If I go crazy
then will you still call me Superman?
– 3 Doors Down
Even if you aren’t a nerd, you probably know about Superman. The big, tough guy who wears his patriotic underpants over his tights, whose secret identity can be bought at Lens Crafters, and whose greatest weakness is Kryptonite, a green space rock. The fun thing about superheroes is that you can identify with these guys, whether it’s wanting to be like them (for Superman flying, not wearing my underpants over my pants) or having a weakness. And we have many weaknesses. Internet, binge-watching competitive cooking shows, heroin, or secretly liking Justin Bieber.
You’ll note I didn’t add liking Trump to this list. That falls under the category of “evil-doer’s minion”. Justin first must get into politics to qualify for that. I’m thinking 2030 or so, but don’t worry, by then we will probably all be extinct. Accentuate the positive!
Anyway, I recently went to see Captain America: Civil War in the theater with Thing One who had only been nagging about this since the beginning of time. Okay, I was wanting to see it too because I like all the humor mixed in with this latest series of Marvel Comic Books movies. Superman is from another comic company called D.C. The best way to tell them apart is that Marvel got bought out by the great Empire of Disney and makes really profitable movies, while D.C. . . . doesn’t.
What I like most about these movies, in spite of never having read the comic books, is all the humor combined with unbelievable violence that never seems to really affect anything. Also it might be because the guys are super hot (get it?) and wear tight outfits over their muscles. I am not a dirty old woman. For your information Captain America was born like in the 30s or something but was frozen in ice like a popsickle for years because – who cares? And Thor is totally a Norse God so he’s like several thousand years old, give or take you know. I want to be a Norse Goddess in my next career.
As you can see, these back stories make complete sense, so we definitely want these guys to have realistic problems. And this movie did it. If you don’t want SPOILERS, and I do mean this both in revealing secrets and in the way I give this review (SARCASTICALLY) then you might want to run, RUN!
Okay moving on.
This movie took a while to get started. Like a long time. There was this Russian guy, and this other Russian guy, and this dude called Bucky (no really) who was Captain America’s best friend back in World War II but is now an insane assassin but Cap knows there is still GOOD in him even though he kills lots of people. Even more than Captain America does!
And turns out people are bugged about the death and destruction while superheroes fight the super villains and save everybody! Except those dead people. I always assumed that they went back and found the people safely ducking and covering under the smashed cars, then did Habitat for Heroes and rebuilt the buildings. Not really, I honestly didn’t care. But now the U.S. government IS caring about killing random people (this is a first) and decide they need to reign in the superheroes. Maybe it’s because the government prefers to kill them themselves?
That’s what Captain America is thinking. Why trust the government even though he was a loyal soldier back in the 1940s and was eager to fight Nazis for freedom? And Iron Man (played by the adorable, snarky, sarcastic Robert Downey Jr.) normally does whatever the heck he wants partly because it annoys everyone else, especially his teammates. I love people who purposely irritate others and get away with it! But this was not the Iron Man here. This Iron Man wants to give it over the government. Why? Because they had his girlfriend Pepper (no really) played by Gwyneth Paltrow (no really) leave him and people come up and yell at him for killing their children while saving the damn planet and this has him all depressed.
Noooo. Iron Man is what makes these movies so much fun. This is like turning Tigger into Eeyore and expecting the same dynamic. But it’s not really about the other Avengers (Thor and the Hulk are off playing a round of golf or something) but a Captain America movie. That’s why we have Russians and Bucky. Bucky, Bucky, Bucky. Right, well, part of the group are meeting at the United Nations building to sign some contract and KA-BOOM big explosion. The king of *Uganda – for some reason the U.S. is suddenly paying attention to violence in Uganda – is kinda dead. Oops. Luckily Black Widow, one of the two women in this superhero movie, has survived the massive explosion with, I’m not kidding, a bit of dirt on her cheek. Her hair is great, her suit is fine. She hasn’t even broken a nail. At least there was unintentional humor there.
Now in the advertisements there was much to do about Captain America and Iron Man beating the crap out of each other. So I was sort of waiting for that. It took a long time. Really long time. Most of the time Cap is trying to protect Bucky from people wanting to kill him for pretty good reasons. It turns out Bucky is not at fault, though he was for all the other deaths like oh . . . Iron Man’s parents. OOOOPSIES. Iron Man doesn’t take seeing video (by the random Russian guy) of his parents being tortured all that well. So runs after old Bucky, who Captain America protects, so then he starts whackin’ on Captain America, who whacks back, and so forth.
