So, like, a bunch of WordPress people (adults supposedly) are playing tag and I just got tagged. Not freeze tagged, tagged where I’m now doomed to find someone else to tag in order to rid myself of the blog cooties. Or something.
I could ignore it, but I’m about ready to shoot up some technology, so I might as well take a nice little break before my RAGE costs a goodly portion of my paycheck. So anyways, it was twindaddy again (quit stalking me! Unless this is really Blunt Life Coach in which case – I knew you loved me all the time!) and he was tagged by Merbear. I wasn’t aware there was such a thing, but I guess if you’ve got sea cows you can have Merbears. I bet there is a special in the works on Animal Planet or Discovery.
Okay so rules (I wish I could just run and smack him back like in first grade. So much easier.)
1. Post these rules.
2. Post a photo of yourself and eleven random facts about you.
3. Answer the questions given to you in the tagger’s post.
4. Create eleven new questions and tag new people to answer them.
5. Go to their blog/Twitter and let them know they’ve been tagged.
A photo of mwah? Sure.
11 facts about me? A-gain? What don’t you know? What would you like to know?
1. My favorite antiperspirant is Mitchum. I find it has the best flavor.
2 . I love watching that show “Monsters Inside Me” because it freaks me the heck out; but you know, I want to be prepared.
3. I suck at technology. Either that or my computer is currently possessed by Satan.
4. I read all the Twilight books AND all the 50 Shades books because I . . . why? Why did I do that?
5. I know people hate award posts, but I don’t have any other ideas so it’s an award post and what else was I going to do hurt feelings, huh? Huh?
6. I’m pretty sure I have the plague and Rat Bite Fever. (see number 2)
7. I have cavities. Damn those Cavity Creeps!
8. I almost never have any idea what I’m talking about. (surprise!)
9. Did I mention the computer possession? My disks have got it too. Maybe THEY have Rat Bite Fever.
10. My name isn’t really Alice, but my real name does come from a classic book.
11. I like saying “eleventy billion” and “sadfaced” and other made up words and writing really long run on sentences because I’m a terrible English major.
Now I’m supposed to answer questions from twindaddy. Is anyone still reading? See if I care. Go check out someone’s interesting blog but you’ll be SORRY.
- If you were a super hero, what would your super power be? Blowing up stuff with the power of my mind. It’s probably a good thing I don’t really have that.
- You don’t like your name (if you do, pretend that you don’t). What do you change it to? Pocahontas
- Debbie leaves Cincinnati at 5PM and travels an average speed of 62mph. Triton (where did that name come from?) leaves Dayton at 4:47PM and travels at an average speed of 87mph. They head towards each other. At what point do you give a fuck about any of this? BONUS Question: How long until Triton gets arrested for reckless driving? Triton is a water god dude from Greek Mythology – or Ariel the mermaid’s dad. Not sure how he’s driving at all with that tail. At no point do I give a fuck about this.
- Coffee gets me high and keeps me awake at work on most days. Do you have such an addiction? If so, what is it? Cola. Cola, cola, colaaaaaa.
- I truly believe we are all broken in some way or another. What is your biggest defect? Defect? No one has made me the Queen of the Internetz yet, that’s the defect. Or possibly it might be using humor as a self defense mechanism. Nah.
- Conversely, we all have one thing we are extremely talented at. What is your best attribute? I’m extremely talented at doing absolutely nothing. Also some people like my writing and drawing. You don’t? Well get lost!
- If you were like Pinocchio, but could choose which body part would get bigger with every lie you told, which body part would it be? Clearly asked by a man. I would choose to make parts smaller, not larger.
- You find an empty box on the floor of your office. What was in it? Crap. Or, um, archival material I mean.
- You just walked into Starbucks. What do you order? A pastry. I hate coffee, even fru fru coffee.
- Do you read (besides blogs)? If so, what type of reading to you enjoy? Alice no read. Alice read 50 Shades and brain no worky. Actually, I usually like reading non-fiction but lately my attention span is so shot that blog entries and magazine articles from Cosmo are about the limit of my intellectual ability.
- If you could guest post on any blog, what blog would it be? Oooh, oooh, does the Pope have a blog? Cause that would be pretty sweet. Otherwise – I’d like to guest post on any of my peep’s blogs.
That’s all fol . . . that’s NOT all? I’m supposed to ask more questions? WTF kind of tag is this? By this point you realize I could be on the other side of the playground, right? Okay, FINE, but you will be sorry.
