New coping method: morbid humor

I was feeling a little down and maybe a teensy bit scared what with the country supposedly electing a giant orange cheeto racist sexist xenophobic highly dangerous manbaby to office.  Then, bit by bit, I started letting myself watch political comedy.  It’s where I get most of my news because at least they deliver it with less of a blow.

Well as much as possible as one can do that.

Anyway, I realized that I didn’t have to just hide in my blanket fort.  That’s not because things are all better now.  It’s not because everything is going to be okay.  It’s because you have to survive somehow, and I’ve survived quite a few unfunny things including chronic illness, depression, and anxiety with humor.  My post about my pneumonia got some of the best responses ever.  I was hilarious in my suffering.  Okay, not so much at the time. But when you look at life, there is madness, there is cruelty, but there is also that hope and love crap, and there is always a certain degree of the absolute ridiculous.  We live in Wonderland, now more than ever.

Alice meets Trump and Pence.

Alice meets Trump and Pence.

You might be asking “But, Alice, how can you call the crappery he is dishing out humorous?  He wants to register Muslims!  He wants to reverse all progress on civil rights!  He influences people to write “Trump” on Starbucks cups!”  Some people have talked about how to handle this.  Donate to a planned parenting clinic, or a support center for gay rights, or whatever other thing he’s planning on destroying in the next few years.  And that’s a good thing, but for me, I want something that gives people like our president-elect more of a kick in the . . . pants.

More on that in a bit.  I watched a clip of the Late Show, where Stephen Colbert, like so many of the rest of us, possibly even like Trump himself, is trying to make sense of what just happened.  No one knows, but the good thing is that while some of the stuff Trump wants to do, or at least is not opposed to doing, is truly horrible, there is quite a bit that is truly stupid, and as you know, I like to laugh at stupid people.

Stop being mean, Alice, stop ittttt!

Stop being mean, Alice, stop ittttt!

Here’s just a few:

Twitter:  The dufus is still tweeting.  And his tweets are just as intellectual as ever.  Like in response to the protests in the street, there was “Unfair.”  When a reporter asked one of his representatives why he was still tweeting, the man replied “Because it relaxes him.”  Right.  Ever thought of giving him a puzzle?  Maybe cookies and juice?  A nice long nap?  No?  Okay let him tweet.

Alone time: Trump tried to sneak out for a private dinner, avoiding the reporters. This would have been easier without the line of secret service cars running along with him.  You know how you wanted to be in the spotlight?  Now you are!  Every single second!  Enjoy!

Starbucks: Trump supporters, unhappy that the CEO of Starbucks endorsed Hillary Clinton, have decided to tell Starbucks employees to write “Trump” on their cups by way of protest.  Yes, you heard right. They are boycotting a coffee house by buying more overpriced coffee.  Nevermind the complete logic gap, what I find most amusing is that there are still Trump supporters.  I have something to say to these very confused people.

Psst: You won.  You can stop now.

What they don’t seem to realize is that, like when Obama was elected, people must eventually accept the peaceful transfer of power.  But they don’t have to enjoy it, and they don’t have to be nice about it either.  Yes, throwing bottles and lighting things on fire are not good, but for the most part, the protests have been peaceful. And there is more than one way to protest.  As Trevor Noah of The Daily Show said, while we cannot block this idiot, we can troll him.

Welcome to Hades, troll!

Welcome to Hades, troll!

And troll we will.  After one comedy show, I saw this comment, and I think it is awesome.

“The jokes are better now than they were for the last three months. Trump’s Presidency is going to be one hilarious moment after another until will all die.”

Think of it like a water slide.  There are going to be lots of twists and turns and you’re gonna hit some obstacles like say giant razor blades, but you don’t know when they are coming because you can’t see too far ahead, and you don’t want to, so you might as well enjoy the ride while you can.  And as far as the fear that Trump raises in people, fear I do not laugh at, I have this to say.

Trump wants all Muslims to register?  Here’s the plan.  It’s so simple, that I wish I had thought of it.  We all register Muslim.  Every one of us.  Of course we aren’t all really Muslim, but let him figure out which ones are which, and see how well that goes.  Even Megyn Kelly was freaked out about the idea of basing a registry of a group of people off the freaking Japanese Internment camps.  Same lady who argued that Santa and Jesus were white!.  If she’s freaked out, then a lot of other people are going to be as well.

This Megyn.  She's already regretting so many life choices.

This Megyn. She’s already regretting so many life choices.

That up there – registering as Muslim to protect other Muslims, is not a hashtag.  It’s an action.  And there are more actions you can take.  Remember how I mentioned you could donate to threatened organizations like Planned Parenthood or the Human Rights Campaign?  You totally should donate – even if it’s a dollar – and then, just like the Starbucks people, you should donate in someone else’s name.

