I’ve been doing this 21 days of Gratitude thing as a hoot, but I just considered that I got this as a part of therapy. In other words, if you are depressed, being grateful for what you have is supposed to make you feel better. But does it? If you’ve never had clinical mental illness, you probably think it should make everything better. You probably apply logic to situations. But that’s just the thing. Depressed people can SEE logic, they just can’t act on it very well. Here’s one example. A dirty house makes you feel bad, yes? Cleaning it would make you feel better. Therefore (x + cow = red) you should get up and clean your house.
As you can see, Mr. Sad Face wasn’t too impressed with Snow White’s chipper attitude toward cleanliness, though blowing her up with a magic wand did bring a smile to his face. That’s always nice. More on that in a bit.
Gratitude journals are supposed to work the same way. But here’s the thing. There are different stages of Depression. It’s never “cured” but you can have times of mostly remission, as long as you take your meds and / or go to therapy or whatever it is you do to cope. But if you are in the really down stage, someone telling you to be grateful is only going to make it worse. For example:
It goes a little differently with the depressed brain.
So you see the difference? It’s not that the depressed person is trying to be obstinate, that’s just how our brains work. We already KNOW we have good things in our lives, and sometimes that us feel even more down. Just because you have depression doesn’t mean you don’t have gratitude. It means you have a chemical imbalance, and possibly some other sucky events have happened in your life. Your brain sees through a different lens when suffering depression. Like the drug commercial we know so well – this is your brain on depression. This is your brain without it. There’s a difference – it’s even visible on brain scans, so it’s not made up stuff to let depressed people lie on their duffs and take no responsibility. No matter how much it seems that way – even to the one who is depressed.
Now gratitude is a good thing, and when you’re out of your darkest days, it’s fine. But please don’t push people to be grateful when that is just one of the many things they wish they can do but can’t. It causes guilt, not happiness. Coming out of depression takes time, and hard work, and the right kind of therapy and meds. It’s not a quick fix. But there is one thing that is – even if the fix only lasts a few minutes. Humor. Humor helps. I’ve been in the hospital, and I’ve seen it work with other “mentals”. It is possible to laugh in the midst of suffering. And that’s part of why I blog. I love humor, and I hope my somewhat bizarre form of it helps people, whether they are sick or not. Remember that rainbows don’t appear during the worst of the thunderstorm. They come after. But during you can always use an umbrella. Until that blows away and you just hide under a taller person. Or – I lost track of my metaphors. Anyway, this is Alice signing out, hoping your brain has a good day.
P.S. I hope you found humor in how Snow White has kind of a Joker grin (not really intended). Why so serious?
Nope, I’m on day . . . 6. That just leaves – carry the two – there’s several days left. So I skipped a bit again and I’m gonna have to throw a few on here, which is better than bothering you with several short pointless posts, right? Sure.
Day 6: Take a few minutes to call someone you haven’t talked to in a while. Tell them how much you appreciate them.
Wait, what? Call someone? They mean, like, text, right? Cause calling is such a pain. Also, who is there to call? No one ever picks up cause, well, since no one calls anymore it must be one of them there telemarketer types. Or bill collectors. Avoid, avoid.
But I signed the fake pledge so – I guess I could call my husband. Haven’t talked to that guy in a while. Wonder what he’s up to – besides the insides of a car. Must find out.
Voicemail. That figures. I told his voicemail about my appreciation for him, and also my appreciation for voicemail. I should get a “k” text any minute now.
Day 7: Take a picture of one thing, person, place or specific moment that makes you feel grateful. Share it with your social network.
My daughter lost my camera bag with the battery charger for a while, so no chance to take a picture. Yes I have an actual camera that isn’t my phone. Anyway, I just read this post today complete with picture. I am grateful that I do not live in this specific moment. The 1950s, otherwise known as the age of Lysol.
The ad is kind of small, so best to view it on That Retro Blog, a blog created by my pal Merbear, which occasionally also stars my own sarcastic commentary. For more info on this fabulous lysol douche – yes I said douche and lysol in the same sentence – see here.
