Yippee Ki-yay, it’s time for round two of the Democratic debate. Now last time Trump dared to tweet that the debate was boring, which is just unreal cause Democrats are super exciting! Watch as Trump commits horrible, treasonous acts and the Democrats do . . . absolutely nothing about it! Granted compared to the Republicans whose main tasks lately have been keeping Trump from going through with these acts by regulating his schedule like a toddler’s, taking papers from his desk without him noticing, and praising him for righting what he just screwed up, I guess they are rather dull.
But the second debate was different! We got another ten candidates on the Jeopardy stage, but this time they included a couple of people that some Americans probably knew about like Bernie “Wild Hands” Sanders and “Sleepy Joe” Biden. Also there were a few women and more white guys.
Now for the line-up.
Sen. Berrrrrrrnieeee Saaaanders! (crowd of crazed Bernie fans cheer!)
Joooooe Biiiiden! (He was our Vice President for eight years. No, really.)
Mayor Peeeeete Buttigiegggg! (The overqualified gay guy with unpronounceable name!)
Sen. Kaaamalaaaa Harris! (A women and Indian and Black! Democratic jackpot!)
Former Gov. Jooooohhhhn Hickenlooper! (I didn’t make up that name!)
Sen. Kirrrrsten Gillibraaaand! (Some blond chick!)
Sen. Miiiichael Beeennnett! (One of those guys on the postage stamp I assume!)
Rep. Errrrric Swaaaalwell! (Was probably there too!)
Aaaandrewww Laaang! (Spoke one entire time I think!) and finally . . .
Maaariaaanne Wiiiiiillliamsoooon! (Self-help author you’ve never heard of! Really!)
It goes without saying that I had to look most of these people up and then count twice to make sure I didn’t miss one of them. Anyhoo, good old Joe Biden came in as the front runner, complete with a “Kick Me” sign on his back. Bernie Sanders stood beside him, wildly swinging his hands and avoiding spit and a possible shank from Kamala Harris as she and Biden battled it out. At first Biden came in swinging, wisely denying he ever did anything wrong EVER even when presented with a golden opportunity for redemption (I can see why he’s our frontrunner!), but after a while he just hung his head in resignation for the rest of the Democrat dogpile.
Here’s a quick play-by-play for our viewing audience!
Moderator: I can’t believe I drew the short straw AGAIN! Okay, you’ll all get 60 seconds to explain how you will solve every world problem ever! First we’ll talk about . . .
Swalwell: Can I talk?
Moderator: Wait, who are you again?
Swalwell: I’m Eric, gawd! Okay, Biden is SO OLD, so he needs to hand off the torch to young guys! Like me! I look about ten years younger!
Biden: Oh, you can take that torch off my dead body! (grins blindingly)
Swalwell: So what, in a few months?
Kamala Harris: Let’s not have a food fight here! At least not until I get to take a few bites out of Biden!
Moderator: Let’s talk racism! Hola, Pete, donde esta el bano?
Pete B.: Hablo Espanol y seis otra languages! El suck it!
Harris: Pretty sure I’m qualified to talk about race seeing as how I’m the only black person.
Moderator: Yikes. Remember to not keep it to 60 seconds!
Harris: Hey, Joe, wtf with not being okay with busing for desegregation back in the 70’s. Btw, I was one of the kids on the bus, dufus, so here’s your chance on a golden platter to admit a mistake.
Biden: I did not say no to busing, I said no to something having to do with someone else saying no to busing, so it wasn’t me, it was that other guy in this other position that wasn’t mine so I am totally right and you’re wrong.
Harris: WTF, no, you were like so obviously wrong . . .
Biden: Was not!
Harris: Yes you were I have all these facts . . .
Biden: I can’t heeeeaaar you!
Harris: I’m gonna climb over Bernie and put my fist in your . . .
Moderator: Moving on . . . let’s get a new topic . . .
Kirsten Gillibrand: I can talk on any topic and I will, cause I know a lot of stuff and I’m going to tell you all about it. I have, like, so many experiences, and you just don’t even know what I’ve gone through being an attractive white woman . . .
