The Blob

You may have heard of The Blob.  It’s an old horror flick about, well, a blob that goes around sucking people into it.  There are several iterations of the same villain, such as The Creeping Terror, which was so scary that the actors would willingly help out by climbing into it.  But the Blob I’m talking about is like me, cause that’s how I feel when I have little energy but am still expected to do things.

Meet Blob.

Blob is the result of years of art class. Say “Hi!” Blob.

I spent a while thinking of what color to make Blob.  First I considered black, but I’m not that far gone, and Blob is not emo, just blobby.  So then I considered other colors like yellow (too sunshiny), brown (too poopy), red (too bloody), pink (too frilly), and gray (too bland).  I finally settled on lavender, cause it looks grayish, but with bits of purple trying to poke out.

I don’t feel that sad most of the time now.  I know I can do things, heck I even make plans sometimes to do the things.  But then this inertia sets in and my body says “Haha brain, yeah we like sitting.”  An object at rest tends to stay at rest, especially if said object is me, and it doesn’t really have anywhere it HAS to go other than dropping and picking Things (ie children) up at school.  So after said chore is done in the morning, it’s easy to drop back into bed, but not easy to get out.  So I sort of have to slime my way.  Here it is in four simple steps.

The key is sliming out slowly. Yes that’s a bed he’s sliming out of.

I used a similar method for getting out of bed when I was very sick with pneumonia. I’m not that sick now, though I am getting over yet another respiratory infection and the antibiotics that treat it by making me all nauseous.  But really, this was happening before any other physical cause.  So I’m thinking blob might be a slight lack of motivation on my part.

I can blob my way to the kitchen, sliming around, grabbing a bowl I keep clean, avoiding the pile of dirty dishes, and then sliming back to my computer where I do important business.  Like surfing the internet or drawing blob pictures.  But inevitably I will need to do something like say – those dishes.  Or the laundry. Or get those groceries.  Or maybe try to join a gym because I am very out of shape and exercise gives you energy, right, if you can get enough energy to do it!  The gym is, literally, one block away from me.  And it’s open 24 hours a day.

But it’s never that simple!  You can’t go to gym until you have clothes to wear to the gym.  So you slime over and wash clothes.  And yay you have a shirt, an exercise squeeze-you-too-tight bra and yoga pants that show all the wrong curves!  Great.  Missing just one thing.  Something you really ought to have a lot of no matter what you do.

Where is the UNDERWEAR???

It is really bad for me to lose something important like underwear, especially when it is really hard to find underwear that fits right.  As of late, it has been harder than buying jeans, and nothing should be harder than that.  So I tried on type after type  until finally finding one with no elastic in the waistband at all (as it should be) and of course they don’t have my size, which is monster size according to Wal-Mart.  Keep in mind I wore a size 8 when I was 5’7″ and 130 lbs.  That is considered X-large right there.  I have to wonder what really obese people wear, cause while overweight, I still consider myself relatively normal.  I guess they have to follow Babar the elephant.

This is where I am heading.

I don’t want to have to go to the Big Store with Babar.  I don’t trust stores that let in elephants who steal the purses of old ladies.  So that means I must try to not get any bigger.  Or blobbier.  So after all that laundry and underwear searching (Alice does not go commando), I am way too exhausted to think about the gym.  I’ve also worked up an appetite.

Speaking of appetites, another thing I could do to improve energy is to not eat so much not nutritious food.  They say eating healthy (green) things makes you have more energy, or some such nonsense.  So I make a pledge to find out what food constitutes healthy that I can force myself to eat.  This lasts five minutes until my husband brings home Cocoa Crispies cereal.  Really?  What was I supposed to do?  They were THERE.

NOMMMMMMMM!

So I have these two creatures I have to face: motivation and self-control.  You might have met these two before if you’ve read my blog in the past.  They have names.

Pony sat on my motivation.

 

Squirrel has amazing self-control. He only ate 500 nuts this morning before puking.

I’ve been slightly blobby for a while now, but I always had somewhere I had to be in the past.  Someone to check to make sure I was not blobbing 24/7.  I don’t have a parent or a boss standing over me now, so that someone is going to have to be – yikes – me?  They say pick a friend and ask that friend to hold you accountable for doing stuff, but yeah, I don’t have a lot of friends, and those I do have I don’t dislike that much.  Also some of them have blob issues as well.

Have any advice for blobs?  Feel free to offer it in the comments below!  I will slime over and read them – eventually!

 

~Alice

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Putting the “Dis” back in Disability

Am over at Merbear’s site today . . . come see!

Merbear's World

I’ve had difficulty writing lately, but I’ve been told I should get past this by just throwing something out there on paper, sort of like a Jackson Pollock painting.  My problem is that I am a bit of a perfectionist – no really – even my booger posts must have just the right amount of snot in them or I’m just all out of sorts.  Will someone laugh at booger, or should I try loogie, or snot wad?  These are the questions of a humor writer.

You could say I’ve had a somewhat difficult year.  Or several years?  Time just flies!  Just the other day I was 31 and complaining and now I am 41 and complaining.  So the depression has not been great – not that it’s ever awesome or anything.  Actually, depression status is hard to define for yourself sometimes, especially when you’ve been on various drugs and…

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WTF Are They Saying Songs: Come On, Eileen?

