I’m gonna shock everybody here, but did you like know that a lot of Reality TV is not real at all? Like the people in it aren’t really people, they’re actors, and they’re reading scripts – it’s bad actors and bad scripts, but still. Yet a lot of people believe this crap!
The trend all seemed to start with Survivor – a show that implies you’re supposed to survive something other than really awful characters and that jerk host. I found that show amusing from day one. These peeps be all by themselves, survivin’ in the elements like they’re the freaking Donner Party, you know, if the Donners had cameras trained on the at all time. And if the camera people were just sitting there eating sandwiches while the Donners decided which of their pals looked tastiest. Yeah, right. You know if there had been a camera man, the Donners would totally have eaten him first.
Same with Survivor. Oh, dear, how will they find food? How will they survive the extreme weather? How will they keep from strangling the inevitable irritating people they include on the show? I’m on the edge of my seat here. They’re in such danger. At any time a wild animal or something could show up, and they’d be taken away in a plane! Wow they are so brave!
And that’s the thing . . . if you take away the actual danger, it means nothing at all. Not to go all geek on you, but there is a scene in a Star Trek movie that proves this point. In it, Captain Kirk has been in this pretend world that basically lets him do and be whatever he wants. But then he realizes, when he has his horse jump over a gorge, that he did not feel that same thrill – because he knew he’d make it. He had to make it – this was dream world. With no possible danger, you don’t have risk. There is no real accomplishment when there is no chance of failure.
It’s like that old show Swiss Family Robinson, where this family treats their survival of a shipwreck like a family vacation. They build a way cool treehouse with all the best Western conveniences, and they domesticate an ostrich, a zebra, and of course an elephant. This is all totes believable right? I can’t believe Disney didn’t market this as a reality show.
But why watch Disney when you can catch the star of “Man Vs. Wild” survivalist Bear Grylls, who answers the age old question: does a bear crap in the woods? Answer? Yes. This dude is like the professor on Gilligan’s island – though he carries only a knife and some flint, he can craft his own raft, eat bugs, bite heads off of snakes, swim in freezing waters, make a coon skin cap out of a rabid wolverine, etc, all while being followed by a probably really bored camera crew that does not aid him in any way, for reals. They probably sit back and laugh a lot. I would.
Anyway, he can do these things in between visits to hotels. No, Alice, don’t burst the bubble! Already done, like 7 years ago, proving once again I am on the pulse of today’s news. A consultant for the show, who was probably getting sick of Bear and his crap (pun intended), tattled to the New York Times that when Bear was “surviving” in the Sierra Nevada mountains, he survived the night in “a luxurious hotel with its own spa on a lake.” Another time, while surviving on a desert island, he hung out in hotels in Hawaii. Best of all, in this same episode, he led a team of builders to create a raft out of bamboo and leaves and stuff, then had them dismantle it so he could miraculously put it together on camera! Bear, you are my hero!
Bear of “Man VS Wild and Bad Hotel Service” is hardly the only guy out survivin’ on camera for us. We’ve also got a hippie guy who wears pigtails and walks around on bare feet along with a slightly more normal friend, a husband and wife team in which the wife constantly yammers at the husband making the real survival him not smacking her, a couple of people stripped naked (with thankfully blurred private parts), and more. In other words, we’re talking a lot of privileged Western white people playing Swiss Family Robinson on film.
So what do you guys think of our “Survival” reality shows? Is there a show you’d like to see them make? Like maybe a man surviving in a little girl’s room, forced to participate in tea parties for hours on end, wear tutus, and play Barbies. The possibilities are endless, and probably you could find a network more than willing to pick them up. I’m thinking the best one would be a crossover – like say Cougar Wives Vs. The Wild, where these old ladies have to find a young hottie Tarzan to save them from New York City before it’s too late!
Anyway, I’d love to see your ideas. Put them in the comments section below, and I’ll highlight the best survival reality show ideas in an upcoming post!
Last post I talked to you about Disney’s Aladdin and promised to tell you about the original story today. Some of you said you thought Aladdin was a real jerkwad, which he is, but if you compare him to the original Aladdin he comes off looking like Nelson Mandela in comparison. No, really.
“Aladdin and the Wonderful Lamp” is one of the stories from an ancient Eastern fairy tale collection known as The Arabian Nights. The story goes that this sultan kept marrying these girls only to kill them the next morning. Not sure why, just for giggles I guess. Anyway, when this Scheherazade chick gets picked by him, she decides to tell him some bedtime stories and he’s so into them that he keeps letting her live so she can finish them. She does this for 1,001 nights which means she is either a really awesome storyteller or she was just trying to put the sultan to sleep on purpose. Considering the number of pointless details to just the story of Aladdin (As Thing One asks, what was the point of making 24 windows in the palace coated in jewels only to leave one unfinished? why???) I’m going to go with the latter.
I got this particular translation from The Arabian Night’s Entertainments, edited by Andrew Lang. He informs us that “a great deal that is very dull and stupid was put in, and plenty of verses” but “Neither the verses nor the dull pieces are given in this book.” If this is the case, I never, ever want to see the book he is referring to, because the crap he left in is both dull and stupid.
But onto the story. In this version, Aladdin does have parents, but he’s a lazy brat that plays in the streets. This “grieved the father that he died.” Wow. I mean, my kids can drive me up the wall too, but they’ve yet to cause spontaneous death by laziness. Pretty impressive, Aladdin. One day this mysterious African magician claiming to be this Middle Eastern kid’s “uncle” shows up and Aladdin’s mom hates him so much she’s like “Hey, yeah, go with him, why not?” So they travel together and the uncle says “I will show you something wonderful.”
It turns out he can open the earth and there’s this cave down there and Aladdin is like “heck with this” but the uncle smacks him, gives him a ring, and tells him to go down and get him a lamp and some jewels off a tree. The magician wants to kill Aladdin as soon as he comes out, and who can blame him, but Aladdin’s all nuh uh, let me out first and then I give you the lamp, man. Uncle traps him in there.
