Elsa vs Hans: The 2016 Arendelle Presidential Race

What, another election?  Don’t worry, this one will be blessedly short, which is great.  It also involves fictional people, which makes it even better.  Also it gives me something to do cause I’m bored.

As with all monumental decisions, it started with a Facebook post.


Hans wasted no time getting his press coverage in.  On Facebook.  Of course.


Rapunzel had a good idea there.  Popcorn makes almost everything better.  I’m stocked in it for early next month.  Next came the search for campaign managers and running mates.  Yes, in this election the primaries were skipped because most Disney royalty are not stupid enough to run in an election.  They stayed with Facebook for candidates, because I kept losing my camera.  I mean it’s more efficient.  Better than Twitter anyway.  #twitterisforlosers


After whacking her head against some ice a few times, Elsa tries again.


Oh, if only it were so easy, Elsa.  So many questions.  How DID Hans get out of prison this time?  Who is helping his campaign?  How many scandals will surface?  Will I find my camera or just have the whole thing done on Faceboook?  Shouldn’t we consider that for the next election?

Stay tuned.


I Can’t Take It Anymore: Timeline Part Two

Welcome back to the year of . . . Fun, Fun, Fun.  And Hell.  Let’s see if we can get through this timeline of politics and a few other things.  I might have missed a war or two.  I’m stopping before November because I’m not sure if we will actually survive it, and why waste a post?  Here we go!

Don't you just love presidential debates?

Don’t you just love presidential debates?

March 2016

North Caroline debates about the big issues – like who goes to what potty.

Ben Carson wakes up slightly and realizes he’s still in the Republican presidential race.  He drops out – onto the floor probably.

We also lose Marco Rubio, so I will sadly no longer get to use the “Marco Polo” joke anymore.

“Let me put it plainly, if we Republicans choose Donald Trump as our nominee, the prospects for a safe and prosperous future are greatly diminished” –  Quote by Mitt “Mittens” Romney.  Mitt Romney is making sense now.  Be afraid.

April 2016

Sanders and Hillary go head to head in debate.  People hit the deck in case of blood spurts.

Trump continues to act like an rabid chimp throwing poo.  Naturally he starts winning major states.

Cruz names Carly “standing witchface” Fiorina as his VP.  She takes a dive off the stage.  Great times.

May 2016

Six days after picking a VP, Cruz drops out of the race.  A day later, Kasich (you know, that guy) drops out too.

This leaves only Trump in the race. Other countries are looking at us like “I am so not hanging out with you anymore, U.S.”

Breaking Report: Cute kittens continue to be born, filmed on youtube.

June 2016

U.N. has Brexit, which is not the meal between breakfast and lunch, but a withdrawal from the European Union.  It doesn’t go so well.

Paul “The Weasel” Ryan says he’ll vote for Trump.

Five days later Paul “The Weasel” Ryan calls Trump a racist.  Like you just now noticed, Weasel Boy?

Hillary has enough votes to win the primary making her the first woman presidential candidate.  Sanders does not see her winning as a reason to leave.  Not when he can still annoy her.

Want to see pics of my teens when they were cute babies?

July 2016

Japan manufactures the last videocassette recorder.  Now what do we do with these VHS tapes?  Thanks!

The F.B.I. gets really tired of reading through Hillary’s emails, most of which probably involved online receipts for anti-aging cream, photos of her grandchild, and complaints of  “how do you work this thing again?”.  Lucky for us, the Republicans will continue to talk about her treason for years to come.  Please, Hillary, get Chelsea to teach you texting!

Sanders gives in and endorses Hillary.  His lunatic fringe supporters go nuts cause how dare he act respectful?  Isn’t that “out” this election?

Cruz is booed for not endorsing Trump, ironically the only intelligent decision he’s ever made.

Wikileaks (Doncha just love these guys?  Doncha?) leaks what everyone pretty much already knew.  The Democratic Chair was a lying liar who lied and manipulated stuff.  I’m sure this has never before happened with the chairs of either party.

Sloths seal their place as my spirit animal.

August 2016

2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.  A U.S. Olympian gets drunk, vandalizes stuff, then claims he was robbed, thus keeping up good international relations.

Trump takes on a new campaign manager, which surprises everyone cause who knew he had one?

Clinton aide separates from her husband, the infamous Anthony Weiner.  At least Hillary’s cheating husband was not named Weiner.

We still have the Wiener dog races.  Check ’em out.

September 2016

The U.S. and China, responsible for 40 percent of the world’s carbon emissions, ratify global climate agreement.  And say “Our bad.”

Hillary called out for calling Trump supporters “deplorables.”  They get on her when she lies AND tells the truth!

Hillary and Trump react to the New York City bombing.  Trump says “Hillary did it.”

First smack down debate between Hillary and Trump.  Trump acts grouchy, sniffs, and says “wrong” a lot.  Hillary is giddy with excitement.  She’s been preparing for this for DECADES.

Did I mention kittens?

October 2016

VP candidates have debate.  Supposedly Pence did well because he did not try to punch Kaine in his smiling face.  Trump’s reaction?  Extreme jealousy of his running mate.  Right.

Tapes are released of Trump bragging about assaulting women.  For some reason, people are actually surprised, and Republicans begin leaving his side in droves to protect themselves.

Wikileaks dumps info on Hillary Clinton’s speeches to Goldman Sachs.  Apparently, she was paid, and she said stuff that she’s said before anyway.

Trump and Hillary have their second debate, town hall style.  Trump takes this to mean he should impersonate various animals including weasel, bear, shark, and toddler.  Neither candidate really answers a question, thus keeping to the status quo.

Third and Final (or people will start rushing the stage) debate.  Donald starts out almost normal, then goes boom.  He decides he doesn’t have to concede the election because who needs democracy?

Trump adds to his statement saying he won’t accept the results “Unless he wins.”  Pence backs this up, saying they don’t have to if they don’t wanna.

