Rick Perry Dances with the Morons

Some uber important stuff happened last week, you guys!  No, not a cure to some dumb illness or anything, it was the premier of this season’s “Dancing with the Has-Been or Never Were Stars”!  We’ve had some bizarre people on the show before, like the 80-something-year-old astronaut, Buzz Aldrin, who had to be pushed around the floor like a shopping cart, and Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol.  Cause somehow even the children of famous people we hate get counted among the “stars” on this show.  As far as I can tell, her only “talent” came from getting pregnant in high school right when her mother was advocating abstinence for teenagers.  You have to give her points for that, I guess.

But what about this year?  Vanilla Ice is on, because, of course he is.  Also, we have an Olympian, and not just any Olympian, an Olympian who vandalizes property and lies about being robbed, really smoothing out international relations between the U.S. and Rio, just like Romney did by mentioning how much Britain sucked during the Olympics before that!  We’re on a roll, here.  Speaking of politicians who have no business on any floor, be it Senate or dance floor, we have our next, and my favorite, contestant: Rick Perry.

Our former governor and former presidential candidate. Real quote, guys.

Rick is so smarts.

You might remember ol’ Rick as one of the zillion Republican presidential candidates this year.  Or you might not, since he’s not that interesting and heck no one really remembers who was running this year except for Trump.  But we in Texas sure remember him cause he was, inexplicably, governor here for 14 years.  By his last term, though, even Texas hated the guy, so much so he was nearly beaten by a Democrat in a state that has gone red in all political elections for years.  Democrats don’t even bother running for a lot of posts.  Yet Rick sucked that bad.  So naturally he chose to run for president. And fail.  Twice.  What’s the logical next step?

A reality dancing show, naturally.  If Trump can go from reality show to politics, why can’t Rick go backwards?  He claims he is there to learn how to dance for his daughter’s wedding. You get a glimpse of his unfortunate daughter in the audience, attempting to hide behind the seats before she realizes the camera is on her and puts out a patented forced smile.  They really should have some sort of support group for the children of idiot politicians.  Yet just as he was while governor, Rick has no clue she’s uncomfortable.  He’s rarin’ to go!  No talent, no problem, is his motto.

Last week was his first dance of the year, and it was a goodie, folks.  Ya’ll, I mean, he was awesome.  First off, he forgot he was no longer governor in his introduction.  Then his dance partner proceeds to make fun of his Texas drawl, which I swear all of us do not have.  I don’t – and others, like Merry who have heard me speak, can vouch for it. But for some reason, others do, and sometimes they come from towns just miles away.  There’s no rhyme or reason to it.  Another department at work had a lady we used to call “Miss Twang”.  It was literally painful to be in her vicinity.

But I digress.  If you want to talk about pain, you gotta see this performance. Cause it’s not just about how Rick can’t dance, it’s how he chose the song “God Blessed Texas” (with Rick of course) and this massive set complete with Ferris wheel and no kiddin’ – corndog stand.  Here ya go.

So proud to be a Texan right now, ya’ll.  Here’s some of the reactions we heard around the web after his performance.  I highlighted a few favorites.

Jezebel: Rick Perry, with nothing else to do, will join Amber Rose and Vanilla Ice on Dancing with the Stars – where do you go after 14 years rolling back Texas abortion access and executing the mentally ill?  The dance floor, baby!

Twitchy.com: ‘Dances with the Stars’ teases the Rick Perry vs. Vanilla Ice dance-off we’ve been waiting for

Dallas Morning News: Is Rick Perry dancing the desperation boogie by joining ‘Dancing with the Stars?’  – “bless his heart” – says columnist Ken Herman

Texas Tribune: Rick Perry talks ‘Dancing with the Stars’, Senate speculation

VanityFair.com: Failed Presidential Candidate Rick Perry to join Ryan Lochte on ‘Dancing with the Stars’: Miraculously, Perry is not the first previously indicted Republican politician from Texas to appear on the reality show.

