TEXAS!

The other day I was talkin’ with one of my Yankee friends (that’s Southern for Northerners) and she had never heard of the chain of stores called Hastings.  I thought everyone had.  Then it occurred to me that not everyone was Southern, and even more bizarre, not everyone was from TEXAS since as most of you know we are the capital of the United States.  Or our own country.  We can’t decide.  There’s been six flags over us, and we’re ready to add more.

A "don't litter" slogan with more than one meaning.

A “don’t litter” slogan with more than one meaning.

So this morning I thought of a list of stuff that I think is relatively unique to the South, or at least to Texas since that’s the only Southern state I’ve lived in (it’s the only state I’ve lived in, but nevermind).  Yeah, Texas gets a lot of flack, but that is why we have Mississippi and Alabama, to make us look good.  (Sorry people in Mississippi and Alabama – I know there are some hold-outs there that are not, in fact, Gator hunters).

So here’s my list so far.  If you know what I’m talking about here, let me know in the comments.

Do you know what this is?  If not you aren't Amer-i-can!

Do you know what this is? If not you aren’t Amer-i-can!

TEXAS!!!

Cotton-Eyed Joe – and the dance that goes with it

Pick-up Trucks – almost everyone has one and most of them have never hauled ANYTHING.

Boots n’ Jeans – most of the people in boots have never been on a ranch like ever.

Guns, Guns, Guns – fun bumper sticker: “You can take my guns bullets first.”

We make 'em for gals too!

We make ‘em for gals too!

People who still wave the Confederate flag

Soft drinks are Coke whether they are Sprite, Pepsi, Mountain Dew, or actual Coke.

Rednecks

Six Flags Over Texas  – Do you know what they are?  Besides a theme park.  Yes it’s a theme park.

Cadillac Ranch – not an actual ranch but there are planted Cadillacs.  Really.

Church on Wednesday night and twice on Sunday (plus other Bible studies too!)

Chicken-fried Steak (this is the best food evah)

Texas is still the biggest state because Alaska is mostly ice.

Did we mention we're big?

Did we mention we’re big?

Smack in the middle of this conservative state is a capital so liberal even I think they’re weird.

“Texas” the musical, which is totally not a rip-off of “Oklahoma” the musical.

Tumbleweeds

FOOTBALL is the only sport.

Dust Bowl – it’s not just for The Great Depression anymore!

The Panhandle – notice how the top of the state is like a handle to a really messed up pot?

Palo Duro Canyon – it’s a big hole, but it’s OUR big hole.

Mexicans are considered a minority despite being a majority.

We can secede at any time, watch us.  No really, we’re gonna.  Hey, guys, we’re leaving!  Um, guys?

Every small child wishes they lived in Oklahoma when it’s time to draw the state.  Really, who thought up those borders?

Long, long stretches of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

We don't let signs get in OUR way.

We don’t let signs get in OUR way.

Okay, so that’s what I’ve got for now.  I’m sure I’ll think up other things – and you can TOO though it won’t be as good if you are not from TEXAS.  Sorry.

Also a shout-out to my buddy Merbear who is having a contest where you can win a Beatles book that was touched by her hands and everything and you should really want it.  It’s easy, you just take a song lyric and do something with it, like draw something lame in Paint.  If you’re me, that is.  You really don’t want me to win this by default, because I will still rub it in everyone’s face. Cause Texas.

Alice

Angsty Songs: Grenade!

Song go BOOM!

Song go BOOM!

It’s been just ages since I wrote one of these song reviews.  Heck, it’s been ages since I wrote a post.  But the other day I was just INSPIRED to write when I heard this awesome song by Bruno Mars.  It’s called “Grenade” so I knew that obviously it had to be a love song and IT IS!  Check out these lyrics:

Should’ve known you was trouble
From the first kiss
Had your eyes wide open
Why were they open?

Um, I dunno, Bruno?  So she could get better aim?  Cause she had something in her eye?  Also, how do you know her eyes were open unless yours were open, which means you’re doing the same thing, ie not closing your eyes while kissing.  Is this a requirement?  I guess so since it’s the gal who is clearly the trouble here as you’ll soon see.

Hint: these two should keep eyes open cause they really don't know what they are doing.

Hint: these two should keep eyes open cause Eddie is clearly aiming for her nose.

Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
‘Cause what you don’t understand is…

Just give me all your love, that’s all I ask!  And by all your love it’s not like I’m talking anything crazy, like being willing to die for me by various methods.  I mean, tossing love in the trash, that’s just mean, girl, cause look at what he’s willing to do for you!  Just wait!

Hey who threw all this LOVE in the trash?  Gross!

Hey who threw all this LOVE in the trash? Gross!