So Aladdin uses the lamp to summon Robin Williams right? Nope. He accidentally rubs the ring that the magician gave him for no apparent reason and out pops a genie of the ring. He’s all “Yo, what you want, be speakin’ quick homie” and Aladdin demands to be rescued from the cave. Then he goes to his mom and they rub the lamp and pow, here comes another genie, cause that’s what this little upstart needs is TWO powerful beings serving his every whim. He orders the lamp genie to bring them fast food and all sorts of crap cause he’s an entitled little creep.
Then one day the sultan tells everyone to close their doors cause his daughter’s going to the bath and Aladdin decides to peep on her cause he’s also a pervert. She’s beautiful of course so he tells his mom he wants to marry her and to her credit his mom laughs in his face. But he threatens suicide if Mom doesn’t do as he asks (our hero), so Mom takes some jewels he got wrapped up in a “napkin” from Sonic or something and puts them before the sultan.
The sultan is all into the jewels so says Aladdin can marry his daughter. But then he like, forgets, and tells the vizier’s son he can marry her. So you figure Aladdin has the genie make him a prince so he can compete right? That wouldn’t be nearly creepy enough, folks. Aladdin demands that the genie bring him the princess and her bridegroom that night. So the genie does so, beaming the newlywed’s bed, with the couple in it, to Aladdin.
Aladdin has the genie dump the guy out in the cold and the poor princess is all wtf, but Al is all “Hey, babe, I’m your real hubby, let’s snuggle.” And he sleeps right next to the terrified girl. And if that’s not enough, he does it the second night too. No word on whether the married couple has any fun times before, after, or during the time Aladdin is beaming them off in their bed. Lazy, entitled perv, I mean, our hero.
So the princess tries to tell Dad what’s happening but he threatens to chop off her head cause all the men in this story are jerks. Then her husband confirms it, and asks if he can have a quickie divorce cause Aladdin creeps him the heck out. But Aladdin’s happy, and gets the genie to pretty him all up with lots of slaves -white and black! – to attend him and then he has the genie make a big freaking palace cause what else was the genie doing, and then he marries the lucky, lucky girl.
Then suddenly the story talks about how Aladdin is gentle and modest and courteous and wait is EL James writing this because the main character is none of these things. Anyway, the evil uncle magician comes back and hears about Aladdin’s palace and tricks the princess into exchanging an old lamp for a new one. Naturally she takes the magic one that Aladdin never bothered to tell her about cause, duh, woman.
And the magician spirits her and the castle off and the poor girl has yet another jerk to contend with, and he’s apparently so bad he makes Aladdin look good in comparison, cause she’s actually happy to see him when he rescues her. And THE END oh but WAIT the magician had a brother and are you freaking kidding me? Even the genie is ticked about this and tells Aladdin quit being a jerkwad, the magician’s brother is here dressed in drag (don’t ask) so kick him out. And then it is finally THE END.
Now don’t you think the Disney version is great now?
Hey, a male protagonist that doesn’t wear tights in a Disney movie ? You betcha. We’ve got a movie with Robin Williams, great songs, a good villain, some action, the required romance with a girl who is not a complete moron, and Robin Williams.
In the opening song, a street vendor sings about the land he comes from saying “Where they cut off your ear if they don’t like your face . . . it’s barbaric, but hey, it’s home.” Peeps got mad, so in the video, they ended up having to dub the line with something that wasn’t nearly as funny as hand chopping. Killjoys.
Anyway, we start with the villain Jafar. He is trying to get this magic lamp out of this far out cave made of sand. At least he’s smart enough to send in someone else first, and the guy tries to grab something besides the lamp, which triggers the cave to collapse. Jafar and his bird Iago – of course there’s a freaking animal sidekick, played by Gilbert Godfrey of all things – are not pleased. Having to hear Godfrey’s shrieking voice for an entire movie -and through the mouth of a parrot at that –was true Disney cruelty. Anyway, the cave tells Jafar to seek the diamond in the rough.
Next we meet Aladdin, resident street rat. He’s a thief but as he says “I steal only what I can’t afford. That’s everything.” He and his monkey companion Abu – of course he has an animal sidekick – get chased all over by fortunately stupid guards. When they finally get a break to eat, they see starving children and Aladdin hands over his bread. I like how the monkey shoves most of his in his mouth really fast.
Then comes our heroine Jasmine, who is out in the gardens with her – sigh – animal sidekick, a tiger named Rajah. Her father, another of those short, weeble-like men that somehow produced a gorgeous daughter, is trying to marry her off and she’s ticked. I don’t blame her, considering her father is a total moron who is being controlled by the snake on Vizier Jafar’s staff. She decides to run away, and the tiger boosts her up over the palace walls which really weren’t all that high. Security fail.
Of course Jasmine doesn’t have a flipping clue about how real life works (let them eat cake!) so she fairly quickly finds herself nearly getting her hand chopped off for taking an apple. They didn’t cut this out of the movie. Moving on. Aladdin helps talk her way out of it, explaining that his poor sister is crazy. Jasmine obliges and says “Hello, doctor” to a camel.
They run away and Aladdin leads her up to his hideout that overlooks the city, and they talk about how both of them are miserable. Jasmine because she’s beautiful and rich and might have to marry, and Aladdin because he has no home, no parents, no food, and hangs out with a possibly rabid monkey. I’m thinking Aladdin has it slightly worse than Jasmine here.
Jafar hypnotizes the Sultan and gets his blue ring which he uses in some plot device to find this diamond in the rough who is, surprise, Aladdin. He sends guards to arrest Aladdin, but Jasmine pulls out the old “I’m the royal freaking princess” trick. The guards say they are acting on Jafar’s orders, take her and arrest Aladdin anyway. Aladdin is tossed in prison, and Jafar tells Jasmine he had him executed. Jasmine is upset because like, he wasn’t a jerk or a moron like most of the people she knows.
Meanwhile, Jafar disguises himself as a freaky old guy and gives him a get out of jail free card in exchange for helping him get the lamp out of the freaky cave. He’s told not to touch anything but the lamp. But Aladdin’s stupid enough to bring the monkey. D’oh. Aladdin finds yet another sidekick, a flying carpet, who is sort of alive, in a rug sort of way. Good thing because the monkey – reason #5,000 to hate monkeys – grabs a giant jewel and the cave gets all bitchy and starts to collapse.
