I can’t believe I missed it! Goldfish has a holiday celebrating unicorns, and it was yesterday, and I didn’t dress up with stilts or wear horns or make magical wishes! It’s a shame so few know of this holiday, because not enough people respect unicorns. Some people say they were left behind because they missed the ark while playing. Look, unicorns may be playful, but they aren’t stupid. They probably used their horns to toss off a couple of oogga boogitys (lost forever thanks the flood which is why we have never heard of them) and got right on board, their sparkly-ness guiding the way. Unless you don’t believe there was an ark, in which case unicorns evolved from horses and goats and glitter.
Unicorns are special because they fart rainbows. And they are all different colors, with long flowing hair, and they don’t seem to mind when you cut it, though don’t leave your fingers hanging over the bed at night, children. Also – sparkle. I created a Sparkle Pony a while ago, by slogging glitter onto an unsuspecting My Little Pony – one of the older ones before they took the Slimfast challenge. Then I had a contest and Evil Squirrel won her and she married Rainbow Donkey and they had adorable mutant spawn together. I’m not making that up. Don’t you just love a happy ending?
By the way, I still offer the “Yes I Am a Sparkle Pony” badge in my side bar should anyone, for some reason, want it. There doesn’t seem to be such a big deal about getting pressed by WordPress anymore (do they even do pressing?) so I think the next step is to just give each other unicorns and sparkle pony badges randomly. It works about the same as the Freshly Pressed system, anyway.
I’ve always loved unicorns because I love to live in a fantasy world of my own making, and would stay there if only work insisted I not use the “But I am a princess who must care for her sick unicorn” excuse. As a child, I used to have one of those Lisa Frank trapper keepers with neon unicorns and pegasuses (pegasi?) glowing with radioactive power. And I had My Little Pony, some of whom were not just ponies, but unicorns. And some were really confused because they were unicorns, ponies, AND pegasi. Talk about identity crisis. One must wonder about the mating process on that one too. That is, if one thought about that kind of stuff. Or about how unicorns poop.
Mmmm, ice cream! You know you’re old when you think “Hey maybe I should get one of those.”
Anyway, I’m still gonna help promote GF’s Unicorn Appreciation Day (when will the government give us a day off for this?) because someone has to think of the unicorns. There is enough cynicism and disbelief in this world!
Now I’ll make my three magical wishes (I hope they still work):
- I need more Coke to supplement my habit. That would be Coca-Cola, not crack cocaine. That’s only for really special occasions, like when the Pope comes over.
- I want to feel better, so that the doctor’s office is no longer that place where “Everybody knows my name”.
- A buttload of glitter. So I can put it in envelopes and send them off as campaign contributions to politicians I don’t like. Or just to people I don’t like period. They will never, ever get it all off. Thanks, unicorns!
Somehow I know there are more wishes that would be better, like wishing for more wishes (I wish Robin Williams was back so he could say ixnay on the wishing for more wishes). I also want everyone to feel better, except a few people who need to blow up. But mostly everyone.
Happy Unicorn Appreciation Day! Hug a unicorn today! And go to Goldfish’s redbubble shop and buy unicorn stickers! She even sold a onesie with Squirrel on it! I hope the lady who ordered it wants a manic child.
P.S. RIP to David Bowie, who truly understood the value of sparkle. I miss him.
I’m not sure if you guys realized it or not, being the sheltered types you are, but there is a WAR going on and it’s going on in our stores, our workplaces, even – if you happen to know or be related to a pinko commie – in our HOMES! That’s right. Forget all that Middle East crap. We are talking about a war on CHRISTMAS, people. It’s like a war on AMURICA itself. Or possibly just a war on CAPS LOCK.
No, no, it’s war – can’t you see it? PCs droppin’ everywhere! Don’t believe me? Well, then listen to the experts, like those on Fox News, or save your soul and just listen to me.
Remember last year when Megyn Kelly from Fox News informed us Santa was white and so was Jesus? Or how I will never, ever let her or anyone else forget that she said that? Right, well, I decided to do my own research to prove that there is a war on Christmas in this country. I took three steps.
- Find out how many times someone said “Merry Christmas” vs the satanic “Happy Holidays” and whether the Merry Christmas wishers were beaten and flogged for disobeying the government PC police.