Like Trump.  Or Pence.  Or anybody else you want.  They’ll get a thank you card in the mail. And won’t they be pleased!  You can even do this for your alt-right friends and family at Christmas, though I recommend not actually being there when the gift arrives.  Remember many of these people have guns.

So we aren’t helpless here.  We are in an awful situation, but we are not helpless.  And to those who are most at risk, they do not have to be alone. Because we are America.  And we can stand together to protect those who need it.  But don’t forget to get your jollies in at the same time.

Trump and Pence and their cronies are going to make a lot of people they hate very happy this year.

~Alice

Live From the Blanket Fort: Of Dancing Spoons and Disappointed Napkins

Yes, it’s me. I’m still here. And this – this is still happening. But don’t worry, for I am not scared. No, I don’t have tickets to Canada to live with their free health care and hottie Prime Minister, importance not necessarily in that order. But I have protection. Witness the aforementioned blanket fort.

My bunker.

My bunker.

Notice that it is stocked with all needed provisions for the next four years.  I have a bottle of cola, pop tarts, microwave popcorn, pillows, blankets, Disney movies, and animal familiars for possible future witchcraft.  Thanks to Thing Two for her assistance with my safe house here.  Thing one was busy at the high school musical, Beauty and the Beast. She was the star.  She played a spoon.  I think there was some chick named Belle in there too.

More on that later.

I had to pick her up, and the fort was still there, and my husband was due home from church.  So I called him and explained that there was a blanket fort in the living room.  It went like this.

Me: Hi, honey, there’s a blanket fort in the living room.

Husband: A what?

Me: A blanket fort.  I have to go pick up Thing One, but we’ll clean it up later.

Husband: A blanket floor?

Me: There’s a mess in the living room.  Be back soon!

So I got my daughter from her very last performance.  I think you need to understand exactly what these costumes are like.  As soon as I get some pictures back (I didn’t have my camera with me of course) I will post them (with her lovely face blanked out) because you have to see this thing.  Think giant, thick, board (real board not that cardboard stuff) made in the shape of a spoon, strapped to her back in several places, with the spoon head sticking out far over her head.  She danced in this thing.  I can’t even imagine.  On the plus side, her posture should be great now.

And I have to say, I enjoyed the play immensely.  Now this may be a surprise, but I sort of like Disney, especially this particular movie.  And the Broadway version is way better.  But I had my doubts as these were high school kids who dealt with a change in directors in the very middle of a musical that involves a heavy amount of dancing and singing in big numbers because this is Disney and they do everything on speed.

Yet they surprised me, to my delight.  Everything was fabulous.  Gaston was short, but they even put in jokes about that.  At one point his wig was knocked partly off – he tossed it back on and kept going.  I missed the second performance when the beast lost his wig after being stabbed by Gaston, and Belle fell upon him in despair, and probably to cover up the wig mishap while the kids backstage stifled laughter.  But honestly, mostly this was a grade A performance. Belle was incredible. The Beast was incredible.  The whole cast was amazing and the story and sets fabulous.

I was informed by Thing Two that the sister of a friend came close to playing the part of Belle, but did not get it because “Miss Perfect” did (can’t fault her there, that girl can sing, dance, act, and she’s pretty – some people hit the genetic lottery).  Anyway, the poor girl had to become a napkin.

“You can tell which one she is,” Thing Two explained.  “She’s the most disappointed looking dancing napkin out there.”

I, however, was transfixed through the whole thing, even when my spoon wasn’t on stage.  My husband, brave man that he is, shifted a lot in his seat.  Father of the Year for sitting through not one but two of these three-hour performances.

But I guess this brings me back to how it is the arts that can bring us away from where we are, no matter how horrible we feel that place is.  For three hours, I forgot about the election, about the problems in the world, about everything else.  I was in another world, and I laughed, and I cried, at every bit of it. But when my daughter, my spoon, came out on stage for her numbers, afterward I clapped so hard with pride that my hands hurt.

This is what will get us through.  Writing, humor (sometimes through choked back bile), books, movies . . . and of course, a blanket fort for protection.  Here I am, watching from my fort.

Yes, I am an adult.

Yes, I am an adult.

I may look a bit like Snoopy from the Red Baron mixed up with Ferris from his day off, but I’m still here, darn it. I may be reporting on events from this location for a while. Probably not political events because I am still in the denial stage of grief where I pretend “The Happening” never occurred. But still reporting. Never give up, never surrender.

Never forget pop tarts and coke while hiding in your blanket fort.

