fixed it; and things changed, my friends, and not for the better. I realized I had eaten almost half of my calories for the day and I hadn’t made it to lunch yet. And I didn’t have any freaking pancakes, either. We’re talking Raisin Bran and skim milk and some freaking fruit and stuff. But you do get an out. If you exercise, you can burn some calories, so you get some of your “points” back that way. One problem with this. You have to do a LOT of exercise. None of that “stand up” stuff for Lance. So I’m thinking I’m not quite ready for MyPlate yet. I went back to Superbetter. It’s kind of like going from Jeopardy to Wheel of Fortune. Suddenly I’m a genius again!
I’d like to buy a vowel . . . a C!
Superbetter says “add fiber” so I add some fiber. There are actually some tasty things with fiber. I don’t recommend All-Bran, though, unless you like eating twigs. My favorite fiber thing is a Bran muffin. I know, I’m not 80, but I think those things are seriously yummy. The thing about fiber is that it fills you up better, so the idea is that you won’t eat as much. The idea is anyway. It’s a great idea. It might even be working a little.
Hint: Your cereal should not resemble twigs.
Superbetter says “add a veggie”, so I try to remember to throw one in my meal. One thing I figured out was that the Evil Empire Wal-Marticus has these single servings of green beans you can carry with you. This is nice for when you don’t have time (or energy) to make a whole pot of them, most of which you will put in the fridge as leftovers and forget about until they achieve sentience. You can also easily add them to your lunch you’re bringing to work. And unlike some veggies, these actually taste pretty good. This is my opinion, of course, because I don’t care for most vegetables. Unless they are coated in cheese or have bacon added to them. Which tends to negate some of the nutritional aspect there.
I would like to bite the heads off of some of these guys.
So that’s my adventures in nutrition for now. But what about exercise? Well, I know I’m going to have to do more than just standing, even with Superbetter. Just the other day, I finally dragged my butt to the gym. This gym is open 24 hours a day and is located a block from my house, so talk about a huge hurtle getting there. I will tell you about the gym, and some other fun new exercise techniques in future posts. Think Goofy on those old Disney cartoons and you’ll be pretty close.
I lose five pounds every morning . . .
When I posted Epic Quests and Crap Like That, I had no idea that it was going to be pressed, or that I’d get such an incredible response. Obviously the WP editor knew what she was doing – this is a topic that most people deal with at some point. Except those teeny, tiny people who have to “struggle” to reach 100 pounds when they are pregnant. I knew a woman like this. Luckily for her, she was honestly a very sweet lady, otherwise she might have ended up a teeny, tiny pancake.
Anyway, this was a good and bad thing. Good in that, hey, look at all the cool people who showed up and took the time to leave interesting and thoughtful comments. Bad in that, oh crap, now I have to actually stick with this? Well, maybe not that bad. I mean, losing weight is a good thing, unless you’re anorexic, then stop, please. The messages we send people, especially women, about weight are just so wrong, but that’s another issue entirely.
Because I do actually need to lose a little. I’m practical about it. I know I’m never going to be the size I was before having the Things. Growing people inside your body shockingly seems to be a real body changer. I mean, who knew, right? Even if you do get back in perfect shape, you’ve got all that leftover skin just hangin’ out there. People like to call them “muffin tops” cause the skin pops out over your jeans like a . . . muffins sound good. Really good. Wait. Here’s an awesome video to take your mind off of muffins. Especially chocolate ones.
Anyway, part of my quest involves me weighing myself. I try to avoid this in the same way I try to avoid checking my bank account balance. It doesn’t change the balance, but you don’t have to feel all sadfaced that way. But Superbetter says you should weigh yourself. Bite me, Superbetter.
So I got a scale with a digital readout, because it turns out I couldn’t read the other dusty scale I had without my glasses on and good grief I’m old. This digital scale is so awesome; it measures even tenths of a pound. This turns out to be not such a good thing, as I’m trying anything to shave off even bits of pound. Like weighing myself with as few clothes as possible, first thing in the morning, after bathroom activities. That’s what Superbetter tells you to do, so that you don’t get all those weird weight fluctuations.
And if you’ve ever weighed yourself throughout the day (as I stupidly did because I am somewhat OCD) you understand why. It turns out that you can gain and lose as much as five freaking pounds over the course of a day, what with drinking, eating, going potty, eating some more, storing up gas like the Hindenburg, etc. What the heck is with that? As if I’m not confused enough?
Anyway, I said my Epic Win was to lose five pounds. If I wanted to, I could technically say I do that every single day. First thing in the morning. The problem is that I lose the same five pounds every single day and then gain them back by nightfall. Which means I’m pretty much back where I started. Every single day. Does this sound familiar?
WTF, I could fit in this house this morning!
On the plus side, at least I haven’t gained any weight. I don’t think. Another thing you are supposed to do is record your weight, but I forget to record the number and then I forget exactly what it was later. If I’m losing .005 pounds, then I want Superbetter to know this, darn it, because I deserve a Pokemon Power Up.