Finally Captain America darn near kills Iron Man, and leaves him there. Cause justice and the American way? Bucky gets frozen again – oh yeah he was frozen too – and later Cap writes a letter saying gee sorry Iron Man, want to rejoin the club? And why not, right? And it just ends there.
Oh there were some good lines here and there. They get a couple of new characters, and when they are all fighting each other and asking if they’re still, like, buds after this, it’s got that same old feel. Humor and violence. But still, it’s not my favorite of the series (and there are a lot of these movies to watch – you actually need a list to figure out the order of all the movies about various characters.) The politics were confusing, like real politics, as was a lot of the story. But maybe my main problem was that everything around me is depressing, and depressing is my Kryptonite. For turn your brain off fun, I recommend the first two Avengers movies, or the Iron Man Movies, or anything with the name “Robert Downey Jr” in it. Or whatever you actually like to watch.
Robert Downey, Jr., please cheer up. Heck with Gywneth. I am available anytime.
* Edited to Add: Thing One informed me the country is Wakanda, not Uganda. So it just sounds like an African country. My bad. In my defense, I think the U.S. wouldn’t care about Wakanda either.
For some fun, check out this video.
My friend Merry wrote this when I couldn’t. Please read.
I was chatting with my amazing friend Alice yesterday, as we usually do on a mostly daily basis. I never dreamed that blogging would gift me with another best friend to add to my short list of the two other people who have qualified as “best friend” material in my 40 some years on this planet.
Let’s face it, not everyone we meet is destined to be a real friend, someone who needs you as much as you need them to get through this thing called life. My mom told me years ago that if you have one good friend, you’re lucky.
I think that I must be extra lucky.
Someday I will find a way to fly to Texas so that I can give her a hug and we will laugh and cry together.
“Did you ever see the movie “Lilo and Stitch?” she asked.
I said yes, of…
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Note: This is not a post furthering an agenda. Unless that agenda is “Try not to be evil.”
I’m sure most people know about the Orlando shooting by now. I didn’t until just this morning because I tend to avoid news outside of what pops up uninvited on Facebook while I am talking to friends on chat. I had just discovered the brilliant workaround of placing a napkin over the fb news box when I started chatting with my pal Merbear. First we discussed our emotional states (meh) and how to scramble eggs properly (I cannot even accomplish this) and what we were currently eating (Me: waffles. Her: An English muffin with sausage and cheese – just in case you were wondering). She had just written a post on the tragedy, and was more than a little bummed that our world seems to be going straight to Hades.
“It’s simple, evil exists.” she said. “How do we fight evil? How?”
I’ve had difficulty writing lately. It’s hard to see outside of a sad pony, and often you turn inward. My plan was to try to pull out a post for my daughters’, because Thing Two just had a birthday on the 10th (12 years old?) and Thing One will turn 16 (16 years old?????) on the 17th. Then I realized that even with the depressing subject matter, I could do both. Mer mentioned that she wouldn’t want to bring children into this world now. I agreed, but then I thought of my own kids who are here now. I felt badly for them, for all the violence and hatred that they have faced, and will face. But then I remembered that they are the answer on how to fight evil. You fight evil with good, and hope, and love. I know, I don’t normally talk like I’m farting out skittles (as Merry would say), but it is the truth.
The other day we were driving and a man stood on the corner with a sign. As usual I tried not to make eye contact. I never know what to do in that situation. It’s kind of dangerous to just hand out money to someone while you’re driving – you might get hit by someone. Plus I wonder if it will do any good at all. One dollar? Five dollars? I don’t know. But when I looked behind me I saw that Thing One had her hands grasped in prayer. I thought it was because I’d just called her, in a friendly type way, a little twit for something. But no, she was praying for the man. Because, as she said, he’d asked for prayers.
No fanfare. No look at me I’m praying! I’d have never noticed if I hadn’t looked back. Sure, you might say, it’s just a prayer. She didn’t go out and invite the homeless person into our car so we could get him a room at the Hilton with a free breakfast. But she did do something that too many Americans aren’t doing enough of today. She took a few minutes out to think about someone else’s misfortune. Her sister is equally sincere in her empathy for others, often challenging those who bully others. I try to be a good mom, but that’s not all me. A lot of that is just who they are. And it is those values that will give them hope to keep going, to keep offering kindness, and to make a difference in this world.
