Song of the South

Song, song of the South
Sweet potato pie and shut my mouth
Gone, gone with the wind
Ain’t nobody lookin’ back again . . .
       – “Song of the South” by Alabama

I remember back in grade school when we first discussed the Civil War.  It was simple.  North good.  South bad.  The South wanted slavery.  The North wanted to free the slaves.  They fought, the North won, the slaves were free, Lincoln was a hero – a dead hero, but a hero.  And the South was made to pay – and some counties in the deep South are still paying today.  War is rarely gracious to the loser.  Even those who were freed had no where to go.  It would be years later before they had a right to vote, and even longer before they had a right to an equal education and the same water fountain.  But that wasn’t really discussed so much back then.  Keep it simple for the kids.

Alexandria National Cemetery courtesy of www.nps.gov.   Confederate soldiers could not be buried in national cemeteries for many decades after the Civil War.

Alexandria National Cemetery courtesy of http://www.nps.gov.
Confederate soldiers could not be buried in national cemeteries for many decades after the Civil War.

But the thing is, it isn’t that simple.  No, I’m not going to wave a Confederate flag – those people make me want to throw up.  But we aren’t all morons, anymore than the North are saints.  Even way back then they weren’t saints.  Harriet Beecher Stowe, author of the revolutionary book “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” (please read the book and disregard any plays or movies made from it), pointed out that the North was as much at fault as the South.  Because even the most staunch abolitionists were more content to condemn the slave owners than actually try to do anything to change matters.  In her mind this was as much a sin as actually keeping the slaves, because they were allowing the souls of the slave owners to be doomed to Hell for their crimes against humanity and God.  Harriet wasn’t super popular with either North or South.

Radical ideas.

Radical idea.

Even Abraham Lincoln wanted to play it safe until his hand was forced.  Imagine taking office and half the country deciding to leave.  And actually doing it, unlike the idiots who signed petitions when Obama was elected.  Yes, we have some of those here.  One small town flew the flag upside down to signal distress when Obama took office.  I pretend not to know these people, kind of like we all like to pretend no one did “black face” comedy routines.  It used to be a regular thing at the college where I work.  It’s in the yearbooks.  Oops.

But things DO change, even if they do slowly, and even if it takes blood and tears to make it happen.  The Civil War took a horrific toll on the country.  The civil rights movement was dangerous and deadly.  Some police officers are even now being called on the carpet for being trigger happy with black civilians.  Are the police automatically bad, and the ones shot good?  No.  But no one can ignore there’s a problem.

But that’s a whole other political issue, and what I really want to talk about are the people in the South that I know, specifically my own Southern heritage.  My grandparents grew up in poverty.  My maternal grandmother married young, and had a toddler and a baby on the way when her husband was killed.  She was 22, had little education, and two children.  But then my grandfather – at least the one I knew – came along and raised my mother, her sister, and the son they had together.  Grandpa had a sixth grade education before he was pulled out of school to help on the farm.  He joined the service at 16 and lied about his age.  World War II was more appealing than the hard, back-breaking work he did day in and day out in the fields, only to face abuse and outright neglect at home.

The touch, the feel of cotton . . .

The touch, the feel of cotton . . .

Cotton on the roadside, cotton in the ditch
We all picked the cotton but we never got rich

My maternal grandmother died when I was fourteen, so I never got to know her on an adult level as I did my grandfather.  He was quite a man – 6’4″, huge broad shoulders, but a gentle heart.  When my grandmother was alive, he was always in the background, the guy who counted my ribs and called me “stinkerpot”.  Not sure if that’s just a Southern thing or an all around annoyance for children.  When my grandmother died, we worried about how he would make it.  But he did very well.  He became more than the man who worked 7 days a week on oil wells to keep the family going (yet cleaned up shinier than anyone you’d ever seen), though there were times without work where they barely made it.  My mother remembers picking cotton once as a child, and the pain of her fingers, and the tiny amounts of money they made from an entire day’s worth.

My grandfather was a DEMOCRAT.  He lived and breathed the values of the party.  I mean the party, and not the politicians, who obviously aren’t perfect.  Once he went to vote and they asked him which party he belonged to, causing my grandfather to bellow “Do I look like a goddamn Republican to you?”  I doubt they asked him again.

Don't mess with big, tough Democrats.

Don’t mess with big, tough Democrats.

Daddy was a veteran, a southern democrat
They oughta get a rich man to vote like that

When George Bush was elected, I remember him saying “We’re gonna go back to catchin’ rabbits for food.”  He lived through the Depression.  And it was Roosevelt that pulled them through it.  He was elected to four terms.  President Hoover’s answer to the poor people storming the White House was a water hose.  President Roosevelt put them to work, building what they needed anyway, and paying them to do it.  I don’t care what you say, most people DO want to work for pay, if given the chance.  Though he grew up rich, his polio handicapped him, forcing him to see those less fortunate.  Eleanor was often forced to be his voice to the people.  And when this once very shy woman spoke, thousands of people listened and cheered.  My daughters and I watched the Roosevelts’ documentary on PBS.  No, I didn’t make them watch it, they wanted to, and they loved it.  Thing Two insisted on being Eleanor in her school play, even though she only had one line.

It was a good line.

It was a good line.

Cotton was short and the weeds were tall
But Mr. Roosevelt’s a gonna save us all
My father shares the same sentiment as my grandfather once did.  He is also a DEMOCRAT to the end.  I asked if he would change his vote if someone put a gun to his head.  Long pause.  “No.”  He grew up poor in a house with 5 other kids.  His eldest sibling died as a baby.  His older siblings were twins, and born at home.  The doctor delivered them, handed them to his father, charged him ten bucks a piece, and left.  So my father was born at his aunt’s house.  You ate what you were given growing up, because you only got what was there.  He didn’t had a good relationship with his father, but he adored his mother.  She died young, in her forties, so I only know her through my father’s words, but when he speaks of her, she comes alive.
Well momma got sick and daddy got down
The county got the farm and they moved to town
Pappa got a job with the TVA
He bought a washing machine and then a Chevrolet
There is a picture of my father and his family posing in front of the family car.  This isn't it.  It's a stunt family.

There is a picture of my father and his family posing in front of the family car. This isn’t it. It’s a stunt family.

They had chickens, and rabbits.  I remember the rabbits especially because when I asked for one, my father reacted in horror saying “They stink”.  He did not view them as fun pets after caring for them.  There is a picture of several of the family in from of an old car.  Having a car was a big deal, even then.  His grandfather didn’t have indoor plumbing still.  His mother was a fabulous cook, making do with what they had.  She never had a job, but people remembered she was the best basketball player on the team.  She played with her three sons, who would pick her up and annoy the hound out of her.  But she loved her kids, and did what she could.  My father needed just a little more money to make it working and going to college.  She scraped it together somehow.  My father was the first person in his family to get not just a college degree, but a Master’s as well, all through sheer determination – and a little help from his mom and random acts of kindness.

