Disney Hunger Games Begin! Finally!

So I don’t know if you remember, but the Things and I were working on the first annual Disney Hunger Games.  My original hope was that if this took off we could then put actual Disney Channel actors into the games and have them fight it out.  Oh I wouldn’t kill them, just mess up their overcaked makeup a little and see how fast they can run in those spike heels that every kid naturally wears to real high school.  Anyhoo – if you’re interested in seeing how all this started, here’s a link (LINK DROP) to the beginning of this fabulous idea that any day now Disney, or probably one of their enemies, is going to pay me big money to produce for them.

Like many great endeavors, at least mine, this one has not taken off due to us being very busy what with starting school, sharing germs, randomly scanning the internet, staring into space, and whining that it is too hot to take the dolls outside.  But I will say that we did at least get the first day of the games completed, and those pictures have been patiently waiting on my computer to see the light of day.  This is some great stuff people, better than all that gossip about that reality show about the family with 27 kids who shockingly are not quite as religious as they said they were.

So here we go.  Day one.  The contestants are gathered in the arena!  It might resemble a trampoline, but don’t be fooled by our small budget.  It’s an arena.  Whoever guesses what we used for the Cornucopia (where the contestants fight to the death for swords and backpacks and stuff) gets a gold star.

Our happy contestants

Our happy contestants

Let the games begin!  We will see what their beginning strategies are – will they go for the weapons, Target back packs, gum, etc?  Or will they head for the hills in terror?

The cornucopia containing fabulous prizes!

The cornucopia containing fabulous prizes!

This is much like the Price is Right, if on the Price is Right the contestants had to bid on the Showcase Showdown while under enemy fire.  A show of hands for everyone who thinks that would make an awesome game show!

The timer goes off, and there are heroes go – many off into the forest in a panic.  Ain’t nothin’ worth an arrow, not even the bag of Doritos.  But a few brave souls ventured toward the cornucopia, including Mulan, Li Shang, Merida, the triplets, Beast, and probably a couple others we don’t remember.  Aladdin and Flynn wisely sent their animal companions.  Prince Phillip, another of the few princes who actually, at one time anyway, came equipped with a sword, had to first take Aurora out of harm’s way, because she had once again fallen asleep.

This really isn't a good time, honey!

This really isn’t a good time, honey!

Unfortunately, we weren’t able to get all the footage due to an unfortunate computer SD card incident.  No I do not have a fancy smancy smart phone that does awesome pictures just like that.  If you would like to send me one, email me at aliceisatwonderland@hotmail.com and I’ll happily give you my address.  Thank you.

There were pictures, no really, of all the awesome weapons including a bow and arrow, a mace, an axe (all from a Singing Merida playset – no seriously, all were accessories.  Best girl doll ever.), a sword, a lightsaber, some armor, and various other crap we could fit in the hamster playground er Cornucopia!  Which is not at all like a horn of plenty, unless said horn was packed with weapons, which would have made for a more interesting Thanksgiving story.

There were also awesome fighting pictures, but things got a little blurry.  Merida fired an arrow into John Smith’s behind, and Mulan kicked Phillip right in the family jewels.  It was fantastic, I mean horrific mass hysteria.  Here is one preserved shot.

Oh the horror, the horror.

Oh the horror, the horror.

Sadly, we also had our first deaths.  First was Tinkerbell, knocked down hard when Beast muttered that he did not believe in fairies.  And then Peter Pan tried to take revenge, but due to his current tiny size, he was accidentally stepped on by the Beast.  The beast felt kind of bad about it.  But then came the worst, most gruesome, death of the day.

Snow White, attracted by the shiny apple in the cornucopia, picked up a bow that was in the way.  And then the Brave triplets arrived.

snow in cornucopia

Snow: Oooh shiny. Shiny, shiny! (Note Abu, Meeko, and a couple of forest animals taking some of the haul)

A bow and arrows! Neato!

A bow and arrows! Neato!

The wee little devil triplets wanted that bow for their sister.

The wee little devil triplets wanted that bow for their sister.

Not sure which is creepier - that they cut off her head, or their innocent looks while doing so.

Not sure which is creepier – that they cut off her head, or their innocent looks while doing so.

That’s right, we’ve gone hard core and it’s gonna be tough to swing that G rating now, but if Hunchback of Notre Dame could do it, there’s hope.  There were some injuries as well.  Aladdin was hurt by friendly fire when Abu turned rabid and gave him a big love bite.  Will our favorite street rat survive?

Here’s where you guys come in!  In the story, fans were able to give their favorite contestants stuff to help them – like water, soup, burn cream, and anti-monkey venom.  If you want to help them in some way, just write it in the comments.  And please remember to think on poor Peter Pan, Tinkerbell, and Snow White, who gave their lives for a pointless game that I just made up.

Any ideas for next time?  Let us know in the comments below!

The Circle of Cat Life

My family has been recently adopted by two stray cats.  It started with one (it always starts with just one), a lovely Calico who we think was abandoned by her family since she came to us so well groomed.  Or maybe she still has the family, and she just keeps getting hand-outs from everyone (cats abuse the system too, guyz) but she’s fairly thin, so maybe not.  That’s what I tell myself, because there’s nothing worse than being conned by a freaking cat.  Except maybe being conned by two freaking cats.

But look how adorable I ammmm!

But look how adorable I ammmm!

Thing Two named the Calico Hazel and gave me those big sad eyes that orphans do in Oliver Twist.  Since she was able to talk, she’s wanted a pet, so thus the circle of life continues and I am paying with major karma for my years of begging for a cat as a kid.  The fact that my mother was terribly allergic to them came secondary in my child mind to “I want a cat.”  It pretty much works the same with Thing Two.  So we figured we’d have an outdoor kitty, and bought cheap cat food at the evil Wal-Mart and bang, we had a cat.  Thing Two likes to pick Hazel up and get her to make cat noises like one of those cow toys that moo when you tip them over.  Hazel puts up with this because you can’t beat free food.

All was well until word got out in the cat world of our gullibility and another cat showed up.  She was pretty, and unlike Hazel who pretty much just meows (translation: I will take my food now, puny human), she had the added gift of constantly rubbing up against your legs and staring up at you with puppy eyes, and then rubbing up against you again.  You can’t get away, she just follows you and loves you.  To death.  This was great for the girls, but not so great for me as I am now allergic to cats, and lots of cat hair on my clothes does not appeal to me.  I couldn’t figure out why the new cat, named Willow by Thing Two, kept coming back.

Most likely.

“I mean we don’t feed her,” I said to the girls.

Thing One: Well sometimes I give her a little handful.  She’s nursing kittens!

Thing Two: I give her food when I give Hazel food.

Mystery solved there.

Anyhoo, all this reminded me of the cats I had when I was newly married.  Since my mean-o parents would not let me have one, I got one myself.  She was one of my mother-in-law’s kittens, a cute Siamese I named Keiko because it was the only Asian-ish name I knew.   I have over 500 posts (mostly about a series of idiotic books and other random topics like boogers) so I couldn’t remember if I had told you guys about my cats yet.  So I did one of those searches on my blog and came up with this post about Barbie that mentions cats exactly once.