The carpet scoops up Aladdin and monkey and cue Indian Jones scene! Crap is fallin’ everywhere but they make it to the entrance where Jafar tells him to give ‘em the lamp. Aladdin starts to do so when Jafar produces a knife and finally monkey comes in handy and bites him (Hope Viziers can counteract rabies!) and he drops both Aladdin and the lamp into the cave as the sand washes over them.
But all is not lost, except Aladdin’s place in the movie, because he rubs the lamp and ka-bam, out comes Robin Williams. Er, the genie. Also an awesome musical number, “You Ain’t Never Had a Friend Like Me.” So true. I want a friend that grants me freaking wishes. Where is my genie friend, life? Aladdin says he wants out of the cave and the genie transports them out into the desert. Aladdin then informs him he still has three wishes because he didn’t actually wish to be out of the cave, the genie did that himself. Oh, snap. Aladdin is the first lawyer in Agrabah.
Aladdin asks the genie what he would wish for, and the genie says, duh, freedom from granting wishes to schmucks like you. Aladdin promises to use his third wish to set the genie free. The genie wisely doubts this one. Aladdin then wishes to be a prince, so he can win Jasmine, who is clearly so interested in riches and princes since she ran away to the marketplace. But Aladdin’s a guy and clueless. Genie makes him into a prince.
Back at the castle, Jafar is trying to con Sultan Weeble into letting him marry Jasmine so he can be Sultan. But he’s interrupted by the second awesome musical number “Prince Ali”. Aladdin shows up with elephants, dancing girls, swordsmen, a menagerie of animals, etc etc. Jasmine rolls her eyes and is all “what-ev-ah”.
Aladdin literally bursts into the castle on an elephant that used to be his monkey. Don’t ask. He and Jafar argue over who gets to have Jasmine, like she’s an Xbox. She says “Oh no you did-n’t”. So Aladdin has to figure out some other way to con her. The genie suggests the truth, but Aladdin is like, heck with that crap, and brings out the magic carpet. Girls dig nice rides. Jasmine is no different, and they take off together on the carpet in another musical number “A Whole New World”.
Aladdin gets back and boom, Jafar has his minions attach him to a heavy rock and drop him off a cliff. Genie rescues him. Jasmine is really impressed with the carpet – I mean Aladdin – and says she’ll marry him. Remember guys, always have a nice ride! Just one problem: Al has no idea how to be a sultan. Of course, neither did Jasmine’s dad, but Al is actually worried and tells the genie he can’t free him like cause he’ll need him later. Jerk alert.
But then Jafar gets suspicious of him, and the bird spies on him and finds out oh oh he’s using the lamp and steals it for Jafar. Stuff gets real, and Jafar wishes himself Sultan and has the genie kick out Aladdin to the ends of the earth during a fit of redecorating. Aladdin hops on the magic carpet and flies back. Maybe Jafar should have checked to see if he had a flying rug first. Oh, well.
Jafar is having a much better time with the lamp than Aladdin, cause he’s already dressed up Jasmine like an Arabian Princess Leia complete with chains. Then Jafar asks the genie to make him a sorcerer and he and Aladdin are fighting while Jasmine is busy drowning in a giant hourglass full of sand. Then Aladdin encourages Jafar to ask to be a genie and the genie is like, you moron, Aladdin, but he was actually thinking. Cause the guy had giant cosmic powers, but was able to be sucked into a lamp and stored.
So the genie puts everything back like it was and Jasmine knows that Aladdin’s been lying to her this entire time but he’s cute and did save her life so what the heck, she’ll still marry him. Aladdin frees the genie and THE END except they made two sequels nobody watched.
But what is the story BEHIND the Disney tale? I admit it had been a long time since I’d read any other version of Aladdin, so I googled it and came upon this totally whack translation of the original and there is just too much cray cray for me to talk about it in this already long blog post. I’ll talk about that in the next post.
So what did you guys think of Disney’s Aladdin? Stay tuned next time for the botched up story of Pocahontas!
It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear
When it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month
Or even your year . . . .
– The Rembrandts
I realize the above image has been used quite a bit, but I really can’t think of a better way to describe today. My alarm went off, and my brain said . . .
And that was pretty much the only intelligible thing it produced. No. Go back to sleep. You has not had the sleeps and you cannot the function. On a good day I figure my brain is working at about half capacity, which is half of the one/tenth or whatever we use of our brains. I’m not sure what we do with the rest of our brains. Probably look at cat gifs.
I kept hitting snooze. My counselor once said “Do you think maybe you are afraid one day you might just not go to work? As in, not even call in. Just not show up.” Do I?
But I got up. Somehow. And I did the whole morning thing that I griped about in that other post called . . . um . . . crap, I forget. “Bunch of Whining”, maybe. The girls laughed. Yay, Mommy is out of her mind and can’t form complete sentences! You are so funny, Mommy! Yes, yes, this is totally a joke. WTF, where am I?
So now I am at the work, and I’m being extremely productive in that I managed to find Google Images and raid my thingy that has the images stored in it on WordPress my um, oh the media library. Library, of course I would forget that word. And people have insisted on talking to me, as if I am somehow capable of understanding human speech at this point. They also have the audacity to be happy for some reason.
Part of my problem as I think I said before was that I am not sleeping well. Next month I’m having a sleep study done which should make a fascinating post. And then I put on the electrodes. And I drooled. Etc. Anyway, since I couldn’t sleep, I was watching TLC and there was this show on called “Extreme Cougar Wives” and I’m like so there’s an age difference that’s not really that OMG THAT LADY IS 90 AND HER BOYFRIEND IS 47. How is she even still you know, I don’t, no, this should not be happening!
I had another post planned for today, but I forgot to write it. It was about how to get rid of a body, saying you needed to do this at some point. I’m not saying I would. But it was inspired when DJ wrote this supposedly fictional post about this psycho killer (warning: contains psycho killer, awesome creepiness, and DJ) and after reading it all I could think was that, hey, where did the guy put the body? And so we had this long back and forth about it, and maybe I’ll tell you about that tomorrow. I do know that his mother was slightly concerned for DJ’s mental state, which I found absolutely hilarious. Until this morning when I woke up like this:
So . . . there you go. Much like a Stephenie Meyer novel, I have no idea what I just wrote. Enjoy. Have the fun of the blog post is interesting read.
