Yippee Ki-yay, it’s time for round two of the Democratic debate. Now last time Trump dared to tweet that the debate was boring, which is just unreal cause Democrats are super exciting! Watch as Trump commits horrible, treasonous acts and the Democrats do . . . absolutely nothing about it! Granted compared to the Republicans whose main tasks lately have been keeping Trump from going through with these acts by regulating his schedule like a toddler’s, taking papers from his desk without him noticing, and praising him for righting what he just screwed up, I guess they are rather dull.
But the second debate was different! We got another ten candidates on the Jeopardy stage, but this time they included a couple of people that some Americans probably knew about like Bernie “Wild Hands” Sanders and “Sleepy Joe” Biden. Also there were a few women and more white guys.
Now for the line-up.
Sen. Berrrrrrrnieeee Saaaanders! (crowd of crazed Bernie fans cheer!)
Joooooe Biiiiden! (He was our Vice President for eight years. No, really.)
Mayor Peeeeete Buttigiegggg! (The overqualified gay guy with unpronounceable name!)
Sen. Kaaamalaaaa Harris! (A women and Indian and Black! Democratic jackpot!)
Former Gov. Jooooohhhhn Hickenlooper! (I didn’t make up that name!)
Sen. Kirrrrsten Gillibraaaand! (Some blond chick!)
Sen. Miiiichael Beeennnett! (One of those guys on the postage stamp I assume!)
Rep. Errrrric Swaaaalwell! (Was probably there too!)
Aaaandrewww Laaang! (Spoke one entire time I think!) and finally . . .
Maaariaaanne Wiiiiiillliamsoooon! (Self-help author you’ve never heard of! Really!)
It goes without saying that I had to look most of these people up and then count twice to make sure I didn’t miss one of them. Anyhoo, good old Joe Biden came in as the front runner, complete with a “Kick Me” sign on his back. Bernie Sanders stood beside him, wildly swinging his hands and avoiding spit and a possible shank from Kamala Harris as she and Biden battled it out. At first Biden came in swinging, wisely denying he ever did anything wrong EVER even when presented with a golden opportunity for redemption (I can see why he’s our frontrunner!), but after a while he just hung his head in resignation for the rest of the Democrat dogpile.
Here’s a quick play-by-play for our viewing audience!
Moderator: I can’t believe I drew the short straw AGAIN! Okay, you’ll all get 60 seconds to explain how you will solve every world problem ever! First we’ll talk about . . .
Swalwell: Can I talk?
Moderator: Wait, who are you again?
Swalwell: I’m Eric, gawd! Okay, Biden is SO OLD, so he needs to hand off the torch to young guys! Like me! I look about ten years younger!
Biden: Oh, you can take that torch off my dead body! (grins blindingly)
Swalwell: So what, in a few months?
Kamala Harris: Let’s not have a food fight here! At least not until I get to take a few bites out of Biden!
Moderator: Let’s talk racism! Hola, Pete, donde esta el bano?
Pete B.: Hablo Espanol y seis otra languages! El suck it!
Harris: Pretty sure I’m qualified to talk about race seeing as how I’m the only black person.
Moderator: Yikes. Remember to not keep it to 60 seconds!
Harris: Hey, Joe, wtf with not being okay with busing for desegregation back in the 70’s. Btw, I was one of the kids on the bus, dufus, so here’s your chance on a golden platter to admit a mistake.
Biden: I did not say no to busing, I said no to something having to do with someone else saying no to busing, so it wasn’t me, it was that other guy in this other position that wasn’t mine so I am totally right and you’re wrong.
Harris: WTF, no, you were like so obviously wrong . . .
Biden: Was not!
Harris: Yes you were I have all these facts . . .
Biden: I can’t heeeeaaar you!
Harris: I’m gonna climb over Bernie and put my fist in your . . .
Moderator: Moving on . . . let’s get a new topic . . .
Kirsten Gillibrand: I can talk on any topic and I will, cause I know a lot of stuff and I’m going to tell you all about it. I have, like, so many experiences, and you just don’t even know what I’ve gone through being an attractive white woman . . .
Harris: Bitch, please.
Moderator: How are you guys going to get your policies past Mitch “The Turtle” McConnell?
Biden: I’m planning on taking him out behind the shed.
Moderator: Works for me! What’s the first thing you’ll accomplish?
Sanders: (waves hands wildly, smacking Biden on the shoulder – this happened) I – will – create – an American – revolution! I – right here – will guarantee each and – every – rutabaga – a free education! I – will – give healthcare! I will call on the many faced God to – destroy our enemies!
Moderator: Bernie, are you high?
Sanders: Every – man – and woman – should have a chance to smoke weed – or do mushrooms – as a human right!
Moderator: Okey dokey. How will you all stop gun violence in 60 seconds?
Swalwell: Everyone can keep their guns! Except the bad guys! Wait, am I a Republican?
Moderator: I still have no idea who you are. I’m going to have to turn off your mike like I did Yang’s.
Yang: (whisper whisper whisper) Hey no fair . . .
Marianne Williamson: On my authority as a self-help author, I say we need to use the power of LOVE and crystals and possibly acupuncture.
Harris: Why is she even here?
Moderator: She slipped past security. John Hickenlooper, what’s with your name?
Hickenlooper: I am part looper and part hick, and proud. At least you can pronounce it, I mean we gonna call the gay guy President Pete?
Buttigieg: It beats President Hickenpooper.