I have been singing along to the radio my whole life, despite not knowing what the lyrics, and sometimes even the titles, are most of the time. This is not my fault as the singers are often not clear, and DJs rarely help as they are too busy talking about fascinating stuff like their toenail clippings, just because they can (I want to be a DJ).  Anyway, some songs I have sung the wrong way for years.  Sure I could look it up on that newfangled Google or look at a lyric video, but some of those translations are done so badly I could do just as well myself.

So I will.

One of my favorite songs from the 80’s is “Come on, Eileen” sung by the Dexys Midnight Runners.  You remember that group right?  Me neither, thanks Google.  Anyway, this song is a classic example of not understanding what the heck the singer is saying.  I mean I really don’t understand ANYTHING except most of the main chorus and, ironically, the nonsensical “Too ra loo ra too ra loo ra yay” part.  I can imagine the group think that day.

Guy 1: We need something to go after “Come on, Eileen”.

Guy 2: Why not just drink some more and slur the lines again?

Guy 3: We could always use “Wo wo wo” or “Na na na”.

Guy 1: Been done.  What’s that on the telly?

Guy 2: Buncha puppets on a kiddie show babbling.

Guy 3: Bloody brilliant! Let’s use that.

So they solved that part fine, and they knew they wanted to talk about this Eileen chick who wore that dress and was dirty.  They could have said “Come on, Eileen go take a bath” but the too ra loos were too good to pass up I guess.  All that was left was to drink heavily, strap on some overalls before remembering their shirts (see the video) and sing!  I have written the lyrics to the best of my understanding while playing the song over and over.  Good luck.

Blame these guys.

Come on, Eileen

Poo ol Johnny raid

I sat upon the radio

But the billion hearts is unknown

Our mother’s strange

Saddle on who’s them

Who’s crumb? (Who’s crumb?)

So brittle (So brittle!)

Now I must say “cold and never”

Come on, Eileen

Too ra loo ra too ra loo ra yay!

Gonna sing this like a boner!

 

Chorus: (sort of understandable – sobriety break?)

Come on Eileen (oh I swear)

By all means

At this moment, you mean everything

You wore that dress

I confess but you’re dirty

Oh, come on Eileen!

 

These people round here

But now I suck

I’m on my face

So it’s time to wonder

What pride is

But blah blahhh

Blah blaaaahddy

We are just so young and clever (What’s that for?)

Too ra loo ra too ra loo ra yay

I hope it’s true foreverrr

 

Come on Eileen

(Oh I swear) By all means

Oh come on let’s

take off everything!

You and that dress (I confess)

Sassafrass

Oh come on Eileen

 

Lots more too la roos

and Oh Eileens

 

And that is all I’ve got.  When it came to the “blah blahs” I honestly, after multiple times listening, could not make out anything approximating any word in this language.  I’m not saying I got the lyrics right, but if you do go and look up lyrics, you’ll often find out that the ones you thought they were saying probably made more sense than the ones they actually sang.

Speaking of nonsensical (too ra loo ra!), here’s the video.

Truly fascinating.  It starts out with what looks like old footage of girls going gah gah over some guy.  The video does write out (literally) the first line which is “Poor old Johnnie Ray”.  I’m not sure who Johnny Ray was, or is, but girls dug him and one put his name on her shoes (that’s devotion).

So you might think – this song is about Johnny Ray?  No?  Well maybe about the old pictures of two children (labeled “me” and “Eileen”).  Not sure, because we switch to the 80’s (I think?) with a bunch of hairy guys wearing only overalls and playing banjos, fiddles, and – an accordion?  How did hillbillies get to the city?  Did they hit a bubbling brew?  Whatever happened, now they’re here singing on a street corner and oh look, that must be Eileen coming by with a friend and a baby stroller and – how nice they are trying to assault her.

Look at that armpit hair! Come on, Eileen!

“Ohhh Eileen, come on!  You’re so dirty!”  I can’t imagine why she would want to get away from them.  Those “too la roos”?  They turn out to be a gang rallying cry as they all get together and run up behind her and one of them grabs her and – suddenly she likes him?

And what did it all have to do with Johnnie Ray?  WHYYYY?

I don’t have answers, folks, cause I didn’t even try to look them up (saying they were there).  Maybe it’s better not to know.  I certainly liked “She Bop” a lot better before I found out what that one was about (Cyndi didn’t need a guy cause – um – magazines) and the music is great so I guess it doesn’t matter.  It’s just more thoughts that rattle around my head while I mindlessly sing along.

Too-ra-loo!

 

~Alice

Kentucky Fried Crisis!

Have you heard the news today?  They say that danger’s come our way.  It’s a real land of confusion alright, what with all those wars and famines and politicians, but today our old reliable Facebook News had some real news people care about, news to unite all walks of life.

Kentucky Fried Chicken has run out of chicken. 

Yup, you heard right.  Now this is happening in the U.K., not here, thank gawd, but what a terrifying prospect!  So much so that it naturally made international news.

Count on CNN, you guys.

Our media sure savored this little news bite, alright.

And we thought all those hurricanes were bad!

A wing and a prayer!  Get it?  I guess I can see this appearing on CNN Money, since KFC is bound to be losing it’s chicken butt over this shortage, which is causing stores to close all over the U.K.   But that’s not the only problem they face.