Communicating online is tough. You just can’t get inflection across very easily. Sometimes people think you’re being sarcastic when you’re not. This is not usually the case with me, since most of the time yes I am being sarcastic. But every once in a while, I might say something nice. In this case, I need to let you know I mean it. Since there is no sarcasm or serious font, the next best thing is our buddy, the smiley. 😀
Smileys are fabulous for getting intent across. I can literally say pretty much anything and as long as I add a smiley at the end, it’s all okay. For instance, I could say “You suck. :D.” and it’s just like saying, “You suck – just kiddin’!” People love it when you say that. A smiley is so much more efficient than having to write out “just kiddin'”, though.
Likewise, frownies also have their place. Like if your friend says a house fell on her mother, and you don’t know how to console her, you can just make a frowny. :(. Sadface, my friend. Or you can offer online hugs. ((hugs)). These are even safer than those side hugs that ultra conservative Christians do.
But really, nothing takes the place of a good smiley. Especially if said person hates emoticons. Here’s a quick example:
Darren: Hi! 😀
Sabrina: I hate smileys.
Darren: Sorry 😦
Sabrina: Actually I hate all emoticons. They are so irritating. Why do people use those? I mean, gawd . . .
Sabrina: Now you’re just being a jerk.
Darren: You suck, Sabrina. 😀
See? Darren gets his point across to Sabrina, but he softens the blow with a smiley.
But things have changed recently in WordPress land, and I don’t know if you’ve noticed. Our smileys have gone rogue. I used to get this cute little smiley and now I’ve got Buckwheat here. :D. I don’t get it. Why does WordPress have to change stuff? You suck, WordPress, you and your smileys. 😀
Still, whatever form your smiley comes in, it is a useful part of our new vocabulary. Do you guys use smileys? Do they annoy you? Did this post annoy you? If so, I’m totes sorry. :D. I do have to ask, though, how do you make one of those puking faces like you use when instant messaging? This could help me out when I’m reviewing awful television shows like on TLC. A terrified smiley would also come in handy. Anyone with computer skillz that knows how to translate this on WordPress, please let me know. I will reward you handsomely. :D. No really, I will. 😀
“I don’t want to work
I want to bang on the drum all day.”
6:00 AM I’m sooo sleepy but hey it’s FRIDAY people and that’s a HAPPY day cause it’s the end of the week, right? Yeah! Nothing can get me down!
6:10-6:40 AM Eat cereal. Do breathing treatment with the nebulizer (LUKE I AM YOUR FA-THER) and play pretend farm on the Nook (pretend cows don’t milk themselves), use long-acting (supposedly) asthma inhaler. Rinse mouth out a zillion times. Use nasal spray. Hope to breathe. Uh, oh, time to wake up children.
“I don’t want to play, I just want to bang on the drum all day . . .”
6:40-6:50 AM Snuggle with Thing One. Try not to fall asleep. Encourage her that it is Friday and that’s awesome cause Friday and last day and for God’s sake get up. Go to Thing Two’s room. She is in a loft bed which seemed like a good idea at the time until I figured out I couldn’t climb up there and get her out. Pelt her with stuffed animals. Yammer at her. Stand on toes and poke at her. Yell.
“I took a stick and an old coffee can, I bang on that thing ’til I got blisters on my hand . . .”
6:50 -7:00 AM Forgot to wash jeans. Just how dirty are they? Wow, yeah, that’s a few too many stains to pretend I didn’t notice. Wear work pants that are less dirty. Thing One wanders in with a pop tart. Send her to check on little sister and make sure she’s out of bed and getting dressed. Someone has to do it, and it’s not gonna be me. I’m prostrate on the bed, but at least I’m dressed.
“I don’t want to work, I want to bang on the drum all day . . .”
7:00 AM Door slams. Thing One reports that Thing Two is, in fact, dressing. Hallelujah.
7:00-7:10 AM. Make stab at brushing teeth. Actually stab gums. Thing Two is wearing a black shirt with cats that says “We are Strange” over a pink shirt along with a lacy blue skirt, some sort of pants that hit between her knee and ankle, but no shoes. There is a strand of pink fake hair in her short hair that she is insisting on tying back with barrettes. I am just informed it is picture day at school. I tell her to take the pink hair out. I can have one standard right? Thing Two has first conniption fit.
“The teacher told me I should stay after school, She caught me pounding on the desk with my hands
But my licks was so hot, I made the teacher wanna dance.”
7:10-7:15 AM. Thing two has second fit. No lunch sacks because my husband insists on throwing out all my plastic bags that I save. For trash liners. And lunch sacks. He doesn’t throw anything away INSIDE the bags, no, just my bags. Like I can send a lunch in a giant paper sack? I plot his demise.
7:15-7:25 AM. I am informed that it is also picture day for singing group Thing Two is involved in. She needs her group shirt. No idea where it is. I need to get going. Every minute I’m late means one more moron with stupid stick people figures on their SUVS dropping off their brats and blocking me in. I get in my car and plug in my MP3 and loudly play
“I don’t want to work, I want to bang on the drum all day”
7:25-7:30 AM Thing One is in the car. We are grooving and beating on the dash. Thing Two storms out later, incensed that no one else is upset about her plight. We drive by Sonic so I can get caffeine cause GOD I NEED IT.
7:30 AM Reach Thing Two’s school. She is still howling despite my turning the volume way up on my song. Now she has realized she forgot her lunch. I give her a dollar – no way am I going back. I tell her to quit screeching or the other kids will be annoyed. She says she’s just upset that I got a coke when I COULD have been helping her find her shirt, after all.
“And I get my sticks and go out to the shed, And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head”
7:30-7:40 AM Peal out from elementary school. Drive Thing One to her school all the way across town because that’s just so convenient. We yammer and sing along to the song. This time I remember to stop at her school, unlike the time when I just drove right past it and was almost at work, talking all the time, when I realized she was still with me. She hangs out as long as she can until I tell her she has to go in. I feel like a bad parent for making her go to junior high.