And they, thankfully, are not the only ones. A line of people formed around a blood donation bank early the next morning. This was symbolic not only of thinking of others, but of doing something about it. They were giving blood for the blood lost. It will be too late for the 50 victims of this tragedy, but not for the many injured people today, and those who may sadly be shot tomorrow. As John Oliver says, “The terrorists are vastly outnumbered.” I’ll show you a clip, because he says this all better than I do.
I saw much discussion in the comment sections of articles on Facebook. As usual, many have turned to politics. Either wanting to take guns or have more guns or complaining about the agenda to have guns or not have guns, or just blaming it all on Obama like they do the mayonnaise shortage at your local Subway. Certainly the fact that it was a gay club, and the terrorist was Islamic played into the response in places. But that – as I stated above – is not what I’m getting into right now, although I easily could (and have). It’s about the basic question: How do we fight evil? Hint: It’s not in a political argument on Facebook.
It’s in thinking of others. It’s in doing for others. It’s in following the greatest commandment no matter what your faith: Love one another. Even if all you do is buy a coke for one person feeling down (you don’t have to buy a coke for the entire world), you did something. You made a difference. We all make a difference, all the time, with our words and actions. For good or for bad, we make a difference. Let’s try to make the right difference. Here’s just a few more examples of what people have done for the victims in Orlando, Florida, from the Orange County sheriff’s office.
We thank the legions of supporters who are reaching out to the Orlando community!!
As the investigation remains active and open in the horrific Pulse nightclub mass shooting, here are some resources and links available to the public.
•Orlando officials are identifying the victims and notifying their families. The names of the victims will be added to this link: http://www.cityoforlando.net/blog/victim….
•The Department of Veterans Affairs is providing emergency mental health assistance to Veterans, employees, and the general public in wake of the mass shooting. An Orlando VA Medical Center Mobile Medical Unit is located at the Beardall Senior Center, 800 Delaney Ave, Orlando, 32801, or call 321-277-6672.
• Blood donations — OneBlood has reached capacity for blood donations, so no further donations are immediately needed. However, anyone interested in making an appointment to donate in the near future can go to oneblood.org/donate-now/ or call 1.888.9Donate.
•Funds for victims and families — Equality Florida has set up a GoFundMe page at Gofundme.com/PulseVictimsFund.
I wish my beautiful daughters good luck in the future. It may look dim now, but they will add brightness. Because they are my Things. They are my antidote to despair. They are my reason for hope. I love them both, and wish them a happy birthday.
I haven’t been posting as much lately. I’m not sure if very many people have noticed, but I have, and there is a reason for it. Put out an APB for one sad pony and one squirrel possibly high on meth tainted nuts.
In case you don’t know much about these two (any first time people who somehow stumbled over here can find out more on my About page) these guys represent my depression and anxiety. Guess which one is which? I’ve been having issue with both of these little hairballs, and since I’m allergic to fur, I’m pretty sure I’m allergic to both of them as well. Some say they are just pictures, but believe me, they are a little too real.
These guys didn’t always represent my issues. Originally Sad Pony was just a funny meme I found somewhere that I tossed onto my page. I loved him so much I did this quite often. There is something about a pony that just looks this sad. I realize he probably isn’t really sad, he’s just tired, you know, typical pony burnout. But he sure looks pathetic in that picture. Added to the humor (my sense of humor is a little different, like me!) are the words “Sad Pony is Sad.” I find this dopey redundant sentence totally hilarious. But also fitting. Because even depressed, I can see humor everywhere. Sometimes, with enough distance, I can see how humorous some of my depressive thoughts can seem. Like Eeyore on steroids.
At some point, Sad Pony just became another character on my blog, just as he is a character in my life. I am not depression, and depression isn’t me. In this case, it’s a fat pony that just flops down on top of me and says “Take a break. Take 50.” It’s rather hard to get things done with this thing sitting on you. Forget the black dog. I have a Sad Pony, and ponies are heavy, especially when lethargic. Or so I’ve heard. I’ve never met a real pony – er beside this one who is REAL. Somewhere. I mean I have no idea who shot this picture. But I thank them.
But I’m not always just sad. I also have anxiety. And the best way I’ve figured out to describe anxiety is with a squirrel. Have you ever watched these guys before? Holy crap, it’s like some wire in their brain is being repeatedly shocked so that they have to dart from here to there and back again for no particular reason that I can tell. Maybe it’s because they are toward the bottom of the food chain, and don’t want to get eaten. The only time I’ve seen them remotely calm is on the college campus where I currently work, and that’s because college students are always – purposely or not – feeding the little suckers. They’d grown so unafraid that they will actually sit on your foot. The squirrels, not the students. These squirrels can never leave campus or they will be killed almost immediately.