I’d catch a grenade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)

Well, uh, that’s nice.  Saying we were in some baseball game where live explosives were used, I guess any girl would be grateful not to be the catcher.  Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Throw my hand on a blade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)

So you’re – just throwing your hand on a blade?  For me?  Gosh that’s – not frightening at all!  That is the most romantical thing ever!  I’m a hidin’ the silverware, though.  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I’d jump in front of a train for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)

Okay, Bruno, dude, I really can’t see any reason why you would need to jump in front of a train for someone unless you have sparkly vampire powers and can make it all go crunch with your body.  I’m pretty sure it’s the opposite thing that will happen here.  As in Bruno go crunch. Yeah yeah, REALLY yeah.

Bruno, look OUT!

Bruno, look OUT!

Oh, I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain

That’s . . . awesome.  Grenades, blades, trains, now a gun!  Maybe we should not let Bruno around any weapons or methods of transportation.  He seems just a tad unstable.  Even more unsettling about this line is that the first time I heard it sung it was by a three-year-old on Ellen.  No, seriously.  And she gave him lots of toys for it cause it was so GOSH DARN CUTE.  “Take a buwwet thwu my bwain fer youuuu.” he sings with passion and I am not at all worried.

Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won’t do the same

I understand your sentiment, Bruno.  I mean, Romeo and Juliet died for each other and they were like fourteen so clearly they should be imitated.  Also, if you’re both willing to die for the other one, and you both die, this romance is gonna be one bloody mess.  And by bloody mess I mean literal bloody mess.  But golly, true love!

Black, black, black and blue
Beat me ’til I’m numb
Tell the devil I said “Hey” when you get back to where you’re from
Mad woman, bad woman
That’s just what you are
Yeah, you’ll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car

Boys and girls can we say pro-jec-tion?  This mad, bad devil woman is beating this guy black and blue and that’s just mean!  Also pointless since he seems willing to do all that stuff to himself already.  I do like how she’s willing to rip the brakes out of his car.  I think if this guy continued to follow me around, I might be tempted to do the same.  Especially if said guy was dragging a piano around behind him everywhere he goes.  Like in the video.  No, really, check it out.

Why is he dragging the piano?????

If my body was on fire
Oh, you’d watch me burn down in flames
You said you loved me, you’re a liar
‘Cause you never, ever, ever did, baby

Okay, now we can’t even let him around matches.  Good grief, this reads more like one of those Weird Al videos where he starts out normal broken-hearted and then starts diving into pools of razor blades and burning down malt shops.  Like this video of Al’s, that looks plain old normal compared to Bruno’s.  Note the absence of pianos.

Now I know partly why this song is so popular.  It has a good beat and the artist is pretty good looking.  But I’d still stay the heck away until he sees a counselor and finds some meds stat.  Luckily, there are some great parodies of this song, like this one from Key of Awesome.  My favorite part is when she makes him go to Target and watch Lifetime with her and he’s willing to pick up the cleaver again.

Just to make things a little easier for Bruno, and others like him, I’ve compiled a quickie list of what are normal romantic gestures and what are NOT normal romantic gestures.

1. Jump out of a plane with no parachute.   NOT NORMAL

2. Cut off a body part.  NOT NORMAL

3. Give her chocolates.  NORMAL (unless they are poisoned)

4. Play with napalm.  NOT NORMAL

5. Take her to a nice restaurant.  NORMAL

6. Run naked over a patch of hot coals in the middle of the park.  NOT NORMAL

7. Stalk her.  NOT NORMAL (I don’t care if Edward does it!)

8. Sit through an entire Cinderella movie with her.  NORMAL (It’s not that hard!)

9. Call her constantly with this song playing in the background.  NOT NORMAL

10. Write her a love poem.  NORMAL (unless it mentions any of the above NOT NORMAL things)

Try not to follow these idiots either.

Try not to follow these idiots either.

See, romance doesn’t have to be so hard!  I’m pretty sure most women would be willing to go out with you without you threatening constant physical harm to yourself.  Most women aren’t into that, and if they are, you really don’t want to go out with them.  Note to Bruno: The mental hospital is not a good place to pick up potential romantic partners.

Okay, so, saying anyone’s still here, what do you think of Bruno’s song?  Please respond because you know I’d do anything for you.  I’ve got the grenades here to PROVE IT!

Alice

Alicerella

I know I still have like a week of that gratitude stuff left (21 days is supposed to be how long it takes to form a habit, but I do several at once and skip weeks so I’m thinking it’s not going to have the proper effects) but I’d rather talk about Cinderella because I can.

Did you notice how awesome my dress was?  Wheeee!

Did you notice how awesome my dress was? Wheeee!

