Real Life in Disney Song

Okay, so the last post was like, serious and stuff, and that makes me really uncomfortable, so back to the stupid crap I usually post.  Hooray?

Right, so the girls and I were watching some videos last night and there was this lady that did the entire song “Belle” from Beauty and the Beast herself – there are a lot of background singers in it.  And then the tune was stuck in our heads. So we went around sing -talking everywhere.  And we couldn’t stop.  It was too much fun.  Here’s the video so you can get the tune stuck in your head.  Then look down for our samples of fabulous singing lyrics.

Oh WordPress editor

I hate you so much

Why can’t you be just like before?

With the boop boop beep bop crap

And the settings I don’t get

I really want to smash you into bitssss

***

Looook here I’ve found some lauuuundry

If I close my eyes it dis-a-ppears

Thennnnn I don’t need to do chores

Until I figure out I have no clothes to wear

***

Oh look I see that the trash can is full now

It’s time for you to take it out

Go and get your shoes

And dump out that old news

And don’t forget the liner this time Things!

Good thing I'm not Cinderella.  No laundry for me!

Good thing I’m not Cinderella. No laundry or trash dumping for me!

Oh hey I think it’s time for prayer now

Your dad wants me to shut my mouth

But I really can’t give in

I know it is a sin

Maybe we could just sing the whole prayer this time?

***

Bonjour good night, It’s time for bed now!
Bonjour, good day, I’m wide awake

Why can’t I sleep when it is time to?

Now -I -know-I-will-be-tired-all-day

***

I want much more than this same old job!

But they don’t pay you just to be a sloooob!

It pays a lot more if you marry rich, yeah.  It's better than an MLS . . .

It pays a lot more if you marry rich, yeah. It’s better than an MLS . . .

And so on and so forth.  The fun thing is that you can do it with any song.  Since I have way too much knowledge of Disney songs, I’ll try another one, from The Little Mermaid “Part of That World”.

I want to be

where the cool kids are

I wanna see

Wanna see ’em gossip

Walking around like they’re

What’s the word?  Jerrrrrrks

'Dose popular kids dey hate you, just stick with de nerdy crowd!"

‘Dose popular kids dey hate you, just stick with de nerdy crowd!”

Got any song lyrics of your own?  Want me to do more?  Because I can and I will do it all day.  I just don’t think I’m feeling well.  You can ask me to shut up.  But I’ll still spill my guts.  Your only choice is to run from my blooog.

Facebook News: How Many Babies Can You FIt Inside a Senior Citizen?

I have to say, guys, I am on a roll here with this Facebook news.  All this time I had no idea some of this news was even happening, since I seem to keep missing TLC’s weird shows in the line up.  I’m always in time for the wedding shows.  How many times can they talk about a wedding dress?  There’s not much humor there.  Oh, look, today we have some moron with more money than sense (or with parents who qualify) taking an entourage of people with her to find a dress for her wedding day.  And the dresses MUST start at like 10,000 dollars or you might as well wear a garbage bag.  And it’s important to have both the dress shop owners AND your family members repeatedly insult you about your choices – like an episode of Maury only with more fashion.  This is not at all like what happened on the last 1,000 episodes.

Dress: 1 bazillion dollars Credit Card Bill: Priceless

Dress: 1 bazillion dollars
Credit Card Bill: Priceless

And since this is obviously so fascinating, TLC must have dozens of shows about the exact same thing – wedding dresses.  And then they must show them in a marathon.  Until your brain bleeds.  Really, TLC, I have more important stuff to watch.  Like shows about the lady with Freddie Krueger nails and the eternal Santa Claus looking for love.  Or all those zany mishaps ending people up in the ER.  Or the baby powder snorters.  And of course there are the baby-making shows.  Either shows about who can pop out the most kids, how many babies they can fit inside them at one time like a gumball machine, what size those kids are (if you can do it with average size adults, it can be done with little people too), how the kid was born in a forest or a car or on the sidewalk beside a daycare (all true), or how people can have twins without even knowing they are pregnant.  I’m not sure if the one about the mom and her teen being preggers at the same time is still on, but it wouldn’t surprise me.

Speaking of fascinating births, we have our latest bit of Facebook news, and it is totally blowing Alyssa and her breastmilk out of the water, er plane.

Pregnancy Over 50: 65-year-old Berlin Schoolteacher Pregnant with Quadruplets

Wow.  What can I say except – hey, Americans, you are totally letting us down here.  We have to go to Berlin to find someone this whacked out crazy.  I mean getting pregnant with quads is weird enough, but when you’re eligible for social security?  And you already have 13 children, the oldest of which is 44 and too old for having babies herself?