I decide to pick my own reality too and build a blanket fort in my living room.  I invite anyone else in who needs to escape the planet a while.  I am playing Disney films and eating Oreos.

Just 17 days to go till D day!  But, really, what could happen in a a 2 and a half weeks?

Don’t answer that.


Disney Villains watch the Final Presidential Debate

I figured, when watching this last debate, who better to help out than those who know politics best: Disney villains.  The Things helped gather all those we could find for a focus group.  Maleficent got caught in traffic, or so she said.  And Cinderella’s evil stepmother was busy working on the third party (the evil party) campaigns of her stepdaughters.  But most of them showed up, partly because I promised them pardons from their respective kingdoms.

They're all ready to take notes.  We'll see how long it takes them to figure out this isn't Dance Moms.

They’re all ready to take notes. We’ll see how long it takes them to figure out this isn’t Dance Moms.

First question: What’s your opinion on the second amendment that guarantees your right to free arms?  Should there be gun restrictions, yadda.

Gaston: YES!  GUNS! Jafar: What about magic? Hans: Sword will do in a pinch.

Gaston: YES! GUNS!
Jafar: What about magic?
Hans: Sword will do in a pinch.

Second question: What do you think of abortions, specifically late term abortions?

Mother Gothel: I love children!  Especially ones with magical hair. Ursula: I prefer after birth abortions.  Once you have their voice.

Mother Gothel: I love children! Especially ones with magical hair I can kidnap.
Ursula: I prefer after birth abortions. But really, who needs a voice?

Third question: What is your stance on immigration?  Should we build a wall or help them become citizens?

Jafar: Keep out the street rats Gaston: I say we shoot them. Hans: I wouldn't mind them building me a castle first.

Jafar: Keep out the street rats
Gaston: I say we shoot them.
Hans: I wouldn’t mind them building me a castle first.

Fourth Question: Wikileaks has been leaking secret information, possibly from Russia.  What do you think of that?

Ursula: It IS nice to have things to hold against people, bwahahaha. Mother Gothel: Wikileaks sounds like a plumbing problem.

Ursula: It IS nice to have blackmail against people, bwahahaha.
Mother Gothel: Wikileaks sounds like a plumbing problem.

Fifth question: How do you plan to help the economy?

All: Tax cuts for villains.  The evil will trickle down.

Hans: Tax cuts for villains. The evil will trickle down.  Others: Works for us.

Sixth Question: Do you believe you are fit to be president?  Is it okay to grope women?

Gaston: Groping women is great! Evil Hag: Only if we get to grope back

Gaston: Groping women is great!
Evil Hag: Only if we get to grope back.

Sixth question: Let’s talk about ISIS, Syria, and Iraq.  How are you going to fix it all?

Who cares?  I want to know about my social security!

What are those? I want to know about my social security!

Seventh Question: How are we going to fund Social Security, Medicare, and control the National Debt?

Evil Hag: My economy was based purely on beauty products.  We were fine. Now give me my check.

Evil Hag: My economy was based purely on beauty products. We were fine. Now give me my check.

Will you accept the results of the election?

Gaston: No. Jafar: No. Hans: I'm going to say yes, because it sounds good. Then I'll kill my opponent.

Gaston: No.
Jafar: No.
Hans: I’m going to say yes, because it sounds good. Then I’ll kill my opponent.

Any closing statements?

Hans: I think we all know I'd be best at this thing.  I'm a sociopath, but I'm subtle about it. Queen of Hearts: Off with their heads!

Hans: I think we all know I’d be best at this thing. I’m a sociopath, but I’m subtle about it.
Queen of Hearts: Off with their heads!

So I guess they got as much out of the debate as the rest of us.  The most important question was one that was so easy for Mr. Trump.  Will you agree to transfer power?  He sorta answered that one wrong.  As Hans knows, you have to be subtle to truly make it in politics.  Tsk Tsk.

Did any of you see the debate?  What did you think of it?


I can’t take it anymore: a timeline of the past year!

“Rock n Roller Cola Wars,

I can’t take it anymore!”

– Billy Joel

My only crime is pure awesomeness.

When did America turn into Game of Thrones?

“We Didn’t Start the Fire”. It’s a song by Billy Joel that goes through a history book picking out all the awesome (Television!) and not so awesome (Vietnam!) things that had gone on in his life up until around the 1980s.  I believe he ended with “Rock n roller cola wars, I can’t take it anymore.”  Well, Billy, you really didn’t guess what was coming up next.

I did a “We Didn’t Start the Fire” type post a few years ago.  But I still stopped up way too early.  So I figured, why not take the last year or so and see what happens?  Hint: Very bad things. And a few, I guess, are good.  Please note: I faithfully did a Google search from July 2015 to October of 2016 and it seems most timelines tend to stop before 2015.  There is a reason for this.  No matter, trust in Alice and Wikipedia and such.  I have split this post because it got so long.  Like the past year.  So, so, so long.


July 2015

Oregon makes marijuana legal.  Just in time.

Scott Walker, jerk Wisconsin governor with a personal vendetta against those fat cat teachers, announces his run for President.  wee.

The U.S. and Iran talk nukes.  Or something.  Whatever.

President Obama questions the use of solitary confinement in U.S. prisons.  For prisoners anyway.  Politicians on the other hand . . .

A gunman opens fire.  At two military institutions, a crowded theater, and more.  I’m sure we will nip this thing in the bud soon.

John Kasich becomes the 16th person to seek nomination of the Republican party.  Yup.  SIXTEENTH.


August 2015

Street corner sized sinkhole forms in Brooklyn, New York.  I see foreshadowing for this year.

First debate before the 2016 Republican Primaries is held.  Conservative white dudes as far as the eye can see.  Also Ben and Carly.  Also Donald Trump (more like circus peanut than dude), but who would take HIM seriously?

Jon Stewart, in an effort to preserve sanity (he had no idea), retires from the Daily Show

Subway starts to really regret hiring that Jared guy.