There are some super angry Brits over there.  Observe.

There are some marvelous quotes in here.  “It’s a chicken place, so they should have enough chicken,” says one boy.  That’s so cute how kids think logic should apply to real life!  Other people took to Twitter with their annoyance over having to drive to multiple locations to find chicken.  Multiple locations.  They do have other chicken places in the U.K. right?  Or is this chicken just so filled with artery clogging goodness that our mother country is addicted?

If Brits act like this, you realize we in the U.S. are in deep, deep trouble.  As one commenter said, “There would be rioting in the streets over here.”  I don’t doubt it.

KFC is deeply apologetic for causing so many in the U.K. to go without the two of the most important food groups (salt and grease).  Here’s a sign from one of the restaurants.

 

No compromising on quality for us!

So just how did they run out of chicken?  As the sign mentions, the chain just got a new supplier called DHL who promised to “re-write the rule book and set a new benchmark for delivering fresh products to KFC in a sustainable way”.  Jolly good job, right oh, I say!  DHL explained that “due to operational issues a number of deliveries in recent days have been incomplete or delayed.”  Operational issues, eh?  As in what type of operational issues?  Is it because some employees are still teething?  That does hurt.  Or have employees been stealing the chicken for themselves?  Shoving it down their pants and making a run for it?  There is clearly more to this story than they are telling us, people.

I mean it is super hard to round up chickens, kill them, and dump their body parts in a truck and deliver them to 900 stores! But I wonder if this could have anything to do with their new spokesperson, Reba “Colonel” McEntire.  I mean, she was the obvious pick for a new Colonel Sanders, what with the natural resemblance.  But some people are not at all happy with this and have complained.  No, really.

Reba, is that you?

Because this is a feminist issue!  Reba is the first female Colonel Sanders, ya’ll!  Well, sort of!  Because while some praise her for, as one article puts it, “shattering the grease-soaked napkin ceiling,” others are upset cause the colonel can’t just be a woman, but must be a woman pretending to be a man.  So, like, the colonel is now transgender then?  I thought he was an real life man who’s been dead for over 30 years, but apparently not.  He’s a character.  Or she.  Or however the colonel chooses to identify, for chicken is fluid.

So I think the problem is clear.  Colonel Reba here has taken all the chicken.  Because feminism.  But KFC will make things right, though it may be over a week.  Hang tight.  And as another commenter said, “Prayers”.

~Alice

 

V-DAY is HERE

V-Day?  What could that mean?  Vaccinate day?  Venereal Disease day?  Happy New Year?  Okay, it’s not Happy New Year, since you could say I missed that one.  Along with January.  And most of February so far.  But hey, I couldn’t miss the most important of days, which is of course Valentine’s Day – though it might involve the other two v days, depending on how you celebrate it.

Or if you celebrate it!  I decided to google “Valentine’s Day is . . .” and it turns out people – this will shock you – think it kind of sucks.  The first thing I got was “Valentine’s Day is Coming Memes”.

I got very excited about this, especially the article that promised to warm my icy heart.  With memes.  You might be doubtful about this, oh ye of little faith.  But I dideth click on one.  There were a lot of super funny memes, like the one where the guy from that office show says yes he has a date for Valentine’s Day and – wait for it – that date is February 14th.  Do you get it?  It took me a second, and then I just sat there laughed hysterically.  My heart is melted!

Okay I did like this one.

Valentine’s Day always makes me pee a little.

So that was from Bridget (@bridger_w) who took that little snapshot at a Rite-Aid.  I now know what to get that special someone.

No more time for “Valentine’s is Coming” memes, though, cause it be right here mah peeps (check out my inclusive language). The second thing to pop up was how much people love this holiday cause it makes them feel super close to their significant other, especially when that other buys them that freaking enormous diamond ring from Jared cause even young children know that Dad is gonna score when he gets their Mom that ring from Jared!  And there was nothing at all disturbing about that commercial that played roughly a million times!

Haha, I’m lying of course, because the sentence to pop up next was really “Valentine’s Day is overrated”.

If you’d like to know four, five, ten or even fourteen reasons why this holiday is overrated, all you have to do is google.  I can summarize them all for you, though.  Valentine’s Day is overrated because it’s a way to make people feel guilty if they don’t get suckered into paying money to retailers in order to prove love to that special person.  It also makes people feel lousy if they don’t have someone to make them get suckered into paying money to retailers in order to prove love.  This is totally different than Christmas, or birthdays, or anniversaries, etc. because it falls on February 14th.  Look!  I have a date for Valentine’s Day!

In light of all this negativity, I decided to look up the origins of Valentine’s Day. For all you naysayers out there, it turns out that this holiday is just oozing with happy and love and well this came up first.

Ah those romantic Romans!  Executions!  That’s just amazing.  Two different guys named Valentine get executed on the same day (different years – did he remember or was it luck?) by this Claudius guy, so the Catholic Church martyrs them with St. Valentine’s Day.  Clearly the next logical step was to make this day about love and chocolate too, just like Easter!

Chocolate Bunny?

So there you go, a special Valentine’s Day post.  In case you are planning a hot date, don’t forget that once again the perfect movie is out just in time for this day of love and torture!

Classy as ALWAYS

Yours truly,

Alice

P.S. Tomorrow the candy is 50 percent off.  True love waits.