No problem, I feel like I'm 55 again!

No problem, I feel like I’m 55 again!

I try to peer into the mind of someone like this.  Why would you want another baby at that age?  She has 7 grandchildren.  Those are the best.  Take ’em for a while, give them loud, obnoxious toys and fill them with sweets, then send the home.  Yet she wants more of her own.  Couldn’t she like, adopt some puppies?  People don’t frown if you occasionally put those in a kennel.  Or baby dolls!  They have lifelike ones and I’ve seen some people on TLC who drag them along in real strollers like actual children which is whack, but not as whack as four real babies at 65.  Saying they all survive.  There seems to be a contest for people to have the most babies at one time so they can score reality shows and stock in Huggies.  But the thing is, we aren’t dogs.  We’re people.  We’re not actually meant to have litters.  Technically, even a twin pregnancy is high risk.  So – someone needs to take away this lady’s access to baby-making tools before she and all her children are in diapers together.

There were a lot of comments on this article.  Some say she is selfish since she’ll probably die and leave the babies without an insane mother.  I say she wants her 15 minutes of fame.  And guess what?  She’s got it!  If she can just toast those babies a few more months in there, she could get a reality show for sure.  Move over Kate plus 8.  We’ve got Geriatrics plus 17.  Three more and she could outdo Michelle Duggar, who only has 19 of the little buggers.  Maybe she could get married too – she’d need a wedding dress!  And if she married a little person, our story would be complete.  As long as they make sure she has the quads out in the woods or something.

This is Alice, your Facebook reporter, signing off.

More Facebook News: Alyssa Milano and the case of the stolen breast milk

I was chatting with my old pal Merbear and her hubs when Mer noticed another IMPORTANT NEWS ARTICLE on Facebook.  Apparently Alyssa Milano was getting on an airplane and someone confiscated her breastmilk.  OMG.  STOP THE PRESSES.  This is Alyssa Milano, people, and clearly they did not recognize that she was, HELLO, on that show with the witches that lasted like dozens of seasons somehow AND “Who’s the Boss” back in the 1980s.  I remember the episode where she picked out her first training bra with a pink bow.  And now here we are, coming full circle back to the boobs.

Just WAIT till Twitter is invented, Dad.

Just WAIT till Twitter is invented, Dad.

And there are several boobs here, as you’ll soon see.  Now I’m not going into a breast vs bottle debate or breastfeeding in public or any of those other first world problems we have going on around here cause I like to keep this a lactivist-free zone.  I’m also not arguing that it was not incredibly moronic to take breast milk, even if the rules do say take away liquids cause once a terrorist once tried to use liquid to blow up a plane.  I mean, it’s breast milk, and I highly doubt it carries explosives.  If so, I have to say I’d be very impressed and much more keen to call breastfeeding a true “super power”.

I don’t know the exact airport guidelines for liquids anymore, and I didn’t want to look it up, especially since a lot of airline personnel also don’t really get the guidelines either.  They’re just doing their jobs, which, like most jobs, make no common sense.  I mean, it’s not like terrorists get together in little conventions every few months and share their tips and strategies.

Todd, I'm tellin' ya, put the stuff in breast milk.  They'll never suspect!

Todd, I’m tellin’ ya, put the stuff in breast milk. They’ll never suspect!

Terrorist One: Hey, man, I heard this dude hid a razor in his shoe and hijacked an airline. 

Terrorist Two: Cool stuff.  Let’s do that from now on.  They will never suspect a thing!

Still, we take our shoes off at the airport because, well, maybe some terrorists really are that stupid and by golly, we are going to catch them.  As well as a lot of irritated people just trying to make their flights, like say little boys whose names happen to be on the no-fly list.

But that’s the thing – it’s an irritation.  The truth is that we really don’t know how to fully prevent terrorists cause they tend to change their strategies like the little sneaks they are, but people want you to do something, so you do what you know.  And it bugs people.  But it has yet, to my knowledge, caused anyone to say starve to death or go without medical care.

Whoops, did I forget Alyssa?  God forbid.  Now I don’t blame her for being ticked that someone took her special milk.  I mean, she pumped that stuff from her own bod, and it was for her bay-bee and they just, like took it.  That bites.  I could see writing a nasty letter to the airport.  Or griping about it to friends.  Starting a twitter campaign that is then picked up by SEVERAL media outlets . . . not so much.

It's only a matter of time before baby is on twitter too.

It’s only a matter of time before baby is on twitter too.