- Try to understand what Donald Trump (our great leader) is saying on this and other important topics.
- Sample Reeses Peanut Butter Christmas trees to see if they really look like trees or poop.
Step One the First: Season’s Greetings
In the last few days I have been counting the number of times someone has wished me well with something other than a shopping cart or well-placed elbow. Here is my handy chart with a rough approximation.
Said Merry Christmas: 30ish
Said Happy Holidays (or some form of this): 0
Number of times person saying Merry Christmas was beaten, flogged, thrown in prison, etc: 0
I think I’ve proved my point. We have rebels out on the streets, folks, risking their lives. They’ve just been LUCKY, that’s all.
Step Two the Second: Out of the Pie Hole of Donald
I listened to Donald Trump. Okay, no, I really didn’t. I listened to some of the Democratic debate where candidates Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and that other guy dared to insult the great Donald. Hillary, that Jezebel, said that Donald was great propaganda for Isis. And this coming from a woman who had to go pee during the debates – disgusting! Bernie admitted to having to go pee too. And as far as . . . the other guy, he didn’t comment on the war on Christmas either, even after jumping up and down for an hour while raising his hand for a chance to speak. And obviously none of these candidates promoted saying “Merry Christmas” to Muslims before we kick them out of our country. That should tell you everything you need to know right there. Donald did not remark on the Reeses Christmas trees, oddly enough, so we’ll have to figure that out ourselves.
Step Three the Third: Poop Trees
Earlier this year, Facebook News told about the Problem of the Trees. People had taken to social media to protest their Reeses Christmas Trees not looking enough like trees. No, really.
Thing Two and I braved Mecca on Christmas Eve (or Holiday Eve, am I right?) to get some Reeces Peanut Butter Trees and find out if they looked like Christmas trees or reindeer poops. We bought a bag (for enough test subjects) and tried them out ourselves along with fellow tester, Thing One.
As you can see by our picture, the subject does not resemble a tree. It doesn’t really resemble a poop either, maybe because I don’t study my poops that much. It actually kinda looks like a space ship, or maybe a bullet, which ought to please anyone! We decided to try to fix the tree by shaping it with our mouths.
Still doesn’t look like a tree. We worked diligently on more of the trees.
In spite of our best efforts (some of the trees were reserved for stockings thus ensuring our survival), we couldn’t make the trees like like REAL Christmas trees, which just proves that Reeses is in on the War Against Christmas. We would advise you to boycott Reeces by sending us your uneaten Reeses Peanut Butter Trees so that they can be exorcised and exposed of properly. Just email me to find out where to send your trees. You’re welcome and Trump bless.
I was looking for another Christmas post, and realized I hadn’t done my annual making fun of Christmas songs. So I looked up some on Wikipedia, figuring I’d find a few traditional carols along with standard irritating favorites like Frosty the Freaking Snowman. Instead I found (along with messages begging me to give to Wikipedia – yeah right) a bunch of supposed songs I had never heard of, songs that were not just annoying but a special kind of weird you can only get from really old songs. Like really olde.
Here’s a few titles.
“Adam Ley Ybounden” – song from the 15th century which translates to, roughly “Hey Adam, ye boundin’ over to see Jesus?”
“Bethlehem Down” – not that old a song, sung in the Anglican church, probably means something important, but I can’t help thinking of football.
“The Cherry Tree Carol” – song in which George Washington chops down a cherry tree, and makes up for it by building a manger. Or something.
“Children Go Where I Send Thee” – To bed. Go to bed. Now.
“Come Thou Long Expected Jesus” – like I know you’re Jesus, but could you GET here already?
“The Friendly Beasts” – Like the cows in the manger? Chickens? Wolves? Squirrels?
“Jesus Christ the Apple Tree” – wait, wasn’t He chopped down in that carol earlier? Oh, that was cherries, now it makes sense.
“Past Three O’Clock” – We’re still waiting, Jesus.
But there was one carol that stood out enough for me to actually click on it rather than make up stuff. Just so you know. Not made up.