7:40-7:50 AM I drive to my work which is actually only five minutes from my house but nevermind and there is no parking because they took away our staff and faculty parking cause like, who needs morale, right? I drive around a while and find one spot at the very back of the parking lot – one spot in handicapped, mind you. I get the awesome placard on account of the cold air making my lungs go splodey. Yay, me!
“I don’t want to work, I want to bang on the drum all day”
7:50 – 7:55 AM Sit in car listening to music a while. It’s not 8:00 AM yet. Realize I have forgotten my own lunch.
7:55 – 8:00 AM Trudge to work with headphones in ears. Those college kids have something going there. I am not actually here, I am banging the drum. All day.
How is your Friday going? I’m tired already. Is it time to go home yet?
Some posts take me a while to write. Well, actually it takes me longer for me to find idiot pictures to stick in the middle of my word walls than it does to write the post, but whatever. And then there are posts I throw up in minutes. These are the posts that get lots of response. Naturally. So when I wrote about boogers, (Link Drop!) it should come as no surprise that people liked it. So I figured – that’s what this blog needs. More boogers.
I also felt that my booger post, being so intellectually stimulating, should be submitted to Freshly Pressed. So I submitted it myself by tweeting it on Twitter.
Someone had to do it. Just like when I was playing Goldfish’s madlibs contest and I voted for myself. But I did like some other entries too so I went to another computer and voted for someone else. As it turns out, voter fraud pays off because I won third place! Woot! Check out my badge.
Anyway, sadly I did not receive a response from Freshly Pressed. This made me sadfaced. Clearly booger posts are underrepresented by Freshly Pressed editors. They need to get on the ball with that. But until they do, I have come up with a solution. Yet another badge of my own. This would have been perfect if I had remembered St. Patrick’s Day was Monday and posted it then, because the badge is all green and lucky. Here it is.
I know, the craftsmanship on this baby is awesome. I would have used one of my personal boogers, but it wouldn’t scan very well, so I just made a drawing of its likeness. Cool, huh? Anyway, I’m storing this baby away with my Creeper and Douchecanoe Awards, just in case I find a thoroughly stupid and repulsive, I mean fascinating and intellectual post to give it to some day. Just wait! It might be you!
How do you get picked? Easy, just pick something to write about that’s fun and bouncy, and just a little bit salty. Don’t be shy, just let it all hang out. Or just write about boogers. Or something else disgusting. And then – woot – you can have this baby bestowed upon you. I know. Who could ask for anything more? Except possibly a Kleenex?
Do you guys have any posts worthy of a Freshly Picked nod? If so, send them to me, Alice, at firstname.lastname@example.org. Or just link to it in the comments. Or forget all about it. You’ll be glad you did.
Aaaaaand the Things and I are back with part two of the Total Eclipse of the Stupid. Enjoy while we go try to scrub out our brains. Click here for part one.
More new vamp dude. Something’s coming. Let’s get to ittttt! Volturi (head honcho vamps in black cloaks) are standing by
Girl vamp: People will think we’re ineffective.
Me: You arrrrrrrre.
Graduation: We see Bella’s “friend” who actually has sense and looks forward to something besides Edwarrrrd OMGGGGG. What a jerk.
T1: Good thing we didn’t have to see Bella’s speech
Me: She didn’t have one. She majored in Edward.
Bella is most boring party guest ever. Jacob comes by to say “Sorry for assaulting you, here’s a gift”. Alice has another vision that the vampire army is coming (they are all sniffin’ Bella’s PJs). In four more days. Kill me now.
We have ANOTHER vampire council. Forget action, how about more talking!
They are “playing with the blind spots in Alice’s vision.” Yeah blind spots big enough to dump a truck through. Both Edward and Jacob are willing to sacrifice everyone else in their groups all for Bella. Oy.
So meeting with vamps and wolves. Sigh. Eddie sees Bella’s gift from Jacob.
T1: Just shut up about it already
Mercifully he does. So the new vamps are more powerful because their human blood lingers in their tissues. Wait, what? Vampires are stronger than humans and oh, just, nevermind. Vampires practice fight.
T2: Vampire / Wolf montage!!
Bella pets Jacob.
T1: I want a cute, cuddly boyfriend!
Jasper tells his backstory as a Confederate soldier. Yup, now wondering why Steph didn’t write the dang books about the other vampires. That would be bearable.
Oh, crap, we’re back with Bella lying around with Edward. It would really suck not to ever sleep, especially around her. They mouth breathe and stammer and stare and Bella says “Maybe Alice can’t see it cause Victoria is hiding behind someone else making the decision.” As in, one more plot hole for Alice’s visions, dude.
T1: Hey, Bella is actually, like, processing things now.
Short scene with new vamp dude (no need to name him) and Victoria. Why can’t we have more Victoria, movie?
Edward is leaving to go – sit around and think about Victoria or whatever.
Bella: You take all the risks
Edward: If it’s Victoria involved (duh), I need to get you as far away as possible.
Me: Like, except when you left her totally at her mercy in the last movie?
Bella: It’s dangerous for us to be apart
T1: That’s true, she tried to kill herself last time.
Edward: I can’t make you choose between me and your family
T1: What? Bella did it no probs.
Jacob shows up. Bella says stuff. Jacob poses.
T1: Whatever. I’m hot.
Edward and Jasper make stinky jokes about dogboy. They decide Jacob will carry Bella around cause Jacob stinks. Or something.
T1: Rock a bye Bel-la
Me: Why can’t Bella just walk close to him? Why carry her?
T1: She could just rub his armpit sweat all over herself
More yammering about how Jacob thinks Bella really loves him and she says no and they walk and yammer and helpppp.
Bella comes back . . . wait, why? She’s at her dad’s house. He is having fun with Alice, who is clearly a better daughter than Bella.
Alice yammers something about their plan, still not making sense. Camping, sleepovers, hunting, wait, what?
Bella talks with Dad. Hey Dad, how come you didn’t remarry? Hey Dad, here’s some more salt for your wound. Dad says she should wait much much later to marry. Yes. Please. Dad tries to bring up “intimacy” and Bella’s all “ewww gross.”