My friends and I pondered in our hearts about Alyssa’s problem.  First off, we admitted that we had no idea she even had a baby – talk about OUT OF THE LOOP.   We worried for poor Alyssa’s baby.  It’s not like Alyssa can make more of that stuff, like it just comes right out of her boobs or . . . wait.  But that’s not the point.  The point is that Alyssa Milano’s breast milk is a special commodity, probably made from sparkly unicorn dust.  Which means they likely didn’t use it as creamer in the tea or coffee they offer.  I bet they sold it on Ebay!  You know someone would buy it.  But only with a certificate of authenticity.  When you buy actress breastmilk, you want to make sure it’s gonna make your baby spoiled, entitled, and rich.  What if, say, you got Lady Gaga’s milk instead?  I shudder to think of it.

Here’s a snippet from an actual article from USA Today:

The actress, who is mom to son Milo Thomas, 3, and 7-month-old daughter Elizabella Dylan, tweeted that 10 ounces of her breast milk had been confiscated. “Gone,” she said. “Not okay.”

And even worse, apparently it was thrown away.

OMG the HORROR.  So they didn’t sell it on Ebay.  What a waste.  Poor Elizabella.  She’s already confused about her name, now her food’s gone.  Another article stated:

Alyssa Milano: The airport took my breast milk.

Am I the only one who thought of that movie line?  Dingos ate mah ba-by!  Now that’s some news right there.  If dingos got Alyssa’s baby, I would be very concerned.  Especially if she was on an airline at the time.  Maybe the airports should stop playing with breast milk, and start keeping an eye out for dingos.

Cause you just never know what could be the next trending news.

 

 

The News According to Facebook

Before I start this post, I’d just like to say this new editor sucks. Seriously sucks.  And now I can’t find where to go back to the old one anymore.  WordPress, you suck. Where the hell is the old editor?  If I see one more boop beep bop I’m gonna blow.

Okay, done – for now, saying this post even posts since it’s on this new stupid editor arghhhhhhhh.

Okay, so I don’t watch the news much because it is really depressing and stupid, and I get enough of that in real life.  Also in fiction, seeing as authors, even kid authors, have decided to kill off main plot characters for funsies.  Like, what the hell is that about authors?  It’s not dramatic, it’s just being a jerk to your readers.  I mean, sure, you gotta kill a few off but that’s what red shirts are for – you know, the guys on Star Trek that they took down on the away teams to alien planets who were not listed in the opening credits so you knew they were gonna die?  Put in more of those guys.  Fiction is for escape, not further punishment.  Make a note.  Try something funny for once, for God’s sake.

Yes, I own this shirt.

Yes, I own this shirt.

But back to the news, right, that’s what I was talking about.  Because it’s way weirder than any fiction.

I only see news on Facebook since I’m on there chatting with people.  Suffice it to say, it’s an even weirder way to get news since I”m only getting what Facebook considers trending news.  It might be as bad as what Fox News considers trending.  Speaking of Fox, number one trending news item today (I swear I’m not making up the order or anything here):

Facebook news, now with more Cookie Monster

Facebook news, now with more Cookie Monster

Rand Paul: Kentucky senator formally announces 2016 Presidential Run.

– Oh, goody.  Is there some way I can just take a sleeping pill and wake up when the election is over?  Cause it’s already getting painful.  By the way, it’s Rand, not Ron his dad, though both are Libertarians disguised as Republicans and as we all know the Libertarian party is best represented by a unicorn, according to my other news source, blogger List of X.  Still, he’s a better choice than Cruz who has a Hispanic name so boo-yah, the Repubs have a ethnic!  Just kidding, he’s white.

Elmwood Park, New Jersey: 100 year old man killed wife with an ax in murder – suicide, officials say.

– Is it wrong that the first thing I thought of upon reading this headline was – wow, he can swing an ax at 100?  That’s pretty darn impressive.

Burger King: Company to pay for wedding of man named Burger and woman named King.

– Yeah, really, this is what came after the murder-suicide.  I wonder if the wedding will be catered with burgers and fries and officiated by that creepy Burger King mascot.  I would love to go to that wedding.

I now pronounce you Burger and King - may I tickle the bride?

I’m available for baptisms too!

Sebastian Inlet State Park: Photo purportedly shows bobcat dragging shark on Florida beach

No word on whether the bobcat is planning on a 2016 presidential run, but he has my vote.

And finally . . .

Marilyn Manson Musician reportedly hit in face after argument at Denny’s.

What happens at Denny’s, stays at Denny’s.  Unless you are Marilyn Manson, who may also be planning a 2016 Presidential run.  I wonder if he ordered the Grand Slam?