It’s got a whole story, guys. A long, longe tyme ago, like medieval times, those silly Ango-Saxons used to sacrifice a boar to Freyr in ancient Norse tradition and then bring its head into the banquet hall with an apple in its mouth to scare the crap out of their wives! Just kidding, they ate it. St. Stephen stole the tradition, on the feast of Stephen I’m guessing, and gave it to King Wenseslas. Later on we decided that was a lot of trouble and substituted ham instead. So think of that next Christmas dinner. If not for our laziness, we could still be eating boar head.
But it gets better. In more modern times, like 1800s, William Henry Husk, Librarian to the Sacred Harmonic Society (it is my goal in life to become librarian to a scared society of harmonicas), wrote about the tradition. He said, and I quote whatever the great Wikipedia quoted:
“Where an amusing tradition formerly current in Oxford concerning the boar’s head custom, which represented that usage as a commemoration of an act of valour performed by a student of the college, who, while walking in the neighbouring forest of Shotover and reading Aristotle, was suddenly attacked by a wild boar. The furious beast came open-mouthed upon the youth, who, however, very courageously, and with a happy presence of mind, thrust the volume he was reading down the boar’s throat, crying, “Græcum est,” and fairly choked the savage with the sage.”
Translated: Some dude forgot to do his homework, and made up an awesome story about choking a boar with his textbook. Cause what college student hasn’t wanted to do that, especially if he had to read about Aristotle? I’m not sure I’d have been in a happy presence of mind if a boar attacked me and all I had for defense was a textbook. On the other hand, if we are talking about an English textbook, then that probably could choke a wild beast. I’ve had to carry those suckers around, so I know.
What makes this storye (my Olde English professor would have strangled me by now, for soothe) better is that the tradition is still carried on in various parts of the world. Back to Wikipedia!
“Queen’s College celebrates the tradition by three chefs bringing a boar’s head into hall, with a procession of a solo singer who sings the first verse, accompanied by torch bearers and followed by a choir. The procession stops during verses and walks during the chorus. The head is placed on the high table and the Provost distributes the herbs to the choir and the orange from the Boar’s mouth to the solo singer.”
You crazy Brits! But wait, we Yanks do it too – in Ft. Worth, Texas? Why, yes! So sayeth Wikipedia “Inaugurated in 1977, this Boar’s Head and Yule Log Festival features a cast of 300 magnificently costumed characters, live animals, orchestra, pipe organ, bell choir and the congregation’s renowned Chancel Choir.” I gotta say, I share a state with Ft. Worth and have heard about it a lot, but never about the 300 costumed characters, live animals, orchestra, etc. Wow. Way to be far out, Ft. Worth! You can also find celebrations of this in Georgia and Tennessee. And you thought we Southerners couldn’t get down!
No word on whether these celebrations and processions still celebrate the tradition of tossing a textbook into a wild animal’s mouth, but I really think they should. It’s not like you get any money back for your books anyway, or like most students even crack them open, so tossing them at an animal would be a lot of fun. Not to mention goode olde traditional values.
You might have thought (or hoped) that we’d forgotten about Olaf (a snowman from the Disney movie Frozen) and all the wackos who have shown up to claim Elsa’s throne, seeing as how none of them are (supposedly) real at all and we are (in theory) way too big to be playing with this stuff. Except maybe Thing Two, she’s eleven. When does the statute of limitations run out on doll playing? No matter.
Queen Elsa decided on the best course of action in this dire situation. Ask her friends on Facebook.
Hans took to his Facebook page to express his opinions.
And later this image popped up on Anna’s Facebook page.
Along with this status.
A little more investigation, though . . .
Anna posted one more status.
So ends our Olaf caper for those of you who were on the edge of your seats there. Wouldn’t it be great if someone could get a shot of, I don’t know, one of our politicians advocating crazy criminal activity? And if that were to make this politician sink in the polls instead of get more popular? Wouldn’t it???
I’m gonna go play with my toys.
When I was making my Christmas gift list for yesterday’s post, I came upon a lot of gun-related gift ideas. Just – really – so many. I decided to cut most of them out (except that impressive bullet cleaning case for Dad!) and make them into their own post. Because that’s kind of what we’re into lately. Either fewer guns to stop violence, or more guns – to – somehow stop violence. I don’t pretend to understand it.