Day 8: Send thank you notes to five people who deserve a little recognition.
Thank you notes? Phone calls? Was this gratitude journal written in the 1950s? Do they expect me to be a wizard? Cause my hand cramps. And I have no idea where any official thank you notes are located. And I’m lazy. Gratefulness is HARRRD.
Fine, okay, I will list some people, but no one be upset if I don’t mention you cause it’s not that I don’t like you (probably), it’s that I have the memory of a gerbil.
1. Merbear: My Wonder Twin who listens to me whine for free, even with her own issues.
2. Noxema Mom: We’ve been friends for almost a decade, but it feels like we were switched at birth at times. She has no blog, but she knows who she is.
3. Ravinj: We’ve known each other since we were eleven and twelve. There are no secrets. She knows about every stupid thing I’ve ever done. Best to keep these people close.
4. Mental Mama: Also listens to me whine and has been where I’ve been (crazyville).
5. Every one else who is special and I can’t remember cause gerbil brain: Thanks. You guys are the greatest. Kiss kiss, Alice.
I just remembered I didn’t add in my Things. Or that husband person. Whoops. They get it.
Okay, so done with the gratitude for now. I would like to thank the Academy that I missed the Oscars last night, though I hear there were some decent dresses worn.
Requests for Alice!!!
P.S. I’m wondering if there was anything you’d like to see me write about. For instance, I was just watching TLC the other day, and there was Sexy Times in the ER where a guy used hot sauce where he really shouldn’t and all sorts of shenanigans took place ending up at the hospital! And TLC just keeps crankin’ out the weirdo shows like “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” in spite of the hot sauce incident and “Strange Addictions”. Latest one was a guy addicted to eating ONLY French Fries (way too edible there), and another dude who liked dressing up as a rubbery, cross-dressing doll. Also, there are several children’s shows I haven’t tackled to the ground yet, like Maisy Mouse, and Cailou, and who knows what other demon filled creations are out there to entertain our kids. There is also a certain population that never comments but really, really likes my posts about torturing virtual people. So anyhoo, let me know in the comments below if there’s something you’d like to see. Grats to all.
Alice (cause I’m so bold)
So I’ve fallen behind in my gratitude stuff, blah blah, bite me. I’m determined to get through every one of these (aren’t you happy?) Let’s see, what was Day 3?
Day 3: Write about something you feel grateful for in your life today.
I just know what some people would write here. God. I’m grateful to God cause like I exist and He hasn’t started another flood in spite of the Tea Party, etc etc. You know what I think? Total cop out there. Don’t get me wrong – I have nothing against God at all. I just have something against people who feel they constantly, and I mean CONSTANTLY, have to tell everyone how much they love Him. It’s sort of like the guy who is always going on and on about how wonderful and perfect and speshul his wife is. If he’s been married to her over 24 hours, I’m looking for the girl in the closet.
Note: You show love for people (and the god you worship) in how you LIVE not just in what you SAY. That being said, I’m so so grateful for my readers! You guys are awesome! Even the spambots!
Okay, fine, that’s a no-brainer too. Obviously I’m grateful for my readers. Just like I’m grateful for my Things – especially when they are hilarious and clever and, at times, out of my hair. So I need to use my noggin to come up with something different. And I did. Not only that, it takes out two days of gratitude with one stone!
Day 4: Write a short message of thanks for some of the “negative” things in your life.
I didn’t put the quotes around negative. What do they mean by “negative”? Are we talking “dog doo on the shoe” vs “terrorist attack” or what? Nevermind. I found something that answers what I’m grateful for even though it’s a definite negative (no quotes needed).
I am grateful for E.L. James.
No, I’m serious. I am thankful, in the negative, for her because if she hadn’t written such crappy books, I would not have been compelled to make 1,000 posts mercilessly mocking them (and her) and so would not have been noticed by someone else mocking her (Speaker 7 – rest her soul) and would not have gotten my hilarious, inspiring readers. Which I really am grateful for, along with God (please don’t strike me down).
Okay, so 3 and 4 are done and now we’re on day 5. Hurrah.
