That’s right. I’m totally Alice. And um, this is like my blog and all of you are followers of ME, yes ME Spar . . . um, Alice!
Anyway, I am super excited about all of you who agreed to become my minions er I mean that entered Alice’s uh my contest to win the Sparkly Poneh of Wonder! But you will get so much more just by entering! You see we will not stop at sparkly ponehs. No, there are more sparkly doo-dads to be found, my friends. You know those blog awards your peeps have but you don’t? Well, they are all, ALL going to be ours – all the riches for us – yes, yes, even all the Freshly Pressed badges will all belong to me my precioussssssssssss! I mean us! How will we do it? By taking over WordPress, of course!
You say it can’t be done? Yes it can! We just have to storm WordPress’s headquarters. Well, you do, I’m going to sit on my lightbulb butt er my fair fanny. I’m thinking we can send that dj guy in first. He’ll distract all the editors with his suck uppiness while the rest of you guys can take over the site! There may be casualties, but it’s for a greater cause. Me.
Okay, once we’ve got the Death Star secure, we just have to work on the rest of the blogosphere. WordPress is totally the leading blog site, so all we have to do is get everyone to come here by informing them that Blogger, Tumblr, Linked-In (does anyone actually use that) and everything else sucks monkey brains. They will appreciate us so much for freeing them from crappy blogging platforms that they will obey our every command!
Then from there it’s easy peasy to take over the entire earth. ALL the Xboxes on the planet will be ours to play with, you guyz. Are you confused? Don’t worry, I have this handy chart here . . . somewhere . . .
That’s not my evil domination chart! That’s a xeroxed copy of Squirrel’s butt! Hey!
That’s it, you little rat, give me back my plans!
What? What??? My secret plans! Are you ready for a fight, Pony?
Oh. Oh, uh, no, don’t do that. You wouldn’t do that to Alice your old pal, would you?
Hello, real Alice here now. Wow, that was close. Thank goodness my little furry friends were there for me. It shows they really care.
Close enough. For those of you taken in by Sparky’s plot, as I was, do not feel bad. It happens to all of us. Still, I’d like to congratulate our winner, of the coveted Sparkleponeh and a raccoon sticker from Goldfish’s shop, EvilSquirrel! He was chosen using a complex system created by the Things consisting of checking off Sparky attributes (he had the most, maybe?). He also received bonus points for stealing a picture from my blog to make his own award and for his awesome Bond-ish squirrel drawing. Of course all our contestants did an outstanding job and it was still really hard to choose. Thanks so much for entering, my awesome peeps!
But it seems like there should be something more . . . a second prize, which in keeping with Wonderland tradition will be greater than the first prize. And here it is . . . stickers of my two blog defenders, Sad Pony and Squirrel! These fab pictures of my dynamic duo were created by Goldfish, whose store I will once again promote – she has Halloween stuff there now, guys! Cute freaking ghosties!
The second place winner is djmatticus, narrowly edging out the others based on bonus points for sheer unadulterated enthusiasm. Congrats! If the winners will email me their addresses, I will send out their prizes ASAP! Thanks again all of you for playing along and for being awesome and very unsparkiesh followers.
The Real Alice (accept no substitutes)
I have a lot of education. None of it is in housework. For some reason, I figured since I was going to work outside the home, I wouldn’t actually need to know how to clean. I’m not sure just who I thought was going to be doing the cleaning. Maybe cleaning fairies. Or perhaps I’d buy a self-cleaning house. Degrees in the arts certainly don’t give you the money to hire maids, that’s for certain.
For a short time I was only a housewife. I stayed home with two small children. I had a four-year-old and an infant. When you never get enough sleep and you’re dealing what amounts to a furless screeching cat and a short, insane, drunk person, you just kind of try to survive. Or at least I did.
I knew women whose houses always sparkled, at least when I was there. I couldn’t figure out what she did with the children while cleaning. Kennels? And what about after? Did they just stay in the kennels all day? Does Baby Bjorn make one of those? Wait, no, you shouldn’t treat your child like a dog no matter how much it acts like one, because, you know, illegal.
Anyway, I no longer have little creatures, but a thirteen-year-old and a nine-year-old. Conceivably, these kids should not only know how not to make messes, but be able to clean them up at least part of the time. This hasn’t happened yet. It might be because I haven’t taught them properly because, and I am ashamed to admit this as part of womankind, but I don’t know how to really clean either.