Bella: Dad – I’m a virgin!
Dad freaks out a little.
T1: Finally she acts like a real teenager. I think she smiled.
Bella goes to Edward’s. Arghhh, when are they going to have something happen? Anything?
Edward: Why are you outside?
Bella looks like she’s doing the potty dance.
T1: I have to go potty.
They go in a room with a bed
Bella: There’s a bed. (genius!)
More mumbling and staring and huffing and puffing and Bella goes smoochyface.
Bella: I want youuuu. I wanna have sex as a human.
T1: Fast forward, fast forward!
They make out – in fast forward. Then Eddie stops cause he wants to protect her soul. No sexy times before marriage!
Me: Yeah, protect her soul until he uh, turns her into a vampire. Right.
T1: Whaaat? Gross, Bella’s the one who wants this?
Me: This is NOT the way it normally goes. It’s usually the guy.
We fast forward past the rest of the angsty muttering, then have to go back cause we missed the proposal. Eddie is talking about asking her dad’s permission (say whaat?) and getting down on one knee.
T1: He looks like he’s about to puke.
He gives Bella his mom’s ring he somehow still had. He asks if she’ll do him the “extraordinary honor” of marrying him – while looking like he might vomit any second.
Bella: Yeah, okay.
Fangirls everywhere squeal with delight!
Back to nameless guy and Victoria.
NG: Hey, we’ve been tearing the place up and the Cullens haven’t done squat.
Me: Exactly the problem I’m having. NOTHING IS HAPPENING.
Smoochy times with NG and Victoria. Sadly, they had to add this to the movie (and all other Victoria and newborn vampire scenes) because even that much action was not happening in the book.
Bella walks around pricking her finger on bushes in the woods. I wish she’d pass out like Sleeping Beauty.
Edward: Your blood doesn’t bother me anymore cause I totes thought you were dead.
Say whaat? He’s still a freaking vampire . . . oh wait.
T1: Can I just have a tiny lick? Pleaseee
Me: Finger lickin’ good
Bella: We should wait to tell Jacob we’re engaged
T1: Yeah cause he’ll eat you otherwise.
Jacob comes up.
T1: Bella still wants to cheat on Edward with Jacob
Me: Who wouldn’t?
Jacob runs off carrying Bella again. Still not sure why. He clearly shows his underpants. Eddie watches and. . . sparkles!
Vampire army walking through the water. Come onnnnn, there’s so many of youuu. Kill them, kill them!
Jacob brings Bella to campsite with Edward. Pouts because no one talked about his abs.
Sudden monster snow storm comes out of nowhere! Plot convenience playhouse presents! Bella is freezing cold. Her buck teeth are chattering. Edward is all what do I do? Well, your ice cubeness isn’t gonna help her.
Jacob comes in and Edward says like no way and Jacob says “I’m hotter than you.”
T1: Snuggle times!
Jacob is totally a portable heater. Eddie is not happy. Jacob and Edward have another peeing contest over Bella.
Jacob: When you thought she was dead, how did you cope?
Me: Tried to kill myself, yups. Kids, remember, if your true love leaves, kill yourself.
T1: Mommy, tilt your head and look at the screen. It’s way cooler.
Me: They look black and glowy. Hey, yeah it does look cooler.
T1: We are way bored, Mommy.
Jacob overhears Eddie talkin’ marriage. Uh oh, wolf ears.
Bella runs after Jacob. Actually shouts. Something besides a mumble?
Bella: No, Jake, stay!
T1 and T2: Stay, stay boy
Me: Now roll over. Good boy!
Jacob’s all ready to kill himself until Bella says the right thing – yeah, um, not manipulative at all, are we?
Bella: Kiss me
They make out.
T2: You taste like kibbles and bits!
Jacob: I gotta go
T1: Gotta go peeee. My leg is liftingggg!
She turns around. Eddie is standing there. Oooooh snap!
T2: Burrrrn, Burrrn!
Eddie: You love him
Bella: I love you more
Cullens and more realistic vampires run at each other – yayyy something happening! Pause it and ohhhh, ewww.
T1: It’s vampire football now!
Meanwhile, takes two seconds for Vicki to figure out where Bella is after all this running around aimlessly. She and no name go up against Eddikins. She sends no name first. I’m thinking, yay, fight, but instead we get Edward talking to no name:
Eddie: She doesn’t love you.
Vicki: Yes I doooo.
Eddie: No, she totes doesn’t, I like read minds.
Vicki: Nooo don’t believe him. I lurrrve you for realz.
Finally Jacob comes and gets a new chew toy. Yay!
Edward taunts Vicki and she goes freaky and they fight for two seconds. We root for Vicki. Edward chops down tree with head and Vicki falls with it.
Bella gets the brilliant idea to cut her arm for distraction. I knew she shouldn’t have heard the story about the third wife! Yay, Bella can be a distraction! She’s a HERO! Although, come to think of it, couldn’t the third wife have just cut her arm instead of killing herself? Nevermind.
Edward breaks Victoria. We all cry. Editing is so bad they have Victoria with her eyes open in one frame, then another frame her eyes are closed. Porcelain corpses close their eyes?
T2: Eddie’s gonna mount her head on his wall
Edward tears a strip of Bella’s shirt off for a bandage. Cut to Jake. He’s like man, you’re supposed to take your whole shirt off, dude!
Eddie throws lighter on Victoria
T2: Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Vic!
Alice has vision of Volturi floatin’ around, pretendin’ to be awesome. Vampire attacks Jacob. Jacob’s body goes snap, crackle, pop. Wolves take him away. Volturi show up.
T1: Just kill Bella already
Volturi chick sees the little girl vampire that just turned herself in. She beats her up with Jedi, er, vampire mind tricks. Then has her friend kill her. Oh, yay, child killing. Thank you, Stephenie Meyer.
Immediately cut scene to wolves hanging out by truck.
T1: Now to the tailgate partyyyy!
Doc vampire is fixing him (eeearghhhhhhh!). Bella goes to Jacob
T1: I wish .. . I could show you my abs.