Harris: Bitch, please.
Moderator: How are you guys going to get your policies past Mitch “The Turtle” McConnell?
Biden: I’m planning on taking him out behind the shed.
Moderator: Works for me! What’s the first thing you’ll accomplish?
Sanders: (waves hands wildly, smacking Biden on the shoulder – this happened) I – will – create – an American – revolution! I – right here – will guarantee each and – every – rutabaga – a free education! I – will – give healthcare! I will call on the many faced God to – destroy our enemies!
Moderator: Bernie, are you high?
Sanders: Every – man – and woman – should have a chance to smoke weed – or do mushrooms – as a human right!
Moderator: Okey dokey. How will you all stop gun violence in 60 seconds?
Swalwell: Everyone can keep their guns! Except the bad guys! Wait, am I a Republican?
Moderator: I still have no idea who you are. I’m going to have to turn off your mike like I did Yang’s.
Yang: (whisper whisper whisper) Hey no fair . . .
Marianne Williamson: On my authority as a self-help author, I say we need to use the power of LOVE and crystals and possibly acupuncture.
Harris: Why is she even here?
Moderator: She slipped past security. John Hickenlooper, what’s with your name?
Hickenlooper: I am part looper and part hick, and proud. At least you can pronounce it, I mean we gonna call the gay guy President Pete?
Buttigieg: It beats President Hickenpooper.
Moderator: Let’s talk religion. Gay guy, what do you think of Republicans always spouting religion? Not asking you in particular for any specific reason of course.
Buttigieg: Pretty sure Jesus cared more about feeding poor people than condemning gays, but he only mentions the poor in the Bible about 50 million times, so what do I know?
Moderator: How about the border? Since you all love Spanish, I’m assuming you’re all for decriminalizing illegal border crossings?
(all raise their hands except Micheal Bennet)
Michael Bennet: Wait, did I miss something?
Moderator: Just the debate. Everyone may now proceed to leap onto Biden and rip him to pieces.
(all do so until Biden looks very, very sadfaced)
Moderator: Darn the luck, looks like this debate is over! (look of relief from Biden) Everyone go home and please rethink your life choices.
So there you are, that’s just how it happened, or how I remember it anyway, which is good enough since most of these people will disappear back into the ether by the next round, God help us all.
Your raving reporter Alice again signing off, adios!
Strap yourselves in, guys, cause the next presidential run is fully underway, with just twenty (TWENTY) Democratic contenders – this beats out the 17 Republican contenders in 2016 – hoping to beat one moronic toddler dictator Republican president. You’d think at this point we’d be rather confident that we could beat Trump, but you’d be wrong, of course. There is no way he should have won the first time, and certainly no way he should have a shot in Hades of winning this time, but this is America, and the land is dark and full of morons.
Speaking of stupidity, let’s get to the candidates. I wanted to write this before watching any commentary or reading any articles by “professional debate reporters” so that you could get it from the point of view of a confused blogger. You’re welcome. This first debate reminded me a little too strongly of an episode of Game of Thrones. You aren’t sure who half the characters are, but it doesn’t matter because most of them are likely to be killed off pretty quickly. This might be literal for some of these candidates, who are really freaking old. This is not just some ageist remark. I recently watched Biden, our 76 year old former Vice President who obviously has a great deal of political experience – despite being somewhat out of touch with reality – stumble on multiple words during the high point of his speech at a rally. It was less like, ah well everyone flubs a word, and more like OMG is he having a stroke?
We didn’t get a shot at Biden last night, but we got ten other guys and gals (we get the other ten today, oh woot!). It wasn’t just a stretch of white guys, nope, there were three, count ’em, three women, at least one of whom had a purpose to be there, a black guy, and a Hispanic guy. Also several tall white guys. I watched the debate with my Things, who tried to help me out in remembering who was who, or at least catching their names on the screen when they talked. Thing Two took some great pictures, as you’ll see below. Anyway, they threw the candidates up on screen like we were on a giant-sized episode of Jeopardy, complete with podiums that light up when the candidate rings in, er, speaks. So here they are:
Senator Elizabeth Warren (Girl! Rough around the edges but has a puppy!)