Moderator: Let’s talk religion. Gay guy, what do you think of Republicans always spouting religion? Not asking you in particular for any specific reason of course.
Buttigieg: Pretty sure Jesus cared more about feeding poor people than condemning gays, but he only mentions the poor in the Bible about 50 million times, so what do I know?
Moderator: How about the border? Since you all love Spanish, I’m assuming you’re all for decriminalizing illegal border crossings?
(all raise their hands except Micheal Bennet)
Michael Bennet: Wait, did I miss something?
Moderator: Just the debate. Everyone may now proceed to leap onto Biden and rip him to pieces.
(all do so until Biden looks very, very sadfaced)
Moderator: Darn the luck, looks like this debate is over! (look of relief from Biden) Everyone go home and please rethink your life choices.
So there you are, that’s just how it happened, or how I remember it anyway, which is good enough since most of these people will disappear back into the ether by the next round, God help us all.
Your raving reporter Alice again signing off, adios!
Strap yourselves in, guys, cause the next presidential run is fully underway, with just twenty (TWENTY) Democratic contenders – this beats out the 17 Republican contenders in 2016 – hoping to beat one moronic toddler dictator Republican president. You’d think at this point we’d be rather confident that we could beat Trump, but you’d be wrong, of course. There is no way he should have won the first time, and certainly no way he should have a shot in Hades of winning this time, but this is America, and the land is dark and full of morons.
Speaking of stupidity, let’s get to the candidates. I wanted to write this before watching any commentary or reading any articles by “professional debate reporters” so that you could get it from the point of view of a confused blogger. You’re welcome. This first debate reminded me a little too strongly of an episode of Game of Thrones. You aren’t sure who half the characters are, but it doesn’t matter because most of them are likely to be killed off pretty quickly. This might be literal for some of these candidates, who are really freaking old. This is not just some ageist remark. I recently watched Biden, our 76 year old former Vice President who obviously has a great deal of political experience – despite being somewhat out of touch with reality – stumble on multiple words during the high point of his speech at a rally. It was less like, ah well everyone flubs a word, and more like OMG is he having a stroke?
We didn’t get a shot at Biden last night, but we got ten other guys and gals (we get the other ten today, oh woot!). It wasn’t just a stretch of white guys, nope, there were three, count ’em, three women, at least one of whom had a purpose to be there, a black guy, and a Hispanic guy. Also several tall white guys. I watched the debate with my Things, who tried to help me out in remembering who was who, or at least catching their names on the screen when they talked. Thing Two took some great pictures, as you’ll see below. Anyway, they threw the candidates up on screen like we were on a giant-sized episode of Jeopardy, complete with podiums that light up when the candidate rings in, er, speaks. So here they are:
Senator Elizabeth Warren (Girl! Rough around the edges but has a puppy!)
Senator Corey Booker (The black guy with the shiny head)
Representative Beto O’Rourke (Guy from Texas with a hot mugshot)
Representative Tulsi Gabbard (Another girl!)
Mayor Bill de Blasio (White New Yorker guy)
Former Hud Secretary Julian Castro (Hispanic guy!)
Sen Amy Klobacher (what are all these women persons doing here?)
Gov. Jay Inslee (I . . .have no idea. Some white guy.)
Rep. John Delaney (Again no clue.)
Rep. Tim Ryan ( Um?)
It was kind of hard for most of them to stand out. I did recognize Beto O’Rourke, former representative from Texas who just ran for governor and lost by one of the narrowest margins in Texas history, a state that has run red for decades. That may be as much an example of how much Republicans have sucked as it is Beto’s actual qualifications. Anyhoo, it turns out he is not half Mexican, half Irish (I’d love to see that household!) but just a guy with an Irish name and a Hispanic nickname. He does speak Spanish as he lets everyone know by randomly starting out answering a question in Spanish. I think I was supposed to be impressed, but mostly I was confused as despite years of Spanish in school, I didn’t know what he was saying.
At least he had the excuse of speaking another language with his confusion, along with two others (I think) who also showed they could speak another language. Look, guys, we have limited time – just send us a resume with your skills, mmkay?
I don’t have the patience (or the memory) to cover how they didn’t really answer the questions, so here’s just a little sample for brevity’s sake.
Moderator: Booker, could you answer this question about black people, you being black and all and representing black people?
Corey Booker: Yes, I could, and much better than Beto there, who had really dumb policies and is so not as hot as I am . . .
Beto O’Rourke: Oh yeah, people loved my mug shot, man, what you talkin’ about . . .
Booker: I’m speaking here, what do you think this is, debate?
Beto O’Rourke: Spanish people love me, watch me speak Spanish! Estupido!
Moderator: Maybe later, O’Rourke, let’s ask Julio Castro – that is you and not your twin right?
Julian Castro: Maaaybe, Hola! Como estas!
Moderator: Right, so, how about those Latinos? Should we let them in? You being the Latino representative here.
Beto O’Rourke: Me too! They call me Beto . . .
Julian Castro: You’re white, please stop. I have interesting things to say.
Moderator: Enough of that!
Elizabeth Warren: I’m concerned about Tim Ryan over there. His eyes are bulging out like he just got pantsed big time.
Tim Ryan: I literally can’t blink.
Moderator: He’ll be fine. Now let’s have this white male candidate talk about women’s issues. No pressure.
White male candidate: I have a good record on women’s issues, and they should get abortions, cause I want to live.
Amy Klobacher: I think these two women candidates and I know better. Cause women! Am I right? Huh?