Oh, sure, I get the concept behind putting dishes in a dishwasher and taking out trash and doing laundry and not simply throwing said trash or dishes or laundry on the floor (something that has escaped the children entirely) but as far as real, honest to goodness cleaning with a capital “C”, I don’t have a clue. I am trying to learn, though, not to get my Martha Stewart I am a real woman badge, but to get healthy.
I have horrible allergies. I am allergic to anything green including most trees, bushes, weeds, grasses, etc. I’m also allergic to mold. I can’t tolerate cigarette smoke and dust, well, do you know what’s in those cute dust bunnies? Dust MITES which are disgusting little bugs who not only hang out in your pillow (sleep tight) but have the audacity to just poop all over everything. Even the children now know how to go poop in the toilet. But these mites just consider the world their toilet and all of us get to breathe in their feces.
That was your science lesson for today. You are welcome.
So since I’m allergic to life inside and out, I figured I would start trying to combat it. Um, the allergies, not life, since the allergies are already doing a swell job of combating my life. I get sick all the time, and it’s starting to not be fun anymore. Last year, as anyone who has read my blog for a long period of time knows, I had pneumonia. I wrote, under the influence of fever and various pharmaceuticals, about my journey to mucusland, starting with this (LINK DROP) post, which caused me to miss an entire month of work and weakened me for some time after that. That kind of sucked.
All this to say I’m trying to clean my house and I don’t know how. I decided to get natural cleaners like vinegar (not on chips, although it’s in the food aisle turns out) and bleach added to water. But how much bleach or vinegar to water? I wasted a good chunk of time today trying to figure that out. If it’s ¾ cup to one gallon, and I have a bottle that is 32 ounces, and the train is coming at 80 miles per hour, how long until I say I give up and go eat salt and vinegar chips? Not long.
I also bought a steam vacuum. It has a million attachments and blows out steam all over the place. You can burn yourself on this if you’re stupid, or you know, me. Also I have a vacuum cleaner with fun attachments on order since I’m not too keen on dragging the a50 year old, 200 pound Kirby my husband loves like a family member with me all over the house. I spent a LOT of time picking out vacuums. I even employed friends to help, friends who thought it couldn’t get worse than the yoga obsession I had a few months back.
So I have cleaning supplies and contraptions, if I can figure out how to work them. But I’m so tired just from all the research and from looking at my house which has at least 5 years worth of deep cleaning needed due to my utter lack of a Martha Stewart gene. Maybe I’ll just go take a nap.
So, guys, how do you clean?
Merbear and I tackle another retro ad – this one about a love rug. No, really.
Alice: Is that Hasselhoff??
Merbear: I don’t think so.
Alice: Looks like him, what a douche.
Merbear: He has an afro.
Alice: It’s like having another lover!
Merbear: It strokes as you stroke.
Alice: He is so steamy!
Merbear: I want two lovers.
I love you Love Rug.
Alice: Me too, I want that sensuous furry feel like I get from my husband.
Merbear: I just want that rug, man.
Alice: Do him on the rug, then you can have a three way.
Merbear: Mink. Ah, hell yeah.
Alice: Jaguar – rarrrr!
Merbear: I want to get my fingers caught in his fro.
Alice: That dude on the rug, he looks like a serial killer.
Merbear: Who cares, I bet he thrusts just wonderful, thanks to Love Rug.
Alice: Is it his fro or the rug, I can’t tell.
Merbear: Same material?
Alice: I want fibers caressing my butt cheeks.
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Mr. Jones wins the creeper award on this episode of The Wonder Twins.
Oh, I do hope Marlene comes out to water her plants today.
Hey Mr. Jones, whatcha’ doin?
Oh, hello there Johnny! I am bird watching my boy! I love nature!
Yes, indeed. Birds are amazing creatures.
Golly, I didn’t know we had birds in our house!!
No, of course not! Silly little youngster you are! Run along now.
Aw, shucks! Can I see the birds too? Mr. Jones?
Please? Huh? Can I?
No, I am busy. What was that?
I think I hear your mother calling you.
Mommy is taking a nap before the plumber comes over. She said she has a clog and needs her drain snaked.
For the love of….run along now. Mr. Jones needs a moment to himself to readjust his slacks.
Okay! Bye, Mr. Jones.
*Runs off happily, whistling the theme song to Dave Crockett.*
What would a fine woman like Marlene want to…
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Yo, Homies, Sparkleponies, whazzup in de hood yo fo shizzle? Sparky here. I have no idea what I’m saying, but yo, I am so cool. Alice asked me to write this post here reminding you, AGAIN, that she has that contest in which you, if you dare, get to try to be as awesomesauce as I am. Good luck with that one!