Day 5: Take five minutes to write about how grateful you are for all of the wonderful things that you currently have in your life. Don’t long for what you can’t possess-instead, take stock of all the blessings you already enjoy.
Five minutes? Am I supposed to time myself, cause I type pretty fast. Also, has anyone else noticed that this is getting a bit repetitive? How many times do I need to be grateful for the same things? And another thing – notice that grateful is not spelled like “great” but like “grate” which is something that like covers vents and stuff? I always have to hit spell check on that one to make sure I’m right. Maybe not after this exercise.
I also considered that this would be a good way to show off to other people, especially if you post these suckers on Facebook or something. For example:
I’m grateful for my 1,000 inch flat screen TV, my XBOX 7500, my 5 million buckaroos in the bank, my handsome and virile husband, my perfect straight A, gorgeous, athletic children, the LORD, my house in Malibu, Ronald Reagan, brown paper packages tied up in string, kittens, and the less fortunate people (ie the rest of you) because you make me feel superior. Amen.
I could do that, but I won’t. I, Alice, am thankful for all the wonderful things in my life (how long have I been writing now?) like fuzzy socks, electric blankets, and those family and friends I live with and chat with (like my Wonder Twin!) and all that stuff. And also my FABULOUS READERS who will most definitely leave me lots of comments now.
I have been involved in some GROUP therapy work which is supposed to make me less Sad Pony and Squirrel and more like my usual sarcastic self.
Day 1 was just signing a pledge that I would do it. Here is my pledge.
I, Alice, pledge to do this gratitude thing because why the heck not.
Today is Day 2. I was instructed to make an alphabetical list of things I am grateful for, so I sought help from my Things and whatever came up off the top of my head.
A: Asphalt – we drive on it and it beats dirt
B: Birth control – I only have two kids! Yay!
C: Calculator – because I am bad at Math
D: Dragon Tales – the show that got me lots of hits from angry crazed fans.
E: Elevator – cause I’m too lazy for stairs
F: That word I cannot say
G: Garage - where my husband goes
H: Hatahs – cause they gonna hate hate hate but I’ll shake ‘em off, shake ‘em off
J: Jesus – cause I’m afraid not to list Him
K: Kmart – low low prices!
L: Lunatic – which I am not hurray!
M: Money – I likes it
N: Nice people – cause I can take advantage of them, I mean, cause they’re nice!
O: Organs – Cause livers and spleens are good things to have.
P: Pee!: Always a relief
Q: Quasimodo – Reminds me I do NOT have a hump!
R: Radio – even if it was killed by video
S: Spammers – Who are like half my readers! Much to the thanks, guys!
T: My Things (or children, whatever)
U: Ugly people – they make me feel pretty
V: Victory – I like beating people.
W: Words – they go in the sentences (please tell E.L. James)
X: Xanax! Woooooot!
Y: Yeti – they are all white and fluffy and eat people
Z: Zantac – beats acid indigestion
What do you think? Do you have an alphabetical grateful list? Could you make one and put it in my comments section? The weirder the better. The best one I’ll list in a future post with a link back to their blog so spammers can find them! Or you can NOT do it, see if I care.
Hullo, Alice here. I have been ripped out of my seclusion because I just had to tell you about the most romantical movie ever made, so romantical they of course had to release it on Valentine’s Day! Before I begin, I must warn you that this post is not fit for children, dogs, or respectable human beings.
Are they gone? Great, it’s just us. Naturally, the movie I am referring to this:
That’s right, folks! Just when you thought it had crawled under the sewer grates of the world to die, it has returned! 50 Shades of Crap – er Grey! I was going to put in one of the posters from the movie there, but even WordPress for some reason refused to let me do it – three times in a row. I guess even they have standards.
Of course the movie producers could have saved time by just doing this:
I’m not sure why they didn’t just get Kstew and Rputz or whatever their names are to star in this one. Everyone knows their careers are pretty much in the toilet after those Twilight movies. But then again, a number of actors ran from this movie, so maybe they finally wisened up too.