Moderator: Your fellow candidates are staring in horror. Shut up. Now about the environment . . .
Tulsi Gabbar: I’m for the environment. But you should know that I don’t just have good cheekbones. I was in the military! Unlike you wimps.
Beto O’Rourke: Hey, I have good cheekbones too!
Elizabeth Warren: This is not about cheekbones! This is about giving away free stuff – like free college for all, and no more homework for schoolchildren ever. You get a diploma, you get a diploma, YOU get a diploma!
Amy Klobacher: But who is going to fund this college?
Elizabeth Warren: Your face is, Amy.
Moderator: Back to the questions, please raise your hand if you would like to pander to your audience.
(All raise hands)
Moderator: Great, each of you gets 45 seconds and not one second more . . . I mean it . . . I’m going to get the water bottle . . .
(Sprays all candidates with a hose until they stop talking.)
So that was part one! How did you guys feel about it? Did you get that sinking feeling that we are totally screwed? Well don’t give up yet, wait until tonight when we have the second round with Biden, Sanders, the way overqualified gay guy, and the others. Then give up.
Stay tuned, this is Alice, your raving reporter, signing out.
Hey, all, I was cleaning out my draft folder of doom, and found this review of Game of Thrones from er 2014 (?) that I possibly didn’t publish, since I can’t find it anywhere. Since people are all into the last season and all that, I figured I’d throw it up here so they can be reminded that it’s been insane since the beginning. Also, it’s a post! Check out up top for like a few other episodes, woot.
Welcome back, sparkleponies! It’s gonna be a hot time in the old Westeros tonight! Or something! A really cool thing happens in this episode. It involves Rat Nose and a bunch of molten gold. But we’ll get to that.
But it’s the best part of the episode. Besides Tyrion, naturally.
We start off with Ned lying in bed with a big owie. King Fatty and Queen Bitchy argue about what to do with Ned. The king is like crap, just get your stupid wife to release Tyrion who is the only decent part of this show and make up with that creeper Jaime so I can get back to drinking. Queen Bitchy wants him punished cause he’s so irritatingly good and then insults her husband saying she wears the iron pants in this family. He slaps her. I don’t normally applaud this, but in her case, yay!
Ned wants to go home, but the king is like if I have to suffer so do you, and gives him his job as the Hand back. Ned says “oh yay.”
Dany of the Barbarians plays with dragon eggs and fire, but doesn’t get burned. Do not try this with dragon eggs at home, kids.
That stupid three-eyed raven appears in Bran Stark’s dream again and I have no idea what that means and don’t care. His saddle is made so he gets to happily ride off straight into trouble which is what happens when you have a teenager babysit his little brother. Bran is nearly killed by a bunch of forest hobos, but is rescued, so we get to continue to hear him whine. Yay.
Arya Stark practices with her sword fighting instructor, who looks like some dude from the cast of Fame. She learns the only god she should worship is Death, and she should tell him “Not today.” Considering this story, you might as well worship death cause you see a lot of the guy, and it probably will be today.
Back to Dany again who is eating a bloody horse heart. Yummy! She has to eat the whole thing and not puke so someone can do a prophecy of her unborn kid – yeah that’s right, she’s pregnant, remember? She manages to keep it down, cause, wtf how did she do that? I couldn’t keep down toast! Anyway, the priestess says she will have “the stallion that mounts the world” and the less said about that the better. Dany yells that she’ll name her son Prego or something and the barbarians chant while Beefcake carries her around like she won the Superbowl.
Tyrion offers to confess to his crimes and is taken out of his sky cell. His crimes include lying, gambling, cheating, sleeping with prostitutes, and playing practical jokes. Hell, he’s so pure compared to the others he could be on this world’s Barney and Friends. Then he insists on a trial from Lady Psycho (Cate Stark’s sister.) It occurs to me I’m going to have trouble distinguishing people if I name them “pscyho”. Anyway, he gets his trial by combat. Psycho’s champion is a noble knight and Tyrion’s is a sword by hire named Brawn or yeah that works. Tyrion’s buddy wins, cause remember honor = stupid. Tyrion walks out of the place whistling.
King Fatty goes hunting while his squire (part of the eeeevil Lannister fam) gives him more and more wine. I can’t imagine where THIS could be going.
A peasant refugee from some massacre (ain’t that always happenin’ with them peasants?) says that Mountain guy, who works for the Lannisters (doesn’t everyone?) was behind it. Why? Out of revenge for Ned’s idiot wife taking Tyrion. D’oh! So Ned declares the guy an enemy of the throne, cause doing that to someone who works for the sociopaths in charge is a brilliant idea. Remember. Nobility = No Common Sense.
Sansa Stark (Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!) acts like a rude little twit to her . . . nurse? I dunno, and like Sansa, I don’t care. Joffrey pretends to be sorry and gives her a kiss (fumigate, fumigate) and Sansa is all in LURRVE and mad, mad, mad that Dad is making her leave this charming place for her own safety! Gawd, Dad! Ned looks in the Big Book o’ Thrones and sees that all the others in the king’s line had black hair but his kids have blond hair which means oh-oh unless you know, genetics, but they don’t know that stuff I guess so oh well.
Back with the barbarians, Rat Nose gets drunk and threatens to kill Dany’s baby right in front of Beefcake, who is like 3 of Rat Nose. Beefcake finally gets fed up and tells him he can have his crown. Then he has his men hold Rat Nose down while he throws gold in a hot cauldron and Rat Nose thinks oh crap, this might have been a bad idea, right before Beefcake pours gold all over his head, saying “A crown for a king.” Dude only knows like 10 words, but he makes them count. Buh-bye Rat Nose!