Nor am I so politically correct that I do not recognize that people are just kinda wired to be violent. Our caveman brains have us craving the same diet, so why not also have us using the same strategies to fight off enemies? Like terrorists, or your nosy neighbor? And using guns that fire 4 billion rounds a second (I’m estimating here) instead of clubs. Children – and let’s face it, this is mostly a boy thing – love guns. I remember in the daycare I worked little boys as young as two loved to make “Boodah Boodah” noises while chasing each other with armed fingers. As per rules, I told them not to play guns. They were confused, and said “We’re playing Boodah -Boodah.” It’s just so ingrained they don’t even know what they’re playing, they just ARE.
I have daughters, and they are into dolls. Okay so the dolls sometimes get violent. And the stuffed animals (Olaf please come home!) I have nothing to do with this whatsoever so stop looking at me like that. But really, who hasn’t had a violent thought at least once a day, like toward traffic, or a bad job, or grass – you know how it is. The difference is how we choose to act on it. And whether that action makes us the hero or the villain. Take this quote from, you guessed it, Facebook News.
I had to read this headline a couple of times. Then click it, of course, because say what? Apparently someone tried to shoplift items from a Home Depot but a Concerned Citizen with a Concealed Handgun Permit decided to save the day. By firing at the car as it drove away. In the parking lot of a busy store. She seemed very confused as to why she was being “punished” for this by getting, I’m not kidding, 18 months probation and her gun license taken away. The idea that shoplifting is not, in fact, punishable by death in this country did not seem to occur to her. Or that she might have hit completely innocent bystanders while firing off her weapon like she was Rambo of the suburbs. Nope, she’s just not going to try to help anyone again! Well, I certainly hope not. But I have some great gift ideas for you, lady. And all your wacky friends! (Click to enlarge and see all the wackiness in these products.)
- The Gun Mug
I’m not sure if they thought this gift out very well. Unless you are planning on letting your friend drink from your gun while you hold it, then you are pointing the gun at your own nose while drinking. I do like the description though – “Enter your model number above to make sure this fits.” Fits what? Your finger? Is finger size a problem? Also “Fun pistol shape for adds excitement to a beverage.” I sure am excited and having the funs drinking from this gun mug! Don’t try this with real guns – either pointing them at your nose or drinking coffee from them. We might need a warning placed on this mug.
2. Grandpa Has a Gun T-Shirt
I’m not sure what part of this disturbs me the most – the fact that Grandpa is planning to kill someone (hint: you might give him the coffee cup if he’s a little senile for safety) or the fact that it says “pretty granddaughters.” That ups the creep to maximum ick levels guys. I mean, are we implying that he’ll just shoot anyone because he has a pretty granddaughter, or is this is the old “treat my girl right or I kill ya boy” gag that is such a riot? And what if his granddaughter isn’t pretty? Will he just stick with a steak knife? Who knows? At least you can rest assured it’s printed in the US of A, people.
3. Gun Cylinder Pencil Holder
Are your pens locked and loaded? Haha! This pen holder is clearly a necessity for the office, because it not only got 62 positive reviews, but is actually back-ordered. No, really! While it might seem a bit gauche to some, I think it serves a very clear purpose. If your coworker has this and the gun mug on his desk, take proper precautions. Like a new job.
4. Warning For Not Warning Sign
So this person is unhappy with rising prices of ammunition (did they shop at Home Depot?) and decided to put up a sign warning people that they would not give a warning shot if they fire on them. Thanks – for the warning? I love the bullet holes, which are supposed to be stylish, yet just confirm that people took your sign so seriously they fired on it. Oh, the irony! Good for indoors and out, and naturally made in the USA!
5. Shotgun Shell Pocket Knife
Sometimes people have to make hard choices. Like do you carry the blue purse or the green purse? Or the knife or the gun? Well now you don’t have to choose because you can have both! It’s not a real shell, but it has the actual size and feel of real shell, and that’s what’s important. Now it they really wanted it to be handy, you could also load this into a gun, like in James Bond. I bet someone is working on that now. I love my country. Available in multiple colors!
Well, there were so many more good ones I wanted to add – like the Four Piece 12 Gauge Shotgun Shell Coaster Set W/ Base for that gun lover who also likes to entertain (they should hang that warning sign up over the dinner table for added ambiance!), but I ran out of room so I’ll call it a post. Merry Christmas, Amuricans, and please try not to shoot Santa before you get your gifts.