Squirrel also started out as a picture I threw into posts partly because of the Disney movie “Up” where a dog is given the ability to speak and, not surprisingly, he has little to say and is often distracted. He can be in the middle of a sentence, spot a squirrel, and yell randomly “SQUIRREL!” That’s my anxiety in a nutshell (pun intended bwaha). I can be totally fine and then suddenly feel extreme panic. I am fearful of what most people are not, like say going to work. Sure they might not want to go to work, but their adrenaline doesn’t shoot up because they are going there. This anxiety would be considered normal if I worked in, say, an ER. But I work in a library. Rarely is my life in danger at a library, though we have had snakes, bats, spiders, wasps, and yes, once a squirrel invade. Also when people shoot up campuses, they often go for the library. I learned this is our Active Shooter Training at work. It really helped with my anxiety.
As you can see, these two fellows often interact. Depression makes me see anxiety as even more ridiculous, causing me to feel sad, then spiraling me into anxiety because oh no I’m sad again and how long will this last and then back to depression because come on, you have nothing to be afraid of, Alice. Well, except maybe the possibility of a Trump presidency. Then again, if we do get him, we probably won’t last long as a country because we will be bombed off the earth. Either by other countries or ourselves.
Comforting thoughts, there. Not really, but what is comforting is that I have this blog. And over the years, I’ve had others identify with these two, and even encourage the figments of my imagination. It’s great when other people willingly share in your delusions. And no matter how much that squirrel runs, no matter how much he distracts me, no matter how much he encourages me to scroll through the Internet all day long or do impulsive things, I have a support system. Same with Sad Pony. There is usually someone – like friends Lindy, Jody, my best blog friend Merbear and naturally my Things (among others) – to eventually help distract me from the distraction of that squirrel. There is usually someone who, while maybe unable to lift that pony, will lie down with me until he leaves.
So I’m having a lot of ups and downs. Meds really help with this, especially this last one that injected several of Squirrel’s best friends directly into my bloodstream, leaving me wanting to literally climb the walls and run out of my own skin. You are ready for anything to help you at that point, even a fat pony to sit on those squirrels. But I stopped that med, and I continue to hope for the future. For even the most sarcastic people have hope. I thank this blog, and my blog readers, for helping keep up that hope. I thank them for letting me be Alice.
P.S. As a little aside, I have started another blog about my dolls, titled appropriately Wonderland of Plastic. I only have an introduction and one review up so far (Wonderrrr Womaaaaaaaaaan!), but promise more to come. I discuss the dolls and history and since it’s me, Alice, of course I have snark. I’m not sure I can totally write without it. This is also where I’ll be moving my doll stories with the Things. We have more torture planned for our Disney princess housewives. Because there is life after the fairy tale.
I’m out for a while, guys, away from Facebook news and stuff gets like, crazy crazy. Droopy Dog Cruz just drops out, ka-poof, like he was tired of people (like fellow senators) saying he was the devil or something. And apparently Kasich dropped out too, though no one really noticed, just like they didn’t really notice he was running. And for like two days I didn’t even know this. My mother told me, and we don’t even talk all that often (Happy Mother’s Day Mom and Ted!).
Even weirder, there’s not even that much about it on Facebook, the place I get all my liberally biased news. That’s right, Facebook suppresses conservative news too! (I tried to find the Gizmodo article, but only got this article by the same guys about painting a room by blowing up paint.) I think it must be true, though, cause Facebook news says Tylenol can make you emphasize less with people, which must be why I don’t care about a lot of really stupid people. Frequent headaches and all. Anyway, so we are left with . . .
No one quite knows what to do with this. Oh, sure, comedians can laugh about it, but there’s this little edge to their laughter like ha ha Trump might be our president it’s hilarious and hahahahaha . . . ha . . . cough . . . choke.
So we’re left with Hillary and Bernie still duking it out because even though Bernie doesn’t stand much of a chance now, unlike Cruz, he’s just not going to leave Hillary alone until he absolutely has to because where would the fun in that be, huh? Meanwhile, Facebook does bother to announce that, hello, Trump just won – uh what was that latest state – he won one, guys, and I am totally surprised what with him being the only one running. Why are they bothering to announce this? Is it actually possible for someone to be the only candidate and still lose? I mean saying he’s not a Democrat running in Texas?
These days? Anything is possible. ANYTHING.