More people shot.  To change things up, someone goes after people in a movie theater this month with an ax.  Netflix looking much better.

McDonald’s and Tyson foods horrified that a Tennessee based farm “stomps on chickens”.  No stomping before deep frying – it’s a rule.


September 2015

Just keep in mind that people are shot every month.

Clerk Kim Davis refuses to sign marriage licenses for same-sex couples.  It’s sort of her job to sign her name on stuff, so she gets in trouble.  Republicans make her a hero.

Stephen Colbert succeeds David Letterman as Late Night host.  Humor is all that will get us through.

Police in Irving, Texas agree to drop charges on that kid who carried an alarm clock to school.  Guns = good.  Alarm clocks = bad.

Rick Perry, hated even by Republicans in TEXAS, drops out of the race.  So does Scott Walker.  Awwws.

Pope Francis visits the U.S. and does a lot of important things but no one remembers anything except for Kim Davis crashing his party.


October 2015

Unemployment rate drops to 5 percent, the same as when the recession hit in 2007.  But Obama is still a Muslim commie.

Jim Webb drops out of the Democratic race.  Who was he again?

Hillary Clinton answers 8 hours worth of questions on that Benzhai thing.  Next up, Republicans plan to force her to watch 8 hours of Fox News – she’ll really give up her secrets then.

That other guy no one knew drops out of the Democratic presidential race.  No one notices.

World Health Organization finds that sausage and ham and everything you love causes Cancer.


November 2015

Newspapers report that like, oil companies knew fossil fuels were bad for the environment.

At the Republican debate, 7 candidates try to team up on Trump, hurling mud, insults, and threatening to tell Mom.  Well that last one was just Jeb.

At the Democratic debate, Hillary and Sanders argue about health care and other blah stuff, while O’Malley waves his hand wildly, hoping to speak.

More gunmen, but one baseball team beats another one, so hooray!


December 2015

More people drop like flies from the presidential race.  Everyone’s waiting for Trump to shout “Just kidding!” and leave.

Terrorist attack in San Bernardino.  Donald Trump has the answer – ban all Muslims, just to make sure.  Yet he’s still in the race.

Two other guys drop out though.

Bill Cosby gets an arrest warrant.  No more pudding for him.

“This is not the type of campaign we run” – said by Bernie Sanders in a Democratic debate.  Sorry, Bern, seems this IS the kind of campaign we run.  Extra crispy crazy.


January 2016

Artists boycott the Oscars because there aren’t enough African Americans nominated.  A lot of America boycotts it because it’s so boring.

Zika virus appears.  Donald Trump calls for banning all mosquitoes from the United States.

Jeb releases entertaining political ads, such as the one where he calls Trump a jerk.  No really.

The International Atomic Energy Agency says Iran has dismantled their nukes.  United Nations gives them a pat on the back.  Many Americans say “Wait, there were nukes?”


February 2016

North Korea launches a long range rocket into space in a desperate bid for attention.

Poor Democratic nominee Martin O’Malley (can I talk?  can I talk NOW?) drops out.  Sanders and Hillary too busy hissing and scratching to notice.

Former Prez Jimmy Carter picks Trump over Cruz.  Cruz, dude, that’s just not good.

Quitting the Republican race: Jeb! (sadly the only partially sane candidate), Carly Fiorina (standing witchface), and Rand Paul (really a Libertarian unicorn).

Supreme Court Justice Scalia dies, and people mourn for roughly five seconds before pondering who gets his seat.


Stay tuned for Part Two – if you darrre.

Manifesto of a Trump Supporter

A couple of days ago, my husband brought me a “letter” that had been shoved in my mailbox with no stamp.  Since it’s a federal offense to mess with someone’s mailbox, either some unhinged person committed a crime to get this important info to me, or my mailman is Mr. McCreepy.  Pretty sure my mailman is not McCreepy, but someone creepy was there, at my house, and he brought me what can only be considered the manifesto of a seriously whacked out person – possibly on crack.

In case you were wondering, even after the title, this was a from a Trump supporter.  Now I’m not saying all Trump supporters are whacked out maniacs.  Some are quite reasonable when it comes to everyday life until you get to politics, at which point some spring in their heads goes ‘boing’ and all systems shut down.  I’m fairly sure, though, that this guy falls in the whacked out maniac category.  Anyway, without further ado, here it is.  Click to better view the Cray.

Yup, totally normal.

Yup, totally normal.

Apparently there’s a website (this is why it’s important to bring a buddy with you if you venture out into the Internet) out there called bamboo-delight.com.  I’m not sure what bamboo has to do with antisemitism and bizarre conspiracy theories, but there you go.  What’s odd about the original print out is that it says George Bush is the evil one working with the Jews to destroy the world.  Mr. McCray had to add in Hillary at the top in order to update things, since this is archival cray here.  And since the print out uses Bush, then clearly it’s not just a Republican / Democrat thing.  It’s a . . . all government is evil thing.  And the Jews.  Don’t forget them.

As bad as this print out is, it’s still not quite as bad as the person writing his (or her?) own notes on it.  You should notice multiple websites scribbled in ink which I am NOT going to click on because I can only imagine the cooties my computer will consume.  But we’ve got totally reputable sounding ones like “DarkMoon dot me”, “The forbidden truth dot com”, “Truth11 dot com”, “tortured in America dot org”, “stoppoliticalassassinations dot com” and you can’t forget the blog “Care and washing of the brain at blogspot dot com”.  I  have written out the dot coms because I really don’t want these people tracing back to my blog.  I already have to do a care and washing of my brain at this point.

And another thing – aren’t people who would type out something like this be the type who would advocate assassinating candidates?  They’ve always had sane reasons before, like the one who tried to kill Ronald Reagan because he wanted to impress Jodi Foster.  Makes total sense.