OMGORSH guys, I got to see a movie in the theater for the first time since the last Harry Potter movie came out and my husband had to see it on opening day for some reason so I needed to see this one on opening day because it wasn’t just Cinderella there was also a Frozen short before it that was going to be super cute and FROZEN so it was important to go on opening day.

The short was fun.  Elsa plans a party for Anna but she gets a cold and snorts out snow boogers all over the place.  No, really, that’s what happens.  When I first saw the picture for the short, I was afraid that the snowman had somehow reproduced and I was really, really scared, but snow boogers are not so bad.  I do have to wonder what would happen if Elsa had the stomach flu, or God forbid, Montezuma’s revenge.  Lots of dirty slush?  In other words, a typical day in New York?

WHOA, BOOGERS!

WHOA, BOOGERS!

But that was just a short (that produced more dolls in new outfits surprise shocker!).  The main attraction was the live-action version of Cinderella.  I wasn’t sure what to expect, having not been that impressed with Maleficent for reasons I’ll tell you in another review.  I will say that Angelina Jolie makes a good evil fairy, but that’s not necessarily a compliment.  I would have preferred her in greenish skin. More authentic plus entertaining.

Cinderella surpassed my expectations, which were pretty low, but I figured the guy was cute and ooh pretty dresses plus Helena Bonham Carter playing a quirky fairy godmother which is very different from when she played the quirky insane Bellatrix from Harry Potter, though they both had similar wands.  Part me wanted her to just go completely insane and start transforming the entire place.  Like if she could make a lizard into a footman (whatever that is) then why not make Cinderella into a lizard?  Why?  Because lizards can’t wear dresses, stupid, and the dress is where it’s at.

Helena still has them crazy eyes!

Helena still has them crazy eyes!

But there’s stuff before all of that.  Like for instance you see her mother before she goes six feet under.  Yeah, really!  And her father too.  They are really great actors and it makes you all teary even if they did seem to be just a touch too whimsical and perfect before they were axed.  But then comes the evil stepmother, and may I say, I like her evil.  Also the stepsisters and their constant ripping out of each others’ hair.  They treat Ella (who one of the sisters nicknames Cinderella in a random fit of brilliance) like crap and they all cackle like freaks.  You might think this is unrealistic if you haven’t been around real awful people; but I can assure you, they are spot on.

Cinderella is sentenced to live in the attic, but it’s far away from them, so she’s actually pretty happy about it.  I love when people try to be nasty and it just makes the victim happier.  Like when my Evil Dead Alien Soul Boss had me go shelf read books for hours and I would just sit there and daydream while the others did all the real work.  As you can see, I identified a bit with poor Cinderella.  I’ve had to put up with crap.  I mean, my parents had me do chores, and I had an older brother who hung me from basketball goals (okay at my request but still who listens to a six-year-old?) and every little girl at least once pretends to be Cinderella if only to make people feel sorry for her and give her nice shoes.

Okay, which one of you stole my slippers?

Okay, which one of you stole my slippers?

The shoes are one of the better jokes (both Cindy and the prince are like wtf glass?) but as it turns out, they are really quite comfortable.  Must be those Dr. Scholl’s insoles.  Cindy be gellin’.  I hate to give it away (SPOILERS ZOMG) but she does get to go to the ball in this freaking awesome carriage that I totally want for my very own.  I would be stylin’ in the parking lot at work.  She also has this incredible dress and he looks pretty hot too (and there’s a personality in that hotness!) and it’s fun to watch them dance around although my husband decided he needed to get up for what was apparently a 45 minute bathroom break spent playing with the claw machines.  I can’t BELIEVE he got bored with this movie and was dumb enough to act on it.  He did win a tablet, but trust me men, it’s not worth it because I am not forgetting about this ANY TIME SOON.

I looked a bit like the doll from the movie at this point.  Pissed.

I looked a bit like the doll from the movie at this point. Ticked. (I’m getting her anyway cause awesome clothes woot!)

Wait, I got off track a bit.   Let’s see, you might be wondering about the mice.  No, they don’t talk, thank goodness.  She does handle them an awful lot, which makes me think she’s a plague victim ready to happen, but it turns out okay. And oh yeah, the ball!  That was fun, and then there’s a great scene where Cinderella asks her stepmother “Why are you so cruel?”  And she answers “Because you’re so innocent, and good, and I’m . . .” Let’s fill in the blanks people!  Starts with b, rhymes with itch!  I kid, but this is the honest truth.  If someone bullies you, that’s usually why.  Because they are pathetic, wretched little people underneath all their glamour.

I'm going to chop you up and eat you because I LOVE YOU.

I’m going to chop you up and eat you because I LOVE YOU.