One might think this is good for Democrats. The problem is, if Hillary wins, there are many Bernie supporters who claim “Bernie or Bust” which is quite true because if they don’t vote for Hillary, they will, in fact, be voting for Trump, meaning “bust” big time. Ka-boom. I will write this out slowwwwly for people who are still uncertain about our two party system. If you don’t vote for the candidate picked, even if you don’t like this candidate, you are, in effect, voting for the other party. So then you just have to decide. Hillary or Trump?
I think I lost some people there. Come back, Canada is closing the gates!
This whole thing makes as much sense as that old song about cake getting wet. You know “Someone left my cake out by the ocean” . . . wait, no that’s the new song with one of those Jonas brothers about . . . it’s totally just about eating cake by the ocean young Disney Channel viewers. It’s edgy though, cause he says like bad words, and talks about cake. Cake that is bound to get wet. And you know what happens then. I don’t think that I can take it. Cause it took so long to bake it. And we are never having that recipe again.
Oh nooooooooooo! Ohhhhhhh nooooooo!
Did you see those metaphors just come flyin’ at you there? I did. They didn’t make any sense, just like this election, so it’s like we just took a perfectly good cake, left it out in the rain, on the beach, near a Jonas brother and a bunch of girls in bikinis, and now Trump may be President of the United States. Actions have consequences, people. Jonas brothers, ruined cake, Oompa Loompa politicians, people moving in mass to Canada where they probably don’t even have cake or oceans, I don’t know, and someone just “Wake Me Up When It’s All Over”. When I’m wiser and I’m sober.
Till then, let’s just eat cake and dance to stupid songs.
It occurred to me a few posts back that someone coming upon this blog for the first time might not realize I like to parody annoying, stupid people and use heaping doses of sarcasm on a regular basis. That would mean they would read something like say, my last post (Don’t worry, you get another chance!) and think that I am a really big racist. I’m not (I mean not a BIG racist anyway) I just like to parody the worst of America. Everyone else is going to do it; I might as well join in.
Dave Barry had this problem when he wrote for the Miami Herald, despite the newspaper clearly stating that he was, in fact, a humor columnist. He wrote “Mr. Language Person”, a column in which he purposely murdered the English language. Every time he’d get letters from people who were very offended that he was teaching incorrect grammar. So he wrote another column in which he explained what was B.S. and what wasn’t. I figured I’d try the same thing by taking my last post and using helpful ellipsis in red (closed captioning!) for those who are sarcasm impaired. I realize this is a repeat for some – in that case you can always just read the red parts – like in the Bible they’re the best!
*********(Warning: This Might Look Familiar) ********
I was driving to work today, and singing along to a song from the Disney movie Lilo and Stitch, because – I’m me. (note: weird) I like the Hawaiian songs, so naturally try to sing along (key word is “try”), even though I do not speak Hawaiian (I know “Aloha”), so it sounds kind of like this “Oh like oh e maya a una de tala a oof mana mana a eee eee eee eee oh.” (Well it sounds like that to me cause I don’t speak the language. I’m sure Hawaiians understand it. Probably.)
Then it occurred to me that I didn’t know what their language was really called. (I don’t.) Is it really called Hawaiian? (beats me!) Cause I live in the United States, and we don’t speak United States. Nor do we speak American. (I went to school a lot.) We do speak English (supposedly), but New England English is way different than Southern English, or California English. And if we get online, our English doesn’t look like English at all. (Texting is not writing.) I once looked at an old text and realized I had not capitalized my “I”s, and I cringed because I like to use the word “I” a lot (true) and it just looked like I had barfed preschool on the phone. (I didn’t actually barf. I just typed. I might have made barfing noises.) Or teen, take your pick. (I’m not prejudiced against teens, just honest. Okay I’m prejudiced.)
People speak other languages here too, but we (We being mostly lazy, conservative Americans) expect everyone to also speak English, cause we are Americans, even if we actually borrowed English from the English, you know, before those guys screwed it up so much. (British people didn’t screw it up their own language. Not anymore than Americans did (and do!) I mean really – it’s not a jumper. It’s a sweater. (Why call it a jumper? Does it jump? Then again does a sweater sweat? Language is weird period.) A jumper is something little girls wear, like overalls but with a skirt. (I have no idea why we even make these kinds of jumpers.) And we don’t take lifts, nor do we drive lorries, our cars don’t wear bonnets (Our cars wear hoods! Not really, we just call them hoods or bonnets. Or that thing in front of the car.) , and use a freaking article when you say “I’m going to university.” It’s like we Americans have to tell you everything. (Well Americans certainly want to anyway. Try to ignore us as usual.)