I love these article titles.  Desperation boogie.  Dance off between Vanilla Ice and Rick Perry (make it happen, guys, please!).  The inclusion of “Dancing with the Stars” and “Senate speculation” in the same sentence.  And finally, realizing that he is not the first indicted Republican politican from Texas to appear on this show. That’s incredibly specific there.  Which is why you should totally be watching.  I actually missed the first episode, and had to catch him on youtube, but you can bet I’ll be watching tonight to give you another report next Monday.  We’ll see if the judges’ reactions go from “Eh, you uh got out there um way to go?” to “You’re fired”.  Personally, I hope the voters keep him on there so we can torture him some more.  Because it is up to voters, since those meanie judges gave him 5 out of 10 stars. Rick thought this was awesome, cause he’s dumb.  No, Rick, sorry – that’s 50 percent.  In other words, FAIL.  But hey, you got out there and embarrassed yourself and your daughter, so props to you, sixty-something-year-old politician you!

To make up for that last performance, here’s another one that will amaze you.  It’s by Toni Basil, best known for her hit song “Mickey”.  She’s 72 now – no really she was 39 when Mickey came out – but she still dances better than I ever will.  Check it out.

Wow.  I found this incredibly inspiring.  So much so, I wrote a little song for Rick, to the tune of “Mickey”.

 

Oh Ricky, what a pity, you don’t understand

Don’t take her by the foot, no you take her by the hand

Oh Ricky you’re so dippy, stop running for office

Cause we hate you Ricky

Cause you’re so dumb, Ricky, dumb, Ricky

Go break a leg, Ricky!

 

Stay tuned!

~Alice

Pokemon, Smart Phones, and the Rime of the Ancient Librarian

I think I mentioned before that I was one of the last hold outs on the whole “smart phone” thing.  I have a cell phone, but it just makes calls and texts.  The fact that I can text puts me above, say, my parents, but that’s about it.  Otherwise I am left in the dust.  Get out of the way, you stupid cars, my buggy has just as much right to be here as you do.

It’s strange to think that it wasn’t all that long ago (for someone who is like farthead 40) that we didn’t even have the things.  Can you remember what that was like?  I can.  It was such a total pain.  Like you had to go inside a building, or to a phone booth, and call someone if you needed something.  I’m pretty sure even homeless people have smart phones at this point, and they are only on the street corner to catch a Pokemon*.  But not me.  I didn’t even get my “dumb phone” until I was pregnant with crazy baby (Thing Two) .  I was at a point where it would not have been at all odd for me to suddenly burst into flames and have the doctors call it “just another wacky pregnancy thing”.  So I wanted a phone in case of baby emergency, and we weren’t even close to labor yet.

My current phone

My current phone

I think most people started that way.  I need a phone for emergencies.  Also to talk to my mom.  And keep tabs on my boyfriend.  And crush candy and pretend farm and catch imaginary monsters.  It’s IMPORTANT.  Heck with you, Superman, who now has to run inside a J.C. Penny’s to change thanks to us getting rid of the phone booths; we need our phones.  Why?  Because everyone else needs them, and the world goes along with everyone else.  It’s like everyone else is on cocaine, and I better get drugs fast, or I am never gonna fit into this world at all.

Are they even called smart phones anymore?  This is how out of touch I am.

Wait.  This is exactly what happened in Wonderland – you gotta be stoned to fit in.  Well, I guess we crossed that bridge with the presidential election a long time ago, so whatever.  My kids are some of the last kids not to have smart phones.  What is a good age to get a kid one of these phones?  I’ve seen toddlers with them, because you never know when little Jaxxon will need to make an urgent phone call.  “Juuuuice!” is something I so often hear them scream into their phones.  Or text with their pudgy fingers.  But seriously, no, it’s the educational games on the phones they like.  Because “Peek-a-Boo” takes up way too much time, and uses your hands, and now our wrists hurt from carpal tunnel.  But please give it back because Mommy has stuff to do.  Her crops are wilting, her boss has more Pokemon power-ups than she does, and Daddy is not going to stalk himself.

Crap I just lost all my data!

Crap I just lost all my data! Darn kids.

I don’t know what a Pokemon power-up is and I don’t want to know.

