Alice is a Lying Liar or Help for Those With No Sarcasm Gene

It occurred to me a few posts back that someone coming upon this blog for the first time might not realize I like to parody annoying, stupid people and use heaping doses of sarcasm on a regular basis.  That would mean they would read something like say, my last post (Don’t worry, you get another chance!) and think that I am a really big racist.  I’m not (I mean not a BIG racist anyway) I just like to parody the worst of America.  Everyone else is going to do it; I might as well join in.

Dave Barry had this problem when he wrote for the Miami Herald, despite the newspaper clearly stating that he was, in fact, a humor columnist. He wrote “Mr. Language Person”, a column in which he purposely murdered the English language.  Every time he’d get letters from people who were very offended that he was teaching incorrect grammar.  So he wrote another column in which he explained what was B.S. and what wasn’t.  I figured I’d try the same thing by taking my last post and using helpful ellipsis in red (closed captioning!) for those who are sarcasm impaired.  I realize this is a repeat for some – in that case you can always just read the red parts – like in the Bible they’re the best!

*********(Warning: This Might Look Familiar) ********

I was driving to work today, and singing along to a song from the Disney movie Lilo and Stitch, because – I’m me. (note: weird) I like the Hawaiian songs, so naturally try to sing along (key word is “try”), even though I do not speak Hawaiian (I know “Aloha”), so it sounds kind of like this “Oh like oh e maya a una de tala a oof mana mana a eee eee eee eee oh.” (Well it sounds like that to me cause I don’t speak the language.  I’m sure Hawaiians understand it.  Probably.)

All Hawaiians hula dance. It's the law.

All Hawaiians hula dance. It’s the law. (Probably not really)

Then it occurred to me that I didn’t know what their language was really called. (I don’t.) Is it really called Hawaiian?  (beats me!) Cause I live in the United States, and we don’t speak United States.  Nor do we speak American. (I went to school a lot.) We do speak English (supposedly), but New England English is way different than Southern English, or California English.  And if we get online, our English doesn’t look like English at all.  (Texting is not writing.)  I once looked at an old text and realized I had not capitalized my “I”s, and I cringed because I like to use the word “I” a lot (true) and it just looked like I had barfed preschool on the phone. (I didn’t actually barf.  I just typed.  I might have made barfing noises.)  Or teen, take your pick. (I’m not prejudiced against teens, just honest.  Okay I’m prejudiced.)

People speak other languages here too, but we (We being mostly lazy, conservative Americans) expect everyone to also speak English, cause we are Americans, even if we actually borrowed English from the English, you know, before those guys screwed it up so much. (British people didn’t screw it up their own language.  Not anymore than Americans did (and do!)  I mean really – it’s not a jumper.  It’s a sweater.  (Why call it a jumper?  Does it jump?  Then again does a sweater sweat?  Language is weird period.) A jumper is something little girls wear, like overalls but with a skirt. (I have no idea why we even make these kinds of jumpers.) And we don’t take lifts, nor do we drive lorries, our cars don’t wear bonnets (Our cars wear hoods!  Not really, we just call them hoods or bonnets.  Or that thing in front of the car.) , and use a freaking article when you say “I’m going to university.”  It’s like we Americans have to tell you everything. (Well Americans certainly want to anyway.  Try to ignore us as usual.)

But England is weird too (fun weird!), because they don’t just go by England.  They also go by Great Britain, and call themselves British, not Greatish, or Greatish Britainish. (I do like wasting my English education.)  Or they could be the United Kingdom if you include the unimportant countries around them, like Scotland. (Scotland is full of very smart people who also hate Donald Trump.)  I think. (I have no idea) But again, no United Kindomners.  Also do you speak Scottish and Irish, or Gaelic, or just English cause everyone has to speak English because we do?  I don’t know. (true!) I have not even bothered to Google this. (also true!) I do know that even the most racist people love foreign accents, so if you have one, come on over.  We’ll go crazy for you.  (We really will.) Look how successful the Beatles were.  It wasn’t cause of their haircuts. (It was cause of their singing.)

It wasn't the clothes either.

It wasn’t the clothes either. (Were they kidding with this shot?)

Now Spain has it right, because their people speak Spanish, but then Mexico speaks Spanish too.  But the two are not actually the same.  Which means the Spanish I was taught by a white Anglo woman was Spain Spanish, and does little to help me speak Mexican Spanish, and there are a lot more Mexicans around Texas than there are Spaniards. (true) Just ask Donald Trump. (please don’t) I took several years of Spanish, but still can’t keep up with them because they speak, like, fast.   And then you like translate in your head, and have to respond, and I just can’t keep up with all of that.  (I suck at Spanish) Yet I see some people switch effortlessly from Spanish to English in one breath and I wonder if they are some sort of magician. (Seriously, how do they DO that?)

Then there’s France.  They speak French.  Fair enough.  But we have people in Louisiana who also speak French.  Also Cajun, whatever the heck that is.  (Gambit from the X-men speaks it!)  Parts of Canada speak French too.  They don’t speak Canadian, unless you count those guys who used to say “hooser” on Saturday Night Live. (Anyone remember their names?)

Like, Canada, let's have a beer. Then let us in your country. Please.

Like, Canada, let’s have a beer. Then let us in your country. Please.  (We’re really not kidding here.)