Angsty Christmas songs for the young scamp

I have a guest blogger today, my daughter, the one and only Thing Two.  She has her own blog now, but it’s private so I’m showing you a bit today.  How about some angsty Xmas songs from one who knows best, a teen?

Hoo boy, Christmas. Wow, what a wonderful holiday. I can’t wait for my seasonal depression to consume me this holiday. What joy this holiday brings, I wait every year despite the knowledge that my emotions are going to plant sharp, welcoming needles for every step I take. Wait, that’s everyday… Christmas is basically every day. Christmas is literally just a pointless, commercial black hole that everyone falls into. At least Hanukkah has a meaning, December 25th isn’t even Jesus’s birthday. Dec 25 was probably the day Jesus was betrayed by freaking Judas. Anyway, I’m an angsty millennial person, and there are songs for that (that was an intro? That was like choking on sprinkles.)

 

7. All I want for Christmas is you- My Chemical Romance

Now, you’re looking at the title and saying to yourself “That song is not angsty, it’s a Christmas classic!” Well, that’s because of it being a cover, but how can a cover be angsty? Just listen to Gerard Way’s vocals. It only takes him about twenty seconds till he starts to scream angerly into his mic. After you hear this… it’s unhearable. You’ll start to believe the way Gerard sings the song is the original way, which in my opinion is far superior to how it is originally sung. The original keeps the same tempo and style the whole way through, while this one spices it up. It’s good to have an overused song get a more grungy feel, it gives hot topic something to play on the holidays.

6. Don’t Shoot me Santa- The killers

You better have a good reason for Santa to put down that ak-47. Now this cheerful tune is a classic for all years round, just be careful cause saint nick has a bullet in his gun.

“Oh, Santa
I’ve been killing just for fun
Well, the party is over kid
Because I, because I got a bullet in my gun
(A bullet in your what?)
Don’t shoot me Santa Clause
I’ve been a clean living boy
I promise you, did every little thing you ask me to
I can’t believe the things I’m going through”
Well, what positive vibes I’m getting from those lyrics. Well, in Germany they have Krampus…so I guess the emos have this Santa. First of all, what did this kid do that was so terrible the death penalty was fair? And why is Santa the one doing this? I infer this song takes place in Texas, cause everyone and their tapeworms have guns in Texas, and the death penalty is welcomed in any county (except Austin). In a literal and metaphorical sense, this song is angsty all the way.  In a metaphorical sense, it’s the angstiest. Now, what makes a song quote on quote”angsty” is a thick metaphor hidden beneath it, and lyrics that sound like they’d be on a scene kid’s myspace. This song is one of the most meaningful on this list. The boy in this song is feeling guilty about something is admits to, and he had no reason to do it. Santa represents everyone he loved and who was close to him. He fears that the one thing he did is going to make everyone turn on him, and he becomes a target. Or in another sense, this is someone struggling with intense anxiety, fearing everything they do is wrong and they will be terrible judged, when really its just a small mistake. D e e p

5. Santa stole my Girlfriend – The Maine
Santa really needs to calm down. He’s gone off the rails…too many kids asked for Nintendo switches. Santa doesn’t have the money for that. He tried to become a hitman and murder some kids that wanted the switches, but it just made it worse. Mrs.clause divorced him…he has to find a new one. That’s why he stole a girlfriend.
” I saw them dancing under mistletoe
Thought it was nothing but I guess I didn’t know
(I guess I didn’t know)
That there was something going on with them
Santa, you player, I thought we were friends”
The meaning of this one is pretty obvious, guy loses the girl to a way better guy, end of story. Just…why use Santa? Santa didn’t deserve to be framed.

4. Yule shoot your eye out- Fall out Boy
Me and fall out boy, we’ve got some good memories. Like the time I ate icing from a cup during an existential crisis while listening to a whole album, yep, good times. Fall out Boy is actually one of my favorite bands…so let’s see what they have to offer.
“One awkward silence
And two hopes you cry yourself to sleep
Staying up, waiting by the phone
And all I want this year is for you to dedicate your last breath to me
Before you bury yourself alive
Don’t come home for Christmas
You’re the last thing I want to see
Underneath the tree
Merry Christmas, I could care less”
I can feel the emo in me try to break free. I feel like this song is how the Republican party feels about Trump right now. This is the one song you would hear at some sort of angry poetry slam. If I was at an angry poetry slam, I’d read this and dedicate it to ajit pai (while writing this, my auto-correct wanted to correct “pai” to “pain” and I couldn’t agree more). I’m afraid Ajit Pai is going to be the one thing I despise under my tree this year.

I attempted to play this song on the ukulele… I regretted even trying.
3. Merry Christmas kiss my a**- All time low
This song is also one I’d like to dedicate to Ajit Pai. If this title alone doesn’t spell angsty, I don’t know what angst is anymore.
“And I hope you’re happy with yourself
‘Cause I’m not laughing
Don’t ya think, it’s kind of crappy
What you did this holiday?
When I gave you my heart
You ripped it apart
Like the wrapping paper trash
So I wrote you a song
Hope that you sing along
And it goes Merry Christmas
Kiss my a**”
Don’t break up with any of the All time low members… actually, please don’t date them at all. I Don’t even have to analyze this song… it speaks for its self.