Okay enough news for today!  Got any good stories of your own?  Or a way out of this BLASTED EDITOR?  Where’s a good bobcat when you need one?

A Tent in the Desert

For a long time now, I’ve felt like I was struggling to get through a desert.  Choking on dust, slogging through sand, extreme heat and cold, walking into cacti (I’d probably do this in a real desert), falling into craters, running scared from those creepy sand worm things you see in the movies.  It’s not real.  I know it’s not real, it’s not even logical, but it’s there.  I’ve made this trip every day for over a year.  Three hospital visits, dozens of drugs, tons of time missed from work – I’ve had respites, mirages that seemed so real.  But I always return to this damn desert.

Texas desert.

Texas desert.  Only 1,000 miles to the next town.

I’ve run a long time.  Sometimes it’s from the anxiety causing (I’ll say) sand worms.  Other times it’s running toward something – the cure.  Surely there is some pill, some treatment, something, that is going to cure me and make me all better and normal and functional.  I run and run and run.  Until I can’t run any longer.  I look back, but it’s too far to go back from where I’ve come.  If all stays as it is, if I continue to run, continue to fear, continue to tell myself “Once x happens, then y= HAPPY”, I’m not going to get anywhere.  Already I’ve collapsed several times from exhaustion, ready to just lay down and give up on the desert sand.

Obviously all this mental desert time has caused problems in my “real” life with my husband, my kids, my work, my health (nutrition is pop-tarts right?), my cluttered, sometimes disgusting house (Let’s play what’s that smell today), my finances, and on and on.  And I’ve tried to solve these.  Or hoped that a new med or therapy would give me the ability to solve them.  ALL OF THEM.  As Allie Brosh, author of the blog Hyperbole and a Half and a fellow sufferer, would say “CLEAN ALL THE THINGS”.

It doesn’t work.  It’s too much pressure.  You will drown.  Even in the desert.

So I told my therapist about the desert.  And she said something simple.  “Build a tent.”

My tent. What?

My tent. What?

Don’t focus on “cures”.  Don’t focus on what’s behind you.  Don’t focus on what’s ahead.  Just keep hanging in there – exactly where you are right now.  Use whatever “coping” mechanisms you can, and I don’t just mean “deep belly breathing” or making gratitude lists (Thank you so bloody much for depression.)   No, use YOUR coping mechanisms, anything that makes you able to make it through another hour.  Some of mine are getting away somewhere that I can cry alone (especially while trying to tolerate work) hot cocoa (it soothes my nerves), soft socks and this sweater / throw rug my friend gave me.  And my Things of course, they are my two favorite things.

So I’ve stopped.  I have my tent, and my goodies, and I sit and I peek out occasionally.  I am counting down the days (three weeks now) until I can visit a shrink who is not a total jackass.  I’ve gotten a small increase on one of my meds from his nurse who is not a jackass.  I’ve missed work, gotten time without pay, and gone home and napped.  I missed half a day today, and woke up depressed.  Sleeping that much is not a good coping skill.  Naps are good.  Hours and hours, which leads to hours and hours up at night watching Lifetime and infomercials (I can lose 80 pounds without exercise if only I do extreme damage to that heart thingy!), is not good.  I need good sleep.  Without it, even the tent shakes.

So I just have to focus on day by day.  I hope I can stay at work, because being at home is not much better.  If anyone has tips for handling depression at work that do not have to do with breathing (trust me, I’ve heard it), please feel free to offer them.  I thought a lot about just quitting, but realizing today how bored and sad I get at home (especially whilst playing the “what’s that smell” game), I know I need my job, and for more than just the income.  I also need to know what I want.  If I sit in the tent instead of constantly racing and racing, my counselor says it will come to me.

What do I want – in work, with my husband, with my kids, with family, with my house, with my life.  What do I really want?  I don’t know right now because I am too blinded by everything else, all the hurry and worry and sad and sick.  If I can just sit in my tent, can I just sit and thinks?  What do I want (besides getting well).  I hope I can find it.  But I can’t rush it.  The knowledge of what Alice really wants will only come when I stop looking.

So I have to stop.  Take comfort in the tent.  Survive.  And listen to that voice in my head.  Not the mean, depressive one.

The one that belongs to Alice.

Merbear’s Beatle Contest with Twilight, Beatles, and Baby Sun

I told you guys earlier about a contest where you could win a book personally touched by Merbear – or possibly licked, I’m not sure.  I should check that out cause it totally affects the value.  Anyhoo, it’s a Beatles book and you want to win it because WIN.