On to Japan.  They speak Japanese.  Yay.  Also English.  And Engrish, which is a combination of English and Japanese that usually results in hilarity.  Like small children wearing shirts with rather inappropriate words, while smiling big happy smiles. (Look it up.  It’s funny!) Of course Americans are known for getting tattoos done in Chinese or Japanese characters (they’re the same, right?) (no)  and end up permanently affixed with stupid words.  Just because the guy says it means “warrior” doesn’t mean it’s right.  You could be walking around with the word “sponge” on your bicep.  (Also funny!) I bet our Asian neighbors love it when they see this. (No they don’t.)  Asian is another word you can call Japanese, or Chinese, or Korean, or Vietnamese, because a lot of Americans aren’t going to bother with the difference. (True – partly because we really don’t know and don’t want to look like idiots)  Because we’re too busy playing their video games. (They do make good video games.)

Africa!  Now this is one crazy place.  (Africans are not insane.  Well not most of them.) They don’t all speak African, you guys.  They have different languages and dialects, and if I looked it up, I could probably tell you one of them. (I never looked it up.)  I think they sound very cool, even if they aren’t saying anything important, like in the introduction to the Lion King.  I heard it’s translated something like “It’s a lion, look it’s a lion” which is better than “Llama, llama, penguins in pajamas” which my friend mentioned, and now I hear every time that movie comes on. (Honestly, I hear nothing else now.  Llama, llama.)  I asked a student from Africa what some names meant, and Simba means “lion”, Mufasa means “king”, and Scar means “bad guy”.  Way to be creative, Disney! (You aren’t at all creative, Disney.)

We can say whatever we want to - you don't know what we are a sayin - you just think it a sounds a cool-ah. Cirrrrcle of Liiife!

We can say whatever we want to – you don’t know what we are a sayin – you just think it a sounds a cool-ah. Cirrrrcle of Liiife!

There are a lot more countries (Try looking at a map.  I might.), but I know most of you have no attention span and probably quit somewhere around England (Australians speak English too!  Sort of!) so I’ll stop here. (I probably would have stopped way back there too, if I were reading this.  Sorry I haven’t read your blogs lately!)   Suffice it to say, language is very confusing, especially when it doesn’t even match the country name, so I think everyone should have to change theirs to make it easier (sort of like when you guys all went metric and we didn’t, but yet you still didn’t change back to feet and inches).  (I don’t actually think people should change their language, or their metric system.  Because of our independence there, I never know how to measure squat.)  So a “good day” to those who speak Canadian, United Kingdom, Louisiana, Asian, African, and those other places on the map.  You’re welcome. (I’m sorry)

Alice (This isn’t even my real name)

 

 

 

What Country Do You Speak?

I was driving to work today, and singing along to a song from the Disney movie Lilo and Stitch, because – I’m me. I like the Hawaiian songs, so naturally try to sing along, even though I do not speak Hawaiian, so it sounds kind of like this “Oh like oh e maya a una de tala a oof mana mana a eee eee eee eee oh.”

All Hawaiians hula dance. It's the law.

All Hawaiians hula dance. It’s the law.

Then it occurred to me that I didn’t know what their language was really called.  Is it really called Hawaiian?  Cause I live in the United States, and we don’t speak United States.  Nor do we speak American.  We do speak English (supposedly), but New England English is way different than Southern English, or California English.  And if we get online, our English doesn’t look like English at all.  I once looked at an old text and realized I had not capitalized my “I”s, and I cringed because I like to use the word “I” a lot and it just looked like I had barfed preschool on the phone.  Or teen, take your pick.

People speak other languages here too, but we expect everyone to also speak English, cause we are Americans, even if we actually borrowed English from the English, you know, before those guys screwed it up so much.  I mean really – it’s not a jumper.  It’s a sweater.  A jumper is something little girls wear, like overalls but with a skirt.  And we don’t take lifts, nor do we drive lorries, our cars don’t wear bonnets, and use a freaking article when you say “I’m going to university.”  It’s like we Americans have to tell you everything.

But England is weird too, because they don’t just go by England.  They also go by Great Britain, and call themselves British, not Greatish, or Greatish Britainish.  Or they could be the United Kingdom if you include the unimportant countries around them, like Scotland.  I think.  But again, no United Kindomners.  Also do you speak Scottish and Irish, or Gaelic, or just English cause everyone has to speak English because we do?  I don’t know.  I have not even bothered to Google this.  I do know that even the most racist people love foreign accents, so if you have one, come on over.  We’ll go crazy for you.  Look how successful the Beatles were.  It wasn’t cause of their haircuts.

It wasn't the clothes either.

It wasn’t the clothes either.

Now Spain has it right, because their people speak Spanish, but then Mexico speaks Spanish too.  But the two are not actually the same.  Which means the Spanish I was taught by a white Anglo woman was Spain Spanish, and does little to help me speak Mexican Spanish, and there are a lot more Mexicans around Texas than there are Spaniards.  Just ask Donald Trump.  I took several years of Spanish, but still can’t keep up with them because they speak, like, fast.  And then you like translate in your head, and have to respond, and I just can’t keep up with all of that.  Yet I see some people switch effortlessly from Spanish to English in one breath and I wonder if they are some sort of magician.

Then there’s France.  They speak French.  Fair enough.  But we have people in Louisiana who also speak French.  Also Cajun, whatever the heck that is.  Parts of Canada speak French too.  They don’t speak Canadian, unless you count those guys who used to say “hooser” on Saturday Night Live.

Like, Canada, let's have a beer. Then let us in your country. Please.

Like, Canada, let’s have a beer. Then let us in your country. Please.

