Adventures in the Doctor’s Office

Tuesday Morn.  I drop the kids off and deliriously drive home.  Must wait till 11:15 doctor appointment.  Turn on T.V.  Another TLC gem.  “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.”  Seriously.  Seriously?  How do you not know there is another human in your body?  I don’t care if there aren’t normal signs or whatever we are talking another human being moving around in there.  And how are there enough people this out of touch to make an entire series?  I just . . . I . . . nevermind.

Every woman on this show.

I get to the clinic and wait.  And wait.  The T.V. is on here too, and guess what it’s turned to?  What are all TVs turned to in this area?  Fox News of course.  Joy.  Utter joy.  At the moment, leggy blond reporter is talking to fat bald white guy and another leggy blond about how much Obama has messed up.  Something to do with him not talking to this Israeli guy when he should have been talking to him because good presidents do that and they certainly do not go on the View to talk to “The Women” said condescendingly by “A Woman” who apparently forgot she was one.  I’m thinking they are all irritated that they weren’t invited on a real talk show.  There is much wink-wink, quotation marks, none-to-subtle innuendo, and outright slurs.  Professional News Reporting at its finest.

I am stuck listening to over an hour and a half of that stupid station.  I start feeling low blood sugar (you really have to feed me regularly or watch out) so I ask the receptionist for hard candy.  I get a strawberry sucker that is really quite good, at least when you’re famished.  Finally, I am called in.  Apparently they put me on the schedule, but there are two schedules, and they forgot (shocked) to put me on the one the doctors use, so yeah, I wasn’t on their schedule. Great.   I sit in the exam room.  And sit.  And hack like a dying moose. And sit a little more.

What to do, what to do?  I start to feel like Curious George.  Remember that book where the monkey swallows a puzzle piece so they X-ray him and cut him open (and I bet that monkey was on Medicaid too) and then put him in a room with sick children?  Awesome medical practice there.  Anyway, like George, I have been left on my own and decide to entertain myself.  Turns out they have all these free samples up on the counter.  Popsickle sticks, cotton swabs, gauze, plenty of fun with crafts right there!  But I decide not to take any, because Thing 2 already can come up with enough craft ideas to last most children a lifetime in a single afternoon.

There’s also the blood pressure pump, and the instruments he sticks in your ear and up your nose where he pretends he actually sees stuff beside gross old snot. But that’s about it.  This is a very unexciting doctor’s office.  Clearly I have not packed properly for this journey.  My purse offers nothing interesting, despite weighing about 14 pounds.  But see, last time I went as a walk-in, and got in and out in like half an hour.  This time I have an appointment, and so far I’ve been here six years.  Okay, two and a half hours.  Luckily, I grabbed another sucker before getting shuttled in here, so at least I have that for provisions.

Example: Tissue Paper Yurt

It occurs to me that that survival expert on the Discovery Channel, Bear, would be most disappointed in my survival skills.  (That’s his name.  He’s not an actual bear.  Though that would make it a more interesting show.)  I have no heat, no food and no shelter.  Luckily fever keeps me from freezing in the office, so being a portable heater does have its uses.  If pressed, I could create a very weak pup tent with that anti-germ paper they scroll on the exam table.  But what would you use for a heat source if needed?  I spy an electrical outlet.  Great.  Now I just need a long metal stick and someone dumb enough to poke it.  But still no food.  I’m not sure if I can make any traps, or if I’d want to eat anything I might trap in a doctor’s office.

Then I have another brilliant idea.  Ask the locals.  I peek out and beg for a coke.  And I get one!  And it is so cold it is the most amazing coke ever in the history of the universe.  They also give me part of a package of Ritz crackers.  No idea where those were scavanged from.  Possibly the lunch of my nurse, who is the epitome of awesome, because not only is she competent, she recognizes that her patients are actual humans.  Remarkable, I know.  She also gets her very determined nobody-messes-with-my-patients- face when I tell her that the NP wouldn’t see me twice at the urgent care side of the clinic.  I wonder if someone’s going to get a hand slap?  Hope so!

Okay, I’m getting really bored now.  Hacking until your lower abdomen threatens to split open like a teddy bear slashed in two is only entertaining for so long.  I decide to cast 50 Shades of Grey based on the office staff.  Ana is easy.  There is this receptionist I call ponytail twit girl (because she wears an itty bitty ponytail and she’s a twit).  She rolled her eyes when I informed her that I have arranged something with the nurse already, as if I was saying I knew Elvis personally or something.  Twit.  So perfect Ana right there.

