Tag Archives: wtf am I doing?

Post? What Post?

This post is hereby dedicated to all the posts I forgot to do.  The ideas I said I’d surely continue but never did.  I’m not sure if anyone has noticed this, but about the only ‘series’ I have actually finished is 50 Shades.  That’s a bit sad.  I’m not sure if I have ADD – but I do know I have CRC (can’t remember crap).  Fortunately, either my readers also have CRC or they just don’t care if I finish or not.  But just for the heck of it, I thought I’d bring up the number of ideas I had and then abandoned.  Thanks to this guy.

What'd I do?  Huh?  Got any nuts?

What’d I do? Huh? Got any nuts?

I started with this October and worked my way backwards, cause that’s how I roll.  Backwards.  Anyway, I’m not sure if anyone noticed, but I never did go back and finish the movie recap of this little gem:

I just know you're on the edge of your seat waiting.

I just know you’re on the edge of your seat waiting.

Oddly enough, I have not heard any clamor for, hey, Alice, you only did the first like 15 minutes of this movie!  We really want to see more!  Like more of Jeremy Irons and his No Good, Very Bad Day.

Why, Jeremy, why?

Why, Jeremy, why?

But that’s not all!  Surely you guys remember . . .

Boppo!

Boppo!

My little creation from the disturbed computer game The Sims 2.  haven’t tortured this guy in AGES.  My kids have been most disappointed because I am apparently raising them to be virtual killing machines.  Anyway, I do intend to get back to Boppo eventually, but I got distracted by a little side project that I think you might enjoy even more.  Here’s a sneak peek.

Only think little virtual dolls rather than real ones . . .

Only think little virtual dolls rather than real ones . . .

Who else have I forgotten?  Well, this lady technically belongs on the Wonder Twins blog (see above in the headings for yet another plug for my other blog) but she has been strangely absent.

Mary Alice, where are you???

Mary Alice, where are you???

I’m not sure if the cleaning fumes got to her or she finally had a complete meltdown, killed her husband with a frying pan, and then ran off to the nuthouse.  More likely she’s just still vacuuming.  On the plus side, Marlene has been keeping up appearances.  Marlene is a lot more interesting.  Maybe Mary Alice should find the trampier side of Sears.

Another thing you’ve been missing but you probably haven’t realized you have, which is highly dangerous for your astrological welfare, is my horoscope readings.

Is Jupiter aligned with Mars?  How will you ever know without ME?

Is Jupiter aligned with Mars? How will you ever know without ME?

Just because I get my predictions from the likes of Dove candy wrappers and my own feverish brain does not mean they are any less accurate than the ones you get in your daily paper.  Your newspaper.  You know, it’s made out of newsprint and they throw it on your sidewalk and . . . what’s newsprint?  Oh, never mind.

Speaking of people who can’t read anything longer than a Cosmo article (this includes me), there’s Bambi!  And Dick Head!  The stars of my 50 Shades parody (I swear I can write about other stuff.  Maybe.).

It's me, Bambi, not just another recycled picture you sillies!

It’s me, Bambi, not just another recycled picture you sillies!

I wrote parodies of the first two books but the last one remains unfinished.  It could be because every book in the real series is just a repeat of the one before that, but still.  If I finished the real books, I should finish further insulting James with my parody.  Right?

Oh and there were others, like my weight loss quest (pfft) and my yoga to make me relax quest (double pfft) and so on.  I’m not sure when or if I’m getting back on that horse.  Horses.  Whatever.  Anyway, this was basically the equivalent of a flashback TV show where they insert a bunch of old crap rather than coming up with new stuff, only this post has even less production value.

I guess what I’m wondering is – is there something else to write about?  Should I finish what I started?  I know, if you had ideas, you’d be using them on your blog, right?  But think about it.  Probably your blog doesn’t have much room for squirrels, ponies and buttplugs, but mine does!  So if you have ideas, or you just want me to shut up already, please say so in the comments below.

This Post For Rent

For some time now, Monday has been my day to write reviews of the Books That Shall Not Be Named.  While that series was excruciating, I never really had to think.  I just read stupid crap and vomited on the page pretty much.  But now I’m supposed to think of stuff.  Or stuph, if you read twindaddy, and you should because that guy can think up posts like crazy.  Also he’s a storm trooper, and they’re cool.

I’ve got Wednesday covered.  Hump day is all about – get your mind out of the gutter – it’s all about exercise.  Of various forms.  Snort.  Yoga is my current obsession and you’ll see more of that when we get to the hump.  Day.  The hump day.  Crap.