Me: They are all brokey.
Jacob is sweating all over.
Jacob: Bella . . .
T1; I need a towel . . .
T1: I just figured it out – it’s Old Yeller! Jake’s a dog and sacrificed for her!
Me: Now let’s shoot him.
Jacob and Bella blah blah feelings blah blah.
T1: What is all this? He’s not dying.
Me: His heart is . . . breaaaaaking
T1: Oh barf.
Annnnd we’re back in the meadow w/ Edward and Bella. No! No, they’re starting it all over again noooooo!
Bella: We’ll have the wedding in August – that’s a month before my birthday so I won’t be any older than you.
Cause THAT’S how you choose when to make a lifetime commitment. Based on not being older than eighteen.
Edward: Who knows who Alice will invite to the wedding if she plans it?
T1: It’s alright. Bella has no friends.
Edward: You’re trying to make everyone happy.
T1: No, she’s not.
Me: Not even close.
Bella: I’ve had to face death, and loss, and pain.
Bella: I’ve always been out of step.
Soooo that means you’re meant to be a vampire, all awkward teens. Remember that.
More mushy mumbles. End. Ennnnnnnnnnnd!
Bella: We have to tell Charlie (That’s her dad. She can’t say dad cause she’s a jerk) Good thing you’re bullet proof.
Me: Darn it all.
Eddie puts ring on Bella’s finger. It ends. Yes! HOooooooray!
Hey, all, I’m back with my two fellow
sufferers reviewers, my daughters, Thing One and Thing Two. Finally. Last time we reviewed the second installment of Twilight gaggeria, New Moon, and before that the suckage that started it all, Twilight. That was a while ago. Like, um, over a year. It takes that long to recover from this stupidity. But – here we go again on our own . . .
Menu selection screen –
Camera zooms around everywhere wildly. Characters from the movie pop up. All: Arghhhhhhhhh!
T1: They’re like cardboard pop ups!
T2: But scarier!
Me: Movie hasn’t even started yet and we’re scared!
We freeze for a screen shot of Bella.
T1: Draw a mustache on her!
T2: Mommy I dare you!
Movie opens in rain. Yay. Man is walking through the rain, at night, alone.
T2: They’re in Gotham City!
T1: Just like in the first Twilight movie, you know something’s gonna die in the first few seconds.
Me: If only it could be Bella. No, it’s this schmuck. Let’s watch, shall we?
Yup, something shoots out of nowhere at him. T2 starts rooting for it. Man tries to run for it.
T1: Try like left or right.
Whatever bites him. He falls to the ground, writhes around, screams like a little girl.
T2: Oh the painnnn, the painnnn!
T1: He must have been a real wimp in high school.
Me: Sounds like Bella’s nightmare
T2: Alien’s gonna pop out of his chest!
T1: Like this movie isn’t gross enough already?
Zoom in on more trees. Bella boring voiceover.
T2: Blah blahhh
T1: Shush, I’m trying to hear the stupid things she says.
Me: She’s ruining Robert Frost’s Fire and Ice poem. Bad Bella!
T1: Some say it will end in ice, or sparkly vampires . . .
They are in a meadow again. Ooooh. Like a Summer’s Eve commercial. Eddie is messing with her hair like he’s checking Bella for ticks or dandruff.
Me: Ooh I see his sparkles on his cheek! Or blush?
T1: It’s sweat.
Me: Sparkly sweat?
T2: I’m allergic to sparkles
Bella: Turn me
Edward: If you marry me. It’s called compromise
Me: No it’s called bribery.
Bella is sitting on him, making out.
T1: Ugh, can’t breathe Bella . . .
Edward: You’re worried about what people will think . . .
T1: At this point, why?
Mumble, mumble, mumble
T2: Eddie, stop talkin’ Latin
Me: Maybe if she’d quit speaking into her hand. Microphones, people, something!
Bella whines at Dad who for some reason still hates Edward – like HE SHOULD. Remember how you were screamin’ at night, Bella? Remember the moping? Well DO YOU? Clearly poor dad is the best character.
Dad: You know why you’re being punished
Bella: Yeah I put you through hell
T1: over and over and . .
Bella: Edward is in my life
Dad drinks. I’d drink too if I were him.
Dad: You have freedom if you use it to see others. Like Jacob.
T1: Yeah, better choice there. What about the girls who said they were her friends?
Bella goes to her truck. Won’t start. Wonder why. Edward shows up. All scream.
Bella: Did you do this to my truck?
T2: Yeah he’s a psycho freak!
T1: Does he have no conscience? Why did he take her battery?
T2: To put it in the microwave?
Edward: The wolves have no control.
Me: Eddikins, ya took her battery. You don’t either.
Edward: Well I’m sorry.
T1: Worst apology ever
Bella conversation at lunch table. Humans are blabbing. Bella stares. Then Alice and Jasper sit down.
Me: The weirdos are here!
Alice: Let’s have a party! It will be fun!
Bella: Yeah, like last time.
Sad Trombone: Wah wah wahhhhhhh.
Alice starts having a vision, or maybe constipation. Hard to tell.
Police station. People are getting killed.
Edward: We’ve been tracking it for a while.
Me: Yeah, no need to tell Bella about this. Just cause they wanna kill, you know, her.
Bella’s dad comes out.
Edward: Oh yeah, reminding you of the airline ticket I got for your birthday
T1: Really, Edward?
Eddie has gotten her a ticket to Florida to see Mom. Wait, Florida . . . hot sun . . . vampire . . . sparkletownnnnn. Yes, go, go, go!
There are two tickets of course.
Girls: Two tickets to paradise!
Bella in Florida. More mumbling voice over. What is she saying?
Mom: The way he looks at you. Like he’s willing to leap and take a bullet for ya.
(Edward staring creepily at them through the window)
T2: Please tell me it’s a silver bullet
More mumbles. Strip shirts? Three headed lobster? Are we in Hogwarts?
Next we have the whole creepy vampire crew, standing around in the forest. There is a blue filter in the lens.
T2: Oh, no, more vampire baseball!
T1: It’s Picasso’s blue period!
T2: More staring. I’m gonna stare the crap outta ya!