Now for our song. To the tune of “The Love Boat”
Game of Thrones (The Death Boat)
Climb Aboard. They’re expecting you. (bwah ha ha)
Death, life’s final reward.
Stab someone, they’ll try to stab you too
Game-of-Thrones! Promises something for everyone
Sex and violence
And Tyrion insulting peeps
Like an open wound or a festering sore
Game of Throoooooooooones! It’s Game of Throoooones! (hey-ah!)
Season 1, Episode 6
Death toll: 2, some knight guy, Rat Nose
Nakey toll: 1, Some prostitute lifts up her dress as a goodbye. And some people just send cards!
Update: Still decluttering around here. This happy joy joy life changing process is taking a while, because there’s so much stuff and I rapidly vacillate from wanting to throw it all away in a blaze of glory, to wanting to gather my stuff in my hands and spit “My preciousss!” into imaginary cameras.
I’ve seen a lot of complaints about Marie Kondo (see that older post) and other organizing gurus and how this whole minimalism concept and the idea of throwing out extra consumer crap is only for rich people because poor people can’t afford stuff. The writers of these articles have clearly never met a poor person. As if you have to have money for stuff! I’ve never had a great deal of money, but I’ve always had stuff. People love giving you stuff, because they redecorated or they just watched Netflix and now they have a spare entertainment center, or couch, or bed, or recliner, or T.V., or child. And yes we’ve gotten every one of those things given to us – except the child. Our children were DIY projects.
But I digress. Time to begin.
Step One: Clothes
We’ve also been given hand-me-down clothes – so many clothes – by well meaning people. Thing One gets clothes, and Thing Two gets clothes, then Thing Two gets the clothes that Thing One just outgrew. So she gets twice the clothes, and guess what? They almost all spark joy in this kid, so she doesn’t like giving them up. It’s hard to complain since my children have dressed like I spent hours in the dark searching Ambercrombie and Fitch when in fact I shop at Walmart where I can get shirts for a dollar. One dollar shirts, guys. Did I need the shirt? Did they? Well, not exactly, but hey you can wait a month to do laundry!
Maybe not the best plan. I honestly thought I didn’t hold on to clothes that much before I started all of this, but it turns out I don’t really hold onto clothes so much as I just lose them in various places. I have also changed size over the years, so I have clothes in various sizes because I might lose weight, or I might gain it. You just never know. The forties are fun! I’ve gotten rid of bags of clothes, though, and lots of extra bed linens because there is no way I’m folding more than two sets of fitted sheets. I’m also not using Marie’s cute little vertical napkin folding technique because it takes too damn long and I hang up most of my stuff. Unless it’s a fitted sheet. Then I properly cram it into my bottom dresser drawer in one giant wad, the way God intended.
Our town has made giving stuff away much easier by installing lots of dumpsters painted bright colors that are marked for the Children’s Home. This is awesome because I can drop my junk off and not have to show my face or talk to anyone. It’s just like I’m throwing it away, only I’m not, I’m doing a good deed just like all those people did for me! The only problem is that you can only dump clothes or shoes into it, not appliances or electronics or children – which you’d think they’d want being a Children’s Home and all. I do wonder if they get unwanted stuff dumped in there anyway. For instance, I heard that someone once dumped a live chicken into the book drop at the downtown library. It sure sounds like a hilarious idea – I mean a terrible thing to do. Thank goodness they now have cameras to keep people from this kind of mayhem.
So I’ve gone through my clothes once, and Thing Two volunteered a bag of clothes in exchange for four new clothing items at JC Penny’s where we were supposed to be shopping for dress shoes for her sister’s prom. I wasn’t going to let her get them, but then she showed me that they were three to five dollars, marked down from forty dollars, so of course I was suckered into it. She’s smart, that Thing Two. There isn’t a thing in her closet at the moment, but the clothes make a nice, comfy carpet, so there’s that at least. You are not supposed to “Konmari” someone else’s items, unless you can be super crafty about it so they don’t find out. So I still have the kids’ clothes left. My husband has few clothes, so that’s not a problem. The extra cars and car parts might be, since I can’t lift those into dumpsters. Not super crafty like anyway.
So does my house look better? Not a whole lot, but I’m making progress. Of some sort. While waiting for your house to transform you, I invite you to check out a different perspective on cleaning. Jennifer McCartney (author of “The Joy of Leaving Your Sh*t All Over the House”) is the real deal. She is sarcastic and funny and gets paid for it, which means I should hate her on principal, but I still enjoyed her books. If only I could get my parodies to market faster. Maybe if I marked them “Twilight Sexy Times Declutter Wars”.
Anyone else spring cleaning in April? Let me know. Also, do you want some stuff?
“You say eether and I say eyether
You say neether and I say nyther
Eether, eyether, neether, nyther
Let’s call the whole thing off!”
– “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off”
I’ve considered writing about this whole shutdown thing for – what is it – 30 some odd days now. CNN had a handy timer right down to the second, cause they are useful that way. I’m pretty sure most of the world knows how stupid we are by now, but just in case our government shut down for 35 days because well . . . here’s a quick summary:
Trump blarts, “We need a wall cause caravans and criminals and my red hats are mad I didn’t do it yet.”