1. Why do you blog? Why do any of us do this? Why?
2. Are you hungry?
3. Is this eleven questions yet?
4. Is anyone still reading?
5. Does my butt look big on this blog?
6. Just how bored are you?
7. How long can you hold your breath? No reason. Just curious. Don’t look behind you.
8. Can you poop rainbows? If so, we must meet.
9. Are you STILL reading? You really are bored.
10. Is there a monster at the end of this post?
11. Does anyone know what I should write about? That would like, be actually good? Or mildly entertaining? Or stupid and gross but kind of funny?
And now for the nominations, for anyone who got this far.
twindaddy (serves you right)
Miss Four Eyes (if you don’t answer, Sad Pony will get even sadder. Squirrel will simply die. Think on it.)
List of X (I want to see him come up with 10 reasons not to respond to this tag)
Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher (I really want to know if she can poop rainbows. That’s a great skill in a librarian.)
Revis (as brother to twindaddy, you are automatically responsible too. It says so in the Bible.)
Faithhopechocolate (speaking of Bibles, faith, you’re it.)
Not Quite Alice (Another Alice is Always Acceptable and Alliterative)
Animockery (good artist and fellow geek)
braith an’ lithe (she’s a yogi – she can probably twist her way out of this tag)
Doggy’s Style (Run, doggie, run!)
She’s a Maineiac (Looks cool drinking coffee)
So there you go, our nominees. Yay. Now remember, you must pass this award on or ALL THE PUPPIES WILL DIE. Have a nice day!
Or something. I just got a new bling from twindaddy. It’s pretty sweet. I’ll display it right this second or I’ll forget because senility.
There are fireworks and crap, which is just like when WordPress did that end of the year thing with fireworks, only it doesn’t display my most used
safeword search word. You know I typed that sentence twice with the same Freudian slip. Huh.
Anyhoo, there are more rules, and as the classic rebel without a point, I’m going to rebel and screw them all up. Again. So let’s see, rules, rules, rules. He says:
Display the Logo
Well no kidding. Look, there it is up there. Don’t look in my bling closet because I haven’t added it yet. It’s kind of a mess and if I open it crap comes pouring out and it’s bad for my allergies. Okay, what else is there?
Finish this sentence “a great reader is ___.”
You know you’re asking for it, right? Let’s see, I could go with what Thing Two did at age five when her Bible class teacher asked her to fill in what her very favorite thing was. She said “My very favorite thing . . . is me!” But no, I’ll give it a little more thought. A great reader is someone who reads my crap. Even if they’re dragon tales creepers. Or spambots. Remember, spambots always take the time to leave comments, even if they are unintelligible and trying to sell you pills that really do work come see me now!
Oh, wait, there’s more. Nominate – 14 people? WTF, 14? Do I have 14 readers? According to my stats I’ve got lots. Huh. Okay, so here goes! I’m going to nominate those who, in my opinion, are least appreciated around here. Here we go:
Lista de email: You, lista, never fail to visit. Your email lists are the bomb. Take this award.
Pure Green Coffee Extract: I’m so glad you share my love of green coffee. Do you hang out at the Cantina too? Not only that, you offers weight loss pills for men for women. Awesome. Here you go.
Katherine is super awesome. She offers PHD scholarships which I didn’t even realize was a thing until now. She had an interesting comment too:
“I would prefer dragons from trolls. Dragons are much cute, cuddly and enchanting compared to trolls that drool. Plus, toddlers would enjoy watching dragons in different colors while soaring into the air. Not that I hated trolls, I just don’t like their appearance and mostly they are villains in children’s stories. I would like to hear more of it soon.”
No problem, Kat. I too love different colored toddlers who fly in the air more than I do drooling trolls.
mysocialday thinks I’m swell and tells me so with backhanded compliments. Like “I can’t believe you aren’t more popular given that you most certainly have the gift.” The gift of what, I’m not sure, but hey thanks. Take this award.
acnecyst has overcome so much in life. Like acne cysts. Those sound unpleasant. If you go see him, I’m sure he’ll have some cream for you. Thanks so much, man. Here’s an award.
Hahaha I am only kidding here, guys, I have a lot of honest to goodness real readers here, too many to write down because if I do I might leave someone out and then that person might come after my blog after first finding all the dragon tales readers and teaming up and then I would be an absolute goner so you see this is mostly just a way of protecting myself and loving everybody equally so help me Amen.
And thank you twindaddy, for being awesome, as usual.