It is okay to put cats in the washer, right?

It is okay to put cats in the washer, right?

Then I realized that hey, if I don’t remember what I’ve written about, chances are you don’t either.  So I’m going to tell you about my cats, okay?  Because no one gets tired of hearing about someone’s cats.  I know I don’t.  I love seeing cat and dog pictures on the phones of my coworkers.  I don’t have pictures like that, because I just have a turtle, some fish, and children.  And who is interested in that stuff?

Anyway, my kitten was so adorable, and would lay back lazily in my arms like a baby.  I thought then it was because she loved me, but now I firmly believe the cat’s insides were made of some kind of gelatinous material.  She spent a great deal of time draped across furniture like a throw.  When she wasn’t leaping out of trees scaring the crap out of my mother when she came to visit.  Or licking her toes.  Because cats know when you don’t like them, and they zone in on that.

Keiko gelatinous cat syndrome.

Keiko gelatinous cat syndrome.

But both my husband and I worked, so I decided to get another kitten from the shelter (it always starts with one, remember?) to keep Keiko company.  She was gray and cute, with a nose that was half gray and half pink.  I didn’t realize this kitten came with PTSD, which wasn’t helped by her adopted sister’s tendency to hold her in a head lock and thump her repeatedly in the head.  My husband decided she could be his cat, and named her Sylvia because she was kind of silver.  Looking back, I think Rosemary’s cat would have been better.  Because this cat was always a bit off.  She feared everything, especially strangers of any kind, and darted out of the room at first sight.  So most people only saw a gray flash of her.  She hid under the bed in this bit of fabric that was torn loose.  This made a great hammock when she was a kitten, but not so great when she was a nine-pound cat.

Things only got worse when I got pregnant with an actual baby, and could no longer clean out the litter box for fear of that cat poop disease that can be bad for babies and all.  Since my husband wasn’t super big on cleaning it either, we let the cats hang with my mother-in-law for an extended vacation.  This suited Keiko, because she had no loyalty whatsoever and was fine as long as someone fed and worshiped her.  It didn’t quite suit Sylvia, who came back to us an even bigger nervous wreck.  I suppose I should not be surprised, given the mental illness in my family, that I would get a cat with issues too.  But man, this cat had them in spades.

I see dead people.

She would come up to us in the middle of the night and meow, but not just any meow, a frantic repetitive one like this “Meowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeow.”  And then she’d look at you with these deranged eyes, as if she’d just been through one of those war movies and lost all her comrades in grenade explosions.  We started to let the cats go outside, which again made no difference to Keiko, but caused Sylvia serious panic attacks.  She didn’t want to go out.  But then she didn’t want to come in, either.  Because there were invisible elves out to torture her . . . or something.  And they lived indoors and out.  Even my husband one day said “That cat is seriously psycho.”

We were both sleep deprived from the new baby (no doubt yet another source of stress for Sylvia.  Keiko again didn’t care because she was still fed.) and not quite equipped to handle special needs.  Or even their basic needs because we were going through our own PTSD – infant PTSD.  So we put an add in the paper and found new homes for the cats.  Keiko went to a nice old man in a wheelchair which was perfect because she could be a rug for his legs.  And Sylvia went to a guy with a nice big farm.  She ran from him and I had to yank her out from under the bed, claws extended, writhing and twisting and hissing.  And he still took her.  I can only imagine what happened to her on that farm.  Maybe she went to the corner of a barn and had a kitty breakdown?  I don’t know.  But these days, I can relate a lot more to Sylvia.  Life is serious stuff, and sometimes you need to hide under the bed.  If only we could all be Keikos.

I'm comin' to join ya, Sylvia!

I’m comin’ to join ya, Sylvia!

Later on, I was allergy tested, and found out that I was now allergic to animal fur, along with pollen, mold, smoke, perfume, work, the sun, the moon, any deviation in my routine, and stupid people.  So basically everything.  The only thing I could really prevent was animal fur.  Even cute animal fur.  The cats try to sneak in but get caught and put back outside.  I will stand firm on that one.  No matter what sort of con they try on me.  Willow has this look that says, “Hello. Can you help keep cats like me off drugs and off the street?”  Needless to say, Hazel does not like her homing in, and peed all over the place as a way of saying “Get out.”  Willow hasn’t taken the hint, though she does back off from cat hisses.  She’s not throwing herself under a bus or anything.

So ends and begins my cat story.  Just remember, cats are just as messed up as humans, only more evil and crafty, so watch yourself.  And for goodness sake’s don’t feed them.  Or have children that feed them.

And never, ever let them get wet.

More Awesome (and Disturbing) Ebay Finds!

So I was scrolling through Ebay because there was housework to do and BORING when I came across some stuff you just really have to get!  I mean this stuff is just so . . . it’s just . . . wow.  Like better than someone’s plucked mustache remains wow.  Or a booger that is shaped just like the Virgin Mary wow.  Or . . . I’ll get to the ebay finds.

I didn’t find any boogers.  I didn’t look for any either.  But I DID find . . .

  1. Evil Fairy Godmother
Bippity Boppity I KILL YOUUU!

Bippity Boppity I KILL YOUUU!

Wow, you gotta love them camera angels.  This doll isn’t really that scary in real life.  I know because I have one, not the “new” Helena Bonham Carter sexy fairy godmother, but the bean bag fat bottomed fairy.  You know, cause when it comes to fairy godmothers, it’s all about da base.  But wow, maybe this person should have thought a little more before shooting this picture in the dark with that lightning cause she scares the crap out of me.  Please don’t fulfill any wishes, Satan – er Fairy Godmother!

2. Face Off Necklaces

Hey has anyone seen Cinderella I . . .arghhhh!

Hey has anyone seen Belle . . .arghhhh!

Yes, according to this, that is the face of Belle, though I’m not sure how you’d tell her face from any other severed doll face.  It kind of reminds me of that Oscar-Worthy Face-Off movie where John (wacky Scientologist) Travolta and Nicholas (just whack) Cage switch faces because . . . they had special effects?  I forget.  Anyway, I think this artist should move on and try to cash in on that movie with Nick Cage and Travolta necklaces because nothing would ward off evil fairy godmothers like a couple of those guys’ faces around your neck.  Just sayin’.

3. What’s that under your dress, Tiana?

That Alice is a real sicko.

That Alice is a real sicko.

Yes, yes, SEEMS like a normal doll.  AT FIRST.

OMG what genetic mutation is THIS? She's part frog! You just never know. Disney, you sickos.

OMG what genetic mutation is THIS?

So all this time Tiana’s been hiding a giant frog under her dress.  Why?  Or . . . or is that part of her body?  In case you missed the movie, or actually watched it and still missed half of it (like I did), Tiana turns into a frog along with her prince for a while and wacky hijinks ensue.  But then she becomes human at the end.  At least . . . we thought she did.  That must have been a weird wedding night.