Rest of Gov’t, “No big deal. You haven’t accomplished anything you promised. Have a hamburger and sign this saying you won’t shut down the government because you didn’t get millions for your petty little pointless project.”
Trump, “Okey dokey, oh lookie Fox News.”
Fox News, “Blah blah Trump is a wiener for signing yadda yadda.”
Trump, “I am NOT a wiener! No sign! Want wall!”
Government shuts down.
Ah, right, that’s it. But don’t worry, they said. It’s temporary. Even if it’s right before Christmas. I mean – who needs a government? We get anarchy with government anyway, so let’s call the whole thing off!
Now it was up to the Democrats, or rather Nancy Pelosi with the rest of the Democrats staring at their newspapers, to try to negotiate a deal with Trump. The first meeting went like this:
Trump: Am I getting my wall?
Trump stomps out.
35 days later . . .
Yeah, so maybe not so much fun. Turns out we do need a government for a few minor things to get done like:
Paying 800,000 government workers. (Billionaire Republican Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross says “They should just take out a loan”. Or maybe sell one of their yachts, Wilbur? “How about making a deal with the grocery store to pay later?”, dumbs Trump. Yes, he really did say that.)
Keeping poor people alive through programs like Food Stamps and WIC. (What poor people? Ask your neighbors for help! Like that government worker guy next door!)
Ironically, security for stuff other than the Mexican border like TSA, the Coast Guard, the FBI (they do stuff other than investigate you, Trump):
But good news, a few days ago the government reopened (expect the news on time, none of the time on the Alice network) but only for a few weeks. Fox News continues to say that Trump got a great deal. After all, the government opened back up after over a month, and he didn’t get a wall. Or anything else. So since this was such a success, it only makes sense that he would ask for exactly the same thing in a few weeks.
I think I can guess what Nancy’s answer will be. But what is our answer? How are we going to stop this ridiculous gridlock in our political system? Maybe we should ask our mother country, the Brits! They’d know.
So much of this Poppins chick, and so little time before people get bored with me and go fly a kite. I have spent time reading Mary Poppins Comes Back by author P.L. Travers (the book Mary Poppins Returns is based upon) where our dear nanny continues to terrorize the children while admiring herself in every reflection. Oh, sure, there are a lot of adventures, and once she even goes into a Royal Doulton bowl to rescue a child she abandoned, but don’t expect any hugs or sentiment, kiddies. What does she look like, a human or something?
As I mentioned briefly last time, the books are definitely a departure from what are now two Disney movies, though both movies pull from the books, Returns taking more than the former. Last weekend Thing One and I watched a matinee of Mary Poppins Returns. We literally had the entire theater to ourselves which is just as I like it. People do so ruin a movie theater experience.
What I find strange are the reactions to this sequel. Some people seem downright offended by it, as if Disney were trying to replace Julie Andrews or Dick Van Dyke, both of whom are still alive, though a wee bit old for the parts now. (Dick Van Dyke did play the role of an old banker man in the sequel as he did the first time, though they didn’t need as much old man makeup this time.) So you end up seeing online magazine and Youtube reviews with headings like this: “‘Mary Poppins Returns’ Review: A Truck Full of Sugar Can’t Make This Uplift Go Down.” Thank you, New York Times, you big snots. We also find pics pitting Julie against Emily in what must be a fight to the death.
The above picture came from The Guardian which asked the question “Is Mary Poppins a feminist?” because . . . that was what the movies were totally about? No, the real issue is the supposed competition. It’s clearly not okay to like both versions, for different reasons. Yet they are going to be compared anyway, so I’ll try a comparison between both movies and the book, from specific scenes. If the second movie is a repeat of the first, it is only because the second book is also a repeat of the first, as you’ll see.
Sweeps vs Leeries: The original Mary Poppins movie had lovable Bert, the chimney sweep who stayed positive no matter what degrading job you gave him, or how many times Mary Poppins put him in the friend zone. He sings the songs “Chim-chim-cheree”, an opening number later reprised, as well as the show (and heart) stopping number “Step in Time.” The amount of dancing, acrobatics, singing, and insane never-ending chaos is quite impressive, especially considering Dyke had no formal dance training. It’s surprising no British families expressed annoyance at their constant dancing on their rooftops, but then again, there was a scary amount of chimney sweeps in London at that time.
Mary Poppins Returns gives us Jack, Bert’s former apprentice turned lamp-lighter (or Leerie) played by Lin Manuel Miranda of Hamilton fame. Instead of a Chimney Sweep mafia, now Leerie gangs roam the streets, lighting lamps while flying upside down on anachronistic bicycles. Or so they say. I bet Mary Poppins just invented the bicycles herself and gave them to the Leeries on the condition that they attempt to kill themselves for her entertainment just like the sweeps did. They do a fine job trying with “Trip a Little Light Fantastic”, the sequel’s answer to “Step in Time”. He also opens the movie with “The Lovely London Sky”, which might be more of an anachronism than the bicycles since I’m fairly sure that London’s been polluted a long time. One disturbing detail: a commenter on one review I read said “It makes sense that Jack was Bert’s apprentice as a child, since the kids could slide down in small places easier”. Nice thing to think about, Bert dropping Jack down chimneys with a reassuring “Chim-Chim-Cheerie, kiddo!”
The Books: While Bert does appear in the first book, it’s only for a chapter, and it’s just Mary Poppins and him, no kids. Bert is actually a combination of several characters mentioned briefly in the books, and I imagine Jack must be as well, though there is no Jack in the book Mary Poppins Comes Back.