I’ve had thoughts. Since Speaker 7 has the dating shows covered (read her reviews of the Bachelor, Bachelor Pad, Splash, Pad of Bachelors Splash, Stupid Barbies in Tiny Boxes, etc.) I thought I’d try to conquer reviewing shows on TLC.  This station is chock full of total crap that just begs to be made fun of, or beaten with a bat.  One of my favorite shows lately is My Strange Addiction.  If you haven’t seen this show before, you really must check it out.  There are people with some fabulous new diets out there.  They eat toilet paper, deodorant, dryer sheets, tire pieces, cat hair (I’m not kidding about any of these) and much, much more!

Hmm, does this deodorant have antioxidants?

Hmm, does this deodorant have antioxidants?

But TLC was not satisfied with merely showing strange addictions.  They decided make a totally new and original show called My Secret Obsession, which is about people collecting stupid things like Barbies and pigs.  I haven’t seen them eat the stuff yet, but it’s still early in the show.  Besides these interesting habits, they talk about women who produce babies like gumball machines, women who didn’t realize they contained gumballs, women popping one or more gumballs out in detail, and women who spend more time shopping for wedding dresses than most people spend on house shopping.  Truly, this is the Learning Channel.

TLC isn’t the only station I’m fascinated with, for there is also Lifetime.  They bill Lifetime as the network for women, probably because most of the shows are about women killing men, or men beating the crap out of women, and you know we gals just eat that kind of shit up!  Often these shows are based on true stories of stupidity, crime, abuse, and general insanity.  True = Educational.

I feel so empowered.

I feel so empowered.

And I’m sure there are more terrible books out there.  Sure I could read actual good books, and I do from time to time, but where’s the fun in that?  I’m waiting for the next E.L. James now.  While I wait, I could come up with a parody.  I’ve had one simmering in my mind a while.  No real details yet, but I do have the main characters.  Richard (Dick) Peen and Bambi Vagina.  I’m thinking of setting it in China, since I know almost nothing about this country.  What do you think?

Yes, I know I’m crazy, but that’s what I’ve got so far.  So . . . what do you think?  Let me know in the comments or shoot me an email (my addy is on my All About Alice Page).  I’m off to have a deodorant snack.

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson 10

Wow, we’re back.  Did you enjoy your Christmas (or whatever) vacations, boys and girls?  Did you get lots of good toys?  You know what I mean (wink, wink), hahahahahaha – oh shit, I hate these books.

But no one said school was supposed to be easy.  No, it’s supposed to be hard.  So hard.  So hard you could etch glass, that’s how hard.  It’s a new semester, and almost a new year, and we have like 500 chapters more to go of this book and wow I’m starting to wish we covered Moby Dick, aren’t you?  Why the hell did he name that whale that?  Is there something Melville knows that we don’t?

A “cuddly” classic – just like 50 Shades.

Anyway, speaking of classics, we return to 50 Shades of Shite.  In case you’ve forgotten (I know I sure as hell tried to) last we left Ana-kins, she had disobeyed her master and peed all over the floor.  I mean, she went out drinking with a friend.  And she came back to find Jack Hyde tied up on the floor, which was weird, cause normally it’d be her tied up while Christian whacked her with a newspaper.  And we wondered what Christian’s reaction to this intruder would be.

Well, he doesn’t shoot everybody (damn it), and he obviously doesn’t do something wacky like get better security.  Which leaves B) he wants to beat the shit out of Ana.  While I admit this is a natural reaction to meeting Ana, it seems an odd one considering the circumstances, but what do I know?  Except that Barbara Walters said the writer of this crap-o-la was the one of the most fascinating people of 2012.  Lesbiannextdoor brought us that terrible news, if you’ll recall:

“Also – did you hear that E.L. James is one of Barbara Walters’ 10 most fascinating people of 2012?! I think the Mayans might be right! If this terrible 7th grade level writing can not only make her a millionaire, but also get Barbara Walters to call her “fascinating” the wold MUST be coming to an end!”

If only, Les, if only.  Have a bonus point.  Okay, since we’re still here, let’s get to it.  Right away, we find out Hyde isn’t dead, he just turned into Jekyll and got in through the service entrance.  I can’t remember anyone doing that before oh wait yeah I do and her name was Leila.  Awesome security there, dumbasses (facepalm).  The Scooby team also hasn’t restrained him yet, cause they don’t have rope.  Who could possibly have something like that OH I KNOW.  Ana saves the day by producing cable ties (facepalm). Thank God she was there.  I’m surprised she didn’t also bring handcuffs, a ballgag, and a buttplug just for funsies (facepalm).