On to Japan.  They speak Japanese.  Yay.  Also English.  And Engrish, which is a combination of English and Japanese that usually results in hilarity.  Like small children wearing shirts with rather inappropriate words, while smiling big happy smiles.  Of course Americans are known for getting tattoos done in Chinese or Japanese characters (they’re the same, right?) and end up permanently affixed with stupid words.  Just because the guy says it means “warrior” doesn’t mean it’s right.  You could be walking around with the word “sponge” on your bicep.  I bet our Asian neighbors love it when they see this.  Asian is another word you can call Japanese, or Chinese, or Korean, or Vietnamese, because a lot of Americans aren’t going to bother with the difference.  Because we’re too busy playing their video games.

Africa!  Now this is one crazy place.  They don’t all speak African, you guys.  They have different languages and dialects, and if I looked it up, I could probably tell you one of them.  I think they sound very cool, even if they aren’t saying anything important, like in the introduction to the Lion King.  I heard it’s translated something like “It’s a lion, look it’s a lion” which is better than “Llama, llama, penguins in pajamas” which my friend mentioned, and now I hear every time that movie comes on.  I asked a student from Africa what some names meant, and Simba means “lion”, Mufasa means “king”, and Scar means “bad guy”.  Way to be creative, Disney!

We can say whatever we want to - you don't know what we are a sayin - you just think it a sounds a cool-ah. Cirrrrcle of Liiife!

We can say whatever we want to – you don’t know what we are a sayin – you just think it a sounds a cool-ah. Cirrrrcle of Liiife!

There are a lot more countries, but I know most of you have no attention span and probably quit somewhere around England (Australians speak English too!  Sort of!) so I’ll stop here.  Suffice it to say, language is very confusing, especially when it doesn’t even match the country name, so I think everyone should have to change theirs to make it easier (sort of like when you guys all went metric and we didn’t, but yet you still didn’t change back to feet and inches).  So a “good day” to those who speak Canadian, United Kingdom, Louisiana, Asian, African, and those other places on the map.  You’re welcome.

Alice

 

 

The Republican and the Democrat: A Love Story Part Two

We’re back with Thing Two’s captivating story of two vampires people torn apart by POLITICS.  Can the two ever be together, what with the probable different number of chromosomes?  Let’s find out in part two of: The Republican and the Democrat: A Love Story.

 

CHAPTER THREE

GUNS, GUNS AND MORE GUNS
Ken went on the wonderful web and looked for a good lookin’ dating website for him to find a new gal.

“Hey this one looks swell.” He took a deep breath and started on Democrathotties.com

Name: Kennedy

Gender: male

Voting for: Bernie Sanders

Hobbies: Having long debates on the beach

More about ME: My favorite color is blue, my favorite animal is a donkey, and my uncle is

Bernie Sanders, and I live in a cardboard house since I donated all my money to orphans, plus I’m poor….cool right!!!???

*insert hawt picture*

Before he had decided which angle, or whether he wanted to have his shirt on or not for his “hawt” picture, he got 2 requests already. The first girl was named Bindi Roosevelt, who also liked Donkeys. The other girl was named Katy Reagan…and her picture had her in a red bikini, next to 3 guns. Being bewildered on how such a Republican appeared on a Democratic dating site, he rejected both. His dog started to howl loudly as he finally took his needed picture and went to bed …. dreaming about rich little Marsha.

Ken on his cardboard computer in his eco-friendly cardboard house - with wifi.

Ken on his cardboard computer in his eco-friendly cardboard house – with wifi.

 

CHAPTER FOUR

ELEPHANT CROSSING

It was decided, Ken was going on a date with Harley Quinn Willson.  Ken got into his eco-friendly gear and set off  to meet a new companion.  Ken road his special hot pink, gas reduced, Beatles signed (its not REALLY signed by the Beatles…he just happened to mistake a man with a long fringe cut walking down the street for Ringo.) flower smelling bike of magic. On the way to the meeting place, a quick yet sincere thought whipped past his mind…maybe……. just maybe……..he could get a Ringo haircut.

Ken finally got to the internet cafe where he was to meet his new more than friends friend (hopefully). He parked his Beatle bike and swayed into the cafe. He sat down at a table and made sure that no crumbs had stayed undefeated with a brush of his hand …. and he waited.

 

CHAPTER FIVE

MARSHA’S TURN

Marsha put on her black Prada sandals, and put up her coat. She checked her bed for BB’s, and texted her new boyfriend who went by the name “Chad” which most likely stood for Courageous Happy-go lucky Amazing Democrat hater. A knock came from the north of the house…it was Chad!

“Hey!!” Marsha was so excited to get to know this new man. “Hi Chad!”

“Actually my name is Alejandro, I just shortened it to Chad.” Marsha couldn’t find what sounded weird about that but who cares!!??

“Well, are we ready?” he asked.

Masha got on her billion dollar hat worn by the queen of England.  “Yep! All ready!!”

They set off on their journey to the cafe.

“Hey…this place sounds good, maybe we can eat here.” he said.

Marsha thought it was a great idea…it smelled pretty good in there. They walked in and Marsha sat down while Chad grabbed some napkins. Marsha looked around the place, it looked pretty nice except….

             Kennedy was there!!!!

*****

The suspense is killing you, I’m sure.  We’ll find out what happens next in part three of the thrilling saga of those political lovebirds.  Thing Two was kind enough to leave a message for me at the end of her writing.  Here it is.

*Dear mom, if you are reading this then your prob editing…just so you know, your doing a great job and i love you*

I have pretty amazing kids.

Alice

The Republican and the Democrat: A Love Story

Congrats to all of you.  Thing Two, my eleven-year-old, is a young writer.  She aspired to write as well as Stephenie Meyer, and did so back in first grade.  Still, she decided to write a love story about a Democrat and a Republican in Twilight fashion.  I found it quite promising, and have only (I swear) edited it for grammar and spelling.  Well I edited it as much as Stephenie would.  Enjoy.