Bird Lady vs Balloon Lady
The Bird Lady appears in the first Mary Poppins movie along with the heart-breaking song “Feed the Birds”. Mary summons her through a snow globe, and the kids see her later on the steps, but never get to give her their tuppence, which goes to the bankers who outright take it from little Micheal who throws a fit about his money being stolen. This leads to people going insane and withdrawing money, even if they weren’t in the building while the child was yelling. Later when the father walks by the steps, she isn’t there, leading you to believe she’s probably dead, though luckily I missed this as a kid. I still say she could have taken a day off, you know.
Fun fact: Walt found this 90 something year old lady and dragged her onto the set to play the Bird Woman just before she died.
Mary Poppins Returns gives us the Balloon Lady, played by Angela Landsbury who can just do anything she wants, and you will love her. She hands out balloons that take people up in the air as she sings the song “Nowhere to Go but Up”, sort of the theme song of this presidential administration. It’s much like the song “Let’s Go Fly a Kite” from Mary Poppins as it ends the movie on a happy high note. Returns gives us more than one answer to the tear-jerker “Feed the Birds” with “The Conversation” where a now grown Micheal talks about his dead wife (yes the dead mom Disney curse is present here) as well as “The Place Where the Lost Things Go” a lullaby that Mary Poppins sings, also about dead mom who is apparently in the same place where Mary lost her favorite spoon. Even though I love both these songs and they made me cry in the theater, I still wonder: does that mean my socks are in Heaven?
Fun fact: Micheal’s tuppence plays a role in the conclusion of Mary Poppins Returns, so, um, without too many spoilers, it’s basically good thing he didn’t give his money to that Bird Woman after all! So – not giving to charity is good?
The Books: There is a short chapter in the original Mary Poppins about the Bird Lady, and interestingly, this is not a lesson that Mary teaches at all. Surprise! Mary hates birds and unlike Julie, she sure as heck doesn’t sing to them. The children give tuppence to the Bird Woman in order to feed the birds all on their own. The birds swarm Mary and steal a flower from Mary’s hat and put it on the Bird Woman’s hat. Mary gets seriously ticked off about this whole thing, and waves the birds away while snapping “You ought to be in a pie – that’s where you ought to be!”. I’m kind of surprised she didn’t assault the Bird Woman for her flower back.
The Balloon Woman does appear in the book’s sequel, though she gives balloons that lift people to the skies to Mary Poppins and the children only and not the father as well. They do get their names printed on them magically, so that’s cool and all.
I could go on forever with the comparisons, but I’ll try to sum up the rest quickly. While Mary and Bert and kids jump into a drawing for “Jolly Holiday”, a number filled with 2-D animation, Mary, Jack and kids jump into a china bowl for “A Cover is Not the Book”, a number filled with 2-D animation, and a surprising amount of innuendo as Mary changes into that chick from Chicago. The drawing is in the first Mary Poppins book, and the bowl in the second, though the stories are different. Mary goes into the drawing with Bert alone in the book, while in the movie she just abandons the kids for some alone time with Bert. In the book Mary Poppins Comes Back, Jane is kidnapped into the bowl and rescued by Mary Poppins while in the movie – okay the kids are kidnapped again but save each other. Mary Poppins also has insane relatives in both movies and the books, so at least in some ways she’s kind of like us. Well, us if everything in the universe, including us, thought we were fantastic.
Mary Poppins vs Mary Poppins Returns
What are the major differences between the Marys? Tone definitely is different, as the mother is dead in the second version rather than just a dim wit that leaves the children with a dirty chimney sweep she has never met (Bert) so that she can get to her suffragette meeting. The sequel also takes place 30 years after the first, and involves Jane and the widowed Micheal and his children. No word on Mr. and Mrs. Banks, so I suppose they were six-feet under too. Time passes much more slowly in the books which always involve the same Banks children, though there are five children instead of two. The mother is still incapable of parenting though. Judging by the memories of the mother in Mary Poppins Returns, that mother was actually competent, which was probably why they had to kill her.
The stakes are definitely higher, for while there was no real villain in the first movie – unless you count the father’s bosses who sack him only to rehire him hours later – there are villains in the sequel. The boss of the bank is a rather over-the-top evil Colin Firth who personally wants to repossess the Banks’ house because having a dead wife was not enough punishment for poor Micheal. The children’s fantasy land even gets a villain at one point in a wolf representing the banker, so no relief there, kids. Mary only has to get the parents to pay a little more attention to the kids in the first, while she has to drag Micheal out of depression (Pish posh, she’s been dead a year, codfish!), get him to better appreciate the children, and help him keep his house. She sends poor Jack on top of Big Ben at one point to stop time when she could have easily done it herself. That’s Mary Poppins, for you. Prove your love to me that I may treat you crappy and leave!
Still, I do love Emily Blunt’s Mary Poppins. No, she’s not Julie Andrews, but she isn’t trying to imitate her. She has a delightful way of employing a constant use of sarcasm with the children, while artfully rolling her eyes. What kind of mother figure does that? Shut up, Thing One and Thing Two. I did enjoy Mary’s relationship with Bert more than her relationship with Jack. Lin Manuel Miranda is a great showman, and I enjoyed his numbers, but there was just a greater chemistry between the two leads in the first, in my opinion.