They are still following me. I looked up my top search terms and you know what the top one was well DO YOU? Check it out.
Search Terms for all days ending 2013-05-06 (Summarized)
|wordpress alice at wonderland||47|
|dragon tales characters||32|
|50 shades of alice in wonderland||22|
|alice at wonderland wordpress||18|
|alice in wonderland wordpress||15|
|fifty shades of alice in wonderland||11|
|dragon tales emmy||10|
|next week horoscope||9|
|dragon tales logo||9|
|50 shades of grey satanic|
Yeah, that’s right, folks. It’s dragon tales. By a FREAKING LAND SLIDE. What the heck? But that’s not all. We’ve also got dragon tales characters and dragontales and dragon tales emmy (whu?) and dragon tales logo. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? I mean, sure, there are some others. The old reliable most popular search word from last year “crack whore” is still holding in there with 10, but that’s no 439. Dragon Tales got more than Sad Pony, more than Santa, more than 50 Shades, horoscopes, or the name of my flipping blog.
My dragon tales review is suddenly my most popular post as well, even though I wrote it like two years ago before I even got to WordPress, hence the lousy formatting transfer. So I decided to search dragon tales on Google and see if my blog came up. It didn’t. I went through like 10 pages and no sign of Alice anywhere. So just . . . wtf? I did find some other disturbing things. For instance, did you realize there was fan fiction for this show?
It’s weird, guys, it’s really weird being stalked by dragon tales fans. 50 Shades creepers I get, sure, but dragon creepers? I was up late last night chatting with a friend and bounced over to my blog – this was a short time after midnight. I had one visitor and one view and guess what he/she was looking at? Dragon tales. Dun dun dunnnnnn.
I had no idea I was the dragon whisperer, but apparently I am. Maybe I can get a show on Animal Planet. They talk about Bigfoot and mermaids, so the idea of dragons not actually existing will probably not faze them. I should get something out of this, since WordPress doesn’t seem to offer a blog restraining order. But just so you know, dragon tales peeps, I know about you. And I am NOT scared. Nope, not at all.
Okay, maybe a little.
I’ll just check my last blog post really quickly. Oooh, comments, must answer. OMG, she wrote a post on that? Better pop by and check it out or I’ll forget. She referenced someone else. Okay, I’m off to . . .nooooo you are at work. Stop it. This is taking longer than a sec. What are you working on again? Oh, yeah, the exhibit! This is going to be a great exhibit. I love doing these things. Well, parts of them. I can do research forever but eventually I’m going to have to gather it up and make it make sense. I think I’ll look up fashion on Google and see how it compares to fashion at the university for the last century. I’m not sure how humans could actually wear those things. Oh, hey, I got email. I’ll check it really quickly. I got more comments on my post! Wait, that’s my comment. Why are you telling me about my comments, WP, my memory’s not that bad. What was I doing? Oh, right, the exhibit. It’s fine because it’s not due till Spring Break and it’s – crap – Friday is February? Get to work. Okay, so I’ve already got the pages in the yearbooks marked that I want to scan. Hey. Did I mark almost every page of every yearbook? Well, they were all hilarious, er, fascinating pictures and you should include them. I can’t include all of them, there’s not enough room. Narrow it down. Maybe I should just try to scan a few first. Wait, they replaced the scanner software so now after three years I have no idea how to use the scanner. I’ll have to learn how first. Don’t wanna. It’s freaking scary. I guess I could look up the directions for the scanner. The scanner has a facebook page? Woot!
I just got the email today – it was in the JUNK FILE. Always check your junk file, guys. Today’s post, Epic Quests and Crap will appear in the next day or so on Freshly Pressed.
Alice is kind of speechless now. Savor this moment.
This all started with that bloody Daily Post. The nice WP person who is much more computer savvy than I, talked about how you could insert a Google map into one of your posts. And then you could talk about all the places you had been. This would have been pretty lame. Or you could talk about where you wanted to go. I figured that would be more fun, and I could make it really nuts, and travel from Texas to Canada (I hear it’s better) to Mexico (I like the food) to Chile (I like countries with food names) to Antarctica (I like Penguins).
But, predictably, I could not get this feature to work. I tried drawing lines between points and my lines would not work when I wanted to, but worked splendidly when I didn’t want them to do so. And sometimes Google Maps would place markers in the middle of say, the Indian Ocean. I’m not a very good swimmer. Finally, when I was done, Google Maps showed a picture of . . . blue. That was the map. I have no idea what I did.
