BEST NEW HOLIDAY TOY: STICK!
The Christmas season is upon us again! Joy is in the air! So is Covid! So maybe we should just think about what’s most important: toys. We all want toys for Christmas. I don’t care who you are, you want toys, though maybe you adults should keep some of those to yourselves. This is for THE CHILDREN.
Don’t worry, I have invented the best toy ever with the help of my counselor. Well, this wasn’t exactly what she had in mind, but we’ll get to that later. What’s the toy that every kid will want this Christmas?
Stick is an awesome toy, and so versatile. You know how kids really love those “surprise reveal” toys so that they can open something, feel excitement for one second, then disappointment because they didn’t get the surprise they wanted in the surprise toy? Stick is a surprise reveal toy!
That’s not all! There are many STICKS to be found in the mystery rolls! If confused parents would like clue though, Brawny towels tend to have more boys, Sparkle towels more girls, and if you are happy either way Bounty should have you covered!
But what does STICK do, you ask? What does a Barbie do? She sits on her butt until you do something with her! Same with STICK, but there are some suggested activities. Now my counselor whose idea I did not steal for my new invention suggested that you should write a bad thought you have on a sticky note and put it one of the holes. Or shoot it out of the hole. I’m not sure. I’m pretty sure a hole was involved. You can also do it my way.
If you enjoy STICK, and I know you will, you’ll want to buy our other STICK products. Like BABY STICK, so you can have a family of Sticks.
I sense dissent in the ranks. Why buy STICK, Alice, when you are clearly using paper towels, and gross, toilet paper roll holders as toys? I am NOT. These are special. STICK goes in the toy aisle while the paper towels go in the paper towel aisle. Ask any Walmart employee, and they will inform you that there are often things like paper towels in the toy section. Also hamburger meat. Anyway, fun fact, STICK is recyclable nd environmentally friendly! You can use the wrappings to mop up man size spills (is it wrong that I have a thing for the Brawny man even though I can’t see his whole face?) and both wrappings and toy are biodegradable! It’s simply a win-win for everyone, especially me. I mean YOU!
So go on down to your local store and find your own STICK! You’ll be glad you did!
So many to choose from! We got a new strain of Covid for Christmas! Hurry before they are all gone! Seriously!
I wish to apologize to C.C. for this. Happy Holidays!!!!
-Alice
No Buys, Goals, Resolutions, and Crap Like That
Hindsight’s 2019, and on to 2020. Boy am I glad to have 2019 in hindsight, cause it really belongs there with the exception of my new depression treatment. A lot of stupid stuff went on in 2019, and there was a lot out of my control, but also a few things I could have controlled a little better. Like I could have used better coping skills with this mad, mad world, which I’m about to address.
Begone 2019!
Last year I started watching some No-Buy videos on Youtube and reading some articles on Google. A No-Buy month, year, etc. is just what it sounds like – you don’t buy stuff for a certain amount of time. I am very aware that there are people who go on these no buy larks out of pure necessity, and I have been there myself. But most people have at least some disposable income (or take it from another category like coffee for clothing) even if they don’t have money for much else, and that’s what I’m talking about here.
At the current time, only my husband works outside of the home. I was worried for quite a while how we would make it, but ironically with our lovely system, so much was taken out of my check before by the government which then said we had to pay more taxes because we made more money (including the money they were taking out, not what we were taking home) so – it hasn’t made as much of a difference as I thought it would. In some ways, such as Thing One’s college tuition, it actually saved us money because now they consider us as poor as we were back when I worked, and the grants combined with scholarships for her grades paid for both her first and what looks like her second semester’s tuition. And we did that without Bernie paying for college, though he is certainly still welcome to do it.
At least I can pick out Bernie in this group.
Many of the people whose No Buy reports interested me had way too much makeup. There’s even an entire Reddit about this. I don’t have a problem with makeup. I don’t wear it that often now that I’m not working (and I stopped a while before then even). The only time I’ve bought much makeup was when they had a special Disney line of it. Which leads to the problem – Disney. I collect Disney dolls, especially limited edition ones which are, of course, more expensive. My mother collected dolls when I was younger, but I got onto the Disney kick while I was working in order to reward myself. My Things also have their share of dolls, as you know if you’ve read my blog very long and seen us create strange posts with them.
I am not ashamed of my dolls; I enjoy them. Everyone has something they collect, whether it’s car parts (my husband), or makeup, or baseball cards, or cell phones (you don’t need a brand new 1,000 dollar Apple phone each year sorry), etc. etc. I often collect when the thing represents something that matters to me, because I like to see, hear, and touch. I’m horrible at museums. Anyway, Disney movies matter since they all have messages (besides make me more money). I also got into collecting Game of Thrones last year since I really enjoyed the story of Daenerys – at least until that last season but moving on. I got into buying those figures too, and then into the world of Funko Pops.
Quit it with those freakish cute eyes!
Be afraid. There’s one of them for everyone, I don’t care who you are.