I did look up the word “ussa”  since the writer cautioned people that we were either the USA or the USSA.  The USSA seemed to either be a sports team or auto insurance.  But then I found the truth on Wikipedia.  See back in college Barack Obama was forming the American Socialist States of America.  Oh, okay.  The Wikipedia article knows this to be true, because “Michelle noticed that Obama had a mustache, much like ol’Hitler and Joseph Stalin, and left him for that guy who lost the 2004 elections”.  This comes from something known as the Uncyclopedia, which I like to think people don’t actually believe is real, because that makes me feel better.

He also seems concerned about gun ownership, because surely he needs to defend himself against Hillary, who is in league with THE JEWS and probably that commie Barack Obama.  He lists gun owners dot com and the America Defense Fund dot com site.  That this guy probably has weapons makes me feel all gushy inside, like my insides have been splattered.  We should probably all be wearing bullet proof vests at this point. Because you never know when one of these guys is going to walk up to your door.  Or a Jew.  Because . . . Jews.

That he has seized on the Jews as a scapegoat is a little odd, because – didn’t Hitler kind of do that?  And he’s supposedly not wanting a Hitler.  So you’d think he’d just stick with Muslims, minorities, immigrants, women, and well most of the population, like Trump does.  It’s been effective for the guy so far.  But no, Hillary is truly evil and she and her Jew army (just what?) are going to take over the U.S.A. and then won’t you be sorry.  So be sure and look up all the youtube links and find out the truth for yourself.  Or don’t, really, don’t do it.

You think he’s done, but there’s a back page.  No more print, just scribbles.



And don’t forget these sites!  “One humanity, one love” especially grips me.  Because this guy is clearly calling for tolerance here.  Unless, you know, you don’t vote for Trump.  Or you’re Jewish.

So what to make of all of this?  I think it demonstrates one very chilling truth.  Trump is not the scariest part of this election.  It is the people who have consistently supported him who scare me.  People who think it’s okay to be racist, sexist, and hateful.  Who want there to be “one humanity” that is them.  If you aren’t like them, then stay behind your wall.  Stay in your country that is bombed everyday.  Because at this point, I don’t know how much better it is over here.  I thought we had come so far.  I was wrong.  People like this guy still exist, and worse, there are so many others, enough to get Trump nominated for president of our country.  And it’s not just the rich white men.  It’s poor people, minorities, and women voting for him.  I don’t understand that at all.

How can you vote for someone who thinks that YOU, yes, YOU are not worthy of respect.  Who thinks it’s okay to send people away or discriminate against them because of their religion, or the color of their skin, or their lack of wealth, or their gender.  I’ve always been a Democrat, but while I disagree with Republicans on many issues, I’ve never actually been scared of one before, scared of what he will do with this country.  Hillary is not an angel.  But even Trump admitted that she doesn’t give up.  She keeps going, no matter how many insults are hurled at her.  And in this campaign, all decency and decorum has been thrown out the window.  You can hate Hillary.  But Trump – he is the leader to fear.  He speaks to the worst in all of us – to the fear, to the hate, to the anger that we all have because of injustices in this country, to the need to blame somebody.

You want someone to blame?  We must blame ourselves.  Because things have gotten truly bad here, enough that Trump has been able to seize on our weaknesses to bring himself to power.  But he is not the one to fix the problems in this country.  That’s up to us.  We have more power than we realize.  There are more of us than there are of people like him.  Yet almost 50 percent of the country refuses to vote.  Half of the country.  Do you think those votes could make a difference?  Maybe not individually, but together, oh yes it can.  I’m not telling you to vote for Hillary.  But please, vote for someone.  Vote for third party, write in someone, use your voice, use your right that people fought and died for, because that is our power.

It’s time we put it to use.


Alice and the Things take on the 2nd Presidential Debate


Or as much as we could stomach of it.  Which was about one hour.  Though as soon as Donald made one comment in an earlier video (minutes before it actually started) Thing Two said she was done.  But she soldiered on.  They are asked questions from an audience of uncommitted voters and moderators.  I remember Anderson, but forget the other moderator and don’t want to look it up.  I tried to break up the different questions, but it’s honestly hard to tell.  Here it goes:
Anderson Cooper – Hello and welcome.
Thing One : Anderson’s thinking “Kill me now.”
First audience question: Do you think this election has been good for kids since it could have had “mature rating”. Are you modeling appropriate behavior for today’s youth?
As Hillary rambles, Donald is making faces behind her. Especially frowns when Hillary says I want your vote, but I think we should bring the country together.
Trump: Yeah, everything she said. I started this campaign because I was tired of what was going on in the country. I can’t believe I’m saying this about myself, but I guess I am a politician.
Me: I can’t believe you’re a politician either
Thing One: I think he’s making up percentages. Neither one is answering the question. It’s just more about their campaigns.
Me: Yeah I had to look at the question again cause I totally forgot.
Thing One: He’s talking so softly. Maybe Trump IS sick from the air sniffing.
Anderson Cooper: And grabbing women’s . . .
Thing One: This is NOT age appropriate.
Trump: Well we have terrorists chopping off heads . . .
Me: Wait, what?  Are we talking about women now, or terrorists, or . . .
Thing Two: I don’t like this
Thing One: Go check on our cinnamon rolls
Anderson: So you never touched women without their consent?
Trump: I have always had respect for women
Me: That’s why I call them big and fat.
Trump: Gonna build borders
Thing One: What does that have to do with women?
Thing Two: Mom, look at Hillary’s face. She looks bored.
Hillary: I’ve disagreed with other candidates but never questioned their ability to be president. Donald Trump is not fit to be president. He’s nasty to women, POWs, Muslims, everyone else, etc. Oh snap
Thing One: Trump is starting to walk around now
Thing Two: I think Trump’s lip is falling off his face. Donald, you orange freak.
Hillary: We are great because we are good. (huh?) And we will get people to behave again.
Thing One: If we have to put everyone in time-out corner.
Trump: I want to answer on this. Blah blah blah Hillary words blah blah.
Moderator: Mr. Trump please stop talking
Trump: She gets to talk and I don’t? Whine.