And that’s what strikes me most about this movie.  Unlike popular sentiment, this is not an anti-feminist movie.  She doesn’t need the prince to save her – his love is her reward for putting up with cruelty with hard work, dignity, and honor.  She does her chores but she does not stoop to their level.  And she doesn’t sit around the house because she is waiting for rescue.  It’s her bloody house, and she doesn’t want to lose it.  So she works hard, and she keeps the memories of her good times, something they can never take from her, inside.  Her mother, before her death, tells her to “Have courage.  And be kind.  There is magic in kindness.”  And so there is.

21 Days of Gratitude: I’m too sexy

We are now on week 3 of the Gratitude Challenge.  Let me say I am grateful to have just one more week of this fun, fun game.

Day 15:  Take time to focus on yourself.  Appreciate and give thanks for for your unique personality, skills and talents.

The blogger creed.

The blogger creed.

I’m pretty sure I’ve got focusing on myself down pretty well.  It’s called a blog, peeps.  I have been told I have a unique personality (nice way of saying good golly, Alice, you’re weird), and mad skillz (I wroted this here post all by myself!), and talents, so many talents.  Once the Things and I put a smurf through the scientific method – a plastic one, not a real one.  Anyway, we now know that smurfs can’t be destroyed by running them over by a car, freezing them in water, or boiling them in water.  If that’s not sciency talent, I don’t know what is.

Day 16: Stand in front of the mirror for five minutes and focus on at least five things that you love about yourself. Write them down in your journal.

If I sit here long enough I will become a frog princess.

Wait, is that another wart?

They’re kidding right?  Since I’m in front of a mirror, I guess I’m supposed to talk about physical stuff.  Okay, five things.

1. I was going to say I was too sexy for my cat, but I think the outdoor kitty Hazel has me beat.  She can slink around and twist into all sorts of shapes I can’t, just like real models.  I can say I’m too sexy for your party, cause no way am I disco dancing.

2. I do not have a hunchback like Quasi.  I can stand upright.  Most of the time.  Sometimes you have to lean me against a wall.

3. I have fair skin.  People have told me I am the whitest person they know.  Talk about a compliment!

4. The lines on my forehead and the faint mustache are probably not visible to people who aren’t looking at me from a few inches away.

5. I am grateful that my head faces forward instead of backward.  I’m not keen on looking at my behind all day.

Poor demented Anna.

Poor Demented Anna.

Day 17: Write about something you feel grateful for in your life today

I am grateful that someone out there is probably reading this.  Thanks, spambot and sexy cat!

Okay only 4 more to go!  Woot.

Alice

Its Be National Grammar Day!!!

Oooh, oooh, I can't decide!!!

Oooh, oooh, I can’t decide!!!

I was so filled with happy when I got to Facebook; this morning and discovered it was National Grammar Day.  A day two celebrate a dying art!  I know I tried and use the proper grammaticals each day cause I majors in it when I were in that they’re college and it promotes the dental hygiene did you know some peeps dont understand grammers?  And that them peeps, be all over that Internetz?  Like OMG its true!  One has to asks, “Is our children learning?  Well, is they???”

Putting eyeballs on your letters makes you look more professional.  Also little hearts in every i.

Putting eyeballs on your letters makes you look more professional. Also little hearts in every i.

So just four you’re information Im gonna give grammer rules so you not be looking like no fool.  Here goes!

1. Don’t worry about (your / you’re), (their / they’re / there),  or (its / it’s).  There interchangeable!  I know I see it all the time on the internetz.

2. If unsure, just throw in, a comma, or two, or even a semicolon; cause it makes you, look smart?

3. When in a hurry just forget about using punctuation at all cause it only slows you down and their are things to do and places to go and people to kill and we aint got time fo dat you know what I mean right

4. It is always “Sam and I” no matter where those words go in the sentence.  Always.  For instance, Barack Obama gave Ebola to Sam and I.

The correct way to say it is "Barack Obama gave Ebola to the entire universe."

The correct way to say it is “Barack Obama gave Ebola to the entire universe and I.”

5. Bloggy is not a word and never will be ever ever ever ever.  So stop.

6. Ignore that squiggly lines that appear under you’re words when you types.  Their just for decoration!!!

7. Grammar Nazis first appeared in World War II and tortured Jews by inventing lots of random rules four how to write and say stuff but they were German so we dont have to use thems.

8. If you screw up a word enough times it will appear in the dictionary the way you screwed it up!  So just keep on keepin’ on.

Forget grammar texts, just try 50 Shades of Grey!

Forget grammar texts, just try 50 Shades of Grey!

9. English is a mystical language that not even English teachers understand they just pretend they do so they look smart dont listen!!!

10. If you’re grammars still not gooder after reiding this, you can always get a career as a spammer.  Example:

Hey just wanted to give you a quick heads up. The text in your post seem to be running offf tthe screen in Safari.
I’m nott sure iff this is a format issue or something to do with web browser compatibility but I thought I’d post tto let you know.
The style and design look gret though! Hope you get the problem fixed soon. Kudos

Your welcome!