Since recently paying off our car, our only debt is our mortgage and medical bills. So I’m not using credit cards (we don’t own one) to finance my problem. I have dipped into our savings, though, which is not very big and consists mostly of what we got from our last tax return. We’ve been fortunate in that people like our church and family have aided with some of the bigger bills such as the dental one (I hate teeth). I’ve found that buying dolls and collectibles often comes up when I’m stressed, or sad, and gives me that brief rush – only to make me feel bad later. You see I have plenty of dolls at this point. I even sold some last year, and I intend on selling more collectibles this year.
But I’m hoping to first stop buying so many of the fancy Disney dolls. One thing that has helped me is to learn more about the psychology of shopping. It’s pretty creepy what advertisers do to lure you in, and we think we’re too smart for it, but fall for it every time. I’ve followed a youtuber who has some interesting videos, and read some books as well. I would like to spend this year enjoying what I have, decluttering my house of what I don’t, and just finding healthier habits than online shopping (which is how I buy most things I don’t need.). With what I save, I hope to put money in savings, pay off bills, and buy other things that would be nice like frames for art (the Things are good artists). My walls are rather bare and depressing at the moment.
For those wanting the “hospital look”, white walls are in.
So I’ve made some plans for the next year.
Yearly Goals
Did someone just shoot at that one guy?
Health: Be healthier overall: keep up with mental health care and other doctor appointments (like asthma etc), more exercise, actual meal plans, better self care, and losing some weight.
Financial: Less spending on dolls and collectibles, fountain drinks, and meals out. More saving, paying off bills, improving my environment, and my self confidence (more flattering clothes, learning new stuff).
Environment: Clear out clutter, clean (and learn more about how to clean properly)
Listing them as somewhat vague yearly resolutions freaked me out, so I will divide them into months.
Month One: January
Real clipart title: Unrecognizable woman adds healthy goal.
Health: 1. Continue my mental health treatment (post on that coming up) 2.Walk more – I need a specific number of steps each day. I’m still recovering from first a sinus infection, and then the antibiotics that made me sicker. But I did spend some Christmas money on a new tracker (gadgets!) which is coming on Friday. Exercise is supposed to be good for body and mind, or so they say. I’ll find out. 4. Write more. Writing is fun, and I like communicating with you guys.
Financial: 1.No spending on dolls and collectibles. 2. Fewer fountain drinks: I’ve mostly drinking the little 8 oz cans of cola rather than getting the drinks from the drive-through. This goes with health too, come to think of it. 3. Get a bill paying system together.
Environment: Work on my bedroom the most, especially my desk and bedside table drawers. Cleaning out my desk will help give me a place for keeping track of bills.
I’m not sure how this is going to work. I’ve already experienced the setback of being sick, so at least I’m prepared for that. As the year progresses, hopefully I can keep up with my goals. One thing that helps is not depriving yourself, which is why I’m not cutting out all pleasures (still have coke for instance). It also helps to have someone to keep you accountable, so I have a couple of friends, my Things, and now you guys.
Do any of you have resolutions or goals for this year?
~ Alice
Oh, Pee Pee Tree and The Greatest Gift of All: A Christmas Story
So it’s finally Christmas Day, and there is much to be thankful for – like that this day will soon be over and eventually your extended family will be gone. Here’s hoping you get into one of those fantastic political conversations that always go so well! Just think positive: Unless you are in a couple of states, it really doesn’t matter what you think or how you vote anyway!
Why am I so relaxed about this? Well, part of it is called Esketamine. It’s a nasal spray. Yes, that’s right, something I snorted into my sinuses has made not only made me happier but more relaxed than I have been in – EVER pretty much. I have always worried, since I was a little girl, and my body has been in permanent fight or flight mode for so long I thought that was how it was. Because while I hadn’t been as sad and stressed as I was when I was working full time, I wasn’t – well anything much. I was still a Mom, yes, but that was about all I could do. I slowly got worse and worse until I didn’t go out. I didn’t take basic care of myself. My house looks like a bomb went off filled with someone else’s crap, cause surely I didn’t buy this? So – I was thinking maybe there might be something more to life than this.
And so I tried the new treatment. And it was like getting glasses for the first time, and realizing I was supposed to see leaves on the trees.
Maybe I should snort something up MY nose.
Did you know the leaves are incredibly beautiful? I mean not when they’re swept into the gutter and filled with gunk, but before that. Listening to Christmas hymns about the birth of new life and hope now fills my formerly anxiety ridden chest with air that expands into ever rising joy. Stuff that used to worry me – like my in-laws on the holidays and how they don’t show up on time and you don’t know who is coming and they talk about how big their guns are (it takes two hands to hold that sucker up! Big Gun! Gun Big!), just floated off of my back this time. I learned the secret, gals. Be like men. Doze off in a chair. It’s amazing how effective that is. I even got offered a bed by my step-mother-in-law later.
Family dinners are always better with drugs!
