Hello codeine, my old friend
I am sick. Bronchitis. I think. I’m not actually sure. I went to that doctor place (If you will recall last fall I wrote all about it and included instructions on how to make your own yurt out of the paper they put on the examining tables. You’re welcome.) and the sort-of doctor (they call them nurse practitioners) listened to my chest. I informed him that my chest always sounds good when I have pneumonia like I did last fall. He prescribed me antibiotics and had a nurse give me two shots – one in each cheek. Not my face cheeks.
At the SAME TIME, several states away, my psychic twin, Merbear, experienced tingling in her bum cheeks. Coincidence? I think not. If we can just get our evidence together, we are totally going to get a spot in a Time Life book, provided they ever make one again.
We will be famous!
Anyway, he didn’t feel the need to tell me what was wrong and I didn’t feel the need to ask. Meds. Woot. The promise of lifting the brick off my chest. I liked that idea. I’m not sure why I keep getting sick. It could be the asthma and allergies and the fact that I am allergic to the entire planet. Or that thick layer of dust that lays on my blinds. And my chest of drawers. And the entertainment center. And the floor. I looked at that a lot while I was lying in bed and pondered this. Then I went to sleep.
I missed some work, but now I am back and fit as a fiddle, which really isn’t fit if you think about it. A fiddle is kinda pear shaped, which is better than apple shaped, but still not exactly model potential here. I think you’d need a flute for that. But I’m here. I slept relatively well thanks to codeine which was brought to me by Jeremiah the bullfrog. I never understood a single word he said, but I helped him drink the cough syrup.
Thank you, Jeremiah. You are a great friend of mine.
What was I saying? Yes. I am at work. I am here. I think. A student walked in and out and later my boss asked if he was here and I was like, um, yes. I mean no. Wait – who? Did I imagine him? Possible. I’m going to go with yes. I said yes. I am slowly sliding out of my chair.
Earlier I tried to print something. I sent one page to the printer. I thought I did. Instead the printer decided to print the entire document, which is a very large document, so I said “Stop it,” and smacked the cancel button. After spitting out three more pages, it stopped. Good. So I tried sending the one page again. And it started printing the entire document. Again. So I started smacking the cancel key, again, and this time I was really getting personal. “Stop it! Stop itttttt! Now, now, now, you stupid printer!” And it stopped, because it ran out of paper. So I put more in. And then it started up again, spitting out the entire document, only this time starting all over again at the beginning.
I bet those guys were behind the printer malfunction. You saw them too, right? Right?
I hit cancel again and turned it off, and then on. That solves everything. I hit enter, and guess what it did? If you guessed tried to print the entire document again, you win! I mashed the button, and said some more choice words, and might have done a little dance of Anger. At some point, it finally decided to print out just one page, the page I wanted in the first place. And then I realized I really only needed to just write down one sentence from that page and it would have been fine. This whole time my boss had been watching me. I’m not sure if I was entertaining her, or if she was just too nervous to intervene.
I might not be ready for work. My head feels like it is filled with cotton. I keep sliding out of my chair. I stare at the screen and see tiny pixels dance across it. I swear the codeine had to have worn off by now. Where am I? I don’t even remember driving here exactly. Soon I will go downstairs and serve coffee in the library coffee shop. Why? I don’t know. That doesn’t make sense when I’m well. I am certain they will appreciate the extra cough with the coffee. Do you get it? I don’t either.
It is 10:45 AM. I only have to make it till 5 PM. What time is it now?
I am at work. It counts.
Where the heck is Alice?
This all started with that bloody Daily Post. The nice WP person who is much more computer savvy than I, talked about how you could insert a Google map into one of your posts. And then you could talk about all the places you had been. This would have been pretty lame. Or you could talk about where you wanted to go. I figured that would be more fun, and I could make it really nuts, and travel from Texas to Canada (I hear it’s better) to Mexico (I like the food) to Chile (I like countries with food names) to Antarctica (I like Penguins).
But, predictably, I could not get this feature to work. I tried drawing lines between points and my lines would not work when I wanted to, but worked splendidly when I didn’t want them to do so. And sometimes Google Maps would place markers in the middle of say, the Indian Ocean. I’m not a very good swimmer. Finally, when I was done, Google Maps showed a picture of . . . blue. That was the map. I have no idea what I did.
It doesn’t help that I have absolutely no sense of Geography whatsoever. All those European countries over there are all just floating around hither and yon and I have no idea what all they have in Africa. I did at one time – right after I took my Geography class, but then my brain decided it could dump that file. Who needs that when you can hang onto 5o prepositions (aboard, about, above, across . . .) and the names of all the Cabbage Patch Kids you had as a child. Clearly this info is more important.
Not only do I not know Geography, I don’t even know where I am at any one time. I have no sense of direction, and can get lost in the city I’ve lived either by or in MY ENTIRE LIFE. This is a source of great amusement to my husband, but not so much to me, as I circle around and around the same gas station, trying to find my way to the doctor’s office I’ve visited dozens of times before.
So I figured that since I couldn’t get Google Maps to work, I’d just make my own freaking map. I made a map of Wonderland as it exists in my blog world. Hop down the rabbit hole and take a look.
Who needs real countries when you can make them up?
Just remember: if you get lost, do not ask me for directions.
aliceatwonderland 