Senator Corey Booker (The black guy with the shiny head)
Representative Beto O’Rourke (Guy from Texas with a hot mugshot)
Representative Tulsi Gabbard (Another girl!)
Mayor Bill de Blasio (White New Yorker guy)
Former Hud Secretary Julian Castro (Hispanic guy!)
Sen Amy Klobacher (what are all these women persons doing here?)
Gov. Jay Inslee (I . . .have no idea. Some white guy.)
Rep. John Delaney (Again no clue.)
Rep. Tim Ryan ( Um?)
It was kind of hard for most of them to stand out. I did recognize Beto O’Rourke, former representative from Texas who just ran for governor and lost by one of the narrowest margins in Texas history, a state that has run red for decades. That may be as much an example of how much Republicans have sucked as it is Beto’s actual qualifications. Anyhoo, it turns out he is not half Mexican, half Irish (I’d love to see that household!) but just a guy with an Irish name and a Hispanic nickname. He does speak Spanish as he lets everyone know by randomly starting out answering a question in Spanish. I think I was supposed to be impressed, but mostly I was confused as despite years of Spanish in school, I didn’t know what he was saying.
At least he had the excuse of speaking another language with his confusion, along with two others (I think) who also showed they could speak another language. Look, guys, we have limited time – just send us a resume with your skills, mmkay?
I don’t have the patience (or the memory) to cover how they didn’t really answer the questions, so here’s just a little sample for brevity’s sake.
Moderator: Booker, could you answer this question about black people, you being black and all and representing black people?
Corey Booker: Yes, I could, and much better than Beto there, who had really dumb policies and is so not as hot as I am . . .
Beto O’Rourke: Oh yeah, people loved my mug shot, man, what you talkin’ about . . .
Booker: I’m speaking here, what do you think this is, debate?
Beto O’Rourke: Spanish people love me, watch me speak Spanish! Estupido!
Moderator: Maybe later, O’Rourke, let’s ask Julio Castro – that is you and not your twin right?
Julian Castro: Maaaybe, Hola! Como estas!
Moderator: Right, so, how about those Latinos? Should we let them in? You being the Latino representative here.
Beto O’Rourke: Me too! They call me Beto . . .
Julian Castro: You’re white, please stop. I have interesting things to say.
Moderator: Enough of that!
Elizabeth Warren: I’m concerned about Tim Ryan over there. His eyes are bulging out like he just got pantsed big time.
Tim Ryan: I literally can’t blink.
Moderator: He’ll be fine. Now let’s have this white male candidate talk about women’s issues. No pressure.
White male candidate: I have a good record on women’s issues, and they should get abortions, cause I want to live.
Amy Klobacher: I think these two women candidates and I know better. Cause women! Am I right? Huh?
Moderator: Your fellow candidates are staring in horror. Shut up. Now about the environment . . .
Tulsi Gabbar: I’m for the environment. But you should know that I don’t just have good cheekbones. I was in the military! Unlike you wimps.
Beto O’Rourke: Hey, I have good cheekbones too!
Elizabeth Warren: This is not about cheekbones! This is about giving away free stuff – like free college for all, and no more homework for schoolchildren ever. You get a diploma, you get a diploma, YOU get a diploma!
Amy Klobacher: But who is going to fund this college?
Elizabeth Warren: Your face is, Amy.
Moderator: Back to the questions, please raise your hand if you would like to pander to your audience.
(All raise hands)
Moderator: Great, each of you gets 45 seconds and not one second more . . . I mean it . . . I’m going to get the water bottle . . .
(Sprays all candidates with a hose until they stop talking.)
So that was part one! How did you guys feel about it? Did you get that sinking feeling that we are totally screwed? Well don’t give up yet, wait until tonight when we have the second round with Biden, Sanders, the way overqualified gay guy, and the others. Then give up.
Stay tuned, this is Alice, your raving reporter, signing out.