That’s not all either. You see, last year we lost several Christmas ornaments when our shed got blown over and all those carefully collected ornaments from years past got rain damage. So I put the ornaments in labeled boxes in our craft closet to keep them safe. But then about a week before Christmas it occurred to us that maybe we should put up some decorations or something and we couldn’t find the tree, which is kinda the most important part. After a search of the house, it was still in the shed, only this time it didn’t get rained on – unless you count golden showers. As in the kind that come from tom cats marking their territory.
When ya gotta go, ya gotta go, ‘kay?
Those cats claimed that tree like no one’s business. My husband still brought it in because he’s a guy, and well, he got us a tree didn’t he? Problem solved! Except it still smelled of cat pee. Thing One tried the Lysol trick, but Lysol is no much for tom cat on fake pine. I was not going to put ornaments on that thing, so I mentioned to my parents that hey, our tree got peed on by cats. Can we borrow one of yours? Now my husband is normally dangerously laid back, but for some reason he decided this was the time to put his foot down and say that we were fine, and did not need another tree. Why we loved our pee pee tree; it was OURs.
Again, normally this whole thing would have me much more upset but since I am better (this is Alice on “better”) the first thing I thought of was how I could take that old classic “Oh Christmas Tree” and turn it into “Oh Pee Pee Tree, how smelly are your branches!” And then I could write a post about it. Because who doesn’t think of cat urine when celebrating the holidays?
What this tree needs is a little cat pee!
I was getting tired of the smell though, cause did I mention we also got two more turtles, making the total up to three turtles? No? Well, yeah there are three turtles. And a leopard gecko. I thought that was enough animal for our house without adding another special smell, so finally husband dear agreed to let my parents give us a small 3 foot tree which was just fine with me cause it’d take up much less space. My brave Thing Two took out the smelly tree to the garbage where maybe it will make a home for more alley cats. Reuse, recycle I always say.
Then today a six-foot-tall package showed up from Fed Ex. There was no return address. We were starting to think maybe this strange gift was from Santa, before I realized that the six foot tall box must be the gift my friend of over 30 years, Ravin, mentioned sending to the kids. Turns out I told a lot of people about the pee pee tree, and so in the spirit of the holidays, my old pal sent us a full sized tree. What a way to end a story.
Except not entirely. I still have several treatments to go of the Esketamine, and am staying cautiously optimistic about the effects (as well as the bill), but so far it has worked a real Christmas miracle on me. Since many people may want to know more, I plan on other posts telling about my adventures with unusual uses of anesthesia. I also, for the first time in a while, have plans and resolutions for the next year I hope to write about, saying we don’t get bombed by North Korea or whatever. But this was a Christmas story, so I think I’ll end it here.
Happy Holidays and a Pee Pee Free New Year!
Alice
Top Five Last Minute Christmas Gifts
A lot has happened in the past few months. Or maybe just the last few weeks, but at any rate, I feel much better now thanks to a gift I’ll talk about in a future post (it’s not the pee pee tree, though you’ll get more info on that as well! Cheers!). Right now, though, the clock is ticking and it’s just five days till Christmas, so you might want to think about buying something that isn’t from 7-11 for your family this year.
If you’d like to get a little something for me, maybe think about a keyboard that hasn’t had coke spilled on it. Thanks to someone’s cola addiction the “y” ke, which turns out is a ver important letter, makes it difficult to tyyyyyyyyyyyyyyype normallyyy. But enough ado, now for myyy list of top 5 Christmas gifts for your little brat! Btw, I made sure these all came from Amazon, since Santa is letting Bezos deliver now that he owns half the planet.
5. Obligatory Frightening Olaf
In honor of Frozen II and the merchandising genius of Disneyyyy, who owns the other half of the planet, I present Lego Olaf.
Look out, he’s armed!
Lego does pretty well with buildings, but creating a person, animal or in this case, snowman, doesn’t work so well. Seeing this pop up caused both Thing One and I a jump scare, and we saw the whole movie (Frozen II: Freeze Harder). It gets worse, though. Check out the other wayyys to assemble Olaf.
In this movie, Olaf becomes a maniacal robot out for blood. (Spoiler!
Personally I’d just leave this guyyy unassembled.
4. Puppet-on-a-Stick
Lots of good things come on sticks, like corndogs, cotton candy, carrots, etc. Then there are these guys.
That puppet is clearly calling “Helpppp meeeeee.”
You can’t tell from the picture, but these guys are basically plungers with mouths that kids operate with a knob so it looks like they are talking. I love how the description above reads “Perfect for family announcements.” Really? What announcement would you want to make with puppets, especially these puppets?
Possible Options: Mommy and Daddy are getting a divorce! Scruffy died! You’re adopted!
Just think how useful these puppets could be in the Presidential debates! Candidates could hide behind their podiums and continue to puppet the same tired talking points, but this way they could get in some Punch and Judy action too. Ratings would surely go up.
3. Stuffed Composers
Anyone remember the Baby Einstein stuff from the 1990s and early 2000s that had parents thinking they could make their babies smarter by playing them classical music? And how that was a load of crap? Guess what?