 

The Republican and the Democrat: A Love Story

This is the story of the Democrat and the Republican, which is a way better story than Twilight…..like totes…. just ask SM.

Stephany Mayo:

Diz iz the bestz stoiy ever bout ROMANCEEEEEEEEEEEE

See!!! Even famous writers like it. So…. let’s get that out of the way…first we have to tell the story…DUH!!!!! (great intro right!!!???)

CHAPTER ONE,

THE ONE

Kennedy stared at her…her beauty could send one to the moon. Her eyes were as sparkling as global warming. His heart played a saxophone to the tune of her blinks.

“Hey…. you ready for our date??”

Ken snapped out of his fantasy from the feelings he had once she met him.

“Okay now since you have snapped out of it I’ll discuss the plans, first… we need to catch the taxi…but the driver has to be American!!!” Wondering why she was so specific about the driver’s race he called the taxi with her.

Much later…

“This is so romantic!” she said with a sweet stare. The date was almost done…he had passed through all the questions..but he had a feeling one was approaching.

“Hey….” here it comes he thought, the question…he armed himself with excuses. “Are you Republican or Democrat???”

“Democrat.” he said.

She dropped her drink as her mascara dribbled down her cheek. “I’MMM……A REPUBLICAN.” she said  “WEEEE CAN’T BE TOGETHER!!!!”

His heart failed…and he fainted.

"Kennedy noooooooo!"

“Kennedy noooooooo!”

CHAPTER TWO

DONKEY DAY

Ken woke up to a voice stronger than silver.  “I’m sorry…”

He tried to gain his memory. “I’m sorry too…. Marsha.”

“It’s my fault my uncle is Trump.”

Ken understood…since Uncle Bernie wanted him to only date Democrats.

“I guess this is it.” Ken realized this was most likely the last time he was to see her.

“Well bye … I guess.” Marsha walked away with mascara dripping down her shirt…Ken yelled after her …. but she only cried and ran farther.

Ken started to see the clues come together…she only wanted a American around her…in fact right once they had their first date she asked him if he was American, he thought as a bird landed on his shoulder.

“I need a new girlfriend,” he mumbled.

 

What will happen next?  Will Ken and Marsha see past their political stereotypes and have a love as shallow as Bella and Edward in Twilight?  Who knows, she hasn’t written it yet.  Stay tuned. 

Trolls, guns, and magical birds: more politics with Alice!

I hope you all had a great Easter weekend.  I didn’t.  I had stomach ISSUES and they weren’t fun and worst of all they kept me from Facebook for an entire day.  Do you realize what I could have missed with no Facebook News for a whole day?  Everything!  Maybe Donald said something racist or stupid.  Maybe the Enquirer said Ted Cruz was having multiple affairs (luckily I saw THAT one on the newsstand).  Or maybe someone gave Bernie Sanders the bird.

Birds.  Not just for Cinderella anymore.

Birds. Not just for Cinderella anymore.

Luckily for me, I also have my Things – er daughters, and they are very happy to pass on political news of great importance.  Thing One showed me a site called Loser.com that I had never heard of until today.  If you go to the site, you are directed immediately to the Wikipedia page of Donald Trump.  So did someone buy the domain loser.com just to troll Donald? Nah, loser.com has been trolling since 1995 in what the Washington Times called “quiet, pointless obscurity”, its targets having been Al Gore, Obama, and naturally Kanye West (please say he doesn’t run for office).  Donald is just the latest, but like everything Donald, his has gotten the most attention.  I’m shocked Donald hasn’t tried to sue yet (that we know of that is).

Another exciting bit of news (from Time Magazine who also reported on Donald being the latest loser.com victim – way to report Time!) is this video of teen “mean girls” reading the tweets of Donald Trump.  It’s absolutely hilarious until you realize that everything those girls say was actually said first by a 70-year-old man who wants to be President.  Then it’s still funny, but a little sad.  I wonder if he will continue with the highly effective communication tool if elected President.  Pfft, of course he will.

As far as Facebook News, I am with Ted Cruz who says reports of his multiple affairs are ridiculous.  Getting the one woman to marry him had to be an act of voodoo witchcraft – I can’t imagine anything being powerful enough to get him women on the side.  Imagine waking up to that face.  Oh crap – imagine waking up to that face even on the T.V.  I feel a little ill.

Cause really, who would you rather see on your televisions each day?

Kindly if slightly batty old grandpa Bernie Sanders?

Wait, wrong one.  Good enough.

Wait, wrong one. Good enough.

Retired librarian who tries to look cool Hillary Clinton (as a librarian I can vouch for this statement – it’s a tough job).

I still can't figure out my phone - what is this texting?

I still can’t figure out my phone – what is this texting?

Oompa Loompa with Tourette’s Donald Trump?

I like steaks!

I like steaks!

Or . . . or Droopy Doo Doo dog, Ted “Creeper” Cruz?

My voice is all high pitched and shrill too!

My voice is all high pitched and shrill too!

I don’t know about you, but out of this admittedly less than stellar list, I choose the Bern.  I’m not the only one.  Wildlife likes him too, as evidenced by the video in which a cute birdie landed on his podium during a speech.  You might think this an incredible coincidence (and something supporters at the rally got a little too excited about – even before the bird got close to Bernie) but it’s not.  Bernie commands wildlife, guys.  It’s the Democratic Socialist Disney Princess effect.  Remember that Hitchcock movie “The Birds”?  I’d be careful, Hillary and Republicans!  Bernie could unleash his hoard at any time.  Anyway, the bird was cute enough to make it into a Bernie endorsement video.  Cut from video: Duet of “I’m Wishing” from Snow White whistled by Bernie and the bird.