Well somebody told us Wall Street fell
But we were so poor that we couldn’t tell

My father will always be a “poor boy” in his head.  He worked hard, and saved hard, and paid for my college education.  I did not have to work, and I do not have student loan debt.  I will always owe him for that.  He has a savings account for my children as well.  My mother finished a Master’s degree (also the first in her family) and went back to work when I was six (the “terrible thing that happened at our house”).  She is also Democrat, though she does not enjoy politics as my father does.  She does believe in the same values as my father, and can’t understand how people, especially poor people, can vote differently.  When she stayed home with my brother and me, they didn’t have two pennies to rub together.  But they struggled through it, my father working two jobs, my mother sometimes going to three different grocery stores to get the best bargains.

The truth.

The truth.

They didn’t have WIC back then, something that helped pull my family through our leanest years. That and a lot of help from my parents, and a little from those random acts of kindness.  I didn’t want to go to the WIC office and get free food.  But I had babies.  So I did it.  I saved as much as I could, to make my husband’s check last longer.  Everything we owned was a hand-me-down.  Our TV had a pull knob on it for years.  I shopped garage sales – you can get great baby stuff for cheap.  My parents bought us a new air conditioner (thank God for worry over grandbabies!) and conveniently gave us a gun cabinet our first Christmas to hold the guns my husband inherited.  My husband votes Republican.  When we married he said he didn’t care about politics so I figured I would convert him.  It hasn’t worked yet.

I inherited many of these same values, values from Southerners born and bred.  My mother says I was born a feminist, and she had little to do with it.  My brother is a Republican.  I am another died in the wool Democrat, and could never be anything else.  Think about being a staunch Catholic or Protestant.  Now imagine becoming a Buddhist.  It’s about the same with me – liberal Democrat, the ideals of the liberal Democrat, they compose my values, the measure of what I am.  And if you look down at the quote by JFK, you might see a few things Jesus agreed with as well.

That about sums it up.

That about sums it up.

We used to be the Solid South, but with civil rights came a dramatic shift.  Now I’m one of the weirdos who doesn’t agree with a lot of other Southerners.  But I agree with some.  Like my parents, my grandparents, and now my children.  Sure, they  might change their minds when they are older, but I doubt it.  They have my heritage.  And even if they do change parties, they won’t change values.  Those are inbred.

We are Southerners.  This is our song, our song of the South.

Be sure and watch the video for some amazing historical footage of the South’s past.  Not to mention some 80’s mullets.

Disney Hunger Games: Final Interviews and Predictions

So we’re back again.  I apologize for the length of time between posts (in case you’ve noticed or something) but programming is a real pain what with the writer’s strike and all.  But we’re back to finish off the interviews so that we can then finish off the contestants.  And now, once again, is everyone’s favorite sociopath, Prince Hans.

Haha who are you calling sociopath that's ridiculous!  I'm a nice guy, really.  Just look at my teeth. Now let's finish off these interviews - finally.

Haha who are you calling sociopath?  That’s ridiculous! I’m a nice guy, really. Just look at my teeth.
Now let’s finish off these interviews – finally.

First up are our tributes from Agrabah, that great city where they cut off your ear if they don’t like your face (actual original lyrics).  Let’s give a warm welcome to Aladdin.

Hans: Aladdin, I hear you were born a street rat.  Yet now you are the future sultan, and all because you married a girl.  Nice plan there. Aladdin: I just wanted the girl. Hans: Sure you did.

Hans: Aladdin, I hear you were born a street rat. Yet now you are the future sultan, and all because you married a girl. Nice plan there.
Aladdin: I just wanted the girl.
Hans: Sure you did.

Hans: What is your strategy for winning the games? Aladdin: Well it's totally not going to have anything to do with monkeys or tigers or flying carpets or all powerful genies.  Trust me.

Hans: What is your strategy for winning the games?
Aladdin: Well it’s totally not going to have anything to do with monkeys or tigers or flying carpets or all powerful genies. Trust me.  Hans: I’ve heard you are a lying thief, yet still got to be the hero. What gives?  Aladdin: Well I don’t spend a lot of time playing with ponies. Hans: Hey, ponies are great . . . who told you?  Aladdin: Gotta go – one step ahead you know!

Next is Aladdin’s beautiful prize er bride, Princess Jasmine.

Hans: Princess Jasmine, what a nice dress . . . wait, is that a wedding veil? Jasmine: Yes I was planning a beautiful wedding. Hans: Oh give me a break, someone already tried the wedding idea. Jasmine: Darn that Ariel.  She's such a little brat!

Hans: Princess Jasmine, what a nice dress . . . wait, is that a wedding veil?
Jasmine: Yes I was planning a beautiful wedding.
Hans: Oh give me a break, someone already tried the wedding idea.
Jasmine: Darn that Ariel.  Did I mention I’m expecting? Hans: Next.

Next we have . . . oh wait there seems to be a problem.  Did Hans lose something important?

Hans: Hey, street rat, give me back my wallet!

Hans: Hey, street rat, give me back my wallet!

Moving on, we have the tributes from the China-ish district.  Everyone give it up for Mulan!

Hans: Why Mulan, given up the cross-dressing I see? Mulan: I only dressed as a man to save my father and rescue my country. Hans: Well I think it's great that now everyone sees you in those pretty dresses, just the way women belong!

Hans: Why Mulan, given up the cross-dressing I see?
Mulan: I only dressed as a man to save my father and rescue my country.
Hans: Well I think it’s great that now everyone sees you in those pretty dresses, just the way women belong!

Mulan: I can shoot missiles all the way to the freaking Southern Isles, you jerk! Hans: Not necessary, really, haha . . . um, next?

Mulan: I can shoot missiles all the way to the freaking Southern Isles, you jerk!
Hans: Not necessary, really, haha . . . um, next?

Next up the commander in chief who looks really nice with his shirt off (so some say) and sings the best song ever about being a man.  Uh, anyway, let’s get down to business and say hello to Li Shang.

Li Shang: I happen to like Mulan in her fighting gear!  We practice hitting each other all the time.  Shall I practice on you? Hans: Save if for the games . . . please.

Li Shang: I happen to like Mulan in her fighting gear! We practice hitting each other all the time. Shall I practice on you?
Hans: Save if for the games . . . please.  NEXT!

Our final interviews, at last!  Let’s hear some from the Hairland district, starting with Flynn Rider.

Hans: Greetiings, Mr. Rider.  You have quite a bit in common with Aladdin.  Both of you are thiefs, both of you married beautiful princesses to inherit their kingdoms . . . really, what did I do wrong? Flynn: Maybe the murder part.  Just a guess.  Hey, nice watch. Flynn: Why thank you . . . wait a minute.  Next!