They’re back! It’s not just the Mozart effect this time, though. You can get a Ludwig Von Beethoven bear or even a Fryderyk Chopin (rolls off the tongue) bear! Finally, now babies will quit begging to hear more Fryderyk! You know how sometimes babies cry but nothing seems to satisfy them? It’s because you didn’t get them a composer bear, you jerk. There’s nothing like having a stuffed animal do your parenting for you!
He’ll be fine. Mozart’s a great babysitter.
2. Baby Shark Baby
Shark, Shark, Baby. Okay maybe I was a bit harsh on the composer bears. At least their music doesn’t stick in your head like the popular Baby Shark song “Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo Dee Doo BABY SHAAAAARRRRRRK!” What could be more annoying? Pairing it with a Baby Alive doll of course!
Buy this for a friend’s child and be instantly un-friended.
What’s most fun about this doll though is that it is an even bigger liar than the composer bears. This doll does not sing Baby Shark. It also cannot go in water, according the instructions reviewers received along with their doll. This is in spite of both Amazon saying up above that it is great for “splashy water play fun!” and the picture showing the doll in water. Whoops.
Or not.
- Baby-Go-Puke Doll
I realize the last two selections have been baby dolls, but I think these are the most messed up dolls they make. Who could forget the doll from yesteryear’s Christmas list that could poop charms? I know I can’t, though I still try.
On the plus side, this doll definitely does stuff, so parents shouldn’t be disappointed.
Brush up on your EMT skills, preschoolers! No pressure!
Lots of kids like to play doctor (no, not like that, sicko). This doll takes that above and beyond the realm of normal. No, she doesn’t actually projectile vomit (I always thought adding that to the Betsy Wetsy doll would make it more realistic) but she does have multiple ailments your child must quickly fix in order to stop it from crying a very lifelike cry, which is documented as one of the most stressful sounds on earth. And just like with real babies, you have no idea what problem the doll has until you try everything, which in this case can be up to seven different problems. Fun!
Heart attack? Smallpox? Ebola? You just don’t know!
So there’s your list of go-to toys for the holiday season! Hurry up and order, and if you can, address these toys directly to the parents’ addresses. One reviewer reported that the last doll sounded like “mating cats” in the box, so unless you’re into that kind of thing, best to not even have it in the house.
Merry Christmas! And may your familyyyyy be forgiving!
~Alice
Happy (Late) Unicorn Appreciation Day!
I can’t believe I missed it! Goldfish has a holiday celebrating unicorns, and it was yesterday, and I didn’t dress up with stilts or wear horns or make magical wishes! It’s a shame so few know of this holiday, because not enough people respect unicorns. Some people say they were left behind because they missed the ark while playing. Look, unicorns may be playful, but they aren’t stupid. They probably used their horns to toss off a couple of oogga boogitys (lost forever thanks the flood which is why we have never heard of them) and got right on board, their sparkly-ness guiding the way. Unless you don’t believe there was an ark, in which case unicorns evolved from horses and goats and glitter.
It was the dinosaurs that missed it. I would have too – I’m always doing stuff like that.
Unicorns are special because they fart rainbows. And they are all different colors, with long flowing hair, and they don’t seem to mind when you cut it, though don’t leave your fingers hanging over the bed at night, children. Also – sparkle. I created a Sparkle Pony a while ago, by slogging glitter onto an unsuspecting My Little Pony – one of the older ones before they took the Slimfast challenge. Then I had a contest and Evil Squirrel won her and she married Rainbow Donkey and they had adorable mutant spawn together. I’m not making that up. Don’t you just love a happy ending?
Isn’t she BEAUTIFUL? If only I’d made her a horn too.
By the way, I still offer the “Yes I Am a Sparkle Pony” badge in my side bar should anyone, for some reason, want it. There doesn’t seem to be such a big deal about getting pressed by WordPress anymore (do they even do pressing?) so I think the next step is to just give each other unicorns and sparkle pony badges randomly. It works about the same as the Freshly Pressed system, anyway.
I’ve always loved unicorns because I love to live in a fantasy world of my own making, and would stay there if only work insisted I not use the “But I am a princess who must care for her sick unicorn” excuse. As a child, I used to have one of those Lisa Frank trapper keepers with neon unicorns and pegasuses (pegasi?) glowing with radioactive power. And I had My Little Pony, some of whom were not just ponies, but unicorns. And some were really confused because they were unicorns, ponies, AND pegasi. Talk about identity crisis. One must wonder about the mating process on that one too. That is, if one thought about that kind of stuff. Or about how unicorns poop.
Mmmm, ice cream! You know you’re old when you think “Hey maybe I should get one of those.”
Anyway, I’m still gonna help promote GF’s Unicorn Appreciation Day (when will the government give us a day off for this?) because someone has to think of the unicorns. There is enough cynicism and disbelief in this world!
I just love this one SO MUCH.
Now I’ll make my three magical wishes (I hope they still work):
- I need more Coke to supplement my habit. That would be Coca-Cola, not crack cocaine. That’s only for really special occasions, like when the Pope comes over.
