Monthly Archives: November, 2016

New coping method: morbid humor

I was feeling a little down and maybe a teensy bit scared what with the country supposedly electing a giant orange cheeto racist sexist xenophobic highly dangerous manbaby to office.  Then, bit by bit, I started letting myself watch political comedy.  It’s where I get most of my news because at least they deliver it with less of a blow.

Well as much as possible as one can do that.

Anyway, I realized that I didn’t have to just hide in my blanket fort.  That’s not because things are all better now.  It’s not because everything is going to be okay.  It’s because you have to survive somehow, and I’ve survived quite a few unfunny things including chronic illness, depression, and anxiety with humor.  My post about my pneumonia got some of the best responses ever.  I was hilarious in my suffering.  Okay, not so much at the time. But when you look at life, there is madness, there is cruelty, but there is also that hope and love crap, and there is always a certain degree of the absolute ridiculous.  We live in Wonderland, now more than ever.

Alice meets Trump and Pence.

Alice meets Trump and Pence.

You might be asking “But, Alice, how can you call the crappery he is dishing out humorous?  He wants to register Muslims!  He wants to reverse all progress on civil rights!  He influences people to write “Trump” on Starbucks cups!”  Some people have talked about how to handle this.  Donate to a planned parenting clinic, or a support center for gay rights, or whatever other thing he’s planning on destroying in the next few years.  And that’s a good thing, but for me, I want something that gives people like our president-elect more of a kick in the . . . pants.

More on that in a bit.  I watched a clip of the Late Show, where Stephen Colbert, like so many of the rest of us, possibly even like Trump himself, is trying to make sense of what just happened.  No one knows, but the good thing is that while some of the stuff Trump wants to do, or at least is not opposed to doing, is truly horrible, there is quite a bit that is truly stupid, and as you know, I like to laugh at stupid people.

Stop being mean, Alice, stop ittttt!

Stop being mean, Alice, stop ittttt!

Here’s just a few:

Twitter:  The dufus is still tweeting.  And his tweets are just as intellectual as ever.  Like in response to the protests in the street, there was “Unfair.”  When a reporter asked one of his representatives why he was still tweeting, the man replied “Because it relaxes him.”  Right.  Ever thought of giving him a puzzle?  Maybe cookies and juice?  A nice long nap?  No?  Okay let him tweet.

Alone time: Trump tried to sneak out for a private dinner, avoiding the reporters. This would have been easier without the line of secret service cars running along with him.  You know how you wanted to be in the spotlight?  Now you are!  Every single second!  Enjoy!

Starbucks: Trump supporters, unhappy that the CEO of Starbucks endorsed Hillary Clinton, have decided to tell Starbucks employees to write “Trump” on their cups by way of protest.  Yes, you heard right. They are boycotting a coffee house by buying more overpriced coffee.  Nevermind the complete logic gap, what I find most amusing is that there are still Trump supporters.  I have something to say to these very confused people.

Psst: You won.  You can stop now.

What they don’t seem to realize is that, like when Obama was elected, people must eventually accept the peaceful transfer of power.  But they don’t have to enjoy it, and they don’t have to be nice about it either.  Yes, throwing bottles and lighting things on fire are not good, but for the most part, the protests have been peaceful. And there is more than one way to protest.  As Trevor Noah of The Daily Show said, while we cannot block this idiot, we can troll him.

Welcome to Hades, troll!

Welcome to Hades, troll!

And troll we will.  After one comedy show, I saw this comment, and I think it is awesome.

“The jokes are better now than they were for the last three months. Trump’s Presidency is going to be one hilarious moment after another until will all die.”

Think of it like a water slide.  There are going to be lots of twists and turns and you’re gonna hit some obstacles like say giant razor blades, but you don’t know when they are coming because you can’t see too far ahead, and you don’t want to, so you might as well enjoy the ride while you can.  And as far as the fear that Trump raises in people, fear I do not laugh at, I have this to say.

Trump wants all Muslims to register?  Here’s the plan.  It’s so simple, that I wish I had thought of it.  We all register Muslim.  Every one of us.  Of course we aren’t all really Muslim, but let him figure out which ones are which, and see how well that goes.  Even Megyn Kelly was freaked out about the idea of basing a registry of a group of people off the freaking Japanese Internment camps.  Same lady who argued that Santa and Jesus were white!.  If she’s freaked out, then a lot of other people are going to be as well.