Your welcome!

And one more speshul one for the road:

11.  Alice often uses grammar incorrectly.  She does this on purpose.  It is called stylistic writing and means she is hipster not dumb.  Someone tell her mom.

Any other grammar rules you’d like people to follow?  Or maybe forget?  Let me know in the comments below!

Cute Frozen Packages Tied Up in String

These are a few of my favorite things!  I just remembered that I’ve still got more of this Gratitude stuff to do.  Like six days worth.  I can do it!  Though I might not have if it hadn’t been for blind boxes.  No these are not boxes for the blind, although I suppose they too could open them up if they wanted – I mean they’d probably be able to feel through the bag and know what it is.  But that’s the point.  You buy this thing, and have no idea what’s inside.  It could be any of – in the case of the ones we selected – one of 17 different little figurines.  They have all kinds of these surprise boxes and bags and yes it is so much like Christmas it’s actually entertaining (if you’re strange) to watch other people unwrap them on youtube.  When I first heard about these videos, I thought they were stupid.  But now I figure they are at least as important on the Important Things Meter as, say, cute kitten videos.

Who wouldn't want a bunch of random decaying zombie figures???

Who wouldn’t want a bunch of random decaying zombie figures???

So with a choice of everything from My Little Pony to The Walking Dead to Game of Thrones (right in the kiddie section of Hastings!) I chose something shocking.  Yeah I got Frozen blind boxes.  I used to be a little embarrassed about liking this Disney movie so much, especially since so many people (most of them parents of toddlers and small children) hate this movie and the merchandise with a horrible, seething passion.  I get it, I mean I had to watch Thomas the Freaking Tank Engine movie about 5,000 times, and that’s way worse than Frozen.  The train didn’t even sing “Let it go!  Let it go!” (Come on everybody, join in!  Wait, is that a sharpened icicle you’re throwing at me?)

Anyway, I’ve been having a rough time of it as you’ve gathered from some of my posts.  Sad Pony and Squirrel playing ping-pong with my brain has gotten really, really old.  So I thought I’d pick up a random box because I LOVE surprises and they were out at Barnes and Noble but they said they’d save me a few on the next shipment.  My husband went to pick them up – and came back with an entire case – 12 in all.  They cost uh so many er bucks a piece which equals – slightly more than I intended to spend.

Ta-da! Give thanks for mass consumerism!

Ta-da! Give thanks for mass consumerism!

But my husband doesn’t ask questions, he just does, so here I was with a box of these overpriced plastic things and felt kinda guilty until my big Things saw the big box and got all excited.  I told them firmly “We are just going to open up one blind box a day.”

Frozen: The Aftermath

Frozen: The Aftermath

Yeahhhhh . . . we have the self control of your average two-year-old.  We started with one a piece.  Then two a piece.  Then heck with it, mass hysteria!  It was so awesome, like Christmas morning.  I figured with my luck we would get 12 of the exact same figure and it’d be one of those freaking trolls.  But lo, we got 12 DIFFERENT ones, out of 17.  Pretty good!  Now there were like 2 grown Elsas, and 3 of the stupid snowman, but each one was in a different pose and stuff so yeah, all different!

Aren't they cute?  I even let the girls have some of them.

Aren’t they cute? I even let the girls have some of them.

We’re missing one already – lost in our Game of Frozen Thrones melee which involved one of them riding a blind bag My Little Pony wildly through the bed sheets.  There’s also one strange one we call Demented Anna cause her head is turned all the way around like in the Exorcist, which I’m not sure if Disney intended or not, but it’s hella weird.

Demented Anna

Demented Anna – she’s one in a million!

I think I like her MOST OF ALL.  Anyhoo, I was gonna obey these stupid gratitude suggestions.  They happen to fit in perfectly!

Day 9: Enjoy the people around you.  Take a moment to appreciate their unique talents, abilities and personalities

I enjoy my Things.  They have the great talent and ability of opening boxes with me and the personality to laugh hysterically with their mom.

Day 10: Pick one of your five senses to focus on each day

I picked everything but vision, until the wrapper was off.  Wheeee!

Day 11: Try to see the world through the eyes of a child.

Done!  I did it through the eyes of two children!

Day 12: Today, make the effort to live life with a positive outlook.

I’m positive we all had a good time, for at least 10 minutes!

Day 13: Pick three friends or family members you see regularly. View their actions and gestures through a positive lens . . .

Reee-petitive!  I am very positive my kids are as bizarre as I am!

Day 14: Write about how the Gratitude Challenge has changed your perspective thus far.

It gave me blog posts to write so I could tell everyone how annoying it is.  Thanks Gratitude Challenge!