~ Alice

Elsa vs Hans: How to Reform an Election

Hello, again.  In case anyone was expecting a conclusion, or just hiding in their blanket forts, I’ve had a headache going on since roughly the beginning of time.  Or possibly this election.  It is pounding, pounding like drums of war and it looks at pain meds like “Bah!”  But nevermind my sinus / tension / help us all headache, I should wrap up the election in Arendelle.  It’s so easy in fairy tales.

arendelle-president-fb1 arendelle-president-fb2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, it’s all over in Arendelle!  They have a queen!  Why is monarchy suddenly sounding better to me now?  Look at our good neighbors in Britain.  I’m pretty sure at this point that Prince George and Princess Charlotte could govern about as well their politicians, and they’re toddlers.  And just think, we’d be descended from King George Washington, and the worst scandal he faced was that cherry tree thing, and we’re pretty sure that was all a set-up.

Wouldn't it be great if we could do this with ALL politicians?

Wouldn’t it be great if we could do this with ALL politicians?

I might be losing it just a tad.  I mean just because the whole thing is over on Tuesday.  Which is – two days from now.  But no need to PANIC.  We should instead be thinking of reform, saying we get through the next four years.  Here are some ideas I had while my head pounded.

  • No more campaign funds from donors or even the candidates’ own personal fortunes.  Each candidate is given 50 dollars from start to finish to finance their campaign.  I’m thinking some trips to the Dollar Store will be in order.  Think poster board and lots of crayons.
  • From start the finish, the campaign season can last, at maximum, 3 months, or roughly as long as the Christmas season.  No more campaigning as soon as a president sits down.  Shut up and start thinking how you’re gonna spread out that 50 bucks, people.
  • No more special interest groups, PACs, corporations, or whatever the heck you’re called influencing the election. They’ve already got their 50 bucks, which is a good enough allowance, so do be quiet, they don’t care about you without your money.
  • Media coverage cannot be bought by either party.  That’s right, media, you have to find your own news!  And just like high school students, you might try citing your work!  There’s not going to be as much to cover, because they will only be here for three months, so you might want to shut off the news occasionally.  It’s okay.  We’ll get by not knowing if former Disney stars are planning to run for president or somehow else destroy their reputation for a few hours.
  • Time to reform the electoral college.  First off, by explaining how it works.  That bad, huh?  Maybe you should try to change it.  You’ve got four years.  Work it out.
  • Only two debates.  One for the primary, one for the actual election.  No more than 5 candidates allowed on stage.  I don’t care how they fight it out, no one listens to more than 3 or 4 of them anyway, so just 5 in the primary.  If anyone acts like a brat in either debate, either by calling names or refusing to answer a question, he or she is sent to the time out hall of shame chair.  If they do it again, they don’t get to come back.  No more debate for you!
  • Candidates are not allowed to say mean things about their rivals.  We have to leave something for the media to do – all on their own.  Candidates can only give detailed plans for beginning to solve stuff like poverty.  Expect a lot of quiet debates until they get used to this.
  • Politicians are only allowed to communicate via those old Mission Impossible tapes that explode after the message is finished.  No more twitter or email ever again.

I know there’s more, so much more, but I’ll leave it at that.  If you have anything to add, please do!  You can find me at  Blanket Fort, Alice’s living room, Alice town, 1234HELP.

~ Alice

Elsa vs Hans: 2016 Spooktacular Debate

Happy Halloween, guys.  I’ve never really liked this holiday, even when I was little.  Sure, I liked the candy, but they usually gave you those circus peanut things.  Also you never looked as good in your costume as the girl on the cover, partly because they left out half the items she’s wearing, and partly because you weren’t the girl on the cover.  But I digress, I have a fictional debate to run.  They do wear nice costumes, though.

I would have added in a jump scare with either of our actual candidates, but since you never know what picture WP will decide to add to the preview, I’ll just stick to the evil hag who at least knows the issues that matter to her.

Boo! Where's my beeping check?

Boo! Where’s my beeping check?

Okay, off to the races.  We have our first, and only, Arendelle presidential debate since this is Disney where  the dream that you wish will come true.

First off, we have our moderator, Belle, because of course the only one who reads books would be stuck with it.

Welcome to the debate. Let's try to be civil here.

Welcome to the debate. Let’s try to be civil here.

Wishful thinking, Belle.  Next comes the introduction of the candidates, who walk on stage in their usual subtle style.  Here come Prince Hans and Queen Elsa.

So sorry. Someone forgot my fog machine.

So sorry. Someone forgot my fog machine.

Politics never bothered me anywaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Politics never bothered me anywaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Right. So first question is for Elsa. You have a bad history of causing environmental problems. What do you have to say about this?