Hans: Greetiings, Mr. Rider. You have quite a bit in common with Aladdin. Both of you are are lying thieves, both of you married beautiful princesses to inherit their kingdoms . . . really, what did I do wrong?
Flynn: Maybe the attempted murder part. Just a guess. Hey, nice watch.
Hans: Why thank you . . . wait a minute. Next!

Welcome Rapunzel, she of the really, really, really long hair . . . that she once had but now is short and brown.  Except when she apparently wears blond wigs to please the children cause let’s face it, that’s her whole calling card there, the hair.

Hans: Hello, Rapunzel.  Um, nice mom cut there. Rapunzel: I know, everyone loves the long blond stuff, but do you realize how much that stuff weight?  Or how much debris I pick up in a single day.  Once I caught a woodchuck. Hans: Nice.  Tell me, do you also have mom jeans? Rapunzel: No but I have a frying pan. Hans: Brown hair is a great look for you.

Hans: Hello, Rapunzel. Um, nice mom cut there.
Rapunzel: I know, everyone loves the long blond stuff, but do you realize how much that stuff weighs? Or how much debris I pick up in a single day. Once I caught a woodchuck.
Hans: Nice. Tell me, do you also have mom jeans?
Rapunzel: No but I have a frying pan.
Hans: Brown hair is a great look for you.

Hans: Well that, thank God, concludes our interviews folks.  Now for the fun stuff.  The killing . . . wait, where is my watch?

Hans: Well that, thank God, concludes our interviews folks. Now for the fun stuff. The killing . . . wait, where is my watch?

Hans: Hey, I want my watch back!  You poop-heads!

Hans: Hey, I want my watch back!   You poop-heads!

While Hans searches for his stolen property, let us wish luck to our candidates out there.  May the best, or sneakiest, person win.  You can still get your votes in to see 1) Who wins 2) Who bites it first . . . and second and third and so on . . .and 3) Just how deranged is Alice?  Here are some earlier votes:

List of X
I’m going to go with Team Mulan. Unlike many others in the Games, they both have had military training and know how to survive in the wilderness. Also, if I remember correctly, Mulan has a pet fire-breathing dragon (which she should make sure to keep away from Philip) which is great for reconnaissance and starting fires.
I’ll tell you how Cinderella is going to win – just before the games, a fairy godmother is going to show up and give Cindy some combat boots, an M-16 rifle with unlimited ammo, and a tank to ride to the arena. The only condition is that she’ll have to kill everyone before midnight.

1jade1
The one with the triplets, or the last one…sorry but I’m too lazy to keep them straight. Of course, they will probably go first.

ravinj
Merida or Mulan I predict will be finalists.

faithhopechocolate
I bet the winner will be someone quite unexpected. I’m betting Ariel will either die first or win.

Mental Mama
Personally, I’m rooting for the raccoon thing from Pocahontas. What the hell was his name…?

So we’ve got a couple votes in for Mulan and Merida, a possible win or death for Ariel, and the raccoon thing from Pocahontas.  There’s still time to get your guesses in before the games begin!  Winners will get Evil Squirrel’s Sparkly Pony from my last contest.  He doesn’t know he’s donated yet, but it just seems proper.  Or maybe just the knowledge that you, yes you, predicted who would massacre the most princes and princesses in a pretend contest on a silly blog.  You could put it on your resume!

See you soon.  And may the odds be forever in your favor.

 

 

The Measure of Science Fiction

Note: This post was originally a guest post on another blog in August of 2013.  In light of recent events, I wanted to publish it again, here.

There are many genres of literature.  Mainstream Fiction, Non-Fiction, Mystery, Romance, Horror, but only one genre that seems to be unilaterally mocked as silly, strange, and only for “geeks.”  That, of course, would be Science Fiction.  I know that when I was a child, to admit you liked science fiction was to seal your fate on the lowest rungs of the status ladder for all eternity, or till the end of high school, whichever came first.  God forbid anyone know you liked Star Wars, or Star Trek, or that you read the works of authors such as Isaac Asimov.

And yet, there is something about this genre that is special, unique.  Dictionary.com defines fiction in part as “the class of literature comprising works of imaginative narration, especially in prose form” but also as “an imaginary thing or event, postulated for the purposes of argument or exploration.”  Fiction lets us explore the real world through the lives of imaginary people.  We are transported to places many of us might never go in our lifetimes.  To France, to Africa, to Antartica.  We do not judge people who lose themselves in these works as “geeky.”

And yet – how is science fiction really different?  Science fiction explores both our world, and others.  Sometimes it is the world to come, sometimes it is another possible world, but generally it is about something that takes place in the future, whether centuries from now or just around the corner.  Science fiction, unlike any other genre, seeks to give a picture of a possible future, and in many cases, the chance to either become that future, or to prevent it.

One of the most famous, and most simultaneously beloved and maligned of science fiction programs is the Star Trek series.  It was created by Gene Roddenberry and the first episode “Where no Man has Gone before” aired in 1966.  Though ratings initially were poor, through letter writing the series was extended for three seasons.  But it did not die there.  Fans formed a convention in 1972, and these are still had today.  Later, after the success of science fiction films like Star Wars, Star Trek went to the silver screen.  Now a show that originally was doomed to failure has spanned 12 films, a cartoon, and five different series all based around the same concept.  Unlike many before him, Roddenberry saw a future in which there was hope.

But right now this is, as Phil Collins said, a land of confusion.  We have many problems we are still working out.  Science fiction is a place to bring attention to the problems, explore them, and possibly come to solutions.  In the original series, Roddenberry explored many issues taking place in the 1960s, a primary one being civil rights.  This is an issue that is far from settled, however.  While most consider people of color to be equal, there are still hold outs.  And there are still those who would deny rights to others, whether they be by gender, orientation, national origin, religion, or any number of other reasons.  We still have a long way to go.

I was inspired to write about this by an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, the second series produced in this line.  In this episode, The Measure of a Man, an android, known as Lt. Commander Data, is under trial to determine if he is property of Starfleet, the military-like futuristic space organization the people serve.  For a season and a half, the android Data has explored what it is to be human while serving on a starship as a member of the crew.  What makes someone sentient?  Further – what makes someone worthy or respect, of freedom of choice?  These questions come to a head in this episode when the captain, Picard, must prove Data is sentient in order to save him from dangerous experiments that would involve dismantling and possibly destroying the essence of the android’s experiences, or rather, his soul.

So many issues are explored in this episode.  It is not, in fact, just about an android, but about us.  The man who wants to disassemble Data wants to create hundreds just like him, or a race, basically, of androids.  As Picard considers his defense, he realizes that this has all been done before.  Once African Americans were deemed less than human, ¾ of a human to be specific, according to the Constitution at one time.  Since these people were less than human, it was permissible to enslave them.  Would a race of these androids also be enslaved? Can you exploit a machine?