Anyhoo, you might be wondering if I went to see this great feat of sinamatography (spelling intended). I refuse to spend that much money to sit in a theater and watch this, especially considering I would spend the first 15 minutes either heckling it or snoring, and would soon be thrown out. Will I get it on video? Oh, you know I will, if only so I can answer some of those deep down, burning, throbbing questions. For instance:
1. The tampon scene
If you haven’t read the books, you can check out my review of said chapter, or try to forget I ever mentioned it. Suffice it to say, I really want to know how they pull that one off, er, um, fit it into an R rated movie. Personally, I think they should have aimed for XXX or even ZZZ.
2. Christian introducing Ana to his “manhood”.
I just have to see if they include that, and how the actors manage to keep from falling out of the bathtub laughing.
3. Christian’s lobby
There better be a buttload of sandstone there, or I will be sorely disappointed.
Speaking of buttload, there must be buttplugs. A whole drawer full of ‘em. Maybe some will be shaped like Mickey Mouse or something. They should go all out (and in) on this.
5. The way Christian’s pants hang.
Just how DO they hang? From his hips showing his underoos like Marky Mark? Maybe they hang from his nipples? The world must know.
6. The emails
Will we be treated to that heart-stopping typing action with all its vomit-inducing cutesy-ness? I can’t wait.
7. The sex scenes
I will not accept these scenes as authentic unless Ana says “Oh Jeez” at least once, and makes lots of pirate noises (argggh).
8. The bicycle incident
Early in the book Ana is almost hit by a van er I mean a bicycle. I think they should get Lance Armstrong to guest star. It’s not like he could fall that much farther.
9. Christian’s long fingers
I’m hoping they add on some appendages, kind of like Edward Scissorhands, only not as subtle.
10. Ana’s multiple personalities
Will we hear all of Ana’s thoughts rattling around in that empty head as voice-overs, or will they get actual people to play her subconscious and inner goddess? I expect pom poms.
And that’s just the START of my questions. Now there is a chance the movies will be better than the books. Like Twilight, I really can’t imagine them being worse. I can think of a few suggestions to make things a little more interesting. For instance, instead of tying Ana to a cross, Christian could tie her to that wheel from The Price Is Right, spin her around, and attempt to mate with her (or the board) while it spins. If they time it right, they could win the Showcase Showdown.
I guess I’ll never know for sure unless I actually watch it, but guessing is half the fun. So I ask you readers, did any of you go to see this piece of . . . movie history? Do you have any guesses about what it will be like? Or are you, like most sane people, in denial that the book or anything like it ever took place? Let me know in the comments below!
So last Thursday we had a snow day. Wait, let me say that better. Snow dayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Wooot! Bounce around! Stay in jammies all day, no work, no school! As you can see, I still react to snow days the way I did when I was the Things’ ages. But who doesn’t like a free day off?
Still, we should be thankful for who was responsible for dumping snow and ice on us in just the right amounts to cancel work (rather than just enough to make it crappy, which is what happened the next day). That’s right. Elsa, the snow queen from Frozen, finally did something right! Unfortunately, her friends weren’t quite so happy. My Things got it all on film.
The other princesses aren’t too happy with the situation, especially since they were at a beach party and have no pants.
You can probably guess what happened next. It was a while before the snow cleared up, and even longer before the ladies decided to go without pants.
All pictures and doll arrangements made by Thing One and Thing Two. I just loaded them and helped with captions. Hope Elsa doesn’t get too mad at all of you – or at least gets mad just the right amount.
“All I want from tomorrow
Is to get it better than today.”
– “Jacob’s Ladder” – Huey Lewis and the News
Life is hard. Like Math. It’s just hard. And when you add on extras to life, like depression and anxiety and asthma and whatever my next diagnosis might be (weird?) it gets harder. Getting out of bed, knowing you have to get a teen and a pre-teen out of bed in the morning when you have a giant stone sitting on you, knowing there WILL be drama, knowing you will be exhausted from it before you even get to your actual job, knowing that is enough to make one not want to wake up in the morning. This isn’t to say I want to literally climb Jacob’s ladder up to Heaven right this minute (Is there a downward ladder? I hope not in my case). It’s just that I don’t do mornings. Or afternoons. It’s that I want a break. From life.