- I want to feel better, so that the doctor’s office is no longer that place where “Everybody knows my name”.
- A buttload of glitter. So I can put it in envelopes and send them off as campaign contributions to politicians I don’t like. Or just to people I don’t like period. They will never, ever get it all off. Thanks, unicorns!
Someone needs to put a horn and some sparkles on him, STAT.
Somehow I know there are more wishes that would be better, like wishing for more wishes (I wish Robin Williams was back so he could say ixnay on the wishing for more wishes). I also want everyone to feel better, except a few people who need to blow up. But mostly everyone.
Happy Unicorn Appreciation Day! Hug a unicorn today! And go to Goldfish’s redbubble shop and buy unicorn stickers! She even sold a onesie with Squirrel on it! I hope the lady who ordered it wants a manic child.
Heybabylet’srunaroundthehousetogetheratbreakneckspeed! Weee!
Alice
P.S. RIP to David Bowie, who truly understood the value of sparkle. I miss him.
The WAR on CHRISTMAS!
I’m not sure if you guys realized it or not, being the sheltered types you are, but there is a WAR going on and it’s going on in our stores, our workplaces, even – if you happen to know or be related to a pinko commie – in our HOMES! That’s right. Forget all that Middle East crap. We are talking about a war on CHRISTMAS, people. It’s like a war on AMURICA itself. Or possibly just a war on CAPS LOCK.
No, no, it’s war – can’t you see it? PCs droppin’ everywhere! Don’t believe me? Well, then listen to the experts, like those on Fox News, or save your soul and just listen to me.
In Megyn we trust.
Remember last year when Megyn Kelly from Fox News informed us Santa was white and so was Jesus? Or how I will never, ever let her or anyone else forget that she said that? Right, well, I decided to do my own research to prove that there is a war on Christmas in this country. I took three steps.
- Find out how many times someone said “Merry Christmas” vs the satanic “Happy Holidays” and whether the Merry Christmas wishers were beaten and flogged for disobeying the government PC police.
- Try to understand what Donald Trump (our great leader) is saying on this and other important topics.
- Sample Reeses Peanut Butter Christmas trees to see if they really look like trees or poop.
Step One the First: Season’s Greetings
Blasphemy!!!!!!!!!
In the last few days I have been counting the number of times someone has wished me well with something other than a shopping cart or well-placed elbow. Here is my handy chart with a rough approximation.
Said Merry Christmas: 30ish
Said Happy Holidays (or some form of this): 0
Number of times person saying Merry Christmas was beaten, flogged, thrown in prison, etc: 0
I think I’ve proved my point. We have rebels out on the streets, folks, risking their lives. They’ve just been LUCKY, that’s all.
Step Two the Second: Out of the Pie Hole of Donald
Lend us your wisdom, oh Wise One.
I listened to Donald Trump. Okay, no, I really didn’t. I listened to some of the Democratic debate where candidates Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and that other guy dared to insult the great Donald. Hillary, that Jezebel, said that Donald was great propaganda for Isis. And this coming from a woman who had to go pee during the debates – disgusting! Bernie admitted to having to go pee too. And as far as . . . the other guy, he didn’t comment on the war on Christmas either, even after jumping up and down for an hour while raising his hand for a chance to speak. And obviously none of these candidates promoted saying “Merry Christmas” to Muslims before we kick them out of our country. That should tell you everything you need to know right there. Donald did not remark on the Reeses Christmas trees, oddly enough, so we’ll have to figure that out ourselves.
Step Three the Third: Poop Trees
Earlier this year, Facebook News told about the Problem of the Trees. People had taken to social media to protest their Reeses Christmas Trees not looking enough like trees. No, really.
Lucifer’s Chocolate
Thing Two and I braved Mecca on Christmas Eve (or Holiday Eve, am I right?) to get some Reeces Peanut Butter Trees and find out if they looked like Christmas trees or reindeer poops. We bought a bag (for enough test subjects) and tried them out ourselves along with fellow tester, Thing One.
Exhibit A
Subject already melting. Must proceed quickly.
As you can see by our picture, the subject does not resemble a tree. It doesn’t really resemble a poop either, maybe because I don’t study my poops that much. It actually kinda looks like a space ship, or maybe a bullet, which ought to please anyone! We decided to try to fix the tree by shaping it with our mouths.
Exhibit B
One bite down. Subject is reportedly “Yummy”.
Still doesn’t look like a tree. We worked diligently on more of the trees.
Experiment undetermined
In spite of our best efforts (some of the trees were reserved for stockings thus ensuring our survival), we couldn’t make the trees like like REAL Christmas trees, which just proves that Reeses is in on the War Against Christmas. We would advise you to boycott Reeces by sending us your uneaten Reeses Peanut Butter Trees so that they can be exorcised and exposed of properly. Just email me to find out where to send your trees. You’re welcome and Trump bless.
Merry CHRISTMAS.
Alice
Merry Christmas! Have a Boar’s Head!