But England is weird too (fun weird!), because they don’t just go by England. They also go by Great Britain, and call themselves British, not Greatish, or Greatish Britainish. (I do like wasting my English education.) Or they could be the United Kingdom if you include the unimportant countries around them, like Scotland. (Scotland is full of very smart people who also hate Donald Trump.) I think. (I have no idea) But again, no United Kindomners. Also do you speak Scottish and Irish, or Gaelic, or just English cause everyone has to speak English because we do? I don’t know. (true!) I have not even bothered to Google this. (also true!) I do know that even the most racist people love foreign accents, so if you have one, come on over. We’ll go crazy for you. (We really will.) Look how successful the Beatles were. It wasn’t cause of their haircuts. (It was cause of their singing.)
Now Spain has it right, because their people speak Spanish, but then Mexico speaks Spanish too. But the two are not actually the same. Which means the Spanish I was taught by a white Anglo woman was Spain Spanish, and does little to help me speak Mexican Spanish, and there are a lot more Mexicans around Texas than there are Spaniards. (true) Just ask Donald Trump. (please don’t) I took several years of Spanish, but still can’t keep up with them because they speak, like, fast. And then you like translate in your head, and have to respond, and I just can’t keep up with all of that. (I suck at Spanish) Yet I see some people switch effortlessly from Spanish to English in one breath and I wonder if they are some sort of magician. (Seriously, how do they DO that?)
Then there’s France. They speak French. Fair enough. But we have people in Louisiana who also speak French. Also Cajun, whatever the heck that is. (Gambit from the X-men speaks it!) Parts of Canada speak French too. They don’t speak Canadian, unless you count those guys who used to say “hooser” on Saturday Night Live. (Anyone remember their names?)
On to Japan. They speak Japanese. Yay. Also English. And Engrish, which is a combination of English and Japanese that usually results in hilarity. Like small children wearing shirts with rather inappropriate words, while smiling big happy smiles. (Look it up. It’s funny!) Of course Americans are known for getting tattoos done in Chinese or Japanese characters (they’re the same, right?) (no) and end up permanently affixed with stupid words. Just because the guy says it means “warrior” doesn’t mean it’s right. You could be walking around with the word “sponge” on your bicep. (Also funny!) I bet our Asian neighbors love it when they see this. (No they don’t.) Asian is another word you can call Japanese, or Chinese, or Korean, or Vietnamese, because a lot of Americans aren’t going to bother with the difference. (True – partly because we really don’t know and don’t want to look like idiots) Because we’re too busy playing their video games. (They do make good video games.)
Africa! Now this is one crazy place. (Africans are not insane. Well not most of them.) They don’t all speak African, you guys. They have different languages and dialects, and if I looked it up, I could probably tell you one of them. (I never looked it up.) I think they sound very cool, even if they aren’t saying anything important, like in the introduction to the Lion King. I heard it’s translated something like “It’s a lion, look it’s a lion” which is better than “Llama, llama, penguins in pajamas” which my friend mentioned, and now I hear every time that movie comes on. (Honestly, I hear nothing else now. Llama, llama.) I asked a student from Africa what some names meant, and Simba means “lion”, Mufasa means “king”, and Scar means “bad guy”. Way to be creative, Disney! (You aren’t at all creative, Disney.)
There are a lot more countries (Try looking at a map. I might.), but I know most of you have no attention span and probably quit somewhere around England (Australians speak English too! Sort of!) so I’ll stop here. (I probably would have stopped way back there too, if I were reading this. Sorry I haven’t read your blogs lately!) Suffice it to say, language is very confusing, especially when it doesn’t even match the country name, so I think everyone should have to change theirs to make it easier (sort of like when you guys all went metric and we didn’t, but yet you still didn’t change back to feet and inches). (I don’t actually think people should change their language, or their metric system. Because of our independence there, I never know how to measure squat.) So a “good day” to those who speak Canadian, United Kingdom, Louisiana, Asian, African, and those other places on the map. You’re welcome. (I’m sorry)
Alice (This isn’t even my real name)
I was driving to work today, and singing along to a song from the Disney movie Lilo and Stitch, because – I’m me. I like the Hawaiian songs, so naturally try to sing along, even though I do not speak Hawaiian, so it sounds kind of like this “Oh like oh e maya a una de tala a oof mana mana a eee eee eee eee oh.”