2. Merry merry merry frickin Christmas-  frickin A
It just gets better and better, doesn’t it? I actually really adore this song. I listen to it every year, and it still makes me want to sit in my grandma’s hallway attempting to avoid my family.
“Schools out, Christmas break
Home for the holiday’s meatloaf and fruitcake
Off to grandmas, it’s so boring
Screaming kids and grandpa’s snoring
My aunt Margaret’s lost her mind
She’s trippin’ on a train set, have another box of wine
It’s gonna be a merry merry merry frickin’ Christmas
I must be on Santa clauses sh**list
The tree, the gifts, the mistletoe kiss
Shoot me now I’m sick of all my relatives
Have a merry merry merry frickin’ Christmas”
There’s also another version of this song, but I prefer this one since its more angsty. I know who is on Santa clauses sh**list though…(hint: his name happens to rhyme with pit die).
Note: the only video I could find of this version was Ouran high school host club… which I doubt you’d want to watch a whole bunch of highly romanticized gay boys dance around ( i actually used to watch that anime and I don’t know why) so…enjoy a harry potter version.

1. This Christmas (I’ll burn it to the ground)- Set it off
Oh Set it off, I loved you in 5th grade…now I’m not too sure. My and my friend both used to listen to this and talk about how much we related to it, which sounds psychotic but aren’t all 5th graders psychotic? I believe 5th grade was when I watched Minecraft videos and read creepypastas… I also had really edgy characters I made (one was literally named “blood stitch” and if I told you the story of that character, I would physically not be able to talk about it cause of how pure blooded cringe it is). My point is, this song is edgy, I’m still edgy, let’s listen to some edge.
“Oh my God, it’s here, this awful time of year
How I hate the snow is falling
Wealthy neighbors bragging about the gifts they’re getting
Hey Jack! They say, let me take a guess now! You’re getting K-Mart clothes again!
And then, I had a revelation!
This is my chance to sew their lips clean shut with fear
Because…
This Christmas, I’ll burn it to the ground!
This Christmas, Santa’s skipping town!
This Christmas, everything will change, when they see the flames
This Christmas day!”
You’re probably magically wearing black now. Just accept it, this song has the power to make Michelle Obama want to burn down her vegetable stash in anger.

Last Christmas I was emo, now it’s coming back. I blame this list for that.
Merry Christmas to all and to all an angsty night

 

Ohhhh . . . Christmas Tree?

Don’t you just love Christmas trees?  I do.  Especially those trees decorated by people with Martha Stewart obsessions.  Some of them look better than the department store trees, many of which are decorated with near soccer size giant shiny balls (now be mature).

Even I could decorate fast with balls this big.

The decorations on this tree match, and were probably put up earlier than three days before the actual holiday.  But that’s not how we roll here.  The Things and I have each gotten one ornament every year, a tradition started when Thing Two was eighteen months old, and on the naughty list. She loves how I tell this story every single year as I put up the ornament her Grammy and I bought for her.

Never gets old!

You’ll also notice other people tend to fluff up the tree and straighten out the branches.  Not us!  Since Thing Two (who is awesome!) was the one to actually drag the tree in and put it up,  I can’t complain.  Still, this is definitely not one to go before the window, with its lovely branches and twinkling lights informing criminals that yes, we have lots of material goods!  No, ours is the slightly tilting tree, held up first by a trashcan (never say Thing Two is not inventive) then by a tree stand meant for a living tree. My husband did some handy work, and lo, we had a tree that stood up without a trash can.

Thanks, honey!

Next came the decorating.  This is serious business, so here are some tips.  Tip 1: Make sure you have ornament hangers ready.  Don’t let them get tangled up, though!

They came out of the box like this.

Tip 2: For a truly pleasing display, make sure you put the tinsel on first, draping it nicely on the tree.  Next place the ornaments on the tree with careful precision.  You don’t want your tree to look like someone just tossed the ornaments up there willy-nilly!

Thing One hung many of the ornaments while I stayed on untangle hanger duty.

Tip 3: Don’t forget to have use proper ornament placement, so that each ornament is just the right distance apart, thus making a pleasing design for the eye and insuring that every ornament is seen.

Perfect.

Tip 4: Last but not least, don’t forget the Christmas star or angel at the top of the tree!  This decoration shows the true spirit of this season of love and harmony.

He’ll do.

Our ornament collection is extensive. Many collected over the years, some given to us by slightly off friends and relatives, and some that we’re not sure about.

Like scary hobo Santa here.

There’s also that special ornament that makes you smile each year.  In the slightly-off relative category comes this mermaid, given to me by my cousin.  The rest of the family have no idea how she was made, or bought, but several of us got one, in various hues.  We call her the pregnant mermaid.

Mystery solved! Mermaids are mammals.

All attempts are made to keep ornaments in pristine condition.  Some, though, still manage to break.  For instance, we have a famous ballerina girl whose arm has broken over and over.  Her arm is now bandaged carefully by scotch tape, and she’s quite happy with that. We don’t know what happened, but we suspect Elton John might be responsible.

Ballerina girrrrrrrrrrl – wait her hand is missing too.

The tree is important, but don’t forget to hang the stockings or you don’t get any loot.  We have special stocking hangers.  Two have decorations, but for the other two, we have to improvise.  Thing Two knew just what she wanted on her stocking hanger.