Now suddenly they’re running. After . . .something.
T1: It’s the vampire Olympics!
They’re running after Victoria. Oh, yeah, the only likable character.
Giant wolves come after her.
They’re flying and hopping all over the place, ricocheting against trees like pinballs.
T2: Batman! No Spiderman!
Me: Not anywhere as cool.
Victoria leaps over a cavern. I believvvve I can flyyyyy!
Oh, now we’re back at school. Nooooo. Edward and Bella mumble talk for awhile.
Bella: Mumblemumble mumble?
Ed: Mumble Mumblejumbo.
They get out of the car. And ka-BAM, music gets louder and JACOB is here in all his abby glory!
T2: Everything is awesommmmme!
Jacob points out that Bella should know wtf is going on. So should the audience. At least you can understand Jacob.
Edward: I was trying to protect you
Bella: By lying to me?
Bella hops on Jacob’s bike. Eat DIRT vampire!
Jacob’s place. Jacob walks over a log.
T2: Hey ya like my log? I chew on it.
The shirtless crew arrive! None of the werewolves wear shirts. It’s a rule.
T1: They got kicked out of school. Couldn’t conform to dress codes.
There’s a girl werewolf now, but yuck, cause she whines about her broken heart. And probably her period too! Apparently they can read minds. So she can hear their thoughts too. And they’re teenage boys. Guess what they’re thinking? I’d be pissed too.
Jacob explains “imprinting”. Basically, no free will guys. You’re just in loves and that’s that!
Jacob: They aren’t even alive
T1: Well, you’re a dogman
Me: Kibbles and bits, kibbles and bits.
T2: About to go woof woof now.
Jacob: I’d rather you be dead than one of them!
Bella: I can’t believe you said that.
T1: Sorry, Stephenie Meyer made me a jerk in this book.
Creeper guy in Bella’s room. Figure it’s Edward, but no, another vampire – dude bitten in the beginning. Grabs her pajamas and sniffs. And keeps it!
T2: Did you see the look on his face?
Guy wanders around house.
T1: Dad needs a better security system
Me: He’s not a very good cop . . .
Dude leans over Dad sleeping on couch
T1: Eww don’t kiss him!
Next day Eddie comes in w/ black pupils.
Bella: I know I smell like dog.
Edward figures out someone has been in Bella’s room. Genius!
Vampire group meeting! Woot! Lots of mumbling. Who could be after Bella? Gee?
Alice: Noo I’d have seen it. (Why didn’t she see all the other stuff?)
Rosalie acts like a jerk to Bella. I still like Rosalie best. Bella says dogboy can protect her while they run around aimlessly.
Wolves decide to take over so vamps can hunt.
T1: So now the wolves wanna protect Bella too? Way to get their priorities straight.
They drive up and there’s Jake doing his model pose.
Edward: Doesn’t he own a shirt?
T1: They save money that way.
Edward sticks his tongue in Bella’s mouth. Subtle!
Jacob hugs her tightly.
Me: Just pee on her already.
Jacob takes her to a tribal meeting.
Bella: Aren’t their stories secret?
Me: Not after Stephenie got hold of them.
Jacob wrestles with another guy.
T1: Finally boys doing boy stuff!
Elder dude: One day our warriors came across a creature
They show the femmiest pirate vampire dude EVER. We laugh. Indians show up wearing potato sacks. Totally freak out. Indian Hulk Smash! We laugh again.
The Native American “third wife” kills herself to distract the vampire. Oh, oh, movie, don’t give Bella ideas.
Bella sits there with same doped up expression
T1: Can she ever breathe through her nose?
Back with pajama stealing vamp dude. Talks to girl. Smashing heads. Blah.
Back to the stupid vampire council. They think newborn vampires are after them. Newborns are like, totes uncontrollable. And need diapers. Not really. But it’d be about as interesting.
Bella back w/Dad who says he’d never stop searching if she were missing. Oooh guilt trip.
Bella and Eddie.
Bella doesn’t know what to tell family.
Me: Mom and Dad: I am a blood sucking freak. Merry Christmas!
Bella and Eddie smooch smooch
Jacob and Bella
Jacob: You love me you just don’t know it yet!
T2: Batman or Dogface? How to choose?
Jacob forces her into kiss. Bella punches him and breaks hand.
Eddie gets madface and he and Jacob slap fight each other.
Back to vampire council. Enddddd. Ennnndddd. How can we only be 45 minutes in???
Rosalie has her flashback. Why is it the background vampires are all more interesting than Edward or Bella?
Stay tuned tomorrow for more of, unfortunately, Bella and Edward. If you dare.
Merbear has a contest, and we’re supposed to take one of the Beatles songs she listed, and make a picture or a story or something. Well, DJ did some story but it was totes long and probably included something about a kingdom and jesters and queens and flatulent ponies. I don’t actually know about the flatulent ponies, but I think that actually sounds cool. He should throw that into his next story. I would maybe read it then, if I can keep my mind on one thing at a
Anyway, I hast entered yon contest! I have a picture. Well, two pictures. You see, the only Beatles song I recognized out of the ones listed was “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds.” But when I first heard it, I thought they were singing “Lucy in Disguise. With Diamonds.” It went something like this:
Lucy in Disguise with Diamonds
Lucy in Disguise with Diamonds
Lucy in Disguise with Diamonds
Something something something add more words here. A picture tells a thousand words, so that should more than finish off the lyrics to the song.
Note that Lucy is wearing a disguise here (she is disguised as the Hamburglar from those old Mcdonald’s commercials. And she’s with some diamonds. And blue lines. I don’t know what they are. Maybe Lucy is on drugs. I sort of thought that the Beatles were when they wrote this song. Then later I learned the real name of the song was “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” and it made so much more sense. So I composed a more accurate drawing.
So what do you think? I’m wondering how Lucy got in the sky, especially with diamonds. Did she steal the diamonds and then achieve 0 gravity? Was Lucy raptured, but got to take along her jewels? Is Lucy just stoned? One could look up the song and find out the meaning behind it, but that would take time and Googling, and ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat.
Anyhoo, if you haven’t already, go check out merbear’s contest. You’ll be glad you did!