Then it occurred to me that I didn’t know what their language was really called. Is it really called Hawaiian? Cause I live in the United States, and we don’t speak United States. Nor do we speak American. We do speak English (supposedly), but New England English is way different than Southern English, or California English. And if we get online, our English doesn’t look like English at all. I once looked at an old text and realized I had not capitalized my “I”s, and I cringed because I like to use the word “I” a lot and it just looked like I had barfed preschool on the phone. Or teen, take your pick.
People speak other languages here too, but we expect everyone to also speak English, cause we are Americans, even if we actually borrowed English from the English, you know, before those guys screwed it up so much. I mean really – it’s not a jumper. It’s a sweater. A jumper is something little girls wear, like overalls but with a skirt. And we don’t take lifts, nor do we drive lorries, our cars don’t wear bonnets, and use a freaking article when you say “I’m going to university.” It’s like we Americans have to tell you everything.
But England is weird too, because they don’t just go by England. They also go by Great Britain, and call themselves British, not Greatish, or Greatish Britainish. Or they could be the United Kingdom if you include the unimportant countries around them, like Scotland. I think. But again, no United Kindomners. Also do you speak Scottish and Irish, or Gaelic, or just English cause everyone has to speak English because we do? I don’t know. I have not even bothered to Google this. I do know that even the most racist people love foreign accents, so if you have one, come on over. We’ll go crazy for you. Look how successful the Beatles were. It wasn’t cause of their haircuts.
Now Spain has it right, because their people speak Spanish, but then Mexico speaks Spanish too. But the two are not actually the same. Which means the Spanish I was taught by a white Anglo woman was Spain Spanish, and does little to help me speak Mexican Spanish, and there are a lot more Mexicans around Texas than there are Spaniards. Just ask Donald Trump. I took several years of Spanish, but still can’t keep up with them because they speak, like, fast. And then you like translate in your head, and have to respond, and I just can’t keep up with all of that. Yet I see some people switch effortlessly from Spanish to English in one breath and I wonder if they are some sort of magician.
Then there’s France. They speak French. Fair enough. But we have people in Louisiana who also speak French. Also Cajun, whatever the heck that is. Parts of Canada speak French too. They don’t speak Canadian, unless you count those guys who used to say “hooser” on Saturday Night Live.
On to Japan. They speak Japanese. Yay. Also English. And Engrish, which is a combination of English and Japanese that usually results in hilarity. Like small children wearing shirts with rather inappropriate words, while smiling big happy smiles. Of course Americans are known for getting tattoos done in Chinese or Japanese characters (they’re the same, right?) and end up permanently affixed with stupid words. Just because the guy says it means “warrior” doesn’t mean it’s right. You could be walking around with the word “sponge” on your bicep. I bet our Asian neighbors love it when they see this. Asian is another word you can call Japanese, or Chinese, or Korean, or Vietnamese, because a lot of Americans aren’t going to bother with the difference. Because we’re too busy playing their video games.
Africa! Now this is one crazy place. They don’t all speak African, you guys. They have different languages and dialects, and if I looked it up, I could probably tell you one of them. I think they sound very cool, even if they aren’t saying anything important, like in the introduction to the Lion King. I heard it’s translated something like “It’s a lion, look it’s a lion” which is better than “Llama, llama, penguins in pajamas” which my friend mentioned, and now I hear every time that movie comes on. I asked a student from Africa what some names meant, and Simba means “lion”, Mufasa means “king”, and Scar means “bad guy”. Way to be creative, Disney!
There are a lot more countries, but I know most of you have no attention span and probably quit somewhere around England (Australians speak English too! Sort of!) so I’ll stop here. Suffice it to say, language is very confusing, especially when it doesn’t even match the country name, so I think everyone should have to change theirs to make it easier (sort of like when you guys all went metric and we didn’t, but yet you still didn’t change back to feet and inches). So a “good day” to those who speak Canadian, United Kingdom, Louisiana, Asian, African, and those other places on the map. You’re welcome.
We’re back with Thing Two’s captivating story of two
vampires people torn apart by POLITICS. Can the two ever be together, what with the probable different number of chromosomes? Let’s find out in part two of: The Republican and the Democrat: A Love Story.
GUNS, GUNS AND MORE GUNS
Ken went on the wonderful web and looked for a good lookin’ dating website for him to find a new gal.
“Hey this one looks swell.” He took a deep breath and started on Democrathotties.com
Voting for: Bernie Sanders
Hobbies: Having long debates on the beach
More about ME: My favorite color is blue, my favorite animal is a donkey, and my uncle is
Bernie Sanders, and I live in a cardboard house since I donated all my money to orphans, plus I’m poor….cool right!!!???