What’s this about stalking?  Oh, that’s a fun thing I learned from a 20-something co-worker a while back.  “See,” she said happily.  “I can tell where everyone I know is right now.  Here is my boyfriend at work.  Here’s mom at the grocery store.  Here’s all 72 of my best friends at the mall.”  I found this a little disconcerting.  “What if you don’t want someone to know where you are 24/7?” I asked.  She looked at me with a face that clearly did not comprehend the question.  Of COURSE you would want to know where everyone was all the time.  I told my husband about this feature.  He said if we ever get smart phones, he is tossing his in a truck going cross country.  I don’t blame him.

Yet I can only hold out so much longer because the world changes to fit our technology.  My kids are actually expected to have it and bring it to school for “Share your technology day” where they use their own expensive electronic devices instead of the school supplying them, and if these devices should be lost or stolen, the school is in no way responsible please sign here.

It’s not just phones, though, it’s technology period that is going haywire (pun intended).  Phones are just mini computers now, even smaller than the NUC on my desk.  That’s NUC not Nuke, though it certainly sounds like I have a rather dangerous bomb on my desk, but believe me it’s not even half as useful.  See at work they took away our computer towers and gave us these tiny boxes that have like one whole usb port in them for you to plug your stuff in, which certainly beats the towers which had a CD drive, several usb ports, and acted as a nice shelf for my office mate and me.  We were not impressed with these new boxes.  Yeah, they were smaller, but with one port you had to get another thingy to plug into it that is a square thing with 4 ports on in, so you can actually plug more than one thing in it at a time.  If you want me to explain what a usb port is, you are worse off than I am, but not by much.  All I know is it’s like an outlet.  I’m not even totally versed on how electricity works, except that you plug something in and ‘bing’ a light comes on.  It could be fairies coming through the wires for all I know (or care).

We no longer have monitors this large, but we are still just as stoned as these kids.

We no longer have monitors this large, but we are still just as stoned as these kids.

I don’t adjust well to new things, especially technology.  I refused to learn that wild mp3 thing until my husband bought one for me and showed me how and then I really liked this little thing I could store my music on.  Except now mp3 players, like the Sony Walkman cassettes and CDs, are so old that my snobby computer refuses to recognize the software. Seriously, it just totally ignores it, like, you are so not worth my time.  Why?  Because you can get that on your phone.  Along with a camera, a GPS, a best friend (hi Siri), and God only knows what else.  Why do my devices have to multitask?  I don’t expect my dryer to also take selfies and cook me a mean pot roast.  It dries clothes. That’s it.  But the computer at your fingertips does everything.  You can pay bills on the phone.  You can also check out books.

It should be known that I did not start using the library computer catalog until they removed the physical card catalog – the one with all the cards in it.  And I was one of them “Youngins” then.

If you don't remember what this is, I hate you.

If you don’t remember what this is, I hate you.

Yet you have to eventually give in just to keep up in this world.  I don’t want to be the only one not getting mugged in alleys or falling off cliffs while chasing pretend monsters.  So I guess I’ll have to get the smart phone.  And update my computer.  You know.  Eventually.

When they take away my pay-by-the-month dumb phone, most likely.

~Alice

*I so did not use Pokemon in the title just to get more hits.  Okay, I did.

 

Merry and Alice talk Cockle-Bread

Merry and I discuss an bizarre old medieval tradition

That Retro Blog

The other day, Merry and I were chatting and she sent me a link cause we like to share philosophical ideas and shit.  And this link was from Cracked.com.  And we were INSPIRED.  Check it out right here.  In case you’re wondering which X-rated tradition really caught our eye, it was the bread women made with their vaginas.  Of course it was. You didn’t read the article did you? We are NOT making this crap up.  Cracked did it’s research (unlike most news media) and here is what they found from, no kidding, the Oxford freaking Index which is from like OXFORD, guys.

oxford indexAnyone else feel like some bread right now?

Yeah, that’s right.  Women would mold bread dough with their va-jay-jays and butts and then bake it.  And here Miley Cyrus thinks she’s innovative.  Not only would these women do bizarre things with their grain products, they would…

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Back to School: Teachers Get Real

That's a watermark there, but I like to think of it as a black hole.