Right. So first question is for Elsa. You have a bad history of causing environmental problems. What do you have to say about this?

Well, I was born with these ice powers so my parents locked me in my room most of my life and then they died so when I got out I . . . well . . . this ice storm happened.

Well, I was born with these ice powers so my parents locked me in my room most of my life and then they died so when I got out I . . . well . . . this ice storm happened.

Her sister annoyed her and she let loose with these freaked out icicles that nearly killed us and then the entire kingdom fell into a nuclear winter. I know, I was there.

Her sister annoyed her and she let loose with these freaked out icicles that nearly killed us and then the entire kingdom fell into a nuclear winter. I know, I was there.

 

In all fairness, this was a long time ago and I have my powers totally under control. Let it go, Hans.

In all fairness, this was a long time ago and I have my powers totally under control. Let it go, Hans.

Except for the time you had that cold and created millions of tiny animate snowballs - who we don't know if they're dangerous or not I might add.

Except for the time you had that cold and created millions of tiny animate snowballs.

 

We found a nice home for the snowgies, and there is no longer any problem with my health or my powers, thank you.

My health is fine now.  And we found a nice home for the snowgies,

Yes, they are totally safe up on the mountain with the abominable snowman you also made. And then there's Olaf . . .

Yes, they are totally safe up on the mountain with the abominable snowman you also made. And then there’s Olaf . . .

Moooving on. This one is for you, Hans. You are accused of trying to murder Anna and Elsa and trying to steal their kingdom. How do you answer these accusations?

Moooving on. This one is for you, Hans. You are accused of trying to murder Anna and Elsa in order to steal their kingdom. How do you answer these accusations?

I don't think I introduced you to my lovely wife and kids yet! By the way, I should point out that Elsa does not have either.

I don’t think I introduced you to my lovely wife and kids yet! By the way, I should point out that Elsa does not have either.

Wait . . . what?

Wait . . . what?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hans invites his family up on stage and introduces them.

Meet my wife Barbie, and my adorable baby twins, Hans II, and Helsa.

Meet my wife Barbie, and my adorable baby twins, Hans II, and Helsa.

That . . . didn't answer the question. Also - your family is in a box.

That . . . didn’t answer the question. Also – your family is in a box.

They like it in there. Elsa could never have family values. She has no family except Anna and her husband with that weird affection for reindeer . . .

They like it in there. Elsa could never have family values. She has no family except Anna and her brother-in-law with that weird affection for reindeer . . .

I am the first Disney heroine not to need a man. And no internet, I'm not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I am the first Disney heroine not to need a man. Besides Merida and Mulan. And no internet, I’m not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Okay, final question. How do you both plan to make Arendelle great again?

Okay, final question. How do you both plan to make Arendelle great again?

First, I'm going to arrest Elsa. Also her sister. And anyone else I don't like. Then I'm going to build a giant wall around the city to keep out Muslim terrorists like Aladdin and Jasmine. I'm going to cut taxes on myself, because I will give jobs to people like Tiana who come from black inner cities where there's all that violence and whatnot. I'll grab any girl I please or just leave them to die. And I will murder all the little children training to be Jedi in the temple.

First, I’m going to arrest Elsa. Also her sister. And anyone else I don’t like. Then I’m going to build a giant wall around the city to keep out Muslim terrorists like Aladdin and Jasmine. I’m going to cut taxes on myself, because I will give jobs to people like Tiana who come from black inner cities where there’s all that violence and whatnot. I’ll grab any girl I please or just leave them to die. And I will murder all the little children training to be Jedi in the temple.  And if you don’t elect me, I’ll take my minions and start riots in the streets.

. . .

. . .

Wow. I don't know . . . did you just say that?

Wow. I don’t. . . did you just say that?

Of course not! What candidate would be stupid enough to admit all of that? I'm going to buy kittens for every person in Arendelle.

Of course not! What candidate would be stupid enough to admit all of that? I’m going to buy kittens for every person in Arendelle.

If I am elected, I will treat all citizens of Arendelle as equals! And I swear not to, like, freeze them again - or I'll fix it when I do. I mean - look at your alternative.

If I am elected, I will treat all citizens of Arendelle as equals! And I swear not to, like, freeze them again – or I’ll fix it when I do. I mean – look at your alternative.

Ah . . . that was - really frightening. So ends the debate. Good luck people of Arendelle. I'm heading back to France.

Ah . . . that was – really frightening. So ends the debate. Good luck people of Arendelle. I’m heading back to France.