4. And now for something normal . . . but stupid.

Hey that's a neat . . . Cinderella pin?

Hey that’s a neat . . . Cinderella pin?

No, the weird thing about this isn’t the price tag (though it does boggle my mind).  It’s not the pin either, even though it’s just a face with no body.  It’s more like the fact that the girl in question is not Cinderella.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I don’t expect everyone to know Disney like I obsessively do, but if you can’t figure out who this girl is, you might want to say, look at the title of the blog you’ve been reading.  Look familiar now?

Hint: It’s Alice in Wonderland!  Try doing some research Ebay person!  And that’s not all.  One more example.

Did Mulan just get a tan or did things seriously heat up in China?

Did Mulan just get a tan or did things seriously heat up in China?

This one is even less subtle, but to fill any of you non-Disney freaks in, Mulan is from China.  She wears a dress just like that.  But that’s not Mulan, it’s someone from Arabia.  That’s right, it’s Cinderella!  No, no, no it’s Princess Jasmine from Aladdin.  Mulan’s kinda paler, and has those slanted eyes, and is, you know, an entirely different ethnicity.  But hey, it’s tough enough to tell them apart when they’re white, am I right?

I have so many more to show, but I’ll keep it short so that I can milk one more post out of this save some fabulous stuff for next time!

5. Puppy abuse, princess style

Just kill me now.

Just kill me now.

I’m not going to make you guess which princess dress this is, because it’s not important.  Also it’s in the heading.  The most important thing is that this poor little pampered pet is being forced to wear a princess dress.  And just look at that pleading face!  I mean, the dog has a hard enough time hanging out with other dogs considering it looks like a rather large furry gerbil with ponytails.  Then you put the dress on her.  You’ve doomed your dog to getting her butt kicked on the playground.  If she’s lucky.  Shame on you, puppy parents.

Want to see more Ebay finds?  Especially ones that revolve around Disney since that’s what I search for a lot (be thankful I don’t search for boogers).  I thought so!  I will dig some more up from the dregs of Ebay, just for you guys!  Because that’s the kind of sharing Alice I am.  You’re welcome.

Cinderella Alice

Facebook News 3: Kermit and Miss Piggy Break Up

I was on Facebook, once again trying to stay away from anything remotely important or relevant to the universe, when up comes this on Facebook News.

Kermit the Frog: Muppet Announces Split With Partner Miss Piggy Tuesday

Kermit: Someone help me she watches me sleeep (photo stolen from Huffpo)

Kermit: Someone help me she breaks into my house and watches me sleeep!
(photo stolen from Huffpo)

OMG. First it was announced that Will Smith and his wife were breaking up and peeps were crying until Will said, “No we totally aren’t breaking up cause she’s my queen – that’s what you told me to say, right, honey?” – and then everything was well in the world again.  And then we hear about Muppets breaking up.  This was a huge surprise because I didn’t even know they had an actual relationship.  I sort of thought it was just light-hearted stalking and sexual harassment on the part of Miss Piggy since Kermit never did seem that interested in crossing the species boundary like she was.  Not with so many other frogs in the sea.

Yet here it is – the end of a couple / ongoing court case.  Some are speculating that this is a publicity stunt for their upcoming TV show.  I’m not sure why they’d make a TV show since most of the Muppet movies lately have bombed (Hint: do not use that guy from How I Met Your Mother in any movie.  He sucks.)  If they want success, they should just head back to Sesame Street.  Kermit could report the news like old times.  Maybe they’d find love again.  I hear Telly Monster (the one who used to be pathologically obsessed with television but that wasn’t cool since Sesame Street figured out they were a TV show, so now is pathologically obsessed with triangles) is single. So is Cookie Monster, though he might eat furniture.  Or possibly Miss Piggy herself, since he is branching out his diet.  And then there is Big Bird, but he still hasn’t been able to leave the nest, plus he has the mind of a six-year-old and imagined his friend so hard that everyone else got to see him too (Snuffaluffagus could be a candidate on the other hand).

Piggy and Kermit?  No beepin' wayyy bird!

Piggy and Kermit? No beepin’ wayyy bird!

You might be wondering why I am reporting on this news since it was announced yesterday already and everyone is is anyone already knew about it.  It certainly has nothing to do with me dragging my feet on my Disney Hunger Games story.  It really is happening – we have the gruesome pictures for you and everything (cleaned up for families cause this is Disney).  But there was the problem of bad lighting, leaves, and laziness.  Don’t you worry three or four fans of mine, you’ll soon see who gets axed – er – who bites the big one first.  You will also have the opportunity to send aid to your favorite characters, just like in the real Hunger Games.  You know like water, or forest animals, or an all powerful genie, whatever.  You just can’t miss this stuff!  Heck, maybe Miss Piggy will make an appearance.  You know what an attention hog she is.

Well that’s all I have for now.  Be sure to read the article – and the comments – on the Huffpo article I linked to because as usual, the comments section is more amusing than the article.  Especially the people who argue with people that Kermit and Piggy are Muppets and how stupid are they that they don’t realize this news is fake, huh?  Fat lot they know.  Kermit and Piggy are totally real.  I grew up with them on my television set.  Everything on television is real.

I feel like some bacon now.

Alice

Song of the South

Song, song of the South
Sweet potato pie and shut my mouth
Gone, gone with the wind
Ain’t nobody lookin’ back again . . .
       – “Song of the South” by Alabama

I remember back in grade school when we first discussed the Civil War.  It was simple.  North good.  South bad.  The South wanted slavery.  The North wanted to free the slaves.  They fought, the North won, the slaves were free, Lincoln was a hero – a dead hero, but a hero.  And the South was made to pay – and some counties in the deep South are still paying today.  War is rarely gracious to the loser.  Even those who were freed had no where to go.  It would be years later before they had a right to vote, and even longer before they had a right to an equal education and the same water fountain.  But that wasn’t really discussed so much back then.  Keep it simple for the kids.

Alexandria National Cemetery courtesy of www.nps.gov.   Confederate soldiers could not be buried in national cemeteries for many decades after the Civil War.

Alexandria National Cemetery courtesy of http://www.nps.gov.
Confederate soldiers could not be buried in national cemeteries for many decades after the Civil War.

But the thing is, it isn’t that simple.  No, I’m not going to wave a Confederate flag – those people make me want to throw up.  But we aren’t all morons, anymore than the North are saints.  Even way back then they weren’t saints.  Harriet Beecher Stowe, author of the revolutionary book “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” (please read the book and disregard any plays or movies made from it), pointed out that the North was as much at fault as the South.  Because even the most staunch abolitionists were more content to condemn the slave owners than actually try to do anything to change matters.  In her mind this was as much a sin as actually keeping the slaves, because they were allowing the souls of the slave owners to be doomed to Hell for their crimes against humanity and God.  Harriet wasn’t super popular with either North or South.

Radical ideas.

Radical idea.