This book is chock full of info about the Beatles like why they chose the name "beatles" and not say "spiders" or "caterpillars".

This book is chock full of info about the Beatles like why they chose the name “beatles” and not say “spiders” or “caterpillars”.

I will give you guys a chance though you really don’t have one.  Not with this incredible entry.  Observe and be amazed.

I chose the song “Good Day Sunshine” cause that sounded easy challenging.  Here are the lyrics, and they are awesome, cause Beatles:

Good day sunshine,
Good day sunshine,
Good day sunshine.
I need to laugh, and when the sun is out
I’ve got something I can laugh about,
I feel good, in a special way.
I’m in love and it’s a sunny day.

 

It is summer, and we are all on drugs, that's how we picked out swimsuits out la la

It is summer, and we are all on drugs, that’s how we picked our swimsuits out la la

Okay, so I was thinking, sunshine, good day.  What am I gonna do with THAT?  I mean, am I a wizard or what?  Then I realized – hey I could draw a sun.  Like totally.  And it mentions LOVE and no one emphasizes LOVE like those jerkwads on Twilight, and also, if there was sun, then Eddie would sparkle,which would be even better.  And then I would put the Beatles in the sun because if they can hang out with Lucy in the sky with diamonds, why not inside a blazing sun?

Ta-Da!

Ta-Da!

I know, it’s so impressive you can hardly tear your eyes away.  Note how I not only added sparkles and a giant flower, but there’s also a tiny yellow submarine.  GET IT?  I’m a gonna sit back now and bask in the awesomeness.  Good day, maybe sunshine, even if my car smelled like wet dog this morning.

Alice

TEXAS!

The other day I was talkin’ with one of my Yankee friends (that’s Southern for Northerners) and she had never heard of the chain of stores called Hastings.  I thought everyone had.  Then it occurred to me that not everyone was Southern, and even more bizarre, not everyone was from TEXAS since as most of you know we are the capital of the United States.  Or our own country.  We can’t decide.  There’s been six flags over us, and we’re ready to add more.

A "don't litter" slogan with more than one meaning.

A “don’t litter” slogan with more than one meaning.

So this morning I thought of a list of stuff that I think is relatively unique to the South, or at least to Texas since that’s the only Southern state I’ve lived in (it’s the only state I’ve lived in, but nevermind).  Yeah, Texas gets a lot of flack, but that is why we have Mississippi and Alabama, to make us look good.  (Sorry people in Mississippi and Alabama – I know there are some hold-outs there that are not, in fact, Gator hunters).

So here’s my list so far.  If you know what I’m talking about here, let me know in the comments.

Do you know what this is?  If not you aren't Amer-i-can!

Do you know what this is? If not you aren’t Amer-i-can!

TEXAS!!!

Cotton-Eyed Joe – and the dance that goes with it

Pick-up Trucks – almost everyone has one and most of them have never hauled ANYTHING.

Boots n’ Jeans – most of the people in boots have never been on a ranch like ever.

Guns, Guns, Guns – fun bumper sticker: “You can take my guns bullets first.”

We make 'em for gals too!

We make ’em for gals too!

People who still wave the Confederate flag

Soft drinks are Coke whether they are Sprite, Pepsi, Mountain Dew, or actual Coke.

Rednecks

Six Flags Over Texas  – Do you know what they are?  Besides a theme park.  Yes it’s a theme park.

Cadillac Ranch – not an actual ranch but there are planted Cadillacs.  Really.

Church on Wednesday night and twice on Sunday (plus other Bible studies too!)

Chicken-fried Steak (this is the best food evah)

Texas is still the biggest state because Alaska is mostly ice.

Did we mention we're big?

Did we mention we’re big?

Smack in the middle of this conservative state is a capital so liberal even I think they’re weird.

“Texas” the musical, which is totally not a rip-off of “Oklahoma” the musical.

Tumbleweeds

FOOTBALL is the only sport.

Dust Bowl – it’s not just for The Great Depression anymore!

The Panhandle – notice how the top of the state is like a handle to a really messed up pot?

Palo Duro Canyon – it’s a big hole, but it’s OUR big hole.

Mexicans are considered a minority despite being a majority.

We can secede at any time, watch us.  No really, we’re gonna.  Hey, guys, we’re leaving!  Um, guys?

Every small child wishes they lived in Oklahoma when it’s time to draw the state.  Really, who thought up those borders?

Long, long stretches of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

We don't let signs get in OUR way.

We don’t let signs get in OUR way.