Yet this blog requires honesty. No, it doesn’t. I mean, I could make crap up and none of you would ever know. It’s not like I’m showing you body shots. But what would be the point of lying? So I’m being up front here. I have made some changes. I bought food with more fiber in it, and sometimes I remember to eat it. I haven’t totally shaken the sugary cola thing, but I don’t drink as much of it. I mostly try to drink diet, which they say increases your sugar cravings, but I’m not sure how I would tell this as I am a sugar fiend anyway. I don’t like diet as much, therefore, there isn’t as much soda consumption. I’m trying to increase the amount of water I drink. If it’s cold, it’s not so bad.
I am walking more, or at least being more mindful about it. I take the stairs, not the elevator. I work on the second floor of a university library, which means I must trudge up stairs and across a very large floor to get to my office. The bathroom happens to be on the other side of this floor, or, if I wish, I can trudge down stairs to go to the staff only restroom. Either way, I’m getting pee exercise. I have to do this a lot (see babies change your body above) so yay, exercise. No more elevator unless I’m truly desperate. It helps that my boss got trapped in this elevator for over an hour one day. Seriously.
I haven’t made it to the gym in months. But I’m thinking about it. And it turns out that thinking is pretty important because thinking can lead to doing, at least better than not thinking about it can. For some reason this reminds me of a Yoda quote. “Do or do not. There is no try.” Shut up, you stupid little green muppet.
I’m trying, which hopefully will lead to doing. This is a slow process, a quest that takes me inch by inch. But I’m not “doing not” which means eventually, with some work, I will do. I hope you all will stay along for the journey.
So you’ve fallen down the rabbit hole . . .
Hi, ho, it’s Kermit the Frog. I mean Alice. Sorry to disappoint. I wanted to welcome all my new readers. Hey. Come back! Where are you going? There is some great stuff here, if I can just dig it out. Wait, that’s a gum wrapper. Hold on a sec.
When I found out I had gotten Freshly Pressed, I realized that my blog was a mess, so I did what I normally do when someone unexpected visits my house. I shoved everything into closets. See those categories on the right? Closets. There’s stuff in there, but I haven’t the faintest idea what. There’s also categories up above. I’m pretty sure you can find more about my somewhat unhealthy obsession with 50 Shades of Crap up there. If you dare. If you’re even more daring, you can look under the Children’s T.V. reviews, but I warn you. Dora and Bob the Builder are there, and even worse, that scary freaking Cyclops cucumber from Yo Gabba Gabba. Yeah, that’s a show.
The Village Monsters
of Yo Gabba Gabba
I have another closet entitled “My Mad Tea Party”. That one’s safe. I shoved all my friends and their blogs in there. Check them out. I’m certain I’ve left some off because I have ADHD which makes me
Anyway, you can also try checking the comments. Anyone brave enough to comment here is worth checking out. Also, anyone who comments is automatically enrolled in Smut University, where I am the one and only professor. My class is 50 Shades Flunked, and we’re covering 50 Shades Freed. I am fully qualified to teach because I have multiple degrees (no, seriously, I do). The way to get ahead here is to comment (i.e. participation). You can also try answering my questions, but your answers don’t actually have to be correct or anything. There are many other students, though some of them may not realize they’re enrolled. So like a real university, pretty much.
My students are a varied bunch.
Usually my classes are on Mondays, but I’m a bit behind with the pressing business. Also this real life of mine has been endlessly entertaining what with my husband getting pneumonia (making this 3 out of 4 family members who’ve had it), my mother having knee replacement surgery, and our plumbing exploding. And I have a job, but don’t worry, I rarely let that get in the way.
I do plan on getting my lesson plans done as soon as possible. Meaning as soon as I can stomach another chapter of the Dumb and the Brainless. There’s a new feature I have planned as well, thanks to the success of my Epic Quest post. I’m going to post on my weight loss quest on Wednesdays, since that’s the day you get over the hump (supposedly). As far as other posts, I’m not sure. I did ask for audience participation, which means you are free to suggest crap for me to cover. Clearly I will do almost anything here.
In my quest to get healthy, blood may be spilled.
I know there’s something I’m forgetting . . . oh, yes, Sad Pony and Squirrel. You might be curious about those two. You might be tempted to think they are just pictures of animals and not real but DON’T. Ponies and Squirrels are very real, thanks very much. I’m sure you’ve seen them. Sad Pony is just another pony, only he’s sort of depressed. Especially since people keep mistaking him for Eeyore, who is a depressed donkey, not a pony. And Squirrel is somewhat hyper. You’ve probably seen him racing across telephone wires on his way to another Squirrel kegger party up in your attic.
See. He’s a real pony. Shun the nonbelievers!
I’m up in your attic right now.
I guess that about covers it. Well, it covers what I can think of at the moment. Stay tuned, it will be interesting. Or something.
aliceatwonderland 