But you don’t get breaks. Even if you do, you know it’s temporary. The job waits, the kids wait, the husband waits, the bills wait. Well sometimes the bills get all uppity and don’t wait and go to those nice, friendly collection people who offer me discounts if I pay, whereas if I paid on time I would not get a discount. I’m not sure what lesson they are teaching us here.
In the movie Office Space, exhausted office worker Peter says, “So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that’s on the worst day of my life.” Ever feel that way? I’m 38, which means that I’m looking around another 30 years or so before I can retire, and that’s if I even CAN retire. Saying I live that long and don’t die at my desk. I don’t have a cubicle. I wish I did because then people wouldn’t see me and ask me for stuff like books and crap.
Still you have to keep going, and you can’t look too far ahead. It’s too scary. That’s why I like this song by Huey Lewis, “Jacob’s ladder”.
Step by step, one by one
Higher and higher
Step by step, rung by rung
Climbing Jacob’s Ladder
Rung by rung, day by day, hour by hour sometimes. Just get through it.
I’m just another fallen angel
Trying to get through the night
Oh and the nights are the worst, when everyone else is asleep and there you are just racing in your hamster wheel – the one in your head anyway. Your body just sits, or sits and taps a foot or a leg or just plain vibrates. I can only hope I burn calories when I do this. Thinking about tomorrow, and what I’ll have to do.
All I want from tomorrow
Is to get it better than today
That’s it. That’s all I can do. Make another day, and hope the next one is better than the last. And maybe it will be. It’s that hope that keeps you climbing. Step by step. Rung by rung.
Higher and higher.
I saw a cute little lego castle – and it was Frozen, so I thought GREAT. I bought it before the scalpers could jump the price up to even higher than legos are normally priced. I figured, hey, the girls and I love Frozen and building the thing together should be tons of fun!
I am very dumb sometimes!
See, what I didn’t realize was that the castle would be so small. By small I mean like slightly over microscopic. This is not to say there is no detail, oh no. There is a LOT of detail. Like 5 thousand pieces worth or so. The box claims there are only 292 pieces, but I think they’re lying. I personally would have given up on the first level (yeah there are three) but luckily I had Thing Two with me, the Master Builder.
You might notice on the box that it says this set is for ages 6-12. WTF. I happen to be much older than 12, and I was about to lose it. I can only imagine a six year old putting this thing together, unless said six year old is incredibly brilliant and dexterous and comes from Oz which is probably also a set made by Lego in 5 billion pieces. My Thing Two is ten, and yes happens to be brilliant, so brilliant she made her own youtube channel right under my nose on the computer in the living room after I told her not to do it and also made her own videos which I don’t even know how to do. I didn’t discover this until 2 months later. That’s how to be a “with-it” parent, you guys.
In this instance, her devious tenacity came in very handy. After only 6 or 70 hours or so, we had the entire thing together. By “we”, I mean “she”, although she did allow me to put some pieces in, as she said “So you can feel involved, Mommy.” Here is a picture of our fabulous work.
It really is a very neat set. It comes with three figures – Anna, Elsa, and Olaf. Olaf gets his own picnic set like in the movie, which was great cause I could just shove him over to the side that way. There’s also a sled which Anna and Elsa can ride, as well as ice skates, and skis, and a tiny hill they can slide down or hide cookies inside, if they choose. I don’t know why they’d choose this, but whatever.
You’ll notice the side of the castle has some cool stairs. Those were neat. There’s also a tree. Don’t ask Thing Two about the tree. It about drove even her over the edge since the instructions told us in intimate detail how to put together the three parts of Elsa but not any steps on making the dumb tree.
Inside on the first floor is an ice cream and popsickle machine. I don’t recall this being in the movie, but then again, Elsa had no furniture that I could tell in the movie. I guess she was too busy running around doing dramatic Broadway numbers to care. Anyway, it’s cute.