I was looking for another Christmas post, and realized I hadn’t done my annual making fun of Christmas songs. So I looked up some on Wikipedia, figuring I’d find a few traditional carols along with standard irritating favorites like Frosty the Freaking Snowman. Instead I found (along with messages begging me to give to Wikipedia – yeah right) a bunch of supposed songs I had never heard of, songs that were not just annoying but a special kind of weird you can only get from really old songs. Like really olde.
Here’s a few titles.
Hi, guys!
“Adam Ley Ybounden” – song from the 15th century which translates to, roughly “Hey Adam, ye boundin’ over to see Jesus?”
“Bethlehem Down” – not that old a song, sung in the Anglican church, probably means something important, but I can’t help thinking of football.
“The Cherry Tree Carol” – song in which George Washington chops down a cherry tree, and makes up for it by building a manger. Or something.
“Children Go Where I Send Thee” – To bed. Go to bed. Now.
“Come Thou Long Expected Jesus” – like I know you’re Jesus, but could you GET here already?
“The Friendly Beasts” – Like the cows in the manger? Chickens? Wolves? Squirrels?
“Jesus Christ the Apple Tree” – wait, wasn’t He chopped down in that carol earlier? Oh, that was cherries, now it makes sense.
“Past Three O’Clock” – We’re still waiting, Jesus.
But there was one carol that stood out enough for me to actually click on it rather than make up stuff. Just so you know. Not made up.
Now with more cheese logs!
It’s got a whole story, guys. A long, longe tyme ago, like medieval times, those silly Ango-Saxons used to sacrifice a boar to Freyr in ancient Norse tradition and then bring its head into the banquet hall with an apple in its mouth to scare the crap out of their wives! Just kidding, they ate it. St. Stephen stole the tradition, on the feast of Stephen I’m guessing, and gave it to King Wenseslas. Later on we decided that was a lot of trouble and substituted ham instead. So think of that next Christmas dinner. If not for our laziness, we could still be eating boar head.
But it gets better. In more modern times, like 1800s, William Henry Husk, Librarian to the Sacred Harmonic Society (it is my goal in life to become librarian to a scared society of harmonicas), wrote about the tradition. He said, and I quote whatever the great Wikipedia quoted:
“Where an amusing tradition formerly current in Oxford concerning the boar’s head custom, which represented that usage as a commemoration of an act of valour performed by a student of the college, who, while walking in the neighbouring forest of Shotover and reading Aristotle, was suddenly attacked by a wild boar. The furious beast came open-mouthed upon the youth, who, however, very courageously, and with a happy presence of mind, thrust the volume he was reading down the boar’s throat, crying, “Græcum est,”[4] and fairly choked the savage with the sage.”
Quick, Harry, throw your potions book at him!
Translated: Some dude forgot to do his homework, and made up an awesome story about choking a boar with his textbook. Cause what college student hasn’t wanted to do that, especially if he had to read about Aristotle? I’m not sure I’d have been in a happy presence of mind if a boar attacked me and all I had for defense was a textbook. On the other hand, if we are talking about an English textbook, then that probably could choke a wild beast. I’ve had to carry those suckers around, so I know.
What makes this storye (my Olde English professor would have strangled me by now, for soothe) better is that the tradition is still carried on in various parts of the world. Back to Wikipedia!
“Queen’s College celebrates the tradition by three chefs bringing a boar’s head into hall, with a procession of a solo singer who sings the first verse, accompanied by torch bearers and followed by a choir. The procession stops during verses and walks during the chorus. The head is placed on the high table and the Provost distributes the herbs to the choir and the orange from the Boar’s mouth to the solo singer.”
There has to be an easier way to get one of these things . . .
You crazy Brits! But wait, we Yanks do it too – in Ft. Worth, Texas? Why, yes! So sayeth Wikipedia “Inaugurated in 1977, this Boar’s Head and Yule Log Festival features a cast of 300 magnificently costumed characters, live animals, orchestra, pipe organ, bell choir and the congregation’s renowned Chancel Choir.” I gotta say, I share a state with Ft. Worth and have heard about it a lot, but never about the 300 costumed characters, live animals, orchestra, etc. Wow. Way to be far out, Ft. Worth! You can also find celebrations of this in Georgia and Tennessee. And you thought we Southerners couldn’t get down!
No word on whether these celebrations and processions still celebrate the tradition of tossing a textbook into a wild animal’s mouth, but I really think they should. It’s not like you get any money back for your books anyway, or like most students even crack them open, so tossing them at an animal would be a lot of fun. Not to mention goode olde traditional values.
Merry Christmas!
Alice
Jingle Bells, Shotgun Shells!
When I was making my Christmas gift list for yesterday’s post, I came upon a lot of gun-related gift ideas. Just – really – so many. I decided to cut most of them out (except that impressive bullet cleaning case for Dad!) and make them into their own post. Because that’s kind of what we’re into lately. Either fewer guns to stop violence, or more guns – to – somehow stop violence. I don’t pretend to understand it.