When I think Christmas, Sith Lord always comes to mind. Note his apprentice behind him, Penguin Skywalker.

There are occasional accidents on the decorating job.  I attempted to use a cute little porcelain doll with ice skates on one of the hangers.  It turns out ice skates aren’t the best at keeping a highly breakable doll steady.

This is why we can’t have nice things.

It was unfortunate to lose the doll, but we are a family of scientists, so Thing Two couldn’t resist further investigating the inner workings of this doll.  After removing her stuffing and discovering her exoskeleton, she decided to make her own little doll of horrors.  I had nothing to do with helping her, of course, because I am a mature adult.

Exhibit One

We invited Thing One to the lab, but she ran away shouting “Nooo!  I still haven’t recovered from Toy Story!”  This did not deter our scientist, who worked with the wire skeleton some more.

Nightmare on 34th Street.

I might have gotten off track there.  The fallen decoration was put to rest, and we stood back to admire our tree.  It might not put the “k” in “kuality” but it’s good enough for us.  I know the true meaning of Christmas anyway – Things!

Oh Christmas tree, how screwy are your branches!

Merry Holidayz!

~Alice and her Things

WTF Christmas Songs

In the past I’ve done posts about my love of Christmas songs.  There was Scary Santa Songs and another about the wacky song “Do you hear what I hear?”.  I got an irate reader years later from that one.  She felt the need to tell me the song wasn’t meant to be taken LITERALLY on a blog that is not meant to be taken literally.  Except when it is.  I looked it up, and found out I have two posts with that same title, and one is serious, and one is not.  It would be enough to blow that poor reader’s mind.

This topic may seem funny, but trust me, it’s very serious to many people.  Even good Christmas songs played repeatedly can get irritating, but when they are also nauseating, saccharin, repetitive, and / or questionable, it just gets worse.  I got a few votes for bad Christmas songs from a reader, and searched the Internet for more of them.  Not only did I find songs I had disliked for years, I also found a song I had somehow never heard of by John Denver.  I still wish I had never heard it, and so will you.

Enjoy, kids!

This is just a portion of them.

1.Wonderful Christmas Time

This song was submitted by reader crimsonowl63.  I say this so my good buddy Merbear will not get mad at me for including Paul McCartney. (THE BEATLES ARE FAB!) I usually like Paul, and I don’t detest this song like some do (it was on a few lists I found).  However, it does have a wee bit of repetition that could get annoying pretty quickly.  For instance, the lyrics “Simply having a wonderful Christmas time” are sung about 20 times (I counted) but it seems like more, and then there’s the part about the ding dongs.

“Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong
Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong”

No more ringing!  Really, though, the best thing about this song is the video, made in 1979 with lots of LSD side effects.  I love it!

2.Baby It’s Cold Outside

This song fits into both the “repetitive” and “questionable” category.  Basically, a woman wants to go home, but the guy wants her to stay.  Because it’s . . .  cold, yeah, that’s it.  But hey, it’s warm in his – house!  They go back and forth repeatedly with her saying “I really need to go home.” and him saying “But baby, it’s cold!” and her saying “I have a heater in my car.” and him saying “I took the engine out”, etc.  Charming!

Just once I’d love the song to end with police sirens because the woman speed dialed 911 while the guy continued to croon at her.

3.Santa Baby

Speaking of 911, this time we have a woman seductively hitting up Santa for lots of material possessions cause she’s been good all year.  She didn’t jump ALL the men she met, after all, so no harm no foul! This sounds a bit too much like the response many men in Hollywood, Congress, probably Mr. Roger’s neighborhood by now, etc., have had to accusations of harassing women.  Good to know it’s equal opportunity.

Cause this woman wants a freaking platinum mine, and is probably willing to do whatever it takes to get it, including kidnapping Santa in her man trap or possibly forcing St. Nick into marriage so she can really have access to the good stuff.  Hurry down the chimney, big guy!

It’s not Christmas till the cops show up!

4.Little Saint Nick

I know I’ve talked about plenty of Santa songs, but seriously, I can’t believe I forgot this one because man do I hate it.  The Things were forced to perform this song twice a piece while waving red and green stop signs because school programs suck.  It’s written by the Beach Boys who, as Thing Two pointed out, really only wrote one song ever, and just slightly budged the lyrics here and there.

This one’s not even about Santa, but his sleigh – although the Beach Boys are under the impression it’s either a car or a surfboard, since that’s all they sing about.  The irritating, nails on chalkboard chorus really gets me.

It’s the little Saint Nick
Ooooo, little Saint Nick
It’s the little Saint Nick
Ooooo, little Saint Nick

Repeat this a million times or so.  Run, run reindeer before the Beach Boys hitch you up to their woody.

5.Please Daddy Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas

No, seriously, this is a real song. By John Denver!  The guy who sang happy, nostalgic songs about West Virginia and some chick named Annie!  I had never heard of this song before, but it appeared on a bad Christmas song list somewhere and I had to check it out.

I realized I was filling an entire post just from my hatred of the “Christmas Shoes” song alone (“Mom’s dying! She needs shoes!”), so I figured this would make a good substitute for the bummer Christmas song category.  It’s tough to get through the symbolism, but it seems this kid doesn’t want his dad to get drunk this Christmas, unlike last year when he passed out under the tree.  Apparently this makes mom cry.  He says this a lot.  Dad drunk.  Mom sad.