Even Abraham Lincoln wanted to play it safe until his hand was forced.  Imagine taking office and half the country deciding to leave.  And actually doing it, unlike the idiots who signed petitions when Obama was elected.  Yes, we have some of those here.  One small town flew the flag upside down to signal distress when Obama took office.  I pretend not to know these people, kind of like we all like to pretend no one did “black face” comedy routines.  It used to be a regular thing at the college where I work.  It’s in the yearbooks.  Oops.

But things DO change, even if they do slowly, and even if it takes blood and tears to make it happen.  The Civil War took a horrific toll on the country.  The civil rights movement was dangerous and deadly.  Some police officers are even now being called on the carpet for being trigger happy with black civilians.  Are the police automatically bad, and the ones shot good?  No.  But no one can ignore there’s a problem.

But that’s a whole other political issue, and what I really want to talk about are the people in the South that I know, specifically my own Southern heritage.  My grandparents grew up in poverty.  My maternal grandmother married young, and had a toddler and a baby on the way when her husband was killed.  She was 22, had little education, and two children.  But then my grandfather – at least the one I knew – came along and raised my mother, her sister, and the son they had together.  Grandpa had a sixth grade education before he was pulled out of school to help on the farm.  He joined the service at 16 and lied about his age.  World War II was more appealing than the hard, back-breaking work he did day in and day out in the fields, only to face abuse and outright neglect at home.

The touch, the feel of cotton . . .

The touch, the feel of cotton . . .

Cotton on the roadside, cotton in the ditch
We all picked the cotton but we never got rich

My maternal grandmother died when I was fourteen, so I never got to know her on an adult level as I did my grandfather.  He was quite a man – 6’4″, huge broad shoulders, but a gentle heart.  When my grandmother was alive, he was always in the background, the guy who counted my ribs and called me “stinkerpot”.  Not sure if that’s just a Southern thing or an all around annoyance for children.  When my grandmother died, we worried about how he would make it.  But he did very well.  He became more than the man who worked 7 days a week on oil wells to keep the family going (yet cleaned up shinier than anyone you’d ever seen), though there were times without work where they barely made it.  My mother remembers picking cotton once as a child, and the pain of her fingers, and the tiny amounts of money they made from an entire day’s worth.

My grandfather was a DEMOCRAT.  He lived and breathed the values of the party.  I mean the party, and not the politicians, who obviously aren’t perfect.  Once he went to vote and they asked him which party he belonged to, causing my grandfather to bellow “Do I look like a goddamn Republican to you?”  I doubt they asked him again.

Don't mess with big, tough Democrats.

Don’t mess with big, tough Democrats.

Daddy was a veteran, a southern democrat
They oughta get a rich man to vote like that

When George Bush was elected, I remember him saying “We’re gonna go back to catchin’ rabbits for food.”  He lived through the Depression.  And it was Roosevelt that pulled them through it.  He was elected to four terms.  President Hoover’s answer to the poor people storming the White House was a water hose.  President Roosevelt put them to work, building what they needed anyway, and paying them to do it.  I don’t care what you say, most people DO want to work for pay, if given the chance.  Though he grew up rich, his polio handicapped him, forcing him to see those less fortunate.  Eleanor was often forced to be his voice to the people.  And when this once very shy woman spoke, thousands of people listened and cheered.  My daughters and I watched the Roosevelts’ documentary on PBS.  No, I didn’t make them watch it, they wanted to, and they loved it.  Thing Two insisted on being Eleanor in her school play, even though she only had one line.

It was a good line.

It was a good line.

Cotton was short and the weeds were tall
But Mr. Roosevelt’s a gonna save us all
My father shares the same sentiment as my grandfather once did.  He is also a DEMOCRAT to the end.  I asked if he would change his vote if someone put a gun to his head.  Long pause.  “No.”  He grew up poor in a house with 5 other kids.  His eldest sibling died as a baby.  His older siblings were twins, and born at home.  The doctor delivered them, handed them to his father, charged him ten bucks a piece, and left.  So my father was born at his aunt’s house.  You ate what you were given growing up, because you only got what was there.  He didn’t had a good relationship with his father, but he adored his mother.  She died young, in her forties, so I only know her through my father’s words, but when he speaks of her, she comes alive.
Well momma got sick and daddy got down
The county got the farm and they moved to town
Pappa got a job with the TVA
He bought a washing machine and then a Chevrolet
There is a picture of my father and his family posing in front of the family car.  This isn't it.  It's a stunt family.

There is a picture of my father and his family posing in front of the family car. This isn’t it. It’s a stunt family.

They had chickens, and rabbits.  I remember the rabbits especially because when I asked for one, my father reacted in horror saying “They stink”.  He did not view them as fun pets after caring for them.  There is a picture of several of the family in from of an old car.  Having a car was a big deal, even then.  His grandfather didn’t have indoor plumbing still.  His mother was a fabulous cook, making do with what they had.  She never had a job, but people remembered she was the best basketball player on the team.  She played with her three sons, who would pick her up and annoy the hound out of her.  But she loved her kids, and did what she could.  My father needed just a little more money to make it working and going to college.  She scraped it together somehow.  My father was the first person in his family to get not just a college degree, but a Master’s as well, all through sheer determination – and a little help from his mom and random acts of kindness.

Well somebody told us Wall Street fell
But we were so poor that we couldn’t tell

My father will always be a “poor boy” in his head.  He worked hard, and saved hard, and paid for my college education.  I did not have to work, and I do not have student loan debt.  I will always owe him for that.  He has a savings account for my children as well.  My mother finished a Master’s degree (also the first in her family) and went back to work when I was six (the “terrible thing that happened at our house”).  She is also Democrat, though she does not enjoy politics as my father does.  She does believe in the same values as my father, and can’t understand how people, especially poor people, can vote differently.  When she stayed home with my brother and me, they didn’t have two pennies to rub together.  But they struggled through it, my father working two jobs, my mother sometimes going to three different grocery stores to get the best bargains.

The truth.

The truth.

They didn’t have WIC back then, something that helped pull my family through our leanest years. That and a lot of help from my parents, and a little from those random acts of kindness.  I didn’t want to go to the WIC office and get free food.  But I had babies.  So I did it.  I saved as much as I could, to make my husband’s check last longer.  Everything we owned was a hand-me-down.  Our TV had a pull knob on it for years.  I shopped garage sales – you can get great baby stuff for cheap.  My parents bought us a new air conditioner (thank God for worry over grandbabies!) and conveniently gave us a gun cabinet our first Christmas to hold the guns my husband inherited.  My husband votes Republican.  When we married he said he didn’t care about politics so I figured I would convert him.  It hasn’t worked yet.

I inherited many of these same values, values from Southerners born and bred.  My mother says I was born a feminist, and she had little to do with it.  My brother is a Republican.  I am another died in the wool Democrat, and could never be anything else.  Think about being a staunch Catholic or Protestant.  Now imagine becoming a Buddhist.  It’s about the same with me – liberal Democrat, the ideals of the liberal Democrat, they compose my values, the measure of what I am.  And if you look down at the quote by JFK, you might see a few things Jesus agreed with as well.