Okay, so that’s what I’ve got for now.  I’m sure I’ll think up other things – and you can TOO though it won’t be as good if you are not from TEXAS.  Sorry.

Also a shout-out to my buddy Merbear who is having a contest where you can win a Beatles book that was touched by her hands and everything and you should really want it.  It’s easy, you just take a song lyric and do something with it, like draw something lame in Paint.  If you’re me, that is.  You really don’t want me to win this by default, because I will still rub it in everyone’s face. Cause Texas.

Alice

Angsty Songs: Grenade!

Song go BOOM!

Song go BOOM!

It’s been just ages since I wrote one of these song reviews.  Heck, it’s been ages since I wrote a post.  But the other day I was just INSPIRED to write when I heard this awesome song by Bruno Mars.  It’s called “Grenade” so I knew that obviously it had to be a love song and IT IS!  Check out these lyrics:

Should’ve known you was trouble
From the first kiss
Had your eyes wide open
Why were they open?

Um, I dunno, Bruno?  So she could get better aim?  Cause she had something in her eye?  Also, how do you know her eyes were open unless yours were open, which means you’re doing the same thing, ie not closing your eyes while kissing.  Is this a requirement?  I guess so since it’s the gal who is clearly the trouble here as you’ll soon see.

Hint: these two should keep eyes open cause they really don't know what they are doing.

Hint: these two should keep eyes open cause Eddie is clearly aiming for her nose.

Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
‘Cause what you don’t understand is…

Just give me all your love, that’s all I ask!  And by all your love it’s not like I’m talking anything crazy, like being willing to die for me by various methods.  I mean, tossing love in the trash, that’s just mean, girl, cause look at what he’s willing to do for you!  Just wait!

Hey who threw all this LOVE in the trash?  Gross!

Hey who threw all this LOVE in the trash? Gross!

I’d catch a grenade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)

Well, uh, that’s nice.  Saying we were in some baseball game where live explosives were used, I guess any girl would be grateful not to be the catcher.  Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Throw my hand on a blade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)

So you’re – just throwing your hand on a blade?  For me?  Gosh that’s – not frightening at all!  That is the most romantical thing ever!  I’m a hidin’ the silverware, though.  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I’d jump in front of a train for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)

Okay, Bruno, dude, I really can’t see any reason why you would need to jump in front of a train for someone unless you have sparkly vampire powers and can make it all go crunch with your body.  I’m pretty sure it’s the opposite thing that will happen here.  As in Bruno go crunch. Yeah yeah, REALLY yeah.

Bruno, look OUT!

Bruno, look OUT!

Oh, I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain

That’s . . . awesome.  Grenades, blades, trains, now a gun!  Maybe we should not let Bruno around any weapons or methods of transportation.  He seems just a tad unstable.  Even more unsettling about this line is that the first time I heard it sung it was by a three-year-old on Ellen.  No, seriously.  And she gave him lots of toys for it cause it was so GOSH DARN CUTE.  “Take a buwwet thwu my bwain fer youuuu.” he sings with passion and I am not at all worried.

Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won’t do the same

I understand your sentiment, Bruno.  I mean, Romeo and Juliet died for each other and they were like fourteen so clearly they should be imitated.  Also, if you’re both willing to die for the other one, and you both die, this romance is gonna be one bloody mess.  And by bloody mess I mean literal bloody mess.  But golly, true love!

Black, black, black and blue
Beat me ’til I’m numb
Tell the devil I said “Hey” when you get back to where you’re from
Mad woman, bad woman
That’s just what you are
Yeah, you’ll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car

Boys and girls can we say pro-jec-tion?  This mad, bad devil woman is beating this guy black and blue and that’s just mean!  Also pointless since he seems willing to do all that stuff to himself already.  I do like how she’s willing to rip the brakes out of his car.  I think if this guy continued to follow me around, I might be tempted to do the same.  Especially if said guy was dragging a piano around behind him everywhere he goes.  Like in the video.  No, really, check it out.

Why is he dragging the piano?????

If my body was on fire
Oh, you’d watch me burn down in flames
You said you loved me, you’re a liar
‘Cause you never, ever, ever did, baby

Okay, now we can’t even let him around matches.  Good grief, this reads more like one of those Weird Al videos where he starts out normal broken-hearted and then starts diving into pools of razor blades and burning down malt shops.  Like this video of Al’s, that looks plain old normal compared to Bruno’s.  Note the absence of pianos.

Now I know partly why this song is so popular.  It has a good beat and the artist is pretty good looking.  But I’d still stay the heck away until he sees a counselor and finds some meds stat.  Luckily, there are some great parodies of this song, like this one from Key of Awesome.  My favorite part is when she makes him go to Target and watch Lifetime with her and he’s willing to pick up the cleaver again.