Aw.  Poor little sparrow-whatever-that-bird-is had no idea he was a dove and is even more confused.  Lucky for the bird, he landed near a Democrat.  I can just imagine a Republican, like, I dunno, Donald, taking a shot at him.  I could also see one of his supporters shouting “Sparrow season!” – if said supporter weren’t busy punching a Trump protester.  Speaking of violence, many Republicans are hoping to allow “open carry” guns at the Republican National Convention this year.  This is one time I am not totally against this idea.  Can you just imagine?  It’d be like the O.K. Corral, with bullets zinging across the room as people yell “Yippie-ti-yi-die!” while galloping around in their suits and ties.  Seriously, I wouldn’t want anyone hurt, but it would test whether Republicans are as crazy about guns if said guns are shot near them in an enclosed space by other Republicans.

The Next Republican Convention

The Next Republican Convention

So much excitement to come!  Try to survive.  And if you can’t find a gun, be nice to birds.

Alice out

Everyone should want to be a cat (No Politics Were Featured in this Post)

In light of recent events (like everything), I have made a monumental decision.  I have decided to leave the human race.

I’m going to become a house cat.  Note I am referring to “house” cats here, as in cats who don’t have to work the streets and stuff.  How?  I have a plan for it and everything.  No need for you to know it.

We're switchin' places, you freak.

We’re switchin’ places, you freak.

Why?  Simple.  I’ve got a list.

1 Cats aren’t worried about human stuff like bills, the “P” word, bombs, Justin Bieber, or food.  All they need is supplied for them by the human.  If the human is slow, you only need to rub its leg or lay on the floor showing your belly.  I have tried this as a human to get my husband to fix supper for me, but it was ineffective.

Seriously, I'm starrrrving.

Seriously, I’m starrrrving.

2 Cats don’t have spouses, and they kick their kids out as soon as they can sort of see and walk.  They don’t even have to potty-train them.

Pack your things, you've wasted enough resources!

Pack your things, you’ve wasted enough resources!

3 Cats don’t have to go to work.  Their job involves looking cute until fed, then ignoring everyone around them.  This is sometimes allowed at work meetings, but otherwise they expect you to actually produce something.  Eventually.

Darn it, tricked to another meeting by donuts!

Darn it, tricked to another meeting by donuts!

75 percent of shows on the Internet are about cats.  They never run out of programming.  They can even become stars simply by looking grumpy.  I have yet to be paid for this, yet I do it very well.

I make more money than you do. Bwahahahaha.

I make more money than you do. Bwahahahaha.

5  Cats are allowed to sleep 16 hours a day and no one calls them lazy.  They can even curl up and sleep in someone’s lap.  This is often frowned upon if you are a human, especially if you are not related in some way to the lap.

Lazy if human. Normal if cat.

Lazy if human. Normal if cat.

6  Cats can do whatever they want.  If they want to stick their butt in your face, they can do it.  If they want to stomp on your keyboard, they can do it.  If they want to pee on your laundry, they can do it.  Try doing this as a human, and see how well it works.

These moves are much cuter on a cat than a human.

These moves are much cuter on a cat than a human.

7  No chores for cats.  The human will clean mess up for you, even the toilet.  All that hair you shed on a regular basis?  The human.  You don’t even have to thank them, or acknowledge their existence.  Like children and spouses in a typical human family.

Haha, pick up my poops, human!

Haha, pick up my poops, human!

8  You never need to take a shower, cause you have a tongue for that!  That sort of behavior might land you in a mental hospital as a human, but is totally normal for a cat. (I’m not sure I would like this one as much, unless I was a cat.  Then who cares?  Look at my butt!)

If yoga is acceptable, why not?

If yoga is acceptable, why not?

9  Cats can just zip off any time they want, and not return for hours, and no one questions it.  The last time I tried this, the people at work were super annoyed at me.

Look I had a two hour bathroom break, 'kay?

Look I had a two hour bathroom break, ‘kay?

10  Cats don’t have to worry about the rest of the world, because they have already peed on their part of it to make sure it’s secure.  Humans could solve so many problems this way, if they just stuck to their own porches and litter boxes.

Message to the human race.

Message to the human race.

And that is why I want to be a house cat.  I’ll let you know how it works out.  Or not, because if I succeed, I will no longer care.  I’ll be eatin’ my vittles in front of the computer until I fall asleep in someone’s lap.  That is the life.

Alice

Reality Campaign Sent Me to the ER

Wellllll . . . this election has just . . . shuffled along like a long, drawn out bunch of fillings without Novocaine.  You can’t just fill them at once, it has to be one, two, maybe five at a time.  And there’s 50 teeth, guys, 50 rotten teeth, and somehow, I think it’s gonna hurt when it’s all over no matter what they put in those cavities.

Stephen Colbert has compared the election to a reality show, and I think that’s even better than my dental plan.  It’s also why I believe that if anyone is going to sponsor these candidates, it should be these guys.

From the people who brought you Toddlers and Tiaras, it's the 2016 Presidential campaign!

From the people who brought you Toddlers and Tiaras, it’s the Amazing 2016 Presidential Race!