Back to the black hole of doom, guys!

Yeah, it’s back to school time, a time that is really only beneficial to retailers.  Working parents hate it because they have no time.  Stay-at-home parents hate it because they have a few minutes, between diaper changes, so hey go volunteer!  Kids hate it – well because it’s school.  I don’t care how cute the bulletin boards are, it’s gonna suck.

And, naturally, teachers hate it.  They are the ones stuck with our children all day.  So teachers have to give kids a hard time at the beginning so that they will know who is boss.  Unfortunately, the scary warnings only work on the kids who would be good anyway.  The troublemakers are just going to laugh, laugh, laugh and snort some cocaine off the page.

Keep your hands and weapons to yourselves, kiddos.

Keep your hands and weapons to yourselves, kiddos.

I kid, because my children go to suburban schools and everyone knows these students aren’t going to use plain old copy paper with their drugs, nor are they actively going to use them in front of the teacher.  So since suburban teachers don’t have the truly horrible problems that teachers at some inner-city schools face (lesson one: stay alive through 7th period), they have to make them up.

Here’s an example.  When Thing Two was in kindergarten, her teacher gave her detentions every day.  It’s not that my little darling didn’t deserve many of them. I do understand that the angrily scribbled note “Child was in boy’s restroom screaming down the hall” is kind of hard to debate.  But forgetting her lunch back in the classroom?  Yes, she got one for that.  At five.  Two years out of diapers.  Heck, I once forgot to pack her a lunch. Oh, I gave her the lunch sack, just no lunch.  I can still imagine the child opening that empty sack to this day.  Luckily I only received “Mom of Shame” for that one.

The thing with giving a detentions for a kid misbehaving is that it backfires. You were jumping around the classroom; now you miss recess!  The – one time when the kid CAN jump?  When you want them to jump until they collapse barely breathing and then you can actually tell them stuff?  The detention defeats that.  And giving detentions for something that isn’t even misbehavior is just as bad.  You end up with so many, it is no longer really a punishment.  Thing Two handed them to me like flyers.

Detention? Now I'll never get a job.

Detention? Now I’ll never get a job.

I remember back in the day – the day before Internet kids – when teachers just saved those things for when kids really did something bad, like say punching another kid, or the teacher.  Definitely deserved then.  But the other stuff is just silly.  And it doesn’t stop in kindergarten.  Thing One brought home a paper for me to sign for her art class yesterday.  It said “Any mechanical pencils left on the desk will result in a detention.  No mechanical pencils!!!”  Wow.  I get that you use “special” (ie expensive) pencils for art, but what the heck did a mechanical pencil do to her?  That seems a wee bit extreme.  Either she hasn’t been at that school long, or she’s been there WAY too long.

A lot of the teachers seemed pretty harried, judging by the number of times they used ALL CAPS in their warning, er, welcome letters.  I get that teaching is an incredibly hard job.  Both my parents did it, and they got out of it into the library and counseling, respectively, which are also awful, but not quite as bad.  I was an education major, and just ran altogether my senior year.  But I wonder what they give detentions for in those really tough schools they feature in movies like “Dangerous minds.”

  1. No semi-automatic weapons on the desk.  Please keep in backpacks.
  2. Do not leave heroin needles lying around.  Clean up after yourselves.
  3. If you wish to start creating the next generation, please do so in the privacy of your own locker.
  4. Please reserve making plans to rob the 7-11 for study hall.
  5. Tattoos are for art class.
  6. Please save gang warfare for Physical Education class.
  7. No shanking in the classroom, unless it’s science class and it’s a frog.
  8. No spitting, shooting, stabbing, stapling, severing, or stomping your teacher
  9. Save cell phones calls to pimps for after class
  10. Absolutely no mechanical pencils.

I think that about does it.  How is the school year going for you guys?