Nor am I so politically correct that I do not recognize that people are just kinda wired to be violent. Our caveman brains have us craving the same diet, so why not also have us using the same strategies to fight off enemies? Like terrorists, or your nosy neighbor? And using guns that fire 4 billion rounds a second (I’m estimating here) instead of clubs. Children – and let’s face it, this is mostly a boy thing – love guns. I remember in the daycare I worked little boys as young as two loved to make “Boodah Boodah” noises while chasing each other with armed fingers. As per rules, I told them not to play guns. They were confused, and said “We’re playing Boodah -Boodah.” It’s just so ingrained they don’t even know what they’re playing, they just ARE.
I have daughters, and they are into dolls. Okay so the dolls sometimes get violent. And the stuffed animals (Olaf please come home!) I have nothing to do with this whatsoever so stop looking at me like that. But really, who hasn’t had a violent thought at least once a day, like toward traffic, or a bad job, or grass – you know how it is. The difference is how we choose to act on it. And whether that action makes us the hero or the villain. Take this quote from, you guessed it, Facebook News.
The Home Depot: Woman Who Shot at Fleeing Car Gets Sentenced, Says Will ‘Never Help Anybody Again’
I had to read this headline a couple of times. Then click it, of course, because say what? Apparently someone tried to shoplift items from a Home Depot but a Concerned Citizen with a Concealed Handgun Permit decided to save the day. By firing at the car as it drove away. In the parking lot of a busy store. She seemed very confused as to why she was being “punished” for this by getting, I’m not kidding, 18 months probation and her gun license taken away. The idea that shoplifting is not, in fact, punishable by death in this country did not seem to occur to her. Or that she might have hit completely innocent bystanders while firing off her weapon like she was Rambo of the suburbs. Nope, she’s just not going to try to help anyone again! Well, I certainly hope not. But I have some great gift ideas for you, lady. And all your wacky friends! (Click to enlarge and see all the wackiness in these products.)
- The Gun Mug
For that suicidal coffee drinker!
I’m not sure if they thought this gift out very well. Unless you are planning on letting your friend drink from your gun while you hold it, then you are pointing the gun at your own nose while drinking. I do like the description though – “Enter your model number above to make sure this fits.” Fits what? Your finger? Is finger size a problem? Also “Fun pistol shape for adds excitement to a beverage.” I sure am excited and having the funs drinking from this gun mug! Don’t try this with real guns – either pointing them at your nose or drinking coffee from them. We might need a warning placed on this mug.
2. Grandpa Has a Gun T-Shirt
I don’t . . . even . . . wow.
I’m not sure what part of this disturbs me the most – the fact that Grandpa is planning to kill someone (hint: you might give him the coffee cup if he’s a little senile for safety) or the fact that it says “pretty granddaughters.” That ups the creep to maximum ick levels guys. I mean, are we implying that he’ll just shoot anyone because he has a pretty granddaughter, or is this is the old “treat my girl right or I kill ya boy” gag that is such a riot? And what if his granddaughter isn’t pretty? Will he just stick with a steak knife? Who knows? At least you can rest assured it’s printed in the US of A, people.
3. Gun Cylinder Pencil Holder
Goes great with the gun mug for that wacky coworker!
Are your pens locked and loaded? Haha! This pen holder is clearly a necessity for the office, because it not only got 62 positive reviews, but is actually back-ordered. No, really! While it might seem a bit gauche to some, I think it serves a very clear purpose. If your coworker has this and the gun mug on his desk, take proper precautions. Like a new job.
4. Warning For Not Warning Sign
I like the gunshot holes – they add pizzazz!
So this person is unhappy with rising prices of ammunition (did they shop at Home Depot?) and decided to put up a sign warning people that they would not give a warning shot if they fire on them. Thanks – for the warning? I love the bullet holes, which are supposed to be stylish, yet just confirm that people took your sign so seriously they fired on it. Oh, the irony! Good for indoors and out, and naturally made in the USA!
5. Shotgun Shell Pocket Knife
For those who just can’t decide what they want to kill with!
Sometimes people have to make hard choices. Like do you carry the blue purse or the green purse? Or the knife or the gun? Well now you don’t have to choose because you can have both! It’s not a real shell, but it has the actual size and feel of real shell, and that’s what’s important. Now it they really wanted it to be handy, you could also load this into a gun, like in James Bond. I bet someone is working on that now. I love my country. Available in multiple colors!
Well, there were so many more good ones I wanted to add – like the Four Piece 12 Gauge Shotgun Shell Coaster Set W/ Base for that gun lover who also likes to entertain (they should hang that warning sign up over the dinner table for added ambiance!), but I ran out of room so I’ll call it a post. Merry Christmas, Amuricans, and please try not to shoot Santa before you get your gifts.
Alice out.
Top Christmas Gifts for the Whole Family 2015!
Christmas is getting closer, like the Polar Express blazing right at you at 90 miles per hour with that freakish computer-animated Tom Hanks shouting out the window “I can’t stop it! Run! Only 11 days till Christmas!” Do you have your gifts bought or were you wasting time both being sick and whining about it? Have you been hiding a homicidal snowman? If so, please let me know, because we’ve lost him again. He might have escaped the house.