Ana thinks these are a "marital device".

Ana thinks these are a “marital device”.

We also find out that – dun dun dun – Jack had a gun!  This is a huge shock cause how weird for a criminal to break in to an apartment while armed (facepalm).  Then Ana says something oddly sensible, ie that they should call the fucking cops.  She thinks hey she wasn’t there so she didn’t get kidnapped so maybe she won’t be in trouble.  With her husband, not the guy that just broke in (RedFlag).  Keep it straight, you guys.

Ana can’t reach Our Hero because he was madfaced and turned off his phone so theres Ana! (RedFlag)  The detective comes and leaves (like who cares he’s not Christian, gawd) and Ana goes to bed.  She wakes up to find Christian burning a hole into her skull with his eyeballs. (RedFlag)  Ana asks if he’s still madfaced at her for going out and he says he is SO MAD so Ana crawls in his lap. (AnaFail, WTF)  They cuddle, and he plays with her hair and whispers lovingly in her ear “I want to punish you . . . really beat the shit out of you.” (Fucking red flag!)  Gawd, that is so romantic.

Your skin is so soft- let me wear it as a coat.

Your skin is so soft- let me wear it as a coat.

Next morning Ana tries to sexytimes him (sexytimes), but he is still mad – at her – for not being there to be kidnapped by Jack. (RedFlag, facepalm)  We get to hear Ana’s discussion with Mrs. Jones  about what she wants for breakfast– it’s an omelet.  With mushrooms and spinach.  And cheese.  I just thought you should know that, since James felt the need to point it out. (BoredNow) Ana asks Christian if she can take her own car (AnaFail) and nope, but Ana is just relieved he’s letting her go to work (AnaFail, RedFlag).  What a guy.  Christian is not too pissed to shove his tongue down Ana’s throat as a goodbye, before going back to being pissed again. (WTF, RedFlag)

Ana gets to work and just in time for more emails! (AliceScreams)

Why the emails?  Look at kitteh!  Look at her!

Why the emails? Look at kitteh! Look at her!

She wonders whether he came back because of the intruder or her having a drink.  Lemmie think here.  They email back and forth with this question (AliceScreams, BoredNow) and finally Ana tells him off in an email.  Way to grow an online spine, Ana-kins!  I’m sure this will have a positive effect on your reasonable husband (facepalm)

She meets with the detective again for like two sentences cause like who cares about that shit? (facepalm) Then she leaves work, having completed two Elmo pictures that both got smiley faces.  Productive day.  She gets home to find Christian in those pants (AliceScreams) – the ones from the playroom.  Christian says, “Good to have you home.  I’ve been waiting for you.” (RedFlag)  Bwahahahahaha.

Final Score: 100 – 46 60 = -6

She ALMOST made it to Double Jeopardy, but Alex is still not impressed.

 

Here we go again.

Here we go again.

Question Ten:

Next time, on the Dumb and the Brainless . . .

Christian sexytimes tortures Ana – again.  And Ana has to yell the safeword, which is . . .

A) Red

B) Popsickle

C)Feminism is dead

But WAIT, there’s more!  Exciting times, you guyz.  We have new students who may or may not know they’re students.  Susan L Daniels and RoS, poets extraodinaire who I have led to the darkside of literature.  Yay, me.  Also, there has been an inbalance in the Force!  Jill has assumed the lead, folks.  It is neck and neck or “down there” and “down there” or . . . what the hell am I saying?

Roll Call!

GiggsMcGill Jill 28 + 4 = 32

faithhopechocolate 29 + 2 = 31

Storkhunter 28 + 1 = 29

MissFourEyes 22 + 4 = 26

Speaker7 20 + 2 = 22

Ravinj 20 + 1 = 21

Carrie Rubin  19

Lesbiannextdoor 11 + 2 + 1 = 14

Love and Lunchmeat 9

Doggy’s Style  7 + 1 = 8

TAE 5 + 2 = 7

The Bumble Files 6

Jemmy 6

Angel Fractured 5

StetotheJ 5

Ruby Tuesday 4

Jen and Tonic 4

Susan L Daniels 3

Womanmdsguide 2

Lovelifelaundry 2

Lulu Stark 2

RoS 1

SueOctober 1

Madame Weebles 1

Society Red 1

prttypnk 1