It brings to mind issues from the near future as well.  Already we have cloned animals.  How long until we can clone entire humans?  If we are able to do so, will it be permissible to take from these clones organs in order to further our own existence?  Will these people be considered human like us?  What if we grow them without brains?  Scary, isn’t it?  And yet, possible given the right tools, the right knowledge, the right legislation.  Science and technology are often speeding ahead of morality.  Through science fiction, we can attempt to keep up.

And then there is today.  Today we seek legislation to deny people of the same gender the right to marry.  We seek legislation to deny women the right to choose whether to have their child or receive a safe abortion.  And we seek legislation to deny the right to vote to the poor and disadvantaged.  Are any of these groups of people unworthy of rights?  If so, why?

Here is a clip from the show in which Picard successfully advocates for Data’s right to choose his own future.  It is all very good, but pay careful attention starting at around the 3:30 mark.  He demonstrates how it is our laws that determine the liberties of those around us.  And at 4:18, Picard says, “Your honor, Starfleet was founded to seek out new life.  Well there it SITS!”

Patrick Stewart, who plays Picard in this series, delivers this line so passionately that I dare you to not be moved by his words.  So after all of this, I ask you, am I a geek for liking science fiction?  Is science fiction worthless?  I’m not demanding you enjoy it.  I don’t enjoy all of it, and there are certainly some other genres I am not particularly fond  of, yet I do not consider them silly, or trivial, or just for “geeks.”  Science fiction is for everyone.  It explores the past, the present, and the future in ways that make us question our values, our morals, in a time of extraordinary change.  It’s important.  And it is not just for geeks.

Disney Hunger Games: The Interviews Part Two with t2

Disclaimer to the disclaimer: The following words, opinions, and creative forms of grammar are that of Thing 2 and Thing 2 alone.  Alice had nothing to do with it.  She swears.  Now for Thing Two:

Before we start i would just like to note: Hans is a brony but no one knew, and i have no problem with that and neither should you,bronies are NOT gay, people can like what they like and there is no one to stop you and no one should judge anyone that way, its bloody america the only way to stop someone is the bloody law and if you are a brony or like “girl things” don’t be afraid to be yourself and stand up for people, no one can tell you no….you are your own person and they are just a heartless (kingdom hearts reference!) thank you for your time

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                -T2

see! if girls can like ponies than so can boys! and anna agrees!

see! if girls can like ponies than so can boys! and anna agrees!

                                                                                        ——————          ♥     T    ♣   2   ♠       —————

Welcome welcome to more interviews (with thing two!) As i continue to be young and adorable while i typedy type type on mom’s computer, Hans

continues the evil plan. Not many changes have happened, lets recap our last interviews!

Prince p and Aurora

ariel the non mermaid and stupid eric

bella belle and beast

merida and her wee little devil brothers

All the way from the Southern Isles, it's Hans - out on probation!

All the way from the Southern Isles, it’s Hans

Hans: welcome back to the hunger games interviews! Today we will interview the following:

Snow and prince dude

Kristoff and Anna

John smith and Poco

Prince charming and Cindy

Peter pan and Tinkerbell

sora and riku

(i wish i could add sora and riku from kingdom hearts but mom would not allow it)

Hans: Ok now here is our first interview of the day, everyone welcome…… Cinderella!

Hans: so welcome to the show cinder! do you look familar..... cindy: oh your like my rebel dress? i can't belive i was brave anof to show my clean...hairless...beatiful..... hans: ohhhhh okay now lest not get to wild,next!

Hans: so welcome to the show cinder!
do you look familiar…..
Cindy: oh your like my rebel dress? I can’t belive I was brave enough to show my fabulous legs!
Hans: ohhhhh okay now lest not get to wild,next!

Hans: so tell me anna do you hhave any love intrests? Anna:it's none of your busniess sicko

Hans: so tell me anna do you hhave any love interests?
Anna:it’s none of your busniess sicko

well it looks like Hans is playing hook line and sinker….but anna is not taking the bait.

Hans: so kristzofs kris: its kristoff Hans well merry krismas! HAHAHaa? kris: its not funny hans: whoops, heh sorry

Hans: so kristzofs
Kris: its kristoff
Hans: well merry krismas! HAHAHaa?
Kris: it’s not funny
Hans: whoops, heh sorry

kris: NO ONE CALLS ME KRIZOFF!!!! hans: THIS is a bittt too accseesive!!!

Kris: NO ONE CALLS ME KRIZOFF!!!!
Hans: THIS is a bittt too excessive!

Up next uhh……Prince kit…charming…whatever you want to call him

Hans: so charming, tell me a bit about yourself.... pc:Ohhh uh i     like shoes? hans:okay then thats intresting next!

Hans: so charming, tell me a bit about yourself….
P.C.:Ohhh uh i like shoes?
Hans:okay then that’s interesting next!

now its the one and only neverlandian….. PETER PAN!

Hans: whoa peter, what in arendell happed to you? peter: i steped on tink and she turned me tiny and made me look like an elf that kills chickens HAns: well that sucks

Hans: whoa peter, what in arendell happed to you?
Peter: I steped on tink and she turned me tiny and made me look like an *elf that kills chickens
Hans: well that sucks

hans: peter can you please get out from under the couch? peter: not unless you give me a triangle cracker!!! hans: how about a gingerbread house? peter: deal.

Hans: peter can you please get out from under the couch?
peter: not unless you give me a triangle cracker!!!
Hans: how about a gingerbread house?
peter: deal.

up next……… Tinkerbell!

Hans: uhh hi? tink: don't ask buster or i'll fairy dust you butt to the wall

Hans: uhh hi?
tink: don’t ask buster or I’ll fairy dust you butt to the wall

up now is……*drumroll*……Pocahontas!

Hans: so poco how will you plan to win? poco: i plan to not use violance but.....

Hans: so poco how will you plan to win?
Poco: i plan to go if i have to but…..

but..i gave birth to the son of the sun god Hans:uh sorry poco, but we all know what your doing poco: dangnabit poco:UHHH i mean.....ohfolled again?

but..i gave birth to the son of the sun god
Hans:uh sorry poco, but we all know what you’re doing
poco: dangnabit
Poco:UHHH i mean…..ohfolled again?

next is the adventurer and poco’s loved husband (lets pretend the sequel NEVER happened)

hans: so john how do you plan to win the games? john:oh i plan to use my awesome strengh and dramatic posing! hans: you sound so much like your wife! you guys must be a POWER couple!

Hans: so john how do you plan to win the games?
John :oh i plan to use my awesome strength and dramatic posing!
Hans: you sound so much like your wife! you guys must be a POWER couple!

now we interview prince dude!

Hans: so dude do you have any hobbies that you would like to share dude: i like to kiss -derp- Hans: oh thats nnice... dude:their lips are soooo hans:OOOOK TIM next!