We’re in the home stretch now, down to the wire, end of the line, insert metaphor here. In case you lost your Lol Cats calendar, today is Wednesday, September 25th, and that means you have less than five days (wait, let me count) yeah four days to get your entries in! On Monday, September 30th, Alice will announce the winner, who will receive this incredible sparkly prize – THE SPARKLEPONY!!!
Once more, I will give you our contestants and LINK DROP so you can see their posts. Each of these guys is a real contender and totally deserving of that poneh – but the winner? There can be only ONE, dun dun dunnnnn.
djmatticus (our first brave contestant)
You’re not going to let these guys win it, are you? I mean, Alice even added some raccoon sticker in with the fabulous sparkly amazing pony award. But that’s not all. She’ll even throw in packing paper, you peeps. This is THE contest that can’t be missed, this is the SHIZ!
See you all on Monday, September 30, when we announce the WINNERS of my awesome contest! I have such great plans for you, bwahahahaha, I mean, see you then!
– The Sparkster
Ever heard Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire”? I love how he was able to take a history book and just fling a bunch of historical events together and make them rhyme and sound cool. He started with his birth year and ended up in the 80s I believe. So I thought I might do the same thing, only starting with my birth year and not rhyming or sounding very cool. I found my facts on this website www.thepeoplehistory.com.
I’m sure it’s at least as accurate as Wikipedia. Away we go!
Stuff that happened –
I was born. And there was rejoicing. Especially from my mother who was glad to no longer be pregnant. My brother was so happy he kept the toys he got for me and knocked over my bassinet.
Apple Computer Company started. My family would get the totally hip Apple IIc when I was in grade school. I played a game on it called King’s Quest that took 8 floppy disks. You had to turn the disk every time your little guy walked from one screen to another. I loved that stupid game.
A panel warned that CFCs from aerosol cans can damage the Ozone layer. Americans said “Pfft.”
The U.S. celebrates the 200th anniversary of independence from Britain. Interestingly, Britain celebrates the same thing.
Stuff happens in other countries, like earthquakes that kill a few hundred thousand people. The U.S. was busy introducing the two-dollar bill and punk rock.
I turned four. My brother suggested a Psych evaluation on account of my new invisible friend.
Ronald Reagan was elected. He would go down in history as the GOP’s personal Jesus.
Pac-Man arcade game is released, creating the dreaded “Pac-Man Fever” which killed the brain cells of thousands of kids worldwide.
Someone shot J.R.
John Lennon (actual person) was shot and killed. Jessica Simpson was born, though, bringing balance back to the Force.
Stuff happens in other countries like wars, hurricanes, and terrorist attacks. The U.S. invents the Post-It note.
I turn eight. We get to vote in our Weekly Reader. I randomly circle the guy my friend circles. Many people continue to vote like this into adulthood.
My parents decide the best gift ever for my brother and me are Sony Walkmans (with tape decks) because we shut the hell up on long car trips.
Ronald Reagan is re-elected. 70 US banks fail. Trickle-down economics at work?
Actual music is played on MTV.
Wham! is a popular band. Their “Wake me up before you go-go” really spoke to me.
Stuff happened in other countries like famine, explosions, and the USSR boycotting us right back on the Olympics so there! Or possibly the Russians just didn’t want to go to Los Angeles.
I turn 12. Hormones commence their dirty work.
U.S. Shuttle program resumes 2.5 years after Challenger disaster. Maybe they’ve forgotten about that incident, thinks NASA.
The new drug Crack appears in U.S. cities. No one say we can’t invent stuff.
George Bush Sr is elected, but fortunately Prozac is developed the same year.
1/3 of Yellowstone National Park is destroyed by fire. Yogi Bear and Boo Boo forced to relocate.
The first major computer virus infects computers connected to that promising new Internet.
Stuff happened in other countries like more wars, terrorist attacks, and various natural disasters that kill millions. The U.S. shoots down an Iranian passenger jet. Whoops.
I turn 18. I leave that hive of scum and villainy, er, graduate high school and start college. I go to the local college and live with my parents, which seems like a good idea at the time.
Tonya Harding whacks Nancy Kerrigan in the kneecap and suddenly people care about ice skating.
O.J. Simpson flees police in his bronco in the slowest and stupidest car chase ever.
Republicans dig for dirt on President Bill Clinton (who after two years they have not accepted as president) and come up with the Whitewater scandal.
Stuff happens in other countries like war, outbreaks of the Ebola virus, and the building of the Channel tunnel between France and England which allows them to more easily insult each other. The U.S. genetically engineers a tomato!