Upstairs you’ve got Elsa’s balcony so she can belt out her “Let it Go” tune for the 564,493,206 time. Also she has a bed and a book to read – it looks like it’s the Snow Queen. I bet she didn’t like the reading there. There’s probably a reason they named the villain after the original author.
On the top story there’s mostly just a seat and a torch. Not sure how the torch doesn’t burn down the castle, but I guess it’s her magical powers and all that. Anna has a torch to hold as well, in case she gets mad at Elsa and decides to test those magical powers. Elsa was supposed to have a frozen scepter, though that got left out of the set. Fortunately we have an extra arm for Olaf, more giant cookies, and other extras we didn’t need to make up for it.
Kristoff, Sven (he’s the reindeer), and my favorite sociopath, Prince Hans, are not in this set. I hope they make another set soon so I can add them to my collection after Thing Two builds it for me. Right now, the three have to play with Vadar whose head fell off and a Ninjago figure. She does have some handcuffs, though, which will come in handy when we get a Hans figure.
Hope you enjoyed this review and be warned. Legos are cool, but evil.
Things were going well. I wasn’t sick all the time. There were birds twittering in the trees and crap.
Then came . . . THE COLD. And the birds froze and died and fell out of the trees. Not really, they got the heck out of here, but I can’t because I live here. I live in Texas, so it’s not as bad as Yankee weather. I don’t understand how anyone can live up north without sacrificing themselves to a snow plow. My father had a sophisticated term for this type of cold. “Colder than a well-digger’s butt in Idaho”. That is the ultimate in cold, though I have never been to Idaho, met a well-digger, or taken the temperature of his butt.
Let it snow, let it snow, MAKE IT STOP. I hate that song, and the White Christmas song, and I hate snow. Also ice. And cold, did I mention that? Partly I hate cold because it makes my lungs have seizures or something and then refuse to come out and play. So it’s hard to breathe and I get sick easier. This is partly why I haven’t posted in a while. I am sorry about that. You can go on living happily now.
I went to the doctor, but he said I just have a cold that has lasted since last Wednesday. A cold – from the cold. How nice. This cold cold has stuffed up both my nostrils and my brain. I can’t the think straight. Thinking is not needed to write on my blog. It is needed to work, so I’m not sure what I’m going to do about that. I have to write a short bio on former slave Frederick Douglass for our exhibit. This is what I have so far:
Where was I? Oh, yeah, the cold. Did you know there are people who actually like this weather? I knew one guy who did, and it’s a good thing he lived elsewhere cause this makes me angry. Know what else does? Elsa. That’s right, the freaking snow queen from Disney’s Frozen. I used to like her but now I’m starting to think she’s kind of a jerk. Prancing around in a flimsy dress while everyone else freezes to death. Real nice, Elsa.
So I’m supposed to end this blog post with a kick or something. But I got nothing but rambling. So here were go.
He lived. It was cold. He died.
I had absolutely no idea what to write for a Christmas post so I figured I would let you look back fondly on that year I sued Santa cause why not? I’ve helpfully combined all the posts (a series of letters back and forth to the big guy and our attorneys) right here. You’re welcome, and Merry Whatever.
Alice’s Letter to Santa
From: Alice [Alice@wonderland.com]
To: Santa Claus [thebigSman@northpole.com]
Subject: My DemandsDear Santa,
Hey you know that stuff where I said I didn’t believe in you and your stupid tiny reindeer? Just kidding! I think you’re totally real and that you’re going to give me lots of material crap. That is what you do, right? I admit I’m a little confused on the whole concept. At four, my daughter asked to lead a prayer. Her prayer went as follows, “Dear God. Please ask Santa to bring me Barbie and the 12 Dancing Princesses. Amen.” I never realized you were middle management for God, Santa. I guess I could pray to your boss, but I think you’re a more direct line; and praying might be pushing it for me, as I hear your boss has lightning bolts.
My list is pretty simple this year. I just want peace and happiness and love and joyness for everyone. Also I want everybody to have a new purple flying Pegasus unicorn of their very own. Pfft, not really. I want a lot of stuff for me. You might get me the new purple flying Pegasus unicorn, since you failed to do that back when I was a child. This could be your chance to redeem yourself, fatty. I mean, Santa.