Moderator: Here’s an online campaign question. Something about shameful actions – choose one. And you have two minutes.
Trump: Did I mention I have great respect for women?  Oh and Bill Clinton. And Hillary’s mean too.
Applause cause of what he just brought up, which was – I’m not even sure what the question is – did it change?  It’s not up on the board so we can’t tell.
Hillary: I am reminded of what my friend Michelle Obama (did I mention MICHELLE?) said – when they go low, you go higher. (higher cheers) Brings up the Muslim family whose son died in combat. He never apologized to this person, to this person, to this person . . . he owes our country an apology
Me: They both do.
Trump: You owe other people an apology – I saw vicious commercials of Michelle talking about you – talk about friend, nanner. And Bernie Sanders, you didn’t win fair and square.  I suddenly care about this.
Thing Two: Trump says: In third grade I got in trouble for being racist . . .
Me: He would never admit that..
Trump: I didn’t think I would say this but . . . (yeah right) when I’m president I am going to get a special prosecutor to look into your situation.
Thing One: Hillary is smiling so wide, ha ha!
Me: Now she’s actually laughing silently
Hillary: (thrilled – she may break out into another dance) It is good that someone with the temperament of Donald Trump is not in charge.
Trump: Cause you’d be in jail
Applause. No, really.
Anderson: Quit wasting time.

Other moderator: Yes let’s. Now Hillary about your emails.
Me: AGAIN? Yes let’s not waste time.
Hillary: Yeah I was kinda dumb but haven’t they kinda already grilled me on this enough? Also I had a lot of secrets cause I was Secretary of State (unlike youuu Donald) and so there was classified info.
Trump: She didn’t know the letter “c” on a document.
Thing One: She got a grade on her document?
Thing Two is laying down with headphones listening to music.
Thing One: Wait he’s going against Republicans now? That’s not helping.
Me: Thing Two, I smell Republicans. Wait, I mean cinnamon rolls.
Moderator: We need to move on.
Trump: Ramble, ramble.
Moderator: Please let her respond
Trump: Ramble ramble ramble.
Hillary: I know, Donald, you want to distract things since the Republicans are all dumping youuuu.
Trump: What about emails?

Another audience question finally: Obamacare hasn’t helped much. How will you bring costs down, etc?
Moderator: That’s for you, Hillary
Hillary: Oh he can take it.
Thing One: Yes go for it, mess yourself up
Moderator: No you, Hillary.
Thing Two begins making a representation of the debate with Yoda, a bear, an inflated palm tree, a cardboard Zelda shield, and tiny anime people. I don’t understand it, but it makes as much sense as anything else.
Trump starts rambling about how Obamacare BAD.
Anderson: Time up Trump! Oh, uh, Hillary didn’t your husband say Obamacare was stupid?
Hillary is very smooth picking up on this. I still don’t understand it, but hey she’s cool about it.
Hillary: It was meant to do all these things . . . So 20 million people do have health insurance which is something. If we rip it off we give it back to the insurance cause . . .
Anderson: Time is up. (probably takes a stiff drink)
Trump rambles on. Anderson attempts to direct the question. In any direction.
Trump: It’s gonna be so good.
Anderson: But specifics on what you’re doing?
Trump: It was a fraud. Competition. And stuff.

Audience question: Uh I’m a Muslim. What are you going to do about Islamaphobia?
Trump: That’s too bad, but hey you guys are all terrorists. And Obama and Hills won’t say the word. They won’t, they won’t.
Thing Two: Cinnamon rolls are burnt, just like the state of our country.
Hillary: Dangerous talk about your people, a gift to terrorists. We aren’t at war with Islam.
Moderator: What about the Muslim ban?
Trump: By the way that Muslim captain whose parents I made fun of? If I had been president, he’d still be alive
Me: Cause he’s like God?
Moderator: Could you please tell if the Muslim ban stands? You know, the question I asked.
Trump: Hillary and Obama want tons of Muslims. Trojan horse!
Moderator: Will you take these Syrian refugees in when they might be dangerous?
Hillary: There are children suffering, etc. We are not carrying the load of Europe. We have vetting.
Thing One: Pretty sure these guys just want to get away from war not be troublemakers.
Me: That makes too much sense, Thing One.
Hillary: You were for the war on Iraq, Trump, it’s on tape.  Like real tape.
Trump: No I wasn’t. You were for it.
Moderator: Okay . . .
Trump: Hey she got 25 more seconds earlier. There are really bad people coming in.
Thing One: And uh some are just normal families?
Thing Two is using a Gaston doll from Beauty and Beast to talk: How about I run for president! I would be perfect!

Moderator question: Wikileaks stuff. Hillary you said you had a private and a public position on it? Is that being two-faced?
Hillary: Uh, that quote was from me talking about a movie on Abraham Lincoln.
Thing Two with Gaston: I will make sure all women are treated bad and all books are banned!
Me: He’s like a good looking Trump.
Thing Two: The debate: Poopy face, Poopy head!
Thing One is making Elsa fly.
Trump: She’s blaming the lie on Abraham Lincoln. Honest Abe never lied.
Thing One: Really? You know this?
Trump: Russians. They aren’t really hacking. I know nothing about about Russians.
Me: Well true, except Putin.
Thing Two: I think I know who the liar is.
Trump goes on about how much taxes he has paid. Hillary stands there and smiles broadly.
Thing Two: Hillary “I smell something fishy. It’s Trump!”