Yay I got drunk Dad for Christmas!

Here’s the festive lyrics.

Please daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas, I don’t wanna see my mamma cry.
Please daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas, I don’t wanna see my mamma cry.
Just last year when I was only seven, now I’m almost eight as you can see.
You came home a quarter past eleven, fell down underneath our Christmas tree.

Please daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas, I don’t wanna see my mamma cry.
Please daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas, I don’t wanna see my mamma cry.
Mamma smiled and looked outside the window. She told me, “Son, you better get upstairs.”
Then you laughed and hollered “Merry Christmas.” I turned around and saw my mamma’s tears.

Here’s a user-made video with the happy twangy lyrics and inexplicably a flashing Christmas tree and fireplace.  Oh, yes, you’ll be happy to know that this song has also been remade!  Twice!

Merry Christmas!

~ Alice

Top Board Games for Xmas!

Yay, Christmas!  That special time of year when parents go out of their minds trying to find the latest usually electronic toy while screaming into their own electronic toys. Well, I think it’s time we forgot about this new-fangled stuff and tried some good old-fashioned family values gifts.  Like board games!  Remember those?  Monopoly, Sorry, Clue – all games that inspired fun and delight and usually only one or two fistfights.

*Psst fingerlings spotted at Target!  Just kidding.

There are some new games come to the table now, though, and all revolving around a specific bodily function.  Every one of these was found in the Toys R Us catalog, and on the same page, by my astute blog assistants and children, Thing One and Thing Two.

  1. Pull My Finger Hilarious Game

I’m still thinking of a caption for this . . .

Hilarious game, alright!  I’m not just saying that, it’s listed as part of the title on the Toys R Us website.  What used to be a gross grandpa game for unlucky kids is now a game you can buy for any impressionable children for just $19.99!  Because we all know they need to be encouraged to do things like fart.

It’s good that they give clear instructions.  Pull finger, butt inflates.  I wanted to know how the butt inflates (naturally), so I investigated further.

There is a video on the earlier link with overexcited kids (really, one kid’s eyes cartoonishly pop out of his sockets, but only for a split second, so you’re not sure you just saw that or not).  I also included this one, though, because the acting from the adult creators (yes adults) from Jakks Pacific (a respectable toy company!) is just that stellar.

Here’s a quick transcript . . .

Woman 1: (sees man and woman alone in room together with a monkey toy) What are you two doing?

Man: Have you seen this game yet? Ha ha. This is my life, guys.

(Woman 2 proceeds to show her what to do.  Spin spinner.  Pull finger.)

Woman 1: Like what is this gonna do?

Woman 2: Like, its butt is in your face and filling up with air.  Guess!

Woman 1: This is so hilarious. I could not be more deadpan.

(After way too many pulls, and a small fart noise,the butt deflates a disappointing amount. Woman 1 squeals.  All ask for checks.)

Clearly the first ad from Toys R Us overstated the amount of inflation and explosion.  I’d love to see one where the monkey literally explodes.  That would be entertainment.

2. Goliath The Original Doggie Doo Game

Hey, I already got this on my porch yesterday.

A game about dog crap?  About time!  I love that the website notes that this is no fake Doggie Doo, no, for just $22.99 you get the Goliath Original Doggie Doo game.  That goodness, I do hate knockoffs when it comes to my poop.

If you look at the actual toy, it turns out Goliath here is a dachshund, a fairly disturbed one due to his owners maliciously pushing play-dough into his mouth, pumping it through his doggie digestive system, then taking said poop and putting it back in again, all according to the whims of the SPINNER.  Someone call PETA.

This is one twisted science experiment, kids. Also what’s the yellow thing do?

After watching the ad on Toys R Us, I realize the game is by the company Goliath, it’s not the dog’s name.  This dog is named Experiment 666.  Also – these people need to get out more if they get that thrilled watching poop fall out. Just hang around any dog’s butt for a while and you can see this happen in real time.  You don’t even need a pump.

3. Don’t Step In It! Game

The flies swarming around the poo are a nice touch.

Blindfolded, poop-dodging fun?  Count me in!  For another $19.99, you can try to avoid the poop Goliath left during earlier experiments.  But what is game play like?  There was no ad for this game on the website, so I had to go with the instructions on the page.

The Don’t Step In It! Game Features:

    • Blindfolded, poop-dodging fun
    • Mold the included compound to look like piles of poop
    • Step in the fewest poops to win
    • Play with friends or dodge the poop solo

I see so many more options for this game.  For one thing, if you have your friends blindfolded, why just use some compound with unknown chemicals?  Get the real thing, available in parks everywhere!  Or for added excitement, up the ante with tacks or pieces of broken glass.  Nothing says “popular game” like one that destines kids for the ER!  Unless you have no friends, then dodge the poop solo and commiserate with Goliath and the farting monkey.  They will never leave you!

4. Gas Out

Try me! Thanks, I’ll pass. . . the game. 

I just know there are more poop games out there – they were all in the catalog together!  Yet when I searched for poop games (not recommended) I found stuff like Chutes and Ladders.  That is a crap game, true, but not quite what I was wanting.

So I had to settle for this gem.  Gas Out is not a monkey farting, but an actual gas cloud.  So in analogy, instead of playing with a dog that poops, we’re playing with the anthropomorphic  poop.  Yuck, I mean who would do that . . .