There are a few things I’d like for others, but mostly because it benefits me. First, I’d like that stupid kid to get her two front teeth, that other kid to get the darn hippo, and finally for that Santa baby twit to get all her crap so that they will all finally stop singing those songs. I hate them. A lot. Can you do that Santa? That would be swell.
Next I’d like for politicians to shut up. I think that would be ever so wonderful. They ought to be allowed to speak only on special occasions. With scripts. Prepared by normal human beings. I’m not sure how you’re going to accomplish this. Maybe you could import them all to the North Pole and give your poor elves a break. Yeah, I know all about your North Pole sweat shop you got going up there, Santa.
But what material possessions would I like for me? Glad you asked. I would like one of those living vacuum cleaners like the Teletubbies have. Get me a Noo-Noo. Also a new house. I know, you don’t have lots of houses at the shop. That’s okay. John McCain can’t even remember how many he has, so if you snatched one of his, he probably wouldn’t even know. Thanks.
If you just do these simple things for me, I will not only forgive you for past wrongs; I will not report you to the government for exploiting elves.
I’ll be waiting. Don’t mess up. I know where you live.Alice Santa’s Reply 12/13/12 Hey, guys, you won’t believe this, but I totally got a response from Santa. I think he might have been slightly perturbed by my letter. Check it out:
From: Santa Claus [ThebigSman@northpole.com}
To: Alice [email@example.com]
Subject: Your Letter
My goodness, you are a RUDE little thing, aren’t you? And here I saw a picture of this cute little girl in a pinafore and thought that I was going to get a decent letter this time. Imagine my surprise when instead I got YOU.
You, Alice, are so not getting your Noo-Noo, or one of John McCain’s spare houses, and I’m certainly not letting you have one of my prized purple Pegasus unicorns. Those only go to good little girls. Good little girls do not ask Santa to steal, and they certainly do not try to blackmail Santa. That is a no-no. Therefore, I hate to say this Alice, but you are officially on my Naughty List.
And the Naughty List is NOT a good thing, no matter what those terrible books you’ve been reading say. Yes, I know about those. I see you when you’re sleeping, I know when you’re awake, and I know when you’ve been reading E.L. James. Shame, Alice. For shame.
I thought you should also know, Alice, that Santa unfollowed your blog. And I defriended you on Facebook. I do believe you are the only child Santa has ever defriended. Very sad, Alice. Expect coal to arrive in your inbox any time now. Also a large pile of reindeer poop I just had my elves scoop off my front porch.
Speaking of elves, I will have you know that they are very well treated. They do not work in a sweat shop. It’s very cold here. And I pay them in happiness and joy and Christmas spirit. Do you know what Christmas spirit is, Alice? It is not calling Santa a “fatty”, Alice. For your information, Santa is just big boned.
If you would like to get off my Naughty List, I would suggest you start doing the following:
Pet a kitten every day.
Stop reading 50 Shades.
Try to be nice. Or at least pretend.
Stop blackmailing me and calling me fatty.
P.S. I haven’t been able to find Rudolf lately. That wouldn’t have anything to do with you, would it?
More Fun with Santa
That Santa is messing with the wrong girl. I decided to send him a friendly-type reminder via email.
From: Alice the Terminator [firstname.lastname@example.org]
To: Santa Jerk [ThebigSman@northpole.com]
Subject: What blinks red and poops glitter?
Forgot to mention one little thing. Ding ding. That’s the sound of a reindeer harness. I have the best new flashlight ever. Also, a great lawn ornament. The most realistic on my block. Just sayin’.
Ooh, look, and here’s a picture:
Looking forward to my Noo-Noo. Hint, hint.
P.S. It was way too easy to hack into your Facebook, Santa. “Ho, ho, ho” is a really lame password. Anyway, you are now friends with E.L. James. F.Y.I.