Person in audience: What would you do to change the tax code?
Thing Two: the worst job in the world is moderator
Trump: blah blah negative ads blah Hillary complains but hasn’t helped stuff blah I’m lowering taxes for corporations
Me: Yes that would help.
Hillary is most fun to watch while Trump speaks. Blink. Blink.
Thing One: Do the rich still pay their fair share? Question mark. No, not gonna answer? Nope, figures.
Hillary is shaking her head.
Thing Two: Hillary looks like she has a Vanilla Ice song in her head, gettin’ down.
Hillary: I hate to keep saying everything he says is a lie (but I will). Kinda funny that he has avoided so many taxes and he’s telling about how he’ll fix it.  In my plan, nobody who makes less than 250,000 will be taxed.
Me: Well girls, we are very very VERY safe on her plan. Take off the 2, you got a little more than our combined salaries. Aren’t there commercial breaks???
Thing Two is talkingThing One: Thing Two, I’m trying to understand this debate even though it makes no sense.
Trump: Much of my tax stuff is depreciation -that made Hillary’s head jerk up. Now she’s grinning open mouthed as he goes on.
Trump: It’s all talk and no action.
Thing Two: Mee mee mee mee
Thing One: Bernie is getting tired of Trump using his quotes too much.
Thing Two: I miss Bernie. He’s better than them.
Trump: Why didn’t you do anything as senator?
Hillary: Cause I was under a Republican president.
Snap! Applause. Clearly this is a one line zinger debate.
Thing Two: Hillary should get it. 1. Political experience. 2. Not Trump 3. Nice earrings 4: Balances out what’s in her mind.
Thing One: She’s like an old Elsa!
Thing Two: Trump is thinking “all around me are familiar facesss”
We’ve all lost track of what’s going on.

Moderator: Mr. Trump we’re gonna move on. We’re gonna move on. Move on. Okay solve the humanitarian crisis in Syria. Two minutes.
Hillary is talking. The girls are starting to snap at one another, there is the an inflatable tree involved.
Me: How many minutes are we in?
Thing One: It’s 9:04 – it’s been an hour.
Thing Two: I want to go to bed now.

T.V. goes off.  Snap!

Hope you enjoyed out report from the front.  If anything else happened, we have no idea, nor do we care at this point. We’re not even sure what happened while we were watching.  There’s only so much sanity you can spare.  Be sure and let us know.



Rick Perry Dances with the Morons

Some uber important stuff happened last week, you guys!  No, not a cure to some dumb illness or anything, it was the premier of this season’s “Dancing with the Has-Been or Never Were Stars”!  We’ve had some bizarre people on the show before, like the 80-something-year-old astronaut, Buzz Aldrin, who had to be pushed around the floor like a shopping cart, and Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol.  Cause somehow even the children of famous people we hate get counted among the “stars” on this show.  As far as I can tell, her only “talent” came from getting pregnant in high school right when her mother was advocating abstinence for teenagers.  You have to give her points for that, I guess.

But what about this year?  Vanilla Ice is on, because, of course he is.  Also, we have an Olympian, and not just any Olympian, an Olympian who vandalizes property and lies about being robbed, really smoothing out international relations between the U.S. and Rio, just like Romney did by mentioning how much Britain sucked during the Olympics before that!  We’re on a roll, here.  Speaking of politicians who have no business on any floor, be it Senate or dance floor, we have our next, and my favorite, contestant: Rick Perry.

Our former governor and former presidential candidate. Real quote, guys.

Rick is so smarts.

You might remember ol’ Rick as one of the zillion Republican presidential candidates this year.  Or you might not, since he’s not that interesting and heck no one really remembers who was running this year except for Trump.  But we in Texas sure remember him cause he was, inexplicably, governor here for 14 years.  By his last term, though, even Texas hated the guy, so much so he was nearly beaten by a Democrat in a state that has gone red in all political elections for years.  Democrats don’t even bother running for a lot of posts.  Yet Rick sucked that bad.  So naturally he chose to run for president. And fail.  Twice.  What’s the logical next step?

A reality dancing show, naturally.  If Trump can go from reality show to politics, why can’t Rick go backwards?  He claims he is there to learn how to dance for his daughter’s wedding. You get a glimpse of his unfortunate daughter in the audience, attempting to hide behind the seats before she realizes the camera is on her and puts out a patented forced smile.  They really should have some sort of support group for the children of idiot politicians.  Yet just as he was while governor, Rick has no clue she’s uncomfortable.  He’s rarin’ to go!  No talent, no problem, is his motto.

Last week was his first dance of the year, and it was a goodie, folks.  Ya’ll, I mean, he was awesome.  First off, he forgot he was no longer governor in his introduction.  Then his dance partner proceeds to make fun of his Texas drawl, which I swear all of us do not have.  I don’t – and others, like Merry who have heard me speak, can vouch for it. But for some reason, others do, and sometimes they come from towns just miles away.  There’s no rhyme or reason to it.  Another department at work had a lady we used to call “Miss Twang”.  It was literally painful to be in her vicinity.

But I digress.  If you want to talk about pain, you gotta see this performance. Cause it’s not just about how Rick can’t dance, it’s how he chose the song “God Blessed Texas” (with Rick of course) and this massive set complete with Ferris wheel and no kiddin’ – corndog stand.  Here ya go.

So proud to be a Texan right now, ya’ll.  Here’s some of the reactions we heard around the web after his performance.  I highlighted a few favorites.

Jezebel: Rick Perry, with nothing else to do, will join Amber Rose and Vanilla Ice on Dancing with the Stars – where do you go after 14 years rolling back Texas abortion access and executing the mentally ill?  The dance floor, baby!

Twitchy.com: ‘Dances with the Stars’ teases the Rick Perry vs. Vanilla Ice dance-off we’ve been waiting for

Dallas Morning News: Is Rick Perry dancing the desperation boogie by joining ‘Dancing with the Stars?’  – “bless his heart” – says columnist Ken Herman

Texas Tribune: Rick Perry talks ‘Dancing with the Stars’, Senate speculation

VanityFair.com: Failed Presidential Candidate Rick Perry to join Ryan Lochte on ‘Dancing with the Stars’: Miraculously, Perry is not the first previously indicted Republican politician from Texas to appear on the reality show.