~ Alice

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Number of the Day is 42

And the letters are F and U!  Just kidding!  No, it’s Merry’s birthday and she did a post for me, which means I should do one for her.  My post-making has not been awesome lately, but you do what you have to do, even if it is literally on the day it’s due.  So I made her a picture and stuff, cause I couldn’t even make the balloons on Facebook.  I tried, but it kept trying to make me celebrate my OWN birthday, which I didn’t want to do again, especially when it was her turn.  I hate Facebook and their stupid celebration stuff.  Boo.

Check THIS out stupid Facebook.

Check THIS out stupid Facebook.

She’s 42 today!  Which is awesome, cause that means she’s made it 42 years even with death and disease and terrorism and Trump!  I mean, you think of ALL the things that could kill you literally any second and it’s amazing any of us are here!  We could get run over by trucks today!  Wait.  This does not sound like a birthday post.  Sorry!

In all seriousness, I do count Mer among my best friends because even though we haven’t met in person, like my other close friends, she has been here for me.  Sometimes more than others can cause she’s on the other side of the screen all the time.  Well, not all the time, I mean she goes to the bathroom and sleeps, but often she’s there.  And she helps me through the day. Which is all any of us can do.  What with genocide and hurricanes and all.

We met with a Fruitcake award, and made ourselves super heroes, and we are still hanging out, even if it’s on the web.  So happy birthday to my Wonder Twin.  And many more!

Saying we don’t have the Apocalypse!  We can share a bunker!

Love,

Alice

Tips for Clutter!

Clutter is big right now.  Or more specifically, decluttering which is not, according to WordPress,  a real word.  This should be a clue right there.  I have tried to get rid of clutter, to no avail.  (Once I tried for like 15 minutes). It seems like everyone has some tips on removing clutter, but has anyone come up with tips on how to use clutter?  I don’t know, I haven’t researched, but I’m going to guess “No.”  Well now they, er, I have!

A picture of my house.

A picture of my house.

Tips for Using Clutter

  1. Piled laundry (dirty or clean) makes a great cushion for your couch.  If you put it in your car, it can be used as a booster seat.
  2. Trash can be used as art.  Call it “Shabby Chic”.
  3. Time spent searching for lost items counts as exercise.
  4. By not washing your dishes or cleaning your refrigerator, you can grow your own medicine.
  5. Clutter can be used as a blockade in case of home invasion.  Seriously, police told us at the library that our clutter could help block an active shooter.  Yay us!
  6. Books on decluttering make great side tables.
  7. “What’s that smell?” is a fun and entertaining game for the whole family.
  8. By gathering up loads of random stuff, you can make your own ball pit for the kids.
  9. Piling things on top of your exercise machine keeps you from feeling guilty for not using it by blinding you to its presence.
  10. You life is full of surprises.  What’s in that cabinet?  Is it alive?  Who knows!

So there you go!  Lots of reasons not to remove clutter.  If you still insist on getting rid of it, I have one great tip.  Wait for the holiday season and throw all your clutter into those huge Christmas bags meant for bicycles and such.  Then put a sign in front of your house saying “Rob Me.”

Anyone else have creative ideas for clutter?

~ Alice

The Donald Trump Song!

If you’ve heard anything about the recent Republican Convention (I get my news from comedians – they are better fact checkers), then you know that Donald has been ripping off songs for his political campaign. This makes bands like Queen feel really stabby considering they hate Trump, and do not think he’s “the champion”, unless he means champion of a-holes. He’s also stolen “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” from the Rolling Stones, but it actually is a rather apropos song for him.  We are definitely not getting what we want.  No satisfaction here, man.

I think I'm gonna need this song soon.

I think I’m gonna need this song soon.

Now if this were any other Ann Coulter type jerk, you could ignore him, but this is a – dear God – viable candidate for president of the United States.  There is no point in listing the awful things he has said.  Better to simply make a list of the decent things he has said.  It’s tiny.  Like his hands.

But when I heard this song I’m about to show you, it just made total sense.  “Big Time” by Peter Gabriel.  Illustrated with pictures.  I’m sorry, Peter, please forgive me.

Big Time

I’m on my way, I’m making it
I’ve got to make it show, yeah
So much larger than life
I’m going to watch it growing

He’s referring to his hands uh hand here.

Thank you, Youtube.

Thank you, Youtube.