But I promised a gift list, and unlike my other promises I’ll deliver this time! (Click to Enlarge Pictures)
Gifts For Dad
What to get for the guy who hates everything and half the time leaves the shrink wrap on the gifts and never says thank you? It’s a toughie. But I did some digging and found some great ideas for that special Dad on your list.
Also makes a great mantle piece!
What to say about this gift? Just – so much! As it says, it comes with everything needed to clean Dad’s guns including 3 brass rods, 2 brass adapters, and a bottle for your gun oilll! And the container is so multipurpose you know, cause it’s shaped like a bullet, but also – like – well – um – a suppository! Yes, that’s it! Please don’t use let him use it as one! Also be sure Fido is out of the way and he remembered to unload the gun first. I think these instructions should be on every gun cleaning device – including cartoon pictures so people will actually read it.
Gifts for Mom
What about mom? You know, the woman who sacrificed all her hopes, dreams, and desires that you might live and go on that stupid ski trip? Well, look no further, we’ve found just the thing!
Timeless gift to treasure! Even Jewel loves it!
This is a MUST for the holidays, because we want Mom to be happy, and every woman I see in those Swiffer commercials is unbelievably happy. Just look at them gliding around and exclaiming how amazing this mop is! There has to be something I’m missing in this thing, like maybe the refill cloths are laced with something, because I think they’re high – or possibly just transported back to the 1950s.
Just think – Grandma had to use a regular mop – in high heels!
Gifts for Grandma
Speaking of Grandma, what to give to that special lady that spoils you rotten – or your kids rotten? Well you could be boring and give her yet another mug saying “World’s Best Grandma” or you could get something both fun and practical. This guide, disguised as a children’s book, will help her prepare for when she’s too feeble to do anything on her own, and must depend on her children and grandchildren!
Here’s what to expect from the future, Grandma!
There are some great tips in this book such as “How to keep grandma busy”, “Things to do at the park”, and “Possible places to sleep.” Grandmas should study this while they still have time, and make sure to mark some stuff in their wills. Like – do not keep Grandma busy by pushing her at mach speed through the park then dumping her on a park bench for the night. Always be prepared, for children are evil!
Gifts for Grandpa
Grandpas also need gifts that say “Preparedness”, “Practicality” and “Pain.” Because while he might be able to run and play now, he won’t forever, so here’s a great gift idea.
Also makes a great Father’s Day gift! For Grandpa!
Yeah, I looked up “gifts for Grandpa” and this was the first thing to come up. Well after the Obama toilet paper (seriously). But this will last him so much longer. Just put it around his neck, and squeeze it! Kids will delight in applying traction to Grandpa. Fun for the whole family.
Gifts for Kids
What to get those sugar-fueled, obnoxious little twerps – er, angel children in your life? Need something that fulfills the need for children to get exercise in a dangerous, yet also politically incorrect way? Then you’re surely in the market for our next gift!
Weeee, pop, crash, OMG!
This is an ingenious idea, and I’d love to have one for myself. It would be handy for those trips to Wal-Mart during the Christmas season. Kids will like it too! Check out the commercial to see just how exciting this toy can be! Watch the girl’s neck flop backwards and slam into the floor. She might need to borrow Grandpa’s traction device!
Sad that adults can’t use these too? Well immature ones can! If you’re bored, you can watch some. I’m glad I did.
Gifts for Teens
This first one is a great one for kids who are so socially inept they don’t know how to get in trouble without a book.
Now how do I get that kegger again – oh yeah, the book!
Sounds great, doesn’t it? Who hasn’t spent hours in high school hosting film festivals, going on road trips, writing (Communist?) manifestos, or shutting down house parties before the police arrive? Yeah, uh, books are dangerous. Best to stick with tried and true.
The ultimate care package at a great price!
This is an awesome idea because everyone knows teens do not want to be interrupted to do such things as go to the kitchen for Nutter Butters. One reviewer complained that she could have gotten all of this from Wal-Mart for around fifteen bucks (including the gift card) but hey, you might have to get out of your chair for that, and you are busy on Facebook. It would be even handier if the coke can could also be used for pee, thus eliminating bathroom breaks. Remember what’s most important – you could be rid of your teen for days!
And last but not least . . .
Gifts For Rover
We can’t forget the family dog who, judging by recent commercials, we feed better quality food to than we do ourselves. No preservatives for my doggie, even if he does lick his bum! But besides food, what do you think your cuddly best friend would want for Christmas?
I like how uneasy the fish looks.
This is a great toy, as the man in the review (look it up on Amazon – it’s weird) demonstrates. The dog plays with the toy and finds egg squeakers inside it. So it rips them out one by one, squeaking with delight while the fish, penguin, or whichever unfortunate egg-laying animal you use lays helpless, watching its young get eaten by a dog. Like wild kingdom right in your own home!
Happy Shopping!
Alice
aliceatwonderland 