I have covered several TLC shows in the past, including one where a guy was in love with his car (Trump supporter?), and none of them have compared to this campaign.  We had another five states vote in the third Super Tuesday (how many Super Tuesdays can you have?  Should some be called Super-Duper Tuesday, or even EXTREME Tuesday?) and Trump and Hillary made a pretty clean sweep.  But if you think the other candidates are going to give up, clearly you have never watched an episode of The Bachelor.  These guys (and gal) are going to get that rose, er, nomination, if they have to send people to the ER to do it.

We have had a few drop-outs, so the Republican candidate field has gone from 19 and Counting to three.  Carson made the bold decision to quit when he slept through the last few debates and woke up to find out he’d been voted off the island by pretty much everyone.  Rubio quit too, but he and his boots have great opportunities ahead, like an appearance on What Not To Wear very soon.  So now the Republicans have Trump, Cruz, and Kasich.  Kasich won one state, the only state he’s won so far, but he’s happy, so we’ll just leave him with his car, er um dreams. Just like I’m gonna live in my bubble, cause Trump and Cruz make me want to eat a whole box of baby powder donuts and wash it down with some hot sauce.

Who can't identify with this?

Who can’t identify with this?

You might think I am ignoring the Democrats because I’m a biased somewhat-moderate lib’ral who votes Democrat because they come closest to getting some of the stuff I want (like food).  This is true, but it’s also because the Democrats are just plain dull beside the Republicans.  Sure Hillary has her emails and trail of Secret Obsessions and Crazy Addictions, and Bernie waves his hands in the air like he just doesn’t care causing his hair to electrify, but it just doesn’t compare to the total boobs the GOP has right now.  I should also point out that I don’t hate Republicans – just their politics (Some of my friends are Republican so I’m totally not prejudiced.).  Unless they are politicians, then it’s a pretty safe bet I hate them.

So now it’s down to Cruz and Trump, two candidates that even the Republican party itself hates with a passion.  I did do a little digging into their pasts (not just for Repubs anymore!) and I found some great dirt on Cruz.  If you’ve been reading, you know I already reported that Ted Cruz is suspected of being the Zodiac killer.  But did you know he was also in a Christian metal band?  It’s totally TRUE.  Just look at the proof.

COINCIDENCE? I think not.

COINCIDENCE? I think not.

So now we know that Ted Cruz was not only in a metal band while serial killing his fellow Canadians, he is also a politician who is probably related to a cartoon character named Droopy Dog.  The evil is staggering, honestly.  And then there’s Trump, who is a failed businessman reality star tanning bed victim circus clown politician who rolls around in his money vault like his uncle, Scrooge McDuck.

Donald's first act as President will be putting his face on the currency.

Donald’s first act as President will be putting his face on the currency.

Would I lie about any of this?  Absolutely not.  But I should point out that Ted Cruz can see into your soul with his beady little eyes and make your brain explode.  Also Donald Trump is really a leprechaun.  So be careful with your votes.

What truly amazes me is that even after winning those four states by a YUGE margin, Donald was still ticked off enough to whine about how he has had way more negative ads targeted at him than anyone in campaign history.  Talk about a victory speech!  It looked rather like this.

I can't believe I won quack quack quack quack quack!

I can’t believe I won quack quack quack quack quack!

No one on Big Brother or Bachelor Pad could compare with the antics of the Republican contenders, and I have to say that I mourn the passing of the ones who have fallen, whoever they were.  The Real Politicians of the GOP will live on, as long as the Republican party itself!

At least they will all be welcomed with welcome, opening arms by TLC.  So many shows for them to choose from!  Politician and Pregnant (I want this one for Ben Carson), I Didn’t Know I Was a Politician (shoe-in for half of the former Republican candidates), My Five Wives (Donald Trump), Dumb People Dumber World (any of them), Toddlers and Tiaras (Donald Trump), Here Comes Droopy Boo Boo (Ted Cruz), What Not to Wear – or say – or do (Marco Polo Rubio), Politics: Buried Alive (all of us).

Be prepared, American viewers.  This is all you’re gonna see for a long, long time.  Have a nice day, and wonderful fruit salad life.

Alice

Voters: Are you smarter than a fifth grader?

I didn’t start out intending to be a political humor writer, but what can you do when it’s all just right there for the taking?  It’s like E.L. James decided to write a story of an election, and this is the result.

Anyhoo, I promised to tell you of my experience voting.  I went to the polls the week before Super Tuesday (the first Super voting day) with my Republican husband.  We were the only ones there.  In Texas, you have these little voter booths that resemble old arcade game machines.  You get controls too, only this one is just a dial you use to go down the list of names and select your candidate.  It is not a touch screen, as the sign (created by the poor souls who actually volunteer to register you) clearly states.  Yet every time I touch it first.  As does everyone else.

Voting machines. Also play Pac-Man.

Voting machines. Also play Pac-Man.

But why a rotary dial?  Are we going back to the 80s here?  I guess it fits the arcade theme.  And why does every state do this differently?  Why pregnant chads in Florida?  I don’t get it.  But I digress.  Again.  Mostly because I have to admit that when it comes to voting, I am not that bright.

Obviously I knew who I wanted to select as the Democrat’s candidate, though my husband was still somewhat undecided except for “Not Trump”.  To make this process more confusing to voters, several Republican candidates who had dropped out long ago were still on the ballot.  I wonder how many votes those people got.   It would have been extra funny if somehow Texas had elected, say, Jeb!

I won when I wasn't running! Gorsh!

I won when I wasn’t running! Gorsh!