The place where I come from is a small town
They think so small
They use small words

He didn’t come from a small town, but he does know the little people because he employs them.

Mexicans are rapists, but they do great work in my vineyards.

Mexicans are rapists, but they do great work in my vineyards.

But not me
I’m smarter than that
I worked it out
I’ve been stretching my mouth
To let those big words come right out

Donald does love to talk about his degrees (I’m sure he did not have any help whatsoever) and how smart he is.  Very smart.  And he says he knows big words!  Gonna build a wall.  A big wall.  A beautiful wall.  Clearly an intellectual.  And no one stretches his mouth farther than Donald.

YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE!

YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE!

I’ve had enough, I’m getting out
To the city, the big big city
I’ll be a big noise with all the big boys
There’s so much stuff I will own

He is definitely a big noise in the big big city, and has enough money to play with the “big boys”, especially those giving corporations, who are people, you know.  And does he own stuff?  Guys, he’s about to own the presidency of the United States.  I joked earlier about him putting Trump on the White House in big letters but – look, just – look what he did at the convention and tell me this isn’t a realistic possibility.

What I really appreciate about Donald is the subtly.

What I really appreciate about Donald is the subtlety.

And I will pray to a big god
As I kneel in the big church

Trump's entrance to the RNC convention. Need I say more?

Trump’s entrance to the RNC convention bathed in heavenly light.

My parties all have big names
And I greet them with the widest smile
Tell them how my life is one big adventure
And always they’re amazed
When I show them ’round my house, to my bed
I had it made like a mountain range
With a snow-white pillow for my big fat head

He has big parties, with big names, you guys, like wrestlers.  Some call it a “convention” but clearly it was a party for Donald.  There were huge balloons, lots of guys who appeared to be high on something, and it carried a very high chance of the cops being called.

People all over are amazed at Donald and his fancy house and his giant head.  Adventure!

Balloons are great for calming the masses. Ooooh pretty!

Balloons are great for calming the masses. Ooooh pretty!

Even Hillary lost her composure when balloons fell at the DNC convention! Pretty!

Even Hillary lost her composure when balloons fell at the DNC convention! Pretty!

And my heaven will be a big heaven
And I will walk through the front door

You might get through the front door, Donald, but I don’t think you’re getting past security.

Big time big time
My car is getting bigger
Big time
My house is getting bigger
Big time
My eyes are getting bigger
Big time
And my mouth
Big time
My belly is getting bigger
Big time
And my bank account
Big time
Look at my circumstance
Big time
And the bulge in my big big big big big big big

No words.

No words.

Thank you greatly for not finishing that last line, Peter.  So you see?  What a great song I’ve ruined.  One that used to sound over the top, but not now!  Now it’s presidential!

Excuse me while I find my cave.  I’ll require big white pillows for the screaming.

Any other songs you can think of that describe our candidates or the election in general?  I’m thinking *”It’s the End of the World as We Know it” and “Highway to Hell” would be good choices.

*Wait Trump and Cruz both used that one already.  Really.

~ Alice

New Presidential Test!

I’ve been thinking about how to reform our election system.  At first I considered just having a boxing match, but you know how much trouble that would be, right?  First it really wouldn’t be fair with older or female candidates, who might not have the same strength as younger, hotter opponents.  Unless we’re talking Bernie Sanders or Hillary Clinton, both of whom I’m pretty sure would be very scary out in the ring.  I wouldn’t go up against them.

Wait, this actually happened?  Obama is like pumped!

Wait, this actually happened? Obama is like pumped!

You know we’d be talking major doping here (more than just being a dope, taking drugs) and selecting surrogate champions.  He who has the most dollars can hire the best boxers!  And we’d have boxer lobbyists, and endorsements from Nike, and so on.  So boxing is out, even if it would be massively more entertaining than primaries, secondaries, caucuses, etc.  It would work quite well for protestors.  Just let the Bernie lunatic fringe and the Trump supporters go at it in one big ring, see what happens.