Christian Grey is harder.  Now my doctor is young and nice-looking, and I’m assuming he’s well-off based on my visits alone.  But he’s just too, you know, decent and normal and human.  Finally, I decide to cast the NP that refused to see me that night despite there being no one else in the waiting room, because that sounds like the sort of thing Christian Grey would do.

Bored again.  I drink my coke and eat my crackers.  The doctor comes in and examines me.  You’ll never, never guess, but my lungs sound perfect.  But obviously, I’m sick, because I hack at him and I think maybe I’m making even him nervous.  So I get blood work done.  I happen to be a pro at this because I have this giant vein on the inside of my left arm.  Yeah, I’ve been complimented on it often.  It’s pretty impressive, vein-wise.  She sucks the blood out and wraps some sticky stuff on me and yay I am back in the room again.

The doc decides that my blood says something blah blah virally something blah yeah we’re not totally sure blah.  I told them I needed something better than that for missing a week and a half of work.  Viral Pneumonia is written on my doctor’s note for work, and I’m offered antibiotics and this is the best part!  A shot!  I know, most people are not excited about this, but I know shots work faster.  I didn’t realize it would be a terminator shot, though.  This was one massive shot.  But I got it, they called in my medicines, and at last I was racing out the door, after only four and a half hours!

Maybe not racing.  But I was out at least.  Now I expected to feel better in no time.

Wednesday: Still not better.  I have never been sick so long, ever.  On the plus side, I think I spat up a lot more of the Mucus people today, so maybe their vacation will be over soon, if not mine.  We’ll see what happens tomorrow.

Thursday: Still sick.  I go back to the doctor, you know, that place where everybody knows your name!  At first I’m told there’s nothing for me, but then the doctor clears his schedule just for me and my dying whale bellows.  They decide to do a chest Xray.  Doctor is so surprised! I swallowed a puzzle piece!  Not really, but the doctor is actually giddy, which is kinda strange when speaking of lungs.  He brings me in and points at this black shadow over my lung. I’m assuming I am not dying as if I were, this would be seriously inappropriate.  No, I have a massive pneumonia in the right lung.  And the doctor keeps saying “But you have such great oxygen levels! 96 percent!  How the heck do you have oxygen?  You have some really great reserve systems. I mean, your blood count was normal too but wow, look at that!”  It’s really simple, doc.  My own body is trying to gaslight me.

Well, it’s determined, and after only a week of this crap, that maybe their current treatment plan has not been working all that well.  (This is why they go to medical school, you guyz).  They decide to put me in the hospital, but first I get another test called a CT test, which is super fun because you lay in this flying saucer thing with blinking lights like something out of Star Trek and they take pics of you while the doctor carefully stands outside and says not to worry.

After all of that, my dh drives me to the hospital for the next leg of my exciting adventure.  I’m starting to run out of legs.  Stay tuned next time for: Curious Alice visits the hospital.

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33 responses

  1. Ugh so sorry you’re going through this. Good luck. I have been through my own medical crap lately and I’m supposed to get a CT scan (but I haven’t made the appointment yet because I even manage to procrastinate health).

    1. Medical crap is fun. The CT scan is not bad as far as tests go. You just lie in a flying saucer and think of England.

  2. Why is it that misery is such good fodder for comedy? In the words of the Great Buffett (that’s Jimmy, not Warren): If we couldn’t laugh we would all go insane.

    Just don’t laugh too hard if it makes it harder to breathe.

    Also, aren’t antibiotics kind of pointless against a virus? I tend to annoy doctors with questions about the efficacy of their treatment in light of evolutionary medicine.

    1. I think the docs didn’t know what it was so they were just throwing stuff at it, like the Enterprise shooting lasers and photon torpedos at the space anomaly hoping that something sticks.

  3. Uh oh a doctor excited over a scan is never a good sign! lol I hope the nasty mucus people and their comrades the pneumonia clan finish their holiday in your lungs very soon, they can’t be allowed more than two weeks on holiday the rest of us aren’t! *puts on a surgical mask* ((hugs)) xx

    1. No kidding. This is longer than any real vacation I’ve ever had.

  4. I hope that you are feeling better soon. There is nothing worse than sickness, especially with mental health disorders. It preys on both your body, and your mind.