I love these article titles.  Desperation boogie.  Dance off between Vanilla Ice and Rick Perry (make it happen, guys, please!).  The inclusion of “Dancing with the Stars” and “Senate speculation” in the same sentence.  And finally, realizing that he is not the first indicted Republican politican from Texas to appear on this show. That’s incredibly specific there.  Which is why you should totally be watching.  I actually missed the first episode, and had to catch him on youtube, but you can bet I’ll be watching tonight to give you another report next Monday.  We’ll see if the judges’ reactions go from “Eh, you uh got out there um way to go?” to “You’re fired”.  Personally, I hope the voters keep him on there so we can torture him some more.  Because it is up to voters, since those meanie judges gave him 5 out of 10 stars. Rick thought this was awesome, cause he’s dumb.  No, Rick, sorry – that’s 50 percent.  In other words, FAIL.  But hey, you got out there and embarrassed yourself and your daughter, so props to you, sixty-something-year-old politician you!

To make up for that last performance, here’s another one that will amaze you.  It’s by Toni Basil, best known for her hit song “Mickey”.  She’s 72 now – no really she was 39 when Mickey came out – but she still dances better than I ever will.  Check it out.

Wow.  I found this incredibly inspiring.  So much so, I wrote a little song for Rick, to the tune of “Mickey”.


Oh Ricky, what a pity, you don’t understand

Don’t take her by the foot, no you take her by the hand

Oh Ricky you’re so dippy, stop running for office

Cause we hate you Ricky

Cause you’re so dumb, Ricky, dumb, Ricky

Go break a leg, Ricky!


Stay tuned!


Pokemon, Smart Phones, and the Rime of the Ancient Librarian

I think I mentioned before that I was one of the last hold outs on the whole “smart phone” thing.  I have a cell phone, but it just makes calls and texts.  The fact that I can text puts me above, say, my parents, but that’s about it.  Otherwise I am left in the dust.  Get out of the way, you stupid cars, my buggy has just as much right to be here as you do.

It’s strange to think that it wasn’t all that long ago (for someone who is like farthead 40) that we didn’t even have the things.  Can you remember what that was like?  I can.  It was such a total pain.  Like you had to go inside a building, or to a phone booth, and call someone if you needed something.  I’m pretty sure even homeless people have smart phones at this point, and they are only on the street corner to catch a Pokemon*.  But not me.  I didn’t even get my “dumb phone” until I was pregnant with crazy baby (Thing Two) .  I was at a point where it would not have been at all odd for me to suddenly burst into flames and have the doctors call it “just another wacky pregnancy thing”.  So I wanted a phone in case of baby emergency, and we weren’t even close to labor yet.

My current phone

My current phone

I think most people started that way.  I need a phone for emergencies.  Also to talk to my mom.  And keep tabs on my boyfriend.  And crush candy and pretend farm and catch imaginary monsters.  It’s IMPORTANT.  Heck with you, Superman, who now has to run inside a J.C. Penny’s to change thanks to us getting rid of the phone booths; we need our phones.  Why?  Because everyone else needs them, and the world goes along with everyone else.  It’s like everyone else is on cocaine, and I better get drugs fast, or I am never gonna fit into this world at all.

Are they even called smart phones anymore?  This is how out of touch I am.

Wait.  This is exactly what happened in Wonderland – you gotta be stoned to fit in.  Well, I guess we crossed that bridge with the presidential election a long time ago, so whatever.  My kids are some of the last kids not to have smart phones.  What is a good age to get a kid one of these phones?  I’ve seen toddlers with them, because you never know when little Jaxxon will need to make an urgent phone call.  “Juuuuice!” is something I so often hear them scream into their phones.  Or text with their pudgy fingers.  But seriously, no, it’s the educational games on the phones they like.  Because “Peek-a-Boo” takes up way too much time, and uses your hands, and now our wrists hurt from carpal tunnel.  But please give it back because Mommy has stuff to do.  Her crops are wilting, her boss has more Pokemon power-ups than she does, and Daddy is not going to stalk himself.

Crap I just lost all my data!

Crap I just lost all my data! Darn kids.

I don’t know what a Pokemon power-up is and I don’t want to know.

What’s this about stalking?  Oh, that’s a fun thing I learned from a 20-something co-worker a while back.  “See,” she said happily.  “I can tell where everyone I know is right now.  Here is my boyfriend at work.  Here’s mom at the grocery store.  Here’s all 72 of my best friends at the mall.”  I found this a little disconcerting.  “What if you don’t want someone to know where you are 24/7?” I asked.  She looked at me with a face that clearly did not comprehend the question.  Of COURSE you would want to know where everyone was all the time.  I told my husband about this feature.  He said if we ever get smart phones, he is tossing his in a truck going cross country.  I don’t blame him.

Yet I can only hold out so much longer because the world changes to fit our technology.  My kids are actually expected to have it and bring it to school for “Share your technology day” where they use their own expensive electronic devices instead of the school supplying them, and if these devices should be lost or stolen, the school is in no way responsible please sign here.

It’s not just phones, though, it’s technology period that is going haywire (pun intended).  Phones are just mini computers now, even smaller than the NUC on my desk.  That’s NUC not Nuke, though it certainly sounds like I have a rather dangerous bomb on my desk, but believe me it’s not even half as useful.  See at work they took away our computer towers and gave us these tiny boxes that have like one whole usb port in them for you to plug your stuff in, which certainly beats the towers which had a CD drive, several usb ports, and acted as a nice shelf for my office mate and me.  We were not impressed with these new boxes.  Yeah, they were smaller, but with one port you had to get another thingy to plug into it that is a square thing with 4 ports on in, so you can actually plug more than one thing in it at a time.  If you want me to explain what a usb port is, you are worse off than I am, but not by much.  All I know is it’s like an outlet.  I’m not even totally versed on how electricity works, except that you plug something in and ‘bing’ a light comes on.  It could be fairies coming through the wires for all I know (or care).

We no longer have monitors this large, but we are still just as stoned as these kids.

We no longer have monitors this large, but we are still just as stoned as these kids.