Just to make things a little easier for Bruno, and others like him, I’ve compiled a quickie list of what are normal romantic gestures and what are NOT normal romantic gestures.

1. Jump out of a plane with no parachute.   NOT NORMAL

2. Cut off a body part.  NOT NORMAL

3. Give her chocolates.  NORMAL (unless they are poisoned)

4. Play with napalm.  NOT NORMAL

5. Take her to a nice restaurant.  NORMAL

6. Run naked over a patch of hot coals in the middle of the park.  NOT NORMAL

7. Stalk her.  NOT NORMAL (I don’t care if Edward does it!)

8. Sit through an entire Cinderella movie with her.  NORMAL (It’s not that hard!)

9. Call her constantly with this song playing in the background.  NOT NORMAL

10. Write her a love poem.  NORMAL (unless it mentions any of the above NOT NORMAL things)

Try not to follow these idiots either.

Try not to follow these idiots either.

See, romance doesn’t have to be so hard!  I’m pretty sure most women would be willing to go out with you without you threatening constant physical harm to yourself.  Most women aren’t into that, and if they are, you really don’t want to go out with them.  Note to Bruno: The mental hospital is not a good place to pick up potential romantic partners.

Okay, so, saying anyone’s still here, what do you think of Bruno’s song?  Please respond because you know I’d do anything for you.  I’ve got the grenades here to PROVE IT!

Alice

Alicerella

I know I still have like a week of that gratitude stuff left (21 days is supposed to be how long it takes to form a habit, but I do several at once and skip weeks so I’m thinking it’s not going to have the proper effects) but I’d rather talk about Cinderella because I can.

Did you notice how awesome my dress was?  Wheeee!

Did you notice how awesome my dress was? Wheeee!

OMGORSH guys, I got to see a movie in the theater for the first time since the last Harry Potter movie came out and my husband had to see it on opening day for some reason so I needed to see this one on opening day because it wasn’t just Cinderella there was also a Frozen short before it that was going to be super cute and FROZEN so it was important to go on opening day.

The short was fun.  Elsa plans a party for Anna but she gets a cold and snorts out snow boogers all over the place.  No, really, that’s what happens.  When I first saw the picture for the short, I was afraid that the snowman had somehow reproduced and I was really, really scared, but snow boogers are not so bad.  I do have to wonder what would happen if Elsa had the stomach flu, or God forbid, Montezuma’s revenge.  Lots of dirty slush?  In other words, a typical day in New York?

WHOA, BOOGERS!

WHOA, BOOGERS!

But that was just a short (that produced more dolls in new outfits surprise shocker!).  The main attraction was the live-action version of Cinderella.  I wasn’t sure what to expect, having not been that impressed with Maleficent for reasons I’ll tell you in another review.  I will say that Angelina Jolie makes a good evil fairy, but that’s not necessarily a compliment.  I would have preferred her in greenish skin. More authentic plus entertaining.

Cinderella surpassed my expectations, which were pretty low, but I figured the guy was cute and ooh pretty dresses plus Helena Bonham Carter playing a quirky fairy godmother which is very different from when she played the quirky insane Bellatrix from Harry Potter, though they both had similar wands.  Part me wanted her to just go completely insane and start transforming the entire place.  Like if she could make a lizard into a footman (whatever that is) then why not make Cinderella into a lizard?  Why?  Because lizards can’t wear dresses, stupid, and the dress is where it’s at.

Helena still has them crazy eyes!

Helena still has them crazy eyes!

But there’s stuff before all of that.  Like for instance you see her mother before she goes six feet under.  Yeah, really!  And her father too.  They are really great actors and it makes you all teary even if they did seem to be just a touch too whimsical and perfect before they were axed.  But then comes the evil stepmother, and may I say, I like her evil.  Also the stepsisters and their constant ripping out of each others’ hair.  They treat Ella (who one of the sisters nicknames Cinderella in a random fit of brilliance) like crap and they all cackle like freaks.  You might think this is unrealistic if you haven’t been around real awful people; but I can assure you, they are spot on.

Cinderella is sentenced to live in the attic, but it’s far away from them, so she’s actually pretty happy about it.  I love when people try to be nasty and it just makes the victim happier.  Like when my Evil Dead Alien Soul Boss had me go shelf read books for hours and I would just sit there and daydream while the others did all the real work.  As you can see, I identified a bit with poor Cinderella.  I’ve had to put up with crap.  I mean, my parents had me do chores, and I had an older brother who hung me from basketball goals (okay at my request but still who listens to a six-year-old?) and every little girl at least once pretends to be Cinderella if only to make people feel sorry for her and give her nice shoes.