But what about a test?  I mean we expect our kids to take a ridiculous amount of tests, so why not our candidates?  These could be oral questions, but they would be yes / no and multiple choice, so no dancing around the topic like in debate.  We are not giving them essay or short answer tests – we know how well that works.  I have a lot of experience taking tests, so I have some good ideas for questions.

Get your thinking caps on, politicians!

Get your thinking caps on, politicians!

1.Do you use Twitter?  Yes or No. 

No equals 10 points.  Yes is automatic dismissal

2. Did you watch Sesame Street and / or Mr. Rogers as a child?

Yes equals 1o points.  No equals no cookies for YOU.

Cookie Monster would have had my vote!

Cookie Monster would have had my vote!

3. Which of these did NOT happen in the Bible?

A. Stoning people

B. Healing people

C. God giving Moses the Bill of Rights

D. A great, big, beautiful flood

Answer C 10 points.   That was tricky! We all know it was Jesus who gave us the Constitution.

Totally how it happened.

Totally how it happened.

4. What do you think of really tall walls?

A. We’re just another brick in it.

B. Walls gooood!

C.  Why are we discussing walls again?

Answer A and C 10 points.  5 more if you know who wrote The Wall!

One giant leap to America!

One giant leap to America!

5. What is your favorite amendment to the Constitution and why?

A. 2nd amendment cause it means we can all tote at least 10 machine guns, shoot people, and still get votes.

B. 1st amendment because it guarantees my freedom to curse and demean people who don’t follow the freedom of MY religion which is the ONLY religion.

C. There are more than 2 amendments?

D. All of the above!

E. None of these are right, you moron.

A, B, C, D – no points.  E 10 points.  Signed check to me means any answer is right. 10 points

Go ahead and repeal this one, right?

Go ahead and repeal this one, right?

6. What is the most important issue affecting the American people?

A. The GAYZZZ

B. Mexican Muslim rapist terrorists – they’re everywhere waiting to kill you!

C. Donald Trump. Oh, God, Donald Trump.

Answer C.  10 points.  No, Bernie, I didn’t list food, shelter, and medical care for all.  Gawd.

I AM THE CHAAAAAMPIIIOOOON!

I AM THE CHAAAAAMPIIIOOOON!

7. Does Canada look really good this time of year?  Yes or No.

Yes – 10 points.  No – you clearly haven’t been paying attention.  O points and no beer.

8. Is it okay to lie, cheat, and steal?  Yes or No.

Yes if you don’t get caught.  10 points.  No if you are too dumb to hide your evidence. -10 points

Please quit writing emails.  All crooks now use texting.  Keep up.

Please quit writing emails. All crooks now use texting. Keep up.

9. I don’t like the candidate for my party.  What should I do?

A. Vote for the candidate for the opposite party.  Sure, why not?

B. Vote for a third party.  Like the Unicorn party.

C. Vote for the candidate you’re given and LIKE IT.

D. Throw a big temper tantrum.

Answer – Vote for anyone who isn’t Trump, then run to Canada.  10 points.

Write in Sparklepony for President today!

Write in Sparklepony for President today!

10. How soon should you start campaigning for President?

A. As soon as the new president is elected.

B. No more than 6 months ahead of time.

C. Never.

Answer – C, C, C always go for C.  10 points

Okay, so maybe this isn’t the best test ever, but it’s a start.  Anyone have ideas for other questions we should ask?  Let me know in the comments below!

~ Alice

Proper Grammar with Boogers

Oooh, oooh, I can't decide!!!

Oooh, oooh, I can’t decide!!!

Hi, all!  You may not remember (I didn’t) but two years ago I wrote a post entitled “Ten Things to Do With a Picked Booger”.  It wasn’t that impressive, booger-wise, just a top ten list. This post generated a lot of comments, as most of my highly intellectual posts do, but just the other day it got a new comment!  I am always excited to see new comments, especially when they are like this one.  I’m not even sure how to describe it.  Let’s say it’s better than the comment on the Dragon Tail’s Review post in which I was called a “40-year-old farthead”.  See for yourself!

Hiiii, Dorman!

Hiiii, Dorman!

This is my first response to dear Dorman.  I have so much to say.  First off, thank you for making a simple blogger very happy.  I haven’t had such a good laugh in a while.  Here are some other questions, off the top of my head.