So the debate is over?  Time for the election!  I mean I’m sure no more scandals will surface or anything.  Like – does anyone know or care about the running mates?  Is Hans really going to give people kittens or could there be something slightly sinister behind him?  Has Elsa ever changed clothes since she put on that sparkly dress?  How did Hans change clothes in the middle of the debate?  Will this be done in one more post long before the presidential election (in NINE DAYS not to frighten you)?  Yes.

You’re welcome.

~Alice

This is Your Brain on Politics

Hello, all, for a change I decided to write a post on stupid politics.  This one, though, is about the effect of politics, and this election specifically, on mental health.  I know – who would get mental problems from this election?  It is posted on a mental health blog called Canvas of the Minds.  It’s a great site where bloggers from all over blog about mental health.  Sometimes with snark – if they are me.  So please visit Canvas and check out the other authors as well, or let those in your life who deal with this fun stuff know about it too.  I will close comments so people will, hopefully, comment over there.

Couldn’t figure out how to reblog.  So here is the link.  LINK DROP!

This is Your Brain on Politics

Thanks

~Alice

Elsa vs. Hans: The campaign continues

With the election season underway, Hans and Elsa got prepared the typical way.  With parties from campaign donors.

Hans Bond

Why, thank you, ladies. I deeply respect . . . your money.

Party conventions

disney hunger games 1

This year’s Elsa convention held in my backyard.

TV interviews

The Belle Show

The Belle Show

And of course, lots of political ads.

I love it when I find just what I need on Google images.

I love it when I find just what I need on Google images.

But that’s just preparation for the big debate.  Elsa leaves a quick thank you for her supporters.

elsa-thanks-supporters-1elsa-thanks-supporters-2After a careful Twitter search . . .

disneypresident-fb-hans-gets-snows-voteOh oh.  Elsa better keep hold of her supporters, especially the easily persuaded.  Not that there are many of those . . . yeah.  So we finally hear from the campaign managers of both campaigns.

Mother Gothel here to promote the Hans campaign. Arendelle needs a strong leader like Hans who does not freeze countries. Or shoot icicles at people. Etc.

Mother Gothel here to promote the Hans campaign. Arendelle needs a strong leader like Hans who does not freeze countries. Or shoot icicles at people. Etc.

Ah, Mother Gothel?  Now why would she promote Hans?  What is their connection?  How did she come back from the dead?  Questions, questions.

Shang spoke for his candidate, Elsa.

Elsa is clearly the superior talent. She isn't a sociopath, she's never been in prison - well just once, and she's a strong, loving ruler. Also - check out my pectorals.

Elsa is clearly the superior candidate. She isn’t a sociopath, she’s never been in prison – well just once, and she’s a strong, loving ruler. Also – check out my pectorals.

So now they are ready for the first debate.  Later their VP candidates will debate too.  Hans tried to choose himself, but needed someone else.  You’ll soon find out, but any guesses would be fun.  Stay tuned for coverage of this ridiculous, historic event.

~Alice

Elsa vs Hans: The 2016 Arendelle Presidential Race

What, another election?  Don’t worry, this one will be blessedly short, which is great.  It also involves fictional people, which makes it even better.  Also it gives me something to do cause I’m bored.

As with all monumental decisions, it started with a Facebook post.

disneypresident-fb-1

Hans wasted no time getting his press coverage in.  On Facebook.  Of course.

disneypresident-fb2

Rapunzel had a good idea there.  Popcorn makes almost everything better.  I’m stocked in it for early next month.  Next came the search for campaign managers and running mates.  Yes, in this election the primaries were skipped because most Disney royalty are not stupid enough to run in an election.  They stayed with Facebook for candidates, because I kept losing my camera.  I mean it’s more efficient.  Better than Twitter anyway.  #twitterisforlosers

disneypresident-fb3

After whacking her head against some ice a few times, Elsa tries again.

disneypresident-fb-4adisneypresident-fb-4b

Oh, if only it were so easy, Elsa.  So many questions.  How DID Hans get out of prison this time?  Who is helping his campaign?  How many scandals will surface?  Will I find my camera or just have the whole thing done on Faceboook?  Shouldn’t we consider that for the next election?

Stay tuned.

~Alice

I Can’t Take It Anymore: Timeline Part Two

Welcome back to the year of . . . Fun, Fun, Fun.  And Hell.  Let’s see if we can get through this timeline of politics and a few other things.  I might have missed a war or two.  I’m stopping before November because I’m not sure if we will actually survive it, and why waste a post?  Here we go!

Don't you just love presidential debates?

Don’t you just love presidential debates?

March 2016

North Caroline debates about the big issues – like who goes to what potty.