Christmas is getting closer, like the Polar Express blazing right at you at 90 miles per hour with that freakish computer-animated Tom Hanks shouting out the window “I can’t stop it! Run! Only 11 days till Christmas!” Do you have your gifts bought or were you wasting time both being sick and whining about it? Have you been hiding a homicidal snowman? If so, please let me know, because we’ve lost him again. He might have escaped the house.
But I promised a gift list, and unlike my other promises I’ll deliver this time! (Click to Enlarge Pictures)
Gifts For Dad
What to get for the guy who hates everything and half the time leaves the shrink wrap on the gifts and never says thank you? It’s a toughie. But I did some digging and found some great ideas for that special Dad on your list.
What to say about this gift? Just – so much! As it says, it comes with everything needed to clean Dad’s guns including 3 brass rods, 2 brass adapters, and a bottle for your gun oilll! And the container is so multipurpose you know, cause it’s shaped like a bullet, but also – like – well – um – a suppository! Yes, that’s it! Please don’t use let him use it as one! Also be sure Fido is out of the way and he remembered to unload the gun first. I think these instructions should be on every gun cleaning device – including cartoon pictures so people will actually read it.
Gifts for Mom
What about mom? You know, the woman who sacrificed all her hopes, dreams, and desires that you might live and go on that stupid ski trip? Well, look no further, we’ve found just the thing!
This is a MUST for the holidays, because we want Mom to be happy, and every woman I see in those Swiffer commercials is unbelievably happy. Just look at them gliding around and exclaiming how amazing this mop is! There has to be something I’m missing in this thing, like maybe the refill cloths are laced with something, because I think they’re high – or possibly just transported back to the 1950s.
Gifts for Grandma
Speaking of Grandma, what to give to that special lady that spoils you rotten – or your kids rotten? Well you could be boring and give her yet another mug saying “World’s Best Grandma” or you could get something both fun and practical. This guide, disguised as a children’s book, will help her prepare for when she’s too feeble to do anything on her own, and must depend on her children and grandchildren!
There are some great tips in this book such as “How to keep grandma busy”, “Things to do at the park”, and “Possible places to sleep.” Grandmas should study this while they still have time, and make sure to mark some stuff in their wills. Like – do not keep Grandma busy by pushing her at mach speed through the park then dumping her on a park bench for the night. Always be prepared, for children are evil!
Gifts for Grandpa
Grandpas also need gifts that say “Preparedness”, “Practicality” and “Pain.” Because while he might be able to run and play now, he won’t forever, so here’s a great gift idea.
Yeah, I looked up “gifts for Grandpa” and this was the first thing to come up. Well after the Obama toilet paper (seriously). But this will last him so much longer. Just put it around his neck, and squeeze it! Kids will delight in applying traction to Grandpa. Fun for the whole family.
Gifts for Kids
What to get those sugar-fueled, obnoxious little twerps – er, angel children in your life? Need something that fulfills the need for children to get exercise in a dangerous, yet also politically incorrect way? Then you’re surely in the market for our next gift!
This is an ingenious idea, and I’d love to have one for myself. It would be handy for those trips to Wal-Mart during the Christmas season. Kids will like it too! Check out the commercial to see just how exciting this toy can be! Watch the girl’s neck flop backwards and slam into the floor. She might need to borrow Grandpa’s traction device!
Sad that adults can’t use these too? Well immature ones can! If you’re bored, you can watch some. I’m glad I did.
Gifts for Teens
This first one is a great one for kids who are so socially inept they don’t know how to get in trouble without a book.
Sounds great, doesn’t it? Who hasn’t spent hours in high school hosting film festivals, going on road trips, writing (Communist?) manifestos, or shutting down house parties before the police arrive? Yeah, uh, books are dangerous. Best to stick with tried and true.
This is an awesome idea because everyone knows teens do not want to be interrupted to do such things as go to the kitchen for Nutter Butters. One reviewer complained that she could have gotten all of this from Wal-Mart for around fifteen bucks (including the gift card) but hey, you might have to get out of your chair for that, and you are busy on Facebook. It would be even handier if the coke can could also be used for pee, thus eliminating bathroom breaks. Remember what’s most important – you could be rid of your teen for days!
And last but not least . . .