That about sums it up.

That about sums it up.

We used to be the Solid South, but with civil rights came a dramatic shift.  Now I’m one of the weirdos who doesn’t agree with a lot of other Southerners.  But I agree with some.  Like my parents, my grandparents, and now my children.  Sure, they  might change their minds when they are older, but I doubt it.  They have my heritage.  And even if they do change parties, they won’t change values.  Those are inbred.

We are Southerners.  This is our song, our song of the South.

Be sure and watch the video for some amazing historical footage of the South’s past.  Not to mention some 80’s mullets.

Disney Hunger Games: Final Interviews and Predictions

So we’re back again.  I apologize for the length of time between posts (in case you’ve noticed or something) but programming is a real pain what with the writer’s strike and all.  But we’re back to finish off the interviews so that we can then finish off the contestants.  And now, once again, is everyone’s favorite sociopath, Prince Hans.

Haha who are you calling sociopath that's ridiculous!  I'm a nice guy, really.  Just look at my teeth. Now let's finish off these interviews - finally.

Haha who are you calling sociopath?  That’s ridiculous! I’m a nice guy, really. Just look at my teeth.
Now let’s finish off these interviews – finally.

First up are our tributes from Agrabah, that great city where they cut off your ear if they don’t like your face (actual original lyrics).  Let’s give a warm welcome to Aladdin.

Hans: Aladdin, I hear you were born a street rat.  Yet now you are the future sultan, and all because you married a girl.  Nice plan there. Aladdin: I just wanted the girl. Hans: Sure you did.

Hans: Aladdin, I hear you were born a street rat. Yet now you are the future sultan, and all because you married a girl. Nice plan there.
Aladdin: I just wanted the girl.
Hans: Sure you did.

Hans: What is your strategy for winning the games? Aladdin: Well it's totally not going to have anything to do with monkeys or tigers or flying carpets or all powerful genies.  Trust me.

Hans: What is your strategy for winning the games?
Aladdin: Well it’s totally not going to have anything to do with monkeys or tigers or flying carpets or all powerful genies. Trust me.  Hans: I’ve heard you are a lying thief, yet still got to be the hero. What gives?  Aladdin: Well I don’t spend a lot of time playing with ponies. Hans: Hey, ponies are great . . . who told you?  Aladdin: Gotta go – one step ahead you know!

Next is Aladdin’s beautiful prize er bride, Princess Jasmine.

Hans: Princess Jasmine, what a nice dress . . . wait, is that a wedding veil? Jasmine: Yes I was planning a beautiful wedding. Hans: Oh give me a break, someone already tried the wedding idea. Jasmine: Darn that Ariel.  She's such a little brat!

Hans: Princess Jasmine, what a nice dress . . . wait, is that a wedding veil?
Jasmine: Yes I was planning a beautiful wedding.
Hans: Oh give me a break, someone already tried the wedding idea.
Jasmine: Darn that Ariel.  Did I mention I’m expecting? Hans: Next.

Next we have . . . oh wait there seems to be a problem.  Did Hans lose something important?

Hans: Hey, street rat, give me back my wallet!

Hans: Hey, street rat, give me back my wallet!

Moving on, we have the tributes from the China-ish district.  Everyone give it up for Mulan!

Hans: Why Mulan, given up the cross-dressing I see? Mulan: I only dressed as a man to save my father and rescue my country. Hans: Well I think it's great that now everyone sees you in those pretty dresses, just the way women belong!

Hans: Why Mulan, given up the cross-dressing I see?
Mulan: I only dressed as a man to save my father and rescue my country.
Hans: Well I think it’s great that now everyone sees you in those pretty dresses, just the way women belong!

Mulan: I can shoot missiles all the way to the freaking Southern Isles, you jerk! Hans: Not necessary, really, haha . . . um, next?

Mulan: I can shoot missiles all the way to the freaking Southern Isles, you jerk!
Hans: Not necessary, really, haha . . . um, next?

Next up the commander in chief who looks really nice with his shirt off (so some say) and sings the best song ever about being a man.  Uh, anyway, let’s get down to business and say hello to Li Shang.

Li Shang: I happen to like Mulan in her fighting gear!  We practice hitting each other all the time.  Shall I practice on you? Hans: Save if for the games . . . please.

Li Shang: I happen to like Mulan in her fighting gear! We practice hitting each other all the time. Shall I practice on you?
Hans: Save if for the games . . . please.  NEXT!

Our final interviews, at last!  Let’s hear some from the Hairland district, starting with Flynn Rider.

Hans: Greetiings, Mr. Rider.  You have quite a bit in common with Aladdin.  Both of you are thiefs, both of you married beautiful princesses to inherit their kingdoms . . . really, what did I do wrong? Flynn: Maybe the murder part.  Just a guess.  Hey, nice watch. Flynn: Why thank you . . . wait a minute.  Next!

Hans: Greetiings, Mr. Rider. You have quite a bit in common with Aladdin. Both of you are are lying thieves, both of you married beautiful princesses to inherit their kingdoms . . . really, what did I do wrong?
Flynn: Maybe the attempted murder part. Just a guess. Hey, nice watch.
Hans: Why thank you . . . wait a minute. Next!

Welcome Rapunzel, she of the really, really, really long hair . . . that she once had but now is short and brown.  Except when she apparently wears blond wigs to please the children cause let’s face it, that’s her whole calling card there, the hair.

Hans: Hello, Rapunzel.  Um, nice mom cut there. Rapunzel: I know, everyone loves the long blond stuff, but do you realize how much that stuff weight?  Or how much debris I pick up in a single day.  Once I caught a woodchuck. Hans: Nice.  Tell me, do you also have mom jeans? Rapunzel: No but I have a frying pan. Hans: Brown hair is a great look for you.

Hans: Hello, Rapunzel. Um, nice mom cut there.
Rapunzel: I know, everyone loves the long blond stuff, but do you realize how much that stuff weighs? Or how much debris I pick up in a single day. Once I caught a woodchuck.
Hans: Nice. Tell me, do you also have mom jeans?
Rapunzel: No but I have a frying pan.
Hans: Brown hair is a great look for you.

Hans: Well that, thank God, concludes our interviews folks.  Now for the fun stuff.  The killing . . . wait, where is my watch?

Hans: Well that, thank God, concludes our interviews folks. Now for the fun stuff. The killing . . . wait, where is my watch?

Hans: Hey, I want my watch back!  You poop-heads!

Hans: Hey, I want my watch back!   You poop-heads!