Ben Carson wakes up slightly and realizes he’s still in the Republican presidential race.  He drops out – onto the floor probably.

We also lose Marco Rubio, so I will sadly no longer get to use the “Marco Polo” joke anymore.

“Let me put it plainly, if we Republicans choose Donald Trump as our nominee, the prospects for a safe and prosperous future are greatly diminished” –  Quote by Mitt “Mittens” Romney.  Mitt Romney is making sense now.  Be afraid.

April 2016

Sanders and Hillary go head to head in debate.  People hit the deck in case of blood spurts.

Trump continues to act like an rabid chimp throwing poo.  Naturally he starts winning major states.

Cruz names Carly “standing witchface” Fiorina as his VP.  She takes a dive off the stage.  Great times.

May 2016

Six days after picking a VP, Cruz drops out of the race.  A day later, Kasich (you know, that guy) drops out too.

This leaves only Trump in the race. Other countries are looking at us like “I am so not hanging out with you anymore, U.S.”

Breaking Report: Cute kittens continue to be born, filmed on youtube.

June 2016

U.N. has Brexit, which is not the meal between breakfast and lunch, but a withdrawal from the European Union.  It doesn’t go so well.

Paul “The Weasel” Ryan says he’ll vote for Trump.

Five days later Paul “The Weasel” Ryan calls Trump a racist.  Like you just now noticed, Weasel Boy?

Hillary has enough votes to win the primary making her the first woman presidential candidate.  Sanders does not see her winning as a reason to leave.  Not when he can still annoy her.

Want to see pics of my teens when they were cute babies?

July 2016

Japan manufactures the last videocassette recorder.  Now what do we do with these VHS tapes?  Thanks!

The F.B.I. gets really tired of reading through Hillary’s emails, most of which probably involved online receipts for anti-aging cream, photos of her grandchild, and complaints of  “how do you work this thing again?”.  Lucky for us, the Republicans will continue to talk about her treason for years to come.  Please, Hillary, get Chelsea to teach you texting!

Sanders gives in and endorses Hillary.  His lunatic fringe supporters go nuts cause how dare he act respectful?  Isn’t that “out” this election?

Cruz is booed for not endorsing Trump, ironically the only intelligent decision he’s ever made.

Wikileaks (Doncha just love these guys?  Doncha?) leaks what everyone pretty much already knew.  The Democratic Chair was a lying liar who lied and manipulated stuff.  I’m sure this has never before happened with the chairs of either party.

Sloths seal their place as my spirit animal.

August 2016

2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.  A U.S. Olympian gets drunk, vandalizes stuff, then claims he was robbed, thus keeping up good international relations.

Trump takes on a new campaign manager, which surprises everyone cause who knew he had one?

Clinton aide separates from her husband, the infamous Anthony Weiner.  At least Hillary’s cheating husband was not named Weiner.

We still have the Wiener dog races.  Check ’em out.

September 2016

The U.S. and China, responsible for 40 percent of the world’s carbon emissions, ratify global climate agreement.  And say “Our bad.”

Hillary called out for calling Trump supporters “deplorables.”  They get on her when she lies AND tells the truth!

Hillary and Trump react to the New York City bombing.  Trump says “Hillary did it.”

First smack down debate between Hillary and Trump.  Trump acts grouchy, sniffs, and says “wrong” a lot.  Hillary is giddy with excitement.  She’s been preparing for this for DECADES.

Did I mention kittens?

October 2016

VP candidates have debate.  Supposedly Pence did well because he did not try to punch Kaine in his smiling face.  Trump’s reaction?  Extreme jealousy of his running mate.  Right.

Tapes are released of Trump bragging about assaulting women.  For some reason, people are actually surprised, and Republicans begin leaving his side in droves to protect themselves.

Wikileaks dumps info on Hillary Clinton’s speeches to Goldman Sachs.  Apparently, she was paid, and she said stuff that she’s said before anyway.

Trump and Hillary have their second debate, town hall style.  Trump takes this to mean he should impersonate various animals including weasel, bear, shark, and toddler.  Neither candidate really answers a question, thus keeping to the status quo.

Third and Final (or people will start rushing the stage) debate.  Donald starts out almost normal, then goes boom.  He decides he doesn’t have to concede the election because who needs democracy?

Trump adds to his statement saying he won’t accept the results “Unless he wins.”  Pence backs this up, saying they don’t have to if they don’t wanna.

I decide to pick my own reality too and build a blanket fort in my living room.  I invite anyone else in who needs to escape the planet a while.  I am playing Disney films and eating Oreos.

Just 17 days to go till D day!  But, really, what could happen in a a 2 and a half weeks?

Don’t answer that.