Okay, which one of you stole my slippers?

Okay, which one of you stole my slippers?

The shoes are one of the better jokes (both Cindy and the prince are like wtf glass?) but as it turns out, they are really quite comfortable.  Must be those Dr. Scholl’s insoles.  Cindy be gellin’.  I hate to give it away (SPOILERS ZOMG) but she does get to go to the ball in this freaking awesome carriage that I totally want for my very own.  I would be stylin’ in the parking lot at work.  She also has this incredible dress and he looks pretty hot too (and there’s a personality in that hotness!) and it’s fun to watch them dance around although my husband decided he needed to get up for what was apparently a 45 minute bathroom break spent playing with the claw machines.  I can’t BELIEVE he got bored with this movie and was dumb enough to act on it.  He did win a tablet, but trust me men, it’s not worth it because I am not forgetting about this ANY TIME SOON.

I looked a bit like the doll from the movie at this point.  Pissed.

I looked a bit like the doll from the movie at this point. Ticked. (I’m getting her anyway cause awesome clothes woot!)

Wait, I got off track a bit.   Let’s see, you might be wondering about the mice.  No, they don’t talk, thank goodness.  She does handle them an awful lot, which makes me think she’s a plague victim ready to happen, but it turns out okay. And oh yeah, the ball!  That was fun, and then there’s a great scene where Cinderella asks her stepmother “Why are you so cruel?”  And she answers “Because you’re so innocent, and good, and I’m . . .” Let’s fill in the blanks people!  Starts with b, rhymes with itch!  I kid, but this is the honest truth.  If someone bullies you, that’s usually why.  Because they are pathetic, wretched little people underneath all their glamour.

I'm going to chop you up and eat you because I LOVE YOU.

I’m going to chop you up and eat you because I LOVE YOU.

And that’s what strikes me most about this movie.  Unlike popular sentiment, this is not an anti-feminist movie.  She doesn’t need the prince to save her – his love is her reward for putting up with cruelty with hard work, dignity, and honor.  She does her chores but she does not stoop to their level.  And she doesn’t sit around the house because she is waiting for rescue.  It’s her bloody house, and she doesn’t want to lose it.  So she works hard, and she keeps the memories of her good times, something they can never take from her, inside.  Her mother, before her death, tells her to “Have courage.  And be kind.  There is magic in kindness.”  And so there is.

21 Days of Gratitude: I’m too sexy

We are now on week 3 of the Gratitude Challenge.  Let me say I am grateful to have just one more week of this fun, fun game.

Day 15:  Take time to focus on yourself.  Appreciate and give thanks for for your unique personality, skills and talents.

The blogger creed.

The blogger creed.

I’m pretty sure I’ve got focusing on myself down pretty well.  It’s called a blog, peeps.  I have been told I have a unique personality (nice way of saying good golly, Alice, you’re weird), and mad skillz (I wroted this here post all by myself!), and talents, so many talents.  Once the Things and I put a smurf through the scientific method – a plastic one, not a real one.  Anyway, we now know that smurfs can’t be destroyed by running them over by a car, freezing them in water, or boiling them in water.  If that’s not sciency talent, I don’t know what is.

Day 16: Stand in front of the mirror for five minutes and focus on at least five things that you love about yourself. Write them down in your journal.

If I sit here long enough I will become a frog princess.

Wait, is that another wart?

They’re kidding right?  Since I’m in front of a mirror, I guess I’m supposed to talk about physical stuff.  Okay, five things.

1. I was going to say I was too sexy for my cat, but I think the outdoor kitty Hazel has me beat.  She can slink around and twist into all sorts of shapes I can’t, just like real models.  I can say I’m too sexy for your party, cause no way am I disco dancing.

2. I do not have a hunchback like Quasi.  I can stand upright.  Most of the time.  Sometimes you have to lean me against a wall.

3. I have fair skin.  People have told me I am the whitest person they know.  Talk about a compliment!

4. The lines on my forehead and the faint mustache are probably not visible to people who aren’t looking at me from a few inches away.

5. I am grateful that my head faces forward instead of backward.  I’m not keen on looking at my behind all day.

Poor demented Anna.

Poor Demented Anna.

Day 17: Write about something you feel grateful for in your life today

I am grateful that someone out there is probably reading this.  Thanks, spambot and sexy cat!

Okay only 4 more to go!  Woot.

Alice

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