At least the Democrats had been narrowed down to two for a long time, so easy peasy right?   Then I got my ballot, and I realized I had completely forgotten, in spite of doing this every two to four years since I turned 18, that there was a lot of other stuff on the ballot.  Like bunches of other people I had never heard of, and even a few political positions I had never heard of, and I had to choose one.  Most only had one person, so that was pretty easy, but then Railroad Commissioner had three.  Eenie, Meenie, Mini?  For a while I was terrified I had accidentally voted for a Republican, then I remembered this was the Democratic primary.  Which means they should all be Democrats?  Theoretically?

And then came the story problems, or as the political establishment calls them, referendums.  Oops. I had not looked any of those up beforehand either.  All of these were written in legalese.  I have a Master’s degree in English (no, really!) and I had to read them more than once to make sure I was voting the right way.  There were questions like this one:

Get your thinking caps on!

Get your thinking caps on!

Do you agree with a bill that will not permit the exercise of extreme force upon juvenile seals by way of blunt instrument?

And so you are about to say “no” obviously, cause you want to prevent clubbing baby seals!  But then you realize that it says “permit” instead of “prevent”, but that’s still “no” because it’s permitting clubbing them seals.  Wait, then you remember there’s that “not” in there, so you need to say “yes” you want a bill that doesn’t permit clubbing seals.  Right?   When did seals get permits?  I’m not sure I care about the seals anymore.  Whoever wrote up these referendums needs a club to the head.  My husband who is not an English major, in fact has a reading disability, was there for quite a while after I had finished.  He was also extremely confused.

Like poor Chris.

Like poor Chris.

“I’m not sure what I voted for,” he said.

“Me neither,” I replied.

And we went our merry way, just like most Americans.  And that is how the voting system works, kiddos! I even got a sticker.

Like the short-lived game show Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader, the sad news is that kids actually DO know more than many adults about politics.  They also seem to care about it.  Nevermind that none of them can vote.  Thing Two has a fellow student / arch enemy who is insane about Trump, enough that he carries around his biography like a Bible.  No kid should carry around ANY politician’s bio, especially that one.  Thing Two enjoys responding to his “Trump is Awesome” speeches with taunts of “GO HILLARY!  HILLARY FOR PRESIDENT!”  I love my kids.

If you want some proof that kids know way more than we do (and more than they should, really), here is a video with kids responding to Donald Trump’s antics, and answering questions.  You might be tempted to think they were prompted, but I believe it’s totally real, because you just don’t come up with stuff the way these kids do.  Also no adult would have that much common sense.  Prepare to laugh your head off, then feel sad for their future.  Here it is.

 

 

Now the GOP is hoping to keep the four  candidates in as long as possible in order to prevent Trump from securing enough delegates, thus allowing the party to select its own candidate, rather than the voters.  Something seems wrong with this picture.  It’s a good reason to vote, though, because if you take all the people who don’t bother, you get enough to say, keep a crazed lunatic (choose one) out of office.  And that’s just being a good American.

Here goes nothin'!

Here goes nothin’!

Alice

These are the Fruit Salads of Our Lives

Well, we just had Super Tuesday, and it looks like Hillary won 7 states out of 13 and Bernie won 4 states out of 13 and I realize 4 and 7 don’t equal 13 so I’m not sure what happened.  Also Trump won 7 states, but never had more than 50 percent of the vote.  Hard when there are still 5 candidates running, one of whom (lookin’ at you Ben-o!) didn’t register once.  Also, I voted, but more on that on another post!  Since we still don’t have any clue what’s going on in this most screwed up of elections ev-ah, I thought I’d just do a post in headlines I’ve been gathering up while recovering from my latest bout of plague (thanks Obama!)

The Washington post also has some great images (non-moving gifs!) and tweets, but Gawker had the best headline.  Watch Chris Christie’s pained expressions as he stands trapped behind Donald Trump.  Time to rethink life choices, Christie.

I can see my life flashing before my eyes.

I can see my life flashing before my eyes.

Zodiac Killer: 38 Percent of Florida Voters Think It Is Possible Ted Cruz Is Serial Killer, Poll Says

Sure the killings started in 1968, and Cruz wasn’t born until 1970, but, well, look at the guy.  Do you blame them?

Trump Says Hispanic Voters ‘Get It’

Get that you think they’re rapists? That you want to deport them and / or employ them?  What do they “get” exactly?

Ben Carson’s Fruit Salad Makes the Internet Go Bananas

Ben says “the fruit salad of their life is what I will look at” when choosing a Supreme Court justice.  I think that’s how we’re choosing president instead.  Still it got a lot of amusing tweets including:

 – My tell-all is going to be  called the The Fruit Salad of Their Lives

-The Fruit Salad of Their Life is my favorite soap

and of course

– Make America Grape Again

This one goes to Dr. Ben Carson!

This one goes to Dr. Ben Carson!

 

You can’t make this crap up.  Sorry, Ben, you’re really not important enough for a punch.

Lindsey Graham: Sen. Lindsey Graham Jokes About Gone Bat**** Crazy GOP:   “Speaking at the Washington Press Club Foundation Dinner, Graham had the harshest words for Sen. Ted Cruz. “If you kill Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody could convict you,” he quipped.”

I’m thinking a lot of people don’t like Ted Cruz.  Like EVERY ONE of his fellow senators who won’t endorse him, for instance.

Come on, guyyyys!

Come on, guyyyys!

Emancipation Proclamation: 20 Percent of Trump Supporters Do Not Support Executive Order, Poll Says

And another 17 percent “aren’t sure”.  Just . . . I mean . . . what . . .why . . . next question.

Kevin Spacey: Actor Says ‘We Get What We Deserve’ About US Presidential Election

Speak for yourself, Kev!  Pretty sure most of us do not deserve this.