I don’t adjust well to new things, especially technology.  I refused to learn that wild mp3 thing until my husband bought one for me and showed me how and then I really liked this little thing I could store my music on.  Except now mp3 players, like the Sony Walkman cassettes and CDs, are so old that my snobby computer refuses to recognize the software. Seriously, it just totally ignores it, like, you are so not worth my time.  Why?  Because you can get that on your phone.  Along with a camera, a GPS, a best friend (hi Siri), and God only knows what else.  Why do my devices have to multitask?  I don’t expect my dryer to also take selfies and cook me a mean pot roast.  It dries clothes. That’s it.  But the computer at your fingertips does everything.  You can pay bills on the phone.  You can also check out books.

It should be known that I did not start using the library computer catalog until they removed the physical card catalog – the one with all the cards in it.  And I was one of them “Youngins” then.

If you don't remember what this is, I hate you.

If you don’t remember what this is, I hate you.

Yet you have to eventually give in just to keep up in this world.  I don’t want to be the only one not getting mugged in alleys or falling off cliffs while chasing pretend monsters.  So I guess I’ll have to get the smart phone.  And update my computer.  You know.  Eventually.

When they take away my pay-by-the-month dumb phone, most likely.


*I so did not use Pokemon in the title just to get more hits.  Okay, I did.


Merry and Alice talk Cockle-Bread

Merry and I discuss an bizarre old medieval tradition

That Retro Blog

The other day, Merry and I were chatting and she sent me a link cause we like to share philosophical ideas and shit.  And this link was from Cracked.com.  And we were INSPIRED.  Check it out right here.  In case you’re wondering which X-rated tradition really caught our eye, it was the bread women made with their vaginas.  Of course it was. You didn’t read the article did you? We are NOT making this crap up.  Cracked did it’s research (unlike most news media) and here is what they found from, no kidding, the Oxford freaking Index which is from like OXFORD, guys.

oxford indexAnyone else feel like some bread right now?

Yeah, that’s right.  Women would mold bread dough with their va-jay-jays and butts and then bake it.  And here Miley Cyrus thinks she’s innovative.  Not only would these women do bizarre things with their grain products, they would…

View original post 416 more words

Back to School: Teachers Get Real

That's a watermark there, but I like to think of it as a black hole.

Back to the black hole of doom, guys!

Yeah, it’s back to school time, a time that is really only beneficial to retailers.  Working parents hate it because they have no time.  Stay-at-home parents hate it because they have a few minutes, between diaper changes, so hey go volunteer!  Kids hate it – well because it’s school.  I don’t care how cute the bulletin boards are, it’s gonna suck.

And, naturally, teachers hate it.  They are the ones stuck with our children all day.  So teachers have to give kids a hard time at the beginning so that they will know who is boss.  Unfortunately, the scary warnings only work on the kids who would be good anyway.  The troublemakers are just going to laugh, laugh, laugh and snort some cocaine off the page.

Keep your hands and weapons to yourselves, kiddos.

Keep your hands and weapons to yourselves, kiddos.

I kid, because my children go to suburban schools and everyone knows these students aren’t going to use plain old copy paper with their drugs, nor are they actively going to use them in front of the teacher.  So since suburban teachers don’t have the truly horrible problems that teachers at some inner-city schools face (lesson one: stay alive through 7th period), they have to make them up.

Here’s an example.  When Thing Two was in kindergarten, her teacher gave her detentions every day.  It’s not that my little darling didn’t deserve many of them. I do understand that the angrily scribbled note “Child was in boy’s restroom screaming down the hall” is kind of hard to debate.  But forgetting her lunch back in the classroom?  Yes, she got one for that.  At five.  Two years out of diapers.  Heck, I once forgot to pack her a lunch. Oh, I gave her the lunch sack, just no lunch.  I can still imagine the child opening that empty sack to this day.  Luckily I only received “Mom of Shame” for that one.

The thing with giving a detentions for a kid misbehaving is that it backfires. You were jumping around the classroom; now you miss recess!  The – one time when the kid CAN jump?  When you want them to jump until they collapse barely breathing and then you can actually tell them stuff?  The detention defeats that.  And giving detentions for something that isn’t even misbehavior is just as bad.  You end up with so many, it is no longer really a punishment.  Thing Two handed them to me like flyers.

Detention? Now I'll never get a job.

Detention? Now I’ll never get a job.

I remember back in the day – the day before Internet kids – when teachers just saved those things for when kids really did something bad, like say punching another kid, or the teacher.  Definitely deserved then.  But the other stuff is just silly.  And it doesn’t stop in kindergarten.  Thing One brought home a paper for me to sign for her art class yesterday.  It said “Any mechanical pencils left on the desk will result in a detention.  No mechanical pencils!!!”  Wow.  I get that you use “special” (ie expensive) pencils for art, but what the heck did a mechanical pencil do to her?  That seems a wee bit extreme.  Either she hasn’t been at that school long, or she’s been there WAY too long.

A lot of the teachers seemed pretty harried, judging by the number of times they used ALL CAPS in their warning, er, welcome letters.  I get that teaching is an incredibly hard job.  Both my parents did it, and they got out of it into the library and counseling, respectively, which are also awful, but not quite as bad.  I was an education major, and just ran altogether my senior year.  But I wonder what they give detentions for in those really tough schools they feature in movies like “Dangerous minds.”

  1. No semi-automatic weapons on the desk.  Please keep in backpacks.
  2. Do not leave heroin needles lying around.  Clean up after yourselves.
  3. If you wish to start creating the next generation, please do so in the privacy of your own locker.
  4. Please reserve making plans to rob the 7-11 for study hall.
  5. Tattoos are for art class.
  6. Please save gang warfare for Physical Education class.
  7. No shanking in the classroom, unless it’s science class and it’s a frog.
  8. No spitting, shooting, stabbing, stapling, severing, or stomping your teacher
  9. Save cell phones calls to pimps for after class
  10. Absolutely no mechanical pencils.

I think that about does it.  How is the school year going for you guys?

~ Alice