This Megyn.  She's already regretting so many life choices.

This Megyn. She’s already regretting so many life choices.

That up there – registering as Muslim to protect other Muslims, is not a hashtag.  It’s an action.  And there are more actions you can take.  Remember how I mentioned you could donate to threatened organizations like Planned Parenthood or the Human Rights Campaign?  You totally should donate – even if it’s a dollar – and then, just like the Starbucks people, you should donate in someone else’s name.

Like Trump.  Or Pence.  Or anybody else you want.  They’ll get a thank you card in the mail. And won’t they be pleased!  You can even do this for your alt-right friends and family at Christmas, though I recommend not actually being there when the gift arrives.  Remember many of these people have guns.

So we aren’t helpless here.  We are in an awful situation, but we are not helpless.  And to those who are most at risk, they do not have to be alone. Because we are America.  And we can stand together to protect those who need it.  But don’t forget to get your jollies in at the same time.

Trump and Pence and their cronies are going to make a lot of people they hate very happy this year.

~Alice

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Live From the Blanket Fort: Of Dancing Spoons and Disappointed Napkins

Yes, it’s me. I’m still here. And this – this is still happening. But don’t worry, for I am not scared. No, I don’t have tickets to Canada to live with their free health care and hottie Prime Minister, importance not necessarily in that order. But I have protection. Witness the aforementioned blanket fort.

My bunker.

My bunker.

Notice that it is stocked with all needed provisions for the next four years.  I have a bottle of cola, pop tarts, microwave popcorn, pillows, blankets, Disney movies, and animal familiars for possible future witchcraft.  Thanks to Thing Two for her assistance with my safe house here.  Thing one was busy at the high school musical, Beauty and the Beast. She was the star.  She played a spoon.  I think there was some chick named Belle in there too.

More on that later.

I had to pick her up, and the fort was still there, and my husband was due home from church.  So I called him and explained that there was a blanket fort in the living room.  It went like this.

Me: Hi, honey, there’s a blanket fort in the living room.

Husband: A what?

Me: A blanket fort.  I have to go pick up Thing One, but we’ll clean it up later.

Husband: A blanket floor?

Me: There’s a mess in the living room.  Be back soon!

So I got my daughter from her very last performance.  I think you need to understand exactly what these costumes are like.  As soon as I get some pictures back (I didn’t have my camera with me of course) I will post them (with her lovely face blanked out) because you have to see this thing.  Think giant, thick, board (real board not that cardboard stuff) made in the shape of a spoon, strapped to her back in several places, with the spoon head sticking out far over her head.  She danced in this thing.  I can’t even imagine.  On the plus side, her posture should be great now.

And I have to say, I enjoyed the play immensely.  Now this may be a surprise, but I sort of like Disney, especially this particular movie.  And the Broadway version is way better.  But I had my doubts as these were high school kids who dealt with a change in directors in the very middle of a musical that involves a heavy amount of dancing and singing in big numbers because this is Disney and they do everything on speed.

Yet they surprised me, to my delight.  Everything was fabulous.  Gaston was short, but they even put in jokes about that.  At one point his wig was knocked partly off – he tossed it back on and kept going.  I missed the second performance when the beast lost his wig after being stabbed by Gaston, and Belle fell upon him in despair, and probably to cover up the wig mishap while the kids backstage stifled laughter.  But honestly, mostly this was a grade A performance. Belle was incredible. The Beast was incredible.  The whole cast was amazing and the story and sets fabulous.

I was informed by Thing Two that the sister of a friend came close to playing the part of Belle, but did not get it because “Miss Perfect” did (can’t fault her there, that girl can sing, dance, act, and she’s pretty – some people hit the genetic lottery).  Anyway, the poor girl had to become a napkin.

“You can tell which one she is,” Thing Two explained.  “She’s the most disappointed looking dancing napkin out there.”

I, however, was transfixed through the whole thing, even when my spoon wasn’t on stage.  My husband, brave man that he is, shifted a lot in his seat.  Father of the Year for sitting through not one but two of these three-hour performances.