Trump University: Donald Trump Could Be Called to Testify in Fraud Case, Court Filings Show

Trump?  Fraud?  No way!

 

Everybody do the Donald!

Everybody do the Donald!

Hint to Hillary: Find out.

Ben Carson: Republican Presidential Candidate Says President Obama Was ‘Raised White’

WTF does that even MEAN, Ben?  Does Obama not have a good fruit salad?

Donald Trump: GOP Presidential Candidate Says He Wanted to ‘Punch’ Protester Who Disrupted Rally

Sometimes people think words instead of speak them, Donald.  Still, if you can’t find the protester, you could always punch Ben.  He wants to be attacked.  Or Cruz.  He’s just so darn punchable.

Whaaat?

Whaaat?

Note: I tried to find the headlines I’d picked off FB.  When I couldn’t, I substituted links.  Enjoy your fruit salad!

Alice

 

Delegates, PACs, Caucuses, Primaries, and other words with no meaning

Early voting has started for the Texas primary.  I know because there are massive amounts of Trump signs out in the lawn by one of our voting places.  I think the building has something to do with city government, but really don’t care because the city is run by Republicans.  I did see one Bernie Sanders sticker on the back of a car.  These are brave people.  I’d be afraid of having my bumper shot.

Anyhoo, I should get over there and cast my vote.  My husband votes Republican (I have attempted to reason with him, and barring that, possibly drug him, to no avail) so we act maturely and often vote without each other.  And don’t tell the other person. You know, in case he or she forgot.  We never forget.  But it’s a fun game we play.  He’s not into politics really, which is how we stay married.  But he still votes Republican because it runs in the family or something, like mental illness.  At least we can agree on one thing.  Neither one of us can stand Trump.

I will never, never tire of this picture.  It should be plastered on all his campaign photos.  They'd still vote for him.

I will never, never tire of this picture. It should be plastered on all his campaign photos. They’d still vote for him.

But like acid reflux, he just keeps coming back up.  I actually did try to read a little on this primary caucus thing, and now I am officially way more confused.  They’ve had primaries (or caucuses?) in Iowa, New Hampshire, Nevada and South Carolina, though not all take place for both parties at the same time, and some are decided and some are not and some are closed and some are open and some are mixed (like candy!).  I have no idea why exactly.  I do know Trump is winning a lot. So is Hillary.  (Like there’s been 4 states out of 50!  The media has totally called it already!)

But according to my lawyer friend who does not get news from Facebook, Bernie still has the popular vote of the Democrats.  I’m not sure anyone really has a strong vote with the Republicans, since some still refuse to bow out, even if they have no percentage of the vote.  And some states have split delegates, and are not winner take all though everyone says they have won, and certain delegates have pledged themselves to each (What are delegates again?  Who are these people?  Can I be one? I can delegate great!) but Hillary has the super PACS (like Pac-Man?) and I’m still not totally hip on this whole delegate / PAC thing.  I keep thinking that we should just, you know, vote for who we want ourselves. But what do I know?

My thoughts on this.

My thoughts on this.

I do know I haven’t heard much about these states in a while (I totally forgot about Iowa), so way to go getting your state noticed, guys!  But you should know, there is a lot of stupid out there, so please sane people who happen to want to vote my way, get out and vote.  Even vote for Hillary.  Though I think another four years of Clintons will be torture, it won’t be anything like what we’ll get with one of these wackamoles in the other party.  At this point I am actually missing Romney and McCain, you guys. That’s bad. That’s super bad.  And Super Tuesday (it’s not a football game, sorry) is coming up and we’ll get primaries from several states, including my quiet, unassuming little state Texas.  I’m not scared AT ALL.

But back to the headlines, which stay as wacky as ever!

Brought to you by the ghost of Socks the cat.

Brought to you by the ghost of Socks the cat.

Pat Buchanan political commentator says Trump’s rise is a rejection of “Bush Republicanism.”

Funny, I thought his rise to power came after the opening of the Seventh Seal.  And what is Bush Republicanism exactly? Sort of kind of sane Republicanism?

Pat Robertson: Bernie Sanders voters are a bunch of “ignorant sheep.”

But Pat is like on the 700 club.  I thought it was supposed to be good to be a sheep so Jesus can be your shepherd?  But what do I know?

I STILL know more about politics than most Trump supporters.  Baaaa.

I STILL know more about politics than most Trump supporters. Baaaa.

Trump pranks Jeb Bush by stealing his website campaign.

Trump tweeted “Jeb Bush forgot to renew the rights to his domain name for his website.  Guess who bought it?”  You know, sometimes I forget we’re running an actual political campaign here with all this here tomfoolery!

Jeb Bush: Republican candidate suspends his campaign.

Aw.  Jeb, please know, your political ads were the bomb and I will never forget them.

Jeb doesn't get politics either.

Jeb doesn’t get politics either.

Marco (Polo) Rubio won’t let a cracked molar keep him from campaigning.

OMG, the heroism.  So you were in a prison camp?  Big deal, John McCain!  Rubio has to see the dentist!

Cruz: ‘We are the only campaign who can beat Donald Trump’

Well, you did do it one time out of three.  But – yeah that doesn’t make me feel any better.

I'm totally sincere, guys.

I’m totally sincere, guys.

These guys sure are a hoot.  Thing One discovered a video called “Trump and Friends” which puts the faces of political candidates on the trains from Thomas the Tank Engine, and makes the trains even more disturbing.  But it fits perfectly, considering those trains were always being jerks to each other.  Enjoy!

 

-Alice

 

 

 

 

 

 

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