What about the songs? I loved every song in the first Mary Poppins. I’m not completely taken with every song in the second, though they grow on me as I listen to the soundtrack. One has to remember that the first Mary has had since 1964 to shove songs into our brain. My favorite so far is “Can You Imagine That?”, a song she sings to the children who have tried to become mini adults in the wake of their mother’s passing. The oldest boy says he doesn’t take bubbles in his bath, and Mary snarks “Well I guess you’ll just have to a-vooooid them then.” Cue eyeroll.
I guess the best thing about both movies, and even the book, is that they encourage people to use their imagination and find the child, and the joy, they once knew. And here I was thinking that maybe I should be more adult like other moms and vacuum and cook and stuff instead of playing dolls with my kids, but it turns out I’m really just well-adjusted according to Mary Poppins. And Mary Poppins is never wrong.
Growing up, I had certain ideas of what love should be – and a lot of these ideas came from Disney movies. Yes, I know, I act so cynical, but deep inside I wanted romance, to be swept off my feet by a handsome knight, and to have my own Ever After. Whatever that meant – the movie usually ended at that point.
I was twelve when the Little Mermaid came out in theaters, starting the Disney Renaissance of “princess movies” that I would watch with a guy friend I hoped I’d end up with eventually since we both were good artists, and liked musicals and Disney movies and singing together, and dressing up for prom, and . . . I probably should have seen some of the signs earlier. But at the time, I thought it must be me, and that I must be some reject who would never find real love cause here I’d finished high school, and most of college, and had never had a real boyfriend.
If you want to know what I thought a romance should be like, you can just watch the movie Enchanted, specifically this scene. It makes fun of Disney tropes, but Amy Adams is so adorable you have to love her or you’ll die or something.
Then I had a whirlwind romance at what was basically a Renaissance Fair, which didn’t play directly into my fantasies at all, and he was pretty, and he thought I was pretty, and this was surely going to be Ever After. But I happened to be on vacation at the time, and so it was a long distance relationship, and we didn’t have texting but long distance phone calls. So it was on one of those when I asked him once if I was worth it. And he didn’t respond.
I was 21. And as the relationship crashed and burned over the fall of 1997, I figured I would never find love again, and boy was I angry I was cheated. Then in the spring of 1998, a friend, who was about twice my age and really as much a mentor as a friend, took me to church. I didn’t care much for it since women were told to be quiet occasionally and respect their husbands and also you had to get up way too early. Then she told me there was was this guy who asked about me, and yeah I was just that easy to convert, so sue me.
My friend happened to invite us both over to her house and set us up, and I said to heck with convention and asked him to exchange phone numbers. And I called him first, because I wanted to tell him all about my birthday. We saw Mulan on our first official date, and I talked about how much I loved it that a Disney princess finally got to kick butt like a man! Much later, when I asked him if it was okay that I was not the good church wife Susie homemaker type, he reminded me of that first date.
It finally occurred to me why I had so many first dates in conservative Texas.
He didn’t seem like a knight except for all that rusted metal he liked to play with, but he wrote me poetry (not great poetry, but poetry staring me – he has not done this since we dated), and he was kind, and a good guy, and we had fun together on our dates. Since he went to church much of the week, I knew he wasn’t out drinking and partying. He too had given up on love at the ripe age of 25, and bought his own house. In his neighborhood, all these little boys would follow us as we rode our bikes around the block. So kids loved him too.
I thought that was enough for an Ever After, but I really had no clue at the time. It wasn’t until we had years together and had experienced so much and gotten through it, that I understood just what love was, and what made a real, steadfast knight. I have depression and anxiety, which is not easy to live with- I know as I have relatives with it as well. But he has stayed through it all, and I have stayed with him and his quirks (our yard is filled with rusted car parts for one) as he yelled and I cried and we made up again and again.
Now it’s been TWENTY YEARS today, and I can answer the question “How do you know he loves you?” It’s not matching his clothes to your eyes either, sorry Amy. It is:
Repeatedly rescuing you from yourself without getting angry, like when you get lost in a city you’ve lived in or near all of your life, or you lock your keys in your car with it running in the rain in a city fifteen minutes from his work.
Reminding you why you should wait for babies, then upon finding out you are pregnant after nine months of marriage, staying calm and saying “Well, we’re having a baby” while your wife runs in circles, screaming and shouting.
And four years later, doing this all again.
Holding your hair back when you throw up from morning sickness.
Yelling about money, or how much time you do or don’t spend together, or any number of other heated arguments, storming out of the house – and coming back.
Taking the baby out with him alone, and not just because she got him “More attention than a dog!”
Going out after a long day of work and picking up your many prescriptions, and sanitary products, and even extra yeast control medication because “it was on sale”. Okay, the last part’s a little weird.
Confronting a doctor when he’s really an introvert because the doctor missed a strep throat diagnosis on your little girl.
Listening to you cry over nothing, letting you lay your head in his lap, and though he has no words or understanding of what is going on with you, just being there. And when he can’t be, encouraging a daughter to actually stay home from church to “Keep Mommy company.” I never knew he did that till later.
Giving indirect compliments to someone else like: “You should see her draw with chalk on the sidewalk like it’s pen on paper! She makes these girls with all this flowing hair and it’s amazing!”
Voting for the opposite political party but not caring about politics to the point that you smile and say “That’s one happy Democrat” after she comes home from a Bill Clinton speech. Then putting up with the same liberal politics from two daughters.
Living with three hormonal women.
Working hard for years for a low salary that slowly builds up until finally your annoying bosses that never want to work leave and you get to be the boss of annoying kids that never want to work. And never quitting.