I turn 22. I switch majors at the last second, start dating my future husband, graduate college, move, start grad school because they offer me a job as a TA, get married and move again. I take stuff slow.
Bill Clinton (who after 6 years Repubs still haven’t accepted as President) denies he had “sexual relations” with that intern. Republicans are so excited they nearly wet themselves. Politicians discuss whether BJs are sex or not as the World looks on at us in awe.
The U.S. has the first budget surplus in 30 years so naturally the president is impeached for not keeping it in his pants and telling big old fibs about it.
Tobacco companies get a big handslap cause it turns out sucking smoke into your lungs is bad for you after all.
Google is founded and people start doing all their research on the totally reliable Internet!
The FDA approves Viagra. President Clinton is elated.
Stuff happens in those other countries. Russia goes bankrupt, and the Japanese bail out a bunch of banks. This will never happen to the U.S. again because our money comes from Jesus.
I turn 24. Thing One is born. My husband and I wait for her real parents to rescue her from our incompetence.
We have the dumbest election in history. The presidential race is not decided for over a month because Florida has pregnant chads and can’t figure out their own ballots. Bush Jr. is eventually declared the winner and I’m sure it had nothing at all to do with his brother being the governor of Florida.
Nasa says the hole in the Ozone layer over Antarctica has increased like 16 sq miles in just 12 months. Americans go “Pfft.”
The dot.com bubble bursts and lots of white collar geeks in Silicon Valley are no longer able to afford trillion dollar houses. Sadface.
Reality shows “Survivor” and “Big Brother” have their first seasons. It is the beginning of the end of real T.V.
Stuff happened in other countries. Mad Cow disease spreads throughout the European Union, and cellphone disease spreads worldwide. The US finally gives the Panama Canal back to, uh, Panama.
I turn 25. I had a one-year-old. Nothing else happened to me personally.
Two planes flew into the World Trade Center on September 11th, a day that would live in infamy partly because the news continues to talk about it constantly which I’m certain is great for the healing of the people who lost loved ones during the attack.
The U.S. (or rather President Bush Jr.) declares war on Iraq. Phones are tapped. No one dares not support the war in fear of being labeled a terrorist sympathizer. I am as frightened of my own government as I am of the terrorists.
The Dept of Homeland Security is organized, and Bush institutes the Patriot Act. Librarians become heroes. No, seriously. Librarians (both conservative and liberal) are asked to turn over their patron’s records (cause if you check out a terrorism book you must be one). Instead they dump the records, at their own risk, and continue to do so. HA. I love my profession.
Stuff happened in other countries. Like we declared war on one of them.
I turn 28. Stuff start to get normal again and settle down, so we have Thing Two.
Bush Jr. is re-elected. The rest of the world looks at us like we’re total morons, which apparently we are.
Lance Armstrong wins an unprecedented 6th consecutive Tour de France. Nothin’ can stop him now!
Martha Stewart is convicted of a felony and five months in prison. She launches a new show about prison decorating.
First same sex marriage performed in Massachusetts. A plague of locusts happens in West Africa. COINCIDENCE?
Environmental protection laws dropped to allow more logging in US forests. Cause trees are highly overrated.
Stuff happens in other countries like this hurricane in Haiti but the big news is Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction! A BOOB was spotted!
I turn 32. I start my MLS degree online cause Librarian is listed as one of the fastest growing occupations. The recession, naturally, will hit in the middle of this, causing librarians to hold on to their jobs instead of retiring. Naturally.
Barack Obama is elected president to the great surprise of the Republicans, his own party, and probably himself. He is the first African-American president in history and inherits the reigns of a bankrupt country that is hated by almost every major world power. Congrats, Barack!
Though McCain (the Repub candidate) lost the election, he introduced us all to Sarah Palin, the woman he chose as VP because, um, she was a woman. A brainless one. Who talks and talks and talks. And is still AROUND. I will never forgive John McCain for this. Neither will a lot of his party.
Republicans aren’t sore losers, they just suspect Obama shouldn’t be president cause he like is a Muslim terrorist non-citizen unpatriotic anti-Christ. All valid concerns.
Increasing oil prices cause inflation. Unemployment increases. Wheee!
Katy Perry kisses a girl and reportedly likes it.
Writers start expecting to get paid for their work on T.V. and go on strike. TV stations are like, pfft, who needs writers? More reality TV comin’ up!
Stuff happened in other countries but SERIOUSLY we were broke and had no entertainment. SUCKAGE!
