Christmas is getting closer, like the Polar Express blazing right at you at 90 miles per hour with that freakish computer-animated Tom Hanks shouting out the window “I can’t stop it!  Run! Only 11 days till Christmas!”  Do you have your gifts bought or were you wasting time both being sick and whining about it?  Have you been hiding a homicidal snowman?  If so, please let me know, because we’ve lost him again.  He might have escaped the house.

But I promised a gift list, and unlike my other promises I’ll deliver this time!  (Click to Enlarge Pictures)

Gifts For Dad

What to get for the guy who hates everything and half the time leaves the shrink wrap on the gifts and never says thank you?  It’s a toughie.  But I did some digging and found some great ideas for that special Dad on your list.

Also makes a great mantle piece!

What to say about this gift?  Just – so much!  As it says, it comes with everything needed to clean Dad’s guns including 3 brass rods, 2 brass adapters, and a bottle for your gun oilll!  And the container is so multipurpose you know, cause it’s shaped like a bullet, but also – like – well – um – a suppository!  Yes, that’s it!  Please don’t use let him use it as one!   Also be sure Fido is out of the way and he remembered to unload the gun first.  I think these instructions should be on every gun cleaning device – including cartoon pictures so people will actually read it.

Gifts for Mom

What about mom?  You know, the woman who sacrificed all her hopes, dreams, and desires that you might live and go on that stupid ski trip?  Well, look no further, we’ve found just the thing!

Timeless gift to treasure! Even Jewel loves it!

This is a MUST for the holidays, because we want Mom to be happy, and every woman I see in those Swiffer commercials is unbelievably happy.  Just look at them gliding around and exclaiming how amazing this mop is!  There has to be something I’m missing in this thing, like maybe the refill cloths are laced with something, because I think they’re high – or possibly just transported back to the 1950s.

Just think – Grandma had to use a regular mop – in high heels!

Gifts for Grandma

Speaking of Grandma, what to give to that special lady that spoils you rotten – or your kids rotten?  Well you could be boring and give her yet another mug saying “World’s Best Grandma” or you could get something both fun and practical.  This guide, disguised as a children’s book, will help her prepare for when she’s too feeble to do anything on her own, and must depend on her children and grandchildren!

Here’s what to expect from the future, Grandma!

There are some great tips in this book such as “How to keep grandma busy”, “Things to do at the park”, and “Possible places to sleep.”  Grandmas should study this while they still have time, and make sure to mark some stuff in their wills.  Like – do not keep Grandma busy by pushing her at mach speed through the park then dumping her on a park bench for the night.  Always be prepared, for children are evil!

Gifts for Grandpa

Grandpas also need gifts that say “Preparedness”, “Practicality” and “Pain.”  Because while he might be able to run and play now, he won’t forever, so here’s a great gift idea.

Also makes a great Father’s Day gift!  For Grandpa!

Yeah, I looked up “gifts for Grandpa” and this was the first thing to come up.  Well after the Obama toilet paper (seriously).  But this will last him so much longer.  Just put it around his neck, and squeeze it!  Kids will delight in applying traction to Grandpa.  Fun for the whole family.

Gifts for Kids

What to get those sugar-fueled, obnoxious little twerps – er, angel children in your life?   Need something that fulfills the need for children to get exercise in a dangerous, yet also politically incorrect way?  Then you’re surely in the market for our next gift!

Weeee, pop, crash, OMG!

This is an ingenious idea, and I’d love to have one for myself.  It would be handy for those trips to Wal-Mart during the Christmas season.  Kids will like it too!  Check out the commercial to see just how exciting this toy can be!  Watch the girl’s neck flop backwards and slam into the floor.  She might need to borrow Grandpa’s traction device!

Sad that adults can’t use these too?  Well immature ones can!  If you’re bored, you can watch some.  I’m glad I did.

Gifts for Teens

This first one is a great one for kids who are so socially inept they don’t know how to get in trouble without a book.

Now how do I get that kegger again – oh yeah, the book!

Sounds great, doesn’t it?  Who hasn’t spent hours in high school hosting film festivals, going on road trips, writing (Communist?) manifestos, or shutting down house parties before the police arrive?  Yeah, uh, books are dangerous.  Best to stick with tried and true.

The ultimate care package at a great price!

This is an awesome idea because everyone knows teens do not want to be interrupted to do such things as go to the kitchen for Nutter Butters.  One reviewer complained that she could have gotten all of this from Wal-Mart for around fifteen bucks (including the gift card) but hey, you might have to get out of your chair for that, and you are busy on Facebook.   It would be even handier if the coke can could also be used for pee, thus eliminating bathroom breaks.  Remember what’s most important – you could be rid of your teen for days!

And last but not least . . .

Gifts For Rover

We can’t forget the family dog who, judging by recent commercials, we feed better quality food to than we do ourselves.  No preservatives for my doggie, even if he does lick his bum!  But besides food, what do you think your cuddly best friend would want for Christmas?

I like how uneasy the fish looks.

This is a great toy, as the man in the review (look it up on Amazon – it’s weird) demonstrates.  The dog plays with the toy and finds egg squeakers inside it.  So it rips them out one by one, squeaking with delight while the fish, penguin, or whichever unfortunate egg-laying animal you use lays helpless, watching its young get eaten by a dog.  Like wild kingdom right in your own home!

Happy Shopping!

Alice