And that’s the end of a rather long post (but there were PICTURES).  My last bit o’ gratitude is for the peeps who made it all the way through this post.

Alice

 

On Depression and Gratitude

I’ve been doing this 21 days of Gratitude thing as a hoot, but I just considered that I got this as a part of therapy.  In other words, if you are depressed, being grateful for what you have is supposed to make you feel better.  But does it?  If you’ve never had clinical mental illness, you probably think it should make everything better.  You probably apply logic to situations.  But that’s just the thing.  Depressed people can SEE logic, they just can’t act on it very well.  Here’s one example.  A dirty house makes you feel bad, yes?  Cleaning it would make you feel better.  Therefore (x + cow = red) you should get up and clean your house.

Get up, Mr. Sad Face!  Just whistle while you work!

Get up, Mr. Sad Face! Just whistle while you work!

snow white sad face bang

As you can see, Mr. Sad Face wasn’t too impressed with Snow White’s chipper attitude toward cleanliness, though blowing her up with a magic wand did bring a smile to his face.  That’s always nice.  More on that in a bit.

Gratitude journals are supposed to work the same way.  But here’s the thing. There are different stages of Depression.  It’s never “cured” but you can have times of mostly remission, as long as you take your meds and / or go to therapy or whatever it is you do to cope.  But if you are in the really down stage, someone telling you to be grateful is only going to make it worse.  For example:

Man I'm bummed I don't have Barbie's life with money and house and stuffs.

Man I’m bummed I don’t have Barbie’s life with money and house and stuffs.

What's this?  A rainbow of good things in my life?  Who knew?

What’s this? A rainbow of good things in my life? Who knew?

Yay I have no home or car or foods but there are bunnies and flowers and sun!  I am happy!

Yay I have no home or car or foods but there are bunnies and flowers and sun! I am happy!

It goes a little differently with the depressed brain.

I don't live like Barbie.  Life bites.

I don’t live like Barbie. Life bites.

What the heck is this?  There better be some skittles coming next.

What the heck is this? There better be some skittles coming next.

My life bites cause it's not like Barbies.  Also cause I don't appreciate flowers and stuffs.  And cause of gratitude journals.

My life bites cause it’s not like Barbie’s. Also cause I don’t appreciate flowers and stuffs. Or gratitude journals.  I suck.

So you see the difference?  It’s not that the depressed person is trying to be obstinate, that’s just how our brains work.  We already KNOW we have good things in our lives, and sometimes that us feel even more down.  Just because you have depression doesn’t mean you don’t have gratitude.  It means you have a chemical imbalance, and possibly some other sucky events have happened in your life.  Your brain sees through a different lens when suffering depression.  Like the drug commercial we know so well – this is your brain on depression.  This is your brain without it.  There’s a difference – it’s even visible on brain scans, so it’s not made up stuff to let depressed people lie on their duffs and take no responsibility.  No matter how much it seems that way – even to the one who is depressed.

Now gratitude is a good thing, and when you’re out of your darkest days, it’s fine.  But please don’t push people to be grateful when that is just one of the many things they wish they can do but can’t.  It causes guilt, not happiness.  Coming out of depression takes time, and hard work, and the right kind of therapy and meds.  It’s not a quick fix.  But there is one thing that is – even if the fix only lasts a few minutes.  Humor.  Humor helps.  I’ve been in the hospital, and I’ve seen it work with other “mentals”.  It is possible to laugh in the midst of suffering.  And that’s part of why I blog.  I love humor, and I hope my somewhat bizarre form of it helps people, whether they are sick or not.  Remember that rainbows don’t appear during the worst of the thunderstorm.  They come after.  But during you can always use an umbrella.  Until that blows away and you just hide under a taller person.  Or – I lost track of my metaphors.  Anyway, this is Alice signing out, hoping your brain has a good day.

Alice

P.S. I hope you found humor in how Snow White has kind of a Joker grin (not really intended).  Why so serious?

 

21 Days of Gratitude: Are we done yet?

Nope, I’m on day . . . 6.  That just leaves – carry the two – there’s several days left.  So I skipped a bit again and I’m gonna have to throw a few on here, which is better than bothering you with several short pointless posts, right?  Sure.

Day 6: Take a few minutes to call someone you haven’t talked to in a while. Tell them how much you appreciate them.

Elmo says "Leave a message at the beep, butthead.  Hee hee hee."

Elmo says “Leave a message at the beep, butthead. Hee hee hee.”

Wait, what?  Call someone? They mean, like, text, right?  Cause calling is such a pain.  Also, who is there to call?  No one ever picks up cause, well, since no one calls anymore  it must be one of them there telemarketer types.  Or bill collectors.  Avoid, avoid.