Nevermind.

Back to the gas!  The first picture they show you when clicking on the game on the website (again not recommended), is this one.  Right away I’m seeing a very concerned looking fart and Math flash cards.  No good could come of this.

Multiplying? What kind of horror game is this?

If you click on the ad in the link, you’ll see kids dancing to ballet music while squeezing their farts.  They really should have played “The Star Spangled Banner” for perfect background music.  But exactly what is this green thing?  What is its name?  What’s its background story?  Toys R Us lets us know.

Kids won’t be able to stop giggling with the Gas Out Game! Guster the Gas Cloud is full of intestinal discomfort and he’s ready to rip! 

You know when “intestinal discomfort” is mentioned, the game has got to be good.  I’m also impressed that the gas cloud, out of all the others,  has an actual name.  Guster.  I will know now when I go to the doctor for – my friend’s issues, exactly what to call it.  Maybe it will be on the 2018 list of most popular names!

Oddly enough, the ad did not explain the mechanics of this complicated game.  Luckily, I found some.

features

  • Be the last player to pass Guster the Gas Cloud without him farting and win!
  • Players take turns playing Gas Out Number cards in their hand and pressing Guster as many times as shown.
  • If Guster farts during your turn – you’re out!
  • Special game-changing Gas Out cards like Skip and Reverse keep the play tooting along.
  • Includes electronic Guster the Gas Cloud and one deck of Gas Out cards.

Wait, is the X just a skip card, or is that a hidden feature?  I’m still scared of multiplication, especially with farts.  No word on whether the game developer added smell.  Just feed the children beans and they can supply it themselves.

Well, that was a real pantload of joy right there.  I had planned on showing off one other item – a fat unicorn who poops out supposed ice cream the kids EAT.  No, I’m not kidding.  It’s not really a game, unless you count gambling over whether your kid gets Guster discomfort from the ice cream.  Personally, I’m not eating anything that comes from a game about poo or gas; I don’t care if it is from a bloody unicorn’s butt.  And I was definitely not tempted to buy it (supplies are limited!) For more on this sparkly creature, see ES’s blog for that and even more frightening toys for the Christmas season.

Be sure to tell me what you think of these toys, or any suggestions for more fabulous Christmas songs, toys, traditions, or whatever else you’d like me to cover.  Hopefully I’ll get to it before that sneaky squirrel steals it.

~Alice

Stupid Christmas Traditions: Ugly Sweaters

Hi, all, it’s holiday time again and I sort of missed Thanksgiving back there, just like American retailers and British people.  I did find out from a loyal UK viewer that they have started having Black Friday sales, even though there is no Thanksgiving, so it’s good to know we are still having a positive influence on the world.  In years past, I have done posts on Thanksgiving or Black Friday, (Happy Link Drops!) or a combination of the two, which is actually more accurate to the relationships of Pilgrims and Native Americans at that time.

Pilgrims and Indians share Black Friday deals.

But Thanksgiving is dead and gone, just like the turkey you shamelessly murdered, so time to move on to Christmas.  That’s right, it’s Christmas, not Chaka Khan or one of those fake holidays.  Christmas with baby Jesus and Santa Claus and maniacal parents looking for stupid toys at inflated prices, and in-laws and dead trees and Starbucks cups, Hallelujah.  In the past, I have provided my readers with helpful lists of Top Ten Christmas gifts, real meanings of scary Christmas songs, details of Olaf the snowman on a killing spree, etc., and I will get to those, but first let’s talk about a Christmas tradition.

Tradition 1: Ugly Christmas Sweaters

Once upon a time, people got ugly knitted sweaters (or jumpers if you’re a UK foreigner) from Grandma, and they had to wear them or else Grandma’s feelings would be hurt.  I like to think this was done on purpose by some Grandmas as an act of revenge for that nursing home, but generally they were supposed to be gifts they for some reason genuinely thought family members would love.

Some believe it was the Beatles who started the ugly sweater tradition.

Now, though, many Grandmas don’t sit around knitting sweaters all day.  They’re off in Vegas.  But people still haven’t forgotten about movies like “Christmas Vacation” and think they can be super cute by wearing “ugly” sweaters.  They even have contests for the most ugly sweater.  They had one at my former workplace, and the secretary asked the assistant director if she was in the contest.  She said “No.”  Awk-ward.

Your biggest question, I’m sure, is where people are getting these sweaters since Grandma flew the coop.  Well look no further, retailers have solved this for you!  They have purposely created lines of “ugly sweaters”.  Just – wait.  The whole point of the ugly sweater thing was that this was not done on purpose.  You wore it out of good old fashioned Christmas guilt.  You didn’t purposely buy it under a tag saying ugly.  If you purposely buy something ugly while realizing it’s ugly, you’re just dumb.  Also, these ugly sweaters aren’t even always ugly.  Some looked fine to me.  Who doesn’t like a cute penguin on their shirt?  Heathens, that’s who.

Anyone who doesn’t like Penguins is a commie.

Welp, that’s all I have time for today.  Please feel free to give any suggestions below for other stupid traditions, songs, or gifts, or whatever else your annoyed about this Christmas and my Things and I will try to cover it.

Merry CHRISTMAS so sayeth the Lord,

Alice