But I guess this brings me back to how it is the arts that can bring us away from where we are, no matter how horrible we feel that place is.  For three hours, I forgot about the election, about the problems in the world, about everything else.  I was in another world, and I laughed, and I cried, at every bit of it. But when my daughter, my spoon, came out on stage for her numbers, afterward I clapped so hard with pride that my hands hurt.

This is what will get us through.  Writing, humor (sometimes through choked back bile), books, movies . . . and of course, a blanket fort for protection.  Here I am, watching from my fort.

Yes, I am an adult.

Yes, I am an adult.

I may look a bit like Snoopy from the Red Baron mixed up with Ferris from his day off, but I’m still here, darn it. I may be reporting on events from this location for a while. Probably not political events because I am still in the denial stage of grief where I pretend “The Happening” never occurred. But still reporting. Never give up, never surrender.

Never forget pop tarts and coke while hiding in your blanket fort.

~ Alice

Elsa vs Hans: How to Reform an Election

Hello, again.  In case anyone was expecting a conclusion, or just hiding in their blanket forts, I’ve had a headache going on since roughly the beginning of time.  Or possibly this election.  It is pounding, pounding like drums of war and it looks at pain meds like “Bah!”  But nevermind my sinus / tension / help us all headache, I should wrap up the election in Arendelle.  It’s so easy in fairy tales.

arendelle-president-fb1 arendelle-president-fb2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, it’s all over in Arendelle!  They have a queen!  Why is monarchy suddenly sounding better to me now?  Look at our good neighbors in Britain.  I’m pretty sure at this point that Prince George and Princess Charlotte could govern about as well their politicians, and they’re toddlers.  And just think, we’d be descended from King George Washington, and the worst scandal he faced was that cherry tree thing, and we’re pretty sure that was all a set-up.

Wouldn't it be great if we could do this with ALL politicians?

Wouldn’t it be great if we could do this with ALL politicians?

I might be losing it just a tad.  I mean just because the whole thing is over on Tuesday.  Which is – two days from now.  But no need to PANIC.  We should instead be thinking of reform, saying we get through the next four years.  Here are some ideas I had while my head pounded.

  • No more campaign funds from donors or even the candidates’ own personal fortunes.  Each candidate is given 50 dollars from start to finish to finance their campaign.  I’m thinking some trips to the Dollar Store will be in order.  Think poster board and lots of crayons.
  • From start the finish, the campaign season can last, at maximum, 3 months, or roughly as long as the Christmas season.  No more campaigning as soon as a president sits down.  Shut up and start thinking how you’re gonna spread out that 50 bucks, people.
  • No more special interest groups, PACs, corporations, or whatever the heck you’re called influencing the election. They’ve already got their 50 bucks, which is a good enough allowance, so do be quiet, they don’t care about you without your money.
  • Media coverage cannot be bought by either party.  That’s right, media, you have to find your own news!  And just like high school students, you might try citing your work!  There’s not going to be as much to cover, because they will only be here for three months, so you might want to shut off the news occasionally.  It’s okay.  We’ll get by not knowing if former Disney stars are planning to run for president or somehow else destroy their reputation for a few hours.
  • Time to reform the electoral college.  First off, by explaining how it works.  That bad, huh?  Maybe you should try to change it.  You’ve got four years.  Work it out.
  • Only two debates.  One for the primary, one for the actual election.  No more than 5 candidates allowed on stage.  I don’t care how they fight it out, no one listens to more than 3 or 4 of them anyway, so just 5 in the primary.  If anyone acts like a brat in either debate, either by calling names or refusing to answer a question, he or she is sent to the time out hall of shame chair.  If they do it again, they don’t get to come back.  No more debate for you!
  • Candidates are not allowed to say mean things about their rivals.  We have to leave something for the media to do – all on their own.  Candidates can only give detailed plans for beginning to solve stuff like poverty.  Expect a lot of quiet debates until they get used to this.
  • Politicians are only allowed to communicate via those old Mission Impossible tapes that explode after the message is finished.  No more twitter or email ever again.

I know there’s more, so much more, but I’ll leave it at that.  If you have anything to add, please do!  You can find me at  Blanket Fort, Alice’s living room, Alice town, 1234HELP.

~ Alice