But I signed the fake pledge so – I guess I could call my husband.  Haven’t talked to that guy in a while.  Wonder what he’s up to – besides the insides of a car.  Must find out.

Voicemail.  That figures.  I told his voicemail about my appreciation for him, and also my appreciation for voicemail.  I should get a “k” text any minute now.

Day 7: Take a picture of one thing, person, place or specific moment that makes you feel grateful. Share it with your social network.

My daughter lost my camera bag with the battery charger for a while, so no chance to take a picture.  Yes I have an actual camera that isn’t my phone.  Anyway, I just read this post today complete with picture.  I am grateful that I do not live in this specific moment.  The 1950s, otherwise known as the age of Lysol.

One word: ouchie

One word: ouchie

The ad is kind of small, so best to view it on That Retro Blog, a blog created by my pal Merbear, which occasionally also stars my own sarcastic commentary.  For more info on this fabulous lysol douche – yes I said douche and lysol in the same sentence – see here.

Day 8: Send thank you notes to five people who deserve a little recognition.

Thank you notes?  Phone calls?  Was this gratitude journal written in the 1950s?  Do they expect me to be a wizard?  Cause my hand cramps.  And I have no idea where any official thank you notes are located.  And I’m lazy.  Gratefulness is HARRRD.

Native Americans You're welcome - Christopher Columbus

Native Americans
   You’re welcome.                                           Christopher Columbus

Fine, okay, I will list some people, but no one be upset if I don’t mention you cause it’s not that I don’t like you (probably), it’s that I have the memory of a gerbil.

1. Merbear: My Wonder Twin who listens to me whine for free, even with her own issues.

2. Noxema Mom: We’ve been friends for almost a decade, but it feels like we were switched at birth at times.  She has no blog, but she knows who she is.

3. Ravinj: We’ve known each other since we were eleven and twelve.  There are no secrets.  She knows about every stupid thing I’ve ever done.  Best to keep these people close.

4. Mental Mama: Also listens to me whine and has been where I’ve been (crazyville).

5. Every one else who is special and I can’t remember cause gerbil brain: Thanks.  You guys are the greatest.  Kiss kiss, Alice.

I just remembered I didn’t add in my Things.  Or that husband person.  Whoops.  They get it.

Okay, so done with the gratitude for now.  I would like to thank the Academy that I missed the Oscars last night, though I hear there were some decent dresses worn.

Requests for Alice!!!

P.S. I’m wondering if there was anything you’d like to see me write about.  For instance, I was just watching TLC the other day, and there was Sexy Times in the ER where a guy used hot sauce where he really shouldn’t and all sorts of shenanigans took place ending up at the hospital!  And TLC just keeps crankin’ out the weirdo shows like “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” in spite of the hot sauce incident and “Strange Addictions”.  Latest one was a guy addicted to eating ONLY French Fries (way too edible there), and another dude who liked dressing up as a rubbery, cross-dressing doll.  Also, there are several children’s shows I haven’t tackled to the ground yet, like Maisy Mouse, and Cailou, and who knows what other demon filled creations are out there to entertain our kids.  There is also a certain population that never comments but really, really likes my posts about torturing virtual people.  So anyhoo, let me know in the comments below if there’s something you’d like to see.  Grats to all.

Alice (cause I’m so bold)

 

 

21 Days of Gratitude: 3 in 1 Blow

Get it?  Thanksgiving, gratitude?  Also Squanto was hot.

Get it? Thanksgiving = gratitude? Also Squanto was hot.

So I’ve fallen behind in my gratitude stuff, blah blah, bite me.  I’m determined to get through every one of these (aren’t you happy?)  Let’s see, what was Day 3?

Day 3: Write about something you feel grateful for in your life today.

I just know what some people would write here.  God.  I’m grateful to God cause like I exist and He hasn’t started another flood in spite of the Tea Party, etc etc.  You know what I think?  Total cop out there.  Don’t get me wrong – I have nothing against God at all.  I just have something against people who feel they constantly, and I mean CONSTANTLY, have to tell everyone how much they love Him.  It’s sort of like the guy who is always going on and on about how wonderful and perfect and speshul his wife is.  If he’s been married to her over 24 hours, I’m looking for the girl in the closet.

Note: You show love for people (and the god you worship) in how you LIVE not just in what you SAY.  That being said, I’m so so grateful for my readers!  You guys are awesome!  Even the spambots!

(cough) Cop out.

(cough) Cop out.

Okay, fine, that’s a no-brainer too.  Obviously I’m grateful for my readers.  Just like I’m grateful for my Things – especially when they are hilarious and clever and, at times, out of my hair.  So I need to use my noggin to come up with something different.  And I did.  Not only that, it takes out two days of gratitude with one stone!