Being proud of your wife’s many academic degrees even if they seem to do little for the family money-wise.
Staying calm and loving with each job your wife loses, because “Your most important job is being a mom, and you’re such a good mom to those girls.”
Putting up with your Disney doll collection even if they are all over the house. I mean everywhere. At least they aren’t clowns?
Taking lots of time off work to take you six hours to get expensive ECT treatment for depression, for weeks at a time, in the hope that maybe you will finally get better. Keeping you from falling out of shuttles after you have anesthesia from that treatment and are sure you can walk just fine.
So many more things I didn’t name and finally . .
Still loving her after all these years, and willing to do so for more years to come.
I love you, Mr. Alice. Here’s to another twenty years.
Once again, WordPress, I do not want to learn about your new editor, and you can’t make me. Not until you take away the old one, like when the librarians took away the physical card catalog and I had to use the computer one.
Yes, there were physical card catalogs, shut up.
So I sort of missed telling anyone about what to buy for Christmas, and I’m super sorry because I know you were all bereft without my helpful shopping lists. I like the word “bereft”. I also missed Christmas day, but then I have had other Christmas specials if you want to check them out. Come on, you have nothing better to do but work and I know you’re on WordPress right now.
My best gift this Christmas was Tramadol. I contracted another sinus infection (I can get them from pure air I think) and my head was going to explode and I told the doctor that regular Tylenol and Ibuprofen had not helped so could he give me a shot of the good pain stuff? The doctor asked why I didn’t just take regular pain meds? Yeah, he did. Then he looked at ME like I was your average druggie. I am not average, you jerk. He gave me the shot. I felt so much better. Thanks, Tramadol!
I even missed Boxing Day! It’s a real holiday for the UK and Canada and I’m not sure who else. Maybe UPS. I was just thinking about boxing day because my highly cultured 14-year-old brought it up, since she is in debate and thus reads way too much about politics, other cultures, and critical thinking skills. She once wore a shirt with a UK flag to a 4th of July celebration, and no one noticed. Question: Do you guys celebrate independence from us Yanks?
Also I found a snotty article in the New York Times about what Boxing Day is in America – hint: she’s snotty about how dumb we Americans are. I mean sure, we are, but like I need this chick to say it. I’m pretty sure she’s not British cause I didn’t see any extra “u’s in there or anything. She said in the UK you guys give out canned goods and stuff to people right after Christmas (like how much charity to you NEED, sheesh), but that we Americans just stare glassy-eyed at our empty Christmas-present boxes. My family did NOT, Ms. New York Times, we stared at our our still full Christmas bags. They are festive and much easier than all that wrapping crap that my aunt insists on continuing to do, with ribbon so tight you have to saw it off with a knife.
The bags are still full because we haven’t figured out where to put the stuff away yet. I know, first world problems right? Where to put that pregnant mermaid ornament (an earlier gift from the same aunt)? As far as cardboard boxes, I do have a lot of those because I shopped from Amazon this Christmas. It is my hope that my small contribution will help them take over the world of merchandise, if Disney does not get there first. I should also point out I shopped too much from the Disney store so . . . healthy competition, guys.
I did get a new computer since the one I’ve had for many years, which was a gift from a friend who had it for years before that, was conserving its last breaths of life by repeatedly turning itself off at random times. My husband bought my new-to-me (refurbished!) computer with money from his extra job guarding the media gate (with his mere presence!) during the first half of the fall football games. I think I’ll keep him, especially since in two days we will have been married for twenty years. It seems just yesterday I was the 22-year-old clueless, glassy-eyed newlywed staring into the camera with no idea what I was doing. I mean, I still don’t, but I’ve gotten better at hiding it.
Anyway, a new computer meant that I had to remember my old passwords which are usually saved on my computer because I can’t remember them. I kept mashing the same words in, since I really thought I knew them this time, only to realize that I was trying to get into wordpress.org instead of wordpress.com. I didn’t know there was a difference. Once I got on the right one, wallah, I did get into my own blog and there I found a list of blogs to read, and one of those was anupturned soul’s, and guess what she was talking about? Boxing day! And she’s like certified British!
I think we may be Time Life books connected sisters, anupturned soul (can I call you soul? Up? Got a nickname?) because I also like Dr. Who, or I did before this latest one and I totally got your reference to Amy Pond. I think she is one of the best companions and I felt very sad when her baby melted. For those who don’t watch, you had to be there. Thank you for your childhood definition of Boxing Day “. . . a day when everyone put on boxing gloves and punched each other openly, freely, without legal repercussions.” I can get behind this holiday. Like the Purge, only friendlier and not quite as bloody.
I do still plan on finishing my review of Mary Poppins. I am currently reading her second book, Mary Poppins Returns (also a new movie go watch now says Disney counting their money bwahahaha!) and the kids are still going on adventures and Mary Poppins is still being a jerk, so business as usual. I haven’t seen Mary Poppins Returns yet, but I did watch Saving Mr. Banks, a movie about the author of Mary Poppins, P.L. Travers, and Walt Disney, who tried to get the rights to those blasted books for about as long as I’ve been married. Also I saw Before the Mouse, a movie about Walt Disney’s early years and struggles to get started with animation. Say what you will about him, but Walt Disney was freaking determined. He also made his fortune without a “small loan of a million (or 600 million give or take) dollars”.
So now that you’re all caught up with me, what’s up with you guys? Guys?