Add it up. I arrive on WordPress. Ta-da! I gain “fame” by covering 50 Shades of Crap.
Barack Obama is re-elected to the surprise of the Republicans, his own party, and probably himself. I experience relief on a scale I haven’t in ages, but am very respectful toward the losing side. Not really. This doesn’t happen often. I gloat like hell.
Wackos fear the world will end and stock up on the 3 foods most bought from Wal-Mart during emergencies (for realz): beer, peanut butter, and pop tarts.
The world doesn’t end. Surprise!
I’m about ready to give up on my blog. I toss a post up randomly. It is Freshly Pressed. WOOT.
Alice remains Alice.
Marlene follows her dream. Marlene’s standards are, well, check it out . . .
A girl should always follow her dreams.
I will share a secret with you. The summer after I graduated from high school, I ran away from home. I had saved my babysitting money from watching those dreadful little Johnson children, watching every penny.
Lets face it. I had the look and still have a great can.
I wanted to be a movie star, like Joan Crawford. So I bought a ticket to Hollywood and got a job at a very nice establishment.
I met an older woman who showed me the ropes.
I wonder whatever happened to poor Lola. She was the best damn showgirl I ever knew.
Anyways, she told me I needed to pick a stage name. I hadn’t thought of this before. I loved my name, it always suited me perfectly. Eventually, I asked dear Lola to choose one for me.
What’s that Mary Alice?…
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I have learned a lot posing as a squirrel on Facebook. Yes, I’m still there. Or rather, Squirrel is still there. Possessed by a sugar rush, one day Squirrel went around “friending” all sorts of weird stuff. Like the company that makes Spam. So we get posts from them. Lots of posts. It’s far out. One thing I can say – these people are really passionate about their work. They even made a museum for Spam.
No I’m not kidding. Even worse, they have a mascot. I can prove it. (Click to Enlarge Pictures)
I just have to ask – why? Why do we need a Spam museum? What could they possibly have there? Please say they do not have historical pieces of Spam on display. That could get pretty nasty. Maybe there’s towers of spam containers. It’d be like shopping at Costco, except the only product would be . . . Spam. Sounds exciting, doesn’t it? Or even . . . mouthwatering?
But wait, there’s more. On World Photography Day (yeah that’s a thing too) Spam asked people to share pictures of their Spam.
Sooo like people take pictures of their Spam? Do they pose the Spam certain ways? Do they keep photo albums filled with only Spam photos? If you have dumped out the photos of your children and replaced them with photos of Spam, you might have a problem. Seek help immediately.
Would you like to show everybody you are a
freaked out maniac Spam enthusiast? Do you have no fashion sense? Well, Spam has just the thing for you! Check it out. Spam Hats.
To keep things hip and interesting, Spam offers contests to win – you guessed it -more Spam and Spam products! In this one, you just had to email your favorite Spam memory to the folks at Spam Central or wherever for a chance to win this lovely gift basket o’ Spam. You’ll notice Squirrel offered up his own memory. Sadly, it was not a winning one. Ah, well.
So I get these sorts of Spam posts all the time on Facebook. But that’s not all. I get Spam other places as well, like say this blog. Okay, it’s not the sort of Spam you eat, or at least I wouldn’t advise it. You really don’t know where this spam has been. I’ve noticed lately that the usually excellent spam filter on WordPress has not been working as well. Stuff is slipping through the old grater. Either that or our spammers have gotten more clever. Check out some of the comments that made it through to my blog.
Written by the cleverly disguised blogger “Site”: I am really glad to read this weblog posts which includes tons of valuable facts, thanks for providing such data.”
Quite the compliment, Site, but I’m a wee bit suspicious considering you got these valuable facts from one of my 50 Shades of Grey reviews.
Next up is “Raspberry Ketones Ultra” (how do they come up with these totally realistic blogger names? I dunno!):
“My relatives every time say that I am wasting my time here at web, but I know I am getting familiarity every day by reading thes pleasant content.”
Yeah, sorry, but I’m afraid your relatives might be right.
And finally . . . “accountant bendigo” has this to say: “Hi there, I want to subscribe for this webpage to take hottest updates,
therefore where can i do it please assist.”
This comment was in response to a post I wrote with Merbear entitled “Alice and Merbear’s State of the Hoo-Ha Address.” I think accountant bendigo is a pervert. I might have to invite him over sometime.
Okay, well, that’s more than enough spam for one day. Let’s see what’s for dinner . . . oh, man.
I sense a bit of unrest on my blog . . . to be continued.