  1. What exactly was your “random search”?  Was it for boogers?  Do you search the Internet looking for posts to grammar check?  Specifically booger posts?
  2. Did you like my fragments there?  Feel free to point out other errors.  I will save them up in my heart.
  3. You realize this was a post about boogers, right?
  4. I do have advanced degrees.  I have a B.A. and an M.A. in English and an MLS in Library Science.  I like to collect degrees, then completely ignore them.
  5. Thanks for letting me know that I can improve my comedic timing with a couple of well-placed colons and apostrophes.  I bet you are a laugh a minute: really!
  6. Do and not do not equal don’t. They equal “donot”, or using the proper English spelling, “donut”.
  7. You aren’t Shakespeare and, thusly, do not sally forth. 
  8. My Corps of Creative Types can beat up your honor student.
Allow me to present to you this badge, Dorman.

Allow me to present to you this badge, Dorman.

If you think this comment was bizarre all by itself, then get ready.  I showed this comment to a few people, and my old friend begged to answer it.  Ravin’s response was, to my delight, followed by more responses by Dorman. Thank you so much for not just performing a drive-by grammar run.  This is much better.

You can check the original post for all the comments at the bottom of the page, though they are unbelievably, and hilariously, long.  We are talking my lawyer friend with the genius I.Q. versus a blogger who probably sleeps with a grammar text.  This is the kind of thing you just can’t make up.

I do have some quotes I’ll use with proper quotations (or close enough).  My friend informed Dorman that I had advanced degrees.  Response: “George “Dubya” Bush has “advanced degrees”. You’re misinterpretation of my gentle nudge is sad, and likely testosterone-fuelled.”

"That wasn't funny, Dorman! I talk good!"

“That wasn’t funny, Dorman! I talk good!”

I’m wondering how exactly ol’ (see what I did there!) Dorman knew my friend was male, much less infused with lots of testosterone.  We’re talking a grammar argument here.  These are not generally considered overtly masculine.  I’ve never heard Arnold Schwarzenegger engage in one during a fire-fight.  I’m not even sure what sex Dorman is, so I’ll just refer to Dorman with the pronoun “it” until I have confirmation.

Here’s some other good ones.  Ravin suggested Dorman leave as we were all full up with crazy.  Response: “You’re entirely correct: ’cause “aliceatwonderland” is waaaaaaaaaaay overstocked.”  Thanks, Dorman! Crazy was exactly what I was aiming for, but you helped!

One last bit from my new friend.

Is twit-wit in the dictionary, or are you being 'funny' with us, Dorman? Ha: ha'.

Is twit-wit in the dictionary, or are you being ‘funny’ with us, Dorman? Ha: ha’.

I hope you, my readers, are properly educated by this post.  If you glance at the old post, you’ll see that some of you were there!  Ah, what a long, twisted, twisted road we’ve walked metaphorically.  Anyhoo, please leave comments below.  Hopefully Dorman will come back!

P.S. Dorman: My generation was not born with I-Pads and such.  We were born in the mid 1970s, so I guess you could call us “flower infants”.  How old are you?  Congrats on mastering the keyboard!

~ Alice

The 40 Club

While I mourn my 30s, read this little bit about turning 40 that she wrote just for me. 😀

Knocked Over By A Feather

Guess who’s joining the ranks of the 40 Club today?

Alice!! That’s who!!

40Don’t make fun of my meme, I was in a hurry.

I called her early this morning to sing happy birthday (sorry about that, dear.)

And now, because turning 40 is such a great and wonderful thing (not really) I am going to do a short post on how to tell you are now officially middle-aged.

Pay attention Alice, this is important information.

  • That popping sound coming from your knee? Yeah, that’s normal.
  • Music may start to become way too loud for you and you’ll find yourself reaching to turn it down because old.
  • Young people will completely befuddle the fuck out of you.

millennialsSay Snapchat!

  • You’ll experience total face-palm moments when you realize that 80’s music is now considered classic rock.
  • The cashier at the store is now calling you ma’am (or sir.)
  • Starting a…

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