Day 4: Write a short message of thanks for some of the “negative” things in your life.

I didn’t put the quotes around negative.  What do they mean by “negative”?  Are we talking “dog doo on the shoe” vs “terrorist attack” or what?  Nevermind.  I found something that answers what I’m grateful for even though it’s a definite negative (no quotes needed).

I am grateful for E.L. James.

WhyAlicewhywhywhywhysomeonegetadoctorsheslostitforgoooood!

WhyAlicewhywhywhywhy someonegetadoctorsheslostitforgoooood!

No, I’m serious.  I am thankful, in the negative, for her because if she hadn’t written such crappy books, I would not have been compelled to make 1,000 posts mercilessly mocking them (and her) and so would not have been noticed by someone else mocking her (Speaker 7 – rest her soul) and would not have gotten my hilarious, inspiring readers.  Which I really am grateful for, along with God (please don’t strike me down).

Okay, so 3 and 4 are done and now we’re on day 5.  Hurrah.

Day 5: Take five minutes to write about how grateful you are for all of the wonderful things that you currently have in your life.  Don’t long for what you can’t possess-instead, take stock of all the blessings you already enjoy.

I'm watching you, Alice.

I’m watching you, Alice.

Five minutes?  Am I supposed to time myself, cause I type pretty fast.  Also, has anyone else noticed that this is getting a bit repetitive?  How many times do I need to be grateful for the same things?  And another thing – notice that grateful is not spelled like “great” but like “grate” which is something that like covers vents and stuff?  I always have to hit spell check on that one to make sure I’m right.  Maybe not after this exercise.

I also considered that this would be a good way to show off to other people, especially if you post these suckers on Facebook or something.  For example:

I’m grateful for my 1,000 inch flat screen TV, my XBOX 7500, my 5 million buckaroos in the bank, my handsome and virile husband, my perfect straight A, gorgeous, athletic children, the LORD, my house in Malibu, Ronald Reagan, brown paper packages tied up in string, kittens, and the less fortunate people (ie the rest of you) because you make me feel superior.  Amen.

I could do that, but I won’t.  I, Alice, am thankful for all the wonderful things in my life (how long have I been writing now?) like fuzzy socks, electric blankets, and those family and friends I live with and chat with (like my Wonder Twin!) and all that stuff.  And also my FABULOUS READERS who will most definitely leave me lots of comments now.

Alice.

 

21 Days of Gratitude and Stuff: the ABCs

I have been involved in some GROUP therapy work which is supposed to make me less Sad Pony and Squirrel and more like my usual sarcastic self.

What?

Pfft, whatever.

YayyyythiswillbefunIamgratefulfornutsandsadponyandnuts!

Yayyyy this will be fun I am grateful for nuts and sad pony and Alice and nuts!  I just pooped on the keyboard!

Day 1 was just signing a pledge that I would do it.  Here is my pledge.

I, Alice, pledge to do this gratitude thing because why the heck not.

Today is Day 2.  I was instructed to make an alphabetical list of things I am grateful for, so I sought help from my Things and whatever came up off the top of my head.

We want to eat your souuuul!

We want to eat your souuuul!

A: Asphalt – we drive on it and it beats dirt

B: Birth control – I only have two kids! Yay!

C: Calculator – because I am bad at Math

D: Dragon Tales – the show that got me lots of hits from angry crazed fans.

What is WRONG with some people?

The show still sucks.

E: Elevator – cause I’m too lazy for stairs

F: That word I cannot say

G: Garage - where my husband goes

H: Hatahs – cause they gonna hate hate hate but I’ll shake ‘em off, shake ‘em off

I: Internetz!!!!

J: Jesus – cause I’m afraid not to list Him

Muffin?

Muffin?

K: Kmart – low low prices!

L: Lunatic – which I am not hurray!

M: Money – I likes it

N: Nice people – cause I can take advantage of them, I mean, cause they’re nice!

O: Organs – Cause livers and spleens are good things to have.

P: Pee!: Always a relief

Q: Quasimodo – Reminds me I do NOT have a hump!

Hugs!!!

Hugs!!!

R: Radio – even if it was killed by video

S: Spammers – Who are like half my readers!  Much to the thanks, guys!

T: My Things (or children, whatever)

U: Ugly people – they make me feel pretty

V: Victory – I like beating people.

W: Words – they go in the sentences (please tell E.L. James)

X: Xanax!  Woooooot!

Y: Yeti – they are all white and fluffy and eat people

Z: Zantac – beats acid indigestion

 

What do you think?  Do you have an alphabetical grateful list?  Could you make one and put it in my comments section?  The weirder the better.  The best one I’ll list in a future post with a link back to their blog so spammers can find them!  Or you can NOT do it, see if I care.

Alice

 

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