Hans: so dude do you have any hobbies that you would like to share
dude: i like to kiss -derp-
Hans: oh thats nnice…
dude:their lips are soooo
hans:OOOOK TMI next!

up next following her super weird and bloody dumb husband….SNOW WHITE!

Snow:OH HIIIIIIII MY NAME IS…. Hans: hello mrs.white, so how are you planning to win the games? snow: OHHHH im not planing to cause violence, I’m going to SING my way out! Hans:well good luck with that

well that’s all for today folks! make sure to leave a comment to vote for who you think should win! (i still think sora and riku should TOTALLY be in the games) and no butts were harmed in the making of this post, or Hans.

stay tuned for PART 3!

anna says to continue watching for part 3! she loves you as much as she loves the plushies in my room :3

Anna says to continue watching for part 3! she loves you as much as she loves the plushies in my room :3

*and here is a little something for people who found out who peter and tink REALLY are

Dear Current Husband

I suppose you’ve probably heard that annoyingly catchy “Dear Future Husband” by Meghan Trainor, she of the “All about the Bums” fame.  Okay, so I’ve listened to this song dozens of times already (I TOLD you it was catchy) and I was thinking, hey, I have a few things to say to my CURRENT husband.  So I made up some of my own lyrics.  They don’t necessarily have rhyme or rhythm, but I guarantee they make at least as much sense as hers do.

Here’s the video to get the beat, in case you somehow managed to miss hearing this song.

Dear Current Husband

Here’s a few things

You’ll need to know if

You want to live

Another 16 years in peace.

***

Take me on a date

Pretend you think it’s great

I’ll try not to forget our anniversary

Cause if you treat me right

I’ll be a decent wife

I’ll remember next time

About your birthday and all that

Oh wait, not that one . . .

Oh wait, not that one . . .

You got a 7 to 3:30

But I got 8 to 5

That means you get a teensy bit of precious free time

So it’s only fair you cook

You know that I can’t cook.

But I can check out books, yeah I check out books

***

You gotta attempt to treat me like a lady

Even though I’m always crazy

Tell me everything’s alright

***

Dear Current Husband

Here’s a few things you should know by now

To keep your wife from having a big cow

Turn off “Pickers” and listen

***

Dear Current Husband

If you want some lovin’

Remember to play old Alan Alda shows

****

After fixing cars

Try to clean it up

And maybe then I won’t freak out because the yard is

covered by so many parts

Not to mention oil.  And all those blasted tools.

How many do you need?  Really, how many do you need?

Yeah, pretty much all of this is in our front lawn.

Yeah, pretty much all of this is in our front lawn.

You gotta know to pretend that I’m a lady

Yeah I know I’m really crazy

Just tell me everything’s alright

***

Dear Current Husband

Here’s a few more things

You need to know if you want to live

16 more years of mostly peace

***

Dear Current Husband

Make time for me

Don’t leave me lonely

And know you sometimes have to talk to me

***

Please stop snoring on the left side of the bed (hey)

And take the kids away and you might get some kisses

Don’t leave them in the woods

They’ll just find their way back

Forget about big rings

I want a va-cay-tion

They just keep coming back.  But it's harder if you're farther away.  Like on vacation.

They just keep coming back. But it’s harder if you’re farther away. Like on vacation.

Okay you know that I’m not much of a lady

And I usually am crazy

But tell me everything’s alright

***

Dear Current Husband

There’s so many more things

You need to know if you want to be

My husband till we fight in wheelchairs

***

Dear Current Husband

Though you do drive me nuts, I really do love you

Just say I’m beautiful, like, out loud

Current Husband, we can make this work!

***

Thank you, current husband, for 16 and a half years (see I’m not that late).  I love you.

Please clean up the driveway

Disney Hunger Games: The Interviews Part One

Sorry for the delay, but the Game Makers have not exactly been concentrating on their duties. (Click to enlarge photos)

The Game Makers have been a little distracted.  Are you surprised it's them?

Are you surprised it’s them?

Anyway, after some quick wardrobe changes with their stylists – Elsa and the Fairy Godmother were worked pretty hard – it is time for the customary pre-game interviews.

First, let me introduce to your our host!

All the way from the Southern Isles, it's Hans - out on probation!

All the way from the Southern Isles, it’s Hans – out on probation!

First up for an interview is Prince Eric from the Atlantis District.  Let’s see what questions Hans has for him.

Hans: Nice to meet you Eric.  How are you enjoying things so far? Eric: Oh, it's really nice up here.  Great seafood. Don't tell Ariel.

Hans: Nice to meet you Eric. How are you enjoying things so far?
Eric: Oh, it’s really nice up here. Great seafood. Don’t tell Ariel.

Ariel: Eric, Eric! Eric: She knows!

Ariel: Eric, Eric!
Eric: She knows!

Hans: Uhh, Ariel, nice to meet you too . . . why are you wearing your wedding dress? Ariel: Because Eric and I were going to get married . . . before . . . the games.  Sob.

Hans: Uhh, Ariel, also from the Atlantis district – nice to meet you too . . . why are you wearing your wedding dress?
Ariel: Because Eric and I were going to get married . . . before . . . the games. Sob.

Hans: Haven't you two been married a while now?  I mean - I saw the rip in Eric's clothes. They don't even fit him. Ariel: Umm . . . no . . . . no just getting married.  It's horrible!

Hans: Haven’t you two been married a while now? I mean – I saw the rip in Eric’s clothes. They don’t even fit him.  And a wedding is not getting you out of the games.
Ariel: Crap.

Next up is Princess Aurora from the Narcolepsy District.

aurora interview1

Hans: Aurora, lovely to meet you. That’s a beautiful dress.    Aurora: Yes, but the fairies couldn’t decide on the color. Pink, blue, pink, blue. I see that in my nightmares you know? Pink or blue? Pink or blue?  It’s exhausting!

Hans: So what skills do you think you'll bring to . . . um, highness? Aurora: zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Hans: So what skills do you think you’ll bring to . . . um, highness?
Aurora: zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

After unloading Aurora from the couch, it was the second tribute from Narcolepsy, Prince Phillip’s, turn.

Hans: Prince Phillip, welcome.  I hear you once killed a dragon.  Do you think that gives you an edge? Phillip: Yeah.  A sharp one.

Hans: Prince Phillip, welcome. I hear you once killed a dragon. Do you think that gives you an edge?
Phillip: Yeah. A sharp one.

Moving on. Next on the hot seat are tributes from the French-ish district, starting with Belle.

Hans: Welcome, Belle.  Uh . . . Belle.  Do you - think your team will win? Belle: I'm reading. Hans: But the book doesn't even have any pictures.

Hans: Welcome, Belle. Uh . . . Belle. Do you – think your team will win?
Belle: I’m reading.
Hans: But the book doesn’t even have any pictures.

After Belle finished her chapter, it was Beast’s turn.