~Alice

Disney Villains watch the Final Presidential Debate

I figured, when watching this last debate, who better to help out than those who know politics best: Disney villains.  The Things helped gather all those we could find for a focus group.  Maleficent got caught in traffic, or so she said.  And Cinderella’s evil stepmother was busy working on the third party (the evil party) campaigns of her stepdaughters.  But most of them showed up, partly because I promised them pardons from their respective kingdoms.

They're all ready to take notes.  We'll see how long it takes them to figure out this isn't Dance Moms.

They’re all ready to take notes. We’ll see how long it takes them to figure out this isn’t Dance Moms.

First question: What’s your opinion on the second amendment that guarantees your right to free arms?  Should there be gun restrictions, yadda.

Gaston: YES!  GUNS! Jafar: What about magic? Hans: Sword will do in a pinch.

Gaston: YES! GUNS!
Jafar: What about magic?
Hans: Sword will do in a pinch.

Second question: What do you think of abortions, specifically late term abortions?

Mother Gothel: I love children!  Especially ones with magical hair. Ursula: I prefer after birth abortions.  Once you have their voice.

Mother Gothel: I love children! Especially ones with magical hair I can kidnap.
Ursula: I prefer after birth abortions. But really, who needs a voice?

Third question: What is your stance on immigration?  Should we build a wall or help them become citizens?

Jafar: Keep out the street rats Gaston: I say we shoot them. Hans: I wouldn't mind them building me a castle first.

Jafar: Keep out the street rats
Gaston: I say we shoot them.
Hans: I wouldn’t mind them building me a castle first.

Fourth Question: Wikileaks has been leaking secret information, possibly from Russia.  What do you think of that?

Ursula: It IS nice to have things to hold against people, bwahahaha. Mother Gothel: Wikileaks sounds like a plumbing problem.

Ursula: It IS nice to have blackmail against people, bwahahaha.
Mother Gothel: Wikileaks sounds like a plumbing problem.

Fifth question: How do you plan to help the economy?

All: Tax cuts for villains.  The evil will trickle down.

Hans: Tax cuts for villains. The evil will trickle down.  Others: Works for us.

Sixth Question: Do you believe you are fit to be president?  Is it okay to grope women?

Gaston: Groping women is great! Evil Hag: Only if we get to grope back

Gaston: Groping women is great!
Evil Hag: Only if we get to grope back.

Sixth question: Let’s talk about ISIS, Syria, and Iraq.  How are you going to fix it all?

Who cares?  I want to know about my social security!

What are those? I want to know about my social security!

Seventh Question: How are we going to fund Social Security, Medicare, and control the National Debt?

Evil Hag: My economy was based purely on beauty products.  We were fine. Now give me my check.

Evil Hag: My economy was based purely on beauty products. We were fine. Now give me my check.

Will you accept the results of the election?

Gaston: No. Jafar: No. Hans: I'm going to say yes, because it sounds good. Then I'll kill my opponent.

Gaston: No.
Jafar: No.
Hans: I’m going to say yes, because it sounds good. Then I’ll kill my opponent.

Any closing statements?

Hans: I think we all know I'd be best at this thing.  I'm a sociopath, but I'm subtle about it. Queen of Hearts: Off with their heads!

Hans: I think we all know I’d be best at this thing. I’m a sociopath, but I’m subtle about it.
Queen of Hearts: Off with their heads!

So I guess they got as much out of the debate as the rest of us.  The most important question was one that was so easy for Mr. Trump.  Will you agree to transfer power?  He sorta answered that one wrong.  As Hans knows, you have to be subtle to truly make it in politics.  Tsk Tsk.

Did any of you see the debate?  What did you think of it?

~Alice

I can’t take it anymore: a timeline of the past year!

“Rock n Roller Cola Wars,

I can’t take it anymore!”

– Billy Joel

My only crime is pure awesomeness.

When did America turn into Game of Thrones?

“We Didn’t Start the Fire”. It’s a song by Billy Joel that goes through a history book picking out all the awesome (Television!) and not so awesome (Vietnam!) things that had gone on in his life up until around the 1980s.  I believe he ended with “Rock n roller cola wars, I can’t take it anymore.”  Well, Billy, you really didn’t guess what was coming up next.

I did a “We Didn’t Start the Fire” type post a few years ago.  But I still stopped up way too early.  So I figured, why not take the last year or so and see what happens?  Hint: Very bad things. And a few, I guess, are good.  Please note: I faithfully did a Google search from July 2015 to October of 2016 and it seems most timelines tend to stop before 2015.  There is a reason for this.  No matter, trust in Alice and Wikipedia and such.  I have split this post because it got so long.  Like the past year.  So, so, so long.