    And as for “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant”, seriously?! I mean, c’mon, seriously?! It occurred to me before my missed period when taking a shower felt like someone was cracking my chest with a baseball bat! Oh, and the fourteen hours of sleep I suddenly required. Far beyond the norm, I’ll tell you that.

    And if they *really* didn’t have any symptoms, then I have to really dislike them. Because I had a really hard pregnancy, darn it. Wouldn’t it have been nice to just not notice pregnancy?

    1. Yes. I think a sick w/ depression post would be good on Canvas. Reg person sick they think this sucks. Depressed person sick thinks ZOMG I is dying.

      Yes, I definitely knew I had babies in there – or something anyway. Aliens would be a good movie to show teens as a warning.

      1. I wrote a post on my old blog about that awhile ago. I called it Somatopsychic, which basically means a somatic illness causing strain on mental health.

        I thought I was depressed, because I started sleeping a lot. It was the summer, so it was natural that I couldn’t breathe with all of the ozone action days. It turned out that I had been running around with walking pneumonia for four weeks. Imagine that!

      2. Lulu,

        Do you have a link to that Somatopsychic post or anything else related to it? Thanks. Also I should look into insomnia, as I am writing this at midnight.

  5. Oh my goodness! I am so sorry to hear this Alice! (Especially the part about you having to watch FOX news 😉 ) Get better soon!

    1. Yes, the Fox News was the worst. Why is that always on????

  6. I think you should sue ELJames for medical fees.

    1. Me too. She should have a LOT of lawsuits pending.

      1. Get the Speaker and [insert names of other victims here] and get that Class Action Suit under way…let’s see those

        50 Shades of the Defendant

        oO

  7. I don’t know which is worse, a doctor frowning at your x-rays or getting excited over them. Either way, I’m still thinking “Hello! I’m DYING here!!”
    I hope you get better real soon (even though I can’t wait for Curious Alice visits the hospital!)

    1. Doctors are just weird, which is why they’re doctors. I saw more of this at the hospital.

  8. Is your large vein a surface vein? Because I have one on my right arm, and oftentimes the medical personnel will get excited about how prominent it is then tell me it’s not good for drawing blood because of its prominence, lol.

    Well, hope you feel better soon!

    1. They say it’s good for drawing blood, but they still took blood out of a dozen different places, just for kicks.

  9. Holy exploding mucous, Alice!! I hope you don’t die. I would get the sads if you did. Are you sure fFox News didn’t make you sicker by first making you dumber? I hear that happens a lot and why there’s a dumb epidemic sweeping the nation.
    Anyway, I’m worried about you. Get well. We need your snarky arse around.

    1. I would get the sads too if I died. Well, maybe not. I has the sads now, though. Fox News does make people dumber, which is why we have candidates like Mittens. I am trying to get my snarky arse back around.

  10. I do hope you are feeling better soon…but, damn, woman–stop making suffering so damned funny. i have never said this before to anyone not delivering a baby that they are aware of–but can’t WAIT until you share your hospital thing…

    1. I have some fun birth stories too. They made Thing One decide she was adopting.

  11. Holy crap! I thought aliens had kidnapped you! Feel better?

    Oh and yeah ok maybe those chicks on the show don’t know they are PG (just go with me on this) but didn’t they think something was wrong? Like holy crap my insides are moving maybe I should go to the dr.? If I was stupid enough to not to think I was having a baby when I was pregnant, I would have at the very least thought I was dying!

    1. I knew I was pregnant and I still thought I was dying. Yes I think these ladies were visiting a river in Egypt. Or else they watched Fox News too much.

  12. I hope you start feeling better soon. You’re posts are hilarious even when you’re sick! I am impressed, LOL 😀 Get well soon. 🙂

    1. Thank you. I am trying. Never invite the Mucus people in. They never leave.

      1. LOL, I know! I have chronic sinus issues and allergies. Endless mucous is so gross.

        1. Tell me about it. I am allergic to everything, including myself.

  13. Ooh poor Alice. Hope you feel better now. At least you can say ”I told you so”. And BTW my mother was pregnant without knowing it. She is a bit of an idiot though.

    1. Huh. When did she figure it out? “I have to go potty and OMG”? I will have to check out your blog when I am weller or however you say this.

  14. […] I think.  I’m not actually sure.  I went to that doctor place (If you will recall last fall I wrote all about it and included instructions on how to make your own yurt out of the paper they put on the examining […]

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