Hans: So - Prince . . . Beast?  Those claws should come in handy in the games. Beast: My name is  Adam.  And I am totally suing that enchantress. Hans: But everyone knows you're cooler as the Beast.

Hans: So – Prince . . . Beast? Those claws should come in handy in the games.
Beast: My name is
Adam. And I am totally suing that enchantress.
Hans: But everyone knows you’re cooler as the Beast.

My life sucks.

Beast: My life sucks.

And now time for the last interviews of the day : welcome the Clan Du -whatever district.  First up is Merida.

Hans: Merida, tell me about yourself. Merida: I AM MERIDA, FIRST BORN DESCENDENT OF CLAN DUNBROCH!

Hans: Merida, tell me about yourself.
Merida: I AM MERIDA, FIRST BORN DESCENDENT OF CLAN DUNBROCH!

Elinor: Get away from my daughter!  I can be a reaaaal mother bear! Merida: Muuum, yer embarrasing meee! Hans: Security!

Elinor: Get away from my daughter! I can be a reaaaal mother bear!
Merida: Muuum, yer embarrasing meee!
Hans: Security!

Next up are the triplet tributes, Hammock, Hammich, and Hummus . . . or . . . whatever their names are.

Hans: They're bears. Are we serious?  Are we really doing this?

Hans: They’re bears. Are we serious? Are we really doing this?

Triplets: Hiiiiii!  Got any porridge? Hans: Will someone get the three bears here off my lap?

Triplets: Hiiiiii! Got any porridge?
Hans: Will someone get the three bears here off my lap?

Hans: Seriously . . . now they're just staring at me.  And licking their lips.  Anyone?

Hans: Seriously . . . now they’re just staring at me. And licking their lips. Anyone?

Merida: Oh, dear, my bad!  They'll be back to normal soon!  I hope. Hans: I should have stayed in prison.

Merida: Oh, dear, my bad! They’ll be back to normal soon! I hope.
Hans: I should have stayed in prison

Hans: Well that's all for today, but stay tuned for the rest of the interviews.  After the Beast and those bears I need some freaking Zyrtec.

Hans: Well that’s all for today, but stay tuned for the rest of the interviews. After the Beast and those bears I need some freaking Zyrtec.

Still 9 districts left to go!  How will interviews go with the others?  Anna?  Aladdin?  Mulan?  Those other guys?  Will we get to the killing and stuff already?  Stay tuned.

. . . . . To be continued.  These posts may last as long as the movies!

Disney Hunger Games!

The Things and I were playing with Disney dolls and they decided to bring in the Hunger Games dolls.  An idea was born.  Intro by Thing One.

The Disney world was enjoying their happily-ever-afters when a new corrupted Disney executive came up with the idea of having the royalty fight to the death to bring back their popularity and get more money for the Disney Empire.  Now the princes and princesses (mostly) find themselves facing life or death as they are chosen to fight in the new Disney Hunger Games.  There can be only one survivor.

Tributes

District of Arendelle

kristoff and anna

Kristoff and Anna

Pro: Kristoff can cut ice and command a reindeer.  Anna can punch.

Con: Both are so gosh darn adorkable.

District of French-ish town

ballroom scene beauty

Belle and Beast

Pro: Beast can toss around wolves.  Belle has book smarts

Con: Beast is confused because he was a prince then a beast then a prince then a beast again. Belle might trip over ballgown.

District of Neverland

peter and tinkerbelle

Peter Pan and Tinkerbell

Pro: Peter can fly and sword fight.  Tinkerbell can fly and is willing to murder her competition.

Con: Peter will never grow up.  Tinkerbell can be taken out by saying “I don’t believe in fairies.”

District of Appleton

snow white three

Snow White and Prince Dude

Pro: Snow White can summon cute animal creatures.  Prince Dude can wake dead with kiss power.

Con: Snow White is the most gullible person in the universe.  Prince Dude is kinda creepy.

District of Narcolepsy

sleeping beauty

Phillip and Aurora

Pro: Aurora can also summon woodland creatures.  Phillip can fight a freaking dragon.

Con: Aurora is very sleepy.  Phillip had to have fairy help with the dragon.

District of China-ish town

mulan and li shang picture

Mulan and Li Shang

Pro: Mulan and Li Shang can kick butt

Con: Their sequel sucked.

District of Blue Corn Moon

john smith and pocahontas

Pocahontas and John Smith

Pro: John Smith can jump off ships and climb mountains.  Pocahontas has leaf powers.

Con: John Smith got taken out with one little bullet.  Pocahontas steals cubs from bears.

District of Agrabah

aladdin and jasmine1

Aladdin and Jasmine

Pro: Aladdin familiar with running for his life.  Jasmine can act.

Con:   Jasmine can’t even grocery shop.  Aladdin lies and steals and – wait that’s a pro.

District of Atlantis

mermaid boat ride

Ariel and Eric

Pro: Ariel is willing to risk lives for her own cause.  Eric can impale a sea witch.

Con: Ariel still mastering the walking, talking thing.  Eric is cute but falls for hypnosis way too easily.

District of Clan Dunbroch

merida and brothers

Merida and Triplet brothers (count as one)

Pro: Merida can kick butt.  Triplets can cause havoc.

Con: Merida not the most strategic planner (mom becomes bear).  Triplets can cause havoc.

District of Disneyland Kingdom

cinderella bachelorette

Cinderella and Charming

Pro: Cinderella can handle a broom and command mice and birds.  Charming can, um, dance well?

Con: Cinderella is way too nice.  Charming can’t figure out his dream girl without a shoe.

District of Hairland

rapunzel and flynn

Rapunzel and Flynn

Pro: Rapunzel good with a frying pan.  Flynn familiar with running for his life.

Con: Rapunzel obsessed with lanterns.  Flynn lies and steals and – wait that’s a pro right?

Who will go out first?  And how?  Will the couples kill each other?  Who will form the first alliances?  And most importantly – who will be the one survivor?
Please give your guesses in the comments below.  They are as good as ours.
                                                               . . . To be continued . . .

My Things in Song: Thing One

Ah, irony.  Once I had published Thing Two’s post, I realized that I would now have to think up a song for Thing One.  Oh oh.  I should have thought that song thing out better.  What if I couldn’t think of one for Thing One?  What if I was too lazy to think up one for Thing One, kind of like how I was too messed up with a four-year-old and a baby to make a proper baby book for Thing Two like the massive scrapbook I did for her sister, a fact she has never let me forget.  (No matter, she has started filling in her own baby book with magic marker.  If something needs doing, Thing Two does it).

Hey, how come MY books ends with

Hey, how come MY book ends with “She was born on June 10th?”