 

July 2015

Oregon makes marijuana legal.  Just in time.

Scott Walker, jerk Wisconsin governor with a personal vendetta against those fat cat teachers, announces his run for President.  wee.

The U.S. and Iran talk nukes.  Or something.  Whatever.

President Obama questions the use of solitary confinement in U.S. prisons.  For prisoners anyway.  Politicians on the other hand . . .

A gunman opens fire.  At two military institutions, a crowded theater, and more.  I’m sure we will nip this thing in the bud soon.

John Kasich becomes the 16th person to seek nomination of the Republican party.  Yup.  SIXTEENTH.

 

August 2015

Street corner sized sinkhole forms in Brooklyn, New York.  I see foreshadowing for this year.

First debate before the 2016 Republican Primaries is held.  Conservative white dudes as far as the eye can see.  Also Ben and Carly.  Also Donald Trump (more like circus peanut than dude), but who would take HIM seriously?

Jon Stewart, in an effort to preserve sanity (he had no idea), retires from the Daily Show

Subway starts to really regret hiring that Jared guy.

More people shot.  To change things up, someone goes after people in a movie theater this month with an ax.  Netflix looking much better.

McDonald’s and Tyson foods horrified that a Tennessee based farm “stomps on chickens”.  No stomping before deep frying – it’s a rule.

 

September 2015

Just keep in mind that people are shot every month.

Clerk Kim Davis refuses to sign marriage licenses for same-sex couples.  It’s sort of her job to sign her name on stuff, so she gets in trouble.  Republicans make her a hero.

Stephen Colbert succeeds David Letterman as Late Night host.  Humor is all that will get us through.

Police in Irving, Texas agree to drop charges on that kid who carried an alarm clock to school.  Guns = good.  Alarm clocks = bad.

Rick Perry, hated even by Republicans in TEXAS, drops out of the race.  So does Scott Walker.  Awwws.

Pope Francis visits the U.S. and does a lot of important things but no one remembers anything except for Kim Davis crashing his party.

 

October 2015

Unemployment rate drops to 5 percent, the same as when the recession hit in 2007.  But Obama is still a Muslim commie.

Jim Webb drops out of the Democratic race.  Who was he again?

Hillary Clinton answers 8 hours worth of questions on that Benzhai thing.  Next up, Republicans plan to force her to watch 8 hours of Fox News – she’ll really give up her secrets then.

That other guy no one knew drops out of the Democratic presidential race.  No one notices.

World Health Organization finds that sausage and ham and everything you love causes Cancer.

 

November 2015

Newspapers report that like, oil companies knew fossil fuels were bad for the environment.

At the Republican debate, 7 candidates try to team up on Trump, hurling mud, insults, and threatening to tell Mom.  Well that last one was just Jeb.

At the Democratic debate, Hillary and Sanders argue about health care and other blah stuff, while O’Malley waves his hand wildly, hoping to speak.

More gunmen, but one baseball team beats another one, so hooray!

 

December 2015

More people drop like flies from the presidential race.  Everyone’s waiting for Trump to shout “Just kidding!” and leave.

Terrorist attack in San Bernardino.  Donald Trump has the answer – ban all Muslims, just to make sure.  Yet he’s still in the race.

Two other guys drop out though.

Bill Cosby gets an arrest warrant.  No more pudding for him.

“This is not the type of campaign we run” – said by Bernie Sanders in a Democratic debate.  Sorry, Bern, seems this IS the kind of campaign we run.  Extra crispy crazy.

 

January 2016

Artists boycott the Oscars because there aren’t enough African Americans nominated.  A lot of America boycotts it because it’s so boring.

Zika virus appears.  Donald Trump calls for banning all mosquitoes from the United States.

Jeb releases entertaining political ads, such as the one where he calls Trump a jerk.  No really.

The International Atomic Energy Agency says Iran has dismantled their nukes.  United Nations gives them a pat on the back.  Many Americans say “Wait, there were nukes?”

 

February 2016

North Korea launches a long range rocket into space in a desperate bid for attention.

Poor Democratic nominee Martin O’Malley (can I talk?  can I talk NOW?) drops out.  Sanders and Hillary too busy hissing and scratching to notice.

Former Prez Jimmy Carter picks Trump over Cruz.  Cruz, dude, that’s just not good.

Quitting the Republican race: Jeb! (sadly the only partially sane candidate), Carly Fiorina (standing witchface), and Rand Paul (really a Libertarian unicorn).

Supreme Court Justice Scalia dies, and people mourn for roughly five seconds before pondering who gets his seat.

 

Stay tuned for Part Two – if you darrre.