Santa Strikes Back
Wow, I am really enjoying these exchanges with old St. Nick. That’s what I love about WordPress. The community aspect. Hey, lookie, I got another email.
From: Santa is NOT a fatty [ThebigSman@northpole.com]
To: Naughty Alice [email@example.com]
Subject: Santa is getting a little angry now
There is no end to your depravity, is there? I sent a SWAT team of elves out to fetch my poor reindeer. Instead of Rudolf, what do I get? A pony with a bulb strapped to his nose. A depressed pony at that. Where is Rudolf?
If I don’t get my reindeer back soon, there will be no one to drive my sleigh. Then how will anybody get presents? You know, the deserving children that don’t steal and blackmail and kidnap innocent reindeer. Think about it.
P.S. Santa has nukes. F.Y.I.
Well, this was getting out of hand, so I figured I needed some representation, STAT! Fortunately Thing One offered some advice as well as the help of her firm.
(In other words, part of this post was Thing One’s idea.)
From: The Law Offices of Thing One, Thing Two, Sad Pony, & Squirrel
To: Mr. Santa Edward Claus
c/c: Reindeer Incident
Dear Mr. Claus:
We refer to the incident involving the alleged kidnapping of one Rudolf Reindeer on the night of December 12, 2012. Our client respectfully has no idea what you are talking about. Said reindeer simply followed her home one day and our fellow attorney Sad Pony was there taking notes for the upcoming court case. Our client consents to returning said reindeer, but requires back payment of Christmas Presents for the last thirty or so years in return.
It has also come to our attention that you have a nuclear factory located within 50 miles of your workshop. This is against North Pole code, and has possibly resulted in the glowing red nose of said reindeer as well as the various mutations found in some of your elves. It would be in your best interest to cease and desist operating your factory, before more legal action is taken against you.
Thing One, Thing Two, Sad Pony, & Squirrel, LLC
A Letter to Santa From his Attorney
Today I am proud to announce my very first guest blogger, Ravin from Ravin’s Rantings. Ravin has been my friend since I was just a 12 year old slightly deranged person. We are a tad older now, but she is still here – and now on my blog! Her firm is representing Santa, but it doesn’t look good for him, you guyz. Check it out:
Dear Mr. Claus,
I was alarmed and saddened to hear of the recent situation you face with Alice. We here at Elf Law are of course at your service. I must, however, advise you to settle out with Alice, for several reasons.
First, a lawsuit would not go well. The bad publicity would threaten your endorsement contracts with Coca-Cola and retailers.
Secondly, while I am aware that you have declared the North Pole a sovereign nation and yourself Absolute Dictator for Immortal Life, Russia and Norway would likely dispute your claim. Further, the North Pole Code took over five hundred years to develop in its modern form through careful negotiation between you and the native population of Elves. You already have a dubious track record with indigenous people:
If word of the nuclear power plant violation of the North Pole Code got out, The Elves Local #1 would strike, and force you to source new workers and move your workshop off-planet. Child labor trafficking isn’t as cheap as it was in the 50′s, Santa. You really don’t want to go there. You already have a criminal record, need I remind you?
I think it is also pertinent to remind you what happened the last time you allowed a feud with a mortal to escalate.
In conclusion, the next time you have a dispute with a mortal, I suggest you call our office immediately, before taking actions that may be grounds for an emotional distress tort claim. Unfriending her and unfollowing her were reasonable decisions. Taunting and provoking a clearly unstable person by mentioning that you had done so may have gone beyond the bounds.
Had you simply cross-referenced her against our records, you would have found that you were under no obligation to respond to her letter or deliver anything to her, as your contract requires only delivery to minor children and she is an adult, pinafore notwithstanding. Additionally, Wonderland is outside our delivery area because of the undue hazard of entering the jurisdiction of the Red Queen and the relative lack of mortal children there.
However, given the mess you have made of the situation, taking her offer of an exchange in an alternative delivery location would be the prudent action at this time.
Elf Law, L.L.C.
Well, after that exchange, you’d think I’d have gotten everything I wanted. This is not the case. Still waiting. Good luck to you, and Happy Holidays to yours and Fox News.