But I digress.  This is about Thing One, the first, the guinea pig, the one  you supposedly get all this parenting experience with so the second one is easier. Hahahahaha.  Yeah, you might as well adopt a daisy and then a rottweiler and expect the two to involve the same care.  This is not to say I think my eldest is a plant and my youngest is a guard dog.  It’s just a comparison.  I can say when a baby and toddler my eldest stayed still like a daisy.  She liked it in her little secure pot of dirt.  And she was super quiet and cute, like a daisy.  In fact, she didn’t really talk for three years, relying on the occasional scream or look of annoyance to get you to do her bidding.  Everything good will eventually come to you, that was Thing One’s child model.  There is no reason to go grab a gallon of milk and haul it across the room at two (hello Thing Two), magical mother or some big human will do that for you.  Just wait.  Also, diapers are awesome.  Heck with that potty.

Does mom really think that's going to work?  Pffffft.

Does mom really think that’s going to work? Pffffft.

Now that I’ve surely embarrassed the poor – good gravy – 15-year-old – I will say that Thing One has changed.  For one thing, no more diapers!  Though she has entered puberty, which, she claims, is kinda like going back there, what with having to wear certain things for that one time of the month we will not discuss.  Nor will be discuss anything else about puberty, because if you don’t think about it, chances are it might just go away.  There is always hope.

As it turns out, the teen years are not like the shows on Disney.  Thank goodness.

As it turns out, the teen years are not like the shows on Disney. Thank goodness.

But while she doesn’t like a lot of the physical changes that come with growing up, she is definitely growing up.  That mind of hers, much like her sister’s, was always working.  It’s just that we don’t always hear it all at once.  She spends a lot of time in her own little world thinking.  Maybe a little too much time thinking, as she’s told me it’s hard to shut off and go to sleep.  Sorry kid, you came by it honestly.  Yet she continues to amaze me with her insight, her empathy, and her sense of self.  Both girls have more of that than I do now.  She knows what she believes, and she goes through with it.  When another kid was being picked on by a friend, she protested it.  That took a lot of guts.  She also told other kids in her class (we’re in Bible Belt Texas) that she’s a Democrat.  That took guts too, and possibly a bit of masochism.

I did not dress her in political baby clothes.  I swear.

I did not dress her in political baby clothes. I swear.

Both kids are into politics, and have been since they were very young.  Part of this is because many parents around here have decided it’d be awesome to talk about the President of the United States in not-so-nice-and-respectful terms.  Even though they surely didn’t know what Republican or Democrat really meant when little, they knew what MEAN meant, and they didn’t like it.  Thing One asked me if what they said about Obama was true.  So we looked some things up.  And she bought a children’s biography of the President.  And she not only read it, she schooled her classmates on it.

“NO HE WAS NOT BORN IN KENYA IT WAS HAWAII FOR THE LAST TIME!”

See Thing One fact check.

See Thing One fact check.

Alas, it does little good.  But it doesn’t stop her from trying, or from being herself.  Like Thing Two, she dresses the way she wants, and she wears her hair the way she wants (even when Mommy desperately wants to pull it back in a pretty clip).  She isn’t a social butterfly like her sister, but she’s no recluse either.  She can fit in when she wants to – it’s just that she often doesn’t really care about social graces.  What she does care about is social justice.  She wants peace, though she finds it a bit much that everyone in Star Trek really gets along so awesomely (I do too).  She cares about the poor and disadvantaged, she believes in equality, in kindness, and while she is strong in her Christian faith, she does not just take it in blindly.  She reads, she thinks, she discusses.  And she applies, such as when her father said there was nothing wrong with being uber-rich.

“It’s easier for a camel to get through the eye of a needle than a rich man to get into Heaven,” she told him while I secretly made a “YES” fist pump in the background.

Ooooh snap!

Ooooh snap!

And so this is why the song I chose for Thing One is “Rhythm Nation”, a Janet Jackson song that happens to also be one of her favorites.  It’s a good choice, because who can forget that awesome music video with Janet getting down in that military-like dance?  It’s still fun to watch today.  And it’s wonderful to watch my Thing One grow up.

“With music by our side
To break the color lines
Let’s work together
To improve our way of life
Join voices in protest
To social injustice
A generation full of courage
Come forth with me”

I love you, Thing One.

Mommy

My Things in Song: Thing Two

On Wednesday, my Thing Two, my baby, turned 11.  Yup.  I’d feel old at this moment, except that her sister, Thing One (I am so creative with names), will next Wednesday turn . . . egad . . . 15.  That should not be possible as I’m pretty sure I’m younger than Thing One, maturity wise anyway.

They grow so fast

They grow so fast.

But that’s okay, because as they say, kids keep you young.  Or just drive you so insane you think you’re young, and so you do stupid stuff like try to jump on a trampoline when only part of you actually jumps with you, and other things, like your thighs, just don’t move at all.  And you look silly.  But your kids still like it.  Well so far they do.   I’ve only managed to really embarrass Thing Two by singing “Under the Sea” as loud as possible while she exited the car to go to school.  Yes, I have all the lines to almost every Disney song memorized.  Be afraid, children.

Under de seaaaaaaaaaaa!

Under de seaaaaaaaaaaa!

Anyhoo, I didn’t get a post done on her birthday, so I decided to do something different and think up a song that reminds me of each Thing.  I thought of several different ones with Thing Two.  “You Crack me Up”, and “She Drives Me Crazy”, among them.  But really, the best one, and the one that will probably make her give me that “You are a terrible mother and I’m moving to that orphanage in Oliver Twist” is “MmmBop”.

Do you wanna sing some MMMMBOOOOPPP?

Do you wanna sing some MMMMBOOOOPPP?

Why this song?  Because it’s perfect that’s why.  It’s sung by precociously talented children, is nonsensical and goofy, and if played long enough makes me want to climb a wall.  On the other hand, it’s also insanely catchy, happy-go-lucky, cheers me up, and makes me want to jump-dance like the Peanuts gang.  Sometimes we join hands and all do it together.

Thing Two has been a handful since the beginning – a handful of love and crazy.  She climbed tables and cabinets to eat bananas (through the peel sucking out the fruit like a monkey) before she was a year old.  And as I’ve said before, she taught me that super glue is not poisonous, though probably not good for your tooth enamel.  Nothing like walking by and seeing a tube of the stuff with tooth marks in it.

Now imagine TEETH MARKS.

Now imagine TEETH MARKS.

She’s the only baby I’ve ever known who growled at me when she didn’t get her way.  Playpens, baby swings, and any restraining device was of the devil.  Naps were for sissies, like Mommy.  She always wanted to be “in the middle” which meant sister did not get to sit by Mommy, only Thing Two.  “IN DE MIDDLE!” was so familiar, I had to get Thing One up first so we’d have some time to sit together.

IN DE MIDDLE!

IN DE MIDDLE!