Gifts For Rover
We can’t forget the family dog who, judging by recent commercials, we feed better quality food to than we do ourselves. No preservatives for my doggie, even if he does lick his bum! But besides food, what do you think your cuddly best friend would want for Christmas?
This is a great toy, as the man in the review (look it up on Amazon – it’s weird) demonstrates. The dog plays with the toy and finds egg squeakers inside it. So it rips them out one by one, squeaking with delight while the fish, penguin, or whichever unfortunate egg-laying animal you use lays helpless, watching its young get eaten by a dog. Like wild kingdom right in your own home!
We found him trying to scale the wall – or, um cabinet.
This actually happened after Olaf was found the first time. Thing Two found him squashed in a corner of the entertainment center. She swears she didn’t put him there. But neither did Thing One, Mr. Alice, or me. So either one of us is lying, or Olaf really did make it from the freezer to the entertainment center a few feet away BY HIMSELF.
I’m not going to think about this further.
After this incident, my husband decided he wanted to help hide Olaf as well. That’s how he ended up so high up. We think. But one of the Things spotted him anyway, before he could make his grand escape over the cabinet door – which left him squashed as that was not, in fact, an exit point. Olaf may be a bit psycho, but he’s not all that bright.
Speaking of psychos, Prince Hans has still decided to carry out his
presidential ruler campaign, certain he can unseat the reigning ruler of Arendelle, Elsa, who is rather unstable herself. But he’s not the only one. There’s more. The Mad Hatter was feeling bored, and figured this was a perfect time to run because why not? Then we got more Republican candidates: Ursula (they’ve got to have one crazy woman), Jafar (Former crooked Vizier to Jasmine’s Dad), that freaky Voodoo guy from the Princess and the Frog who is possibly Satan, the pug from the movie Pocahontas, etc. Speaking of Pocahontas, she is currently running for the Green Party, because someone must stand up for the rocks, and trees, the creatures and the wind. Aladdin is running on the Democratic ticket and stands a good chance because he grew up poor, is really cute, and lies a lot.
This reminds me of something, but I’m not sure what.
One of you might have remembered that some of these guys were taking part in the Hunger Games earlier. Well, it got cancelled, which is a good thing for everyone but Snow White, who remains headless.
If you have any suggestions for write-in candidates, do let us know. And we’ll continue to hide Olaf, for he – has already escaped again. They never did repair that cell Elsa busted open earlier. Oops.
A bag of frozen sausage – made out of teddy bear brains!
See my nitrates? I think we’re gonna have to start getting more creative. I feel like my audience is dying off.
Wait, did Olaf get to you, too? Or was it the political candidates? Did they have the election yet? I don’t even know anymore. I am hiding in the freezer – when Olaf leaves.
A second murder victim! But this one deserves it so it’s cooool!
Thing One decided to hide Olaf on the bed of Thing Two. Hans never stood a chance against the giant snowman.
We did not want to hug him. Just look at that . . . that stare.
Points to anyone who can name the other items in Thing Two’s room. They may be next on his hit list, so this is important!
While I was putting this post together, the Things broke into holiday song, recalling a popular tune from their elementary school days. It involves Barnie, murder, and toilets.
Joy to the World
That Barnie’s Dead
I barbecued his head!
Don’t worry about the body
I flushed it down the potty
And round and round it goes
And round and round it goes
And rooooooound and round and round it goes!
FYI: I recall Thing One singing this in church when she was like seven. We got a few looks. I think that was the same visit when Thing Two changed Moses into Poseidon on her coloring sheet.
A dead anime in a popcorn machine!
It was Thing Two’s turn to hide Olaf first. Thing One and I walked in to find this.
Expect more Olaf pictures (It’s Thing One’s turn next) and other Christmas posts. I’m working on a Best Toys for Christmas list (I always find the most
disturbing appropriate educational items for your little yard apes). Expect information from the front about how Reeces peanut butter Christmas trees are clearly a plot of left wing commies (and Obama!) to destroy Christmas, and other hot political news, like whether Santa is still snowy white. I’m also willing to take ideas if you have some. Or leave me links to your posts – as long as they are on the “light” side because I’m not sure if I can go much deeper than peanut butter cups. Stay tuned, and remember to say your prayers cause Santa is coming, and he knows what you’ve done.