*insert hawt picture*
Before he had decided which angle, or whether he wanted to have his shirt on or not for his “hawt” picture, he got 2 requests already. The first girl was named Bindi Roosevelt, who also liked Donkeys. The other girl was named Katy Reagan…and her picture had her in a red bikini, next to 3 guns. Being bewildered on how such a Republican appeared on a Democratic dating site, he rejected both. His dog started to howl loudly as he finally took his needed picture and went to bed …. dreaming about rich little Marsha.
It was decided, Ken was going on a date with Harley Quinn
Ken finally got to the internet cafe where he was to meet his new more than friends friend (hopefully). He parked his Beatle bike and swayed into the cafe. He sat down at a table and made sure that no crumbs had stayed undefeated with a brush of his hand …. and he waited.
Marsha put on her black Prada sandals, and put up her coat. She checked her bed for BB’s, and texted her new boyfriend who went by the name “Chad” which most likely stood for Courageous Happy-go lucky Amazing Democrat hater. A knock came from the north of the house…it was Chad!
“Hey!!” Marsha was so excited to get to know this new man. “Hi Chad!”
“Actually my name is Alejandro, I just shortened it to Chad.” Marsha couldn’t find what sounded weird about that but who cares!!??
“Well, are we ready?” he asked.
Masha got on her billion dollar hat worn by the queen of England. “Yep! All ready!!”
They set off on their journey to the cafe.
“Hey…this place sounds good, maybe we can eat here.” he said.
Marsha thought it was a great idea…it smelled pretty good in there. They walked in and Marsha sat down while Chad grabbed some napkins. Marsha looked around the place, it looked pretty nice except….
Kennedy was there!!!!
The suspense is killing you, I’m sure. We’ll find out what happens next in part three of the thrilling saga of those political lovebirds. Thing Two was kind enough to leave a message for me at the end of her writing. Here it is.
*Dear mom, if you are reading this then your prob editing…just so you know, your doing a great job and i love you*
I have pretty amazing kids.
Congrats to all of you. Thing Two, my eleven-year-old, is a young writer. She aspired to write as well as Stephenie Meyer, and did so back in first grade. Still, she decided to write a love story about a Democrat and a Republican in Twilight fashion. I found it quite promising, and have only (I swear) edited it for grammar and spelling. Well I edited it as much as Stephenie would. Enjoy.
The Republican and the Democrat: A Love Story
This is the story of the Democrat and the Republican, which is a way better story than Twilight…..like totes…. just ask SM.
Diz iz the bestz stoiy ever bout ROMANCEEEEEEEEEEEE
See!!! Even famous writers like it. So…. let’s get that out of the way…first we have to tell the story…DUH!!!!! (great intro right!!!???)
Kennedy stared at her…her beauty could send one to the moon. Her eyes were as sparkling as global warming. His heart played a saxophone to the tune of her blinks.
“Hey…. you ready for our date??”
Ken snapped out of his fantasy from the feelings he had once she met him.
“Okay now since you have snapped out of it I’ll discuss the plans, first… we need to catch the taxi…but the driver has to be American!!!” Wondering why she was so specific about the driver’s race he called the taxi with her.
“This is so romantic!” she said with a sweet stare. The date was almost done…he had passed through all the questions..but he had a feeling one was approaching.
“Hey….” here it comes he thought, the question…he armed himself with excuses. “Are you Republican or Democrat???”
“Democrat.” he said.
She dropped her drink as her mascara dribbled down her cheek. “I’MMM……A REPUBLICAN.” she said “WEEEE CAN’T BE TOGETHER!!!!”
His heart failed…and he fainted.
Ken woke up to a voice stronger than silver. “I’m sorry…”
He tried to gain his memory. “I’m sorry too…. Marsha.”
“It’s my fault my uncle is Trump.”
Ken understood…since Uncle Bernie wanted him to only date Democrats.
“I guess this is it.” Ken realized this was most likely the last time he was to see her.
“Well bye … I guess.” Marsha walked away with mascara dripping down her shirt…Ken yelled after her …. but she only cried and ran farther.
Ken started to see the clues come together…she only wanted a American around her…in fact right once they had their first date she asked him if he was American, he thought as a bird landed on his shoulder.
“I need a new girlfriend,” he mumbled.
What will happen next? Will Ken and Marsha see past their political stereotypes and have a love as shallow as Bella and Edward in Twilight? Who knows, she hasn’t written it yet. Stay tuned.