While Hans searches for his stolen property, let us wish luck to our candidates out there.  May the best, or sneakiest, person win.  You can still get your votes in to see 1) Who wins 2) Who bites it first . . . and second and third and so on . . .and 3) Just how deranged is Alice?  Here are some earlier votes:

List of X
I’m going to go with Team Mulan. Unlike many others in the Games, they both have had military training and know how to survive in the wilderness. Also, if I remember correctly, Mulan has a pet fire-breathing dragon (which she should make sure to keep away from Philip) which is great for reconnaissance and starting fires.
I’ll tell you how Cinderella is going to win – just before the games, a fairy godmother is going to show up and give Cindy some combat boots, an M-16 rifle with unlimited ammo, and a tank to ride to the arena. The only condition is that she’ll have to kill everyone before midnight.

1jade1
The one with the triplets, or the last one…sorry but I’m too lazy to keep them straight. Of course, they will probably go first.

ravinj
Merida or Mulan I predict will be finalists.

faithhopechocolate
I bet the winner will be someone quite unexpected. I’m betting Ariel will either die first or win.

Mental Mama
Personally, I’m rooting for the raccoon thing from Pocahontas. What the hell was his name…?

So we’ve got a couple votes in for Mulan and Merida, a possible win or death for Ariel, and the raccoon thing from Pocahontas.  There’s still time to get your guesses in before the games begin!  Winners will get Evil Squirrel’s Sparkly Pony from my last contest.  He doesn’t know he’s donated yet, but it just seems proper.  Or maybe just the knowledge that you, yes you, predicted who would massacre the most princes and princesses in a pretend contest on a silly blog.  You could put it on your resume!

See you soon.  And may the odds be forever in your favor.

 

 

The Measure of Science Fiction

Note: This post was originally a guest post on another blog in August of 2013.  In light of recent events, I wanted to publish it again, here.

There are many genres of literature.  Mainstream Fiction, Non-Fiction, Mystery, Romance, Horror, but only one genre that seems to be unilaterally mocked as silly, strange, and only for “geeks.”  That, of course, would be Science Fiction.  I know that when I was a child, to admit you liked science fiction was to seal your fate on the lowest rungs of the status ladder for all eternity, or till the end of high school, whichever came first.  God forbid anyone know you liked Star Wars, or Star Trek, or that you read the works of authors such as Isaac Asimov.

And yet, there is something about this genre that is special, unique.  Dictionary.com defines fiction in part as “the class of literature comprising works of imaginative narration, especially in prose form” but also as “an imaginary thing or event, postulated for the purposes of argument or exploration.”  Fiction lets us explore the real world through the lives of imaginary people.  We are transported to places many of us might never go in our lifetimes.  To France, to Africa, to Antartica.  We do not judge people who lose themselves in these works as “geeky.”

And yet – how is science fiction really different?  Science fiction explores both our world, and others.  Sometimes it is the world to come, sometimes it is another possible world, but generally it is about something that takes place in the future, whether centuries from now or just around the corner.  Science fiction, unlike any other genre, seeks to give a picture of a possible future, and in many cases, the chance to either become that future, or to prevent it.

One of the most famous, and most simultaneously beloved and maligned of science fiction programs is the Star Trek series.  It was created by Gene Roddenberry and the first episode “Where no Man has Gone before” aired in 1966.  Though ratings initially were poor, through letter writing the series was extended for three seasons.  But it did not die there.  Fans formed a convention in 1972, and these are still had today.  Later, after the success of science fiction films like Star Wars, Star Trek went to the silver screen.  Now a show that originally was doomed to failure has spanned 12 films, a cartoon, and five different series all based around the same concept.  Unlike many before him, Roddenberry saw a future in which there was hope.

But right now this is, as Phil Collins said, a land of confusion.  We have many problems we are still working out.  Science fiction is a place to bring attention to the problems, explore them, and possibly come to solutions.  In the original series, Roddenberry explored many issues taking place in the 1960s, a primary one being civil rights.  This is an issue that is far from settled, however.  While most consider people of color to be equal, there are still hold outs.  And there are still those who would deny rights to others, whether they be by gender, orientation, national origin, religion, or any number of other reasons.  We still have a long way to go.

I was inspired to write about this by an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, the second series produced in this line.  In this episode, The Measure of a Man, an android, known as Lt. Commander Data, is under trial to determine if he is property of Starfleet, the military-like futuristic space organization the people serve.  For a season and a half, the android Data has explored what it is to be human while serving on a starship as a member of the crew.  What makes someone sentient?  Further – what makes someone worthy or respect, of freedom of choice?  These questions come to a head in this episode when the captain, Picard, must prove Data is sentient in order to save him from dangerous experiments that would involve dismantling and possibly destroying the essence of the android’s experiences, or rather, his soul.

So many issues are explored in this episode.  It is not, in fact, just about an android, but about us.  The man who wants to disassemble Data wants to create hundreds just like him, or a race, basically, of androids.  As Picard considers his defense, he realizes that this has all been done before.  Once African Americans were deemed less than human, ¾ of a human to be specific, according to the Constitution at one time.  Since these people were less than human, it was permissible to enslave them.  Would a race of these androids also be enslaved? Can you exploit a machine?

It brings to mind issues from the near future as well.  Already we have cloned animals.  How long until we can clone entire humans?  If we are able to do so, will it be permissible to take from these clones organs in order to further our own existence?  Will these people be considered human like us?  What if we grow them without brains?  Scary, isn’t it?  And yet, possible given the right tools, the right knowledge, the right legislation.  Science and technology are often speeding ahead of morality.  Through science fiction, we can attempt to keep up.

And then there is today.  Today we seek legislation to deny people of the same gender the right to marry.  We seek legislation to deny women the right to choose whether to have their child or receive a safe abortion.  And we seek legislation to deny the right to vote to the poor and disadvantaged.  Are any of these groups of people unworthy of rights?  If so, why?

Here is a clip from the show in which Picard successfully advocates for Data’s right to choose his own future.  It is all very good, but pay careful attention starting at around the 3:30 mark.  He demonstrates how it is our laws that determine the liberties of those around us.  And at 4:18, Picard says, “Your honor, Starfleet was founded to seek out new life.  Well there it SITS!”

Patrick Stewart, who plays Picard in this series, delivers this line so passionately that I dare you to not be moved by his words.  So after all of this, I ask you, am I a geek for liking science fiction?  Is science fiction worthless?  I’m not demanding you enjoy it.  I don’t enjoy all of it, and there are certainly some other genres I am not particularly fond  of, yet I do not consider them silly, or trivial, or just for “geeks.”  Science fiction is for everyone.  It explores the past, the present, and the future in ways that make us question our values, our morals, in a time of extraordinary change.  It’s important.  And it is not just for geeks.

Disney Hunger Games: The Interviews Part Two with t2

Disclaimer to the disclaimer: The following words, opinions, and creative forms of grammar are that of Thing 2 and Thing 2 alone.  Alice had nothing to do with it.  She swears.  Now for Thing Two:

Before we start i would just like to note: Hans is a brony but no one knew, and i have no problem with that and neither should you,bronies are NOT gay, people can like what they like and there is no one to stop you and no one should judge anyone that way, its bloody america the only way to stop someone is the bloody law and if you are a brony or like “girl things” don’t be afraid to be yourself and stand up for people, no one can tell you no….you are your own person and they are just a heartless (kingdom hearts reference!) thank you for your time

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                -T2

see! if girls can like ponies than so can boys! and anna agrees!

see! if girls can like ponies than so can boys! and anna agrees!