It doesn’t help that I have absolutely no sense of Geography whatsoever. All those European countries over there are all just floating around hither and yon and I have no idea what all they have in Africa. I did at one time – right after I took my Geography class, but then my brain decided it could dump that file. Who needs that when you can hang onto 5o prepositions (aboard, about, above, across . . .) and the names of all the Cabbage Patch Kids you had as a child. Clearly this info is more important.
Not only do I not know Geography, I don’t even know where I am at any one time. I have no sense of direction, and can get lost in the city I’ve lived either by or in MY ENTIRE LIFE. This is a source of great amusement to my husband, but not so much to me, as I circle around and around the same gas station, trying to find my way to the doctor’s office I’ve visited dozens of times before.
So I figured that since I couldn’t get Google Maps to work, I’d just make my own freaking map. I made a map of Wonderland as it exists in my blog world. Hop down the rabbit hole and take a look.
Just remember: if you get lost, do not ask me for directions.
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 21,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 5 Film Festivals
Wow, there are some awesome stats here. Best one? The search words used most in finding this blog. Never have I seen crackwhore mentioned so cheerfully in an annual report! Thanks everybody for tuning in anyway.
So I was
obsessing thinking about E.L. James again, and wondering what else she was up to these days. Then I read Miss Four Eyes’ blog post about spam and decided to check my own folder. As it turns out, James is spamming my blog. Though she used sneaky pseudonyms, I’m pretty sure it’s her. Who else has such a way with words? Observe.
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It’s true, I do write about stuff. I’m sure I’ll post more stuff like these really soon. Thanks.
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I always love to hear about people seeking forward to reading. But I’m not sure I should operate, as I don’t have one of those degree thingys.
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I’m thinking this is in another language. Like possibly Klingon. I did recognize a couple words in there. Like direct. I wonder what she’s trying to sell me.
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Who knew James was a poet?
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I’m beginning to think James doesn’t really read my blog.
Well, that’s all for now. It was so nice of James to leave me all those comments, when I haven’t left her one! I did see that I could
bother follow her on Twitter. I’m sure she has much interesting light in which we can observe the reality. I am seeking forward to hearing from her soon.
As if that’s different from my others, right? I thought I might warn any potentially new people here. You know, like one of those unfortunate people who found my blog by looking for toy cars that go bumpy bump. (Sadly, yes, that was one of my search terms. Whoops.)
Anyway, you know how sometimes stuff isn’t fair? Like life? And stuff? Yeah, that’s my problem. I realize how lucky I am. I have friends and followers and no one has shut me down yet for being inappropriate and so far random illnesses haven’t killed me blah blah blah. The stomach X-ray I just had yesterday, after having had Demon Stomach Flu From the Outer Rim of Evil, did not show that I was dying anytime soon. There were no Monsters Inside Me. Like parasites that can make your brain protrude out of your eyeball. I think maybe I should stop watching that show.
So back to the point that’s here somewhere. I decided to look at the Freshly Pressed blogs the other day, even though none of the important people (ie people in my circle) were pressed. At least that I know of yet. But Love and Lunchmeat informed me that there was a post up there with boobies in the title. So OF COURSE I had to go check that one out. And while I was there, I looked at some others too. One struck my eye. I will not name the blog or blogger, but there was a post on this blog that, let’s say, slightly pissed me off. Basically, the blogger was explaining how she had been pressed four times.
Did you get that?
And how it was like, no big deal? Not like it’s hard! No, really, this was mentioned in the post. And Alice thought a lot of things. She did. She had nice quiet, contemplative thoughts about life, the universe, and WTF??? Just, really, WTF? I’ve heard of it happening twice. But four times? Really, WordPress? Out of the bazillions and bazillions of blogs out there, one of them needed it four times.
Alice admits she had not nice thoughts about this that involved bad words and possibly unauthorized use of some forms of machinery. She did. And not JUST because she has never been pressed despite being here for slightly longer than oh yeah two months (as another freshly pressed blog was that particular day). Not that I noticed this, mind you. Not at all. No, because if Alice isn’t going to get pressed, then some other blogs she reads darn sure ought to be, at least before some blogs have it done over and over and over and over again.
Because Alice is nothing if not unselfish. As Kid Rock said to President Obama in a breaking news story yesterday, “If you don’t stand for something, you don’t stand for nothing.” Wise words, there, Kid. Since I have no other way to end this complaint, I’ll ask Squirrel.