She had definite favorites from the very beginning.  Penguins were especially high on the list for years.  I know every breed of penguin – there are like 19.  Who knew?  She loves what she loves, and doesn’t care what anyone else thinks about it.  For quite a while she dressed like a living Rainbow Bright doll, but that was her style.  She likes being weird, and that’s awesome.  Now her favorite things range from Minecraft, Star Wars, and Legend of Zelda to My Little Pony and Disney dolls.  She also happens to be my most social child.  The majority of my phone calls are her friends calling my phone since my Thing is the last child on earth without her own cell phone.

Hey, wanna play Super Smash Brothers?

No cell?  Does your Mom like live in 1982, dude?

She’s artistic, a hilarious and fabulous author, a computer and camera wiz (here Mom it’s like this) and a loving friend to almost anybody.  I’m sure I’m leaving things out, because there is so much to Thing Two, that you can’t stick it in one package.  The last 11 years have been a crazy roller-coaster ride, and I expect that to continue.  She’s nothing like her sister – she’s nothing like anyone I know.  And I can’t wait to see how she grows.

Plant a seed, plant a flower, plant a rose
You can plant any one of those
Keep planting to find out which one grows
It’s a secret no one knows

Time has passed so quickly since I had a gave birth to a screaming baby with black Don King Hair and bright red skin.  Now she’s trying so hard to grow up as fast as possible.  I hope she doesn’t try too hard.

Off to work, Mom.

Off to work, Mom.

In an mmmbop they’re gone
In an mmmbop they’re not there
In an mmmbop they’re gone
In an mmmbop they’re not there

Love you, Thing Two

Mommy

Great Ebay Finds!

Ebay really is like the world’s biggest garage sale- but with a twist.  I mean, generally speaking you won’t have someone at a garage sale trying to sell you something for 10,000 dollars or more, but with Ebay there really is no limit.  Even if it’s total crap.  Oh, there are some really nice finds on Ebay, if you look hard enough.  But I’m not here to talk about those, of course.  I’m here to talk about the crap, cause that’s what I do.

Since I collect Disney dolls, most of this stuff will be related to dolls, figurines, etc.  So keep in mind that this is barely scratching the surface of crap.  There’s loads more of it.  I need a new metaphor.

Anyway, here’s just five of my favorite Ebay finds, just in case anyone has a kid (or an immature adult) with a birthday coming up in June.  Like say my Things and me.  Not that I want anyone to get me a birthday gift.  Yes I do. I want this.  You should be able to swing it with no problem.

Anybody got any spare change?

Anybody got any spare change?

I will say that one of my lovely readers DID give me a gift, just because she loves me.  Unlike the rest of you. :)

Meet Ringo Starr, and his basket of goodies.

Meet Ringo Starr, and his basket of goodies.

Mental Mama gave me everything but the bunny, who I dressed up with the fabulous blue bangs to look like Ringo from the Beatles.  He says the cocoa is FABULOUS.  But enough of that stuff, let’s get to the gifts that are guaranteed to make your recipients notice!

OOAK dolls (One-of-a-kind)

I’ve recently discovered the world of OOAK dolls, and may I say, I’m impressed.  Many people have great talent and easily turn out works of art much better than the original Disney molds, especially if you’re talking about dog-faced, measles infected Rapunzel.  Then there are the other ones.

1. Bride of Chuckie

First off, here is the before picture.

Clearly this girl needs some work!

Clearly this girl needs some work!

and the AFTER PICTURE . . .

I look at this and OMG OMG OMG OMG!

I look at this and OMG OMG OMG OMG!

I’m pretty sure I saw this doll staring at me last night.  All night long.  Just in case that one didn’t frighten you, here’s another picture of her for future nightmares.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Eeeeeeeeeeevilllllllllllllllllllllllllll

Thing Two just informed me she’s apparently the sister of Balloon Boy (Balloon Girl???) from the jump-scare horror game “Five Nights at Freddie’s”,  and for only 150 dollars!  Just look at the resemblance!  And by all means, do not lose power in your house.

Oh hi there dolly ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Come playyyy with meeee.

2. Amputation and a Haircut, 2 bits

My kids were performing this artwork at a very young age.

My kids were performing this artwork at a very young age.

This doll was actually tagged as an OOAK because of her new haircut that absolutely wasn’t done by a young child or anything.  Oh and the added headband.  There are a few warnings given – in creative story form! –

“This Disney Tangled Barbie Doll got tired of her Tangled Hair so she got a Custom Cut!  She now has a cute, short, asymmetric bangs layered cut that can be held back by her purple headband.  She has such a sweet face!  Her arms move both back and forth and out to the sides.  Her legs are jointed at the knee, but she did have an accident….fell out of her tower (as she had no long hair to climb down :))….and sustained a right leg below knee amputation!  Her broken off leg is included, so the new owner can glue it back on if desired.  She does have a tiny, manufacturing “beauty mark” dot at the base of her neck as seen in the photos.  She may have very light playwear marks.  She comes dressed in her purple dress with pretty lace around the neckline.  Please view all photos carefully!”

Hey, honey, here’s Rapunzel.  What happened?  Oh, the evil witch cut off all her hair and pushed her out of her tower and her leg came completely off – why are you crying?

Tenderly Used

Speaking of amputations, these are the dolls or figurines that just need a little bit of good old TLC.  And super glue.  And likely a trash bin.

3. “Let it go” does not mean body parts

Elsa broken hand foot etc

Just a couple of items missing . . .

What’s fun about this one is that the seller didn’t bother to include the hand or the foot, so there’s no gluing back, not like with Rapunzel who could have had her lower leg glued back on.  She’d never bend her knee again, but with custom hair like that, who can complain?  But what I love the most is the explanation of the ornament’s condition.

Item has broken hands and missing foot – a beautiful ornament at a discount price!

Did they take a dollar off for each missing appendage?

4. Non-Singing Singing Doll

I thought only Ariel was dumb enough to give up her voice!

I thought only Ariel was dumb enough to give up her voice!

Now this is a prize.  Sure she’s a singing doll that doesn’t, you know, technically sing.  And her arm is broken.  And it looks like her one usable arm was stuck in a light socket cause that hair be freakin’.  But other than that, I see no reason not to spend 26 dollars on her, do you?  Bargain price.

Boxes.  Just the Boxes.

5. No, really, take a look.

Doll not included.

Doll not included.

I”d heard of people selling dolls without the boxes, but boxes without the dolls?  If they’re special limited edition boxes, yes, people will pay for only the box!  And they’ll pay more for the boxes than for most dolls.  Good news for babies who have mastered their I-Pads.  They can finally get their favorite thing for Christmas!  But watch out for the collectors!

Well that’s all for now, kiddies, but let me just leave you with one little thing.  It’s under the desk.  Take a peek.

Come on, it’s okay.

Just one look.

Don’t be a fraidy cat.

Do it.

She's watching you.

She’s watching you.

Yeah you should really never listen to me.  Or go on Ebay. Scary stuff out there.  I’m waiting for “Five Nights on Ebay” to hit the video game shelves any day now.  And yes, she’ll be there.

 

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