                                                                                        ——————          ♥     T    ♣   2   ♠       —————

Welcome welcome to more interviews (with thing two!) As i continue to be young and adorable while i typedy type type on mom’s computer, Hans

continues the evil plan. Not many changes have happened, lets recap our last interviews!

Prince p and Aurora

ariel the non mermaid and stupid eric

bella belle and beast

merida and her wee little devil brothers

All the way from the Southern Isles, it's Hans - out on probation!

All the way from the Southern Isles, it’s Hans

Hans: welcome back to the hunger games interviews! Today we will interview the following:

Snow and prince dude

Kristoff and Anna

John smith and Poco

Prince charming and Cindy

Peter pan and Tinkerbell

sora and riku

(i wish i could add sora and riku from kingdom hearts but mom would not allow it)

Hans: Ok now here is our first interview of the day, everyone welcome…… Cinderella!

Hans: so welcome to the show cinder! do you look familar..... cindy: oh your like my rebel dress? i can't belive i was brave anof to show my clean...hairless...beatiful..... hans: ohhhhh okay now lest not get to wild,next!

Hans: so welcome to the show cinder!
do you look familiar…..
Cindy: oh your like my rebel dress? I can’t belive I was brave enough to show my fabulous legs!
Hans: ohhhhh okay now lest not get to wild,next!

Hans: so tell me anna do you hhave any love intrests? Anna:it's none of your busniess sicko

Hans: so tell me anna do you hhave any love interests?
Anna:it’s none of your busniess sicko

well it looks like Hans is playing hook line and sinker….but anna is not taking the bait.

Hans: so kristzofs kris: its kristoff Hans well merry krismas! HAHAHaa? kris: its not funny hans: whoops, heh sorry

Hans: so kristzofs
Kris: its kristoff
Hans: well merry krismas! HAHAHaa?
Kris: it’s not funny
Hans: whoops, heh sorry

kris: NO ONE CALLS ME KRIZOFF!!!! hans: THIS is a bittt too accseesive!!!

Kris: NO ONE CALLS ME KRIZOFF!!!!
Hans: THIS is a bittt too excessive!

Up next uhh……Prince kit…charming…whatever you want to call him

Hans: so charming, tell me a bit about yourself.... pc:Ohhh uh i     like shoes? hans:okay then thats intresting next!

Hans: so charming, tell me a bit about yourself….
P.C.:Ohhh uh i like shoes?
Hans:okay then that’s interesting next!

now its the one and only neverlandian….. PETER PAN!

Hans: whoa peter, what in arendell happed to you? peter: i steped on tink and she turned me tiny and made me look like an elf that kills chickens HAns: well that sucks

Hans: whoa peter, what in arendell happed to you?
Peter: I steped on tink and she turned me tiny and made me look like an *elf that kills chickens
Hans: well that sucks

hans: peter can you please get out from under the couch? peter: not unless you give me a triangle cracker!!! hans: how about a gingerbread house? peter: deal.

Hans: peter can you please get out from under the couch?
peter: not unless you give me a triangle cracker!!!
Hans: how about a gingerbread house?
peter: deal.

up next……… Tinkerbell!

Hans: uhh hi? tink: don't ask buster or i'll fairy dust you butt to the wall

Hans: uhh hi?
tink: don’t ask buster or I’ll fairy dust you butt to the wall

up now is……*drumroll*……Pocahontas!

Hans: so poco how will you plan to win? poco: i plan to not use violance but.....

Hans: so poco how will you plan to win?
Poco: i plan to go if i have to but…..

but..i gave birth to the son of the sun god Hans:uh sorry poco, but we all know what your doing poco: dangnabit poco:UHHH i mean.....ohfolled again?

but..i gave birth to the son of the sun god
Hans:uh sorry poco, but we all know what you’re doing
poco: dangnabit
Poco:UHHH i mean…..ohfolled again?

next is the adventurer and poco’s loved husband (lets pretend the sequel NEVER happened)

hans: so john how do you plan to win the games? john:oh i plan to use my awesome strengh and dramatic posing! hans: you sound so much like your wife! you guys must be a POWER couple!

Hans: so john how do you plan to win the games?
John :oh i plan to use my awesome strength and dramatic posing!
Hans: you sound so much like your wife! you guys must be a POWER couple!

now we interview prince dude!

Hans: so dude do you have any hobbies that you would like to share dude: i like to kiss -derp- Hans: oh thats nnice... dude:their lips are soooo hans:OOOOK TIM next!

Hans: so dude do you have any hobbies that you would like to share
dude: i like to kiss -derp-
Hans: oh thats nnice…
dude:their lips are soooo
hans:OOOOK TMI next!

up next following her super weird and bloody dumb husband….SNOW WHITE!

Snow:OH HIIIIIIII MY NAME IS…. Hans: hello mrs.white, so how are you planning to win the games? snow: OHHHH im not planing to cause violence, I’m going to SING my way out! Hans:well good luck with that

well that’s all for today folks! make sure to leave a comment to vote for who you think should win! (i still think sora and riku should TOTALLY be in the games) and no butts were harmed in the making of this post, or Hans.

stay tuned for PART 3!

anna says to continue watching for part 3! she loves you as much as she loves the plushies in my room :3

Anna says to continue watching for part 3! she loves you as much as she loves the plushies in my room :3

*and here is a little something for people who found out who peter and tink REALLY are

Dear Current Husband

I suppose you’ve probably heard that annoyingly catchy “Dear Future Husband” by Meghan Trainor, she of the “All about the Bums” fame.  Okay, so I’ve listened to this song dozens of times already (I TOLD you it was catchy) and I was thinking, hey, I have a few things to say to my CURRENT husband.  So I made up some of my own lyrics.  They don’t necessarily have rhyme or rhythm, but I guarantee they make at least as much sense as hers do.

Here’s the video to get the beat, in case you somehow managed to miss hearing this song.

Dear Current Husband

Here’s a few things

You’ll need to know if

You want to live

Another 16 years in peace.

***

Take me on a date

Pretend you think it’s great

I’ll try not to forget our anniversary

Cause if you treat me right

I’ll be a decent wife

I’ll remember next time

About your birthday and all that

Oh wait, not that one . . .

Oh wait, not that one . . .

You got a 7 to 3:30

But I got 8 to 5

That means you get a teensy bit of precious free time

So it’s only fair you cook

You know that I can’t cook.

But I can check out books, yeah I check out books

***

You gotta attempt to treat me like a lady

Even though I’m always crazy

Tell me everything’s alright

***

Dear Current Husband

Here’s a few things you should know by now

To keep your wife from having a big cow

Turn off “Pickers” and listen

***

Dear Current Husband

If you want some lovin’

Remember to play old Alan Alda shows

****

After fixing cars

Try to clean it up

And maybe then I won’t freak out because the yard is

covered by so many parts

Not to mention oil.  And all those blasted tools.

How many do you need?  Really, how many do you need?

Yeah, pretty much all of this is in our front lawn.

Yeah, pretty much all of this is in our front lawn.

You gotta know to pretend that I’m a lady

Yeah I know I’m really crazy

Just tell me everything’s alright

***

Dear Current Husband

Here’s a few more things

You need to know if you want to live

16 more years of mostly peace

***

Dear Current Husband

Make time for me

Don’t leave me lonely

And know you sometimes have to talk to me

***

Please stop snoring on the left side of the bed (hey)

And take the kids away and you might get some kisses

Don’t leave them in the woods

They’ll just find their way back

Forget about big rings

I want a va-cay-tion

They just keep coming back.  But it's harder if you're farther away.  Like on vacation.

They just keep coming back. But it’s harder if you’re farther away. Like on vacation.

Okay you know that I’m not much of a lady

And I usually am crazy

But tell me everything’s alright

***

Dear Current Husband

There’s so many more things

You need to know if you want to be

My husband till we fight in wheelchairs

***

Dear Current Husband

Though you do drive me nuts, I really do love you

Just say I’m beautiful, like, out loud

Current Husband, we can make this work!

***

Thank you, current husband, for 16 and a half years (see I’m not that late).  I love you.

Please clean up the driveway

Disney Hunger Games: The Interviews Part One

Sorry for the delay, but the Game Makers have not exactly been concentrating on their duties. (Click to enlarge photos)

The Game Makers have been a little distracted.  Are you surprised it's them?

Are you surprised it’s them?

Anyway, after some quick wardrobe changes with their stylists – Elsa and the Fairy Godmother were worked pretty hard – it is time for the customary pre-game interviews.

First, let me introduce to your our host!

All the way from the Southern Isles, it's Hans - out on probation!

All the way from the Southern Isles, it’s Hans – out on probation!

First up for an interview is Prince Eric from the Atlantis District.  Let’s see what questions Hans has for him.

Hans: Nice to meet you Eric.  How are you enjoying things so far? Eric: Oh, it's really nice up here.  Great seafood. Don't tell Ariel.

Hans: Nice to meet you Eric. How are you enjoying things so far?
Eric: Oh, it’s really nice up here. Great seafood. Don’t tell Ariel.

Ariel: Eric, Eric! Eric: She knows!

Ariel: Eric, Eric!
Eric: She knows!

Hans: Uhh, Ariel, nice to meet you too . . . why are you wearing your wedding dress? Ariel: Because Eric and I were going to get married . . . before . . . the games.  Sob.

Hans: Uhh, Ariel, also from the Atlantis district – nice to meet you too . . . why are you wearing your wedding dress?
Ariel: Because Eric and I were going to get married . . . before . . . the games. Sob.

Hans: Haven't you two been married a while now?  I mean - I saw the rip in Eric's clothes. They don't even fit him. Ariel: Umm . . . no . . . . no just getting married.  It's horrible!

Hans: Haven’t you two been married a while now? I mean – I saw the rip in Eric’s clothes. They don’t even fit him.  And a wedding is not getting you out of the games.
Ariel: Crap.

Next up is Princess Aurora from the Narcolepsy District.

aurora interview1

Hans: Aurora, lovely to meet you. That’s a beautiful dress.    Aurora: Yes, but the fairies couldn’t decide on the color. Pink, blue, pink, blue. I see that in my nightmares you know? Pink or blue? Pink or blue?  It’s exhausting!

Hans: So what skills do you think you'll bring to . . . um, highness? Aurora: zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Hans: So what skills do you think you’ll bring to . . . um, highness?
Aurora: zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

After unloading Aurora from the couch, it was the second tribute from Narcolepsy, Prince Phillip’s, turn.

Hans: Prince Phillip, welcome.  I hear you once killed a dragon.  Do you think that gives you an edge? Phillip: Yeah.  A sharp one.

Hans: Prince Phillip, welcome. I hear you once killed a dragon. Do you think that gives you an edge?
Phillip: Yeah. A sharp one.

Moving on. Next on the hot seat are tributes from the French-ish district, starting with Belle.

Hans: Welcome, Belle.  Uh . . . Belle.  Do you - think your team will win? Belle: I'm reading. Hans: But the book doesn't even have any pictures.

Hans: Welcome, Belle. Uh . . . Belle. Do you – think your team will win?
Belle: I’m reading.
Hans: But the book doesn’t even have any pictures.

After Belle finished her chapter, it was Beast’s turn.

Hans: So - Prince . . . Beast?  Those claws should come in handy in the games. Beast: My name is  Adam.  And I am totally suing that enchantress. Hans: But everyone knows you're cooler as the Beast.

Hans: So – Prince . . . Beast? Those claws should come in handy in the games.
Beast: My name is
Adam. And I am totally suing that enchantress.
Hans: But everyone knows you’re cooler as the Beast.

My life sucks.

Beast: My life sucks.

And now time for the last interviews of the day : welcome the Clan Du -whatever district.  First up is Merida.

Hans: Merida, tell me about yourself. Merida: I AM MERIDA, FIRST BORN DESCENDENT OF CLAN DUNBROCH!

Hans: Merida, tell me about yourself.
Merida: I AM MERIDA, FIRST BORN DESCENDENT OF CLAN DUNBROCH!

Elinor: Get away from my daughter!  I can be a reaaaal mother bear! Merida: Muuum, yer embarrasing meee! Hans: Security!

Elinor: Get away from my daughter! I can be a reaaaal mother bear!
Merida: Muuum, yer embarrasing meee!
Hans: Security!

Next up are the triplet tributes, Hammock, Hammich, and Hummus . . . or . . . whatever their names are.

Hans: They're bears. Are we serious?  Are we really doing this?

Hans: They’re bears. Are we serious? Are we really doing this?

Triplets: Hiiiiii!  Got any porridge? Hans: Will someone get the three bears here off my lap?

Triplets: Hiiiiii! Got any porridge?
Hans: Will someone get the three bears here off my lap?

Hans: Seriously . . . now they're just staring at me.  And licking their lips.  Anyone?

Hans: Seriously . . . now they’re just staring at me. And licking their lips. Anyone?

Merida: Oh, dear, my bad!  They'll be back to normal soon!  I hope. Hans: I should have stayed in prison.

Merida: Oh, dear, my bad! They’ll be back to normal soon! I hope.
Hans: I should have stayed in prison

Hans: Well that's all for today, but stay tuned for the rest of the interviews.  After the Beast and those bears I need some freaking Zyrtec.

Hans: Well that’s all for today, but stay tuned for the rest of the interviews. After the Beast and those bears I need some freaking Zyrtec.

Still 9 districts left to go!  How will interviews go with the others?  Anna?  Aladdin?  Mulan?  Those other guys?  Will we get to the killing and stuff already?  Stay tuned.

. . . . . To be continued.  These posts may last as long as the movies!

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